HardCORE Justice 2010 - The Last Stand For My Sanity
It's here! The delightful trainwreck that I'm sure you were all waiting for. That announced card is looking pretty sparse in all honesty, so I hope they're going to pull something out. The intro video is similar to the video that ended last Impact. Cheaply licensed images with a grainy filter, with voiceovers telling us about how the ECW guys succeeded in [REDACTED PROMOTION]. I like the touch of them showing the very disused-looking outside of the ECW Arena. There's the very strange sound of yelling over the logo. It's clearly not the Impact Zone crowd, who are pretty hyped, but are probably being muted so we can't hear them shouting "E-C-DUB" loudly.
They've got a completely different ring announcer (Stephen DeAngelis, who announced for about a few weeks in 2000 and then in WWECW), who introduces Taz. He tries to talk vaguely about ECW, and the people who doubted them. "Alls we did was revolutionise this friggin' business", before starting to commentate for a company that isn't revolutionising anything. "We were the Little Engine that Could, and we friggin' did" - apart from in 2001, when you died. That was a fairly short opening statement, thankfully. They even got the former ECW referee John Finegan in.
Match 1: FBI (Tracy Smothers/Tony Luke/Guido Maritato) vs. Kid Kash/Simon Diamond/Johnny Swinger
Apparently, the Impact Zone is now the "Extreme Zone", and we can see that, with a lot of their sets being replaced by brick print, and decked by barbed wire. Tracy Smothers looks geriatric. The ring is being bathed in blue light, seemingly because they couldn't afford a blue mat like ECW had. Simon Diamond's signature ECW limp looks more like a waddle. The apparent storyline reason for this beef is that Diamond/Swinger are pissed that the FBI got a title shot against the Unholy Alliance back in 2000, instead of them. Swinger's like a bow-legged cowboy, and nothing like the genuinely entertaining work he's doing in 2020.
DeAngelis informs us that Big Sal E. Graziano is making his summer residence in the Jersey Shore, in Snooki's pool house. Do these Jersey Shore references count as foreshadowing? I hope not. Tony's weight is billed in liquid ounces - I like the touch. "Please welcome back" - I like that they acknowledge that Kash was previously in TNA. He's a former X Division champ at that! We start out strong with Guido and Kash, the two guys who can actually wrestle. Tony wants Swinger for some reason. Then Tenay says something that I'll surely never forget. So I'll transcribe it for you.
"There's certain names, there's certain initials, that legally we aren't allowed to use. I'm sure most of you at home, you're so familiar with the
ECW talent, the roster, that... hell, you can fill in the blanks." To which Taz responds that Tenay did indeed just use those initials. You can't make this shit up.
Simon Diamond (TNA official Pat Kenney) is very much overweight. So much so, that the commentators reference this every other sentence. "Looks like three diamonds" -Taz. He looks like an upturned tortoise at one point. Crowd is right behind the FBI, despite them being the heels. Diamond promos mid-match, which is met by "Shut the fuck up" chants. Brilliant. Absolutely superb. I'm glad I watched this. His mic fucks out, he accuses Kash of being the weak link, and proposes a dance-off. Said dance-off is won by Sal E. Graziano, and is ultimately met with a chorus of boos. Kash goes for a tope con hilo by springboarding off the back of the referee to all five men. Okay, that's genuinely hype.
Tenay talks about his big satellite dish that he used to watch ECW on, which is surely better than talking about whatever Simon Diamond is doing. Slam into the turnbuckles gets mild "holy shit" chants. Guido looks so clean this whole match, especially when he's working with Kash. The Russian legsweep in particular is a work of art. This soon devolves into finishers. Ain't no spam like 6-man finisher spam! Kash hits a double underhook piledriver, but sells his crotch. Did Tony Luke's head land there? Ouch. Guido wins it with an Unprettier.
Now, it's time for Tenay and Taz Talking, that greatest of customs. We're reliably informed that there will be no RVD/Jerry Lynn match tonight, as Lynn's injured. Great, that's 50% of your pre-announced card out of the window. What's next? Tommy Dreamer injured? Would not surprise me. RVD's gonna face Sabu instead, according to Tenay. We get a brief "where are they now", featuring: Tod Gordon, founder of ECW; Pitbull #1 Gary Wolfe, who shows up in his car; and Blue Meanie, who seems way too excited to not be here. They strangely don't show each of the interview clips in full, just splicing between them.
Meanie says "let's get back to some hardcore action", but we instead have a talking segment. This time, it's featuring AJ Styles, who definitely was not in ECW, talking about his memories of ECW, in the vaguest possible terms so as not to mention any actual names of anyone. It's kind of sad. He does reference Dreamer/Sandman, which was nice. Angelina Love clearly has no idea what ECW even is and is reading from a script.
Al Snow is arguing with Head from the wrong camera angle, telling her not to say ECW. The angle is fixed again when Stevie Richards comes into shot, which leads Al to make some incoherent shots at WWE, including a guy with a sledgehammer and Stevie on a secondary show. Enter Nova, who greets his comrade in arms, followed by a massively overweight individual pretending to be the Blue Meanie. Snow turns to Head and remarks they couldn't even get the real guy, which only serves to draw attention to the fact that they couldn't get the real Blue Meanie.
THEY COULDN'T GET THE REAL BLUE MEANIE.
That has to be a new low. Nova talks about how they replaced Darrin on Bewitched, which causes even Al Snow, the guy who talks to a mannequin head, to get tired of this shit and walk out. Also: fake Blue Meanie is wearing a "BW2.0" shirt. Some nobody shows up and asks whether he's gotten a spot on the show. Wait a minute...
That's Samuel Shaw! As in, the future stalker of Christy Hemme in canonical TNA, and the even-more-future Dexter Lumis of WWE. Good to see they're working towards the future in at least one aspect. He and not-Meanie end up picking each other's noses for no reason. Our next contest features another ex-ECW referee in Mike Keener.
Match 2: CW Anderson vs. Too Cold Scorpio
CW? Hm, guess it's the E that's copyrighted. Commentary keep talking in vague terms about the "Original Era", without specifying of what it was the original era. Scorpio actually shows the ability to dance, and Tenay asks why he wasn't in the dance-off. Maybe since they didn't want to waste one of the guys they could get who could ever actually wrestle. Also, he's "Too Cold". Not "2 Cold". Trademark weirdness makes a lot of sense. They're not stupid. CW Anderson is announced as "The Enforcer" - does that could as a shot at... WCW? Eh, it was already CW's gimmick when he was vaguely relevant, so I suppose not.
At this point in his career, Scorpio looks like Abdullah the Butcher if he dropped 300 pounds. Action is actually solid in the first few minutes. They openly talk about Scorpio's work in Japan, which makes me wonder if they were confident that the likes of AJPW and NOAH wouldn't sue. (Also, RIP NOAH.) A kesagiri chop (I looked that up) by Anderson draws an "Oh my god" chant, but that's mainly because of the rather spectacular way Scorpio sells it. It looks like he's been turned inside out. And he makes this face.
During this match we see a secondary hard cam facing the entrance ramp. Given the current circumstances, it's so weird to see that detail combined with an actual crowd. Scorpio's somersault leg drop only gets two. That looks like it should be a finisher. "He basically sat on my face with all his weight" -Taz on taking said leg drop. CW hits a spinebuster, and Taz is the only one that thinks to remark that not only did he rip that off of Arn, but Robert Roode also ripped that off of Arn. "Not really defending himself that much, except for that massive kick to the face" -Taz, soon after. Drop Da Bomb finishes it, presumably because Scorpio can't do a 450 splash anymore. Decent match!
Another memories segment, featuring Madison Rayne looking like she's reciting a Wikipedia article with "ECW" find-and-replaced by "the Philadelphia promotion". Matt Morgan remembers actually having seen an ECW show at a bar he was bouncing at, whilst Mr. Anderson (not CW) has a look of disbelief when he stumbles out "that company, you know, that Philadelphia-based wrestling promotion". I want to see that change all over wrestling. Have the fans in the Impact Zone stop chanting "TNA" and start chanting "THAT ORLANDO-BASED WRESTLING PROMOTION!" Actually, no - that would imply the company's built around Orlando Jordan. That would be both boring and frightening.
RVD - legitimately in his underwear - is talking to Bill Alfonso about facing Jerry Lynn. Before he acknowledges the match was changed, I figured he was probably too high to notice the announcement. Better that, I guess, than being too high to notice that the match involves you. "There's a lot of storylines that are not complete" -RVD on
TNA ECW. Alfonso does far too much looking directly at the camera. Also, he looks about 80.
Match 3: Stevie Richards vs. PJ Polaco
Polaco comes out in a shirt bearing his better-known name "Justin Credible", apparently forgetting that they're trying not to get sued by WWE. He does take it off though. Maybe he realised. The fake-Meanie is apparently called Blue Tilly. Also, it's offputting to me that Stevie's accompanied by his bWo squad, but the majority of his ring gear is white. "Maybe the Blue Tilly ate the Blue Meanie" -Taz. Looks like it. As if the game weren't given away enough, fans immediately start chanting "Justin Credible" when Polaco's announced.
At the start of the match, Tenay and Taz try to just talk about the event rather than draw attention to the fact that PJ has a completely different name and one of Stevie's friends has been replaced. Polaco finds a brand new way to be crotched - getting tossed by Stevie and sliding face-down so far he has an unfortunate meeting with the square ring post. "We want blood" chants for 2 of the more technical guys we'll see here tonight. Polaco hits a slingshot splash that looks like it only hurts him. He then does a move that I can't tell if it's a DDT or a facebuster. "Holy shit" chants for Polaco landing on his face on the floor. An awkward moment occurs when Nova and not-Meanie approach him. Taz starts the exchange here.
"BW2.0... Ugh."
"I guess that's a variation of EV2.0"
"Yup."
"Yup."
We get "We want Meanie" chants, which is perhaps what a crowd would say if they'd turned on this event. Inexplicably, they haven't. Spinning Tombstone - that move looks knee-shredding, and less effective than a normal Tombstone - might only get two? Maybe? It's not clear whether Stevie kicked out or the referee was distracted by Nova. "That's not the coolest, that's not just the best, that's Justin--" shouts Polaco, who is (thankfully) cut off by Stevie's Lawyer Kick for the pin. The power of not using other companies' trademarks, right there.
Polaco attacks Stevie after the match with the Singapore cane he brought to the match (which, in literary criticism, is what is called a "Chekhov's Cane"). Suddenly, the lights go out, which has been an indicator of Sandman showing up three days ago, but the commentators do the "Could it be? It is!" thing anyway. Even when the lights go up and Sandman's right there. The guy looks absolutely horrible. He should talk to Nova, get that Simon System going on so he can get in shape. Sandman is the "Singapore cane originator", according to Tenay. He should apologise to the nation of Singapore.
More "where are they now", and we see Francine. There's no mention of the fact that she's one of TNA's pioneers, as she competed for TNA's first ever women's championship (the Miss TNA crown, which spent most of its lifetime held by a man). Anyway, she can't be here as she's a full time mommy. She'd probably be one of those Karens who spreads anti-mask hoaxes these days... you know, if she hadn't had constant health issues. Then they show a tribute to those ECW stars who have passed away. Rather than having a montage of images of these people, though, it's a generic message on black. Chris Candido was at least in TNA for a while. You couldn't have dug some old footage out and made some effort?
Match 4: Brother Runt vs. Al Snow vs. Rhino - Elimination Three-Way Dance
All of these three men have been associated with TNA recently, but Rhino is the only one with a unique entrance graphic. The former Spike Dudley commits wanton abuse against the arena furniture with a steel chair during his entrance. Also, he appears to be imitating a much skinnier and scrawnier Bubba Ray, right down to the haircut. Snow's a lot rougher with Head than I'd have expected. Taz drops the second ECW-bomb on this show, when trying to talk about the House of Hardcore wrestling school. Runt tries a corner crossbody on two much larger men, which goes exactly as you'd expect. That is, if what you'd expect is them catching him and tossing him to the entrance ramp like he's nothing.
If this is elimination rules, why is Runt not being counted out? Snow uses headbutts that clearly don't land. We get a split screen of the TNA roster backstage, who do not look pleased. Probably because they've been pushed off PPV for this. Runt goes for a tornado DDT or something, which predictably ends poorly as Rhino can just pick him up. "This is wrestling" chants. It's refreshing that the Impact Zone crowd knows where they are for once. Ref bump because ref bump. Runt tries to do the Eddie Guerrero spot with Al Snow and a steel chair... but Al Snow does the spot too, dropping the chair. I genuinely smiled at this. Great moment.
Three guys lying down to ECW chants, because the greatest essence of ECW is a steel chair not being used. Runt hits the Acid Drop on Snow (whilst Tenay tries his hardest to avoid calling it that), but immediately gets gored by Rhino. Another decent match!
Mick Foley's in the back, talking about the "storied rivalry" of Dreamer vs. Raven. Also he's reading Hulk Hogan's new book. I find it amusing that even at this show, Hogan found a way to show up. Raven has mind control powers, apparently. I believe this may be foreshadowing. More memories, with Magnus (oh hey, remember him?) appreciating the lack of budget that ECW had. He would later go on to appreciate the lack of budget that TNA had. Sabin remembers the Funk/Sabu barbed wire match - seemingly the only one that remembers it fondly - and reveals that he's a mark for RVD.
Out come Axl Rotten, and "of course" Kahoneys. It's only when I hear it said that I realise it's supposed to be pronounced as "cojones". Clever. Commentary talks about them being hardcore freaks who swing chairs, without ever putting those words into the actual order of their team name. "We paid to see Balls and Axl", says one sign in the crowd. I feel bad for whoever's holding that sign. Also, neither of these men is alive now. Hurts. They're not booked, so they want opponents "right effing now". They really let these guys loose on the stick and be effing hardcore, don't they? Holy blinking flip. This has been a ruddy hardcore night and no funking mistake.
Team 3D's graphic appears, but their entrance music doesn't play, instead being replaced by the voice of Joel Gertner, a man wider than he is tall in that fur coat. Dudleys are all tie-dyed up like the good old days. It sounds like a crow is being sexually abused in the crowd. Gertner introduces himself by making a smutty reference to Lady Gaga ("Poker Face", obviously) which gets a "That's hardcore" chant. And yet Kahoneys couldn't say anything worse than effing. Ray threatens to assault Gertner when he almost says "Dudley Boys" by mistake. Then he declares the match to be a South Philadelphia Street Fight. You know, in that little suburb of South Philadelphia that is Orlando, Florida.
Match 5: Team 3D (Brother Ray/Brother Devon) vs. Axl Rotten/Kahoneys
About the first minute of this is lame, slow-paced brawling. Taz calls Kahoneys "Balls Mahoney" twice by mistake. He does say "Balls able to drop" though, which makes up for it. "Hey Balls, how about some head?" -Brother Ray, throwing one of those mannequin heads so far off Kahoneys' head, it bounces. It fucking bounces. They brawl into the crowd, which actually captures the ECW spirit for the first time this show. The most interesting half of the brawl is the one with Ray and Kahoneys. They start going at each other with (non-gimmicked?) beer bottles, then Ray plants a kiss on a fan, one of the teenage girl demographic in the shitty seats. Taz compares old, blond Axl Rotten to "Sting, but different".
Brother Ray does a superb flop after taking a garbage can lid shot. Apparently, the cookie sheet "has been used many a time on Swanson and Rechner" - I get Rechner, but who's Swanson? No one by that name has worked with ECW. So many weapon shots to the head. Yikes. Eventually Kahoneys and Ray get out toy lightsabers! Crowd is so hyped for this, and so am I! "Use the Force" chants. Ray appears to be using a red lightsaber, foreshadowing his later heel turn. He loses, but gives his opponent a shot to the Kahoneys afterward (I'm disappointed that the commentators also thought of this one).
A bit of lame "wrestling", but the crowd is hyped for it, giving off "E-C-Dub" and "this is awesome" chants. Eventually they get restless. Dueling "we want tables/we want fire" chants. You'd best do that so Ray doesn't feel short-changed for stopping his current feud. Devon takes an unprotected chair shot to the head but Ray sells. Tables are indeed gotten, and lit, Kahoneys goes through a flaming table, and that's the pin and the win. Ray declares themselves the greatest tag team in the world, but then...
About as good a ripoff as you can get of "Natural Born Killaz" plays as the Gangstas enter. New Jack - a hiring so ill-advised you can imagine Dixie Carter pleading for it - brings weapons galore. In fact, he brings everything but the kitchen sink, which is why it's a good thing Mustafa has brought a kitchen sink basin. There's more brawling - for the record, Brother Ray is 0-2 when using a lightsaber - before they just... hug it out? And Rotten/Kahoneys show up to hug too? I would not trust New Jack not to pull a shiv on everyone.
Raven is sitting in a corner backstage, talking about his history with Tommy Dreamer and reminding us that, yes, this feud is because Dreamer is with Beulah now. It's actually a really good promo, despite being silly. Raven has that je ne sais quoi on interviews. Jesse Neal reminisces about going from seeing his first ECW show at 15 to being trained by Team 3D. It's nice to see the stars with even a vague connection to ECW in these segments. Similarly, Kazarian talks about being trained by Killer Kowalski and being taken to work ECW shows. Then we get a segment of ECW guys praising Joey Styles, who predictably isn't here.
Match 6: Tommy Dreamer vs. Raven (Special Guest Referee: Mick Foley)
Foley looks like he drew the ref stripes on his own shirt. Raven goes over to taunt Beulah (referred to by her real name, Trisa) and the kids at ringside - it's the little touches. "Uncle Scotty" chants. Foley tells the two of them he's giving a bit of leeway, to which Raven responds the
correct way by giving Dreamer a kick right in the dick. This doesn't start out too great, even by 2010 standards. Commentary can't think of anything to talk about but how great Paul Heyman is. A great little character moment - after Dreamer's bust open by crashing face-first into chairs, Raven drags the action to where Beulah and the kids are, leading Dixie to usher them away. Can't be nice to see your father bleeding.
"Tommy use my sign" says one fan's sign. He does, as it's actually a street sign covered over with card paper. After he delivers the sign shot (to the head, naturally) Raven rolls out and
visibly blades. Dreamer at a good 0.4 Muta at this point, and Raven cut open too. They spend a bunch of time murdering each other with a ladder, then dueling chants break out. Like, a few ladder spots later and suddenly half the crowd is okay with Raven stealing a man's family. Dreamer hits a Dreamer Driver but doesn't bother with the pin. "Oh my god" chants for the tree of woe dropkick. I guess theatrics can make anything pop.
Dreamer somehow manages to produce the most sickening spot yet by delivering a crossface with barbed wire. I'd be careful with that, Tommy, especially if you're going with the family angle. The last guy to do a crossface like that wasn't exactly a great father. Fortunately for Raven, BW2.0 (ew) come out and attack Foley before he can see Raven tapping. "That's Nova." says Mike Tenay, not even wanting to acknowledge the fake Meanie. Once that ugliness is cleared up, Evenflow DDT gets two. Foley shows us that "giving leeway" does not mean "let your ex-stablemates run riot", and gives an oddly clean sock to Raven (as the non-copyrighted substitute for Mr. Socko, most likely).
The nobody from before shows up and dropkicks Dreamer. "Who are you?" chants as commentary recognises him as Lupus. Who was (checks Wikipedia)... an obscure guy who was part of Raven's Nest way back in the day. Got to hand it to him, at least Samuel Shaw's got the mannerisms right, with the blow-up doll and the nose picking. Then he takes a barbed-wire Socko from Foley. "Holy shit" chants, and this time they're actually earned, given that this guy is making his TNA debut and getting so painfully fucked up.
While Dreamer is handcuffed and eating chairshots by the dozen, Beulah enters via the entrance ramp this time. She begs Raven to stop, then when he doesn't, kicks him right in the nuts. Then Dreamer can hit him with a handcuffed DDT for a satisfying finish to the match-- wait. Raven kicked out? Why? And why did he just DDT Dreamer and get the three? What was the point of that? The fans do show their appreciation to Dreamer, meeting him and Beulah with "ECW" chants as they exit. Except for the one fan that tells Dreamer "You still suck". Probably another of the obscure members of the Nest.
After an ad for the Impact show that will be better in terms on in-ring action than this, we get a surprise appearance by both JB and SoCal Val. I always mark for SoCal Val appearances, simply because she always used to do the TNA media stuff in the UK. She seems so genuine and so lovely. They have a run in with the Gangstas, which leads to New Jack harassing Val and letting Mustafa take her away. After that bit of implied rape, we're informed that JB is New Jack's bitch. Jesus. This is even more uncomfortable than Heidenreich. We get a segment similar to the Joey Styles one, but for Paul Heyman, who also isn't here.
Match 7: Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu - Hardcore Match
"This is your main eventch", according to Stephen. RVD's discordant theme is accompanied by the whistling of Bill Alfonso... who quickly runs up the ramp when Sabu's music hits to accompany him too. It's moments like these that remind me why I'm doing this. "Flair fears Franchise" sign which only drives it home for me: they weren't desperate enough to have to call Shane Douglas. (Actually, they did call Shane Douglas. He turned them down.) Sabu's introduction as "homicidal, suicidal, and genocidal" reminds me that right now, TNA have both Homicide and Suicide. It's a shame they never had a guy called Genocide. Did I say shame? I mean relief.
This starts really slow, with minimal contact. Soon Bill Alfonso whistles and slides a chair into the ring, which Sabu is first to. Somehow, a chair-springboard kick by Sabu which lets RVD fall head-first into the set-up chair... only gets a one count. Not even a two. I guess all that weed smoking has turned all of RVD's bones into some kind of tough rubber. Sabu does a springboard... headlock? into the crowd. That's pretty hype, in all honesty. He later goes for a chair-assisted Camel Clutch. Continuity of some sort... family continuity? This is mostly just stock RVD and Sabu spots, including the monkey flip. Both go for a spin kick off the ropes at the same time and collide with each other. Then Alfonso calls a water break. I changed my mind, all ECW nostalgia is good.
Tables are gotten. RVD does a leg drop off the ring apron to Sabu hung on the guardrail, because... why? Why would that not hurt you more than it hurts your opponent? Given what we know about leg drops. Then a slingshot leg drop to the apron over the steel chair. How is RVD's tailbone not dust? Oh yeah, tough rubber. Sabu does a springboard hurricanrana that actually pops me. They're still using that same chair, which I like. The chair is so versatile. You know what I don't like? Chairshots to the head, especially when they're denying us a perfectly good table spot. "This is awesome" for corner kicks. A fan successfully calls Rolling Thunder before it happens. It's not exactly clairvoyance, given RVD always does this, but there you go.
The basic structure of the match is: chair-based spot, pin, two count, repeat. The most notable of these is a springboard tornado DDT by Sabu on to the chair. Alfonso's whistle is getting annoying. Finish is a missed spot sending Sabu through a table and leading to a 5-Star Frog Splash for the pin and the win. We get a friendly reminder that he's going to do what is billed as even more hardcore than this on Impact in 4 days. The ECW guys unite in the ring as "Fuck you, Vince" chants break out. I hate to say it, but WWECW was closer to the legacy of the company than this. Dreamer thanks Dixie, and Brother Ray carries her to the ring (but sadly doesn't powerbomb her through a table). Only at this point do I notice how atrocious the font for this show is. See you on Impact...
Next Up: Impact - The Whole F'n Show
Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Abyss - Stairway to Janice match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) [2] vs. Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode/James Storm) [2] - World Tag Team Championship Best of 5 Series 2/3 Falls Match
Madison Rayne (c) vs. Angelina Love - for the Knockouts Championship
Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles - Career Threatening Match
Mr. Anderson vs. Matt Morgan vs. D'Angelo Dinero
Jeff Hardy vs. ???
