Sky "enjoys" the TNA Immortal Era

[Sky]

Impact April 7, 2011 - Anderson's an Asshole, Pass It On​

Opening package is about how Christopher Daniels is back, and the show is saved. Is what I would say if they weren't still featuring Gunner.

Naturally we head right into Fortune making the big opening promo. We get an appearance from those 2011-era Impact Zone plants, who are totally disinterested but pop when the camera is on them. Daniels is front and centre, and he's clear that he didn't do this for TNA, who dumped him again and again. He did this for AJ Styles who is a brother to him, whom he totally won't betray in a few months. This is all to set up, as expected, Daniels as the fourth man in the Fortune team in Lethal Lockdown. So far, so good.

Out comes Immortal, with Old Man Flair rambling and burying Daniels for being small and not being a star in the 80s. He offers Daniels an opportunity to leave now and not be murdered. While showing off his WWE ring and talking about how he survived a plane crash. Apparently the ever-nebulous Network wanted Daniels on TV, so Hogan and Bischoff come out to say that... they're fine with it. They want to see Daniels get wrecked in Lethal Lockdown. Also, he's up against Bully Ray later, who is allegedly the baddest man on the planet. Bully wants Daniels to put on mascara and lipstick and watch Oprah. Local man thinks too much about crossdressing cruiserweights for it to be a coincidence.

Anderson's pulling out his laptop, presumably for a mid-show wank, until he notices a little note from Sting. "Tonight, it's showtime", allegedly.

Hogan's Office Watch: Hogan is angry about the Network getting wins over him, and he suspects someone who has wrestled. Bischoff is going to fix this. X to doubt.

Match 1: Mexican America (Hernandez/Anarquia) vs. Devon/Tommy Dreamer​

Taz has a verbal erection over Sarita and Rosita. Team ECW kick it off with a big old punchfest, and dominates at first, wiping Hernandez out on the floor and bullying Anarquia with double-team moves like the Wazzup. Devon is setting himself up but Rosita hops on the apron, so Devon forces a kiss on her. Sexual assault: it's what babyfaces do! A Rosita/Sarita distraction lets Anarquia use a chair for Hernandez to get the pin. Post-match the women strip the mats and Hernandez teases Border Tossing Dreamer over the ropes on to concrete Jesus Fucking Christ why. Thankfully Matt Morgan saves Dreamer from literally dying. Morgan can't get his hands on Hernandez but Anarquia keeps getting wrecked.

Winter berates Angelina for partnering with Velvet, and is full-on abusive girlfriend about it. Angelina's in zombie mode and drinking out of that same red cup.

Match 2: Samoa Joe vs. Murphy​

Wonder how this goes? Pope's here to sit on commentary, not even bothering with the headset and sticking to his blingy mic. The distraction lets Murphy jump Joe for a good 20 seconds but Joe starts no-selling. Coquina Clutch finishes it. Pope rushes away from commentary to make sure Joe can't catch him.

Camera guy's following Anderson around and there's another love letter from Sting. Anderson is pissed and starts tossing things around. "I DON'T LIKE LOVE NOOOOTES!"

Match 3: Mexican America (Sarita/Rosita) (c) vs. The Beautiful People (Angelina Love/Velvet Sky) - for the Knockouts Tag Team Championship​

Champs out first, and Rosita is not feeling Sarita's affection. Angelina has to be dragged out. What if she's not in zombie mode and it's just all the work on her face that's made her unable to emote? She can't even let the pigeons loose, she just stares on the apron until Sarita attacks. Velvet's basically 2v1, while commentary talks exclusively about men's feuds. Angelina is too dazed to tag in. Winter shows up and does a "snap" motion so Angelina starts attacking Velvet! Neck snap over the ropes and ground and pound. Rosita gets the pin, yep.

Anderson's looking around for Sting, and finds EY and OJ. EY (still carrying around the old design World Title) suggests looking in the rafters, while OJ is into Anderson's asshole (gimmick).

One break later, and Anderson's up there. He's looking to commit Cluedo murder (it was Major Asshole, in the rafters, with the lead pipe) but he gets beaten down by an entirely different man with a trenchcoat. It's RVD! "It's 4:20, buddy" says RVD, at about 8:45 p.m. on the 7th of April. It's so weird to see RVD being intense and giving a shit about anything. I do like the filming of this, very raw. Anderson gets choked with the pipe.

Recap of the Anderson/RVD/Sting shenanigans. Anderson claims that at one point he was nice and did things the political way. RVD brags about refusing to drop the belt. Then they replay the beatdown.

Out comes World Champion Sting, who reckons it's a good night to call out RVD. He calls out RVD for being a dick, to which RVD responds with a reminder that Sting beat the shit out of him on his TNA debut. RVD basically thinly-veiledly calls Sting old and says he's the whole fucking show now. His theme didn't give that away? Out comes Hogan and Bischoff, who decides to make Sting vs. RVD in non-title tonight. We've just barely kissed the second hour and only now do we have the main event of this show! Wonder what got bumped for that, in kayfabe.

In the back Madison demands Tara do an unspecified thing and they're constantly arguing. Have we seen two women that don't have problems with each other this show? Winter/Angelina, that's it.

Anderson is being a big old grumpy guts in the back, tossing pictures around, and starts to get ideas when he sees a Hulk Hogan pic.

Match 4: Robbie E/Max Buck/Jeremy Buck vs. Brian Kendrick/Chris Sabin/Suicide​

Okay, so who's Suicide now? This is a preview of the Xscape match at Lockdown. Oh yeah, there's an Xscape match at Lockdown, something not mentioned on TV until now. Taz compares Robbie E's hair to a Russian hat. Cookie screams advice. Suicide does his stuff but the heels get him in their corner and isolate him. Robbie uses an X Division boot choke. Brian Kendrick has the hot tag. Nick blind tags in and goes on the top rope but Matt attacks him and hits a DDT. That's two matches where tag partners attacked each other! Matt takes off the Generation Me Armband (which has been totally relevant thusfar) and throws it at Nick.

Hogan's in his office with the Immortal goon squad, and he trashes Murphy and Terry for sucking. Terry makes an incredible constipation face when Gunner slaps him. Anderson clears them out to ask Hogan to ref Sting/RVD. In exchange he'll... support Hogan? What an anticlimactic heel turn, if that's what this is. "It's a good day" is the catchphrase for this episode.

Backstage it's implied that Madison and Tara ran over Mickie with their bike. She's selling it harder than she sold getting thrown in front of a train, at least. One break later, the TNA agents are trying to get medical attention for her. No shit.

Match 5: Christopher Daniels vs. Bully Ray - Lumberjack Match​

Fuck yeah, Daniels' theme is back. Lumberjacks are Fortune and Immortal members, so it's one of those lumberjack matches. You know the ones. The ones where the clashes between Facejacks and Heeljacks make the match a sideshow. At least these two can wrestle worth a damn, unlike some of the worse lumberjack matches I've watched. Bully teases using the chain but referee Jackson James takes it away, forgetting he's supposed to make dumb pro-Immortal mistakes. Daniels hits the BME but Flair yanks the ref out and everything breaks down. Out comes Hogan who now uses the chain! Hogan just did more to help Immortal in one match than he did in the past month.

Oh, fuck me, here's the jarrett vs. Angle feud again. Jeff's ordered that they put the cage up, for a bit of a fun visual. And also because he wants to know how Angle feels in jail. They've only got three walls up though (presumably because Russo keeps breaking the fourth one). Shame that match isn't going ahead anymore, says Jeff, as if he'd beaten Angle like he wants to, the pigs would have come for him instead. He calls for a Karen entrance, but we get Angle's music. And he comes in on Suicide's zip wire through the missing cage wall! That's awesome. As the fourth wall starts coming up, Angle locks the door! Karen does a high-heel run-in and Jeff has to climb to safety.

Angle explains how he got out of jail: he got the cops to watch the show, so they could see the jarretts conspire to pervert the course of justice on national television. Angle teases a stipulation for his match at Lockdown. Oh yeah, looks like you'll see one of my favourite one-off stipulations.

Match 6: Sting vs. Rob Van Dam (Special Guest Referee: Mr. Anderson)​

RVD does his thing, and does the Rolling Thunder that beat Sting last year, but only gets two. Sting dodges a corner charge so RVD hits his shoulder, but doesn't even bother to work that limb. Scorpion Death Drop, but before Sting can do anything else, Anderson hits the Mic Check on him! He starts counting for a double KO (very unevenly) but RVD gets up and wins with a Five Star Frog Splash. Post-match Anderson blasts RVD with the belt and the Immortal goons show up to celebrate with him and they milk... but it was all a ruse, a trickery! Anderson beats them up! I should have known that it wasn't real, because they would have brought out someone who actually mattered. Anderson taunts Hogan (on the ramp) a bit, to which Hogan responds by saying fuck.

And then we finish off with an extended version of that Sting/RVD/Anderson package from earlier. So far, so TNA ReAction. Remember when that was a thing? See you next Impact for the go-home!

 

[Sky]

Impact April 14, 2011 - Don't Box Me In​

I'm barely awake and I didn't sleep well last night, but it doesn't matter! We're back for good, at least I hope we are. You know what's also back? Ken Anderson being a wildcard and fighting with other alleged babyfaces! Which is what this episode's opening package focuses on.

All of Immortal out first, and I guess we'll find out what Hogan meant by "fuck you next week". He calls out Anderson for not toeing the line, to which Anderson goes off on the heel crew for swinging on Hogan's nuts. He's an asshole, but they're up Hogan's asshole. (Actual lines he used, by the way.) Basically, he refuses to obey Hogan while surrounded by ten of his goons. Guess what that means. If you said a big beatdown, then you are correct! Like an abusive lover Hogan blames Anderson for being hurt. I don't imagine he needed much range to act that.

Velvet wants into Angelina's dressing room but only gets Winter. Angelina's not interested any longer (last I checked, she wasn't interested in anything other than staring into space) so Velvet resolves to call her out in-ring. I wonder how that goes.

Immortal are celebrating but Bischoff gets a call from the Network demanding a series for the man advantage at Lockdown. Hogan's annoyed that this Network issue hasn't been dealt with already, but Bully Ray is bullish about it saying they're just Going To Win The Upcoming Matches.

Match 1: Jesse Neal vs. Orlando Jordan vs. Douglas Williams vs. Crimson​

This is a preview of the Lockdown tag. Crimson's out to Steiner's music. Neal gets distracted by Moore, warning him against disrespecting Scott Steiner. Pretty sure the ref (Jackson James, of course) is making fast counts. Neal hits his spear on Crimson but again, with the Moore/Steiner issues he can't capitalise. Moore and Steiner brawl to the back, Neal leaves the match behind, and Crimson follows. Suddenly Abyss shows up and grabs some guardrail to chokeslam Crimson on to! Neck-first, by the way. British Invasion double-teaming is not noticed because EY is trying to slam the ref. Eventually OJ hits his neckbreaker (called the Gender Bender) for the win.

Bully meets RVD backstage and tells him to accept Hogan's offer, seemingly by implying that there's weed in it for him. He knows Rob well.

Match 2: Kazarian vs. Matt Hardy - First Match in the Lethal Lockdown Man Advantage Series​

Oh boy, we are match-a-minute up in here. Matt's out with the Immortal squad, so Kaz responds by bringing out the Fortune squad. Then Earl Hebner just sends everyone to the back. Kaz has the edge until Matt crotches him on the ropes. This is another of those matches where Matt hard focuses the neck to set up the Ice Pick, and I'm very into that. Kaz is full of counters throughout. Matt misses a moonsault so Kaz can get some comebacks, including some neck-targeting of his own. Fade to Black teased (Taz calls it a Kryptonite Krunch which is a totally different move). Kaz gets a boot up in the corner and Hardy fakes getting... stabbed in the eye? This lets him push Hebner into the ropes crotching Kaz on them. Ice Pick, Kaz is out, Immortal's up 1-0. Nice TV match!

Madison's going to come out to apologise to Mickie, apparently.

One break later, Madison and Tara are in the ring. Madison regrets what she did... which is not running over Mickie with the bike a second time! I knew there was a twist. Also, she wants to slap Tara for questioning her plan of attempted murder. Madison becomes the second woman to say "bitch" this week after Velvet. If Tara doesn't fall in line, Madison will have her working minimum wage at Sunglass Hut the makeup counter. Tara's got something to say, but Mickie comes out in a sling. She's got a separated shoulder but she still wants to compete. Having only one working arm really brings the intensity out of Mickie, and I like it.

Match 3: Kurt Angle/Matt Morgan/Samoa Joe vs. Jeff jarrett/Hernandez/D'Angelo Dinero​

Pope's money rain rating: no idea, he gets a jobber entrance. Jeff starts by running away from Angle. One break later, it's Morgan/Pope and Morgan does the stock giant back elbows in the corner. Morgan tweaks his knee but the heel heat doesn't last long. Angle fucks up his back on a superplex. Joe tries to set up a Muscle Buster on Pope but Jeff shuts it down. Angle chases Jeff away to the back. We're on two matches so far where part of the match leaves early. Anarquia tosses brass knucks to Hernandez but Morgan shuts him down. Pope manages to take them and the power of the papal punch on Joe wins it for the heels. Post-match Mexican America beat down Morgan and Hernandez finally gets to use the knucks.

The jarretts are making their escape, Karen has to go back and get her purse, but that means Jeff leaves her behind. The way Angle talks to Karen afterwards could only be described as "wistful trash talk". Fuck, this feud's an ordeal.

Another Immortal promo?! Guess they're going to make RVD that offer now. Hogan reminds RVD what he's done for his career (what was that about abusive lovers I was saying earlier...?) and praises his new attitude. Sting's out, and he thinks RVD is better than stealing wins like that, and appeals to his decency. RVD just walks away. Then the Smiling Fucking Mug mocks Sting for not playing politics like Hogan, using a lot of chess metaphors. This gets him Scorpion Death Dropped. Sting's got bad-back Hogan begging for mercy in the corner. He's going to give Hogan a taste of his own medicine, on his own time. Translation: about six months.

Match 4: James Storm vs. Abyss - Second Match in the Lethal Lockdown Man Advantage Series​

Abyss debuts the music he was using when I first saw him. That is, his worst music. The one with the Undertaker bongs. Storm is the house on proverbial fire after getting a beer spit in Abyss' face. Commentary reveals the very cool Ultra Male Rules stipulation for Angle/jarrett: it's 2/3 falls, fall 1 is pinfall, fall 2 is submission, fall 3 is escape the cage. Why have they never done that again? It's one of the best TNA stipulations (the least bad ones). Anyway, Abyss uses his power but Storm comes back. Chokeslam countered into a Codebreaker. A second chokeslam is kicked out. Some finishers teased until Abyss gets the Black Hole Slam to shut out the series completely clean. At least we won't have to see Roode vs. Ric Flair as advertised. Fortune stops an Immortal beatdown.

Bisch is on the mic in the Immortal office. He's demanding to know who's with the Network, but apparently will find out "in time".

No pigeons being let loose as Velvet Sky enters. She calls out Angelina as promised, and Angelina comes out to Winter's music, once again as a zombie. Velvet tries to slap Angelina around but gets no-sold and wrecked. Angelina gets a chair, hits some sort of a reverse DDT back cracker (it doesn't look good), then DDTs Velvet's face on to the chair. Angelina's eye makeup is getting redder. She follows Winter to the back...

Run-down of the Lockdown card, followed by a package about Lethal Lockdown featuring soundbites from the Immortal and Fortune team members about how dangerous and deadly the match is. Roode seems oddly fine with this, though, mostly talking about how he's going to have fun with the Cincinnati fans.

Match 5: Mr. Anderson vs. Immortal (Bully Ray/Gunner/Murphy/Rob Terry) - Handicap Gauntlet Match​

Murphy is in first, of course, you want to get the small fry out of the way. Murphy starts by attacking the leg, but misses a knee drop, takes one Mic Check, and it's over. Next up is Rob Terry, who just isn't selling but almost falls to some quick pin attempts. Terry's so strong he can do a standing legbar. Why didn't he do that more often? Oh yeah, because he sucked. Anderson slips out of a powerslam attempt, Mic Check 2, both those guys are down with effectively one move. Gunner continues the pattern by attacking the knee, including a leg draped over the ropes. Anderson gets his good boot up and recovers, but his knee can't hold him up for a Green Bay Plunge attempt. Gunner misses a corner charge and Anderson hits the Mic Check, done.

And at last, we have the only believable opponent in Bully Ray, who like his predecessors attacks the leg. "You can't wrestle" chants for Bully, and yet Rob Terry was not given the same treatment. He goes up top, and Anderson uses the rope assist to get the Green Bay Plunge off this time. Bully sends Anderson to the outside and then bumps the ref just because he can. He drags Anderson up on to the stage and teases the same attack that sent AJ Styles to the hospital... out comes Hulk Hogan, who wants to do it himself! Sting stops him, Abyss tries to attack but gets a baseball bat beating! So does Bully! Sting saves Anderson and commentary wonder what RVD is thinking.

To the Fortune locker room, where James Storm is really passionate about hurting Immortal because AJ Styles got hurt. Valid reason.

Camera guy wants thoughts from RVD, he gets none.

Anderson is ungrateful for Sting saving his career just there. He came here for the fucking belt, he says multiple times. What a shame he's in a match for the wrestling belt.

Sting is all fired up to win and deny Immortal what it wants.

Hogan is walking and talking, ranting about Sting wanting a war and getting one. I don't know how to end these recaps since they all end with interviews now and that's not too explosive.

Next up: Lockdown 2011
Sting (c) vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson - Steel Cage Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Fortune (Kazarian/Robert Roode/James Storm/Christopher Daniels) vs. Immortal (Ric Flair/Bully Ray/Abyss/Matt Hardy) - Lethal Lockdown Match
Madison Rayne (c) vs. Mickie James - Steel Cage Title vs. Hair Match for the Knockouts Championship
Kurt Angle vs. Jeff jarrett - Ultra Male Rules Match
Brian Kendrick vs. Chris Sabin vs. Robbie E vs. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Amazing Red vs. Jay Lethal vs Suicide - X Division Championship #1 Contender's Xscape Match
Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez - Steel Cage Match
Samoa Joe vs. D'Angelo Dinero - Steel Cage Match
Ink, Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) vs. Scott Steiner/Crimson vs. The British Invasion (Douglas Williams/Magnus) vs. Eric Young/Orlando Jordan - Steel Cage Match​

 

[Sky]

Lockdown 2011 - Predetermined Steel​

The all-cage PPV is back! Depending on who you ask, there's a few stories on how Lockdown came to exist, but all of them are consistent that it was a joke that someone took seriously. Still, at least it produced some decent television. Hey, did someone suggest that they play out the Angle/jarrett divorce proceedings as a months-long wrestling angle as a joke too? Because I see no reason why it's happened. Opening package focuses on how dangerous the cage is... before transitioning to the Angle thing. "I AM SICK OF THIS SHIT" -Angle, talking my language. At least Fortune/Immortal and the title three-way gets some focus too. There's also a ton of stock footage of blood that I thnk they reused from that Whole F'n Show show. Off we go!

Match 1: Brian Kendrick vs. Chris Sabin vs. Robbie E vs. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Amazing Red vs. Jay Lethal vs Suicide - X Division Championship #1 Contender's Xscape Match​

They've got the three-screen setup and I am SOLD. The Bucks' individual entrances are lame enough to fit well in their current AEW failure gimmick. Speaking of AEW, I'm going to their Glasgow show. Did I mention that? Suicide gets a bigger pop than anyone else in the field except Sabin which is depressing. He's also getting a shocking amount of shine early. There's a few teases of Buck vs. Buck but it never gets anywhere. Robbie E pins Suicide for the first elim. Lethal gets a bit of time to mock Robbie before he does some really smooth stuff with Sabin. Then we get Red vs. Lethal and a Code Red to eliminate Lethal. In what I believe is his last TV appearance for TNA as he got released a few days later. This company.

Speaking of underused guys, Amazing Red, who gets a good bit of time to show off his athleticism with Sabin before he gets eliminated too. Sabin does his cool Tree of Woe dropkick on Matt. Kendrick is just sitting around meditating in the corner for most of this match. While I process crowd chanting for Kendrick, Matt eliminates Sabin to negative reaction with a top rope cutter, then Kendrick storms in. For about five seconds before Robbie E kills his momentum. Matt does a moonsault but Kendrick gets the knees up. Nick tags in and NOW we get the brother war. Nick takes Matt's head off with a roundhouse kick, fucking hell. Then Matt does a random small package to chuck Nick for zero reaction. Says it all, really.

Both heels battering-ram Kendrick into the cage which cannot be a fun bump to take. Doesn't stop Kendrick from kicking both guys and eliminating Robbie. Escape section begins, and Kendrick takes some more stupid head and neck bumps. We go to the top rope and have the same top rope battle that always seems to happen in these cage matches. Kendrick looks like he's climbed but Matt shoves the ref into the cage and Kendrick takes a physics-defying bump back into the ring. It's all academic, and Max wins a huge letdown of a match. A match designed to be a spotfest, with nearly zero spots thanks to the cage, just guys wrestling generic-like but they're smaller. Like death-era WCW cruiserweights. Sad.

What could possibly hype this crowd up? An Eric Bischoff promo, that'll definitely work! He gives himself a verbal blowjob over the size of the crowd for entirely too long and then says that Immortal are Going To WIn The Upcoming Match. A "we want wrestling" chant starts up, just a little.

Christy's in the back, in some corridor under some stairs rather than a booth of some sort. At least put up a curtain. Anyway, she's interviewing Crimson and Scott Steiner. Steiner references the Kobe Bryant rape case, and yet he doesn't get fired. Maybe Abraham Washington should have gone into chainmail headwear, maybe that would have helped.

Match 2: Ink, Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) vs. Scott Steiner/Crimson vs. The British Invasion (Douglas Williams/Magnus) vs. Eric Young/Orlando Jordan - Steel Cage Match​

This isn't a contender match, it's just tag teams doing something because champs Beer Money are busy off in Lethal Lockdown. EY and OJ's tron says "I love tag teaming" and OJ is dressed as a caveman. EY does a rope walk and some guy chants Super Eric. He and Jesse Neal do the "series of moves and standoff" but it's all armdrags. That's fine. I like armdrags. British Invasion do some double team stuff but OJ breaks out of it by grinding on Doug Williams in the corner. Brits bully Jesse Neal and the crowd wants Steiner, probably recognising that he's the hot tag that ends this match. Crimson doesn't satisfy them. Only Steiner does.

So Steiner does all his signature spots. Belly-to-bellies for everyone! Top rope belly-to-belly for one Brit, teasing a Frankensteiner for the other, but Shannon Moore's blind tagged himself in and kills the momentum. EY takes his shorts off to show some leopard-print "team unity" with OJ. Moonsault by Moore gets two. OJ hits the Gender Bender (it's a great move, but why call it that??). Everyone does their finishes on each other, EY wipes out Steiner with a dropkick, and goes to climb. But while he's climbing down, Moore stumbles his way into hitting a Mooregasm on one of the Brits for the win in another weirdly flat finish. Or maybe it's just that the crowd has not cared about the match. What was that about wanting wrestling?

Christy Interview #2 is in the corridors with Madison (with her biggest tiara yet) and Tara. Madison threatens to demonstrate what she's about to do to Mickie's hair on Tara. Tara stopping her is apparently the biggest offense ever so she tells Tara not to show up to the ring.

"I got my own tale of the tape - both these chicks are hot!" -Taz. Women's wrestling in 2011.

Match 3: Madison Rayne (c) vs. Mickie James - Steel Cage Title vs. Hair Match for the Knockouts Championship​

Mickie has her arm in a sling position even when she's not wearing a sling. Except when she has to play to the crowd. Taz references Sinead O'Connor. Two absolutely incredible signs (and I mean incredible entirely pejoratively):

• "Mickie - winning the belt will add 10 pounds to your waistline" (someone let LayCool in to the front row?)
• "Women are good at: jello wrestling, pudding wrestling, pro wrestling, hair cutting". Genuinely the worst sign I've ever seen, and I've seen the ones covered in slurs for Bruce.

Earl Hebner tries to remove Madison's tiara forgetting it's pinned down. Mickie shoves Madison into the cage a few times with her one bad shoulder, jumping DDT... it's done?? New Knockouts Champion - Mickie James in all of 30 seconds. A whole year of shitty Madison title run, over in 30 seconds to a one-armed woman. I mean, at least it's over but Jeez fucking Louise.

Christy Interview #3, and Christy is incredibly hyped that Mickie won, but mostly because she's standing next to Matt Morgan. He's not moved on from Hernandez all year, and he's still all about kicking dudes in the head. You know what needs kicked in the head, that shitty Mexican America stable.

Package about Pope/Joe, and absolute credit to the people who make these video packages, they make the feuds look like they don't suck!

Match 4: Samoa Joe vs. D'Angelo Dinero - Steel Cage Match​

Pope's money rain rating: none, because the arena doesn't have the mechanism. Pope's too scared to face Joe like a true heel. He tries to climb, and when Joe goes to drag him down he gets an eye rake. Joe no-sells a slam. There's a long walking (running) cameraman shot after Joe does some babyface shine. Both men try to climb the cage, and battle on the top rope; Joe smashes Pope's face into the cage, making Pope land yambag-region-first. Pope drags the ref into Joe's path to stop his momentum and take control. Which he does with a face rake. Pope uppercut gets two and then on goes the chinlock! They really sold this as "Submission vs. Street" but Joe's done plenty of strikes and Pope's been first to try a hold so far. Joe recovers and tries a sleeper but eats a lariat.

Joe counters the body guillotine attempt with a powerslam. They really like using wide shots this match. Joe does his senton combo and then a leg lariat which is one of the highest spots all match somehow. Pope gets his foot on the rope after a Muscle Buster, but if I frame-by-frame it he's not had his foot meet the rope yet before the three. Joe drags Pope off the cage by his tights, because if Flair's wrestling we've got to see man-ass somehow. An elbow drop and Codebreaker both fail to get results, DDE set up, but Joe catches Pope and slams him right into the cage. Muscle Buster, Coquina Clutch, and Pope's done. Now, can this feud be over?

Mexican America are having a pep talk, which Christy invades for an interview with Hernandez. "What is Mexican America?" -Christy, not getting it. Somehow, Hernandez, the leader of this stable, is the least convincing Spanish speaker. I love to repeat the fact that Hernandez was playing an American foreign heel in Mexico at the time.

The video package for Morgan/Hernandez focuses on how big they are and reminds us that when this started Morgan was the heel.

Match 5: Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez - Steel Cage Match​

"From Houston, Texas" -Borash, blowing Hernandez's gimmick right away. Morgan kicks off with slugs and a side slam. Anarquia pulls Morgan's leg through the camera hole so Hernandez can get a splash off. Hernandez grinds Morgan's face against the steel and uses a nerve pinch, that classic Mexican move. So far this is just a regular match with a cage wall and it's been all SuperMex. Hernandez does a shoulder barge but doesn't get the three because he poses before the pin. Towel choking! Hernandez spends half a minute posing after a corner charge; he's really milking this. This gives Morgan time to recover and hit a lariat.

Morgan comes back, and resorts to punching and cage-tossing like it's a WCW cage main event. A back suplex for two is a rare wrestling move for this match. Hernandez can't decide whether he wants to do a headbutt or a spear so he just bowls himself and Morgan over. The non-Mexican women try to climb, and soon so does Anarquia, but Morgan swats the latter off the wall. Hernandez goes up top, but Morgan plucks him out of the air with a (less impactful than usual) Carbon Footprint for the three. We're one out of five on matches being decent so far. Maybe two if I'm generous. Morgan rides the cage to celebrate and hugs some of Cincinnati's finest in the crowd.

Post-match Sarita and Rosita complain that the victory wasn't legitimate because America hates Mexicans. How does it feel about Canadians and other Americans though? Sarita makes the crowd care more than they did throughout the X Division match. Out comes Velvet Sky to attack both women and use some of her... unique offence. Sarita takes off her boots for the beatdown, for some reason.

Christy Interview #5 is with Karen jarrett, apparently in front of a trough. Jeff is Going To Win The Upcoming Match, and she's confident of that.

Video package of this excruciating jarretts/Angle feud. Make it stop. It won't stop, but make it stop.

Match 6: Kurt Angle vs. Jeff jarrett - Ultra Male Rules Match​

Reminder: two out of three falls rules. Submission, then pinfall, then escape. Why was this only done once? Ref sends Karen away from ringside to kick off. Jeff is full coward, and so he should be because Angle dominates early. Jeff grabs a boot and tries a Figure Four which I can only describe as "Miz-esque". Ref keeps counting Angle for pins. Even though it's submission only. T-Bone suplex and the first ankle lock attempt of the match. Jeff tries a sleeper (silly, if he wanted to put Angle to sleep he should have shown him Morgan/Hernandez). That running-cameraman shot is back. Angle slips out and attempts the ankle lock again but Jeff gets out and dodges a shoulder charge. This leads to a cross-arm breaker (any chance for Taz to say "jujigatame", I guess), but Angle converts into an ankle lock for fall one (Angle 1-0 jarrett).

Jeff can barely walk, but he can shove Angle into the cage and hit a sloppy Stroke for two. Top rope crossbody but Angle rolls through. Rope choking! And that same wide shot! Double down and the ref administers a standing ten-count. Does he just not know the rules or what? Angle does his rolling Germans which Jeff counters with a nutshot which the ref didn't notice. Would he have called a DQ had he noticed? In a cage match? I would not be surprised. Stroke attempt countered, Angle Slam, only two. That one camera guy far from the cage is getting the miles in. Jeff shoves Angle off the top but Angle comes right back (stumbling all the way - did they grease the ropes?) and hits a super belly-to-belly, for only two again.

Angle busts out a cutter, which the commentators act like they've never seen before. Jeff puts his hand so full of tights to get the eventual pin, which isn't definitive at all and confuses the crowd for a few seconds until Borash confirms it (Angle 1-1 jarrett).

Okay, escape fall now. Jeff notices the lock to the cage door still has its key in it, tries to deal with Angle and walk right out, but Angle counters and finally finishes his rolling Germans. Angle's almost escaped but refuses to as he doesn't want to leave Jeff in there. He did this same spot with Anderson last year. Idiot babyface syndrome returns! Angle throws away the key (puts it in his singlet). Jeff bleeds first. They're both on the top rope, Angle tries to climb, but Jeff gets him in the perfect position for a powerbomb. But not the execution because he fucks it up and puts Angle right on his broken freakin' head. They even do a PiP replay of the botch. Angle's fine, though, at least fine enough to pop up and hit a top rope Angle Slam outta nowhere. Brooke Hogan is thrilled.

Angle tries to escape, forgets he locked the door, and somehow managed to lose the key. Time to climb but out comes Gunner wtih a chair to endanger Angle. He can't find an opening, so instead he does his moonsault off the cage! And misses! Again! Out comes Steiner to neutralise Gunner. In the double down, Angle finds the key and can escape like he wanted to earlier... wait no, here comes Karen with a spray. Ref didn't see it. It doesn't matter, it's a cage match! Angle bumps the ref thinking he's Jeff. Jeff's almost made it to the door but Angle drags him in with an ankle lock! Karen passes Jeff a guitar to knock out Angle! Ref bump, guitar shot, win.... wait, no, Jeff celebrates too long and now Karen and Angle are tug-of-warring him. Karen slams the door in Angle's face and Jeff drops out (Angle 1-2 jarrett). Holy overbooking, Batman!

Speaking of overbooking, it's time for the World Title package! Anderson and RVD feel screwed, Sting is the real top babyface in big 2011, everyone is a bit of a dick, and Hogan and Bischoff are playing them all for fools. That about sums it up.

Match 7: Sting (c) vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson - Steel Cage Match for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Anderson asks if there are any assholes in the building, which. Yeah, there are. They were the ones sitting on their hands for half the X Division guys, the ones who actually did flips. Anderson kicks off by shit talking both the others and getting wrecked. Sting tries a Scorpion Deathlock early but RVD kicks him down. Time for RVD to do his spots, until Anderson yanks down the rope sending RVD to Concussion City against the cage wall. Right in the enzui. Sting and Anderson both try their finishes, RVD tries to intervene but Sting knocks him down and does a Double Scorpion Deathlock! That's such a cool spot, I hate how much the crowd sucks for it. There's a triple down and the ref administers a standing ten. In a cage match! Are all the refs taking stupid pills today?

Not to be outdone on the double spots, Anderson hits a double Mic Check, goes for two pins each on both guys, but it doesn't work. RVD soon does a Five Star Frog Splash for two. A lot of finishers being eaten tonight, and we're barely five minutes in. Sting hits a Scorpion Death Drop on RVD while Anderson is clotheslining him. Here come the shenanigans as Hogan shows up with a lead pipe! He passes it over to RVD, who teases using it but ultimately throws it away. It falls to Anderson who uses it! Not for Hogan, as he insists, but for himself. All this lets Sting get a Scorpion Death Drop for the win. That cannot have been eight minutes, and that is the World Title match! At least that didn't main. Lethal Lockdown had better pull off the hard carry.

Match 8: Fortune (Kazarian/Robert Roode/James Storm/Christopher Daniels) vs. Immortal (Ric Flair/Bully Ray/Abyss/Matt Hardy) - Lethal Lockdown Match​

I can't exactly verbalise why, but the entrances in this match in particular are some of my favourite entrances. Borash helps a lot. The starting pair is Kaz and Abyss, which is an interesting strategy. I'd have Abyss as the anchor myself. This lets Kaz get a little bit of offence but Abyss takes control. Bully Ray on the outside mentions that Kaz has a pretty face way too much. Kaz does get a bit of shine by dodging a corner charge, which always seems to be the most common Abyss bump. Next Immortal guy is Matt Hardy, and Kaz can face him in singles for a bit while Abyss lies dead on the ground. Fade to Black countered and Matt puts on the Ice Pick while Abyss clobbers Kaz's back.

Second Fortune man in is Daniels, who uses Matt as a ram to batter Abyss with. BME gets BIG elevation. This is why I love him. Kaz and Daniels give us a taste of the incredible championship material to come. Crowd wants Flair, the ungrateful Cincinnati fucks. Thankfully they get him in a black vest, doing what little he can still do. Including a nut shot. Daniels tries his damnedest to fight out but the numbers game is too strong. In comes James Storm, with back crackers for everyone before applying a beer bottle directly into Flair's face. Because if Ric Flair's wrestling, he's got to blade! Storm goes animalistic, biting the wound like a maniac. Flair does a flop then stops selling whatever made him flop and climbs the cage. Literally just so we can do another man-ass spot.

Bully Ray completes Team Immortal, and so we get about two minutes of beatdown. Flair really focuses on abusing Storm, as if he didn't relish the excuse to bleed. Roode is raring to go as he enters. "FORTUNE!" -Roode, with a flying neckbreaker. The disco lights go off as we lower the Roof O'Plunder. The resulting wide shot obscures whatever cool thing Beer Money just did together. We go to a totally unnecessary split screen that somehow makes it less clear what's happened.

Abyss gets tossed through the cage door and Daniels follows him out. Matt Hardy is trying to escape on to the cage roof, but there's no escape here! Angel's Wings teased, but Matt does a back body drop and Daniels is perilously close to the edge... Twist of Fate on the roof! Meanwhile in the cage, Ric Flair has a crimson mask. Matt Hardy bumps off the cage and the camera misses it. "Come here, fat boy" -James Storm, to a man who has gotten in way better shape recently. Matt and Abyss are up to their feet, but so is Daniels for a crossbody off the cage!! Roode has a Figure Four on Flair, but Bully comes in with the deadly bin! An extended, bloody kendo stick massacre follows. "This is for AJ"... that's the cue for AJ's music! He starts cleaning up, Meanwhile Flair eats a superkick too hard to even flop, and Roode puts on the armbar for the submission win! Well, that was certainly way better than most of the rest of the card.

Fortune gets a big win, and during the replays we still don't get a proper shot of Matt Hardy's sick messed-up bump. This company. Maybe I shouldn't be mourning its upcoming loss. See you next Impact! (The 2011 ones, not the 2025 ones. Probably.)

 

[Chris]

I love that main event

 

[Sky]

Impact April 21, 2011 - Lead (pronounced "led") The Way​

One Lockdown later, where are we, according to the video package? Well, the Sting/RVD/Anderson controversy is still going. Hogan is still doing shenanigans. The Angle/jarretts feud continues to produce good matches but absolutely tooth-pulling television otherwise. Hey, at least AJ Styles is back! And I happen to know there's a certain change coming...

AJ is the one who kicks us off by dropping down from the rafters, where there's already a cage set up! He's back, and all he wants to do is beat the shit out of Bully Ray and leave him as crippled as Bully left AJ not long ago. Bully comes out and probably debuts his "do you know who I am" catchphrase. "I'm a man, you're a boy" -are you a man who loves to play with boys, Bully? Given that he threatens to claim AJ's wife and kids right after that, probably. Bully is as always all talk and no action. When he tries to coward out Daniels shows up, brawls Bully into the cage and shuts the door! A Pele and a bin shot downs Bully. Here comes Gunner to neutralise Daniels. AJ's about to jump off the cage to put Bully through a table but Bully rolls away like a yellow-bellied bitch.

Tenay and Taz's chat about Lockdown (where apparently Ric Flair was legit hurt) gets interrupted by the rest of the Immortal goon squad showing up. Murphy bullies some ring crew and oh dear Christ Rob Terry's cutting a promo. He wants a tag title match with Beer Money in this very cage, which is an odd choice as these two losers have done zero to earn it. Beer Money gives them what they want anyway.

Match 1: Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode/James Storm) (c) vs. Immortal (Murphy/Rob Terry) - Steel Cage Match for the World Tag Team Championship​

The match starts during the break and in the middle of the heel heat segment. Because that's the part of a tag match that makes compelling TV! Murphy and Terry show off their stunning array of clubbing blows and thrown limbs until Roode recovers with a clothesline. He's had his back worked but he still manages to pull off a spinebuster on big Rob. Beer! Money! DWI, done. I'm left wondering how long Murphy's got in this company, all he does is lose.

Time for an update on the jarretts as Jeff and Karen are on a fancy horse carriage and Jeff's struggling to enjoy it because of his bad rips. There appears to be some giant crocodile or dinosaur or whatever in the background. Karen's going to be declared the Queen of the Mountain or something. Also Jeff mentions the royal wedding. That was in 2011. I feel old.

Out comes Hogan for a long promo, lead pipe in hand. He calls out RVD, who probably had a nice 4/20 before attending. He looks pretty spaced. RVD says Hogan is a heel and Hogan says RVD is a midcarder. I imagine Russo wrote those lines one-handed. But yeah, Hogan basically buries RVD for not being Hulk Hogan as usual. Enter Sting, who also isn't Hulk Hogan. RVD is a main eventer, so saith Sting, because he's in the main event on Sacrifice. Because it's in his contract that Sting gets to pick his title opponents, apparently. Hey, as creative control goes, it's not too harmful. So this boils down to Hogan clashing with the Network again, who haven't appeared on screen yet. The Network isn't here, apparently, so it's RVD vs. Abyss and Sting vs. Matt Hardy for the big one! So was there a main event that got bumped for all this stuff? Or do the matchmakers plan space for Hogan tearing everything up?

Kurt Angle's seen backstage, looking for a certain horse and carriage. Oh, joy.

Knockouts locker room update: Madison's blaming Tara for losing her title. By... not being there when she was asked not to be there? Madison accuses Tara of being in cahoots with Mickie, which to me is just the telltale sign of her having a nervous breakdown. Oh yeah, and these two women who haven't liked each other for weeks are getting a Knockouts Tag Title shot tonight.

Angle's found Eric Young feeding the horses. EY's clearly delusional, and it should be offensive, but he pops me when he calls the horses "Mongo and Sid, two best Horsemen of all time". Angle recommends EY get some buckets to clean up all the horse shit that will ensue, then gets an idea. I can tell where this is going.

We get a bit of a video package featuring Mexican America, that stable featuring zero Mexicans.

Match 2: Mexican America (Sarita/Rosita) (c) vs. Madison Rayne/Tara - for the Knockouts Tag Team Championship​

Champ out first, so they can cut a brief little promo and do a Mexican flag drop. Anarquia's voice is nails on a blackboard. One break later, we have a match, and Tara tags Madison in against her will. Sarita dominates and swivels her hips. Madison gets a Hair Pull O'Doom off, but she doesn't do anything with it, instead going off to argue with Tara. MA men distract the ref, Rosita turns Madison into a Sarita clothesline for three. Wow, if it was that easy to beat Madison, why did we have to suffer her as champ for the best part of a year? Post-match, predictably, Madison blames Tara and screams at her. The turn is coming.

Time for a right royal pain in the arse coronation. The jarretts are out in white, which really telegraphs what's going to happen. Karen sits in the cheapest plush chair they could, Jeff puts her over for interfering, and the fans just chant "sloppy seconds". Jeff puts a trophy-shop-tier crown on Karen's head... and then from the ceiling, it's joined by some horse shit! Karen's screaming, Taz's calling her "Queen Poopy" which is the most PG thing ever. Of course, Angle shows up and Angle Slams Jeff onto the turdy throne. Angle teases having a "mistress" who will be able to attack Karen in ways he can't. This is the build to one of the biggest fever dreams in wrestling history for me.

Hogan's giving a pep talk to Abyss before going to talk to Anderson. He thinks Anderson knows something about the Network, but Anderson doesn't and he's been screwed by the Network as much as Hogan has. Hogan says he would hurt Anderson if he weren't too old and beaten down for it. "It's on my time" -translated: I belong in a retirement home.

Bit of a recap of the recent history between RVD and Abyss, including a short clip of RVD on top of a ladder, which was clearly reversed because you can see the belt fall up his arm. I'm pretty sure Abyss also tries to do a Howie scream at one point.

Match 3: Rob Van Dam vs. Abyss​

RVD kicks right off with a back kick that legit knocks Abyss loopy and takes some of his teeth out. You can tell because he's trying to set up the Rolling Thunder but then just checks on Abyss. Hogan grabs RVD's leg which lets Abyss get a bit of control. Of course soon RVD fights back and at one point makes Abyss do a Flair flop. Hogan takes a swing on RVD with the pipe from the outside so there's a discussion between Hogan, RVD, and the ref, which causes enough of a distraction for Hogan to toss the pipe into the ring. Abyss uses it, Black Hole Slam, and that's it.

Post-match Abyss prepares RVD as prey for Hogan and his pipe shenanigans, but out comes Crimson for the save! Spear to Abyss! It really is like Goldberg, isn't it? Previous unknown coming in with a big push and an undefeated streak as a babyface, and he even uses a spear.

Sting wants Jeff Hardy back, but that's not for now because he's going to face Matt. You can see twinges of the Insane Icon all over him.

And just after that we get a package about heel Jeff Hardy, where they pretend they don't know how it ended. And they also pretend that Sting's line "how does it feel to destroy someone's career" was about the turn, and not Victory Road.

All of this leads into an interview with Matt Hardy, who's holding the Crayon in Ass Belt as if it's some prized trophy that Sting callously discarded. Hopefully we never see it again. Except in 2012 when Jeff brings it back. That was stupid.

Matt Morgan's out for a promo. Now that that year-long Hernandez feud is over, Morgan wants a title shot. Which is rich, given the multiple title shots he's had in the past few months and proven how much he'd suck as a top contender. Out comes Scott Steiner, because apparently Morgan can't ever escape wide steroid junkies. Steiner says if he had Morgan's DNA, he'd "kill himself and then hang himself". He should be the contender, apparently, because he's been the world champ before elsewhere. Hey, it's the same logic Hogan uses. He then alludes to having banged Morgan's girlfriend. Morgan babyfaces it, puts Steiner over for being a collegiate wrestler who went pro. Steiner chooses anyway to kick Morgan in the testes and put him in the Steiner Recliner! He only recently debuted as a babyface and he's already going heel! Relatively restrained for Russo, in fact.

Miss Tessmacher is back! She isn't wearing glasses any more, and she wants a title shot. To make herself a true Knockout, she says bitch. Wild that the member of Extreme Expose that WWE threw in the garbage will turn out to be the best in-ring of the three, huh.

Velvet thinks Angelina has gone too far and it's all Winter's fault. Winter shows up and Velvet threatens to call the cops ("acting" pretty poorly, in all honesty). Angelina attacks her from behind and the heels leave her for dead.

Match 4: Sting (c) vs. Matt Hardy - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

The Immortal goons try to swarm Sting at the start but Fortune show up to deal with them! We start with a brawl on the outside until Gunner slips through with Immortal's favourite weapon, the lead pipe, and clocks Sting on the knee. So instead of working the neck as usual, Matt's going to have to work the leg a bit. He still uses his neck offence though. Matt misses a moonsault and Sting tries Scorpion Deathlock early but Matt escapes. Okay now Matt's targeting the leg, with a half crab that comes to nothing. One break later, Sting's hobbling. Matt attacks the wrong leg at one point but he does well otherwise. Sting manages to counter a Twist of Fate attempt and yank him off the top rope. Stinger Splash missed, but flapjack to the corner and Scorpion Death Drop means Sting retains.

Post-match Anderson shows up to Mic Check both men, and drops a mic so he can tell Sting that their feud is still going.

Apparently the jarretts are still covered in shit and Karen is screaming her head off about it. "Everything's turned to freaking shit" -Karen on this storyline.

Hogan says Anderson wasted a chance to turn heel and join Immortal (don't worry, he'll get another) and then challenges the Network to show themselves at last.

Anderson doesn't like Sting or Matt Hardy, which we kind of knew.

Sting doesn't give a shit about Hogan/Network because Anderson is on his mind. Thank fuck someone's got good priorities. See you next Impact for more proper prioritisation!

 

[Sky]

Impact April 28, 2011 - It Never Ends​

We open up with horseshit, and also horse shit, in a video package. The main storylines are the Network and jarretts vs. Angle, all of which I'm very done with, with Anderson's assholery playing third wheel.

We start off with half the Knockouts division in the ring, plus some extras, as the jarretts show up. Karen's carrying an umbrella and traumatised. Basically she's gathered every woman she knows and she's going to scream at each one of them about why she suspects her as Kurt Angle's "mistress":

• A caterer, who insists she's just doing her job
• A seamstress, who also insists she's just doing her job
• Miss Tessmacher, who was seen leaving the same gym as Kurt Angle, as if it's considered odd that women hit the gym. Also she does a fake bend-over to taunt Jeff
• Sarita and Rosita, because Karen has no idea why the anti-American fake Mexicans wouldn't be seen dead with the American Olympic Hero
• Madison Rayne and Tara, because they're ex-champions(?), and of course Madison throws Tara under the bus, calls her a slut and implies she'd sleep with Jeff too
• Velvet Sky, whom Karen calls a 6.5 and implies she's not just a whore, but a jobber whore on top of that

This makes Velvet slap both jarretts, and this sparks a catfight of all catfights until Zombie Angelina shows up to attack Velvet. Winter threatens SoCal Val to get a bell, and I guess this is a match now!

Match 1: Velvet Sky vs. Angelina Love​

Angelina has clearly been watching Nailz tapes as she focuses on forearms and illegal chokes. And she's just not selling anything Velvet is throwing down. Velvet finally gets a bit of a comeback going on but she's distracted by Winter, who illegally attacks while the ref isn't looking. Botox Injection would usually finish it but Winter instructs her to use a choke for the win. The announcement of the win pops me - because it's the debut of ring announcer Christy Hemme! Still, this storyline is lame.

Mr. Anderson is sentimental about a pickup truck, and wants his title shot.

Clip of Sting after Lockdown without facepaint. He wants everybody, and can't get enough.

Matt Morgan is a grumpy tall boy in search of Scott Steiner, who's stopping him from getting a title match allegedly. You're not even in the top 10 contenders, my guy. Remember the top 10 contenders?

Match 2: Chris Sabin vs. Anarquia​

Hemme's announcing is rough at the start, yeesh. Giant Mexican Flag returns and Anarquia announces a Cinco de Mayo celebration for next week. Sarita and Rosita distract Sabin to let Anarquia do Anarquia things. Which is... just brawling, basically. Sabin recovers and goes up for a flying forearm, lands badly and tears his ACL. An audible is called and Anarquia wins with a roll-up. Post-match there's a beatdown on the legit hurt Sabin, but Alex Shelley returns! He lays everyone out! He's back from long-term injury, just a shame his partner is now out with long-term injury and we won't see him again for a year. There go those tag team division plans, I guess.

Scott Steiner's fucking around with a plastic golf club for no reason and then he cuts the same promo he cut last week on Matt Morgan. Except that he says he's not a hard man to find.

Apparently he is a hard man to find for Morgan, who doesn't find Steiner until Steiner comes to him and screams incoherently that he's not a hard man to find. Big backstage brawl. Steiner chokes with a broom and some cable, and Morgan chokes Steiner on (and with) a chair until he apologises. Big Coward Pump. Steiner's face meets a fridge.

Sting clearly watches the show as he goes to Mr. Anderson's sentimental pickup and smashes the bejesus out of the windows with his bat. He ends up mounting the front and unicorn-ing the bat in the windscreen.

Match 3: Gunner (c) vs. Christopher Daniels - for the Television Championship​

Surely they're not going to do what I think they'll do. Surely. Gunner gets far too much offence for my liking for someone who sucks. At least he's to an extent working a body part (even if that body part is the midsection). He teases the F-5 a few times. Daniels misses a BME and gets hit with the F-5 so Gunner retains. Clean. Why the fuck would you come back to this company. Get one big pop and you're back to jobbing to whatever stiff is there.

Top of the second hour, it's Sting time! He calls out Anderson and then denies to Anderson's face smashing the pick-up. Really my eyes are glazing over with this segment because Anderson is getting under with me. They're drawing this out and teasing and teasing and Anderson is never getting a one-on-one match. Anderson wants to do it tonight but out comes RVD. He's fine with whatever happens tonight as long as RVD gets his shot at Sacrfice. Hogan comes out and makes it a three-way so Anderson still doesn't get his title shot. It's Sting vs. Anderson vs. Bully Ray, so bring on the Immortal shenanigans. Why have so many main events recently been decided on the fly? Where's the structure?

Samoa Joe's got a brief little promo where he's going for the World Title. Yeah, right.

And then post-break we get another taste of Samoa Joe talking about how he was undefeated and Crimson is undefeated. And so begins the focus on Crimson never being pinned or submitted in TNA, an angle that drags over a year.

Match 4: Samoa Joe vs. Crimson​

Joe is the house on fire against the relative rookie, as commentary is talking a lot about undefeatedness. Crimson does a nice little exploder suplex, which is always impressive on a big man. It never really gets going though before Abyss comes down and attacks Crimson to get the match thrown out. Joe just walks away to let Little Red eat a Black Hole Slam.

Anderson is whining about not getting a one-on-one but he says he's not whining, he's going to get on with it.

Angle is in the back talking a lot lot about Karen and shit, in various contexts. He doesn't, though, say "this storyline is shit".

Mickie James promo for the first time since Lockdown! She puts over the fans like a true babyface. There's no actual content here, she's just here celebrating her win. It's kind of unsettling how there's no shenanigans in a Vince Russo segment.

Bully Ray is in the back talking to Abyss about winning the World Title. He doesn't say that Abyss should interfere, but come on, it's Abyss, he'll interpret it that way.

Match 5: Sting (c) vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Bully Ray - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Borash bothers to introduce Anderson when he already introduced himself. Bully lets Sting beat up Anderson and then beats up Sting himself. Then Sting attacks Bully while he's occupied with Anderson. We're getting all combinations, is what I'm saying. This is largely the same main event we've been seeing the past several weeks, and yeah this episode has been rough. AEW live is too fresh in my memory as a vision of what enjoyable wrestlng looks like. Stinger Splash accidentally bumps the ref, Bully has the pipe and wrecks Sting with it. "That was for Hogan" -not for you. AJ Styles makes the save and rolls the pipe to Sting who hits Bully in the head with it. Severely delayed pin because a second ref is needed, and Sting wins. But Anderson's got the pipe...

Bully gets what it is to be a heel, he says nothing is ever his fault and everyone is wrong. He even denies trying to kill AJ's career. Next week he threatens to hurt AJ and his family.

Fortune interviews! AJ is doing this for his kids, showing off that tattoo of his kids' dates. Kaz basically says Fortune are awesome. James Storm loves wrestling and TNA and AJ and all that. Roode also says Fortune are awesome. Daniels is doing what he loves (which is apparently losing to shitters). AJ says Fortune are here for the long run.

Scott Steiner buries basketball players saying no one's cared of them. Except badminton players. I wonder why there's never been an NIL badminton player in WWE, come to think of it.

The jarretts now, and Jeff thinks the whole mistress malarkey has gone too far. You and me both.

Velvet doesn't "need" Kurt Angle because she's hot, apparently. She doesn't want to be pissed off about Angelina any more, hopefully this means it's over.

Back to the jarretts and Jeff wants to know if anyone would have a grudge against Karen to show up next week. What if it's someone with a grudge against Jeff? What if....? See you next Impact!

 

[Sky]

Impact May 5, 2011 - Holding Pattern: The Episode​

Ughhhh I could not care less about this fucking Network thing and yet it's a major focus of the opening which means it'll be important this episode too. The main feud on TNA is Hogan and someone we can't see.

Open with Immortal all in the ring with Sting and RVD entering. Hogan wants to know who the Network is or else Sting gets the shit beaten out of him. Sting says that the Network is coming next week uggggggghhhhh. He doesn't even give away the gender. So Immortal start punching out a bunch of TNA producers and Fortune come out and make the save. Robert Roode grabs the mic and makes a big old babyface promo about not respecting Hogan anymore and being a man of the people. He then brings up Jay Lethal getting fired recently. And this is supposed to get sympathy on Fortune, even though TNA never once presented us with a reason to care about Jay Lethal after he dropped the X Division title. If it matters that he's gone, don't cut him! Oh yeah, and Robert Roode's going by Bobby now.

(As an aside, WWE happens to have done that same thing the same year when they had CM Punk bring up Kozlov and Davey Boy Jr. to John Laurinaitis after they both got fired. It really rings hollow when you've shown them to be surplus for months.)

As if we've not had enough stories I don't give a shit about, it's the jarretts! Oh, and Velvet Sky. They interrupt her after her shower so she comes out in a towel. Karen harasses her over being Angle's mistress. Velvet brings up when Karen got covered in horse shit and Jeff has to separate them to prevent a Naked vs. Clothed catfight.

The debut of Sangriento next week! Mexico's newest talent! Even though he's not from Mexico, he's not new, it's just Amazing Red in a mask running down his contract because the morons at TNA couldn't think of anything to do with Amazing Red.

Matt Hardy's talking about Beer Money and how he's a better tag team wrestler than either Storm or Roode. He's going to call up someone special to be on his side. Are they trying to tease Jeff's return? I mean, I know it's not that, he's not back until deep in the year, but they're winking at it.

Match 1: Suicide vs. Sangriento​

Two heatless masked men! We've got Sangriento doing all the impressive stuff and Suicide (I believe back to Kiyoshi aound this time?) getting the heat and playing the heel. Crowd largely doesn't care. Sangriento has some nice movez (we know that, he's Amazing Red). Suicide is about to do his finish but Sangriento converts it into a tijeras and finishes it with a springboard blind cutter! Nice.

Cut away from that as soon as we can to watch Hogan and Bischoff ranting about the Network. They briefly raise the issue of it being possibly Ric Flair but nah, he's dirtier than that.

Mexican America is having a big Cinco de Mayo, with their unofficial fifth member Giant Mexican Flag. Anarquia tells us why there's a Cinco de Mayo (because fuck the French, essentially). Then Sarita calls out the Spanish announce team... but they start to give abuse to Willie Urbina because he's ("a fucking") Puerto Rican and not Mexican. (I'd have loved if Rosita just walked away for the same reason.) See, this is why LAX worked and Mexican America doesn't. Hector shows the requisite Latino solidarity and MA resolve to beat him up too. Ink Inc. come out and cut a Murica promo, telling MA to go and get their green cards. Three US citizens and a Canadian citizen. And yet the faces are still a bit racist toward them. Why am I still watching this?

Match 2: Fortune (AJ Styles/Christopher Daniels) vs. Immortal (Bully Ray/Gunner)​

Oh yeah, that's why. Although I fully expect them to beat Daniels in seconds. Bully's being a coward and avoiding AJ. Babyfaces deal with Gunner until Bully takes a cheap shot on the outside. Heat segment is on Daniels oooof course. AJ makes the big comeback, even shrugging off an eye rake for the Pele, but Bully shakes the rope so he can't do the Phenomenal Forearm. Bully pulls out a chain and chases the ref, Tommy Dreamer comes out for the save. But then attacks AJ Styles?! What the hell? Match is off but I guess Bully and Dreamer are on the same side now? This is why Immortal didn't work, in my opinion. People turning heel putting blood feuds from a few months before into the same faction. It's nonsense.

Dreamer is going wild and smashing up shit.

Fortune are in the back discussing what just happened. They float the idea of it being lingering heat from the Fortune vs. EV2.0 feud. So clearly they're thinking this through more than Russo ever did.

Gunner says he's awesome or something, I couldn't hear him over myself typing the above lines, I don't care.

Bully's talking to Matt Hardy and admitting on camera that he's psychologically manipulating Tommy Dreamer, relying on him not watching the show.

Winter gives zombie Angelina her "medicine" and talks about their souls being bonded as if they're 13 year olds on DeviantArt who discovered Babby's First Occult 101.

Recap of Angle vs. the jarretts and the hunt for the mistress. Hey, at least it furthered the Madison/Tara split.

Out come the jarretts to call out Velvet! Karen basically calls Velvet a jobber slut again and accuses her of tying herself to Angle. Just like last week. Velvet acknowledges the elephant in the room that sleeping with top stars is more Karen's thing. Her promos are becoming more and more top-babyface and I'm fine with that. Karen drops the news that the main event tonight is a handicap match, Velvet vs. both Angelina and Winter, and brings Winter out to tell her to beat the shit out of Velvet, as if she needed an excuse. Kurt Angle shows up and it turns out the Network has spoken again! It's now Kurt/Velvet vs. Jeff/Angelina/Winter! Then Velvet threatens a catfight with Karen again. So yeah, another main event made halfway through the show. Can I get some structure here?

Bisch rants about the Network again before Murphy and Rob Terry offer to do goon stuff for him. So Bisch makes a Loser Leaves Immortal match. At least it solves the issue of those two both taking up roster spots.

Crimson's snooping about for Samoa Joe, who committed the horrific crime of being in the match with him when Abyss attacked him. Rather than Abyss himself. Logic.

Match 3: Murphy vs. Rob Terry - Loser Leaves Immortal​

Jobber entrance for Murphy which should tell you where this is going. I know I talk about these two being shit a lot but these two are shiiiiiit. At least Rob Terry is roided enough to be somewhat impressive. Terry does a sloppy powerslam and then pins, and we literally never see Murphy again. I get the feeling nobody will be eulogising him on TV like they did Lethal.

Bisch buries the match on camera and Hogan says he doesn't want Terry in Immortal either. Bisch guesses the Network rep is someone whom they'd least expect. Like Donald Trump. A Trump reference hits different these days and not in a good way.

Crimson (sledgehammer in hand) finally finds Joe and calls him out on leaving him for dead last week. Joe says that he didn't need help when he was undefeated. Thinly veiled threats follow.

Match 4: Mickie James (c) vs. Miss Tessmacher - for the Knockouts Championship​

When I tease~ You touch~ Except no, her theme doesn't have lyrics yet. She's still doing the secretary sex appeal act. There's a bit of limbwork on Mickie's bad shoulder but mostly it's just basic stuff for the first half. Tess does step up the hurting on the arm later but it doesn't last. Mickie gets her comeback spots, neckbreaker, jumping DDT, done.

Madison comes out demanding her rematch, but because Mickie had to put her hair on the line, Madison has to put something on the line too. It turns out that something is Tara's agreement with Madison. So she can't get fired for disagreeing with Madison anymore. Everyone likes that idea. Especially me.

It appears the X Division have unionised in response to the firing of Lethal and are heading toward Bisch's office.

Package about Sting/RVD, which I notice that they've not built up otherwise this show. Even the only time they appeared it was all about the Network. Which I'm so ready for it to be over. In fact, I've noticed a total lack of Mr. Anderson on this show. They really need that time to build up two mystery angles.

Kendrick, Amazing Red, and the Bucks are taking Bischoff to task about their division being benched and budget-cut. Bisch says "fuck you, you're too short", not even getting in character. None of those X Division wrestlers is employed by this time next year.

Another package about RVD and Sting, focusing on how they're training. These are good proper video packages and they basically show off Sting/RVD telling the story they wanted to tell, which is a babyface respect match. Shame it had to take a back seat to Whatever Hogan Is Doing huh?

Match 5: Kurt Angle/Velvet Sky vs. Jeff jarrett/Winter/Angelina Love​

The Borash intros will probably be longer than the match. Velvet does a monkey flip and Taz can't resist saying "a hot monkey". Angelina's no-selling until Velvet does an Edge-esque spear. Karen jarrett interferes to start the heat segment. Thankfully it's mostly buried in the ad break and soon after we return Angle gets control for some Angle/Jeff ring time. Angle gets an ankle lock, Karen grabs Jeff, but Angle manages to drag both of them into the ring. Distraction lets Winter bowl Velvet over. They do a double back body drop tease but Velvet converts it into a DDT for the win. Angle grabs a fuckin' mic and reveals the mistress will be shown off next week! Finally, something happening.

Hogan and Bischoff are in the back trying to look for some final clues about who the Network rep is, but find that "You're Next" has been sprayed on their car. Surely it's not Goldberg, Hogan says. No, it's the X Division, who have a nice joke about it as Kendrick does the water spit. Okay, that popped me. See you next Impact, for revelations!

 

[Chris]

I remember Kendrick in full DGAF mode and being hilarious during this time

 

[Brett]

Idc what anyone says, I LOVED this era. Now I wasn't raised on early Spike TV TNA era, I remember finding a website with full vods and it mightve been 2013 and I killed thru all of 2011-2013. Can't wait to check some of this thread out Sky !

 

[Chris]

Thwre was a window in 2012 around the summer or so where the show got very legitimately good for a short period, but so much so it even won the Observer best TV show award that year before going back to winning worst in 2013 lol

 

[Sky]

Impact May 12, 2011 - Dawn of an Old Era​

This is the Sacrifice go-home show, you know. Not like it's hyped much. "Nah, bro," says Russo, "you don't care about wrestling on the wrestling show! You care about the Network and Angle's mistress, bro!" which are the hype (allegedly) things set for this show.

You know who else only cares about the Network? Hulk Hogan, pacing outside with a lead pipe. Even Bisch thinks this is insanity. He suggests they think their way out of this rather than fight, because TNA shows need more talking between non-wrestlers.

Off to a great start n that front, as the jarretts make their entrance. Jeff wants a truce because clearly Karen would not hurt a fly and has never interfered in his matches ever. Karen also lies. She corrects herself from calling Jeff "Big Daddy", and says the restraining order against Angle was in his best interest. Out comes Angle, who has a different name for Jeff: "Mr. Douchebag". We were going to get the big reveal of Angle's mistress (business partner) but no, because the Network rep wanted to introduce her. So we're waiting for both reveals back to back. Cool, more talking!

Match 1: Madison Rayne/Tara vs. Mickie James/Miss Tessmacher​

That babyface team walked so Kiana James and Fallon Henley could... well, walk at a similar pace. Madison insults Tara for doing a good job, so Tara tags Madison in to get beaten up. Tess gets a surprise win over Madison after a victory roll from an electric chair position. This is all Tara's fault somehow.

Flair enters Hogan's office and Hogan accuses him of being the Network rep. Bisch plays peacekeeper. Why were these two on the same side in Immortal in the first place? They're better clashing. They have to kiss (not literally) and make up in the end.

A limo is arriving. I wonder who it could be?

Tara takes an interview about how ready she is to be free of Madison, in the style of incoherent teenage girl conversation. Madison overhears her and threatens to make things even worse for her.

Tommy Dreamer isn't interested in an interview because he's got personal time. He doesn't want to talk about why he attacked AJ Styles. Just a shame AJ Styles does. Dreamer thinks AJ is too young to understand and continues to refuse to explain. He says "you don't know" more than Marina Shafir did that one time.

Sting actually remembers the assignment and puts over how much of a challenge RVD will be. These two are trying to have a wrestling storyline while everything is falling apart around them.

"Beer Money are awesome" package leading into a reference to Matt Hardy's mystery partner. They openly suggest it could be Jeff. I mean, it's not, but it could be. You never know with this company.

Beer Money come out! Roode cuts to the chase and calls out Matt Hardy. Matt calls out Storm for being drunk, which is rich given that he's been simping for his addict brother for weeks. Storm grabs the mic and reveals what a mistake it was to be grooming Roode as the top babyface like they were at the time. It's Storm, it's so obviously Storm. He's got the people in the palm of his hand. Matt finally lets out that his partner isn't Jeff, but it's someone who knows Storm, then tries to steal Matt's catchphrase. The partner, as it turns out, is Chris Harris. Allegedly. Or someone who used to be Chris Harris. He looks strung out and wide.

Match 2: Sangriento vs. Suicide​

Same match as last week, huh? Sangriento's becoming more Sin Cara-like, and his equivalent of the trampoline spot is a forward roll off the ledge in front of the screen. This feels like a second chance at last match, as Sangriento gets to do more impressive stuff than before. He cracks out a tornillo and a Tornado DDT at one point. Suicide gets to get his heat but of course Sangriento is the star here. He even does an Amazing Red move, the Red Eye (diving Flatliner). The springboard cutter finishes it.

Out come Immortal to invade the segment, Flair boots Suicide in the cock and tosses him out. They don't care about the X Division, they want to see who the Network is. And they'll find out... after the break.

One break later, the jarretts have been added to the Immortal crew. Hogan wants the Network rep... he gets Mick Foley! A man we last saw punching Bubba the Love Sponge in the face! He is the man behind the Network interference, and he shoves Bischoff over because he does what he damn well wants. And he makes a big announcement: that he's rebranding TNA Impact to "Impact Wrestling". Thus begins the near-six-year process of abandoning the TNA name, before realising seven years after that that that was the name people cared about. (Yes, I did relish the opportunity to say "that" three times in a row.) It's all because Wrestling Matters, and Foley proves this by.... booking a new main event midway through the show! It's going to be a big old battle royal to determine the contender at Slammiversary!

(Wait a minute... battle royal on a go-home, to determine a contender on the next show after that? On a show that's now blue? Where have I seen that before?)

Oh yeah, Foley's also got to reveal who Angle's partner is. It's... a ghost from Jeff jarrett's past! Chyna is here! I didn't know I'd be hyped to see burnt-out 2011 Chyna, but it's happening!

Foley admits on camera to wanting Hogan to hit him so he could fire all of Immortal in one go. He also jokes that there's a weird sexual tension between him and (his legit friend) Chyna. Now there's a storyline that would have been fun as fuck back in '99.

Match 3: Abyss vs. Samoa Joe vs. Crimson​

Like the match that just got announced for Sacrifice, but with Samoa Joe in it. It's mostly three power guys doing power spots on each other, and it's pretty impressive when Crimson does it on Abyss admittedly. Abyss gives Joe a Black Hole Slam but Crimson spears him away and pins Joe. Joe, naturally, is very pleased by this, as evidenced by the way he approaches Crimson menacingly. Abyss gets to Crimson first though, so Joe just leaves him for dead. Black Hole Slam, Abyss is on top for now.

Bit of a recap of the Lockdown finish and RVD promos about being a babyface who refuses to win by shenanigans. I don't praise TNA's video packages around this time enough. I almost understand why they added a third hour of TV to show them off.

Match 4: AJ Styles vs. Anarquia vs. Bobby Roode vs. Bully Ray vs. Christopher Daniels vs. D'Angelo Dinero vs. Devon vs. Douglas Williams vs. Eric Young vs. Hernandez vs. James Storm vs. Jeff jarrett vs. Jesse Neal vs. Kazarian vs. Kurt Angle vs. Magnus vs. Matt Hardy vs. Matt Morgan vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Orlando Jordan vs. Robbie E vs. Scott Steiner vs. Shannon Moore vs. Tommy Dreamer - World Heavyweight Championship Contender's Battle Royal​

Just so you know whom to look out for, the ones who get a televised entrance are Fortune, the four Immortal members, Anderson, and Angle. Orlando Jordan grinds on Matt Morgan before getting tossed. Morgan does most of the work tossing the spot-fillers early, in fact. Eric Young does some shenanigans and makes the fans care about him more than anything else early. Hernandez deals with both of Ink, Inc. and Morgan does more tossing of no-hopers. EY eliminates Gunner, thinks he's won the TV Title and Gunner chases him away. Kazarian appears to injure his knee. Matt Hardy drags Roode out from the outside and Roode is heelishly indignant.

Halfway through the match Mick Foley joins commentary. Bully and Dreamer are teaming up a bit. Matt Morgan and Scott Steiner brawl to the back after they've both been tossed. This match has stretched over multiple ad breaks but conveniently misses none of the eliminations during those breaks. Dreamer manages to toss AJ, Bully gives a high-five but tosses him too! Guess they're not on the same side after all! Anderson and Bully both go through the ropes to give Angle and jarrett some special time. Karen stops Angle from eliminating Jeff. Jeff eliminates Angle and thinks he's won... Chyna comes in and eliminates Jeff! Then she threatens to chokeslam Karen before Jeff saves her, chasing both away.

Okay, down to Anderson/Bully now. Kenton Bomb but Bully gets his knees up. Anderson is in danger on the apron but pulls Bully out and over! Anderson is Number 1 contender, and we finally get the one on one! At Slammiversary, sure, but at least that's concluding. Anderson gets the mic and compares himself to the Navy SEALs and Sting to Bin Laden, which was very recent when this was taped. So at Slammiversary, what I'm gathering is that the title shot story will be compromised to a permanent end.

Sting talks about facing Anderson, RVD reminds him whose match is first, and Anderson says he doesn't care whom he's facing. He just wants his damn title shot! See you at a show where he's not getting his title shot!

Next up: Sacrifice 2011

Sting (c) vs. Rob Van Dam - for the World Heavyweight Championship
Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Bobby Roode) (c) vs. Immortal (Matt Hardy/Chris Harris) - for the World Tag Team Championship
Mickie James (c) vs. Madison Rayne - Title vs. Tara's Contract Match for the Knockouts Championship
Kazarian (c) vs. Max Buck - for the X Division Championship
Kurt Angle/Chyna vs. Jeff jarrett/Karen jarrett
AJ Styles vs. Tommy Dreamer - No Disqualification Match
Abyss vs. Crimson
Mexican America (Hernandez/Anarquia) vs. Ink, Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal)
Brian Kendrick vs. Robbie E​

 

[Chris]

I skim first before reading the reviews and when I saw the Suicide match again I thought you watched the same show