Sky "enjoys" the TNA Immortal Era

[Sky]

Impact February 17, 2011 - The High-ly Anticipated Rematch​

Yeah, this thing is legit back. No false dawns here. Opening package has a reminder of that jarrett/Angle storyline (god I hate it) and Hardy being hurt but cocky. Tonight RVD finally gets his return title shot!

Big all-Immortal promo to kick us off! Bischoff gives Jeff Hardy his own entrance. He then insists the members of Immortal who lost are still good too. Including implying that Gunner and Murphy are better athletes than anyone. Nah. Business soon turns to Ric Flair (but not before simping for his attorney), and Bisch doubts where he stands. Benefits of a geriatric man who needs assistance coming into the ring: more SoCal Val appearances. Old man rambles, takes off his jacket, and calls himself GOD. And basically he'll be back later. No decision yet. What was the point of that segment?

The jarretts are getting couple's massages. Jeff seems to think Karen is the sexiest woman in the world. I do not want to think about Jeff jarrett in the bedroom. We get a clip from last Sunday where Hernandez hates white people. AJ Styles and Matt Hardy are brawling in the back, get backed up by Fortune/Immortal respectively, and get broken up by security. Hernandez links up with Sarita and Rosita, and Mexican America is starting to take shape. Not one of these people is Mexican.

Match 1: Hernandez vs. Douglas Williams​

Hernandez attacks Williams mid-entrance. Sarita (who's out here taunting everyone in the vicinity along with Rosita) gets a chant, even though she's not a babyface or even a competitor. Velvet Sky shows up to brawl with Sarita, Rosita starts choking her, and Angelina Love makes the save. While this is all going on, an entire match starts and finishes in the background. Border Toss ends it in what is effectively a Hernandez squash.

Bischoff making a call to MYSTERY PERSON at the Network. He isn't happy with RVD getting a title shot.

Pope segment time! There's some Polynesian-looking faces on the ring posts and a roast beast on a table. Pope's money rain rating: very good. What lies before us is, apparently, a Sloppy Joe. Mid-promo, Jesus texts Pope to say he believes in him. Pope offers the hog to everyone for 10 dollars a pop, so noted food lover Samoa Joe shows up. Okato helps Joe beat up Pope, and Muscle Buster through a table. This is just a humiliation for one of the highlights of 2010. What happened?

Last Sunday, Kaz was a fighting champion, and he thinks Fortune are awesome.

Robbie E's in the ring with Cookie, and says Sunday didn't count, and he wants a rematch. Wonder why "Jersey's in the house, bitches" didn't catch on as a catchphrase? Kaz gets a good luck kiss from TRACI BROOKS! It's been a while since we saw her, huh? He takes a shot at how much foundation Cookie is wearing. "Here's the Situation, okay?" -Kaz watches Jersey Shore, apparently, by the power of Impact being taped. Cookie sent to the back, and match on.

Match 2: Kazarian (c) vs. Robbie E - for the X Division Championship​

Robbie actually does well on his own, getting a near fall off what appears to be a Saxtonation. Maybe Cookie was holding him back? Kaz does take control though, as is the natural order of things. Cookie shows up again with a large handbag and clocks Kaz with it for the DQ. Traci Brooks runs out to the ring and engages catfight mode with Cookie! Mixed tag feud seems to be on the horizon.

Flair reunites with Fortune, and he's acting like they're still on the same side. They chug on vodka.

Match 3: Matt Hardy vs. AJ Styles​

AJ's got those Rey Mysterio trousers going on. He hits a Tope con Hilo early. Matt manages to punch AJ off the ring apron, and takes control. Soon enough out comes Flair, in the mid of a cravate rest hold. AJ's Styles Clash gets countered. Flair calls for AJ to go to the top rope... then pushes him off! Flair isn't with Fortune at all! Guess he'll be chummy with anyone if it gets him alcohol. Twist of Hate wins it, and Matt and Flair beat AJ down until Fortune makes the save.

Mr. Anderson is ready to kick someone's ass. Meanwhile, the jarretts are enjoying strawberries by the pool.

Out comes Mr. Anderson, who calls out Bisch. Anderson wants the rematch, not RVD. "Triple threat" chants. The Impact Zone tourists are better bookers than Russo, who knew? It's out of Bisch's control, because the Network is interfering now! What the hell was all that talk about power and control for the past few months, then? Bisch wants Anderson to be more PG... needless shot at WWE! Anderson is defending the rights of the word "asshole". Bisch compromises by making Anderson the special referee for the main event tonight! Crowd BOOS this, for some reason. Anderson shakes on it, then gives Bisch the Mic Checkl Anderson's becoming more Steve Austin-like by the minute.

Velvet Sky wants Winter not interfering and sabotaging the BPs' match. Winter has scissors. She's also super yandere for Angelina. Madison is acting like she won legit, but the business with Mickie is far from over. Mickie is frustrated, and she wants the title still. AJ is in the back suggesting a singles match with Flair. What could possibly go right there?

Match 4: The Beautiful People (Angelina Love/Velvet Sky) vs. Sarita/Rosita​

Sarita gives the noogie of doom to Rosita, who's clearly not happy. Match starts on the outside. Velvet and Sarita's chemistry is improving. "Really just drilling Sarita from behind" -Taz doesn't know phrasing. He also doesn't know how Sarita's low blow hurts Velvet. Velvet hits a headscissors/DDT on both heels. Structure rapidly breaks down. Velvet and Sarita collaborate to make the worst headscissors takedown I've ever seen outside of AAA old man matches. Rosita trips Velvet and Sarita puts the feet on the ropes for the pin. Velvet wants another match, but Sarita says she'll have to put her career on the line! So random roster members can just make career threatening matches now?

The jarretts are still being lovey dovey and talking about their dinner. Angle's apparently en route to the same location. Madison Rayne has issued an open challenge to any woman in the world for next week. Scott Steiner apparently has a posedown with Rob Terry next week. Jeff Hardy cuts a brooding promo about finishing RVD off. Back to the jarretts, and apparently the dinner was lame. Karen is an absolute Karen about the wine. Angle shows up and chases them off. RVD thinks the title is secondary to beating up Hardy.

We get Tenay and Taz talking a bit about the Bully/Devon match. Spike won't let them rebroadcast the footage of Bully beating up the kids. Bully shows up to... well, bully the commentators. He only regrets that he didn't have a second table to cripple the other one. Taz stands up to him, so he smacks Tenay. Not just Bully Ray, but Coward Ray.

Match 5: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Rob Van Dam - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Anderson is now from "Title Town, USA". Hardy comes out of an egg, like his hero, the Gobbledy Gooker Lady Gaga. "RVD" chant dueling with one guy chanting "sucks". RVD crotches Hardy on the ropes and kicks him off. Hardy doesn't not land on his face. The nasty outside leg drop still makes me cringe. There's an extended bleep and I have no idea what it could be for. Hardy seems to be focusing on messing up RVD's ribs and midsection. So, what rest hold would you go for? A rear waistlock, right? Some sort of bodyscissors? Not if you're Hardy, he slaps on a headlock! Whisper in the Wind misses and RVD takes control. Maybe if he'd just used the right rest hold.

RVD goes to the top but Hardy shoves him off and RVD totally eats shit on the guardrail. Swanton Bomb... RVD kicks out! RVD reclaims control, Five Star... Hardy gets a rope break! Hardy collides with Anderson, and uses the ref's distraction to get a cheeky kick to RVD's nuts. Twist of Hate ends it. And now... Mic Check for Hardy! RVD complains about the nut shot so... Mic Check for RVD! Definitely not beating the Stone Cold allegations. See you next Impact!