Sky "enjoys" the TNA Immortal Era

[Sky]

Impact November 25, 2010 - Complete Turkey​

It's interesting to notice that Impact, thanks to its presence on Thursdays, always occurred on Thanksgiving every year. The Thanksgiving episodes happened to be some of the lowest-rated Impacts of the year, which is not a coincidence. So maybe since they know the rating will tank, they'll put on TV what they think doesn't draw anyway (that's to say, good wrestling and people not named Hulk Hogan). Recap focuses on the events of last week, naturally, but it really drives home how Doug Williams' face turn was built better than Matt Morgan's (as in, it was built at all), and he's the better wrestler, yet he still toils in the midcard.

Episode title is "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?", and a shitty graphic of a turkey takes us to Immortal's Thanksgiving dinner (question answered almost immediately, then). Abyss gets everyone to shut up so Bischoff can make a toast. He's smilier, muggier, and dare I say, fuckier than ever before. He gives his thanks, but then expresses his regrets. And to fix these regrets, he's apparently invited Dixie Carter. No one is happy with this, especially not me.

The opening segment is... another long-winded promo, it seems, by Matt Morgan. He tells us a few things: the people he's beaten in the last weeks, the fact that he doesn't blame Jackson James for his "mistake", and most of all, that he is Going To Win The Upcoming Match. He calls Immortal "Immortals". "I need a man" -Morgan, repeatedly. What he's trying to say is he wants a referee who wants to call the match fair. Someone like him. Or Doug Williams, who comes out to apply for referee. He's had a horrible time as a member of Fortune - he demonstrates this by shit-talking his former comrades, and insinuating that AJ Styles is a virgin. Also, Robert Roode bought his suit at Williams' own garage sale. Morgan says "I'll let you know", and maybe this promo can be wrapped up, when...

Flair and the remaining four (FINALLY) members of Fortune come out. He seems to want to exude an air of confidence, but the fact that he throws off his jacket and says Doug made a mistake says otherwise. Makes him look like a dumped boyfriend. According to Kaz, Morgan and Williams are the "Green Print" (fair) and the "Queen of England" (gay jokes, original). The upshot of all of this? We're getting an 8-man elimination match, where "Matty Matty Chicken Patty"'s team will lose (yes, that is another thing Kaz called Morgan. I think I'm starting to see why he wasn't pushed).

Recap of EV2.0's fracturing. Back to the Immortal dinner, where everyone's arguing about why the fuck they're having an 8-man match. Flair gets iced again (is this going to be a running thing?). Bischoff lets everyone know that Dixie is on their way. Once again, no one is happy with this.

Match 1: Tommy Dreamer vs. Rhino - Street Fight​

"The final street fight" is what they called this. Aw. I like that stipulation. Dreamer still uses the EV2.0 tron despite that group now being just him and Stevie Richards. They sell Dreamer's wrist being a problem, and what Dreamer does is attack Rhino's wrist to even them up. Oh hey, they got out all the street detritus from Robbie E vs. Jay Lethal again! Trash can shots to the head. Ew. Dreamer's busted open. Cookie sheet shots to the head. More ew. Rhino attempts a Gore through a table, but is interrupted by another shot to the head and a rollup by Dreamer. Inside the ring. Street fights don't matter anymore. None of it matters if they end INSIDE THE RING by ROLLUP. On reflection I'd be fine with this being the last street fight.

Dreamer tries to talk to Rhino nice, like a fucking idiot, and gets bodied and tossed through a table for his troubles. RVD's out for the save, as well as to announce his upcoming match with the War Machine at Final Resolution. "Let's call this a First Blood match, hardcore style" -RVD, as if any First Blood match ever has used pure wrestling rules.

Meanwhile, Morgan and Williams are canvassing for tag team partners and stop to ask Samoa Joe about it. Joe goes "I work alone" like a fucking moron, to which Williams responds by calling him a madman. This somehow is what convinces Joe to join the team. How does that work? You go up to a big Samoan, he rejects your advances, you insult his mental faculties, and then he responds to the effect of:



Velvet and Angelina are bitching out a caterer (you know, like faces do!) when Flair invites them to the Immortal party. Mickie James has apparently already accepted. TBP ignore Mickie (you know!! Like faces do!!). Madison Rayne, Tara, and eventually Sarita show up for the customary all-Knockouts brawl. You think it's going to be strictly formula until a seventh face shows up. Yes, it's Winter, and she fucking howls at anyone trying to hurt Angelina. She really has developed that "weird kid from school" vibe, just, you know, with a sense of personal hygeine.

Back to the Immortal party, and Jeff Hardy shows up. "We got a hooker after all" -Genuine Smile alert from me. Hardy insists on making another cryptic emo speech about how he, who is larger than life, will eat. A recap of the cinematic empty arena match from last week's ReAction is shown, and after that MCMG talk about how good it was. They're going to be facing the Bucks again at Final Resolution, this time in Full Metal Mayhem. Exciting stuff. Good bit of chaos. Madison Rayne shows up mid-interview looking to get a piece of Sarita. That's a relatable feeling.

Morgan and Williams are on the hunt for a fourth member, and the Pope is on their list. They give the standard "we don't like you and you don't like us" spiel. This is the sort of thing, in my opinion, that the faces should be doing. Aligning themselves against Immortal and not squabbling. Pope doesn't trust like that, but eventually accepts after being reminded that he's one person against like, ten, most of them with creative control.

Madison Rayne shows up, dragging a referee down to the ring, to call out Sarita. She calls Xplosion the "JV team". "I know you're only fluent in El Spaniard" -Madison, not even knowing the right name for Sarita's fake national language. They're clearly not dressed to fight, but here we go...

Match 2: Madison Rayne vs. Sarita​

Tenay notes the hot tempers involved, to which Taz responds "there's a lot of hotness going on here". "That'll definitely welt up an areola" -Taz, soon after. Madison, being in street clothes, does even less actual wrestling than usual, being mostly limited to catfighting and screaming. Her primary offense (as much as any of it can be called offense) is ring rope-assisted. Meanwhile, Sarita pulls off a series of cool-looking unorthodox pins, including an Oklahoma roll and a wheelbarrow victory roll. The wrong woman is champion here. Madison does some sort of "hold" that I don't recognise, and just seems to be asking for Sarita to roll her up again.

Madison finally gets a legal hit in when Sarita misses a crossbody to the outside, but it doesn't stop her getting rolled up one more time for the win.

We now return to the Immortal dinner, where jarrett promises to show everyone a DVD. One commercial break later, they're talking about what they're thankful for. We also find out that Eric Young is waitering for them - that's odd, but a cool appearance. Flair is thankful for "this fountain of youth" - is he talking about his penis? jarrett is thankful that Samoa Joe wasn't invited as he'd eat all the food. He then shows us his DVD - it's a footage of him at a dojo teaching an MMA class, which is an excuse for him to beat up and tap out some children. I like this jarrett MMA thing - I don't know why. Thankfully TNA uploaded an extended version to YouTube, though it misses the inspirational music in the background.



Hogan is thankful for Dixie Carter, and he's going to "give his thanks" later. That was unnecessarily threatening. Meanwhile, Jesse Neal is burying jarrett's MMA "prowess" - guess he's facing him next.

Match 3: Jeff jarrett vs. Jesse Neal - Double-J Double-M-A Submission Match​

Even with the stupid hair, Neal looks way more legit than jarrett ever will. "Hulkey Is Immortal" sign in the crowd - I don't think I've ever heard him called "Hulkey". Much like all worked matches pretending to be legit (see: Mr. T vs. Roddy Piper), this fucking sucks. Some really pathetic-looking ground-and-pound from jarrett. Brian Hebner has to repeatedly drag jarrett off his opponent for rope breaks. A mistimed spear by Neal bumps the referee, because OF FUCKING COURSE - I make that the fourth show in a row with a ref bump. Guitar shot to the head kills Jesse Neal, and when the referee wakes up what he sees is jarrett having knocked him out "with a rear naked choke". Shannon Moore scares jarrett off, which is the first time I've seen him treated as an actual threat to a heavyweight.

Brother Ray's here to give us a holiday treat, and he certainly delivers by showing up in an NJPW jacket. He doesn't get that hurting a face makes you a heel. "If it wasn't for him, I could have retired a World Tag Team Champion" -if it wasn't for him, you couldn't compete in any tag team match, since that requires two people. We get a compilation of the best moments of Devon, which is just him taking a bunch of bumps, following a compilation of himself which obviously reflects much better. Devon's apparently "a little angry", and we'll find out first hand when he shows up in the Impact Zone next week. We get Ray's new theme, too, which is very like Sabu's ECW theme (and doesn't have the guitar flourishes we'll hear later). Nice little segment.

Dixie Carter has arrived, and the Immortal dinner's just gotten wind of this. Bischoff is a smiling fucking mug as always, whilst his comrades are apprehensive. This exchange occurs:

Bischoff: "Could we please hide all the liquor?"
jarrett: "What is she, our mother?"
Bischoff: "No, but have you ever seen her drink?"

Dixie as an alcoholic would explain a lot actually. Would give a lot of her business and PR decisions some context. It's not hard, for example, to imagine her "my way or the highway" speech to the roster pre-Hogan as a drunken rant. Hogan once again implies he's going to assault her.

Match 4: Fortune (AJ Styles/Robert Roode/James Storm/Kazarian) vs. Matt Morgan/Samoa Joe/D'Angelo Dinero/Douglas Williams - Elimination Tag Team Match​

I suddenly realise that this is another TNA attempt to copy WWE, by providing what is essentially a Survivor Series match on Thanksgiving. But, on to the match. First of all, you'll be delighted to hear that the tradition of dorky white kids in the front row getting Pope's sunglasses has returned!

Matt Morgan is, surprisingly, over as a face. I guess the Impact Zone is a place where the laws of physics don't exist. By contrast, a year of shitty stop-start booking has done its job of killing Pope's heat. James Storm puts on a hat before going for a corner shot at Pope, though he seems just to crotch himself. He's then rolled up in short order. As the remainder of Fortune bullies Pope, commentary talks at length about referee Jackson James. Wonder if he's going to be important to storylines in future? Morgan tags in but everyone refuses to approach him.

After a sequence by Samoa Joe that gets the crowd excited again, Kazarian falls to Doug's Chaos Theory suplex. Way to make Fortune look strong. Styles holds Jackson James back, and I fear another ref bump. There's a bit of disagreement between Pope and Joe on the apron, and it soon comes to blows as they brawl to the back... well, that's one way to even the odds. And, as is the time-honoured tradition, the heels bring the face team down to the title challenger at the next PPV after Williams is pinned by Roode. Morgan enters and is beaten up 2-on-1, but LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE ARE OUT OF TIME and we go to ReAction. So the Dixie Carter segment that you'd built to the entire show is bumped to ReAction too. Quality programme planning, right there.

Over on the sad, strange little third hour, Morgan's getting murdered by AJ's signature moves until he avoids a 450 splash. He does eventually turn it around, looking like he's about to set up the Carbon Footprint until Hardy shows up and low blows Morgan, followed by a Twist of Hate on the referee. Nothing ends decisively in TNA anymore...

Finally, it's the Dixie segment! Dixie is coming to dinner, and Hogan insinuates there's still a role for her under Immortal - as a paperclip stocker. But there's bad news on the horizon - Hogan's had an injunction against him to keep him out of TNA. Seems misleading someone on the contents of a contract is as bullshit as we all thought, huh? "She brought a judge?!" -Bischoff, unaware of how the law works. Well... guess Dixie's back in control. Hopefully this means more matches, more excitement, and less bullshit. Probably not, though. See you next Impact!

 

[Chris]

"Over on the sad, strange little third hour"

Please do not disrespect ReACTION

 

[Sky]

Impact December 2, 2010 - Who Needs Hulkamania? (sort of)​

Oh hey, it's the go-home show for Final Resolution, and it's on earlier than I was expecting. You'll recall that Hogan is now legally banned from appearing on Impact - or at least you will if you watch the recap that focuses pretty much exclusively on that. "I've done all my talking for tonight" -Dixie. Thank fuck. Episode title is "Who's Wearing the Stripes?" which reminds me that, oh yeah, they still haven't named who the referee for Hardy vs. Morgan 2 will be. Impact opens with... a match, apparently! One that's already happening! This is, in a lot of ways, a good start.

Match 1: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode/James Storm) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal)​

This right here is a solid tag team division core, and they're all in a match together! Before I can even get my bearings, Shannon Moore's doing a springboard moonsault to the outside like the B+ flyer he is. Ric Flair is on commentary, with Styles and Kaz behind him looking very much like Mafia goons on Casual Friday. Taz and Tenay are allowed to call Flair "Naitch". Jeremy Buck does a slingshot X-Factor. Does anyone else do that? It looks nice. Shame he then tries to backflip on to MCMG and completely misses, setting him up for a really clean enzuigiri/ring apron flatliner. How dangerous must that be? How hard is it not to hit your tag partner in that?

Guns introduce a ladder, which I think is supposed to be a preview of the Full Metal Mayhem match but is mostly an excuse to do their usual spots on to metal. Shelley also gets a chair tossed right at his face. No DQ, it seems, from Jackson James (there he is again!). Flair insists that Hogan and Bischoff will be at Final Resolution. Presumably he also insists that he's not just doing this to pay off his ex-wife. Taz outright admits that Beer Money and Ink Inc. are afterthoughts here, but that doesn't work out as they're the only ones left in the match after MCMG and Gen.Me wipe each other out. The rest is standard tag team action where Storm and Roode are arguing with the referee about a two-count which causes the latter to get rolled up.

After the match, Fortune reconvene in the ring and Roode basically tells Jackson James he's been a pain for Immortal recently. I'd say he's more of a blessing, as he screwed up to keep Jeff Hardy champion. Morgan shows up to say he'll "choke the life" out of Ric Flair unless they drop the referee. Big "do it" chants for a threat of murder. Surprisingly, Fortune acquiesce, and Morgan makes more threats to protect the referee that screwed him out of a championship. Flair goes wild and abuses his jacket, but only after Morgan is gone. At this stage of his career, he really is all talk.

Mickie's taking an interview about singing her own theme music when up show Eric Young (cowboy hatted up) and Orlando Jordan (not). OJ's given his tag partner a new outfit for tonight. I dread to think what it is. What EY thinks country music needs is... MORE COWBELL!



That's one dated reference... Anyway, Mickie James is here to sing her theme, and she's a very... okay singer. That's the nicest thing I can say. EY does indeed show up with his cowbell and his new outfit. I expected assless chaps, but somehow what we got - literally regular trousers but with the crotch and rear torn out - is even WORSE. Overall... yeah, I've said enough. It's a music performance in wrestling, and the crowd could not give less of a fuck. Tara shows up, as expected, and she and Mickie James catfight. How is the hottest feud in the Knockouts division not even adjacent to the title anymore (Madison's giving much less of a damn about Tara)?

Jackson James, after everything that's happened, still wants to referee Morgan's match at Final Resolution, and Morgan essentially says "nah, you don't want to do that, but I'll get back to you". Ric Flair promos about Morgan - and says he'll name a referee tonight if Morgan doesn't - whilst, all the while, the camera seems most interested in his hand. Goldfish memory video package about Doug Williams' face turn, followed by Doug promoing on Kazarian. He has a million dollar face but a 10-cent brain - part of me is annoyed that the Brit didn't use British money in his analogy.

Match 2: Douglas Williams vs. Kazarian​

Doug as a face is still weird, sorry. Especially when commentary go into detail about how he calls himself "wrestling royalty". Like, you know, the arrogant heel Doug we know would do. Taz wastes time by insinuating Tenay's gay. They want us to follow TNA on Facebook - I miss when they really wanted us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. A lot of this is heat sections involving illegal chokes by Kaz. When the wrestling happens, it's good wrestling, but it feels very spotty as to when that wrestling happens. Kaz literally beats the snot out of Doug. Fade to Black teased, but it's a good thing that it isn't actually used as Doug's head was far too low. Chaos Theory finishes it, without a beatdown afterward this time. Feels... refreshing.

Mickie James is out looking for Tara (again, this is your main women's feud, it should be for the belt). Morgan wants help from Doug for his match Sunday and-- oh, there is the post-match attack. Styles and Beer Money come and fuck up those two guys until security says they can't, but Doug stays strong and challenges AJ Styles! That would be a nice, technical match for Final Resolution, and the TV title would be a nice belt for Doug. Tenay and Taz seem to agree.

Brother Devon time! He still comes out to the Team 3D theme, because the Immortal era is the era of Heels With Identities and Faces Without. He repeatedly tells Brother Ray to come into the ring and stop being a coward, to which Brother Ray spends about a minute and a half not coming into the ring and being a coward (in a yellow jacket, no less). Brother Ray's a bully, apparently (yes, go on...) and without Devon there would be no Team 3D (because it's a TEAM). Ray, however, does insult Taz. Funny to think how in two years, this will all be forgotten and they'll all be in a power stable together. "Yes, but Devon isn't" -Taz. Devon reiterates that he's the workhorse of the team (of course! He got the tables!). "He's a chicken" chants. Ray uses SoCal Val as a human shield. That's a heel move!

Pope and Joe are in the back having a "team" talk, where Joe seems entirely fine and receptive to the idea of bickering and handing their opponents the match. "I think you're nothing but a pimple on Pope's backside" -ew.

Match 3: Madison Rayne vs. Sarita vs. Angelina Love​

This is non-title. Sarita has pinned the champion recently and no one thinks she should be in line for the title. Meanwhile, Mickie James has a title shot that no one is even talking about because she's fighting with Tara. Speaking of, Mickie attacks Tara during the bike entrance. Madison uses the distraction to blast Sarita with her belt. After a minute or two of rudimentary Madison/Angelina action, Madison gets another belt shot, but Sarita goes back in, shoves away the champ and pins Angelina. So many Knockouts contenders, no title matches.

Ric Flair's in the back, talking to someone, who will apparently get to talk about a contract after they do something for him. I hope this is Rhino and - knowing Ric Flair - not a new Knockout. Angelina is commisserating with herself over how she lost (to a belt shot, it wasn't exactly clean or uneven or anything) before Winter shows up and tells her that "we" will never lose again. We're actually getting progression on this Winter storyline, huh?

Match 4: Matt Morgan vs. Rhino​

This was Ric Flair's hand-picked opponent for Morgan, which makes sense and gives us a nice little storyline intersection. Styles/Williams is official, which pleases me. Mr. Concussion Protocol's head is busted open early. I get that this is meant to build to the First Blood match, but I like the incongruity there. This is a typical face Morgan match: dominate early, get screwed by an illegal move, then do your spots. Except no it isn't, because Rhino interrupts his finisher sequence with a belly-to-belly. Except it is, because he dodges the Gore and hits the Carbon Footprint for the... wait, no, it isn't, because Fortune show up to beat him up. Very slow count because Fortune were late for their cue.

The beatdown continues until RVD shows up to take Rhino out of the equation. Hardy then shows up with a steel chair, and looks fixing to give Morgan a concussion like he did Anderson... before Anderson's music hits! He brandishes a bit of pipe and clears everyone off. After the break we get a promo where he thanks Morgan for caring. Unlike, seemingly, every other face who could have stepped up. He doesn't remember the last month - "that's a shoot" (cringe). Of course, this being Anderson, he brushes off his serious head injury to look cool, and then offers to be the referee. He'll call the match ""straight down the middle"" (big air quotes from me) and tells Jeff specifically that the bigger man will win. Biased face referee? That's a novelty!

Mickie and Tara are STILL fighting in the back. Mickie's got her singing dress on, but has put on a shirt to avoid wardrobe malfunction (after it seemed like she was about to have one in the music segment).

The next segment... is a Fist Pump Showdown. Jersey rules. Jesus fucking Christ, I'm tired of boring Robbie E segments. Jay Lethal visibly hates the idea of this segment. "He's dressed like a farmer" -Taz. There's a shark cage where Cookie will be suspended above the ring to avoid interference - oh, she'll find a way to interfere. Just like every "heel's assistant is in a predicament and theoretically can't cheat" match ever. The format here is each participant informing the other how he is Going To Win The Upcoming Match, then doing a shitty fist pump. Lethal's fist pump, however, takes the form of beating down Robbie. All the way to the back, where Cookie somehow makes an enemy of Christy Hemme. Robbie comes out on top in the end, smashing his opponent with a mesh door. Next!

Team talk number 2 for the main event is Jeff jarrett and Abyss. At least they're on the same page, unlike their face opponents. Have I mentioned that the faces are dumbasses for squabbling among themselves rather than uniting against Immortal? Extended preview of Final Resolution before the main event, and this card is looking surprisingly stacked.

Match 5: Immortal (Abyss/Jeff jarrett) vs. D'Angelo Dinero/Samoa Joe​

"Ladies and gentlemen-eh" -JB. We don't get a shot of Pope giving away his sunglasses because it's interrupted by a recap of last week. I like the "delusional MMA guy" gimmick because it means jarrett doesn't have to pretend his style is effective or memorable. Plus, his faux-MMA looks a lot cleaner than the faux-wrestling he's done his entire career. Pope tags Joe on the shoulder - as signs of disrespect go, that's pretty mild. Joe points out the stupidity of not holding on to jarrett and allowing him to tag in Abyss. Pope then tags himself in because he wants to face Abyss, which turns a highly effective flurry by Joe into both of them being clotheslined to the mat. Once again... faces are idiots.

jarrett uses an acceptable armbar, and later yet another pathetic rear naked choke. Once again, the main event bleeds into ReAction. I'll be so glad when this piece of shit third hour is cancelled, these things are so annoying to find. After Joe and Pope start to rally against Abyss, jarrett comes in and uses an ankle lock. While, it should be noted, Abyss is the legal man. Even if Pope did tap, it wouldn't mean anything. Weird spot finishes it - jarrett fails to successfully use the guitar on Joe, Joe picks up the pieces, is seen by the referee with the pieces, and gets DQ'd. It's like the Eddie Guerrero spot, only shit.

Joe's about to give the referee a Muscle Buster but he's stopped by jarrett (Immortal respects referees now, huh? Maybe because them getting bumped helps them win constantly). Abyss fucks Pope up with the casket, and they're about to toss Joe into the casket... until Kurt Angle turns out to be inside. What the fuck is this?? Why did it only go on ReAction? That fist pump thing and music performance totally needed the time.Jeff Hardy finishes us off with one last cryptic promo before we enter ReAction's usual format. See you at the PPV!

Next up: Final Resolution

Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Matt Morgan - No Disqualification Match for the World Heavyweight Championship (Special Guest Referee: Mr. Anderson)
Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) (c) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) - Full Metal Mayhem Match for the World Tag Team Championship
AJ Styles (c) vs. Douglas Williams - for the Television Championship
Robbie E (c) vs. Jay Lethal - for the X Division Championship
Abyss vs. D'Angelo Dinero - Casket Match
Jeff jarrett vs. Samoa Joe - Submission Match
Rob Van Dam vs. Rhino - First Blood Match
Mickie James vs. Tara - Falls Count Anywhere
Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode/James Storm) vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) - World Tag Team Championship Number 1 Contender's Match​

 

[Sky]

Final Resolution 2010 - In Which Nothing Is Finally Resolved​

"Well, if I could see the old Jeff Hardy in the rear view, I'd probably say, fuck off." That quote is how this PPV starts, and proves to me that the greatest element of comedy is the unexpected. The opening video montage is just like Turning Point's: a Jeff Hardy diatribe turned into a recap of the actual build. We don't get a logo view, but instead go straight into the opening Impact Zone pyro. "All I want for Christmas is Mickie James" sign. Actually, we didn't see all of the sign: it reads "All I want for Christmas is Mickie James to get her shot against Madison Rayne, and win it so the feud with Tara can have stakes, maybe". Straight into the first match we go!

Match 1: Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode/James Storm) vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) - World Tag Team Championship Number 1 Contender's Match​

A recap reminds us of that one four-way match that was effectively two programs mashed together. The match I really want to see is James Storm's beer cart vs. the Mexicools' lawnmower in a "battle of the weird entrance vehicles" match. Beer Money spend a while burdening SoCal Val with their discarded gear. Apparently this PPV was late to broadcast. We get a lot of standard Ink Inc. spots early on, as well as a miscommunication between Beer Money. Shannon Moore repeatedly teases a nut stomp, but instead goes for a leg drop. Why not use that "definitely not a nut shot" double leg drop that Jeff Hardy does? Copy that from him too? He then gets Roode to elbow drop Storm.

The only way Beer Money can take back control is with a mohawk pull and constant hackneyed referee distractions. Hey, TNA booking committee: Beer Money (and the rest of Fortune) are on the poster. Don't make them look like complete losers. I will say something about Ink Inc.: they're both very good hot tags, both for their impact and the pop they get. Neal does a slingshot crossbody that visibly just brushes against Storm. Moore has a go on the beer cart. A teased Untitled Samoan Drop/Mooregasm Combo Finisher never comes to fruition, and Neal's tricked into going for a spear, leading him to eat a Last Call and DWI for 3. Pretty good start, with the right finish. Not surprised they're (likely) going to the MCMG vs. Beer Money well again.

Taz and Tenay talk, and I have some time to think: Final Resolution being the last PPV of the year isn't an accident. But oddly, it used to be the first PPV of the year, somehow... Christy interviews Madison Rayne, who isn't booked. Mickie will "never, ever get to" Madison, even though she's got a title shot. She's also oddly confident that Tara's willing to protect her no matter what. Recap of Tara/Mickie, where Tara says "I'm here to be number one, and the champion", despite the fact that SHE WAS and she LAID DOWN for Madison.

Match 2: Mickie James vs. Tara - Falls Count Anywhere​

Tara leaning even harder into the cougar thing than before. She's wearing a corset. Come on. Mickie, by contrast, is dressed for a Street Fight. Not even 2 minutes in and we get a ROPE BREAK. In a Falls Count Anywhere match. "Falls count anywhere, except near the ring ropes". "Tara busted up Mickie's singing performance" -and Mickie nearly "busted up" during the beatdown, which was why in segments after that she wore a shirt over the dress. Mickie does a rare thing for a face - hides under the ring to ambush her opponent. They brawl on the outside and into the crowd, but no ECW chants. Despite the fact that this sort of animosity-over-rules warfare match captures the spirit of ECW more than trotting out Dreamer and Raven will ever do.

They start banging each other against the wall (in a wrestling way). Tara puts Mickie in a wheelchair, a little prematurely. Tenay's getting seasick from the camera work. I didn't know TNA hired Kevin Dunn! There's an extended sequence at a concessions stand, where Mickie sprays water in Tara's face. I am unironically sports entertained. They're under the Rip Ride Rockit when Tara takes a back body drop on concrete - fuck. That can't be easy to take at 39. Taz relates a story:

Taz: "Better watch they don't get hit by one of those roller coasters. That happened to me once."
Tenay: "That explains it. Been wondering for the last year and a half."

Mickie gets her back shoved into a cement wall, which must fuck you up. Reminds me of that one horrible bump Samoa Joe took. The most bizarre sequence yet occurs when they reach the men's toilets. While people are still in it. There's are at least two men who are ostensibly doing their business, see this ongoing match, and abruptly leave without washing their hands. Also, wet floor sign shots to the head. Yikes. Suddenly, Madison Rayne shows up out of nowhere, delivers a fire extinguisher spray and a belt shot, and hands Tara the win! My only real question is: what was Madison Rayne doing in the men's toilet cubicle? Eh, it's one way to supplement the peanuts you get for being Knockouts Champion in 2010. Beats working at Sunglasses Hut.

Christy Hemme gets an interview, thankfully back within the confines of the Impact Zone. Sadly it's with Robbie E and Cookie, both of whom seem to be in denial about the stipulation. Cookie's mainly apprehensive because she thinks actual sharks will be involved. I wish this were a setup for a Shark Boy return, I really do. That would be better than Robbie E being anywhere near any title ever.

Match 3: Robbie E (c) vs. Jay Lethal - for the X Division Championship (Cookie in a Shark Cage)​

They really have killed Lethal's heat in a hurry. Also, they finally added the vocal samples to Robbie's theme. Cookie refuses to get in the shark cage, even as the two men are roughing each other up. She tries to leave to the back, but... wait. SHARK BOY??? This really was the setup for a Shark Boy return?? I had no idea that that was going to happen. Dueling chants for Lethal and Shark Boy(!!) as Cookie is finally apprehended and suspended above the ring. The masked man finally leaves to sit back and collect his money from Robert Rodriguez or something. Wrestling is fun once again! I feel like nothing can stop this high I'm on, but then I remember... this is a Robbie E match.

Lethal does all his usual moves, and none of them put Robbie away. (Robbie, once again, has a fist on the rear of his tights. Yeah.) Then Robbie takes control and kills the crowd dead. They only perk up when Lethal clatters himself into the turnbuckle and looks like he's knocked himself out. The X Division is looking more like the ZZZ Division for the number of sleeper holds Robbie adopts. Finish is, as expected, fucky. Cookie tosses down a chain, which the referee catches, but was just a distraction for the perfume spray. Lethal grabs it instead, sprays Robbie, the referee sees it, and DQs Lethal! The long, slow, painful death of the X Division continues. Shark Boy comes out again and gives Cookie a stunner, though. Send the crowd home happy.

Oh wait, there's still six matches to go. Christy asks Tommy Dreamer for his thoughts regarding RVD/Rhino. Tonight is "the end to an extreme era", according to Dreamer. So the PPV marketed as "the Last Stand" wasn't the end of an extreme era? This extreme era will surely last until all of them drop down dead. A nice long video package reminds us of RVD was suckered by Bischoff into thinking there was a traitor, and then retroactively un-suckered when Rhino actually became a traitor. Russo booking.

Match 4: Rob Van Dam vs. Rhino - First Blood Match​

Rhino is fighting for a contract here - this makes me sad. I like Rhino, but I doubt RVD puts him over here. So he'll probably be dumped by Bischoff and out on his ear. RVD's singlet bears the original TNA logo - nice touch. Rhino gets his ass kicked early and leaves the ring... but then RVD plays to the crowd and gets punked out by his opponent. Faces are idiots. RVD hits a baseball slide, to which Rhino decides to hug on to the barricade in order to receive a slingshot leg drop. It's very visibly move setup, and just looks sad. And yet the sequence gets TNA chants! Rhino's first real attempt to introduce a wound to RVD is... dragging him against a perfectly smooth guardrail. Yeah, nice try there. Going to be very effective.

"We want tables", cry the crowd, but Rhino ignores this and brings out garbage cans instead. This display is simply... depressing. It's just awkward, disjointed scraps. Crowd still wants tables. No tables are forthcoming. RVD hits a Five-Star Frog Splash and Rhino flails about and sells his crotch. "Make him bleed", says the crowd to RVD, who it seems was hitherto unaware of the stipulation. Rhino delivers a really nasty looking DDT. Finish is a Van Terminator with a trash can which completely splits open a once-clean Rhino. Alternatively: the trash can covering his face gave him an opportunity to blade. I think the second option is more likely.

Christy interview time, and Kazarian's on the spot, asked about Styles/Williams. He calls Williams a bigger traitor than LeBron James (who had, apparently, recently signed for the Miami Heat. I don't really know how US sports work, it's all so alien, but if teams are just franchises without real history or community tradition, how can one be a traitor by moving from one to another? Or maybe he's not really a traitor, Kaz is just saying that because he's a heel. No idea. This bracketed part is really going on for a while, mainly because it's a short promo and basically is just about Kaz saying his Fortune teammate is Going To Win The Upcoming Match.) and wants to see AJ shove a Union Jack up his opponent's ass.

Match 5: AJ Styles (c) vs. Douglas Williams - for the Television Championship​

Doug Williams with an odd Undertaker-esque coat (with that wrong family crest on the back, for the record). Caption this face for me, because I have no idea what's going on here.

Lengthy staredown and feeling-out process - that's your one-step path to a Big Match Feel™! Crowd chants "USA", forgetting who's the face and who's the heel in this. Doug's style can be described, essentially, as "slippery". We're straight in with the failed finisher attempts, just a couple of minutes in. Taz questions the logic of calling Fortune that when there were more than four members. Doug goes to the top rope and gets dumped on the outside like it isn't even shit. We get a nice move I don't see often: a springboard moonsault enzuigiri by AJ, to Doug who's draped over the second rope. "Poop-eating grin" -Taz. Why do you do this to me, Taz?

Interesting counter to a Figure 4 - roll to the outside. AJ grabs the handle of the steel steps as if it will somehow cause a rope break. For some reason, the crowd is not entirely behind Doug, who was hastily turned face for the sole reason that there were basically no faces left. I wonder why? We get shots of unbelievably bored-looking women in the front row, and I get it. The wrestling is really good, but the emotional investment just isn't there. Williams hits Chaos Theory on the outside to get a TNA chant and finally liven up the crowd, then on the inside he hits a Styles Clash! New Television Champion - Douglas Williams. Would you believe it - for the first time, the TV title looks like it actually means something.

Christy's next interview is with Generation Me, and she seems so hyped to be with these two that she's tripping over her words. Better watch out, Christy - Tara's gunning for them! Both Bucks are Going To Win The Upcoming Match, and Max trashes the Guns for.... being 30. Huh. "No entitlement for Bucks" - except for the fact that they're getting a title shot after losing at No Surrender AND BFG. "It's ladders, it's chairs, it's tables and more" -Tenay on Full Metal Mayhem. Funnily enough, in 14 days WWE would produce a similar event. WWE LCT&M, coming December 19.

Match 6: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) (c) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) - Full Metal Mayhem Match for the World Tag Team Championship​

This really is the battle of the really clean tag team spots, huh? Jeremy has no respect for the stipulation at all, knocking over a table. JB isn't even able to announce the Guns before they go charging in. Tenay seems determined to avoid mentioning tables, ladders, and chairs in that specific order, but get every other combination in. We get a slingshot facebuster that's so high-angle it looks like a piledriver. "Could you have better chemistry than two brothers fighting a team that's been together 5-6 years?" -Tenay. Maybe if a team of (kayfabe) brothers that had been together 14 years were involved, but that's not possible anymore, is it? Sabin's head is already taking some serious punishment. "Dropkick, running-style" -Tenay, hesistant to use the term "running dropkick" too.

Jeremy does a Thesz press on a ladder on to Shelley... that's going to hurt you more than it does him, you know. I don't like the spot where one side would win a ladder match if they'd not mispositioned the ladder. Although it might not matter - the belts are hoisted ridiculously high. Double foot stomping a man trapped in the ladder... How is Max still alive? This is compounded by one of the dumbest spots I've seen in 2010 TNA: double foot stomp to both Bucks who are under a ladder and a chair. Partly because I'm not aware what a chair adds to this. Guns set up three ladders in the middle, which seems to achieve nothing but cause a brawl between all four men. Another "interesting" spot: wheelbarrow/codebreaker with a chair in the opponent's face.

Eventually the purpose of the triple ladder is revealed, as the Guns set a table on top of the three ladders so they can stand on it. Shelley and Jeremy are taken out by a Sliced Bread through a table on the outside. Sabin and Max are atop the table/ladder structure, hitting chairs against each other rather weakly. Eventually Max throws his chair away and acts like he dropped it, which lets him get chairshot through a table. Sabin grabs the belts. What an... odd finish. It would have been so awesome if it didn't look so lame in practice. Speaking of looking lame, the cut between this and the Abyss/Pope recap.

Match 7: Abyss vs. D'Angelo Dinero - Casket Match​

jarrett in the semi-main again? Ugh. Pope's absolutely not interested in showing himself giving sunglasses to a dorky white kid (aw), instead just throwing them away. In kayfabe, he's been hurt too much by people he trusts to be his usual self, but out of kayfabe, this just reads as "I have lost repeatedly and I am losing again, why should I give a shit?". Same, Pope. Same. At least you manage to get some early offense in, cornering Abyss on the outside guardrail and hitting some knees. The most entertainment I get from it is Jackson James gingerly closing the casket every time the action is away from him.

Refs check on Pope after he's dropped on to the casket and bounces to the floor. You know it's legitimate, because wouldn't it be lame if a casket match ended in a kayfabe stoppage? No one would be insane enough to book that, right? Oh wait, Russo. Pope tries to headbutt Abyss, and only hurts himself. This, however, does lead to this brilliant turn of phrase from Taz: "He's got a head like a freakin' cash register". Except, when he opens his mouth, it doesn't produce money. Quite the opposite, actually. Crowd is not into this - why would they be, when they already know who wins?

Abyss and Pope waste clear opportunities to win by waiting to close the casket lid. Black Hole Slam would finish it, but Pope keeps the lid open - though I feel the result of that attempt was rather telegraphed by Abyss putting his foot under where the lid would be. Eventually Pope hits the DDE, but Abyss punches THROUGH THE CASKET and... well.

There's no other way to say it. He grabs him by the cock. Surprisingly, that doesn't lead directly to the finish of the match, both of them going back to brawl for about a minute until Abyss finally completes the foregone conclusion. He doesn't go without receipts, though, as his casket-breaking/penis-grabbing hand is flecked in blood.

In the back, in lieu of a Christy interview, jarrett and Joe are facing off, with a referee who says he wants a clean break. Are they just... going to have their match here? No, actually, as Gunner and Murphy show up and brutalise Joe, taking out his knee with a nightstick. jarrett tries to drive them off... Whose side are you on here? Don't tell me you suddenly think you're an actual MMA fighter and want to make this a fair fight.

Match 8: Jeff jarrett vs. Samoa Joe - Submission Match​

What's the last thing an MMA fighter does before a fighter begins? jarrett thinks it's "pour water over his head". Joe, naturally, is limping and fighting off trainers who don't want him to compete. In an display of overconfidence, the crowd chants "Joe's gonna kill you". Like a real life MMA match, the two avoid approaching each other as much as possible in the beginning. Taz actually explains how the holds work some of the time, which is a bright spot for him. Joe just lies back at one point, waiting for jarrett to approach him, then locks in a cross armbreaker. "MMAA&Co." -Taz, misremembering the name of the Double-J Double-M-A exhibition.

This match tends to meander when jarrett's on top, as it always seems to be. He attacks Joe's injured knee by smacking it against the ring post - one of the more popular MMA strikes, I've heard. Joe pulls off a keylock and commentary briefly mistakes it for a pin attempt. jarrett seems to just jump at Joe so he can be powerbombed. Whatever it was meant to be, it looked stupid. Texas Cloverleaf is used, and Taz shouts out Malenko - though I'm distracted by the fact that Joe obviously shuffles by himself so the rope break spot can happen. Speaking of rope breaks, jarrett does that Ric Flair SummerSlam 2002 spot where he initiates a rope break immediately before tapping. This draws "bullshit" chants. Guess people were easier pleased in 2002.

Speaking of bullshit: the finish. Gunner and Murphy show up and Joe beats them up. Crowd chants for Angle even though he's nowhere to be found. This distraction allows jarrett to apply an ankle lock - which Joe submits to. Not visibly, though. Deflating finish after deflating finish...

Mr. Anderson is Christy's final interviewee for tonight. He asks the questions we're all wanting to know: why would any face (as backstage interviewers ostensibly are) care about him calling Hardy/Morgan down the middle, when Hardy's been such a dick? Morgan shows up... and asks for the match to be made No DQ. Sounds very Victory Road-esque, which brings me to something I hoped I could save for the end.

According to PWInsider, there was talk of sending Hardy home, pulling him from the match, and basically rewriting the entire upper card after some odd backstage behaviour from him. Ultimately, though, he's fine (for now) and this match will go ahead. I get the feeling that the stip has been added just to be sure Hardy doesn't seriously hurt anyone trying to wrestle properly. The fact that Hardy has been waved through will probably explain the reaction to the Victory Road incident. "Why wouldn't they let Hardy out to wrestle while out of his mind? They did it before!", whereas in reality, he just headed off while the backstage workers were still in the holy-shit-what-do-we-do stage.

Anyway, the reason Morgan gives for wanting a No DQ match is because Immortal will destroy him if it seems likely Hardy will lose. Won't that just... legitimise the interference? The recap before this main event is yet another Jeff Hardy music video.

Match 9: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Matt Morgan - No Disqualification Match for the World Heavyweight Championship (Special Guest Referee: Mr. Anderson)​

Hardy has a new tron featuring his silly purple title belt. JB mentions a 60 minute time limit... 60 minutes of Matt Morgan? Please no. Crowd initially likes Morgan, but that dies off within a minute. The first dueling chants are actually in favour of Hardy - that's what happens when you put him against one of the most unbelievable faces in TNA history. I just noticed there's screens far above the ring showing part of the match. They really are trying to pretend the Impact Zone's bigger than it is. As if anyone would need those screens. Morgan does the world's slowest discus elbow. The Twist of Hate (a cutter variation) is called "outta nowhere". Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint early, forgets he's not in his usual match that lasts about 3 minutes, then sells a twisted knee.

Morgan counters a Swanton by getting his knees up, but that only hurts him more. I won't say "faces are idiots", because what Morgan did would be the natural thing to do, but in fact, "bookers are idiots" for having multiple matches in a row centre around hurt knees. Hardy tries to get counted out. Oh yeah, it's "no disqualification", not "no countout". Anderson stops at 9 to follow him, argue, and beat him up on the ramp. Tenay says "no countouts". Well, no countouts anymore. Anderson counts far too slow on a Morgan rollup... then he counts comically slowly on a third Twist of Hate of the night.

Ref bump, because OF FUCKING COURSE. This, even despite the fact that Actual Main Event Level Wrestler Ken Anderson is the referee. This would be SIX shows with ref bumps in a row had Joe not been stopped from delivering one on the go-home. Bischoff shows up to beat Anderson more and instate Jackson James (HMM) as referee. The visual pin that ensues for the entirety of this paragraph could have made a 30-count, but still Hardy only kicks out at 2.99. Morgan goes for a chokeslam on a steel chair, but Hardy low blows and Twist of Hates (number 4!) for the win. Anderson's bleeding from the head again. I'd rather just move on than offer a conclusion, but overall? Things are looking pretty hopeless, on camera and backstage. See you next Impact.

 

[Chris]

Didn't care for the last third much but I rewatched this PPV a couple years ago randomly and I thoroughly enjoyed everything up until that fucking Casket match even RVD/Rhino which shocked me the most

 

[Sky]

Impact December 9, 2010 - The Sound of Inevitability​

Opening package is, as you'd expect, about Hardy/Morgan at Final Resolution. "My entire gameplan was to pin this dude's shoulders down to the mat for three seconds" -Morgan, explaining how professional wrestling works. Episode's title is "Immortal Ups the Ante", which frightens me. They've only been going halfway at this point? We're going to see even more tiresome shenanigans from now on? If that's the case, I'll pass.

We start in the Immortal war room (Bischoff's office), and they're certainly not acting like they're at an advantage. With the court case possibly not going well for them, they feel the need to capture all the belts between them to get leverage. Who's going to tell him that wrestling belts don't mean anything in the face of, you know, the law? He then goes on to treat Styles like a loser, as well as Rhino, who has apparently outlived his usefulness and so doesn't get a contract. Instead he gets a piece of paper with the word "NO" written on it in big letters. And with that, that's the end of Rhino's run in TNA. Such a big guy, a former World Champion, being treated like this is kind of sad.

Speaking of kind of sad, our first in-ring segment is once again a long Immortal promo! It starts like the Turning Point one did, with Eric Bischoff introducing Jeff Hardy, and already I feel like I'm in a time loop. To remain great, Hardy has to be challenged by greatness - wouldn't it be an in-character move, then, to book Immortal vs. Immortal? Or maybe not, we've had enough defections recently. This is all pretext for him to call out Matt Morgan. Morgan comes out lead pipe in hand, but Bischoff says "it's okay, the courts are watching, we totally won't attack you". He doesn't drop the pipe. Finally Morgan gets some savvy. As we all know, though, not being a moron is usually a sign of a heel turn.

Anyway, Bischoff continues his divide-and-conquer strategy, buttering Morgan up and trashing that "horseshit referee" Mr. Anderson. Not to be confused with that horseshit referee, Jackson James. Morgan looks confused. "Someone else who will remain nameless" -Bischoff, pretending Hogan isn't involved in the decision-making anymore despite not being legally able to. It's Morgan vs. Anderson next week (despite Anderson being concussed again, but this time only in storyline). If Anderson doesn't show, he's fired, which elicits a reaction from the crowd which can only be described as "come on, really?". We know he's not going to be fired, he's one of your top players. Stop pretending otherwise.

When we come back, we get Brother Ray in the back, telling the camera that he could have partnered with anyone and still won, and introduces a fake Devon. According to Tenay, "travel issues" with Hamada have caused the Knockouts Tag Titles to be vacated. Yes, travel issues as in she's chosen to travel back to Japan to be as far away as possible from this shitshow. Her tag partner, Taylor Wilde, is also out of the company, for the record. She essentially died offscreen.

Match 1: Team 1.5D (Brother Ray/"Brother Devon") vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal)​

Ray isn't even respecting the impostor. Fake Devon is mentioned as being from the Team 3D Academy. Cagematch doesn't even know who he is. We shall never know. He's pretty slow and stiff, but makes a decent attempt at the standard Team 3D spots. He misses the diving headbutt, which is obviously because Ray wasn't in position to hold Shannon Moore's legs open. I'm starting to think both of Team 3D have been replaced. They do do it correctly at one point, then they get the tables, but the impostor is wrecked by an Untitled Samoan Drop/Mooregasm Combo Finisher for the win. Less of a match, and more of a failed attempt to prove a point.

Ray's about to powerbomb "Devon" through a table until Real Devon comes out for the save. His individual entrance music debuts here too! Nice! Not so nice is when Ray uses SoCal Val as a human shield. Why would you do that to her? She's so endearing. This, it seems, is the match for Genesis (Ray against Devon, that is. Thankfully SoCal Val's not wrestling). Tara's in the back singing utterly tunelessly, and she's cougar-ing it up on Generation Me, who it seems are going to be her shirtless backup dancers for... something. Meanwhile apropos of nothing, Christy Hemme has no idea where Mr. Anderson is.

It's the Tara Musical Performance! Tara shows up and lipsyncs terribly, with a backing band that are pretending to play their instruments, and the Bucks doing their best impression of "dancing" in jeans. I get that this is meant to be a parody of Mickie James' musical performance, but they could have tried not to make it a complete waste of time like Mickie's. Mickie does show up to attack Tara (in heels) whilst EY fights Generation Me. I guess it's Bucks vs. EY/OJ, then? What a terrible waste of talent (and Orlando Jordan). "I'm sick of this" -Mickie, who initiated the assault. This is to set up Mickie and Tara in a STEEL CAGE! Tonight! It feels like so long since Actual Knockouts Champion Madison Rayne has been seen in the ring at all. Didn't Mickie have a title shot?

Beer Money want Gunner and Murphy to go out and beat MCMG. Then James Storm wants to borrow money for a beer run. Very nothing segment. Jeff jarrett is talking about the outpouring of support from his fanbase (he's the only one in his fanbase) which has led him to put up money in his next MMA challenge. This is continuing? Please, no. I like the delusional MMA thing, but if it has actual matches, I'm out.

Match 2: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) vs. Gunner/Murphy​

This is probably the first time that the Immortal security have been acknowledged as members of Immortal. Beer Money on commentary, and they get a full entrance which distracts the Guns. Eyes on your opponent. "You know what you call a woman with just two front teeth? A bottle opener!" -Storm. I would have said "Miss Leipers Fork, TN", but there we go. Idiot face of the night award surely goes to Chris Sabin, who manages to distract the referee so the goons can pull off some illegal moves. Twice! "They play their intendos, or whatever" -Storm. No, I didn't misspell that. The match is just an extended heat segment and brief hot tag that ends in DQ after Murphy applies a nightstick to Sabin's ribs. Shelley and Sabin do get some nightstick-based revenge, though. Eh.

You can't have a Knockouts tag team segment without the Beautiful People! They're in the back, prettying themselves up and gesturing to the areas on their midriffs where belts will surely be, until Winter shows up to wish Angelina good luck. Okay, now Velvet can see Winter? Angelina says she knows it's inappropriate, but for some reason I don't believe her. She sounds like a child being told not to do something that she knows she'll do.

Morgan finally corners Anderson, who is set on wrestling tonight. Morgan is indignant at this. I'm starting to think this guy's alignment is less "face/heel" and more "whoever cares more about concussions".

Match 3: The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Angelina Love) vs. Sarita/Daffney - Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament Semi-Final​

Daffney's face is less "in-character goth" and more "hatred for everything this company stands for". Why wouldn't it be, if you'd sustained three career-threatening injuries there in the space of six months, and they didn't give a shit? Tenay thinks what you should really do, rather than letting the pigeons loose, is watch the Spike Video Game Awards this Saturday. Crowd is HOT for Daffney. What the fuck, TNA? Why would you do this to her?? Sarita grabs a mic and trashes Velvet for being the weak link prior to the match.

"Thank you Daffney" chants during the first solid minute of this match - the crowd has obviously gotten wind that this is her last match with the company, and her second-last match ever. So, four TNA runs ending tonight. That sounds beyond bleak. As for the match... it sure is a match. Angelina is the one who gets the hot tag and pins Daffney to a negative reaction. Sarita trashes Velvet again, but I want to go back to this. Daffney was OVER. As a FACE. Even in the post-Hogan jaded, dead-silent Impact Zone. And TNA completely ignored this and chose to put her repeatedly into dangerous situations, that not only killed her career, but caused her to sue the company. I hate everything about this run, because it was such a waste.

Two consecutive recaps - one of Mickie/Tara, one of Pope/Abyss, before a casket is wheeled to the ring. It's opened, and is empty, and this is followed by a clappy-dancy gospel choir. Pope's voice rings out, despite him being nowhere in sight, and he talks some nonsense about donating to those in need this holiday season. Why is this a segment? Nothing happened in it, it feels like a waste of time. A guy with a "Pope's Congregation" sign in the crowd looks bored out of his mind. As for something actually relevant to the current arc, AJ and Abyss are in the back preparing for the latter's TV Title match. Recap of the Abu Dhabi house show, which gives us a spinoff to a tradition: a dorky Arab kid getting Pope's sunglasses!

And yes, that was the best quality frame. Mickie James says she's here to make history. You already have - you set a record for "longest time between getting a Knockouts Title shot and actually taking it".

Match 4: Douglas Williams (c) vs. Abyss - for the Television Championship​

AJ apparently expects Abyss to give up the title, Tara-style, if he wins. What an idiot. Maybe he's signalling a face turn this way? "When the title is not on AJ Styles, it not only leaves Immortal, but it leaves AJ Styles" -Taz. Abyss runs off the referee. Well, at least he's not bumped. Williams is the latest in the series of morons to attempt a sunset flip on this 350-pound monster. Finish comes pretty quickly, when Abyss accidentally(!) exposes a turnbuckle, runs into it, and gets rolled up. Williams then gets completely merked by AJ on the ramp and hit with a Styles Clash. So, essentially, no one involved in this match stands tall, even the winner.

Tara and Generation Me are in the back. Tara seems to think she's still Knockouts Champion. It's Bucks vs. EY/OJ next week, as I anticipated. Let's hope Orlando Jordan doesn't get to wrestle.

jarrett's out to talk about his MMA money challenge. "You sold out" chants continue. Where are the "you bought in" chants? He keeps correcting you! "The entarl" -jarrett. Essentially, if someone can beat him in fake MMA, they win 100 grand. He immediately picks out the buffest guy in the room and rejects him, saying he wouldn't make it. Eventually, a guy called Mike Cruz (who?) comes out and accepts. JB checks he's over 18, despite jarrett offering the challenge to "any man, woman, or child". Here we go, then.

Match 5: Jeff jarrett vs. Mike Cruz - Double-J Double-M-A Challenge Submission Match for $100,000​

jarrett bullies his opponent for about a minute and kills him with a rear naked choke. That was not much of a segment.

You know what's much of a segment? A video package about RVD! Guess they have to do something to stall for time while they build the cage. Shame it isn't something new or interesting.

Match 6: Mickie James vs. Tara - Steel Cage Match​

We start with a beatdown outside the cage, which makes me wonder: Have they forgotten what kind of match they signed up for? In kayfabe and in reality? Seems Tara has, because she spurns a huge opportunity to escape the cage just after the break. In terms of wrestling, this match is just okay... but just okay is the highlight of this show. Knockouts are carrying this one. We see the first real "clash of moves" that looks legit, with an attempted Frankensteiner by Mickie and an attempted top rope bomb by Tara turning into a nasty-looking mess where both women land on their side.

Once again, the main event is bumped to ReAction. And it's a shame, because ReAction sees the most interesting parts of this match. One is a "throw 'em into the cage" attack where Tara legit injures her elbow. You can see it swollen, like seriously. The second - the finish - is a top rope Thesz press by Mickie. Why would you put this on ReAction? Did that Pope segment and all those recaps really need the time? I'll be glad, once again, when ReAction is gone, as that means the show will start to finish on time again. See you next Impact.

 

[Sky]

Impact December 16, 2010 - It Gets Better, Maybe? Maybe? Please?​

Welcome to your favourite wrestling show featuring recaps and talking, ReAction... oh wait, this is Impact. I could be fooled, given the number of extended video packages from last week. And we start where the last show left off in that respect, with what is effectively a music video about Mr. Anderson's disregard for his own health. I do find it distasteful that they're using his previous legit concussion to sell a kayfabe concussion. Episode title is "Head Games" - a little on the nose. "Earlier today", Anderson is kicking down a board and stumbling. Morgan sees he's clearly not ready for a tag match tonight (I thought the Number 1 Contender match was tonight?) and they argue for a bit.

And our first in-ring segment is... talking, again. This time it's Morgan talking, who is already geared up despite his match presumably being the main event far later in the show. That always bothered me. He talks about the power of caring about concussions that made him turn face, then he calls down Anderson, who shows up in street clothes (see what I mean?). "I'm a big boy" -Anderson. He and Morgan are both here in the Impact Zone to wrestle - then why are you talking? Morgan wants Anderson to present a doctor's note to the fans. Yes, really. Also he shouts out Chris Nowinski's institute.

Hardy's out too - even with a concussion, Anderson could out-promo these two guys in his sleep. Hardy forgets to move in front of the smoke machine before starting. "Matt is working you" -Hardy. How very WCW 2000. You're calling the fans marks and admitting to wrestlers being "con men". Then you have the audacity to pretend that the title still matters. Hardy's partner, for the record, is Kaz, not that you have any reason to give a shit if you're just a mark who's being conned. Coming up: Mickie James has a mystery partner, and there's an X Division Title match. Shit. That means...

Match 1: Robbie E (c) vs. Jay Lethal - for the X Division Championship​

JB sounds like he's lost his voice. Taz says west coasters aren't allowed to go "oh" or fist pump. "More of the same" -Tenay on this entire feud Cookie's interference. Until Christy Hemme shows up to handcuff Cookie to herself! Is that... continuity from two weeks ago? It's so good to see it! Better than what's happening in the ring, where Robbie E wrestles his only match. He kicks out of the Randy Savage elbow, of all things. "Fight, baby! Fight!" -Cookie, for the first time proving an understanding of why they're here.

Robbie goes to the top rope for the apparent first time, but gets neutralised. Hemme steals Cookie's hairspray and gives her a faceful, leaving Robbie (finally) high and dry for the Lethal Injection and pin. New X Division Champion - Jay Lethal. If you were going to accept the Robbie E experiment has failed, why not do it on the PPV? It would be a better moment. Hemme shows up to celebrate with Lethal, and they kiss. Don't trust redheads, Jay. You know what happened with SoCal Val, you'd best stay clear.

"This Robbie E kid, he just can't get it done" -AJ Styles, who also recently lost his championship. I mean, he's not wrong, but still. Bischoff is quick to point out the irony. Implies that he's going to replace Styles with Jay Lethal because he can do a better impression of Ric Flair. There we go, some more continuity!

On the other side of that TV Title match, Doug Williams is walking outside and he meets Magnus. No more Chelsea, apparently (aww) and Wolfe will be back eventually (he won't). He heads off to his trailer and AJ attacks him, the assault apparently travelling to a different trailer area where Tara and Madison are. "Shut up, hooker!" -AJ, with such freedom that I think this isn't the first time he's said that in 2010.

Speaking of women of questionable virtue, Eric Young is flanked by Hooters girls now. Also he's carrying the non-Hardy World Title belt now. This just makes me want to see an Eric Young/Moose feud. Orlando Jordan doesn't make a very good straight man, but then again, why would he? Brian Kendrick is meditating, and tells EY that he's champion because he believes in himself. Even though he's not champion. Maybe Kendrick got into RVD's stash. Certainly sounds like it. Hardy informs us that he and Kaz are Going To Win The Upcoming Match.

Match 2: Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) vs. Eric Young/Orlando Jordan​

Feels like the Bucks' boos are being enhanced. OJ comes out in a Hooters uniform, and that's somehow not the worst part of his entrance as he comes out to the same generic rock theme as EY. EY continues his "not entirely sure where he is" gimmick as he declares a battle royal and tosses out the referee. You know what would have been better? If he'd held out with only one foot, Shawn Michaels-style. Still, EY does win the improptu battle royal. Bucks repeatedly flirt with the Hooters girls during this match, and it lets their opponents in. OJ wins with some sort of submission. Really. You're going to bury the Bucks this badly by having Orlando Jordan tap them out? We get to hear Simply the Greatest, thankfully. This match was all a cross-promo for a Hooters special? How lame.

Mickie finds out her mystery partner is none other than Miss Tessmacher! She complains that Tess isn't a wrestler - that's an insult! She's trained by the very best (well, Lacey Von Erich was the best at something, I guess). Bischoff complained that she wasn't a good secretary and that she only had 2 moves. Maybe for you, you smiling fucking mug. With Pope she was a woman of 1004 holds. Goldfish memory recap of TBP being put over two genuine talents last week, which leads to...

Match 3: Madison Rayne/Tara vs. Mickie James/Miss Tessmacher - Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament Semi-Final​

Tara's got to do this with a legit torn elbow ligament. Tessmacher doesn't have a tron. But she does have a non-terrible armdrag, hip toss, and dropkick, something her teacher lacked. This is just a heat segment until Mickie takes control. Tara does not see the ring at all, but whacks Mickie with the elbow brace so Madison can pin her. Reminder: Mickie James still has a Knockouts Title shot. Someone remind the TNA bookers.

Kaz is Going To Win The Upcoming Match, until he comes across Rob Terry and tries to convince him to join Fortune. He does this by saying Terry's nothing beyond his appearance (I mean he's not wrong, but...). The Pope's receiving a donation for the Congregation. Wait, that was actually an angle, not just a waste of time??

Match 4: Brother Ray vs. Amazing Red​

Come on. Jobbing out Red again? But we do get a surprise debut: the name Bully Ray! I always thought "Brother Ray" was kind of clunky, so good. This is an absolute domination as soon as Red enters the ring. He does get a lot of elevation when he gets tossed around, though. Red gets one (1) dropkick, and that's it. Big boot, Bully Bomb, done. He tries to commit chair-based murder until Devon chases him out. That's a nice bit of angle advancement. Shame it had to happen to Red. You've got better jobbers than an actual former X Division Champion, surely.

Jeff jarrett's talking about his Double-J Double-M-A Challenge. Oh boy, we get to see fake MMA again. Meanwhile, Pope's riding off to generic hip hop, and we get another shot of the Hooters girls, because why not at this stage?

Match 5: Rob Van Dam vs. Rob Terry​

RVD kicks us off by promoing on Bischoff, by saying he's going to get what he wants: Jeff Hardy's ass. Also the World Title, but that's the more important one. Thankfully, RVD's doing most of the work, as even 2010 RVD could wrestle rings around Rob Terry. Terry's movements are slow and awkward, as always. RVD comes back, Rolling Thunder, 5-Star Frog Splash, win. Can you tell I'm not particularly enthused about the in-ring action that's gone on so far?

We get a video package about Jeff jarrett pretending to be a pro wrestler who's pretending to be an MMA star. Speaking of jarrett, he's here now, using Kurt Angle's rising-platform entrance gimmick. He's bringing out Gunner and Murphy as security and a "Team jarrett" MMA crew (holy shit, that's Samuel Shaw again!). "The only thing you could submit is a Chinese buffet" -jarrett, to a particularly corpulent challenger. The one who stands up is a guy billed from Puerto Rico, despite wearing a "MEXICO" hat. That feels like a bit of foreshadowing to a certain stable in 2011. Anyway, here we go...

Match 6: Jeff jarrett vs. Jose Rios - Double-J Double-M-A Challenge Submission Match for $100,000​

Just like last week, it's a slaughter. jarrett takes him down with knee strikes and taps him out to a rear naked choke. An overweight guy in an Achmed the Dead Terrorist shirt mounts the guardrail and challenges jarrett. I hope that's not who we see next week.

Match 7: Jeff Hardy/Kazarian vs. Mr. Anderson/Matt Morgan​

Hardy's first move in this match is to flip Anderson off and tag in Kaz. You can't not like it. Both Kaz and Anderson faux-stagger around in a pretty decently fun moment. Morgan pulls off a reverse chokeslam to the corner. Snake Eyes slam? The most contrived referee distraction ever takes place: Morgan tries to attack Hardy but misses him and lands on the outside, Hardy follows him to attack, and the ref doesn't see any of this as he's holding back Anderson! Heels take control, until Anderson catches Kaz unawares in the midst of a double suplex spot and cleans house. See? That's why you don't go for a double suplex.

Ref is bumped because OF FUCKING COURSE, AGAIN. Green Bay Plunge and Morgan legdrop, but the faces clearly forgot to take their idiocy pills today as they don't go for a pointless visual pin. The finish sees Rob Terry come out and turn heel. He actually accepted the offer? Huh. Why would he? Heels win, Morgan and Anderson are disappointed at each other for letting this completely unforeseen development happen, and the show actually ends on time. Good thing it did too, because ReAction is on 30 minutes late this week. That would be a real fuck you, if people who DVR'd it didn't get to see the finish. I mean, they'd probably have given up by this point; this episode sucked. See you next Impact.

 

[Sky]

Impact December 23, 2010 - Lump of Coal​

What a lame last episode that was, huh? Hopefully we get some actual wrestling, and not - perish the thought - Rob Terry giving a "why I turned heel" promo. The opening video package gives the impression that it's the latter, sadly, with Matt Morgan explaining his face turn juxtaposed with Terry joining Immortal. Title is "All the Gold is Worth a Fortune" - it's disappointing that they didn't go with something Christmassy, but at least it tells us what they're aiming for.

We start with what else but Immortal? The entire squad is out - including Terry - to a tinsel-lined and red-carpeted ring. This is going to be a weigh-in for the Anderson/Morgan match, which is now taking place at Genesis. Terry's gotta prove it to Immortal that he has what it takes to be the underappreciated "insurance policy" that Morgan was before. Bischoff pretends to care about Anderson's condition until Morgan shows up and interrupts him. He trashes Bisch's bullshit and says he's willing to get fired for the cause (oh, yes, please). The smiling fucking mug defends himself by claiming the doctors are certified in Florida. Pretty sure you can get certified as a free gift with a combo meal in Florida...

Suddenly we get a return of Mick Foley, who hasn't been seen since nearly killing himself in the pre-Immortal days. And he's here to talk about just that. His pop immediately dies as the crowd realise he's agreeing with Morgan and wanting Anderson not to compete. Flair gives Rob Terry his first official duty - holding his jacket - before whining and moaning to Foley about how he doesn't whine and moan. He claims he got hit in the head repeatedly over his career and he's fine (even though he clearly isn't). Foley and Morgan have both donated their brains to science - pretty sure you'll find shards of broken glass in Foley's. TL;DW version: Foley doesn't want the match to happen, Bischoff says fuck you, it's happening anyway. Crowd has no idea whom to get behind, so they're dead silent.

Christmassy graphics. That's cool. Better than the bad CGI turkey from Thanksgiving. We're informed of a rather confusing match: a 4-on-4 match for the Tag Titles. Russo, what is it with you and titles being defended in the wrong kind of match? Hardy and Morgan meet in the back, where Hardy seemingly tries to coerce his previous PPV opponent into rejoining Immortal. This would make sense in a way that it wouldn't.

jarrett and co. show up for the MMA challenge. This early? jarrett has his feet taped in green and red - because Christmas! The fans have been a letdown, so he's opening it up to the wrestlers instead. He picks out Amazing Red, given his performance against Bully Ray last week. Which was a squash. Yeah, you see where this is going.

Match 1: Jeff jarrett vs. Amazing Red - Double-J Double-M-A Challenge Submission Match for $100,000​

The referee insists on checking Red first, before jarrett's doctor Vaselines up Red's face... and gets most of it in his eyes. The "match" is a foregone conclusion after that, with a blinded Red easily being overpowered and tapping out to an ankle lock. Red claims he's got a baby brother, and jarrett's going to see him next. Ooh, unexpected debut for next week! But if you know who it is... you'll know why the debut is 100% of the excitement he ever brought.

Madison and Tara are strategising. Even though Tara's injured and their team has one body, the Beautiful People have one brain between them. Madison, sorry to say, there's only one brain on your team too, and it isn't yours. "Does this elbow brace make me look fat?" -Tara. I did not make that up. "You big cougar, you go fuck 'em" -Madison on Generation Me. At least, I assume that's what she said. It was understandably bleeped out. RVD talks about getting in the ring with Hardy, I don't know, who the fuck cares?

Match 2: Kazarian vs. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Robbie E - X Division Championship Number 1 Contender's Four Corners Match​

Jobber entrances for the Bucks, and Lethal on guest commentary. "Rick says Kaz sucks" sign in the crowd. Who is Rick? Why should I care? "Gen.Me are men, even though they're wearing these pants" - Taz. Tags? Boring. Bucks do their taunts and then blatantly ignore the 5-count after tags. Maybe this sort of leniency is what inspired the tag leniency in AEW. They beat up Robbie E for a while until he screws one of their flashy double-team moves, Kaz tags in, Jeremy eats a Fade to Black, and Kaz wins. At least the X Division match at Genesis will actually have some pace, and you know, be good.

Sarita shows up to attack Velvet Sky in her trailer with a leather strap, because yeah, I guess that's a feud that's been teased. When did the wrestlers start using trailers? What happened to dressing rooms? They brawl for a bit until Sarita belts up Velvet's neck and leaves her for dead. Guess that's decided the Knockouts tag match later tonight. Bischoff gives his Immortal charges the same pep talk as before about grabbing all the belts. Meanwhile, Brian Kendrick's babbling inconsequentially in catering.

Match 3: Madison Rayne/Tara vs. Angelina Love - Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament Semi-Final Handicap Match for the vacant Knockouts Tag Team Championship​

So, this is effectively a tag team championship 1-on-1, given Tara's injury. We're informed that Mickie is finally getting her title shot from pre-Turning Point, at Genesis! This is a very rudimentary match, with Madison "wrestling" (mostly choking and screaming) and Tara doing what she can with a bad elbow. Eventually we get a ref distraction and Tara wallops Angelina with the brace, and who should make her first in-ring appearance but Winter? Jackson James allows Winter to tag in, saying "fuck it, why not at this point?", and the unknown quantity wins it with a weird spinning backbreaker. New Knockouts Tag Team Champions - Angelina Love/Winter, I guess... Winter is so happy to have done it, but Angelina is like "what is going on?". Same.

Pope's taking a call when EY and OJ show up to offer donations for the Congregation and the kids. And if you need to know how far D'Angelo Dinero has fallen in the space of a year, you just need to look at this image.

Match 4: Douglas Williams (c) vs. AJ Styles - 15 Minute Iron Man Match for the TNA Television Championship​

What's the point of having an Iron Man that lasts 15 minutes? I shouldn't complain about this in particular - the All Wheels Wrestling spin-off had Iron Man matches that lasted 5 minutes. (Note to self: write up the AWW special whenever that happens in our timeline.) AJ tries to lift Doug away to stop his wristlock, but ends up looking like doing an inverted low-blow headbutt. They seem to get the Impact Zone crowd interested in mat wrestling early on, which feels very rare. The first fall soon happens... during the commercial break, where AJ hits a Styles Clash. What's the point of that? Especially during a taped show. Why not show us the build to the fall and then cut to commercial after that? Or cut to commercial during this obvious time-wasting that AJ is pulling?

"Can't lose a fall if you don't stay inside the ring for any length of time" - R.S. (Roll Safe) Styles. It can't work forever, of course. "Ah, son of a--" -AJ, getting pulled into a crucifix pin. It sounds funnier than it reads. AJ tosses Doug out with 30 seconds remaining and lets up for just a second, and gets hit with the predictable Chaos Theory to end the match in a tie. But we get 5 minutes' overtime because Americans don't understand draws. We get 3 replays of the same flying forearm. The overtime ends with no further falls, and AJ insults Doug for not wanting to continue. He gets a very mixed reaction. Doug gets silence. Even when he suggests an "if AJ loses he leaves Fortune" stip. Meanwhile, Team Immortal are Going To Win The Upcoming Match.

Phone call with Mr. Anderson, because that's all they can think to do with injured guys. Even storyline-injured guys. "Wisconsin?" -Mike Tenay, on hearing Anderson's home state. Come on, you've worked with him nearly a year now, and he shouts it every time he enters. Apparently this is a video phone call. Anderson insists he's cleared, even though he can't confirm whether he's seen more than one doctor or whether he has medical papers. With this line of thinking, I can imagine him with Trump voice. "I've been to the best doctors, believe me. Nowhere has better doctors than Wisconsin. Now, the Democrats don't want you to have doctors. And that's SAD." The face team, in the back, aren't believing this for a second.

Match 5: Rob Van Dam/Matt Morgan/Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin (c) vs. Immortal (Jeff Hardy/Abyss/Robert Roode/James Storm) - for the World Tag Team Championship​

"Opening bell right after this" -and yet, the opening bell happens during the break. Matt Morgan's one of the few men I've seen that can take out two men with a grounded crossbody. Shame he hasn't learned more spots. A long period where Shelley sells for the heels ensues, including that Convenient Referee Distraction spot. Hey, at least he isn't being bumped again. He hasn't even made his comeback yet by the time the show bleeds into ReAction. However, he does eventually make it and the comeback begins. The storyline of RVD not being able to get his hands on Hardy is nice, I guess. Sabin does eventually take it with a springboard DDT to retain. Very average match, which is as much as I expected. They were never going to do the title change in an 8-man, anyway. See you on the Final Impact of 2010!

 

[Chris]

Amazing Red's got a little brother

And yeah def don't forget about the All Wheels Wrestling pilot.

 

[Sky]

Impact December 30, 2010 - Out with the Old (Year, not Wrestlers, sadly)​

It's gotten to the time of year when we commisserate about how shit the previous year was. No, I'm not talking about 2020, though I could all day - I'm talking about 2010, with the crap it's given me that will finally flush after this episode. The main feud is documented in the opening video package, which would be all well and good if the main feud weren't "TNA senior staff arguing about whether or not Mr. Anderson should be allowed to wrestle". It's a unique premise, yes, but "unique" does not equal "good". Also, I'm reminded how much heel Rob Terry looks like a gay bar's bouncer.

First segment belongs to Mick Foley, because that's one real attention grabber. Old men who can't wrestle. Thankfully, he doesn't waste time in calling out Anderson. "I held Miss America's box" -Foley. Foley claims bonds between men come from when models sexually proposition them by mistake. This is just a lead-in to tell Anderson not to wrestle. The response is to the effect of "with all due respect, fuck off". "There's no Skechers Shape-Ups for your brain" -Foley, possibly wanting to invent and patent that. I know I would.

Matt Morgan's turn. He is over with the teen girl demographic - actually, I'm starting to think they're plants who scream at every face. Disappointed, but not surprised. Anyway, Morgan tells Anderson that they've talked so much about concussions that he doesn't even believe Anderson has a concussion anymore, so fuck it, he's going to fight him at 100%. Despite these being two faces, WITH THE SAME GOALS, they start challenging each other until Jeff Hardy shows up and drones through the announcement that they're going to be on opposite sides of a tag match with Hardy picking their partners.

And speaking of tag teams that don't make sense together, Eric Young and Orlando Jordan. EY can't decide whether he's Father Time or Moses (or indeed, Jesus, with that crown-of-not-thorns) whilst OJ is Baby New Year. Can I just talk about Baby New Year for a second? It doesn't make sense to me, as someone who isn't American. It's just another dumb holiday mascot. And as far as I can see, it's an excuse to make wrestlers look stupid. EY and OJ, for the record, are talking about a New Year's party. OJ calls it their first New Year as a couple. Please, no.

Match 1: Robert Roode vs. Chris Sabin​

That's a relief. Two wrestlers who can definitely have a good match, and after a lame opening quarter, I need a pick-me-up. Sabin does a really clean armdrag, and holds on to the arm, too. Crowd gets hyped for a springboard crossbody to the outside. These were, of course, the days when dives to the outside were something to get excited about, before WWE gave everyone a suicide dive and diluted its effectiveness forever. Sabin hits a springboard forearm, but Taz calls it a clothesline. James Storm interferes but this doesn't play into the finish at all. Instead, it's Roode countering the springboard DDT and hitting a RR Spinebuster for the win. Front row is not booing, but applauding. I'm okay with this. These are two good workers, even if one of them is heel.

RVD's in the back, and he probably doesn't even notice a camera is there as he walks away and rambles about a mystery opponent he's up against tonight. Back at EY and OJ's party, and OJ is sitting EY in his lap in order to... be a better tag team. Because that's the best thing about wrestling - sexual harassment! Then Shark Boy shows up, because you've got to get all your comedy characters in. Finally, RVD makes it to the ring, and calls out his mystery opponent for tonight, who is... oh no. Not him.

Match 2: Rob Van Dam vs. Robbie E​

At least it's a squash. Brief interference from Cookie, but Robbie can only translate that into the headlock-that-the-face-fights-out-of spot. RVD decides to mix it up by having his Rolling Thunder not end in a senton but a splash. 5 Star ends it, mercifully. Hardy then shows up with his obviously pre-recorded promo and drones some more about how RVD's going to have to face ANOTHER mystery opponent at Genesis to get to him.

Sarita and her unplaceable accent tell us that she's Going To Win The Upcoming Match. "I am gonna whip that ass" -please don't make a promise you can't keep.

Kazarian out with a pair of disaffected models. He cuts a promo on Lethal that - there's no other way to say this - is really quite racist. He first goes off on his "shitty ass nappy cornrows", before rolling the video of Lethal visiting his childhood home that we've seen a couple of times and perpetuating stereotypes about poverty and crack. He even gives "the only black celebrities I know" names to Lethal's siblings (his sisters are called, according to Kaz, Beyoncé and Whitney!). This tempts Lethal to run out, get cracked with a nightstick, and be humiliated even more. What a needless, pointless segment.

Mick Foley goes into the office to ask Bischoff and Flair to stop being heels, essentially, by letting Anderson and Morgan know who their tag partners are. He's predictably (and rightly) laughed out of the room.

Match 3: Sarita vs. Velvet Sky - Strap Match​

Sarita refuses initially - and the referee starts a 10 count! That'd be fairly novel, getting disqualified from a match before it's even begun. "She's got to put the strap on" -Taz, saying pretty much exactly what I hoped he would. "You're a loser" chants, presumably for Sarita, someone who has won repeatedly recently. Velvet seems to rip the strap off by mistake at one point, requiring a bit of work to put it back on. Another fairly novel thing about this match is the fuck finish they use with about 3 minutes on the clock, as Sarita, completely unnoticed, touches three of the corners right after Velvet does, then attacks her and quickly hits the fourth. She then beats up Velvet repeatedly until Angelina Love runs down. Was this supposed to be a blowoff? Kind of sucks as one. (Heh, "blow", "suck".)

Speaking of things that suck and blow, EY's party. Shark Boy expresses a desire to get on TV, whilst Brian Kendrick rambles about the new year or something. "You pumped me in the rear with your stick" -Shark Boy, to which OJ gets indignant about EY's infidelity. Then he asks where the girls are at. I am not making any of this up, though I wish I were. Meanwhile, Sarita and Angelina Love have a brawl in the back, which ends with Winter showing up and promising to rip Sarita's heart out. With all the weirdness of the Winter angle, I absolutely would not put it past her.

Lengthy recap of all the good stuff that happened in 2010, which is unsurprisingly Nasty Boys- and Bubba the Fired Asshole-free. I've been glossing over the ads for TNA's live shows that usually run midway through the second hour, but that's because they're the same every week. "Will you be there next time TNA Wrestling makes history?" -probably not. You'll have to wait until 2013, when the house shows start drawing two-digit numbers. (Thanks reddit, for the example.)

Doug Williams has got a tag match, but has no tag partner... until Magnus shows up and offers to team up. That's right, it's a British Invasion reunion, and we're back to how we started the year, showing pretty definitively that TNA really had no plans for Doug Williams as a top singles guy. Even though he's still Global Champion! I guess with Anderson back, there wasn't a vacancy for a new top face anymore.

Out comes Jeff jarrett, with his MMA entourage, and doing his MMA routine. They still call it an open challenge, even though we know exactly whom he'll be facing this week. He calls out Amazing Red, and then his "brother"... who is ripped! jarrett was clearly not expecting this level of challenge, playing the chickenshit heel well.

Match 4: Jeff jarrett vs. "Little Red" - Double-J Double-M-A Challenge Submission Match for $100,000​

This is domination, and not in the way jarrett wants. Every hold attempt is countered, until "Little Red" goes for an ankle lock, Shamrock style, and Gunner and Murphy have to drag the so-called "MMA specialist" out of the ring. Amazing Red then attacks Gunner and Murphy, so jarrett can bring in his guitar. There's two problems here: (1) the disqualification bell is rung even before jarrett uses the guitar, and (2) Red grabs the guitar and smashes it on the canvas. Instead of, you know, using it on jarrett as has been the established standard since the Attitude Era. So goes the debut of the man we'll come to know as Crimson. Sadly, we've already seen the highlight of his TNA career.

In the back, jarrett's discussing with Bischoff how to improve the challenge, from limiting it to people shorter than him to calling it an "exhibition" and making his opponents sign a waiver so he can cheat. I'm happy with this current jarrett. Why would you book him as a face the first 80% of this year??

Match 5: AJ Styles/Rob Terry vs. The British Invasion (Douglas WIlliams/Magnus)​

Magnus shows up in a beret. AJ tells Terry to go to the corner and not do anything. Solid advice. A legitimately funny sequence occurs early on: after taking Magnus' ultra-basic offense for a bit, AJ demands his opponent tag in Williams - to which he immediately tags in Terry. The Phenomenal Strategist. Terry rams Doug in the corner in a way that's oddly sexually threatening. Magnus does a running powerslam, and commentary doesn't even acknowledge the British Bulldog tribute. The saga of finisher theft from Final Resolution continues as AJ does Chaos Theory (rather awkwardly) on Magnus to get the win.

Back at EY's party, the latest host of lower-carders to show up is - sadly - Tara and Generation Me. Sadly because they're being treated in such a lowly way. OJ hits on Tara, so the Bucks shove him about for stealing their cougar. This starts a tag team brawl (they're going to saddle the Bucks with these goons, huh? Sigh.) before Kendrick receives a Message from the Heavens... Oh wait, no, it's just gas. Shark Boy and Tara are the only ones still partying. Moral of the story? Never take your eyes off the prize, because a shark might steal it.

A bunch of men in suits come out to carry Madison Rayne to the ring. The Queen Bee (has she called herself that yet?) is dressed to kill - and I say that mainly because of the black elbow-length gloves. We get a SoCal Val appearance (who is also dressed rather nicely) as she delivers the mic directly to Madison. She essentially tries to frame the Madison/Mickie feud as "country girls vs. city girls" and acts all stuck up about the country. As far as I can tell, there's not a difference between country girls and city girls, aside from their attitude to corn. (To anyone who gets what that's referencing, I'm sorry.) Mickie comes out and responds to the promo with violence, as faces tend to do. Madison gets stripped to her underwear, because, let's be honest, the Knockouts division isn't perfect.

The Pope is at a dog shelter or something, looking to buy pitbull puppies for the kids. My biggest problem with this segment is that the guy says that pits don't go well with kids, whilst all the ones I've known have been some of the huggingest, friendliest dogs. Also, their square heads feel nice to pat.

Match 6: Mr. Anderson/??? vs. Matt Morgan/???​

Mick Foley's out on guest commentary. The tag team partners of the two main eventers are, respectively, Bully Ray and Devon! Makes sense, that's another feud you're furthering. Borash hasn't gotten the memo that they've both dropped "Brother" from their names. Neither has the tron guy. Bully Ray refuses to start the match and tries using SoCal Val as a human shield (hey, she's putting in work tonight!). Very little happens in the beginning, until Gunner and Murphy show up to apprehend Foley (who is just COMMENTATING, for the record). Of course, they pick now to run out of time and switch to ReAction. Fuck. At least they're never going to do this again, as ReAction has been killed off.

The match goes ahead as Devon and Bully Ray fight for just a bit. Anderson gets tagged in, takes a jawbreaker, and starts staggering. They really are selling this concussion thing. There were days when playing up a storyline injury on the back of a legitimate injury won Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic (see: Eddie Gilbert's neck break in 1983). Now? Not even nominated. This also plays into the finish. Morgan tries to nail Ray with a discus clothesline, hits Anderson instead, and doesn't look too happy to have won. Why not just refuse to take the pin, if you're so principled? Anyway, that was the last of 2010, it wasn't a terrible show, but it wasn't a good one either. See you not on next Impact, but for a very special show that takes place in the interim...

 

[Chris]

THE GREAT CRIMSON HAS ARRIVED

 

[Sky]

Wrestle Kingdom V in Tokyo Dome - TNA Can't Say They Weren't Warned​

Welcome to 2011... and to an NJPW show! That's right, we're going over Wrestle Kingdom V. I'll be focusing solely on the three matches featuring TNA talent. First question you're asking is, "why didn't you do the 2010 one?". First of all, it didn't feature much TNA integration, only having Team 3D drop the IWGP titles. Second, because there's so much more I want to say about a certain match here. I could have done this in February, because they made a "Global Impact" special that focuses on the three matches I'll talk about here, but I couldn't find that special. So, let's dive straight in...

Oh hey, they got Borash to appear, and they're playing some DragonForce! Neat! And the match graphics they do are so cool, and the Japanese announcer gets me pumped. I acknowledge that this isn't what's usually meant by "diving straight in".

Match 1: Bad Intentions (Giant Bernard/Karl Anderson) (c) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) vs. Muscle Orchestra (Manabu Nakanishi/Strong Man) - for the IWGP Tag Team Championship​

I didn't know what to expect Jon "Strong Man" Andersen to look like, but he's bulky as hell. Like Rhino, but blond. Beer Money's entrance is heavily delayed. Karl Anderson looks so young here. Giant Bernard... I'd say he's having the best run of his career. Shame he went to WWE a year after this and turned fake-Japanese. Match starts as a 4-on-2 brawl with Beer Money getting bullied. If this is how they treat their guests... The rules of tag teaming seem to have been thrown out early on. Storm does the get-lifted-over-the-top-for-a-crossbody spot, and then Karl Anderson shows him up by doing a flip over there by himself. With only Strong Man and Bernard in the ring, we sadly don't get big meaty men slapping meat, but we do get a sloppy gorilla press.

Roode goes for a diving headbutt but only hits with his shoulder. As someone who hasn't really watched NJPW, I expect their matches to be more cleanly-cut and rule-abiding, which is why it's jarring to see Karl Anderson getting choked with what appears to be a detached tag rope. Maybe the presence of TNA stars is a bad influence. They do the BEER! MONEY! taunt, but sadly being Japanese, the fans don't know to reply SUCKS!. They do pop for Muscle Orchestra's taunts, though. It's nice to see a crowd that gives a shit. DWI connects, but it's kind of botched as either Nakanishi or Roode misses their cue. Oddly, their catapult/DDT move is treated as being much more effective.

Finish involves a beer spit miscommunication, but disappointingly, the camera completely misses the finishing move that KA hits on Roode. I didn't know Kevin Dunn had a side hustle. Giant Bernard grabs a mic and screams into it to celebrate.

Two matches pass before our next TNA outing. "Hola Japan, this is Rob Van Dam" -RVD. Both he and his opponent are Going To Win The Upcoming Match. They call this an "NJPW-TNA Greatest Showcase" - somehow, I doubt that.

Match 4: Rob Van Dam vs. Toru Yano - Hardcore Match​

Wait, isn't Yano the comedy shrug guy? Why have him in a "Greatest Showcase", especially since it's for Hardcore Manly Men only? At least he's brought his own alcohol to the ring. It's so weird to hear no one chanting along to RVD's entrance music. Yano offers the bottle to RVD, who turns it down, so he spits the liquid in his face. Rude. RVD seriously bounces off a guardrail when tossed into it. Actually, his body takes a lot of punishment early on, with a spinning guardrail leg drop that hurts him more than it does Yano, as well as a chair tossed right to the face. Followed by a bashing with a handheld-size ladder. Why aren't these types of ladder seen more often? Garbage can shot to the head, too. All of my yikes, especially when back in the US, their big storyline revolves around concussions.

First "wacky" weapon of this match: an umbrella. RVD hits a kick from the top rope and seriously slides on landing. A very conveniently-placed ladder allows them to set up for the Rolling Thunder spot, but Yano gets away and RVD just destroys his back. Another chair shot to the head - really?? Yano is seriously dominating this. Until RVD kicks a chair in his face and he suddenly isn't. 5 Star with a chair on top of Yano makes TNA stars 1-1 so far. As hardcore matches go, it was pretty slow, pretty tame, and with an out-of-nowhere finish that didn't seem to be built to at all.

Three matches stand between us and the last TNA match, including a Junior Heavyweight Title match with some guy called Kenny Omega at ringside. I wonder what happened to him? Maybe he'd make a good addition to TNA eventually. They hype up the TNA World Title, and from my very small knowledge of Japanese, I'm pretty sure they named Christian Cage as being the first ever champion. I mean, that's technically true and not true, as Cage was the "reigning NWA Champion" going into the first ever match for the new title. He never won this belt, though. Hardy promises to show everyone the best match in Tokyo Dome history... Quite the opposite.

Match 8: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Tetsuya Naito - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Naito comes out to "Du Hast". Jeff Hardy comes out... pretty clearly not on this planet. Obviously not as clearly as a certain incident coming in a couple of months, but he's known to have shown up high. This was one of the main things that killed the NJPW/TNA relationship. Hardy's wearing a half-mask, and when he takes it off, it reveals that he's seriously glassy-eyed. It starts very awkwardly, with Hardy just wandering before a few tie-ups and opening holds. At least he doesn't cut Naito open with the tie-up.Naito hits a running shooting star senton, somehow.

Hardy goes for a superplex but lands extremely awkwardly, seeming like he's about to land on his head. Maybe that went under the radar, because it seems he'll land on his head every time he tries the Swanton. His "hump his own hand" thing seems extremely woozy. Everything about this is so slow whenever Hardy's in control. It makes me pine for the RVD match. Naito hits a rope-hung neckbreaker, and I find myself afraid Hardy won't take it properly and break something. Stardust Press misses. Twist of Hate denied by a backslide. What if Hardy had missed his cue to kick out? Maybe he should have. In this state, Naito's a far more worthy champ. Whisper in the Wind, Twist of Hate, and Swanton Bomb sequence kills this match.

Talk about collapsing in quality. I'm sure the NJPW matches are good, but that's not what I was here for. Anyway, see you next Impact.

 

[Chris]

Naito shoulda won

 

[Sky]

Impact January 6, 2011 - Right on Time​

Happy New Year, everyone... It's interesting to see how much Impact has changed between 2010 and 2011. The "Monday Night Impact" was full of hope, hope that was immediately crushed when we saw Bubba the Love Sponge actually getting paid by the supposed second biggest wrestling company in America. Now, we've got... this. A show that seems at its lowest in kayfabe as well as out, with Immortal closing in on absolute dominance of the championship scene, and the faces squabbling among themselves over Mr. Anderson's concussion. "Genesis: the beginning... or the end?" reads the episode title. I wouldn't trust TNA's judgement on this one - for a while, they had their first PPV of the year be called Final Resolution.

Immortal entrance to start us off, and there's two things notable about this: One, this stable is far too oversized. Two, the guy in the Achmed the Dead Terrorist shirt from before mounts the barricade and screams bloody murder at Jeff jarrett. Relatable. Bischoff immediately clears up the episode title: Genesis is a beginning. Even for wrestlers who aren't in Immortal yet (key word: yet). "A friggin' judge" -Bischoff, suffering from PTSD. He insists there'll be no impropriety in the title matches - pull the other one. He declares the night a Night of Champions - you know, like WCW did just before it died.

Bisch introduces the current face contingent of champions, which follows a formula: the faces are reluctant to get into the ring, but the smiling fucking mug convinces them to, eventually. He calls Jay Lethal "phenomenal", which causes AJ to make a "dude, WTF" face. He spends some time facetiously talking up the face champs, expecting five-star matches, and then booking them each in matches for tonight. It's Lethal vs. Abyss, Doug Williams vs. Rob Terry, and MCMG vs. AJ and Kaz. He then does the predictable thing, pretending to shake their hands and then setting Immortal on them. RVD then shows up, demands Jeff Hardy, and doesn't get him. He still doesn't even get to know whom he's facing at Genesis.

Bully Ray's in the back, promoing on Devon. "You wanna punch me in the face? Huh?" - well, Mr. Ray, I certainly hope he does, or this would be a pretty shoddy excuse for a wrestling feud.

It's Jeff jarrett's Epic MMA Fun Extravaganza Time again! He's straight on the mic (over the "You sold out" chants, which have seemingly become "You sold AAT"), to announce that the tweaks he suggested last week are now part of the challenge. It's now just an exhibition, which means I don't count it as a match anymore. His first challenger is.... fucking Booboo Stewart. A kid from the Twilight movies, which is one of the weirdest crossovers I've ever seen. Still, he gets disqualified for his dad being taller than jarrett (therefore, he has the potential to be taller than jarrett). A guy comes out from the crowd, and he's Jonathan Cruz from Puerto Rico... wait. You didn't tell me fucking SERPENTICO was on this show! Still, it ends very predictably for him.

See? Notably, jarrett insisted before that this is an exhibition and no one will get hurt, but refuses to break the winning hold until Kurt Angle shows up from the crowd and runs him off. Angle signs up for a match at Genesis - but he's retired, isn't he? Of course... this is just an exhibition! So that was relevant! Brilliant!

Match 1: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) vs. Fortune (AJ Styles/Kazarian)​

JB's still lost his voice for this show. Did they shoot the last 4 shows back-to-back? Would track with how dead this crowd is. If the goal is to soften up MCMG, why not put them up against Immortal members without matches Sunday? Gunner and Murphy perhaps? Commentary is trying to sell the idea that AJ Styles seems overly singled out in Fortune, probably setting up for a face turn of some sort. Kazarian sells a Sabin clothesline by flipping way too hard. I love when wrestlers do that.

Brainbuster gets no reaction - I remember when that was supposed to be a super dangerous move. Failed belt shot by AJ leads to him eating a Sliced Bread and pin. Maybe I was dead on about the story they're trying to tell... I'm aware that in my TNA BTB, I booked AJ hitting a losing streak which led to him departing a heel stable, without remembering that this actually happened. It's one of those delightful convergences. Anyway, Bischoff comes out and gives a disappointed dad face, which leads to Beer Money jumping MCMG from behind.

Pope is in the back, promoing on someone who's been illicitly filming him recently... oh no, it's this feud. I've only heard whispered tones about this feud, and it's unlikely to be fully covered here, considering this thread isn't taking in Xplosion, but I'm dreading it. Meanwhile, in the office, Bischoff and Flair are dressing down AJ for losing again. Flair is playing the "not mad, just sad" parent, whereas Bisch looks like he's going to take out his belt and commit child abuse if he's pushed any further.

Now Pope is no longer in the back, but in the front. "Unless you've been living under a rock and you haven't been paying attention" ...or if you haven't been watching Xplosion, he should have continued. Crowd is completely lost. So am I. He calls out the guy who's been filming him, which is answered by Samoa Joe. What Joe has shown us, apparently, is that Pope is using those donations at the strip club and those pitbull puppies are for Michael Vick-esque dog fighting. "I don't need some Samoan coming out here, passing judgement" -Pope, revealing a bit of racism. He loudly denies it and makes flimsy excuses... and still gets pops! This is clearly supposed to be a Pope heel turn, but the fans are having none of it!

Devon appears to be outside already when he accepts the parking lot challenge. Really not much to say about this one... Next match!

Match 2: Madison Rayne/Sarita vs. Mickie James/Velvet Sky​

JB announces Tara as part of this match even though she isn't in it. The major highlight of the entrances is Sarita awkwardly entering alone after Madison and Tara arrive via the bike entrance (I'm still dumbfounded that there's a bike entrance). This match is mostly made of referee distractions, and not always from the heel side. Madison attacks Velvet from the outside and then disappears, making it appear as if Velvet's selling for nothing. Sarita looks like she's about to hit Velvet with a sitout Pedigree (which will later become her opponent's finisher) until it gets countered. Finish involves Tara using the elbow brace again, followed by selling the legit elbow injury and saying "oh fuck". Mickie did not get to tag in once.

RVD's in the office now, where Bisch tells him he has a match tonight... against another mystery opponent. "I don't know how I avoided it my whole career, and now I get to be manipulated by you" -maybe the decline of your career has something to do with it, Rob.

Match 3: Douglas Williams vs. Rob Terry​

Tenay seems to think Wales isn't part of Britain. This match has barely started before AJ Styles comes out, half-dressed, and attacks Doug, drawing a DQ but letting him beat down his Genesis opponent some more. They focus on his wrist, presumably so he can't do his pre-match pose.

Extended interview segments with Morgan, Hardy, and Anderson. Morgan says he's a face because something something keynote speaker for DARE. Hardy claims Morgan doesn't know what he's doing (where is the lie?). Anderson calls Immortal "Immoral", and thinks it's time for change in the main event scene (again, no lies here). Morgan waxes a lot of philosophical about how Hardy works nowadays, before Anderson has the last word and admits he's doing this for the money. I get the feeling that this is the sort of thing that would have happened on ReAction if that show were still a thing.

Parking lot brawl time.... or not, as Devon is being held off by security. Ray just stands there goading Devon, until his ex-partner's head and upper body are exposed between the crowd of faceless men, and takes that opportunity to attack. He then attacks some of the security. I like this heel work, I really do. Speaking of good heel work at the start of 2011, Jeff jarrett. He's heading off to train for the "invitational" against Angle when Bischoff tells him he'll be RVD's mystery opponent. In a No DQ match. The excuse is that "Kurt Angle will be all over me out there" - well, doesn't the stip give Kurt a chance to interfere? This makes no sense.

Match 4: Jey Lethal vs. Abyss​

There's a female fan of Immortal who plays to the camera and wears the Jeff Hardy armband merch, which makes her perhaps the more obvious plant since Stunt Granny. Lethal used to be so over, and now he gets crickets. This match starts very slowly, which makes you think it'll be more than a short TV match. Not so. Lethal makes the mistake of trying to crossbody a man twice his size. Abyss tries and fails to chokeslam with each of his hands. Black Hole Slam but no pin. Instead, Abyss chooses to apply an illegal choke beyond the five-count and gets DQ'd. Kaz comes out to mock Lethal, which leads to the really quite amusing visual of Abyss holding up Lethal, Weekend at Bernie's-style, and helping him to shake hands with Kaz.

Extended music video for Genesis (featuring a lyric "When you gonna learn, nobody cares who you are"), followed by a pre-taped sit-down interview between Tenay, Morgan and Anderson. It's basically the same thing they've been saying all month - Morgan goes on about having sacrificed a lot by not wanting to wrestle a match, and Anderson ignores his own health. Tenay floats the idea that Anderson is working everyone, which if he were, would be perhaps the most tasteless thing imaginable. Morgan threatens to kill Anderson with the Carbon Footprint. Your top faces, everyone.

Match 5: Jeff jarrett vs. Rob Van Dam - No Disqualification​

Lower third claims jarrett is an "MMA Expert" now. He's out with his MMA Team, which technically means this is Samuel Shaw's first appearance in a televised main event! A fan in the front row appears to have stolen Cookie's hair.

"All right, Jeff, we've established you can circle" -Taz, who clearly wants to get this match over with already. jarrett pulls off the radical move of moving out of the way of the Rolling Thunder. Followed by going for a jog around the ring, which gets a genuine smile from me. The future Dexter Lumis tries to interfere but RVD tosses him away like he's nothing. After very little action, jarrett, Gunner and Murphy beat down RVD, he fights back, and then Jeff Hardy shows up, gives him a Twist of Hate, and hands jarrett the win. After the match, Morgan makes the save, Hardy is about to chair Morgan, then Anderson comes in, grabs the chair, and accidentally hits Morgan with it. A chaotic ending to a chaotic show - see you at Genesis, where the matches will hopefully make sense.

Next up: Genesis

Matt Morgan vs. Mr. Anderson - World Heavyweight Championship Number 1 Contender's Match
Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) (c) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode/James Storm) - for the World Tag Team Championship
Jay Lethal (c) vs. Kazarian - for the X Division Championship
Douglas Williams (c) vs. AJ Styles - for the Television Championship
Madison Rayne (c) vs. Mickie James - for the Knockouts Championship
Jeff jarrett vs. Kurt Angle - Double-J Double-M-A Exhibition
Rob Van Dam vs. ???
Bully Ray vs. Devon​

 

[Chris]

Serpentico