Sky "enjoys" the TNA Immortal Era

[Sky]

This is an era of wrestling that interests me to no end, with how much wasted potential and plain stupidity there is in it. Of course, I'm talking about the Immortal Era of TNA - the time when Hogan and Bischoff and co ruled over the US's former number two wrestling promotion both in and out of kayfabe.
Now, technically Immortal only lasted from Bound for Glory 2010 to the same event in 2011. But the events around it are interesting, if not always "good", and so I'm going to consider the Immortal era to start on Impact, Jan 4, 2010 (the first show where Hogan was a major part) and end on Impact, April 26, 2012 (the final appearance of Eric Bischoff), because the buildup and denouement are often just as important.

What to expect:

• No star ratings. I have no idea of scale of a "good" or "bad" match, so I'll just point out things I find interesting in the rare event that wrestling matches do happen.
• Not many images. Taking screenshots is hassle.
• Me picking up on the dumb inconsequential stuff. Because what was Impact at the time if not full of dumb inconsequential stuff?

Events I'm looking forward to covering:

• The first ever Monday Night Impact
• The one with the Lockbox Challenge
• HardCORE Justice 2010
• BFG 2010
• Victory Road 2011
• The reason why I stan Velvet Sky
• The beginning of the BFG series
• BFG 2011

See you when I've written up the first one.

 

[Chris]

It sounds like you review similar to I do where it's more like just a steady recap of what you're watching and just pointing out good or bad stuff. I'll definitely be checking this out.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

You got a reader in me.

 

[Sky]

Impact January 4, 2010 - Starting Off Without a Bang​

We kick off with a video package that shows us parts of TNA history and presents it as a triumph over adversity. The focus is mostly on old guys, which was a sign of how this company ran its shit around this time. Hulk Hogan is placed on the same level as the entire X-Division put together, which also seems about right. Seriously, they suck Hogan's cock a lot in the first 2 minutes alone.

They still have the old "Cross the Line" theme. Lit. I thought they'd changed over to Change Me at this point.

And it's a 3-hour event. Seems TNA had the idea of overlong 3-hour events around the same time WWE did... Tenay says TNA will never be the same. That's true, though it certainly wasn't for the better.

The first new star to show up was... Bubba the Love Sponge. Of course. Wherever goes Hogan, also goes this parasite. Whenever I see this guy I have to remind everyone that he was the one whose wife Hogan was fucking in that sex tape that got leaked to Gawker where he said the racisms. So, anyway, Bubba interviewing some fans. Including:

• A guy who wants to see Andre and Warrior
• A very horny Florida Woman
• A guy who claims Vince has no idea what's coming at him (of course he doesn't, he's got no idea what he's even booking himself half the time)
• An unintelligible fellow whose only two recognisable words are "WWE sucks"
• A "hot 21 year old" (Bubba's words) who likes chairshots to the head
• A guy with a TNA tattoo
• A Hogan cosplayer who says VInce has no idea, again

Match 1: Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin vs. Homicide vs. Kiyoshi vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Suicide vs. Amazing Red - Steel Asylum Match​

Always a good call to start with an X-Division match - it hooks you in with the good stuff. Or at least it would if you could see a damn thing through this giant red birdcage. Commentary hypes up the fact that there are 3 tag teams (MCMG, World Elite, and Lethal Consequences) in this free for all match. Even they can't tell the wrestlers apart. I can say absolutely nothing about the quality of this match because they keep going for wide shots where the action is obscured by Big Red Bars. "DID YOU SEE THAT??" -Tenay. No, I didn't.

Finish is dumb. Homicide gets himself DQ'd in what is, effectively, a cage match (see, the ref for Seth vs. Fiend wasn't the first to disgrace the hardcore history of cage matches!). He knocks out everyone including his own goddamn teammate with a baton, then goes to climb the Steel Asylum alone, but fails miserably at it. While the other competitors - who have miraculously recovered - are giving chase, Jeff Hardy's first (and worst) TNA theme plays. Take a listen:



Some people shouldn't sing. Anyway, Jeff emerges from the crowd, brawls with Homicide, gives him a steel chair to the face and a Twist of Fate on the ramp, and then climbs to sit on top of the Asylum and mope. It occurs to me that they're going to give a guy with a history of drug problems a main event slot and then make no contingency to replace him if he has more problems. See how that works for you in just over a year's time.

Plug for TNA Epics, which apparently didn't last past April, and more plugs for Hogan, including his limo that apparently has a police escort. Christy Hemme claims the IZ is buzzing with excitement and then talks to a typically bored-looking Kevin Nash. Nash looks and sounds as uninterested as possible, even when Christy's giving him bedroom eyes and stroking his pecs, until he realises that he's going to make a lot of money if this gets big.

Match 2: Tara (c) vs. ODB - for the Knockouts Championship​

ODB cycles through 4 of her "dirty" taunts in 20 seconds before Tara takes control. Tara hits a standing moonsault and I'm amazed she could do that (out of kayfabe) at 38 and (in kayfabe) with a knee brace. Tenay thinks what you should really do is follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. ODB wins with a rollup and an extreme handful of tights (so extreme that they even blurred out the amount of ass it showed, at least on the version I'm watching). New Knockouts Champion - ODB, but she celebrates too hard, eats a Widow's Peak, and gets the tarantula laid on her. The way both of them are acting, it's hard to believe Tara is the face and ODB the heel, honestly.

Ric Flair gets out of a limo, which pops the crowd like crazy. He's gonna spend a year and a half desecrating his retirement here. Someone in the crowd has the Piledriver album with Hogan on the cover. Christy Hemme interrupts her interviewing of fans to interview Mick Foley, who's pissed at being barred from the IZ, and promises to be a good boy if they let him in. He's promptly told by security to fuck off.

Bobby Lashley enters with Kristal, his wife at the time - hey, that isn't the woman who objected at the Lashley-Lana wedding! Something's up... Kristal talks on Bobby's behalf, because even now Bobby isn't a good promo at all. She says that unlike MMA, pro wrestling is full of inbred toothless degenerates at the top - which is wrong only because she said "unlike MMA". Bobby wants to quit, apparently. That's not how you get your release. He should have whined on Twitter.

Yes! Velvet Sky is here! She's introducing you to the Beautiful People's non-strip poker session. Lacey has no idea how cards work. Neither does Madison apparently. Oh, you. Guess it's Velvet's turn on the brain cell tonight. And apparently this may or may not be strip poker after all.

Ad for the TNA Video Vault, only $4.17 a month. Take that, WWE Network that hasn't been made yet! A very intoxicated-looking Scott Hall and a very... Sean Waltman-looking Sean Waltman are denied entry. The only evidence they have that they should be let in is "the band is back together" followed by assaulting security. Hey, it worked in '97. Strange video involving a guy moving from limo-to-limo. I don't think it's ever explained who that was. Oh, and Hall and Waltman got in after all, just in time for...

Hulk Hogan's entrance! He comes in to the totally-not nWo Rockhouse music and blows 90% of the pyro budget. He eats up the love of nostalgia-blinded ingrates for what feels like forever until he starts speaking, then starts sucking his own dick about "making history". Hypes up the young guys - the ones who are going to be not ready yet brother dude jack soon enough. Hall and Waltman jump the barricade but Hogan basically says "it's okay, they're cool". Hall starts drunkenly ranting, and Hogan seems like he's about to perform a surprising act of maturity and tell these old men to stop living in the past until Kevin Nash comes in and... says nothing of consequence. Then Eric Bischoff shows up and says everyone's going to have to earn their place on the card, which is Bischoff code for "we're tearing up the established structure of the card so we can fit our friends in". He tears up a scrap of paper to prove his point. Sting is in the rafters. This really is a time machine back to a not-quite-right past. Another plug for Epics.

Match 3: Sarita/Taylor Wilde (c) vs. Awesome Kong/Hamada - for the Knockouts Tag Team Championship​

I'm surprised Sarita/Taylor don't have their own team name - they have their own combined tron, shared theme music, and everything. Commentary hyping up Hamada's status as a Japanese/Mexican and Sarita's status as a fake Mexican. Then Taylor Wilde hits a top rope armdrag which is pretty damn cool even if it is simple. Picture in picture cuts to the MCMG who are laid out in the back for some reason. Stereo high-flying moves get TNA chants - how is the Impact Zone giving so much of a shit tonight? Commentary more interested in shilling Hogan than commenting on the match, which ends with a weird dropkick/powerbomb combo. New Knockouts Tag Team Champions - Awesome Kong/Hamada.

Back to TBP's strip poker. They're down to underwear and Madison calls 7-card stud "7-card Babe" because she, not a man, is dealing. That's surprisingly clever, for someone who was being portrayed as a vapid, brainless blonde at the time. Enter the artist formerly known as Val Venis, who freaks them the fuck out - and eventually arouses them - by suggesting they turn softcore pornography into hardcore pornography. I don't like where this is going. Another plug for Video Vault.

Mick still wants to get in, but security appeal to their own jobs. I wonder if that works on wrestlers. "I'll lose my job if you beat me up, so... Don't!" Enter the Nasty Boys, and security literally explains that they're Hogan's boys - explaining why they are here.

Match 4: Matt Morgan/Hernandez vs. Raven/Dr. Stevie​

Jobber entrance for Raven/Stevie. Squash match with the Carbon Footprint from outtanowhere while Raven comically fails to break up the pin.

Interview with the Pope, who's doing a Rock impression. Orlando Jordan is inexplicably holding a bottle of 5 Hour Energy. What a way to debut.

Match 5: Desmond Wolfe vs. D'Angelo Dinero​

Wolfe working the arm which is apparently relevant. Commentary digresses to let everyone know that that was Orlando Jordan and not just a random. Pope wins with a small package. Nothing much to this one.

JB comes across a laid-out Rhino but is interrupted by Bubba the fucking Love Sponge just so, you know, another decent backstage interviewer is supplanted by Hogan's white trash friend. He says nothing of importance. They recap Hogan's debut. AJ Styles shills for the Hogan era. Bischoff commits his first act of tearing up the card by moving Styles/Angle from Genesis to tonight. It's not even been a full show and I'm sick of Bischoff's smiling mug.

Speaking of tearing up the card to suit his own interests - Jeff Jarrett. I just wanted to note how in his theme, a loud shout of "JARRETT" is used at one point to censor a mention of the Rock, so at one point it says "he ain't JARRETT!". Well, who is he, then? jeff puts the company over. Hogan shows up via video package to say how Jeff drove the company into the ground (the irony) before Dixie saved it (The Irony) and now he's being forced out of ownership so he can stop hogging a spot (THE IRONY) and so the young guys can get a shot (THE IRONY!!!).

Christopher Daniels, in his pre-interesting days, has his interview interrupted by JB to say Mick Foley wants to come in. Mick yeets past him. Video package for Genesis, which inexplicably features footage that's been filmed about an hour ago as well as the main event that's just been moved to free TV. Some guy (gonna go back and note that apparently this is Shannon Moore and I didn't recognise him) tells Jeff Hardy that the Big Man wants to see him while he's making one of his weird paintings. It's at this point I have a genuine bit of Fridge Logic and wonder why Hardy's music hit in the first segment when he was entering through the crowd. I have no idea.

Match 6: Abyss vs. Samoa Joe​

Abyss/Rhino was advertised, but the format sheet got shaken up. No mention of the fact that Rhino was attacked. So it would have been changed anyway? Apparently this is a first ever meeting for these two. They make much of the fact that Samoa Joe holds the World Heavyweight Championship Money in the Bank Feast or Fired briefcase. Joe tries to use a steel chair - was there any mention of no DQ? Apparently not, because Joe has to make sure the ref is distracted before finally getting that chairshot and making Abyss tap to the Coquina Clutch.

Bischoff working on more reformatting while Kristal pops up and gives him attitude, demanding Lashley's release. Bischoff says no then gives us that stupid smiling face again. Fuck, I'm tired of that. Speaking of tired of this, Bubba the Money Sponge shows up to say that Beer Money are out. No Full Metal Mayhem match, then? I seem to remember there was a tag team Full Metal Mayhem advertised. Bubba lets Nasty Boys in because yay Hulk Hogan. Kurt Angle cuts a generic promo without it being interrupted by one of the million has-beens and never-weres that have already interrupted promos tonight. Slight "what" chants. Annoying.

Hardy and Shannon Moore out, having received what they want from the Big Man (drugs, presumably) before being waylaid by fangirls screaming for Jeff. The one who looks least legal gets a cheek kiss and the painting from earlier. Hm. Another plug for Genesis on January 17. Nasty Boys show up to trash Team 3D's dressing room because the 20something-time tag team champs have committed the unforgivable crime of Being In Japan. One of them calls Bubba Ray fat, which is rich.

Match 7: AJ Styles (c) vs. Kurt Angle - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

I'm pretty sure Kurt Angle's entrance is beyond expensive, with the raising platform and the red, white and blue pyro. AJ doesn't do too badly either with a million sparks flying. Meanwhile, 9 years later, WWE's biggest name can only get a smoke machine. Crowd is hot for some actual wrestling with actual current stars. Masked guy comes in and attacks AJ. I wonder if he's the mysterious attacker who's been cancelling matches, but apparently this is a different mystery assailant who's been following AJ for a while. I have very little memory of 2009 TNA.

Taz mentions Angle's broken freakin' neck a time or two. Fans chant "who needs Bret", which gives me a good time to mention that what WWE was running against this was the return of Bret Hart for the first time since Montreal. Interesting to compare WWE's tactics of counter-programming between then and now. Nowadays their tactic is to starve the indies of talent and run their C-show against their competitor's A-show. Gotta say, I preferred the 2010 way.

Ric Flair comes out finally, and the mass of woo-ing distracts Angle long enough for AJ to break the ankle lock. Ric then looks disinterested and fucks off. After being in two ankle locks, AJ can somehow do a Styles Clash followed by a springboard 450 to be a winner and also #AndStill. Dixie Carter smiles and claps without knowing what the hell she's watching. Nothing to complain here, good bits of wrestling. Finally a decent match for once.

Hogan comes out to take a break from putting himself over to put Styles and Angle over but it's still screentime for Hogan so he's making it about him. I feel this might be a theme. A PA says something that sends Hogan running away and Tenay somehow knows it's about Mick Foley. The man himself bursts in on the strip poker which apparently hasn't progressed in the past hour or so. TAFKA Val Venis stands up to him, but gives Mick what he wants anyway. Mick finds Hogan's office, where he's interrupted by Eric Bischoff to set up blah blah power struggle something or other. Mick gets roughed up by Nash, Hall, and Waltman while Bischoff approves, and Hogan comes in and looks nonplussed. End of show.

Overall? Not as terrible a show as one prominently starring Bubba the Love Sponge would suggest. But this one is them pulling out all the stops. Surely it's downhill from here.

 

[Kiffy Lube]

I wouldn't say it was a great show but I remember the feel of that show really felt like TNA was goin' in a new direction. That direction didn't seem that promisin' but it was a fine start. The roster did feel pretty shaken up there and in the comin' months.

Lookin' forward to what ya think of Jeff Hardy's heel turn down the line. His promos durin' that time always made me laugh. Excellently written as well. Keep up the great work.

 

[Sky]

Impact January 14, 2010 - That Smell In the Air? That's Not Change.​

First off, I'd like to thank whoever on the TNA payroll thought it would be a great idea to upload both this and the previous episode to YouTube on the day of. Making the process of finding the episodes much easier and less risky. Anyway, recap of last week. We're back to Thursdays and back to 2 hours, thank every god that anyone's ever believed in. Genesis is 3 days away! And that is, as Tenay rightly informs us, the first PPV of the Hogan/Bischoff era. I wonder what positive change that will bring! Oh yeah, what happened last week left Genesis without a main event. Was WWE's lack of planning for PPVs recently something they got from 2010 TNA? No time to think about that, here's a tag match.

Match 1: Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) vs. Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin)​

Cool tag match with the criminally wasted Young Bucks, but they seem to love talking about what happened last week, and hyping up Hogan/Bischoff while plugs for TNA Epics appear on the bottom of the screen! Really shows you they care about their young talent! You know what else shows they care? Putting the cool tag match in a split screen with Nash, Hall and Waltman walking. Walking to where? We don't know. But yeah, 2v2 flippy shit, Hogan's gonna make an announcement later in the show according to the distracting graphic. Bucks win with the "450 then moonsault" thing which I really should have remembered was called More Bang For Your Buck before I looked it up.

10 days later, apparently the Nastys still aren't done trashing Team 3D's dressing room. Jerry Sags says he Randy Orton'd in Devon's bag. I hate that that makes sense as a sentence. And they've locked the real Team 3D out. Another plug for the Video Vault. $4.17 per month! I wonder if the rate of inflation has progressed enough in the past 10 years that the WWE Network is still cheaper? I wouldn't doubt it. Hogan rambles and hypes up Genesis, saying there's gonna be someone else new.

It's a promo segment from Kurt Angle! In his cheap MEM suit, but without the sunglasses, because he's sort of a face. AJ was the better man for the one night, apparently, and therefore he needs a rematch. AJ out here, also not in gear. He says he'd come out of a whole series of matches as the winner, so I guess the rematch is on? So the moving of the Genesis ME to Impact was pointless? "Your last shot, in Two Thousand Teeeeyen" -AJ. He's about to go to the back, but he gets got by the masked assailant from before. Turns out it's Tomko. Yay? Boo? I mean, I get the Christian Coalition was a thing, but that was a while ago.

Filling time with a recap, and now they're calling the group of Bored, Intoxicated and Irrelevant "The Band". So the talk about the band getting back together was actually relevant? Hm. They never indicated as such. Waltman now called Syxx-Pac. Hall doing something very I-love-you-man to Waltman. Bubba the Piss Sponge screws Christy out of interviewing the Band. They all refuse to explain what happened to Mick Foley. What happens in the Band, stays in the Band. By the look of Scott, what happens is drugs.

Match 2: The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne) vs. Awesome Kong/Hamada​

Angelina Love spotted in the crowd with her static plastic face. Look, I'm under no illusion - Velvet Sky's ring work is not good. None of TBP ever had good ring work. But call me sappy, or perhaps attached is better. Every one of her matches and appearances is sentimental value to me. Of course, as soon as Madison tags in, everything goes wrong and she eats the Awesome Bomb for the pin. Angelina shows up to tend to Madison... then she decks the other two and turns what is probably face, but I can't really call it face. I'm biased, sue me. For the record, she's acting quite heelish whatever woman she's doing that to.

AJ wants to see Hogan but Bischoff apparently has a receptionist's desk. AJ whines about Tomko, wants to wrestle him. Bischoff... "You gotta defend the title!" Another promo for Genesis. JB wants to ask Bischoff at his receptionist's desk where Mick Foley is, but Bisch blames JB(!) for Mick getting beaten by the not-Wolfpac. And says "could care less". Beer Money show up! Nice. God, I miss this Robert Roode. They want to beat Hall and Oates Nash at Genesis, which gets a "reply hazy ask later". Stalling. Ugh.

Match 3: Team 3D (Brother Devon/Brother Ray) vs. Lethal Consequences (Jay Lethal/Consequences Creed)​

Bobby Lashley beats the shit out of Jay and the future Xavier Woods before the start of the match in which he is not involved. Because logic and reasons. Oh, I realise when Kristal says something, this is part of his plan to get released. Right. Someone should break the news to him that a good way to get released from a wrestling company is not "demonstrating your ability to beat guys unconscious". Team 3D show up for the match, and it goes exactly as you'd expect. 3D. 1, 2, 3. That wasn't even ten seconds.

Ray gets on the mic and predictably rants on the Nasty Boys. I hope this doesn't lead to a match in future... In this sort of thing, though, you really see the promo skills that would only get a chance to shine when the new Bully Ray struck out on his own. Later, the ex-Dudleys finally get to their trashed dressing room, where the sadly-current Nastys ambush them. "Welcome to Nastyville" says Knobbs. Was that even a thing in what could be charitably called the Nastys' heyday? I'm not up on the lore of terrible garbage wrestlers who should have been confined to history.

They inexplicably have a video package of Tomko answering why he betrayed AJ, already. Maybe if they knew this was going to happen, the shooting crew could have warned AJ who the masked man was and when he was going to strike? Or are they just not paid enough for that? I doubt they are, TNA need enough for 50 kilotons of pyro each time Hogan's near.

Welp, here's the artist formerly known as Val Venis, under his real name (I won't use it except in this parenthesis, because "Sean Morley" doesn't have a good genital based rhyme). He reminds us why TNA was called that, and it wasn't because of Total Nonstop Action. He claims he's quit porn and working on independent film. Hm. So, TNA needs a film division, according to this fellow. He's interrupted by fellow baldy Christopher Daniels, who hasn't yet had his personality transplant. Or maybe his personality was always there, but he made it more theatrical when Bad Influence started becoming a thing. They fight. Guess they're feuding now. Also Daniels is anti-art? Seems so.

Video package about Tara/ODB, with Tara trying so so hard to be a face but failing. Firing shots at "Divas" never got old until WWE stopped calling their women wrestlers that. Their Genesis match is gonna be 2/3 falls. Jeff Jarrett arrives at the IZ with a suited guy.

Match 4: Matt Morgan/Hernandez vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)​

We're 4 matches in and not a single singles match. Storm's cooler scooter is something I'm sad died with Beer Money as a team. So is this entrance music. Another plug for Epics. 4 big guys tossing each other around is cool. Hernandez doing Air Mexico will never not be frightening, it looks like someone will be legit hurt. But the whistle makes it worth it. Match ends in no contest when Rob Terry comes out and attacks Morgan/Hernandez. And now the WCW Guys come out. Stories intersecting! If the Band are a band, Waltman is for sure the bassist. Scott Hall comes out slowly and looks disoriented - he really should have followed Jeff Hardy around as a warning. The Ghost of PPV Main Events Yet-to-Come.

Security out to stop the Band, but Bischoff with his stupid little grin is out too. Another plug for Video Vault. Bischoff basically blames Beer Money for getting beaten up, and then treats the Band like a bunch of endearingly naughty boys. When were we supposed to believe he wasn't the bad guy? And we finally got there - Nash/Hall vs. Beer Money at Genesis. Sting in the rafters again. Another video package from Tomko.

Match 5: Desmond Wolfe vs. Samoa Joe​

Finally, a singles match! Pope on commentary. I liked his work on commentary in the "Dark Days" of TNA, so this is probably a beta version or something. Joe's snap powerslam is one of my favourite moves of his; it just looks so fast and impactful. "This is wrestling" chant, says a Florida crowd that understand the show more than Dixie did last week. But yeah, it's a good match with good workers. Finish comes when Joe tries to go for the rear naked choke on the turnbuckle, which allows Wolfe to set up the Tower of London for the win. Nice spot. Wolfe screams at the commentary booth "POPE! IF I CAN BEAT JOE! THINK! WHAT I CAN DEW TO YEW!". I find it amusing, the way he says it.

Another limo, and Ric Flair coming out of it. He's gonna be another guest commentator? Another plug for Genesis that is the same one we saw last week. More Tomko ranting. This show is running into itself. Jarrett's getting pissy at Hogan. He wants his company back and Bischoff can only counter with the same thing we heard last week, something something you needed Dixie Carter's money. Jarrett using his lawyer as a shield is a cool cowardly heel thing to do, but honestly I'm seeing Jarrett as the face here, even without the benefit of hindsight taken into account. Tenay and Taz run down the announced Genesis card (subject to change).

Match 6: AJ Styles (c) vs. Tomko - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Ric Flair on commentary, and he's only vaguely intelligible as usually. Tomko has the edgiest fucking entrance graphic. I like when JB does the ring announcements, it feels like it has gravitas. AJ really looks like he legitimately hates Tomko and doesn't just want to out-wrestle him. Who said his character work isn't that great? Second week in a row, we've had a guy in a suit come out to watch, and this time around that's Angle. Angle definitely getting under Styles' skin.... So does that mean he'd rather face Tomko?

Shortly after the break: PELE! HE HIT THE PELE! IT JUST COMES OUTTA NOWHERE MIKE as AJ gets the pin to be winner as well as #AndStill for the second week running. Angle fighting off a fightback from Tomko, and commentary sells that as him not wanting to face an injured AJ. Good call, commentary. AJ ignores a handshake... Not a good sign for those people who were putting money on him remaining a face. But nothing is decided... until Genesis happens!

A video package closes the show, which honestly? I didn't think it dropped off as much as I thought it would. Too much Nasty Boys and Bubba the Toilet Sponge, but otherwise nice. And hey, Young Bucks! Another talent that TNA criminally wasted when they had.

Next up: Genesis

AJ Styles (c) vs. Kurt Angle - Last Chance Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
The British Invasion (Doug Williams/Magnus) vs. Matt Morgan/Hernandez - for the World Tag Team Championship
ODB (c) vs. Tara - 2 Out of 3 Falls Match for the Knockouts Championship
Amazing Red (c) vs. ??? - for the X Division Championship
Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) vs. The Band (Kevin Nash/Scott Hall)
Bobby Lashley vs. Abyss
Desmond Wolfe vs. D'Angelo Dinero​

 

[Kiffy Lube]

the Nasty Boys in TNA that brings me back. They were never gonna have the same type of sloppy brawls that they had 15 years prior in WCW but this era is full of just Hogan's friends showin' up for some easy cash.

Desmond Wolfe has some fun matches durin' this era. I don't remember that Joe match at all so I can't say it's up there with some of his matches with Angle. Quite sad he never got a shot in NXT and eventually the main roster in WWE.

This Young Buck love though... get outta here with that.

 

[Deezy]

Desmond Wolfe

And that person who outed his Hepatitis when he was released is still an asshole.

 

[Kross Rhodes]

My favorite thing TNA ever did was the Jeff Hardy heel turn and the beginning of Immortal.

You've got a reader in me.

 

[Carter]

Great in depth review Sky , I really like how you explained the beginning of immortal.

I like be watching out for your next review.

You got a reader in me too.

Peace Sky.

 

[Sky]

Genesis 2010 - Lightning Might Not Even Strike Once​

A night of firsts, says the tagline, and that's true in this case, if only because it's the first PPV this thread has taken in. Expect fewer observations because PPVs are mostly matches, and I think matches in this era were generally good when they weren't headlined by one of Hogan's boys.

Video package at the start juxtaposes a space walk with AJ Styles' entrance. Really overhyping yourself there, right? A Sting video from 2006 or something is made to look different from before by reversing it - this only has the effect of making the rain fall up. The rest is generic "the best" speeches from everyone. Including Hogan, you gotta have Hogan. Angle/Styles is the important match here. A tinny voiced announcer and an expensive amount of pyro enters us into the PPV proper. Someone flew 6000 miles to be there. God help him.

We open with Hogan and Bischoff, just so we know who's in charge. Hogan is being billed as "The Immortal". Foreshadowing. As commentary talks about sweeping changes, Hogan and Bischoff walk along a walkway to the ring that I remember being cool around 2013. Early sighting of Brooke Hogan in the crowd, as well as someone with a Bubba the Love Sponge sign. Hm.

Wait. Where's the other two sides of the ring?

Yes, double checking indicates, that is a four-sided ring they have just stepped into. Hogan hypes up the changes to the Impact Zone, and that gets resounding boos and "WE WANT SIX SIDES" chants. "No more stinkin' playpen rings [...] it only got you so far," says the out-of-touch old man in a bandana. He's meant to be a face, judging by last week, but the fans somehow don't buy a guy who tore the soul out of a company to appease his broken old drug addict friends. He only gets cheers again by name dropping Vince. Running theme.

Match 1: Amazing Red (c) vs. ??? - for the X Division Championship​

The mystery challenger is revealed: Brian Kendrick! Hopefully that wasn't the huge signing that will move the needle, because the crowd's reaction was good but not huge. Referee has a huge forehead. Taz describes Kendrick as an off-beat kind of guy, which is kind of like when they described Aleister Black as "moody". Very little high flying happens until Red kicks Kendrick off the turnbuckle and then does a flip to the outside. This gets TNA chants. How Pavlovian. Finish comes when Red flips over the top rope and hits Kendrick with something that may or may not be an assisted Canadian Destroyer. No idea. Red retains.

Bischoff thanks Hall, Nash, and Waltman, for not letting Mick Foley eat his lunch or something. Apparently Nash is the only one under contract there. Hall has no idea where he is. Waltman asks Hall to give him his spot in the match... then wins it in a very desynchronised game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

Match 2: The Artist FKA Val Venis vs. Christopher Daniels​

I think Johnny Sins over here (still not using his real name) is using the same music as Joey Ryan used a couple of years later. He also probably stuffed his tights to look like he constantly has a tiny erection. He offers his towel to Brooke Hogan, who is fully receptive, then grabs a mic and hawks his new film... which apparently is this match. Daniels comes out and promos on him to "Fallen Angel" chants. He says there's no sexual innuendos here because "this is TNA", forgetting why TNA is called that. They blur out a middle finger even though it's on PPV. I guess that's why Daniels introduced the four-fingered glove later on.

Match starts out surprisingly energetic considering TAFKAVV hasn't been relevant since the 90s. Daniels acts heelish including rope stuff to the throat but gets cheered on for it. Careful, Daniels, I think he likes to be choked. TAFKAVV drops Daniels on the ropes and he looks worryingly like he might land on his head from there for just a second. Then, the porn guy makes the Koji Clutch look really nice. Match ends when Daniels fails to hit a hurricanrana leaving him open for the Money Shot. Fans turn their backs. Same.

Video package for the Knockouts Championship match. Neither ODB's nor Tara's voice lends itself well to an impactful promo. They bleep the word bitch 3 times despite it being on PPV. They claim TNA management decide it would be 2/3 falls, when I thought Tara was the one who said it. As Tara enters, it occurs to me the cringeable moment when I went to listen to this theme and the YouTube comments suggested it as a Matt Hardy theme simply because of the word Broken. I've still not recovered from the pain.

Match 3: ODB (c) vs. Tara - 2 Out of 3 Falls Match for the Knockouts Championship​

ODB in double denim. Dirty bitch indeed. Referee gets caught in the opening tie-up, as ODB yanks out Tara's hair extensions. How does Tara do that standing moonsault just a few years before her retirement? Tara takes fall number 1 with a small package as the camera cuts to a bewildered-looking NFL player. ODB checks her pulse repeatedly. Pretty sure that doesn't go anywhere. She then does a weird rolling bodyscissors which has a pin attempt in the middle and ends in a possible rest hold. Later she tries a rear naked choke - not a Coquina Clutch, but knowing her, some other kind of Clutch that ends in "-ina". Fall 2 is the failed back body drop spot transitioning into not a kick, but a Widow's Peak outtanowhere. It ends 2-0 and so, New Knockouts Champion - Tara. Brooke Hogan is thrilled.

Pope doing his Rock impression. He has an unintelligible nickname for Desmond Wolfe. Christy looks charmed. Thankfully no Bubba the Unloved Child replacing her this time. They call the tag team tale of the tape "Taglines". That's lovably lame.

Match 4: The British Invasion (Doug WIlliams/Brutus Magnus) (c) vs. Matt Morgan/Hernandez - for the World Tag Team Championship​

Seems Magnus only got his name because he was in the revival series of Gladiators. Still, this'll be an interesting look at Nick Aldis before he had personality. Hernandez surprisingly doesn't get DQ'd for using a T-shirt to toss Doug. Later he's probably the biggest man I've ever seen play Ricky Morton. Morgan clears house, but doesn't get the pin because that would make sense. This is prolonged for a few more minutes, during which SuperMex acts even more unsafe. Finish comes from a Carbon Footprint. New World Tag Team Champions - Matt Morgan/Hernandez.

Bobby Lashley tries to step to Abyss while he's having a meeting with Bischoff but gets his shit pushed in, with Abyss using Bisch's appliances on Lashley. Bisch blames Abyss for knocking out his opponent in advance, and not for ruining his monitor. Hogan shows up and tries to relate to the lumberjack shirt wearing masked childlike monster. Seems Abyss has turned from a Kane clone to a Mankind clone this year.

Match 5: Desmond Wolfe vs. D'Angelo Dinero​

Pope does one of the lamest "make it rain"s ever and Wolfe shows up in a tracksuit. Camera lingers on Wolfe's valet leaving the ring before the match starts, for a little too long. Pope botches a running seated move or something, flies above Wolfe out the ring and lands awkwardly. Maybe it was worked though because commentary talks about it and Wolfe works the knee. Or maybe it wasn't because it significantly slows the match for a while. Taz has called the crowd the "12th man" twice so far, neither time in a match where a team of any size is involved. Finish involves Pope taking down the knee braces, then eating a lariat to lose to Wolfe. Not bad, but overlong.

Tenay and Taz ramble about the main event to stall for time before JB is ready. JB has to interview someone, but Eric Bischoff tells him to go fuck himself because his job is gone. Really blaming him for the Foley thing, huh? Christy Hemme looks very much like Eric is grooming her, and is fine with it. She finally gets to do her (well, JB's) job, marking out over Ric Flair. He says stuff about following the money. Video package about the match involving the Band (what a shit name, still).

Match 6: The Band (Kevin Nash/Sean Waltman) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)​

The Band's music is very not-nWo. Kind of disappointing that they didn't bring Scott Hall on in the end, because they'd be able to see the dangers of putting guys with drug problems in prominent positions, a year in advance. Yes, I'm going to keep referencing that, because Hall so far has looked like Jeff Hardy was in that one match, all the time. Literally no combination of these four people would put on a good match against each other apart from Storm/Roode, but that's a year or two too early so we see two TNA Originals facing off against Slowcoach McQuadtear and the Kliq's resident flippy guy. Taz keeps calling Waltman X-Pac. Amusingly the finish does involve Scott Hall - Waltman goes away to stop him swinging on a crowd plant, allowing Beer Money to 2v1 Nash for the win. Nash is unhappy with Hall.

Hogan and Bischoff seen backstage talking about the Band. He's gonna do something about in on next Impact, apparently. Are these authority figures face? Heel? Who knows? Abyss enters even though his opponent (Bobby Lashley, who wants out of his contract, remember?) is knocked out (in Bischoff's office from earlier, remember?) and is going to have his match, probably against the new needle-moving signing (that they announced earlier, remember?) Abyss pulls his hair a lot.

The mystery opponent... It's Mr. Anderson! I like this guy. One of the weird things I remember about him was that he was the last guy to wrestle Eddie Guerrero. And Pope (whom we've already seen) was the last guy to wrestle Chris Benoit. I'm not ruling out the possibility of those two being cursed. Anyway, Anderson drops the mic from the ceiling, does his own ring announcement, and accidentally goads the fans into yelling "KENNEDY!". Commentary act like it's hugely innovative. Fans don't but respond well to it anyway.

Match 7: Abyss vs. Mr. Anderson​

Anderson fake offers his hand and then slaps Abyss. I think that's what we call an Establishing Character Moment. It occurs to me that in-storyline, we wouldn't have gotten to see this new signing in action had Lashley not tried to step to Abyss earlier. Anderson kicks out of everything. Fans quickly lose patience. "Overrated" chants. Abyss tries and fails not to succumb to his desire to use a chair. But the referee grabs the chair which lets Anderson use brass knuckles behind the ref's back to get the win. Anderson cuts a poor post-match promo then the match we just saw gets recapped.

Promo for Styles vs. Angle, including a Hogan-driven promo we already saw on Impact, and extended footage of Kurt Angle approaching his entrance spot. His entrance music abruptly restarts at one point. The announcer claims there's a 60-minute time limit, which is weird because those time limits never get reached. AJ's doing pull-ups on backstage Universal Studios scaffolding before he enters. Don't they give their number one star a proper room to train? Extreme screaming fangirls for AJ.

Match 8: AJ Styles (c) vs. Kurt Angle - Last Chance Match for the World Heavyweight Championship​

This isn't going to live up to their match on the 3-hour Impact but it's good. AJ tries to mat wrestle Angle initially but fails because it's Kurt Angle. Ric Flair shows up to watch, which makes me worry he has creepy thoughts about AJ. They keep cutting back to Ric, despite the fact that the guys you're booking as the two best in the world are in the ring together. AJ does flippy shit and gets TNA chants. Again, Pavlovian.

The next few minutes are just signature move after signature move. Kurt counters the Tombstone Piledriver Styles Clash to the Ankle Lock, which doesn't finish. And then they each use their finishers on each other for no fall. So many false finishes. AJ eventually taps to a grapevined Ankle Lock, but Ric Flair pulls the referee away just before. He then sets up Kurt to be clotheslined and gives the belt to AJ, and he clocks Kurt with it. AJ's heel apparently. Ref's brought back to count the pin. AJ is winner as well as #AndStill for the 3rd time in less than 2 weeks. But at what cost? Very little, apparently, as he now has a cool heel manager in Ric Flair.

That heel turn really was not telegraphed at all. And so ends a show that really stank up the joint, overall. Debuting ex-WWE guys ranged from okay (Kendrick) to awful (the other two). Shitting on the titles. Turning the most likeable guy that TNA has heel. Good start...

 

[Sky]

Impact January 21, 2010 - Styles-ish Villains​

We recap Genesis to kick off - and the first thing that shocks me is that they not only kept in, but amplified the "We want six sides" chant. It's like they're outright saying to us "Our fans hate what we are doing to our product". Hogan is still awkwardly positioned as sort of a face, so that doesn't seem like the sort of reaction they wouldn't edit out. Pushing the major angles, those being Scott Hall being a fuckup, Mr. Anderson being an entity, and AJ Styles being a heel under Ric Flair. Speaking of, we see a limo pull up, and three pretty ladies, Flair and Styles emerge. The sound of people riding rollercoasters is audible. Hey, did we ever found out who that guy was who ran between two stopped limos on the Monday episode? No? We never did? Okay then.

Sign in the crowd says "Who needs entertainment when there's X-Division", which is probably on the same level of fuckup as during the blue rebrand when they were saying "We want to wrestle, not to entertain". Ric Flair enters to a guitar version of his usual theme. Why? It's a public domain tune. Flair implies that Dixie Carter gave him a contract after he shagged her. All the shit I've heard about Dixie, I'd not rule it out. After much rambling, he brings out Flair-clone AJ, who says no one gave him credit for being great, less than a month removed from Hulk Hogan himself calling him great on live national television. It's 2010 TNA, the heels' motives don't have to make sense. Also: 8 "lonk" years. From Pennsylvania.

Enter Kurt, and enter Hogan, who completes a January that's been full of shitting on prior stipulations by claiming it's not Kurt's last chance anymore; he's getting another title match. And if Ric Flair intervenes in another title match, he's going to take the title off AJ and hand it to Kurt. I only just noticed how awkward Angle walks. Also, Hogan entering to another guy's music. A rare show of humility. Backstage, it's a recap of two Impacts ago... oh wait, it's new footage, as Mick Foley is smashing stuff to find Eric Bischoff's room. You should know where it is, Mick. You've been there. Nasty Boys vs. Nash and Eric Young advertised for later. God help us all.

Match 1: Matt Morgan/Hernandez (c) vs. The British Invasion (Doug Williams/Brutus Magnus) - for the World Tag Team Championship​

Doesn't matter if you missed the PPV, the rematch is on free TV! And they're hyping Jeff Jarrett's appearance on Bubba the Love Handle's radio show, as if anyone with a brain would give a shit. Big forehead referee is back. "USA" chants for a team featuring a guy who wears the Mexican flag everywhere and will soon become part of an Mexican anti-American stable. Matt Morgan does what is sort of an aerial move. Somehow, with his stature. Rob Terry comes out and tosses Magnus his Considerably Less Money in the Bank briefcase, but he hits Doug with it. Trouble in paradise for the Brits? Anyway, Morgan/Hernandez win because yeah they're not dropping it back 4 days later. The Brits are arguing until Mick Foley gives them all the chair for no reason, then calls out Bischoff.

The Bubba the Wet Blanket episode with Jeff Jarrett turns out to be Bubba calling Jarrett at a ridiculous hour, harassing him over apparently killing TNA like Hogan and Bischoff want us to think. Speaking of those two, they're talking about how to deal with Mick, then deals with Nash over his Band-mates being trash. Orlando Jordan enters to fairly generic music, and then Popey Maivia is seen doing a backstage interview just as he's about to go on. He mentions watching Whoopi Goldberg movies, clearly somehow giving less of a shit about a match involving Orlando Jordan than I am.

Match 2: D'Angelo Dinero vs. Orlando Jordan​

Pope has a taped knee, and his money drop looks slightly less lame this time. Orlando giving him possible bedroom eyes. Pope has Orlando in 619 position, slides over him, and lands in the crowd. Guess that wasn't a botch at Genesis after all. Orlando works the knee, then pins him with that most knee-damaging of moves... a facebuster.

Christy interviews Kurt Angle in a room I've seen a few times, but I don't know from where. Then we get more clips of Bubba the Cum Rag harassing Jeff Jarrett. Eric Young and Kevin Nash talk in the locker room and give a callback to previous character work of something or other. I hate that Young's in this position, but at least he's not playing the moron. Video package about The Beautiful People vs. Angelina Love. Angelina is nominally the face here, but she's heelish as fuck.

Back to Bubba's show where Jeff notes what I've been saying, that the fans clearly dislike what Hogan and Bischoff are doing. Apparently this is going to end in a Jarrett/Hogan meeting, to which Jarrett agrees only if Bisch isn't there. Come to think of it, Immortal is a lot like the "Heel Dixie Carter" angle a few years later, in which they try to parlay genuine issues with the creative into in-ring heat. And it fails. Apparently Bobby Lashley doesn't want to quit anymore - guess that monitor to the head changed him. So much TV time being wasted.

Match 3: Angelina Love vs. Madison Rayne​

That's very clearly lingerie. You forgot to put any sort of shirt on, Madison. Also, your version of letting the pigeons loose isn't as good as Velvet's. This lasts two minutes max with Two Balloons Tied to a Twig winning with a bicycle kick, then ripping Madison's top off to reveal that she's wearing two bras at once. The remaining members of TPB hit her with the ugly stick, even though Angelina has clearly overmodified her body enough that such a treatment is unnecessary. If I seem less receptive to things than I was first episode, that's apparently what watching 3 weeks' worth of 2010 TNA programming does to you. Also, diamond-studded black is one of the best Velvet Sky looks, fight me.

Here we have Bubba the Space Waste with Hall (stoned out of his mind again) and Waltman (never had a mind), who are confident they're gonna get full contracts soon. Then we get Hogan and Bischoff coming out in the ring, both of whom ignore their ridiculously expensive pyro. They call the Band out so they can be thrown out. Good, hope they don't come back. Also Hogan says "I'm tired of the Rock" which I think counts as a shot at WWE. Mick Foley comes out (STORYLINE INTERSECTION!!) and security deal with him. Eric tells them to take Mick to his office... which was where Mick wanted to go anyway. Experts in making something out of nothing, these two.

Match 4: The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobbs/Jerry Sags) vs. Kevin Nash/Eric Young​

There's two fans with Nastys shirts, and one of them is a rather attractive woman. I hope they're both plants, for their own sake. Oh yeah, Eric Young is TNA Global Champion. Forgot that title existed, it hasn't been seen at all. Tenay wants us to follow Dixie Carter on the Twitters. That would be more entertaining, mind you, than watching this painfully slow match that Eric Young, bless him, cannot carry. Nastys both stiffing and being unsafe throughout. When EY gets to wrestle, they distract from that by having an outside brawl with the non-legal men and Nash getting laid out. Then EY dies to an unceremonious pumphandle slam. At least it's over. Nasty Boys try to leave and get jumped by chair-wielding Team 3D. Fuck, not this feud again.

One formulaic video package later, we get MR. ANDERSON coming out and cutting his ONLY... PROMO! ...PROMO! I thought I liked this guy at the time I was watching him, but turns out I had low standards. Nervous not-Mankind Abyss shows up, stands behind the Asshole for all of 2 minutes while he doesn't notice, then beats on him. Is this feud gonna be a regular thing? Please no. Abyss has to meekly apologise to Bischoff for wrecking (improving) the show, then the annoying smiling mug is distracted by Foley saying he's gonna take his company back by force. Like he tried and failed to do on the 4th. Very little changes between weeks, I find.

Match 5: AJ Styles (c) vs. Kurt Angle - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Have all of my shows really had AJ defending his title in the main event? It's getting a little old. And since this is the 3rd match I've seen between Styles and Angle in the past 3 days, I have little to say about this one. It's notably shorter, 5 minutes or so, and AJ does considerably less flippy shit (because he's a Heel, and that's what Heels do), even busting out a Figure 4 at one point. The finisher is when AJ tries to get in an Ankle Lock on Kurt Angle, and the referee calls for the bell even though Kurt Angle didn't tap. Yep, it's a Montreal recreation, right down to using Earl Hebner. I don't think he was doing his "Damn right I did" shtick at the time, but that's something I remember. That a referee had an established heel persona for house shows. Then Kurt Angle rebukes Hogan and spits in his face. Just like... Montreal...

We go to an incredibly late break, then we see that Kurt trashed the set. Yeah, that's the way to make a statement - when no one on TV is going to see you. Eric Bischoff shows up, busted open (a good look for him) and fires Mick Foley. Well, guess he failed to take his company back by force again. And we're going to see more Hogan and Bischoff, and we're going to see more repeats of this quite-crap episode. Yay?

 

[Deezy]

Treating your TV show as a meta tv show is stupid as fuck......only Gary Shandling has done it successfully.

Especially if your entire meta premise is your show sucks.

Who the fuck wants to watch that?

 

[Sky]

Impact January 28, 2010 - Taking My Time Away By Force​

Our recap focuses on what TNA thinks is important - which is, first and foremost, what Hogan and Bischoff are doing at the moment. But they do cover AJ's heel turn for a moment before they turn that back into the Hogan/Flair feud. And of course we have to watch the discount Montreal Screwjob. The whole thing seems very worked shoot-y, and a good comment was made by Deezy on the last episode.

Treating your TV show as a meta tv show is stupid as fuck......only Gary Shandling has done it successfully.

Especially if your entire meta premise is your show sucks.

Who the fuck wants to watch that?

The overarching storyline appears to be that not only the fans, but the talent, have turned on the Hogan/Bischoff regime within less than a month. Who would want to watch a program where everyone actively admits they hate being on the program? Who? Apparently, a decent number of people, because Impact was on Spike at the time.

I've been ignoring the titles of these episodes, even though they do have official titles. This one's title is "SCREWED". Leaning into the soap opera comparison here, aren't we, TNA? Aren't you forgetting the fact that dumb storylines and "sports entertainment" is what talent has been railing against on live TV? It doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense. Anyway, intro (I didn't notice Daffney was in this one, nice!), huge waste of pyro, advertising for Against All Odds has begun already, and there's someone with a Velvet Sky sign in the crowd. I like this guy. I don't know why I like him, but I do.

Commentary talks about an 8-Card Stud tourney at Against All Odds as Hogan and Bischoff enter to a second waste of pyro in the space of a minute. It's as if they want to rub in our faces the only people who matter. Hogan surprisingly gets positive chants. He rambles and brings out Mick Foley. Even since we've seen Foley a few times before, this is the first time we hear his (very nice) theme, despite him not being a TNA employee anymore. It doesn't have to make sense. Also: "I wanna nip a lot of things in the butt" -Hogan. Hogan suggests that they could change Foley, right to his face. Nice tactics. Extreme close-up on Bischoff's grumpy face, which is somehow more appealing than his smiling mug. Hogan says something meaningless about "work out or walk out", and then his music hits before he's finished. Bischoff and Foley gotta work things out (please, no more).

And we go backstage to see Jeff Jarrett being convinced of something by Bubba the Turd Wiper. They're gonna talk to him. Who he is, it's never explained. I want to digress to note that this was the same taping at which Awesome Kong decked Bubba over his "fuck Haiti" comments. There's never been a more deserved punch in the history of TNA, and knocking the backstage reaction to this, the roster agreed. Mr. Anderson hijacks Christy doing an interview with him (Christy has had her job stolen so many times so far) and issues an open challenge to anyone. Including Christy. She doesn't seem receptive. Maybe if you were Kevin Nash, she'd be all over you.

Match 1: Desmond Wolfe vs. TAFKA Val Venis - 8-Card Stud Tournament Qualifier​

Only now do we know the name of Wolfe's valet. Chelsea. She makes him look like a big name. I'm pretty sure those cheers for Towel Jones are piped in. Graphic reminds us once again to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter, which would honestly be better than watching a match involving the guy who isn't Desmond Wolfe. First minute is just hammerlocks. Last week's episode was apparently the most watched ever Thursday Impact, which is a shock. Chelsea looks appropriately bewildered. Wolfe puts on what Taz calls a "wacky submission". You know, like the sort of ones the off-beat kind of guy, Brian Kendrick would do. Tenay talks about a ranking system. Match is mercifully shortened when Wolfe hits Tower of London for the pin.

Jarrett's got to see Hogan and Bischoff. No attorneys. Why? Apparently he and Bubba are gonna get along now, and he's gotta apologise. And Bischoff accepts that... by putting him in the main event against Mr. Anderson. At least it's not the diminishing returns we've gotten from the last 3 Styles/Angle matches. Speaking of, recap of the screwjob. One of Ric Flair's beautiful women shows AJ some suits while the two make innuendo. They're gonna be on vacation.

Match 2: Daniels vs. Hernandez - 8-Card Stud Tournament Qualifier​

Daniels attacks early while Tenay suggests that Hernandez can't wrestle singles anymore. What was it with this area of TNA and bald guys with less than average character? The four guys we've seen wrestle so far fit that description. Daniels does a cheaty rope pin but it doesn't stop Hernandez kicking out. There was only guy gonna win this, and it was always Hernandez. Yep. Team 3D and Nasty Boys up next. They're going to have a match at Against All Odds, God help us all.

Tenay is in-ring and introduces them as two of wrestling's most famous tag teams. I prefer "one of the most famous tag teams and the Nastys". Apparently even though Nastys are one of the most famous teams Taz has to introduce them to the fans at home. They get in the ring while 3D have to be held back by security - Hogan's friend privilege much? Brother Ray is good on the mic, and we really see this here. Devon name-drops WWE. Actually not a bad showing on the mic by the Nastys, Knobbs especially despite him sounding asthmatic. Maybe this will be a good match at Against All Odds...? Nah.

Promo by TBP, with Velvet saying everyone's sick of Angelina. Apparently not everyone, but at least I am. Madison sadly says something that reminds me 2009 was 11 years ago. Fuck, we're getting old. Anyway, Lacey expresses a desire to eat gold, and we get far too close up a look at Jeff Jarrett's lower half. Bobby is with Eric Bischoff, where he's told he's fired. So, to get fired in this company, you have to not want to be fired. Good to know. I also hate Eric Bischoff's Smiling Fucking Mug every time it shows up on screen, and it's here tonight. Fuck off.

Match 3: Tara/Awesome Kong/Hamada vs. The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne/Lacey Von Erich)​

TBP tease the three-way kiss and commentary draws attention to it. I can't recall a time when they followed through, and that's sad. Kong keeps Hamada waiting a lot during her entrance, presumably because she was too busy wiping Bubba the Limp Dishcloth's blood off her fists. Chants for Awesome Kong - apparently the word had gotten out that she'd punched Bubba. Good for her. Hamada is puro levels of stiff, and Lacey gets almost zero ringtime. I reckon that's a good thing on both counts. Finish is where Hamada hits a moonsault on Lacey, in which she briefly forgets to lift the leg for the pin attempt, referee is distracted, and Madison hits Hamada with the ugly stick while Kong chases Velvet to the back. That's what I call a Russo finish. They keep beating on Tara and Hamada until Angelina Love comes in for the save... forgetting the feuds she's had with multiple of TBP's opponents. Hm.

Hogan is in the back reprimanding Earl Hebner. I guess he didn't get to his "Damn Right I Did" phase yet, like I mentioned before, because he's not owning this screwjob. Until he... admits it for no reason? I mean, that's one way to get suspended if you really want to. AJ brings Rick the four beautiful women, who are clearly being paid to stand and look vapid. Bubba the X Pac is interviewing Mick Foley, who apparently says it's fine if he doesn't have a job??

Speaking of people who don't have a job, Kurt Angle is here, despite him quitting. Say it again with me - it doesn't have to make sense. "That you coulda cold" -Kurt. Trashes AJ then claims he's gonna enter the 8-Man tournament, which Hogan apparently gave free entry to. Despite him spitting in Hogan's face and trashing the set last week. Say it again with me... Hogan's in and says he's disappointed in Kurt. Mixed messages? After Hogan leaves, Kurt is smashed by Hall and Waltman - Hall still as baked as ever. I was hoping I'd never have to see these losers again. After the break, we get recaps of that.

Match 4: Brian Kendrick/Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin vs. Amazing Red/Max Buck/Jeremy Buck​

This is a pretty badass match full of fun flippy shit... that doesn't last three minutes. They REALLY want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. Bucks do a cool spot where one hits a gutbuster, and the other goes in with a spinning neckbreaker that ends in a backbreaker. That's really fluid stuff, and doesn't look OTT like most Bucks stuff. That could easily be a finisher for another high flying tag team. Finisher when Kendrick punts Red in the fucking face and pins him... Red not looking good and... that's the British Invasion's music! They come in to beat down Red and Magnus tells Rob Terry to give the briefcase to Doug Williams to cash in!

Match 5: Amazing Red (c) vs. Doug Williams - Feast or Fired Cash-In Match for the X Division Championship​

Somehow, this isn't just a three count and done after Red looked to be dead. We don't even see the bell ring, he just comes back from the break in perfect condition. Do I have to say "say it with me" again? But Doug Williams does hit the Chaos Theory (which is a hell of a name for a rolling German Suplex) and gets the win. New X Division Champion - Doug WIlliams. Rob Terry is not happy with this result. Admittedly it would have been entertaining to see him perform in an Ultimate X, but not in a good way.

We see some unflattering footage of Jeff Jarrett stretching. And now even less flattering footage of Mick and Bischoff trying to work it out, which seemingly involves Mick telling a story of his child shitting in a play area tunnel. This apparently is for Mick to say that he hates his job working under Bisch more than the shit cleaner did. Bisch threatens Abyss and JB's careers if he doesn't stay in line. He and Hogan are supposed to be faces. Once again... Anyway, Bisch visits Ric and AJ's sexy party, which seems to be even tamer than Stewie Griffin's:



So yeah, Bisch is pissed at Ric but he can't do anything since the Nature Boy's contract was signed before the takeover. Then why are Mick, Abyss and JB at your mercy? Vacay is off because AJ has to defend at Against All Odds. Time for the main event, which isn't a qualifier for anything for some reason.

Match 6: Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Jarrett​

Anderson at least spares us the samey pre-match promo... oh wait, no he doesn't. Chorus of boos. Breathing sensually into the mic. Jarrett enters to no music whatsoever. He gets cheered. I cannot think of two men I want to see wrestle less right now. Actually, their styles don't clash too badly like we saw with Abyss, but it's a Jeff Jarrett vs. Mr. Anderson match. Both guys look slow. I'm looking around and see two people in the audience with Nasty Boys shirts. They're not the same people from last time. Face treatment for Jarrett is bizarre due to him never really being a face to my knowledge. Maybe it's just in comparison to this Hogan/Bischoff regime. Anyway, Anderson hits the Mic Check, wins, keeps beating on Jarrett, and announces his win. End of show. Ho hum.

That was... iffy, to say the least. I could do without so much bringing it all back to Hogan and Bischoff. Oh well. One month down, just... 27 to go?! This is going to be a long thread.

 

[Lover Boy]

TNA had so much potential

Always hated how prominent Hogan and Bischoff were around this time