Sky "enjoys" the TNA Immortal Era

[Deezy]

It was over as soon as Bischoff broke out a format sheet.

Also....Bret Hart won the supposed Monday night wars 2.0 single handedly.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Impact February 4, 2010 - No Cards, No Studs​

Hopefully the few days off will make me hate the product being presented to me a little less. Recap has Hogan and Bischoff debating why Mick Foley isn't fired, the screwjob angle, the Band invading our screens, Jeff Jarrett wrestling Mr. Anderson... Actually, nah, I have no investment in these. I'm somehow more invested in Team 3D vs. Nastys than any of this! And that's sad, when you're below the Nasty Boys in the hype pecking order. Episode title is "The Breaking of the Band". Gee, I wonder what's going to happen in this episode...

They really had a lot of pyro and needed to get a lot of use out of it before they expired, huh? Would explain the major fire hazard that goes on in the IZ before every show. 2 more tournament matches, and the World, Tag Team, and Knockouts Champions all wrestling, according to Tenay. They're probably going to do the thing where the main event is a 6-man tag involving the World and Tag champions. They did that a lot around this era. But first... qualifying matches! Hopefully the combatants are people I actually want to see...

Match 1: Brutus Magnus vs. Mr. Anderson - 8-Card Stud Tournament Qualifier​

Apparently not. "TNA" chants just at the start of Magnus' entrance, then boos after. They probably wanted to see Doug Williams instead. I notice as Magnus is stepping into the ring that he has an atrocious widow's peak. I used to have hair sort of like that. Anderson getting a mixed reaction, probably composed of cheers and go-away heat. I know which side I'm on. Taz actually providing insight about a wrestler's condition makes me sad that he was so awful most of the time when he could be so good on subjects like this. They really want us, once again, to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. Anderson apparently down to a knee because of the recoil of his move... when you could see he was down to a knee to taunt Magnus. Finish is Anderson breaking out of Magnus' finisher with an eye rake and hitting the Mic Check. You have to say you saw that one coming. What I didn't see coming was the extreme closeup on Anderson as he breathed into his dropped mic. Anderson ASMR? Do not want.

Foley showing up in a cheap car. Kurt Angle ignoring what's about to happen (his match vs. Tomko) to talk about Hulk Hogan, which is a microcosm of everything I've seen so far. Kurt calls Hogan out for engineering the Band's attack, and then screws up the "Fool me once" phrase. Hey, at least he didn't do as badly as George W. Bush (there's an old reference...) Match graphics reveal that I was wrong about the six-man tag thing, with the Tag champs actually defending, but it also reveals that Tara's Knockouts Championship was just photoshopped on.

Eric Bischoff out. Oh, fuck off. He can't even hide his smiling mug when he's here to talk business. Huge "Foley" chants, from people who actually want to see this feud continue. Who are they? Why? Pops for the real name of Buff Bagwell, but boos for Ultimate Warrior. I'm interested to know what possessed the IZ to take this stance. Mick calls Bisch the worst announcer in wrestling history. Taz name drops Mike Adamle, which makes me think three things:

1. Glass houses much, Taz?
2. Needless shot at WWE, again.
3. That's a reference that hasn't aged well, knowing that Adamle had early signs of dementia and CTE symptoms through his WWE run.

Anyway, Foley tells Bischoff that he doesn't belong here, talks about his non-rich cred, and baits him into shitting on JB... which Bisch certainly does. "JB" chant. An interviewer is more over than Mr. Anderson. The two have a dick-measuring contest in terms of their bestselling books. All of this is a very roundabout way of announcing that Foley and Kevin Nash have a no-DQ match tonight. I really do not want to see Mick Foley wrestle again, and neither does anyone else, but 2010 TNA was not in touch with what fans wanted. He ends with deranged ramblings of "Titty Tatty Titty Tatty!" Oh, fuck off again.

Cut to Abyss and JB watching backstage. I hate the way Abyss is acting. This is not the Monster, it's a wimp. Stop pulling your hair Chris, you look pathetic. Christy interviews Tara who appears to be modelling a damaged version of her official T-shirt. "Angelina Love is probably OK now" -Tara. Famous last words?

Match 2: Matt Morgan/Hernandez (c) vs. Team 3D (Brother Devon/Brother Ray) - for the World Tag Team Championship​

There's a guy with a "Bubba Army" sign in the Impact Zone tonight. I can only hope he means Brother Ray and not SpongeBob LovePants. Matt Morgan coming out in a cape. Remember when Morgan stole Hogan's cape, wore it to a few matches, and then forgot about it and got released? Devon looks as ripped as he's ever been at this point, which makes massively overweight Ray look much sadder. Finish has the Nastys coming to screw Team 3D so Ray can eat a Carbon Footprint, because you know, the tag team match you've already booked at Against All Odds shouldn't have any stakes or anything. Nastys beat on Team 3D with chairs until Morgan and Hernandez make the save. Hm, I guess they're faces. I didn't notice until now.

Match 3: Samoa Joe vs. Jesse Neal​

They recap Neal's TNA career, which is odd given that he's giving off jobber vibes. They mention the genuine impressive fact that he was a survivor of the USS Cole bombing, and Taz craps on that achievement by calling the Cole a "VINTAGE" ship. Not the time to take a shot at WWE. I'm glad Joe isn't going out with dumb tribal tattoos. Or that shitty mohawk he had for a while. They remind us that Joe is Mr. Feast or Fired, or something, and he wins in a squash, shouting out AJ on the way to hitting the Muscle Buster. This match gets the recap treatment, again, despite being a squash.

Christy runs after Hulk Hogan backstage, wants him to talk about Kurt Angle accusing him of the Band attack. He doesn't even know that Angle's said anything of significance. When even Hulk Hogan, who has had the product rebuilt around his ego, is checked out, it's sad. Also, Christy seems to hesitate before remembering that the name she has to call Sean Waltman is Syxx-Pac. Also also, she seems really scared on Hogan's behalf. Apropos of nothing, it's sad that Christy got injured before her time - I quite liked her work in the Rock and Rave Infection. Although she did have a terrible Tuxedo match with a big fat oily guy. Eh.

Match 4: AJ Styles vs. D'Angelo Dinero​

Money rain rating: not that lame. Tenay talks about an "amazing transformation" that AJ had. True, actually - the transformation was turning him heel and it's amazing that the idea got past creative. I really don't have much to say about this match because it's actually good! Pope looks great. Taz talks about meeting Pope at an "adult establishment", which makes me wonder why I haven't yet seen him flanked by beautiful women. Finish is totally unexpected, Pope with a small package following a suplex attempt! Wow. Who said TNA don't build their own stars? Are they doing the thing where the challenger gets a non-title win over the champ, so they get a title shot? Of course they're not, that would make the tiniest bit of sense.

AJ and Flair beat on Pope in the corner before Samoa Joe makes the save. Joe shit-talks Flair before announcing he's cashing in his Feast or Fired briefcase at Against All Odds. Why does anyone do this in the year (checks) 2010? Why? We've established that the best way to do it is when the champ is already tired! We literally saw that in last week's Impact! Anyway, Samoa Joe is a fucking idiot when he's a face and AJ is retaining. Spoiler alert! (I haven't checked the result, and somehow I know how it ends, because wrestling can be predictable sometimes.)

Angelina Love, who in hindsight, does not look as terribly as I've suggested in previous weeks, is next to get the backstage interview treatment. She calls the Beautiful People interference in advance, and suggests she was replaced by Lacey Von Erich. Even though she was actually replaced by Madison Rayne, with Lacey taking on Madison's old role. Then we go backstage to Kevin Nash and Eric Young - who is Global Champion, despite Eric Bischoff not knowing his name. Bisch gives Nash some notes on Foley, vaguely threatens to fire him when Nash calls him out on needing help when the Band need jobs, then leaves. Mick Foley gets a Christy interview, but doesn't say much. Abyss invades the interview to act like a loser. Let's move on to the match.

Match 5: Tomko vs. Kurt Angle - 8-Card Stud Tournament Qualifier​

It occurs to me that they are going to need to fill 4 slots next week. Taz gives away that Kurt Angle's going to be advancing - master of stating the obvious, is Taz. They still want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. Tomko gets decent offense, but ultimately gets fucked up and dies to the Ankle Lock. Then they recap the European tour for no good reason other than to fill in time. Hamada really was over, she got the individual-lettered sign treatment!

We get a recap of the Nash/Foley feud that started before the timeline of this thread. In which it's implied that the guy transferring between limos was Eric Bischoff. He was advertised, why did that have to be so mysterious? We go backstage to Hogan's office where Nash reminds us that he's wrestling Foley, and is asking him to give Hall and Waltman another chance. Hogan, in a rare sensible mood, basically tells him they're career poison and he should leave them alone. Nash doesn't back down. Recap of Angelina Love vs. TBP feud. We've got 2 matches to fit in to 13 minutes.

Match 6: Tara (c) vs. Angelina Love - for the Knockouts Championship​

Angelina comes out to new music that's not quite Papercut by Linkin Park. Fits the new aesthetic. Old entrance though, which Taz euphemistically calls "middle rope enjoyment". Match starts with a lot of locks, which aren't quite rest holds but might as well be. A lot of reversing of stuff into two-counts here, which I'm not complaining about. Notable wardrobe malfunction on Tara's part, which almost certainly no one will complain about. No standing moonsault. Finish is when a Widow's Peak is reversed by Angelina, and that reverse is reversed by Tara. TBP attack, and then Tara saves Angelina - rather more hesitantly than I'd expect.

We get a shot of Hall and Waltman, who both look stoned this time, outside the IZ. Kurt goes into Hogan's office - something I've seen far too often. He's already got the straps down. Hogan fucks up and calls Waltman X-Pac. Each of them say it's the other's fault for the Band attacking Kurt. Hogan in particular blames Kurt's temper, while Kurt is throwing a tantrum in front of him. I hate that I've agreed with Hogan twice during this episode. We've got literally five minutes to go, how will they fit this main event in? Let's find out, shall we?

Match 7: Mick Foley vs. Kevin Nash - No Disqualification Match​

Announcer mentions a 20 minute time limit - would be one hell of an overrun in that case. Nash slowly wheels out a shopping trolley full of weapons, and then wastes more time tossing them into the ring. His trash can and chair get fucked up by Foley's barbed wire bat. I'm pretty sure only one wrestling move is done in this match, and that's Nash's big boot for the win after Foley hesistates on hitting him with something, which turns out to be a picture of him and Abyss. The "Bubba Army" sign has moved a few yards since this episode began. Hall and Waltman show up from the crowd, and they're going to beat up... Kevin Nash? What? Taz is as bewildered as I am as the Band head out.

Overall thoughts? Firstly, so that's what "Breaking of the Band" meant. Second, this was surprisingly not terrible. Maybe it was the few days' break, but I didn't dislike this episode overall. Maybe because there was no Bubba the Broken Loofah or TAFKA Val Venis. Or maybe it's because there was less nonsense. It can't last. See you next episode for the go-home show to Against All Odds.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Impact February 11, 2010 - Band For Lyfe​

First thought is that it's been a month and they still haven't changed the "TNA Wrestling - Cross the Line" name bumper to include Hulk Hogan. Odd, considering that literally everything else has been rebranded around him. A much shorter than usual opening video focuses on (quelle surprise) Bischoff and Mick Foley, and the Band attacking Kevin Nash. Nothing about your current champion getting pinned clean by one of your up and coming stars? Nothing at all? Also, the guitar on the intro sounds a lot like Paralyzer by Finger Eleven. I only just noticed that.

Title is "Hulk's Moment of Truth", and apparently that moment of truth is happening first, as we hear the theme that's so obviously close to the nWo theme that WWE could have sued. Guy has a "4 Sides" sign. It appears to be the same guy with the "Bubba Army" sign from last week. Bischoff must be paying him. Anyway, Hulk does his usual "I totally love this company and I'm not trying to destroy it in or out of kayfabe", and gets TNA chants. Impact Zone is on lockdown apparently, to stop Hall and Waltman getting in. Why not go the whole hog, do that for Bubba the Sea Sponge, TAFKA Val Venis, the Nastys, etc? He then tries to deter them from entering by threatening to wrestle a match. Not gonna lie, it would work for me.

Hulk is interrupted in his ramblings by... Eric Young? Oh yeah, he was Kevin Nash's partner previously, so that's relevant. Big "underrated" chants for EY. Agreed. He insists Hulk doesn't know him, and Hulk "proves him wrong" with a list of achievements he could easily have got off Wikipedia. Including being the current Global Champ, which I'm pretty sure not even EY knows about. Hulk insists that Dixie Carter has been wining and dining him for a long time, which has disturbing implications. Then he basically goes to tell EY to beat the shit out of Hall and Waltman, but only do it outside. Two segments where Mick Foley is asking a producer the way to Eric Bischoff's office (you should know that, Mick! It's been your second home this past month!) and Hall and Waltman trying to get in (again). Is this Groundhog Day?

Match 1: Orlando Jordan vs. D'Angelo Dinero - 8-Card Stud Tournament Qualifier​

Jordan's not yet gotten his "sexual predator" gimmick, but he shouts "Simply The Greatest" into the camera, so maybe he's close to getting there? Pope's money rain rating: not bad. Even the commentators aren't acting like this result is in doubt, as Pope beat the champion last week. Tenay mentions they're totally about to come up with a ranking system soon. Pope way over. There's only going to be 6 qualifying matches, and Hogan and Bischoff are going to insert whoever they want afterward? Lame. Decent match which gets a good time, Pope wins with his corner running knees. Just what we'd expect, really.

Jeff Jarrett is in the office of mediocrity, where he's asking the Smiling Fucking Mug if he did OK, and he gets flattery back. I visibly cringed hearing Bisch talking. Jarrett asks for the handout slot in the tournament and Bisch says "nah, you gotta start from the bottom". Then he chuckles evilly.

Match 2: Suicide vs. Matt Morgan - 8-Card Stud Tournament Qualifier​

I go into this expecting a squash. Morgan has momentum and Kazarian is still in a mask for a gimmick to tie in to a video game that came out over a year ago. They really want us to watch TNA Epics featuring Sting later tonight. Morgan does a thing where it's sort of like a 619 but he just slides over the guy. Like that one that Pope did but I thought it was a botch. "That's why I'm the Blueprint" -Matt Morgan, mid-match. Yep, it was a squash, Morgan with Carbon Footprint in just over two minutes. It occurs to me that he could be drawn against his tag partner, Hernandez. And, for the maximum drama, that's what will probably happen.

Now it's Mick Foley's turn in that damned office set, and he basically agrees to enslave himself to Bisch as long as JB and Abyss are safe. That's a nice guy face move. Foley's being entered into the 8-Card Stud tournament... against Abyss, and if shenanigans happen, Abyss is getting forcibly unmasked. Boo, Bischoff! Boo! And, when I speak of the draw, apparently the bracket's already set up! Pope/Wolfe, Hernandez/Morgan (yep), Angle/Anderson, and Foley/Abyss...

And we go to that one same backstage set where Angle and Anderson are getting a joint interview. Anderson expects to carry Angle (LMAO) and says he's gonna win Sunday. Angle is apparently being depicted as a paranoid maniac who thinks everyone will screw him. Then Anderson ignores Christy's mic to produce his own mic. Does he have a flying drone above him that drops that thing wherever he goes? We catch up with Angle again where he insists EY shouldn't beat Hall and Waltman up. He really is paranoid, wow. Though, ultimately, he will be proven right. But for now, he just looks weird.

Match 3: Doug WIlliams (c) vs. Amazing Red - for the X Division Championship​

Seems they're throwing this rematch on the go-home show because it won't fit it in with the tournament going on. For the record, I like tournaments in wrestling. I just think they overbloat a card if they're all shoved into the same show. Anyway, can Red beat Williams when he's fresh? "USA" chants for Red, from a crowd who probably wouldn't recognise Puerto Rico as belonging to the USA if asked. Williams does a wheelbarrow faceplant-sitout powerbomb sequence, which looks cool. Then he does that hip-thrusting headscissors that (I want to say) Madison Rayne used to do. Red does a nice corkscrew senton (I think it was supposed to be a splash but he landed on his back) to the outside which gets a "That was Amazing" chant. I like Red. I'm sad he never got used to his full potential in this company. Finish is when Williams baits Red into diving to the corner and hits his Chaos Theory suplex. Fun match!

Video package tells us about the previous rivalry between Tara and Angelina Love, and the announcer says "Unforeseen Circumstances" in the most overly badass way ever. I want to pay a gritty announcer guy to say "Visa Issues". Tara and Angelina have to team vs. TBP, and they get the Christy interview treatment. Love wants to let bygones be bygones, despite starting a rivalry with three other women based on the past. These are apparently the faces.

Match 4: The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne/Lacey Von Erich) vs. Tara/Angelina Love - 3-on-2 Handicap Match​

Little subtitle for TBP says they plan to audition for "Jersey Shore", which reminds me of something that's going to happen eventually and amuses me. Angelina and Tara's entrances are boring by comparison. And we get our first appearance of SoCal Val in this thread, being asked by Tara to hold the spider. I like Val. She did a lot of media appearances for TNA back in the day when it was on Challenge in the UK. Very endearing sort of person. Velvet starts off by posing for Tara, who is unimpressed and sics Angelina on her. Heh. Lacey is actually not as terrible as she usually is, and does a sick moonsault into a standing elbow drop. That could be a finisher if it were on someone credible. TBP win after Angelina gets hit with the ugly stick, and then so does Tara.

Desmond Wolfe is a good promo, as we can see in this interview. He talks really smooth and makes poker analogies in a way that puts drunk!Jake Roberts to shame. It hurts that his career ended in the way it did. Wolfe does Mr. Anderson's thing better than Anderson ever did. Christy cracks up. Same. And he finishes off by sounding like a disturbing British gangster.

Match 5: Kurt Angle/Mr. Anderson vs. Desmond Wolfe/Hernandez​

Anderson addresses the Impact Zone as "imbeciles and mouthbreathers", which is a fair assessment if your sample size is just that one guy with the "BUBBA ARMY" and "FOUR SIDES" signs. Wolfe cheats and Hernandez pretends not to be happy. I guess these teams are both supposed to be face/heel? Dueling chants for Angle/Wolfe. Anderson distracts the referee... to prevent his team from winning?? Say it again with me... It doesn't have to make sense. Finish does indeed involve Anderson screwing Angle, making the blind tag after he hits an Angle Slam, dumping his partner out, and pinning a very dead Hernandez. You don't do that. That's just going to make Angle's trust issues worse.

Samoa Joe enters in a T-shirt, bashes AJ and then in particular Ric Flair. Joe doesn't like getting handouts because you're with an old guy. Agreed. The New Nature Boy look doesn't work with AJ, but he's a pretty good heel promo. "You kissed the ring of your new sugar daddy" -Joe. I really did not want to think about that. Ric Flair denies the crowd a fully-dressed Muscle Buster, because... sigh. We catch up with AJ backstage and Eric Bischoff says there's not enough impartiality in the match, so they can get a special guest referee... Bisch. God dammit. This could have been a decent match and you made this about you. Tenay and Taz remind us of the Against All Odds card.

Kurt Angle flips on Hulk Hogan, and Hulk says he doesn't want Kurt to beat them up... even though he wanted EY to beat them up. Back in the ring, Angle rants on Hall and Waltman, and then they show up, intoxicated as ever and beat on him. Hogan enters, acts all buddy-buddy with them, accepts brass knuckles from them... I thought Immortal wasn't supposed to start yet? Well, it was just an unnecessary SWERVE (that in hindsight makes it less shocking that Hogan turned later), as Hogan decks the Band with their own weapon. End of show. Actually not a bad showing aside from the Hogan/Bischoff bullshit.

Next up: Against All Odds

AJ Styles (c) vs. Samoa Joe - for the World Heavyweight Championship (Special Guest Referee: Eric Bischoff)
Team 3D vs. The Nasty Boys
Desmond Wolfe vs. D'Angelo Dinero - 8-Card Stud Tournament First Round
Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan - 8-Card Stud Tournament First Round
Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson - 8-Card Stud Tournament First Round
Mick Foley vs. Abyss - 8-Card Stud Tournament First Round​

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Against All Odds 2010 - Some Things That Are Odd, And Some Things I'm Against​

We start off with a cold open, which is unusual for a PPV. Ric Flair flips his shit incoherently about Bischoff inserting himself into the main event tonight... to Christy Hemme, who by all accounts cannot help him in this matter. She can't even stop getting her job taken over by Mr. Anderson and Bubba the Wank Sock, so why would she able to reverse the decision of someone who's effectively dictator of TNA at this point? Ric promises to drag Bisch around by his neck, then leaves Christy bewildered and traumatised, somehow even worse than that time Austin Aries put his dick in her face. Considering how unsound Ric is looking at the moment, I don't feel that's an overreaction.

Video package focuses on the 8-Card Stud tournament, where the overly badass announcer (I think the same one who overblew the words "unforeseen circumstances") painstakingly reminds us how an 8-person tournament works. I'm not surprised they stopped short of saying "two become one" because that makes it sound like there's going to be a live sex celebration. Then recap of AJ vs. Joe. Joe predicts a war of attrition. Considering that a war of attrition is one where it lasts far too long and the winner is the one who is completely exhausted second, I'd rather it not be. PPV theme song is Vegas-like funk as opposed to the usual hard rock - hm.

Match 1: Desmond Wolfe vs. D'Angelo Dinero - 8-Card Stud Tournament First Round​

A lot happening in the entrance. Commentators leer at Chelsea. "It's good to see her back - and her front as well" -Tenay and Taz, collaboratively. They mention this is TNA's first PPV to be available online, in which they they attempt to speak Spanish during Pope's entrance. Clasificación de la lluvia de dinero del "Pope": satisfactoria. Little white boy with a backwards baseball cap receives Pope's special glasses. He probably went to school the next day thinking he had the N-word pass.

We start off with Desmond Wolfe chants, and then boos. Talk about fickle. Or maybe those were "Let's go Pope" chants. It's hard to tell when about 1000 Floridians are shouting it at the same time. Pope clatters his neck against everything - the ropes, the corner, the ring itself .That can't be healthy. Both these guys look great though. Apparently that weird sliding into a rope hung opponent thing Pope does is called "Coronation". Nice name. Pope catches himself from a Wolfe catapult which looks super smooth, then sells a superplex like he died. He eventually wins with his DDE running knees.

We go backstage to Flair again, and he's finally in the Office of Mediocrity to scream at Bischoff. He calls himself GOD and I can't take my eyes of the poster in the back, which has Hogan's face looming over some actual wrestlers. Foreshadowing. Bisch claims he'll call it down the middle, which would be a first. Where is the face here? JB, not fired anymore, gets to interview Hernandez and Morgan. Morgan thinks they're fighting for bragging rights. Oh, and a title shot, which he seems to have neglected. It really drives home how tall Matt Morgan is when you see that he's a full head taller than his partner.

Match 2: Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan - 8-Card Stud Tournament First Round​

At this point I notice the rhythm guitar and drums to Hernandez' theme sound like the ones to Ink Inc's theme. They spend a lot of time countering each other's manoeuvres back and forth, which is the right story for this, Hernandez looks kind of sloppy, and between them they botch a crossbody. Taz tries to sell it as Morgan trying to catch him, despite that (1) this is the only instance where Morgan doesn't catch him, and (2) Morgan has straight up caught guys Hernandez' size from an attempted crossbody before. Taz calls Morgan "supercilious" (adjective - appearing to have a feeling of superiority over others).

Hernandez looks like he taps to a headlock but ref doesn't count it, then does the only good thing he did this match by lifting the 7ft 300lb Morgan for what feels like a year to suplex him outside the ring. Hernandez dives outside, fucks his shoulder, Morgan refuses to be counted like a face... then rolls him up with a handful of tights anyway?? Is that a Morgan heel turn? Who knows? Then he acts like nothing happened, though Hernandez doesn't look happy with Morgan. Morgan has more reason to look unhappy with his partner, given how badly he shat it in this match.

Video package recapping Styles screwing Angle twice in a row, including the Orlando Screwjob, and the Band invading themselves into it. It only reminds me how dumb the entire storyline is. Nobody comes out well from this, apart from Hulk Hogan. Maybe that's the plan. Oh wait, maybe Hogan doesn't come out well because he teased that heel turn for about 30 seconds. So, everyone sucks here, including me for watching it. Kurt apologises to Hogan via interview, who says he was proved wrong beyond doubt (he wasn't?? Last Thursday only introduced more doubt??). "I can walk and chew gum at the same time" -Kurt. Okay.

Match 3: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle - 8-Card Stud Tournament First Round​

Anderson botches the mic drop and insists it was intentional. I miss the cool tunnels in the Impact Zone. I think they must have thrown them out with the six-sided ring. Anderson's style is basically "generic WWE main eventer" which Angle is more than able to work around. Anderson very visibly blades Angle, and it looks nasty. After a far too long rest hold, Angle's back in with some nice suplexes. Anderson struggles to expose a turnbuckle, gives up, lets the referee repair it, then exposes another one. Throughout this match, Anderson counters the Angle Slam (by falling over) and the Ankle Lock (by kicking Angle off). He baits Angle into hitting the turnbuckle, then Mic Check for game. One of your genuine stars is losing to a WWE reject. Sad.

Speaking of sad, Bisch, Foley, and fake-Foley Abyss are in the office together. Bisch reminds them of the stip that Abyss gets unmasked if they underperform. Then he changes the match to no DQ and now insists the barbed wire bat has to be used. Oh hey, Foley can avoid being involved in wrestling moves again, which is for the best.

Match 4: Abyss vs. Mick Foley - 8-Card Stud Tournament First Round, No Disqualification Match​

Abyss hugs thumbtacks and looks worried. Match starts with mostly teasing hurting each other, then not hurting each other. "Use the bat" chants, which Abyss proceeds not to do. Mrs. Foley's baby boy really wants his own baby boy to use the bat though. Abyss insists on setting up the tacks and then chokeslamming away. Weird spot with Abyss trying to steal Mr. Socko. Foley eventually has the match won, but breaks it off for the bat, so Abyss looks like a fucking chump. This gets him chokeslammed on to the tacks for the Abyss win. Anderson/Abyss again. Yay...

Christy interviews the Nastys. Oh yeah, this match is happening. 15 years in the making, but no one ever thought to do this because no one wants to see Knobbs and Sags do anything in the ring. Knobbs admits they're only there because they're Hogan's friends. I admire the honesty. He seems to get winded through the interview. Not a good sign. Video package hyping this up as if it's anything that anyone wants to watch. That one promo they had was good though. Metallic clang added to Team 3D high-fiving their titles. I legitimately laughed.

Match 5: Team 3D (Brother Devon/Brother Ray) vs. The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobbs/Jerry Sags)​

Considering these teams' reputations and (in Nastys' case) fitness to actually wrestle, why isn't this a hardcore match? Crowd too bored to even boo the Nastys. The match... "bowling shoe ugly" is a term I've only heard used a few times, but it's appropriate for this. Nastys avoid being in the ring, thankfully. Ray tries to get the crowd into an impromptu performance of "We Will Rock You". Sags isolates Devon and cheats while Knobbs distracts the referee. Commentary points out Brooke Hogan. Ray kills a cameraman. Match is way too long. Finish should be when Devon heagbutts Knobbs right in his Knobbs and they catch Sags with the 3D, but Jimmy Hart gives Knobbs a motorbike helmet to hit Ray with. Let me just take a breath for a second.

Jimmy. Hart.

Jimmy Hart is on a TNA PPV, helping the Nasty Boys to win over Team 3D. Jesus, this really is a circlejerk of Hogan's friends. Maybe my prediction that Brutus Beefcake might show up wasn't too far off. I dread it. Anyway, Nastys win off the back of that screwy finish. "2D - Dumb and Dumber" -Hart. Maybe they got him in because neither of the Nastys can promo without being out of breath.

Backstage, we get Joe justifying his decision to announce that he was cashing in the briefcase like a fucking idiot by saying TNA needs a champion it can believe in. TNA's attitude to believable champions is pretty clear when they put TAFKA Val Venis, Orlando Jordan, Tomko, Suicide, and pre-personality Magnus in a world championship tournament qualifier. Joe seems to trust Bisch, not considering Bisch's history of stabbing men in the back and Joe's history of being stabbed in the back. "Samoan temper" -Bisch. That's racist.

Match 6: D'Angelo Dinero vs. Matt Morgan - 8-Card Stud Tournament Semifinal​

Pope's money rain rating: N/A. Seems prudent to not load it up for multiples in case he had lost in the opener. Another kid gets his shades. Morgan without his elbow pads - continuity! Pope continues to land on his neck a lot. Morgan continues to go for neck stuff including stepping on his throat, followed by him doing Pope's own Coronation on the top rope. He'd almost certainly have 3 with a fallaway slam but he stalled too long. Pope eats a huge spinning lariat like death. Morgan gets baited into a corner Carbon Footprint attempt, which of course gets him all set for the DDE. Taz doesn't believe in him at all, even though he had a relatively easy draw and more time to rest up and prepare than all of his opponents.

We get a backstage interview where JB has to humour Mr. Anderson while he gloats about "destroying" Kurt Angle. Jeez, I can't stand this guy no matter what his alignment. I don't know what I saw in him before. I admire JB for keeping a straight face, and I have no idea why he starts to talk again after Anderson has left, because he should surely know he's being set up for a surprise second "...ANDERSON!", A wide camera shot reveals that the backstage area JB was in is only separated from the ring area by a wall. Gonna be a hell of a sprint for Anderson to get all the way round there.

Match 7: Abyss vs. Mr. Anderson - 8-Card Stud Tournament Semifinal​

Sensible to let Abyss go on first in that case. 2010 TNA didn't realise you can make Abyss a face without losing his edge, it seems. Name on the back of Anderson's shirt says "ANDER". His father? Match is not as bad as the previous outing, though their styles still don't mesh very well. Nice spot where Anderson goes for a crossbody, bounces straight off Abyss, who gives an innocent little girl giggle... This is no longer a nice spot. Face Abyss continues to be dumb. Anderson works the knee, and then the mask. Finisher is Anderson breaking the chokeslam by pulling the mask to blind Abyss, then hitting the Mic Check. Hopefully Pope beats Anderson...

Christy interviews AJ and Ric Flair, and AJ openly hits on her. I didn't think it proper to comment on how great Christy looked when she was being chewed out by Flair, but yeah... She looks great every week. And she seems receptive to AJ. He wants to book a match against the Funks and Dusty Rhodes... don't give Hogan and Bischoff ideas please. Flair looks inspired by the phrase "Once in a Lifetime"... maybe he gave WWE the idea of Rock/Cena. Video package about Styles/Joe. Hogan shows up late (why??) and tells Bisch to get over his hate boner for Flair, which disappoints Bisch... Not so down the middle, huh?

Match 8: AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe - for the World Heavyweight Championship (Special Guest Referee: Eric Bischoff)​

Fan has a sign for Eric Bischoff. And it's not even spelled right. Tenay still can't believe the AJ heel turn. It's okay, neither can we. These two could absolutely have a great match if both used their full arsenal, which AJ won't because he's a heel. Joe knocks AJ down so hard he lands on his neck. Oof. "This is wrestling" chant for punches in the corner. Joe gets distracted by Ric too easily, and gets his knee hurt. Dueling chants, despite AJ being a heel. Not even the infamously easily-swayed Impact Zone fans can take AJ as a heel. They sell Bisch as unwilling to make a countout.

"I'll kill you, stupid Samoan" -AJ. So, this is what Ric apparently meant by telling AJ to be conservative with him? Bisch really delays on what looked to be 3 for Joe. AJ eventually needs to break out the sick stuff, like his springboard forearm and flippy DDT. Joe notably fails to drag AJ down for the Coquina Clutch, but converts it into a pretty looking suplex all the same. Taz approves. Flair distracts Bisch despite him having had ample opportunity to eject Flair throughout this match. Which costs Joe the title. Joe drags him in only to eat a Pele and Styles Clash. Extremely slow count. AJ retains. Fuck this.

They inexplicably recap all the tournament matches before going back to the second interview with Mr. Anderson. Christy gives the camera a look at one point and I'm not sure if it's "really?" or bedroom eyes. "I'll make this short and sweet" -Anderson, for the first and only time. "Send Pope back to the Harlem street corner where he came" -also Anderson. Unfortunate implications? Then we get a promo from Pope, which is interrupted when Hall and Waltman beat him up. Then they call out... Hogan?? I've got a bad feeling about this.

Pope doesn't even get his entrance video, which probably reveals that they've given up on the possibility of him coming in successfully. Anderson enters fine though.

Match 9: D'Angelo Dinero vs. Mr. Anderson - 8-Card Stud Tournament Final​

Anderson tries to get Pope counted out, but runs out to meet him while he's finally hobbling to the ring, which breaks the count and defeats the purpose of doing that. Anderson looks even more awkward in the ring than usual, which seems even worse when he's doing most of the moving. Terrible-looking chinlock after terrible-looking chinlock. Pope does a DDE to the chest, which somehow doesn't get a pin while the one to the back does. Anderson calls down his mic, grabs his dick, announces himself as a winner, before hitting the Mic Check. Pope kicks out?! Finish is when Pope finally rallies and gets the DDE! Pope's the number one contender! Finally, a good booking decision! One final money rain. Pope's money rain rating: cathartic.

Overall thoughts? Not as bad as Genesis was, but that is not difficult. Sadly, I absolutely know that there is worse to come in terms of PPVs. See you on Impact.

 

[Chris]

Anderson/Dinero main eventing at least it wasn't old folks I guess

 

[NotBrutus]

PPV sounded terrible. I approve of the main event, I’m a Pope and Anderson fan, though I wish it was booked differently.

Forgot the Nasty Boyz had a TNA match

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Impact February 18, 2010 - 52 Pickup​

First show back from Against All Odds, with some things that were decent and some things that were The Nasty Boys in the ring in 2010. Speaking of that second category of things, we cold open to Eric Bischoff making a call, teasing a new E-ject coming over, and then says to no one in particular "Let the games begin!" We recap the things that went down in Against All Odds, in the usual style of "mix between inconsequential microclips and shaky stills" that TNA seemed to love around this time. Then we get a recap of Dixie's announcement... that Impact is moving to Monday nights starting March 8. Now, that's something I want to talk about.

The "New Monday Night Wars", as some optimistic people called it. The "Monday Night Massacre", as was more accurate. For me, it has to be one of the most damaging moments in the history of American wrestling. The entire Hogan/Bischoff era is a textbook case of trying to go too big too quickly, but these couple of months when they were on Mondays is a microcosm of the whole problem. Having stripped out huge parts of their identity to approach what they thought was mainstream appeal (i.e. WWE-lite), they chose to compete against a show that was doing what they were doing, but better and also with more brand recognition. They only came out more damaged, and that was the nail in the coffin for any company that wanted to compete on any level with WWE's monopoly. The closest we've come is NXT vs. Dynamite on Wednesday, which was actually a counter-programming tactic by WWE itself.

So yeah, that's my thoughts on "Dixie, Hogan and Bischoff Screw It Up For Everyone". "The ride's getting ready to really take off now" -Hogan, who should have added "off a cliff" to that sentence. Now to this week's Impact. Show title is "Lord of the Ring". I get a horrible feeling about what storyline is going to be introduced this week, and if you know anything about 2010 Impact, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Still, at least the Pope is #1 Contender, and we open with him entering while the announcer's mic fails to turn on until midway through the call. Pope's money rain rating: pleasing.

Pope is way over, and he's doing the typical "face who won something" promo. Brief "Pope is Pimping" promo but it's drowned out by Pope misnaming everyone. Deliberately? Or is he becoming an R-Truth clone? He insists he'll get his title shot at Lockdown, forgetting that there's another PPV in between. AJ enters to Ric Flair's music. Ric shows off his clothing and assumes Pope is dumb and illiterate. He then instructs AJ's shoulder women to kiss him. Pope has a lot of charisma, but so has Ric, so this entire segment is just a fun old time. Goes into a brawl where Pope punches AJ, but the 2 take control over the 1 and AJ proceeds to work Pope's ankle, first with a steel chair and then with the Figure 4 (with Ric feebly assisting by pulling on Pope's arms).

After the break, we recap, and Tenay reminds us of the Monday move.

Match 1: Tara vs. Daffney​

Fuck yeah, Daffney! She's really unique among the current Knockouts, so it's good to see her get a runout on TV. Her entrance routine looks nice too. Commentary tells us a former champion is returning. By the vagueness of "former champion", that could be any one of such luminaries as Michael Shane, Simon Diamond, Joe E. Legend, or Adam "Pacman" Jones. Yes, I did look up title histories for that line. Mix of "Tara/Daffney" chants - even though Daffney is both a heel and probably never won a match, she's way popular. Tara avoids a wardrobe malfunction when she throws her shirt into the crowd. Tara wins by DQ when Daffney whacks her with a toolbox. I hope this ends in a feud. More Daffney on TV is a good thing. Tara gets steeled until Dr. Stevie (wow, there's someone you don't see often) deals with Daffney.

We go to the office of mediocrity, where Mick Foley has a meeting with Bischoff while two people watch. Foley grovels about the bat, but Bisch disingenuously says he's going to do something for Mick. The two people (Jacqueline and Patrick, we learn) measure him up for something. This is a wrestling show. He's gonna get a "Mick Makeover". Wrestling. When Foley's gone, Bisch goes back to wrestling, and calls for Abyss, rather angrily. We go backstage, where Kevin Nash has arrived. Is this the former champion? I hope not.

Match 2: Orlando Jordan vs. Samoa Joe​

Orlando inches closer and closer to his bisexual predator gimmick by coming out with a man and a woman, while the commentary tries their hardest to mean "bisexual" without saying it. Joe enters late because Bisch is giving him a pep talk. Joe fucking destroys Orlando at the beginning. Crowd is hot for him. Bisch shows up to watch Joe again, and he gets distracted and loses his momentum, which starts to let Orlando into the match. He eventually beats Joe with a top rope backstabber, and crowd hates this. Genuinely hates.

Pathetic wimp loser Abyss is being consoled by JB over what Bischoff is going to do, and when we return from the break, he's back in the office of mediocrity. Bisch is pisched over Abyss not using the bat, to which the non-Monster insists that it's fine because he used the thumbtacks. Abyss runs away like a pathetic waste. Christy invades the locker rooms to interview Eric Young, who talks about Kevin Nash and calls out Hall and Waltman. He's a decent promo. We're reminded of Monday nights before Bisch brings the barbed wire bat to Jeff Jarrett. He's got a match with Abyss, and Bisch wants him to use the bat. He warns Jarrett to stop reminiscing about the good old days (glass houses much?).

Match 3: Doug Williams/Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin/Brian Kendrick vs. Amazing Red/Max Buck/Jeremy Buck/Kazarian​

A rematch from the January 28 edition, but with a man added to each side. Kazarian's the former champ who's returning tonight? Nice! Good to see him detached from the Suicide gimmick. Bucks do a cool spot where they take Kendrick down, do a backflip and stereo dropkick him. Everything they do looks so fluid, it's not fair. "Legends = Ratings" sign from the crowd. I really hope that's a plant. We're reminded that Destination X is coming up. Oh yeah, there was a time when that was the March PPV and Victory Road was in July. "TNA" chants for a genuinely very cool Bucks spot. I don't know what it is about 2010 Bucks that appeals to me. Chaotic with bodies everywhere, holy shit. Kaz wins with the Slingshot DDT.

Abyss being a coward but a ref informs him of his match... I hate this Abyss. His character was always kind of cheesy, being a huge Kane ripoff, but the fact that he's now a Mankind ripoff with 0% of the appeal is painful. It makes me pine for what I know is about to come soon...

Match 4: Abyss vs. Jeff Jarrett​

Jarrett still entering with no music. He's really doing well here, putting in good offense, flowing well, and being over as a face. How bad have things gotten that I'm liking Jeff Jarrett? Abyss gets an indirect chair shot in but doesn't get DQ'd. Bisch comes out to watch, and really wants to see the bat get used. Jarrett has the match won with him hitting a corner Stroke so Abyss' head goes through a steel chair (not DQ'd), and Bisch isn't happy so he brings in some goons (Homicide, Rhino, Raven, Tomko, and for some reason Desmond Wolfe) to kick both their asses. No contest. Hogan stops the goons from unmasking Abyss, and drags him back to the office of mediocrity... We get a short clip of security taking Abyss there.

Match 5: The British Invasion (Brutus Magnus/Rob Terry) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)​

Apparently Rob Terry is the Global Champion. He won that on the Cardiff stop of the UK tour, apparently. Didn't EY mention still being the champion in a later episode than that? Nice to see Beer Money appearing again. They're good wrestlers, but the two members of British Invasion appearing today, well... they aren't. This is mercifully short, ending with a DWI on Magnus (which looks nasty around his neck region). We get a short promo segment where Magnus talks shit to Terry, despite Magnus being the only one not a singles champion at the moment, and teases a feud with him over the Global Championship. Terry decks him. A feud that makes sense storywise, but that will not lead to good matches.

It's time for the Abyss meeting! Hogan is chewing out pathetic Abyss, and tells him what I'm thinking: that nobody wants to see pathetic Abyss anymore. Hogan's trying to focus on what makes the Monster strong, and tells him "YOU WILL NEVER SHAKE/COWER". Then he gives him - exactly as I'd expected - his WWE Hall of Fame ring. Yes, it's the magic ring storyline! This gets Abyss riled up, with the promise of being as strong as 10 Hulk Hogans, and I can honestly see why people could have been optimistic about this. Old Abyss is back! Why wouldn't this be good?

Match 6: Kurt Angle vs. Daniels​

It's good to see Daniels back. A few returning names that I'd rather see than either of the Nasty Boys. TNA didn't understand this. He's getting jobbed out to Angle, though. Angle with a stitched up head - continuity! They really want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. Daniels gets early offense, but Angle takes quick control and taps him out to the Ankle Lock in about a minute. It took longer for me to type this paragraph so far than it did for Daniels to lose. Sigh. Why couldn't they do this to a jobber who doesn't have a future? The Artist Formerly Known As Val Venis, perhaps? Have they forgotten that Daniels main evented the last two pre-Hogan PPVs?

Angle takes up the mic. Calls out Anderson for blading him with a dog tag that a soldier from Iraq gave him. They really are leaning into the all-American face thing. Does that make Anderson al-Qaida? He makes things drop from the sky, at least. "When you spit on me, you spit on the USA" -Angle, forgetting how the USA spat on someone else last month on Impact. Anderson gets to show up and mean "death to America" without saying it, because hahahahaha can you imagine if I was like that? I have to amuse myself somehow while listening to Anderson's samey promos. Anyway, Angle charges Anderson but gets pummeled by a mic shot. This really is continuing, huh? Sigh.

JB tries to get some info out of Samoa Joe. Anything, anything at all. Suddenly, a white van charges up and a bunch of balaclava ninjas come back and stuff Joe into the back! Yay, it's this moment! This week's Impact is really stacked up with the legendary crap moments, between the magic ring and this. Tenay and Taz give the whole matter about 15 seconds of thought before giving up. Kevin Nash and Eric Young out, Nash calls out Crosby and Stills Hall and Waltman while in a staring contest with the cameraman, Drunk and Drunker enter from the crowd, and they brawl a bit before they're divided by security. Why did this end the show? Angle/Anderson would have been fine to close off! Or even the ninja cliffhanger!

Overall thoughts? So much potentially good stuff, but so much infuriating stuff too. Sums up this era of TNA really. See you next Impact.

 

[Kiffy Lube]

Just catchin' up on the thread. Not surprised they just buried Daniels in that main event. However, the other stuff on that Impact sounded like a decent follow up to a PPV... which to be fair TNA was always really good at. They'd have a shit PPV and then the next show some interestin' stuff only to completely blunder it in the weeks to come.

And yeah Abyss really had some terrible angles. I usually found someway to enjoy them though and then when Joseph Park turned up I was even more of a fan. I loved that character.

 

[Deezy]

Hogan used a copyrighted image on this show.....lets you know how much fucks Vince gave by not suing them.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Impact February 25, 2010 - Lord of the Rings​

Oh hey, we're back to this again! I wonder what the followup will be to the shock angle of Samoa Joe being kidnapped by balaclava ninjas! I hope that will get a resolution! For those of you who don't know, this is the one that was the subject of the Spoony video where he loses his shit over the space of an hour. If you want a bit of fun and more of an in-depth and indignant look at this show, you can watch this after you're finished with my writeup.

One story that's definitely getting followed up on, judging by the cold open, is the Abyss magic ring affair. Abyss still has a bit of his wimpy edge, but he's showing off Hogan's Hall of Fame ring to some lower carders. Including one of the Bucks and Jay Lethal. Small bit of fantasy booking - maybe Abyss' Hoganisation at the hands of the magic ring brings out something of a reaction in "Black Machismo" and they have a match imitating Hogan/Savage from WrestleMania V. Knowing TNA, though, they'd fuck it up and they'd imitate Hogan/Savage in one of their sad, strange WCW matches.

Of course, our opening recap involves the magic ring storyline, and Hogan and Bischoff's fight for custody of Abyss' broken down, crushed credibility. Title is "Rage over the Ring", which... oh no, does that mean someone's going to steal the ring? I was hoping this would just be an affair of Abyss being badass again. It's at this point I notice that the lighting fixture above the Impact Zone ring is still six-sided even if the ring isn't. Taz announces a match featuring Mr. Anderson, and he drops a delayed second "Anderson" after the graphic is off-screen and AJ Styles' entrance music is blaring over it. Still more entertaining than anything Anderson has done.

Yeah, AJ is entering, and thankfully not to Flair's music this time. He looks like a rich douchebag. Maybe the turn is working for him after all. Pope injured by that opening segment apparently. "You placed your stelf" -AJ. Crowd becomes significantly louder when Ric Flair takes up the mic. "Gave his Hall of Fame ring to the Abyss" -the Flair, accompanied by the AJ Styles. That was the only thing I could make out from yet another incoherent promo. Except when he called Abyss "The Abyss" another couple of times.

Abyss enters... to American Made! That's such a cool and delightfully cheap thing! I smiled. Ric flips his shit though, calls Abyss pathetic... he's living in last week, he's so fucked up. They bully him, Abyss looks sad, then he burns Ric. AJ flips, and says he wants to remove the ring... the ring that his manager said had no value? The fuck? Abyss looks like he's about to hulk up, but Hogan himself enters the ring. Styles/Abyss match being set up? Fine, but please don't let Hogan and Flair get in the ring. Hogan disses AJ, and AJ runs when it looks like a fight will break out. Ric says he's going to get that ring (which he said had no value) on AJ's finger. Say it again with me... it doesn't have to make sense!

We return from the break when Mick Foley makes his way in, apparently not a happy bunny. We get another run-down of the matches tonight and a recap of the opening segment. Nasty Boys' theme hits, and they enter with Jimmy Hart who is for some reason a part of this story. Hart still has that helmet. What a lame weapon, a helmet. Can't they think of anything better?

Match 1: Team 3D (Brother Devon/Brother Ray) vs. The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobbs/Jerry Sags) - Tables Match​

Luckily, Ray and Devon enter with something that's actually relevant to the match: a table. It probably won't stop Devon being asked to get one at some point in this match. They start fighting on the ramp. We're informed that Knobbs, barely in any condition to bump, somehow got a dislocated shoulder at Against All Odds. Probably from eating a burger. We're reminded of the upcoming Monday Night Mistake. "We will dominate" -Taz, in his worst call yet. Finish comes when Jesse Neal (oh yeah, he's here too!) shows up, takes the helmet off Hart and hands it to Ray, so Knobbs can eat a helmet shot and Sags can eat a 3D through the table. The right finish. Now, put this feud to bed forever.

Mick is in the office of mediocrity pissed at Bischoff for having set him up with a fake shopping trip so he couldn't protect Abyss. Turns out his trademark paranoia is justified for once. Bisch says "it's fine, Abyss has got the ring, and I caused this to happen so yay me." He's apparently this much of a self-serving prick in real life which is why this works. Bisch claims that Foley's just trying to drive him off. No. That would be the fans. Foley's gotta wear a suit too. My mind went to "tuxedo match" and filled with dread.

Match 2: ODB vs. Daffney​

Both of them getting pops despite technically being heels. "Let's go Daffney/ODB" dueling chants. Why are you not pushing these women, TNA? Why is Angelina Love most recently competing in a face vs. face feud for the championship? Entire match is obscured by a dumb split screen where Tara is cutting a promo on Daffney, just as if to say "Here's our champion, stop caring about these two". Finish is much like the Tara match where Daffney uses a foreign object to get DQ'd (this time working ODB's knee with steel steps and a mop) before Dr. Stevie carries her off. Why did they do this? It just makes Daffney look worse without making ODB look better.

We get some Continuity~! as JB interviews Hernandez and Matt Morgan (wow at that forced perspective to make JB look tiny next to Morgan) about the finish of the Against All Odds match where Morgan took a handful of tights. Both insist rather confrontationally with JB that their relationship is OK, and Morgan claims they agreed they would cheat. We get a brief shot of Hall and Waltman fucking around backstage.

Beer Money are out here, and they're making speeches about being underappreciated. These guys are both good talkers, and that shines through clearly. Guy in the crowd has a sign with the standard "kid pissing on something" logo with TNA and WWE. Bonus for arts and crafts. Big boos for the idea of putting James Storm on the sidelines, which I understand. It's very clear that these two will be talented on the singles circuit in the future. Hernandez shows up and like a good guy face, offers to head to the office of mediocrity and ask to give Beer Money a title shot. I get the feeling this does not end well.

Backstage interview with Kevin Nash and Eric Young, where both of them really want to beat the shit out of Hall and Waltman. They're going to shoot for TNA's highest rated segment by doing this - it'll only get that high if you have Dixie Carter herself come on screen and confirm that no, they will never come back. Back in the garbage office, Jeff Jarrett is understandably pissed at Bisch for bringing the entire lower card to beat him up for not using the bat. Bisch offers an olive branch. At what point is Jarrett supposed to believe that this is in any way sincere? Thankfully he doesn't. This gets a video package.

Bischoff out, getting treated like the career heel he is. He strokes his own egotistical cock and brings out Jarrett... who has his music, tron and pyro back! The theme really doesn't work for a face, and never has, but it's good to hear it again. Bisch continues to masturbate verbally on screen, and then reveals... it was a ruse! He didn't mean it at all and in fact Jarrett is getting sent to catering! He looks stupid in a hairnet with a spatula. Matt Morgan is annoyed at Hernandez for giving a title shot to an actual good team without consulting him. Communication is a key to a healthy relationship.

Match 3: Brian Kendrick vs. Kazarian - X Division Championship Number 1 Contender's Match​

Kendrick enters to a really shitty performance of the "Summer thunder" part of the Four Seasons. That is not a theme that gets me hyped for what Brian Kendrick is about to do. Dueling chants between one guy saying "Brian Kendrick" and everyone else saying "Let's go Kaz". "We want Bubba" says a sign in the crowd. Is it the same guy bringing out pro-Bubba the Ass Wipe signs each time? I hope so. I hope there's not more than one of them. Kaz does a cool slingshot leg drop. They split screen to a replay of Samoa Joe being kidnapped by balaclava ninjas - I'm surprised they haven't made more of this. Taz has apparently called Joe on the Gonna-Kill-You Hotline; no answer. This takes away from the fun flying stuff, which Kaz wins the Flux Capacitor.

Interview with Abyss, who is super fucking hyped and ready to beat people up. I like this Abyss better than weak wimp Abyss, as you may be able to tell. Bizarre video package about the history of the Legends/Global championship. Interview with Mr. Anderson, who it was already announced has a match against Rob Terry for that title. Anderson spurns Christy's mic for his own and then talks to her like she's five. His mic is entirely too sensitive throughout. Kurt walking ringward for some reason, then Magnus tells Rob Terry to not be a dick to his teammates or else he'll get dicked on.

Match 4: Rob Terry (c) vs. Mr. Anderson - for the Global Championship​

Wow, it's the first time I've taken in a match for TNA's tertiary title in this thread. Rob already has separate music from the British Invasion. Anderson is doing his overlong pre-match promo, talking about a dog tag he got from a Vietcong soldier, when Kurt Angle emerges from his special trapdoor, and does what I've thought of doing recently - hits Anderson with a chair. Terry hoists Anderson on his shoulder, brings him to the ring, and pins him with a running powerslam. This was actually a cool angle even if it does nothing for the title.

Jeff Jarrett is seen flipping burgers - there's a pink baseball cap hung up there. Why? Did Jarrett refuse to wear it? Mick Foley's also seen backstage, doing that weird limping walk he always does, in a long coat. Not revealing the suit? We get a video package about the history of the Band, as if we needed a painful reminder, and a reminder that Bubba the Adjective Noun still exists. If this is getting hype like a match would, do I count it as a match? Fuck it, let's go.

"Match" 5: Kevin Nash/Eric Young vs. Scott Hall/Syxx-Pac - Unsanctioned Backstage Brawl​

"Highlights" include:

• Hall landing a pipe shot to the knee offscreen (where he might as well have just stood there bewildered while Nash fell to the ground, because he does not seem coherent enough to use a pipe)
• Waltman selling a thing that's large but not very heavy to the head, and selling it quite well
• Nash playing no on-screen part in this brawl
• Young getting "4 LYFE" sprayed on his back (or something, I genuinely cannot tell, Waltman's canmanship is atrocious)

Update: Jarrett is still in catering, cutting onions. Or he's crying at the state of his company. Who knows? Back in the office of mediocrity, Bischoff is taking a shot at WWE over the phone (though, to be fair, the guest host era was a bit shit). Foley shows up and reveals his suit, which has a mustard stain (apparently a spit take from when Jarrett was doing catering; if you're gonna spit out your mustard at something, it should be the fact that the Nasty Boys and Scott Hall are still here). Foley's apparently gonna get etiquette classes too.

Match 6: Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe​

Abyss' new entrance theme is his usual theme edited to transition into American Made, which is fun! I like it! Wolfe applies a stretch that looks like it's trying to take off the mask... sorry, didn't you get the memo? The power is in his ring now. Wolfe, like an idiot, tries to suplex a 6 foot 8, 350 pound guy. They really want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. Of course, Abyss takes control, and of course, he wins (but with the Black Hole Slam. Why not go the whole hog and use a leg drop?).

We then get a 3-on-1 with AJ, Flair, and Wolfe vs. Abyss, which seems to have no effect until Wolfe pulls out a chair. This drags for about a minute until Hogan shows up! It becomes 3 on 2, but the heels still have the advantage, and God fucking dammit, Hogan's shirtless and bumping. I hate this, I hate this... Abyss gets handcuffed but he breaks out with special Hogan powers, and chases the heel squad off. Hogan cuts a promo, and reveals Ric Flair's coming out of retirement... for the Monday Night Impact, where it's Hogan/Abyss vs. Flair/Styles. Makes sense in a storyline perspective, but not in an actual logical perspective. I'm dreading getting to March 8.

We're done? Okay, here's the Spoony video.

 

[Chris]

God dam I remember being so excited for 2010 TNA and this thread is just showing me how it all goes to shit so fast lmao. At least 2012 summer was a lot of fun tho but you got a lot to watch to get there

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Impact March 4, 2010 - March Forth Into Mondays​

Here we have it. What TNA would have hoped would be the last ever Impact on a Thursday night. They've hyped something for the Monday (Hogan and Flair in the ring, God help us all), but nothing for tonight. They really are treating this as a throwaway transition week, huh? We get no cold open this time, but a recap that focuses on the magic ring stuff again. "I look at you and I wanna puke" says Sky about Ric Flair Ric Flair about Abyss. Episode's title is "Never Say Never", and I'd be quite amused if they decided to open with the Justin Bieber song. It wouldn't be released for another three months, though. It was really that old? As well as the Karate Kid movie? I feel old.

AJ and Flair enter with two shoulder women each. Flair implies that the women are talent and AJ fucked them all, then claims they want to give back to Hulk Hogan and TNA. In comes Hogan with the newly invigorated Abyss; I hear the sound of a bell ringing, and I fear for my love of wrestling a little. "I want a peaceful conversation", the Nature Boy lies, then he offers Hogan one of the shoulder women. Hogan claims he doesn't need anything Flair's offering him (including a bottle of Viagra? Flair is wrestling and you say he needs Viagra? What the fuck). Hulk had promised he wouldn't wrestle, which should tell everyone in the company that you shouldn't trust Hulk Hogan. This match really is about old Hogan vs. old Flair, not new Hogan vs. new Flair, which is a mistake.

Flair continues to be a gibbering old man, claiming he's happy to ruin his retirement just to beat Hogan on national TV. It's not worth it, Ric. Don't do it. AJ tells the old man to quit it (Hogan, not Flair, sadly). "You're gonna sacrifice the very prestigious name of Hogan" -AJ, to a man who already sacrificed the very prestigious name of Hogan on a reality show. "Four days, we're gonna do it Nature Boy like" -Flair. They're about to go, then Bischoff shows up and says "Not! Quite! So! Fast!" to the beat of his theme. He books a match for AJ - a four-way title match vs. Abyss, Pope, and Wolfe? Maybe this isn't a throwaway match after all. And Desmond Wolfe not being buried this time? Hm.

While I notice Abyss' new render has him holding out the ring, JB interviews Wolfe and Chelsea. Wolfe insults JB's penis, quotes the Sound of Music and says the word "bollocks" on TV. But he bigs up Ed "Strangler" Lewis and Lou Thesz, which is a face move in my book. He also highlights the fact that AJ can lose the championship without getting pinned, which he could parlay into a feud. Good idea. Chelsea wants Abyss' ring, and I agree, if only because I want to see her Hulk up. Back in the office of mediocrity, Bischoff takes a shot at the XFL (which is in the exact middle of its "not existing" phase as of 2010) before Jeff Jarrett arrives and is tasked with cleaning toilets. I didn't know how much I'd dislike seeing Jarrett treated like this until I saw what the alternative was.

Match 1: Matt Morgan/Hernandez vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) vs. Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck)​

Non-title tag team showcase, which is more the sort of thing you'd think they would save for next week. MCMG do a really cool sequence which ends in a dropkick for Sabin, but it came too fast for me to focus on the rest. Bucks use aerial moves to work Shelley's arm, which is the most Bucks thing ever, then they do a rope neckbreaker/slingshot senton double team. I genuinely like watching these two. They really want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. Selling friction between Morgan/Hernandez after Morgan blind tags in. He double chokeslams the Bucks, then eats a Last Call so Beer Money can win. At this point it's pretty obvious that Morgan/Hernandez are breaking up at Destination X, which I'm fine with.

Bisch has got TAFKA Val Venis and Slick (the referee, not the long time WWE manager, surprisingly) in his office. Come to think of it, "Slick Johnson" would be a great name for a porn star gimmick. Why didn't anyone ever think of that? Bisch books Jeff Jarrett vs. Baldy McPeen in a falls count anywhere match. He talks about finding Jarrett in the men's room, which I really don't think is the right genre. Who knows? Maybe Worse Joey Ryan has a past like Lars Sullivan did. Just for good measure, we get an extended look at Jarrett mopping up.

Kurt Angle is now talking to Hogan, telling him not to wrestle and let Kurt beat the shit out of Ric Flair, but Hogan, who was previously convinced he shouldn't wrestle, insists he has to wrestle. We get a package for Mick Foley's etiquette school, where it's disappointingly not played for the potential humour of an "etiquette school" segment. Seriously, I was stone-faced throughout. Slick and Greg McGangbang enter the men's room to find Jarrett, Slick makes a bell sound and... wait, this is the match isn't it?

Match 2: Jeff Jarrett vs. TAFKA Val Venis - Falls Count Anywhere Match​

I thought Falls Count Anywhere was supposed to, at the very least, start in the ring. This is basically an extended beatdown, but it counts as a match because Bischoff approves. The man who's said hello to more ladies than most people have, works Jarrett's shoulder with wall and door, then goes for the pin. Slick does the count, but also is the ring announcer... wasn't Slick briefly a corrupt referee for Madison Rayne once, but they forgot about it? I mention this because it appears he's a heel.

Christy interviews Pope, and in the process cannot stop checking him out. But that's just Christy's interview style. Pope insists that he's back from injury (despite being barely able to walk last week), calls them "Dick Flair" and "Arthur Styles" again, implies he's not fully recovered after all, and hypes himself up as usual. Video package focuses on the fractured British Invasion, which is a pretty by-the-numbers story, but by-the-numbers is a revelation when your head booker is Vince Russo.

Match 3: Doug Williams vs. Rob Terry​

And here we witness Doug trying to wrestle a stiff brick wall into a good match. "Bo-hemoth" -Taz. Rob lifts Williams over his head but makes the ensuing slam look like a gentle lowering. Doug tries to go for cool shit like his leg lariat, but Rob picks up the win with a chokeslam. That was... around a minute. Way to bury the X Division as a whole, and weeks before the night where the X Division will shine. After the match, Brutus Magnus shows up and teams up with Williams to beat down Terry. So, is Terry a face now? And are we going to see Magnus wrestle Terry? Ugh, please no on both counts.

We go back to a medic's office, where Jarrett is being tended to, but Bischoff shows up and tells the very injured Jarrett "Back to work!". I don't know if we were supposed to be surprised when Bisch turned out to be a heel trying to become dictator over the company, but they've laid it on so thick and obvious that maybe not. Jarrett flips his shit. Another etiquette school package (which is similarly unentertaining to the first), and we get a video package about Angle vs. Anderson. We did see Angle approaching the ring recently, so...

Angle enters as we expected... but that's not Angle at all. It's Mr. Anderson, with ring gear mocking Angle's, complete with a dish tray that says "Loser" around his neck. He pretends to be a deluded, injured old man who keeps breaking his neck and only plays to jingoism in order to get the crowd behind him... why is he only entertaining when he's not being himself? The real Angle shows up and tries to deck Anderson, but he gets a soft drink to his face and the Asshole gets to hit him with his own Angle Slam. This is actually not a bad feud, by Anderson standards. Hopefully they can be patient enough to wait till Lockdown.

Hogan is met by Abyss, where he lets a little bit of his pathetic loser side out and says how he idolised Hulk Hogan in his childhood. Did Abyss have a normal childhood? Does that even go with the lore? What the fuck? And does that imply that Father James Mitchell put his dick in a normal woman? That definitely doesn't fit with the lore. Anyway, Abyss really wants Hogan not to wrestle, but Hogan, who had promised he wouldn't wrestle last week, is continuing to defend his decision. Stubborn fuck.

Someone has a Velvet Sky sign in the crowd (good for them) and that makes a good segue into a video package discussing the Beautiful People's feud with Angelina Love, and a short clip from earlier today where they ambushed her on a photo shoot and Velvet whipped her with a belt... I like where this is going. Angelina enters the ring, pissed, and calls out Velvet. She tries to run, and they brawl until Madison and Lacey show up and make it a 3-on-1, whipping Angelina with the ugly stick for good measure. This, I guess, furthers the storyline? Not sure why we needed an in-ring segment other than to get TBP on TV.

Bubba the Excrement Reference is the next to warn Hogan against wrestling. Why is he on TV again? Why? What the fuck? Why did we have to be subjected to more of this guy? He's not relevant to anyone except Hulk Hogan, but that's why he's here! We're also informed that Bubba helps Hogan to get out of his chair, which is disturbing. Now it's another etiquette school segment... which apparently went well. This entire thing had zero payoff. Video package reminding us of the Band's breakup storyline, and we're told that Nash and young will get a promo segment on Monday. Got to admit, I am rapidly turning against this episode as a result of those three short segments.

Match 4: Tomko vs. Jeff Jarrett​

Jarrett is back to having no music, tron or pyro. And he's injured. Impact is turning into the Jeff Jarrett humiliation tour. They spend a lot of time focusing on that injured shoulder, with Tomko working it hard. Despite this, he's still got the strength in his shoulder to reverse an Irish whip. There's that Coronation move again. Why was it so popular in this era of TNA? Jarrett gets the shock win after a sunset flip, and we cut to Bisch, who is pissed in his office. I notice that Jarrett gets lights for his win, and nothing else. Speaking of Bisch, he is probably the last to inform Hulk Hogan that wrestling on Monday would be a bad idea. I notice none of them expressed concern with the fans that watching two broken-down old men ruin their legacies is not something that the crowd wants.

Match 5: AJ Styles (c) vs. Abyss vs. D'Angelo Dinero vs. Desmond Wolfe - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Oh, boy! This is an exciting prospect of a match, with two TNA Originals and two future stars, no immobile Attitude Era wastes in sight! I hope they won't fuck it up somehow! Pope's money rain rating: very good. It's always best when it's shot from a low angle. I still like Abyss entering to American Made. I don't think Desmond Wolfe even enters this match. Flair works that damaged leg of Pope's with a chair while the referee isn't looking, and AJ locks in the Figure 4. Pope refuses to tap (nice touch!) and a referee stoppage ends it in... less than four minutes? They did fuck it up somehow.

Styles, Flair, and Desmond Wolfe too (seems he's joined Flair's alliance, which is good because the aesthetic fits him far better) beat on the injured Pope before Abyss tries and fails to make the save. A bit of expert Continuity~! as the barbed wire bat finally gets used(!!) by Flair on Abyss. The 3-on-1 target becomes Abyss now, and this continues until Hogan shows up and clocks Flair with the bat. Did that make Flair bleed hardway? Apparently, that's a preview for Monday night. Please no.

You can probably read from my writing style that I got less and less enthusiastic about this as it went. Why are the people that were certified anti-draws earlier in the year showing up again? Why is Hogan going to wrestle? Why did those etiquette school segments happen, if they were going to be so boring and inconsequential? Where is Samoa Joe? I have no answers, and neither does TNA. See you on the first episode of the Monday Night Mistake.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Impact March 8, 2010 - The Unhappy Mondays​

And we open the New Monday Night Wars with the first appearance of the new theme, Change Me. I miss Cross the Line, but this theme is good too. Notably, Velvet Sky appears in it before any other Knockout. They know where the money is. As we go to the Impact Zone, and I notice a conspicuous X-shaped piece of scaffolding, the first thing Mike Tenay thinks to mention is that this will be Hogan and Flair's first match against each other in over a decade. Dixie Carter spotted in the crowd.

As Tenay tells us the match will come "sooner than we think", the announcer hails the arrival of Hulk Hogan and American Made Abyss. It feels kind of sad that Abyss isn't wearing the red and yellow, as it would make sense in the context of this angle. Hogan cuts the same promo that he did on January 4, including the "biggest night in TNA history". Hogan calls Abyss "Big Brother". He seems to want to get this mistake of a match out of the way earlier, and their two opponents acquiesce in matching robes. Taz, remembering that he's got to be a heel colour commentator, claims he likes AJ.

Match 1: Hulk Hogan/Abyss vs. Ric Flair/AJ Styles​

It turns out that Abyss' jacket has a red and yellow "A" logo on its back. Huge "WOO" pops for Flair's knife edge chops. Flair and AJ abuse the dumbassery of the referee twice in a row, with a low blow and a strange robe-covered beatdown to Abyss while the ref isn't looking. First actual move Hogan is involved in entails eating a Pele from AJ. Same, AJ. Same. Match breaks down into two separate brawls when Sting's music hits! Of course they were going to follow up on the rafters thing from January, that's some Continuity~! Sting appears to defend Hogan and Abyss from Styles and Flair... until he starts hitting Team Hogan with a baseball bat! What a fun swerve, and by fun I mean "fuck, we're going to have to do this again, aren't we...?" Apparently I'm right. Hogan wants to do this later tonight, and as a no DQ match. "Yay". Also Hogan took an unprotected chair shot to the head just there. Yikes.

After the break, we get the customary opening segment recap, which gives another angle of the unprotected chairshot. Sting is confronted backstage by Dixie, who wants answers, but she gets held in a very weak-looking choke against the wall as Sting says "I owe you nothing!" So Sting's a heel now. Are there any faces left here? Dixie fails to emote after such a shock attack. JB gets to interview AJ and Flair, who accept the match. Flair says he wants to make a statement by coming out of retirement. That statement presumably being "I need the money to support my ridiculous lifestyle and pay off my ex-wives".

Abyss is in the backstage area thumping walls and screaming like a maniac "WHY, STING? WHY?". At least it beats his pathetic loser faux-Mankind gimmick he had not a month ago. We get a brief early appearance of Brooke Hogan before she fucked things up in 2012, and she's being consoled by her soon-to-be stepmother. "He's not OK" -Brooke, on Hulk. "I hate seeing him do this to himself" -a fan also Brooke.

Kazarian enters to no music. He says he ""left"" TNA two years ago because he had a lot of doubt, and then he says, with a cheap pop, that that doubt is gone! He's gonna Make the X Division Great Again, and go to war with those up north with the X Division as cannon fodder leading them into the battle... but he's interrupted by Daniels, saying he wants to be leader. Nice early glimpse into the interaction of guys who'll have such amazing chemistry in the decade ahead. "I am X" -Daniels, thrusting his crotch forward. Doug Williams enters and trashes them, and they have a 3-way argument until Bischoff comes out and makes this a title match! I consider this a face move on Bisch's part.

Match 2: Doug Williams (c) vs. Kazarian vs. Daniels - for the X Division Championship​

All three go for an instant quick cover. "X Division" chants throughout the first 2 minutes or so. Tenay insists that TNA Epics is the show every wrestling fan is talking about. A quick look at the episode guide suggests they could have said "We're showing the Styles/Daniels/Joe Unbreakable match on free TV next Tuesday" and it would have had a better effect. At least it might have stopped it from being cancelled just one episode later. Kaz does a cool spot where he hits a Northern Lights suplex on Daniels while pinning Williams, to atempt to pin both at once. Apparently Dixie Carter is backstage with a huge announcement, and they spend 2 minutes discussing that rather than the match.

Daniels rolls both up while Kaz is in Chaos Theory. Finish has to be seen to believed. Chokeslam by Daniels - BME but nobody home - run in by Williams - Daniels to corner - Chaos Theory for the pin. So smooth! Williams retains. After the match, Williams gets attacked by Shannon Moore out of 0% of anywhere, and then Bisch comes back to make the title match for the next PPV. It's Williams vs. Moore at Destination X! Maybe they're not super flippy, but this should be a cool matchup. Also, Moore is using an instrumental version of the Ink Inc. theme. Foreshadowing?

Dixie Carter's announcement involves calling Sting "Steve", saying he just re-signed, and then announcing him in a match. "A match?" -JB, disbelieving that wrestling matches would occur on a wrestling show (though, it is 2010 Impact, so that is a fair thing to disbelieve). The identity of his opponent will be a mystery! Taylor Wilde and Sarita - oh hey, they're still here! - enter for a match, as Tenay lets us know that Kong and Hamada haven't defended their titles in 30 days and so are stripped of them. I blame Bubba the Love Sponge for this.

Match 3: Taylor Wilde/Sarita vs. The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne) vs. Tara/Angelina Love - for the vacant Knockouts Tag Team Championship​

Angelina and Tara are pissed at TBP, and let themselves get distracted and rolled up by Wilde and Sarita. Heh, nice. I'm surprised Wilde/Sarita don't have a team name yet, and never had one. Velvet has a serious scream on her, wow. They hype Spike's new comedy show or something. "Lacey Von Erich using her head there - that's rare" -Taz. Finish comes when Tara has Madison hoisted with the Widow's Peak, and Daffney comes in and hits her with her own Knockouts Title belt! Madison gets the 3-count! New Knockouts Tag Team Champions - The Beautiful People! I see this as an absolute win - Velvet gets TNA gold around her waist for the first time, storylines furthered, Daffney gets on TV, Taylor Wilde and Sarita get on TV, the lot.

Christy hypes the post-show before introducing the Pope. He does a pretty nice interview that gets interrupted by Desmond Wolfe, who strips off his left boot and works on that injured ankle with a chain. This gives me the feeling that the Pope could possibly win at Lockdown, given how against the odds it is. Sting walks down a staircase and looks edgy. TBP are being interviewed by JB, where Velvet informs him that they're going to celebrate BP style, which apparently involves a little bit of the bubbly! And she sprays JB with the bottle! God, it's impossible to hate her.

Tenay and Taz talk with each other about how Sting is somehow a bad guy, and Taz calls the throttling of Dixie Carter "not cool". I'm pretty sure a tribunal would call something like that stronger than "not cool". Sting enters, getting a reaction that's rather mixed, which Tenay claims is something they've never seen before... Guy has a "Really Awful Wrestling" sign in the crowd. Here, let me do that with this show. Impossibly Maddening, Putrid, Adverse, Convoluted Tripe. Put that on a WWE sign, and see if Vince lets you bring it in. Crowd is already chanting "RVD" before the music hits. ROB VAN DAM! THE WHOLE EFFIN' SHOW!

Match 4: Sting vs. Rob Van Dam​

He's certainly not coming down the ring, though - he jumps the barricade, hits Sting with a spinning heel kick and Rolling Thunder for the pin! That was quick. Then we're treated to 3 minutes of Sting hitting him repeatedly with his baseball bat. I read somewhere that apparently Hogan was late to his cue this time so they had to extend this. Anyway, enter Hogan, who tries and fails to stop Sting. So he gets to beat Hogan and RVD as well! The old man's getting medical attention - how will he be ready for his match tonight, we wonder. By the power of wrestling magic, we realise.

Enter Kevin Nash and Eric Young, but not before getting an extremely brief shot of Eric Bischoff in a director's chair. Nash comes out with a script. Apparently the Bisch reaction was intentional? The fuck?? And the script is a one-off contract for Hall and Waltman so it can be Nash/Young vs. Hall/Waltman at Destination X. Why, Kevin, why? What a surprise, Waltman and Hall (who, by the way, is in no state at all) enter via the back door, and Hall slurringly insults them. "Big Sexy - sorry, Big Sellout" -Hall. Bisch confirms the match, and it's for the real contract. Waltman makes the mistake of slapping Young while Bisch is still on the screen, and he books the match!

Match 5: Syxx-Pac vs. Eric Young​

I'm glad to say that Waltman has at least some mobility, despite them being both in jeans. Doesn't make me want to see a match featuring him. I realise the bell I heard last week was from the TNA Live Event graphic on the bottom third. This is pretty quickly finished as Young hits a piledriver on Waltman. "GOTTEEM" -Tenay, predicting a meme.

US Army soldiers are shown approaching the Impact Zone, and they do in fact go and surround the ring, to accompany the entrance of Kurt Angle. He does what Anderson says he does, and appeals to jingoism to get a positive reaction. "USA" chants. Anderson gets on a screen and talks shit, but he doesn't notice Angle slipping out, going to the interview area and decking him. Nice call back to WCW for Anderson, calling the little medallion an "international object". He brings him to the ring and leads him to the mercy of the soldiers, then hits an Angle Slam, spits on him, and raises the US flag while stepping on his prone body. I'm sure if I were American and had a quarter the IQ, I'd enjoy this segment.

"Just stop it" says Bubba the Still Here to a still messed-up Hulk Hogan, who's had 2 Sting beatdowns today and insists on going out for that match. It's also what fans will say to Bubba. Earl Hebner shows up and asks for a second chance, making it a perfect trifecta of men I never want to see again but will have to for a while yet. Hulk lets his ass get swayed by Bubba. Commentary runs down the card for Destination X, which looks suspiciously un-X Division-like. Jarrett hopes the fact that James Storm is facing him tonight is nothing personal, but smiling bastard heel Storm seems to have volunteered! I can't hate him though. Jarrett can, and he goes on the attack. Roode goes for the save, and Corporate Mick drags them to the ring.

Match 6: Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) vs. Jeff Jarrett - Handicap Match (Special Guest Referee: Mick Foley)​

Mick has finally finished dragging them back to the ring, and he reveals he's got black and white under his suit! I like it! Here's a concept for a WWE 24/7 title change or five: Superstars dressing in black and white so they can be their own referee. Irrelevant? Yes. But it's better than talking about a short handicap squash that Jarrett has no chance in. He puts up a fight to be fair. Even takes out the barbed wire bat before another referee (Slick Johnson) takes it off him. Then Foley chases the other referee to the back for the bat, allowing Roode to get a nut shot on Jarrett and Beer Money hit the DWI. Slick counts the pin. Mick is with Jarrett and looks on in concern, still brandishing the bat.

Abyss and Hogan talking tactics - a bit weird to do that on camera. Brooke Hogan is here to be annoying, "acting" being concerned for her daddy. "Promise no more matches, we've lost so much" -Brooke. She doesn't seem to realise that they've gained so much. But yeah, Hogan promises he's going to hang up the boots. Yet another thing that should tell the entire locker room "Never trust Hulk Hogan". We're informed that the main event is sponsored by Rent-a-Center.

Match 7: Hulk Hogan/Abyss vs. Ric Flair/AJ Styles - No Disqualification Match​

AJ enters to Flair's entrance again. Ric is busted open very quickly and Hogan chokes him with his bandanna. Then whacking him with his "Hollywood" belt. Most of this is outside the ring, by the way. Hulk Hogan is apparently a face here. "No bad tactics, only bad targets" -Hogan, probably. Abyss gets the hot tag but this doesn't finish it. This is painful to witness. Match ends with a double big boot to Flair and a Black Hole Slam to Styles. It's over. Thank fuck for that. But here comes Desmond Wolfe to start yet another beatdown, and the Pope comes out to make a very limpy save. This doesn't help much, but thankfully Jeff Hardy is here, cleaning house... until the TV feed cuts off before he can deliver his Swanton. That is... a rather sour note to end on.

Overall? I can tell they put all their decent quality writing into this show, though that wasn't much considering it was mostly focused on Hulk Hogan Not Knowing When To Quit. See you next Monday...

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Impact March 15, 2010 - It's Not Big, and It's Not Clever​

Apparently this is the go-home for Destination X 2010. I totally didn't have to look up when Destination X was, because they totally advertised it well in advance and gave the date hype. I know about Hogan and Bischoff's attitude to small flyers, but burying a PPV because it's pushing them is too much. Recap focuses on the "intrigue" between Hogan, Flair, and their TNA Originals being used as puppets, and RVD showing up. They recap the ending brawl that had Jeff Hardy, and they... don't show the Swanton that got cut off from the TV feed.



That is all. Anyway, a golden-brown Humvee drives up, containing Hogan, Hardy, Abyss, and RVD. Abyss being the odd choice to sit in the driving seat, which Taz points out. Seems the explosion of pyro at the start of this Impact is different from the last. AJ first to enter, though he looks rather grim-faced compared to last week, and Ric Flair has a seriously nasty-looking cut on his head. I know that this episode was taped the day after the last, but the fact that this is, in kayfabe, presented as one week later makes it seem even worse. Like, that's what it looks like after a week. Fuck me.

AJ is here to promo on Abyss, acting like he's the face for a while before he remembers he's trying to be a heel. NUCLEAR heat when AJ says he doesn't believe in Santa Claus. I think we overestimate the intelligence of Florida crowds... "I'm a gift from God" -AJ. The implications of this combined with Ric Flair calling himself a God are enormous. "Shut his mic off" chants. Flair punches himself in the face again and again to reopen his scar. Jesus Christ. Jeff Hardy enters, fully painted up despite him not having a match booked. Was his face paint new? AJ is baited into challenging Hardy to a main event match, and Hardy references his "Creatures of the Night" fanbase for what is probably the first time, followed by screaming to summon obnoxious blue lighting. Weird first segment.

Corporate Mick is here apologising to Bisch for not costing Jarrett the match last week, and apparently he's going to be shaved in the middle of the ring tonight. What is it with this year and fucking up the things we know and love about our favourites? Jesse Neal is shown "earlier today" getting something from catering when the Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart show up and fuck him up, finishing in a powerbomb through the table. Oh yeah, 3D/Nastys is still a feud. Speaking of, Knobbs, Sags and Hart are already in the ring, and Brian Knobbs screams about how we were going to have a six-man tag tonight. Wait, who's your third man, Nastys? Is Jimmy Hart wrestling?

Jimmy Hart is wrestling. Jimmy Hart, the manager. Let that sink in.

Team 3D are here, and Ray is reckoning it isn't going to be a handicap match. Are they going to stop Jimmy from wrestling? Please, let that be it. Oh, if only that were true. Turns out they do have a partner. Oh, cool, it's Spike Dudley Brother Runt! I like seeing these past names show up.

Match 1: Team 3D (Brother Devon/Brother Ray/Brother Runt) vs. The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobbs/Jerry Sags/Jimmy Hart)​

Seems initially that the Nastys can't decide who will start in the ring. Runt is looking crisp. They really want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. Match story appears to be Team 3D trying to hurt Hart, but failing again and again. If that's the case, why have the "Nastys get what they deserve" tables match last time out? Runt pops the crowd huge with a double axe handle to the outside. Finish is a setup for the 3D being broken up and Hart distracting the ref enough for Knobbs to get a helmet shot in and win. Why are they using a helmet? Is it because it's a word for a bell-end? Jimmy Hart holds a pinfall victory in TNA. After-match beatdown until Jesse Neal comes for the save, and Sags eats a 3D through a table. What was the point of this?

Angelina Love on seeing TBP win gold without her: "It sucks". She's issuing an open challenge to any of them at all, which kind of defeats the purpose of an open challenge if you're only going to take one of three. JB interviews Hall and Waltman, and... what is Scott Hall wearing? Looks like a grey TNA shirt which has had "Wölf pac" written on it in marker pen. He looks as intoxicated as ever, and both do I-love-you-man hugs to JB. Nash and Young show up, and Big Sexy issues a challenge of his own... if Hall can last 5 minutes in the ring with him, he wins $25,000. Let's hope he doesn't.

Match 2: Mr. Anderson/Desmond Wolfe vs. Kurt Angle/D'Angelo Dinero​

Wolfe doesn't get a separate entrance from Anderson, and neither does Pope from Angle. Pope's money rain rating: wrong music. The "Bubba Army" sign is back... sigh. Hasn't Pope moved on from Wolfe? I thought he was meant to be feuding with AJ, even though AJ's got like five feuds on his plate at the moment, which is understandable. It's fine to put both feuds into one match before the go-home, though. "USA" chants that inexplicably die off when the heel Brit enters the ring. Taz struggles to pronounce Pope's name. Finish is Pope rolling up Wolfe. Wolfe attacks him post-match and works the injured ankle, where he lands badly on the entrance ramp. Anderson can then hit the Mic Check, slice Angle open with the "Warrior Medal" (dog tag), and humiliate him with his Amazing Descending Mic.

We're in the office of mediocrity. Has anyone ever addressed why Hogan's office and Bisch's office are, like, the same set? We're informed that AJ/Hardy will have Abyss as an enforcer, and RVD will get to do something fun. Hogan has to remind RVD that this is Florida twice. And now Bisch is in here to talk about the haircut of Mick Foley, saying zero things new. Angelina out to accept the member of TBP who accepted the challenge. Velvet lets us know reliably that they've got a one-night-only honorary member... Daffney! They should have kept that feud going, it would have kept her on TV.

Match 3: Angelina Love vs. Daffney​

Another great reason they should have continued with the whole Daffney in TBP thing - the natural weirdness would turn them both into faces, a la Alexa Bliss/Nikki Cross. "Pasty, sadistic tomato who screams" -Taz on Daffney. She produces a hammer to go for that quick DQ loss, but the referee stops her. Then TBP get themselves involved and the referee throws it out anyway. They continue to beat the shit out of Angelina, wrapping her legs around the ring post while Taz questions the logic of using crotch attacks on women. Angelina looks seriously crumpled. Tara jumps the barricade and cleans house with bitch slaps.

Recap of Sting being an edgy motherfucker who lost to RVD in 10 seconds. Hulk's out here to talk to Sting. He calls last week a train wreck, which is putting it very mildly. Sting's continuing the WCW throwback by being in the rafters once again. He takes his sweet ass time to get down as the "Hogan" chants only seem to get louder. He's about to get in the ring when... RVD attacks him! It was a setup! And Sting is apparently meant to be the heel in this? He continues the beatdown while Hogan grabs Sting's bat, and he's about to use it before Bischoff comes out and tells him to stop getting physical forever, now please. I like this tension.

Jeff Jarrett makes plans to tag with Hernandez vs. Beer Money. "We've always been straight" -Jeff. But Bisch doesn't like that, and so he makes it a handicap, with Hernandez being the 1. Jeff flips out at him, and Bisch lets him in the ring... as the special referee. Reff Jarrett. I hate myself.

Match 4: Kevin Nash vs. Scott Hall - 5 Minute $25,000 Challenge​

Hall gets the jobber entrance and can barely stand. What is this? What is this match? It's a disaster. Nash is immobile and Hall is clearly not sober. Maybe I've not mentioned the comparison between Scott Hall and Jeff Hardy enough recently. Maybe he needs a warning coming from nearly 10 years in the future. Taz takes a shot at Michael Cole by announcing he's going to shoehorn "Vintage" in every Monday. Waltman comes in to take out Nash's knees, handcuffs him to the ring, and EY comes in for the save. Of course, though, it's 2v1 and the wrong people manage to leave with the 25 grand. Why was this segment a thing?

JB interviewing Beer Money. James Storm calls JB "Seacrest". Roode talking about being pushed aside for Hogan's boys... and they're apparently supposed to be the heels. I like this setup where Storm's eyes are framed in shadow by his cowboy hat. Really makes him look more heelish. Roode cracks up at Storm's clever slogan. "Making cash, and getting trashed".

Match 5: Hernandez vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) - Handicap Match (Special Guest Referee: Jeff Jarrett)​

Jarrett comes out first and still has no music. Fans have no idea how to react as they can't boo Beer Money or cheer Hernandez. Matt Morgan comes out on commentary, selling their impending split a bit more. He's acting like a jilted ex. He thought he was going to wrestle, apparently. Match is kind of formulaic. "He's getting whooped out there" -Taz, immediately before Hernandez starts getting offense. Eventually, though, Beer Money win with the DWI. It looks like Jarrett's making a slow count but it turns out he just hit the ring once before counting. Beer Money continue the beating, so Jarrett cleans up. Matt Morgan has walked out on Hernandez. Storylines intersecting!

"Your ass is mine next week" -Bischoff, standing next to a barber's chair that has been set up in the ring. Implications? Looks like it's time for the Mick Foley head shaving segment! Apparently this is part of the corporate rebrand. Bisch stares at the razor like he's looking at his phone or something. Of course it looks like it's about to happen until Foley gives the Socko to Bischoff! When Bisch is knocked out, Foley shaves his head and turns him from the Smiling Fucking Mug into the Bald Smiling Fucking Mug. I am somewhat sports entertained.

Christy interviewing Shannon Moore. He hypes up the Book of DILLIGAF and threatens Christy when she says she doesn't know it. "Welcome to glam rock" -Shannon Moore, looking much more punk. Speaking of X Division, we get an MCMG promo segment! Ultimate X is set up, and just a reminder that MCMG are facing Generation Me in it. Watching them promo, I can believe that one of them is a future champion, but I can't believe it's Sabin. "Who have you beaten?" -someone who doesn't remember that the Bucks beat them. Bucks come out and remind them. "We fucked your girlfriends" -Shelley, which causes a brawl. Out comes Brian Kendrick... and Amazing Red... and Daniels... and Kazarian! Bucks jump off the scaffold to hit MCMG, drawing TNA chants. And Red does a flip off the ladder. Fuck yeah, X Division! Destination X will be cool if it's mostly this.

Abyss promo time with JB. He's starting to imitate the cadence and voice of Hogan, just with the giggles and derangedness added in. I think that's the right direction for Abyss in this angle. And he really wants a chance to beat up Ric Flair. Don't worry, he'll beat himself up for you, as the opening segment showed. He finishes with the whatcha gonna do, and then enters to his American Made theme. Why do people hate this part of the angle? I don't get it.

Match 6: AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy​

Flair no longer bleeding. I'm surprised Hardy's face paint stayed on from the start of this episode to this match. "Jeff Hardy doesn't know what he's gonna do" -Taz, the prophet. Hardy looking fairly slow, but that's in comparison to AJ approaching his prime. AJ teases doing a flying move but then taunts the fans. True heel. He converts a Twist of Fate into a Pele Kick, before a ref bump makes Abyss the referee. He stops AJ from using a chair, AJ misses a springboard 450 and eats a Twist of Fate and Swanton for the win. A cool spot ensues where Flair attacks Abyss again and again with a chair, but Abyss Hulks up and chokeslams the old man straight through the ramp! That's one way to close an Impact.

Overall thoughts? Good stuff here, but also Jimmy Hart was in the ring. Nice X Division hype, but also there was the Nash/Hall thing. Hogan and Bischoff don't know the meaning of "unqualified success". See you at Destination X, which I'm pretty sure had all the matches hyped in advance!

Next up: Destination X

AJ Styles (c) vs. Abyss - for the World Heavyweight Championship
Doug Williams (c) vs. Shannon Moore - for the X Division Championship
Matt Morgan/Hernandez (c) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) - for the World Tag Team Championship
Tara (c) vs. Daffney - for the Knockouts Championship
Rob Terry (c) vs. Brutus Magnus - for the Global Championship
Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson
The Band (Scott Hall/Syxx-Pac) vs. Kevin Nash/Eric Young - for Hall/Waltman's TNA Contracts
Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) - Ultimate X Match
Amazing Red vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Daniels vs. Kazarian - Ladder Match​

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Destination X 2010 - Lip Service​

The tagline for this PPV is "A night when the X Division will shine". True enough, the opening package of this PPV features noted high-flying cruiserweights such as Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle, Matt Morgan, Mr. Anderson, Team 3D, Ric Flair, Hernandez, Eric Young, Abyss... wait, this is just a regular PPV! Inspirational quotes over stock video, ignoring the fact that the only flippy shit guy here is AJ Styles. And he's in the main event. It's a whole minute in when they remember to give a shit about the X Division, and a whole 30 seconds later before they forget about it and move on to heavyweight feuds. "Life is a journey, not a destination" -Ralph Waldo Emerson. There you have it, welcome to Journey X!

Pyro goes off dangerously close to the Ultimate X scaffolding. "If you want madness and marks, you've come to the right place" -Tenay. Wait, what? As Kendrick's horrible theme hits (the actual classical song it's based on is, unsurprisingly, public domain, and it would have been better if they used that instead), I thank my lucky stars that we're going straight into the matches and not wasting time with a Hogan promo.

Match 1: Amazing Red vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Daniels vs. Kazarian - X Division Number 1 Contender Ladder Match​

Did they announce this was for a future title shot on Impact? I must have missed it. Anyway, yay for getting the crowd hyped with flippy shit! Daniels has a weird collar and shoulder bands that makes him look like he's a male stripper. They talk about Kazarian's "pride". Maybe that's why they teamed up. Chants mostly for Kendrick. Surprising considering how TNA "pushed" him. Kaz attempts to slingshot himself in but lands on the ladder. Is that a botch? Daniels hides his stripper collar by using the ladder as a collar, but Red flips over it and drops him, which gets TNA chants. I like Red. So many spots of people getting hurt by manipulating ladders. It's cool by me.

At one point Kaz doesn't look like he can breathe. He even gets BME'd on the ladder. "Fallen Angel" chants arise at one point, which makes me happy. Kaz getting destroyed. He's taking every bump. Even if he wins, will he be good to compete (kayfabe) for Lockdown?? He manages to recover, and powerbomb Daniels on to a rope-hung ladder. More TNA and "X Division" chants. This is delightful, end to end stuff. Daniels looks like he has it but doesn't go straight for the ladder. Typical top-of-ladder spots end with Daniels hitting a uranage from the ladder. Kaz springboards to the ladder from out of nowhere, suplexes Daniels but stays on (awesome spot!) and grabs the win! Good start!

As they recap all the cool, ridiculous spots, I can't help but smile. They go over the rest of the main matches on the card, I notice that Abyss (the Monster of the Ring, apparently) is holding his ring towards the camera in his render. You can still faintly see the WWE logo on it. Free advertising for your competition?

Just as I think they won't waste time on old guys promoing, Ric Flair is wheeled out by Chelsea. He tells the crowd to stop wooing, bitches about being in a wheelchair, and complains about not getting any action. "Shut up Ric" chants. He can't stop calling Abyss "the Abyss". We go backstage to Hogan hyping up Abyss, and good to see Abyss's adopted some more red and yellow into his attire. Hogan's acting like the power is in the ring and not within him all along. Trucker-looking ass Bisch enters, and Hogan tells him to stop feuding with Foley and Jarrett. What is this, Hogan being sensible?

Match 2: Tara (c) vs. Daffney - for the Knockouts Championship​

"Tonight's challangamer" -Tenay. Daffney getting a few cheers despite being a heel. "Her little person hat she had made in Indonesia, by a bunch of Indonesians" -Taz. Daffney does a cool move where she hangs Tara's face on the bottom turnbuckle and double stomps her as a rather unique... backbreaker? Neck crank? Whatever it is, it hurts. I notice that the referee is the one with the widow's peak hair - appropriate for a match with Tara. A really unique knee stretch from Daffney before Tara takes control. Finish is a failed belt shot into a Widow's Peak. Tara retains. Ho hum. But Daffney's got the tarantula! This feud continues!

We've got a promo segment here, and Magnus quickly gets boos as soon as he appears. That doesn't seem like good heel heat. Magnus' abs bulge weirdly. And he's finally dropped the Brutus name. He makes a literary reference and shoves away Christy Hemme, who looks utterly betrayed. Hey, Christy, at least he didn't try to put his dick in your face.

Match 3: Rob Terry (c) vs. Magnus - for the Global Championship​

Terry's Global Championship jiggles comically around his waist. Tenay admits the Global title is considered as a secondary title. "An yuge achievement" -Taz. This is basically a squash as Terry wins with his powerbomb. This guy looks really intense, and he's so big. Just a shame he's never been able to wrestle for shit. Camera focuses on some Aussie kids.

We get a pretty nice video package for TNA's signature match, and the "not about weight limits" slogan. We get praise of Ultimate X from the likes of Taz, Bischoff, and Jarrett, who have probably never been that high above sea level in their entire life. At least Kurt Angle's gonna get comparably high (spoiler alert) next PPV. Apparently this is a Number 1 contenders' match for the Tag Team Championship. Chris Sabin says that Generation Me have more balls than they do brains (technically correct; 4>2). Shelley's promo is kind of generic, but Sabin mentions "dry humping your SpongeBob blanket", so I don't know which is worse. Also, god damn, Christy Hemme looks amazing yet again.

Match 4: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) - Tag Team Championship Number 1 Contender Ultimate X Match​

Soundman has a nightmare during the Bucks' entrance. Chris Sabin has been in 13 Ultimate X's. Wow. Really free-flowing "corner pinball" sequence at the start. I wish I had a GIF maker and had the time to GIF all this cool stuff. Everything the Bucks do looks incredibly smooth. Probably the only hair pull spot I've seen in a men's match. Shelley locks both Bucks in submissions at the same time. Dueling chants, which are replaced by TNA chants when MCMG hit an electric chair/crossbody to the outside. One of the Bucks does a rope walk dropkick followed by an armdrag, then uses the same spot to get hung on the high wires. Dueling chants again!

A lovely spot occurs when one Buck takes both of MCMG out of the ring with a dropkick, and hangs on the ropes split-legged to set up his partner for a springboard splash to the outside! That's the most deserving TNA chant I've seen yet, and allows me to notice someone with a Jesse Neal sign. Takes all sorts. Max (I think it's Max? I can't tell the difference) is hanging on the high wire and still finds time to kick Sabin out of the air, which is badass.

There's too many ridiculous spots here for me to relate all of them, so I want to focus on Taz addressing criticism of the Bucks, saying "nyeeh they know how to fall". Kayfabe, Taz. They're even forgoing replays because they're afraid they're going to miss something. Sabin spears one Buck from off the back of another! Holy shit! Shelley stops his opponent from getting the win by getting on Sabin's shoulders and... tickling him?? All four get on the high wires, they drop off, and... Superkick Party! I marked, honestly. Everything's so fluid, it really is video game wrestling. Guns do something that looks like a powerbomb/reverse cutter? Whatever it is, it's cool. MCMG win, in the best match I've seen so far in this rewatch.

That match was the sugar high, and this is going to be the crash. The Band match. So many reasons I don't want to watch this match. I'm reminded of how Bisch called Waltman "uh... Pac". Wouldn't it be great if PAC had been in TNA? Actually no, he'd have been misused like all the rest. Scott Hall looks unsightly in his old ring attire, and he is very intoxicated. JB says "banned for life" which makes the two of them think that he made a pun which I made earlier in this thread. Waltman gets in on the action, pulling off a "Nash, Young, Crosby, Stills" line. Damn 2010, stealing my lines from 10 years in the future.

Match 5: The Band (Scott Hall/Syxx-Pac) vs. Kevin Nash/Eric Young - for Hall/Waltman's TNA Contracts​

Ring announcer butchers everything. No music for the Band. "Maybe Hall hears the music" -Taz. "Scott Hall looking good here" -also Taz. The Bad Wrestler Guy slurs his way through a promo where he mentions the Wolfpac. Mixed reaction for the idea of them getting contracts, which Hall misinterprets as approval. I haven't heard Eric Young's theme yet all this year, which is sad. Nash is in red. Is that foreshadowing? Please tell me that isn't foreshadowing. Please.

This match is at its least ugly, naturally, when it's Waltman vs. Young. They at least have some urgency about them. None of what Hall does feels safe, because it doesn't seem that even he knows what he is doing. I fear for Eric Young's safety. "Lower extremity yam-bag region" -Taz. Hall seems to fall asleep in a headlock while standing. Referee gets distracted for a hot tag? That's new. Censor bleeps, despite being on PPV. Referee distraction is enough for Waltman to spray Young. Remember, if you can't produce your own Asian mist, store bought is fine. Finisher is, sadly, when Nash betrays Young and reforms the Band for an extended beatdown. Sigh. The wasters are sticking around. Waltman sprays a police corpse chalk line for Young.

Angle looks bewildered, and eliminates JB from his own interview. He then does an entire interview withiot using a mic (nice character touch), first showing the bloody dog tag, and burning a piece of paper with a render of Mr. Anderson. That's something I love to see to pick me up after that horrid "match".

Match 6: Doug Williams (c) vs. Shannon Moore - for the X Division Championship​

Shannon Moore's theme sounds generic. I want him to get in his team so he can finally get a sung theme. Corpse line still there... continuity? Very nice, fast-paced start as expected. Eventually Doug takes control and starts out-grappling Moore. I like Doug Williams. He's good in a match with flippy shit, as a counterpoint to said flippy shit. That's why I like him as X Division Champ. He's best at doing the British Invasion taunt too. Commentary starts talking about the Chaos Theory suplex just before Doug fails to hit it. Dueling chants despite Doug being a heel. That's the power of his style, it gets fans to like him. Literally one guy with the USA chant.

Finish comes when Doug... nails Moore with a brick? What a dumb way to win. After the match, he promos on the X Division, at this PPV of all. He wants to stop high flying acrobats in the division and turn it into a mat westling division, apparently. He then steals a plant's purse and smears lipstick all over Moore's face. "RVD" chants, despite RVD not being involved in this PPV. Gave me false hope for a run-in. He's one of the few old guys who I think would fit well in the X Division.

We get a video package for the tag title match, focusing on the two main stories - Beer Money feeling unjustly sidelined and the growing friction between Hernandez and Morgan. With a side order of the Jeff Jarrett humiliation party. We'll see if that feud ends on the next Impact, like Bisch said it would. Storm doesn't enter on his beer cart - that's how you know they're playing heels!

Match 7: Matt Morgan/Hernandez (c) vs. Beer Money, inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) - for the World Tag Team Championship​

We open with a long, long minute of friction between Morgan and Hernandez over who has to face Beer Money first. Just give us the betrayal already, don't tease us... Storm takes a drink on the ring apron. Hey, that was my drink that I needed to get through the Band match! Taz's commentary seems distracted and bewildered throughout. Hernandez gets thrown to the wolves while Morgan talks shit about him to the fans. Hernandez with the most delayed vertical slam I've ever seen. Morgan doing nothing. "Hernandez yay, Morgan boo" chants. To the point. Morgan with the hot tag and cleans house to basically no reaction. Hernandez ducks a beer shot so Storm spits it in Morgan's face, then he gets the win by hitting his finisher on Storm. Then Morgan just straight up decks Hernandez with a Carbon Footprint and grabs both titles. Solo champ angle? Cool!

We get a video package for Angle/Anderson, and it occurs to me how little I want to see Anderson actually in a match against anyone. I can't even get invested in this angle because the face motivation is "YAY MURICA", which is not something I can get behind, and the heel is so boring and one-note. I want this to end already.

Match 8: Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson​

Debut of Anderson's "Pro Wrestling is Real" shirt, which is something notable, I guess. The corpse line is still in the ring. Continuity, I suppose, or maybe it's because they've got no cleaning budget. Lighting was really red for no reason for about 2 seconds. Angle trying his hardest to make this match not a mess of early-PG Era main event WWE. He has to goad Anderson into putting him in a headlock. Multiple times. Snorefest. Angle lands corner punches from an angle that makes it so obvious they don't land.

"Physical battle" -Taz. He sounds as bored as I do. Anderson goes for the Mic Check repeatedly and unsuccessfully. Anderson tries to cut Angle open with the dog tag when the ref is down, but Angle gets right up and hits a really clean German. Then Kurt starts to cut up Anderson's head with the metal while the ref is down. Ref is up just in time to see an Ankle Lock, and Anderson, who's at about 0.5 Muta at this point, taps. As Angle's leaving, Anderson taunts him over having had to cheat to win. This angle's continuing isn't it? Please, no.

Video package of the magic ring storyline. Christy seems very slurry for this interview with AJ - she must have needed a drink or two to get through the Band match, as well. AJ is basically cosplaying Ric Flair, but he's doing it well. He's so talented, but he has no idea what makes Batman tough. Hollywood Hulk Abyss is getting interviewed by JB, and it turns out he's actually not a bad talker. He's selling this angle pretty damn well.

Match 9: AJ Styles (c) vs. Abyss - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Abyss' music cue is notably late. Ric wheeled out while AJ makes his entrance. Notable boos for Abyss during the ring announcement... that's the effect of being against AJ. Abyss interrupts the announcement to beat on AJ. Ric tries to wheel towards Abyss to get at him... maybe that's not a great idea. Abyss gives a belly to belly that tosses AJ from ring rope to ring rope! That deserves that TNA chant it gets. AJ working the leg, then goes for a flying move to the outside that gets another small TNA chant. He then tries to bodyslam a 350 pound giant, forgetting that he's meant to be Flair and not Hogan. More working the leg. Referee gets physical for a rope break.

"Ole" chants for a Pele, and polite golf applause for a springboard flying forearm. How fickle of them. I think Taz says "the Big Show" once. Abyss catapults AJ face-first into a propped up steel chair (no DQ? Anyone?) then gets Shock Treatment for 2 and a half. AJ kicks out of a Black Hole Slam for no reason. Flair pepper sprays the referee so AJ can get a nut shot and belt shot, because finishes can't be clean anymore. Hogan comes out with a new referee... and it's Earl Hebner, who has been bought? Why? As the old man wheels the other old man to the back, AJ hits a springboard 450, but Abyss kicks out with STYLE, Hulks up, and breaks the fucking ring with a chokeslam! Hebner throws the match out, because... why? Because the heel's gotta get a screwy win?

Hogan wants to declare Abyss the winner, Flair wheels out to continue his beef, Abyss drags him in so Hogan can get Flair with a spray to the face, then Desmond Wolfe runs in to get the same treatment. Both heels comically tumble into the ring hole. I feel very un-X Division right now. See you on Monday Night Impact.