Sky "enjoys" the TNA Immortal Era

[Bobby Barrows]

What an awful show.

 

[Sky]

Impact May 13, 2010 - If You Asked Me On A Thursday, I'd Say...​

We're back on Thursdays now! So now perhaps we can focus on good booking? Maybe? Just a little good booking? As a treat? The obligatory recap takes in the Hogan/Sting argument, Desmond Wolfe made to look like a loser in his World Title shot, and AJ Styles overshadowing Wolfe immediately after. Title is "Three Tickets to Sacrifice". It's kind of amazing how their next PPV has fallen by the wayside for the sake of car crash Monday night booking (sometimes literally, given that Abyss was at one point involved in the world's slowest hit and run). "Thursday Night Action" sign in the crowd. Wasn't this show one of the taped ones?

Enter Eric Bischoff, and it occurs to me I haven't really heard his solo theme very often. It's a nice one. He pretends to care about the fans for a bit, then brings out RVD, a man who is probably too out of it to care about anyone or anything. Turns out the next opponent decided by the poll is Jeff Hardy (the teenage girl demographic likes that news). However, apparently no one can track him down. I could make a reference to him being out of his mind on drugs when he should be working, like I do all the time, but that would be kind of sad considering that that actually happened. Bisch gives RVD the night off, which RVD doesn't like (out of character?)

Suit AJ is here, and he chastises RVD for saying "F'n". Since there's a vacancy, he wants to have an extra match against RVD right here tonight. Because... of RVD's legs, apparently. I wish I were making that up. Also, references to "Cheech and Chong sideshow", because the only promo heels can cut on RVD involves weed references. Finally Hardy gets here, and explains the reason for his complete uncontactability was because he had no idea that Impact was going to be on Thursday. Guess this is a three-way match main event now! Come to think of it, Bischoff could actually make a pretty decent Regal/Cueto-esque neutral GM given the reactions he's getting in this segment.

And we're on a hot streak, because for the third Impact in a row, after the opening segment we get a Beautiful People appearance! Madison Rayne mouths off about how she's going to retire Tara. Velvet reiterates how ALL the gold is going to stay with the Beautiful People. Lacey has to go to the bathroom. That's the dynamic we have right there. I wish I got paid to be completely brainless on TV like Lacey did. I showed a remarkable amount of restraint by not mentioning the dress that Velvet's wearing until now. It's unreal.

Match 1: Tara vs. Taylor Wilde​

We get something that we've never seen before in this rewatch: Taylor Wilde's solo tron! I should have pushed her just a little in my BTB. This match is following Tara's attack on her own partners on the last Monday show. Tara is dressed less like a wrestler and more like a Nitro Girl. Taz takes a shot at Mike Adamle, which feels tasteless. They REALLY want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. We're told about two matches that are set for Sacrifice: Rob Terry vs. Orlando Jordan for the Global title (makes sense) and Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe in a "Ring vs. Chelsea" match. That second one I wanted to comment on - I know it's been set up in previous storylines, but the stipulation feels... super Russo.

And by the time I've finished typing this up, the match has finished. Wow. That was not even a minute and a half. The finish was lame too; Wilde tries a top rope something and gets a kick to the midsection. Tara pins her for three, which 0 people expected and 0 people reacted to. Well, guess the burials from last week aren't over! You may disagree, but this feels like making Taylor Wilde look like an absolute loser. She didn't even need a Widow's Peak to go down. Tara then beats on Wilde with the knee brace until Sarita makes the save. Don't tell me she'll be burying Sarita later in the show...

We go to the back, with an inconsolable Chelsea and Desmond Wolfe loudly trying to get the cameras away from her. Christy Hemme reports that Chelsea was attacked. I wonder if it's Abyss? Thanks, commentators! Back to the ring, Brian Kendrick has a jobber entrance (with his obvious rip-off version of a CLASSICAL PIECE, again!). Another British heel - Douglas Williams is out, with the X Division title belt that he still has. He declares this match non-title, which... is pointless, given that it's non-title anyway.

Match 2: Douglas Williams vs. Brian Kendrick​

This is predictably a complete drubbing. Kendrick gets 0 offense, despite getting a decent crowd response. Kaz on commentary - he references Sacrifices! Because it's Sacrifice! Taz reminds him that the belt's right there, which allows Kaz to go and grab the belt that he won. Doug's about to grab "his" belt in advance, which allows Kendrick to get a roll-up win! The teenage girl demographic in the Impact Zone loves this! You know what would have been fun? If Kendrick had won the belt as a result of this match. Then you'd have multiple title lineages and you could stretch it to a unification at Bound for Glory. But no, Russo booking is bad fun and not good fun.

Return to Christy backstage. Apparently Chelsea has named her attacker. Christy goes to ask Simon Diamond (yeah that's a name I didn't expect to see around yet) who did it, but he can't say anything. He can't believe it. After the break, Christy claims that she knows the attacker now (this is huge, apparently) but she can't say anything until the attacker is in custody. Who could it be? Is it Abyss? The commentators implied it was Abyss before we even knew anything about the attack! Thanks, commentators!

Match 3: Matt Morgan vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) - Handicap Match​

Jobber entrance for the Bucks. They're getting fed to one guy again, aren't they? Lame. Mild "Morgan" chants. Morgan promos on Hogan mid-match, tells him to give him a partner, then starts beating on the Bucks again. All of this is interrupted (but the match isn't thrown out?) when Samoa Joe comes out and attacks him. Joe gets a 7 foot tall guy in the Muscle Buster and looks really intense, which is kind of nice. What isn't nice is when Morgan is laid out and the Band come out. Oh yeah, Kevin Nash had a Feast or Fired Tag Team briefcase... Oh no. Kevin Nash had a Feast or Fired Tag Team briefcase.

Match 4: Matt Morgan (c) vs. The Band (Kevin Nash/Scott Hall) - Feast or Fired Cash-In Handicap Match for the World Tag Team Championship​

Nash struggles to get down for the pin, but it doesn't matter. New World Tag Team Champions - The Band. Sigh. Hopefully they Freebird this with Young so Scott Hall doesn't have to wrestle. They're going to be facing Ink Inc., it seems... And we go to the back where Moore and Neal are team talking... apparently during the Kendrick/Williams match, judging by the audible announcer and entrance music. I like these poorly lit backstage things, when they don't cause obvious continuity errors as they did just there.

Match 5: Team 3D (Brother Devon/Brother Ray) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) vs. Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal)​

We're only 30 minutes in, if you can believe that. They're having all the matches at the beginning this time, rather than at the end. Shelley is playing with a dog tag (or is it a Warrior Medallion? You never know with these things). Guns do a cool move where Shelley stands on the second rope (is it cool to call it Bret's rope still?) to hold the ropes open so Sabin can do a suicide dive between his legs. Nice. I feel bad for not making the Bucks tag champs. Shelley breaks up a Devon pin attempt with an eye poke. I don't really like blind tag-type 4-ways, for the record. I prefer them all in at once.

"Hitting Shannon Moore like he owes him money" - Taz. It seems he lives in different circles from the rest of us. They repeatedly refer to the Chelsea attack, not really giving a shit about the match. "We want Jesse" chants. Jesse Neal is over?? What?? How?? He manages to get in and clear house, but then the Guns start to do Guns things which is also fun. Back in the ring, Jesse Neal gets doubled up on by Team 3D (continuity!). Are they meant to be heels now? Mooregasm and Spear combo wins it for Ink Inc. Also Moore is bleeding around the ear. I still don't see why there were such big chants for Jesse Neal, but I also don't get why they considered him so low-tier that he was on food stamps. (I didn't make that up. He was on food stamps at one point.)

Ric Flair's in the dressing room, and he's subtitled again with tiny subtitles. "As you know, I've been barred from the ring" - no, I didn't know that, Ric. He rates AJ because there's a rift between RVD and Hardy - it's more likely there's a rift between the two faces and the heel, Ric. "AJ doesn't need me", says the man who's cheated on AJ's behalf numerous times and has turned him into a prop for his feud with Hulk Hogan. And he uses the "because Ric Flair said so" line again. We get backstage footage of RVD and Hardy which is pretty generic in all honesty. Doesn't feel like a rift, really. Also, same tiny subtitles.

Match 6: Rob Terry (c) vs. Abyss - for the Global Championship​

Yes, Match 6. It's the top of the second hour. Champion out first, which feels like a bad sign. Abyss... doesn't come out. Christy is right to the back to witness Abyss being handcuffed by police! Way to telegraph the outcome! He continues to plead innocence. Wolfe comes in to beat him up and police hold him off too. Hogan shows up to protect Abyss' identity (because the police say they need the mask off, of course).

Back in the ring, commentary is bewildered, and so is Terry, until Orlando Jordan comes out and attacks him! Storylines intersecting! Just like I said before! "Yes" chants. Jordan goes for the nut shot, and keeps his hand there for entirely too long. That's some good character work right there. He leaves a "Wild Card" on Terry's back. "I didn't know he's into Poker" -Taz, who should know that he's into both Poke-her and Poke-him. Crowd wants him to leave, to which he responds by giving an open challenge. Hey, it's Tomko! It's been so long that the reaction is... shall we say, "Conway-esque".

Match 7: Orlando Jordan vs. Tomko​

Taz talks about Orlando Jordan being a former amateur wrestler and good boxer, which I feel has been overly de-emphasised in favour of the "equal opportunity sexual assault" character he has. Ultimately, though, this is just a very short match between two guys I couldn't give less of a shit about. Orlando wins after locking on a guillotine choke (which looks very homoerotic) and the referee calls for the bell. Tomko didn't even look passed out. Another poor refereeing performance by Earl Hebner.

Hulk Hogan is in the back, being sad that Abyss has been taken away by the police... until Lacey Von Erich shows up! She hands him her phone and says it was a big mistake. Hm. We get 20 seconds of awkwardness before Bischoff dresses down Tara. He says she's got to wrestle Sarita because she's been acting way too heelish recently. Makes sense. Just that it's yet another match for an already match-heavy Impact. Where's the dumb promo segments?

Match 8: Tara vs. Sarita​

The fake Mexican deserves better. I've noticed Tara is using a different cut of her theme since she started acting heelish. Odd, because the usual cut seems heelier. They talk about Bischoff listening to the fans - if they listened to the fans, Daffney would be champion and not get injured by untrained 400-pounders. Sarita tries to strip off the knee brace and accidentally elbows the referee, which takes him out exactly long enough to let Tara use the knee brace and pin for the three. I feel genuinely bad for both Taylor Wilde and Sarita, both in and out of kayfabe. Tara continues to beat on Sarita for just a bit.

Video package about heel Sting. They say Sting made a "silent but vicious" appearance, because "silent but deadly" is the name of a fart. The only appearance that Jeff jarrett has had on this show is archive footage. This is supposed to be a top feud in the twisted, deranged minds of the bookers; why not have jarrett appear? Oh well. Time for the main event, as the teen girl demographic signals the arrival of Jeff Hardy!

Match 9: Rob Van Dam vs. AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy​

Hardy is in a weird orange face mask. Taz calls RVD's fanbase "a little bit different", presumably in the same way Jeff Hardy will show up to wrestle a match while "a little bit different" in a year's time. They talk about the fan voting, at which point I should mention I'm pretty sure Jeff Hardy didn't actually win the vote this week. Desmond Wolfe did again. Would really show how much they really care about listening to the fans. RVD's kicks look so effortless (in a good way) and so effortless (in a bad way) at the same time. Jeff does a move that's half-cutter, half-stunner, and seemingly all-botched.

AJ reminds us that he's meant to be a proxy for Ric Flair by locking on the Figure 4. Mr. Anderson shows up to attack Jeff Hardy (does this count as storylines intersecting?). We get a ref bump, allowing RVD to go for the save, and AJ to lay everyone out with a flying senton bomb. TNA chants. It's been a long time since I heard those... Finish comes soon after, with the bumped ref not seeing AJ's feet on the ropes as he pins RVD.

Hardy tells Anderson to come and have a go if you think you're hard enough, which Anderson answers by escaping... until he's blocked by Hogan! Because Hogan is the ultimate force for good in this show! Whenever Hogan isn't around, the wrestlers should look around and ask, "Where's Hogan?" This lets Hardy and Anderson brawl for a bit, which ends in a Swanton from the announce table, through another table. I cringe whenever I see the Swanton. It looks way too risky. They dwell on this for a couple of minutes before showing the footage that Lacey Von Erich took.

It's in the bathroom! And it's of Wolfe and Chelsea! Wait, Lacey's trip to the bathroom was actually relevant? Holy shit, that's genuinely amazing even though it's stupid. This has been match-heavy enough, I want to bring it up to double figures, so I'll call this a match.

"Match" 10: Lacey Von Erich vs. The Attempt To Frame Abyss​

So it turns out it was a setup! Wolfe tears Chelsea's dress and splashes her with water in order to make it look like she's been assaulted. Chelsea protests a surprising amount for an accomplice. They bleep the word "paranoid" but don't censor it out of the subtitles. Wolfe and Chelsea try to get the story straight together. Finish presumably comes afterwards when Lacey gets the footage to Hogan. The commentary try to digest what they've just seen, but not for too long, because it's time to hype Sacrifice! The rest of the episode is a music video hype package that lasts a legit five minutes. So, might as well run down the card to finish! See you there.

Next up: Sacrifice

Rob Van Dam (c) vs. AJ Styles - for the World Heavyweight Championship
The Band (c) vs. Ink Inc. - for the World Tag Team Championship
Kazarian (c) vs. Douglas Williams - for the X Division Championship
Madison Rayne (c) vs. Tara - Title vs. Career Match for the Knockouts Championship
Rob Terry (c) vs. Orlando Jordan - for the Global Championship
Sting vs. Jeff jarrett
Jeff Hardy vs. Mr. Anderson
Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe - Ring vs. Chelsea​

 

[Chris]

Desmond Wolfe deserved so much better

 

[Mitch Buchannon]

Desmond Wolfe deserved so much better

Imagine if he hadn’t fucked up his physical with WWE and went there instead? The up-and-coming talent they had and the more established solid workers they had.


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[Gentleman Jake]

Imagine if he hadn’t fucked up his physical with WWE and went there instead? The up-and-coming talent they had and the more established solid workers they had.


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Hep C still would have cut it short


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[Sky]

Sacrifice 2010 - 肏你妈霍克霍肯​

Today we're going to be watching the 2010 Chinese historical drama film, Sacrifice... wait, what? That? Well, it's the first thing I got when I googled "Sacrifice 2010"! Don't blame me.

So yeah, we're still going to be watching an incomprehensible mess featuring figures of the past, but actually it's a wrestling PPV! Our obligatory video package defines the word "Sacrifice", appropriate given that the concept of sacrifice is the basis for a good number of the matches in this PPV every year for some reason. And we get a bunch of people saying what they'll sacrifice. A reminder of RVD's clowning of Desmond Wolfe, which was kind of unwelcome. "I've come from UK 4 TNA" sign in the crowd. I feel bad for you.

We get ring announcement coming from... Jeremy Borash? Yes, long-time ring announcer David Penzer, who'd done this for the past 5 years, was fired ON THE DAY of this PPV. What the fuck? Why would you do that to him? Anyway, I'll miss Penzer, and his obsession with time limits that would never be reached.

Match 1: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) vs. Team 3D (Brother Devon/Brother Ray) - World Tag Team Championship Number 1 Contender's Match​

Guess this is a match of the three who didn't win the four-way a couple of Impacts ago. "Beer Money" chants during their entrance, even though they're heels. Taz references AWA, and admits he's about to call Team 3D the Dudleys before stopping himself. Scattered chants for Alex Shelley and Robert Roode, specifically those two. Shelley does a body scissors bulldog which looks nice but seems like Roode has way too much time to counter. Guns do their really clean tag team attacks and get way over. Video game wrestling, indeed. Brother Ray makes a blind tag and Storm looks offended, as if he's never been in a three-way dance before.

They talk about "Smash Mouth style" a lot in reference to Team 3D. "Did you ever hear about Team 3D's Smash Mouth style?" "Well, somebody once told me..." Taz calls a kick to the mush by its Japanese name. Sabin hits an enzuigiri which makes Devon sell like he's shot, then misses the crossbody on Ray to the outside. "Stupid!" -Ray, channelling Randy Orton. Ray misses a top rope senton. That looked painful. Guns do a really cool move where Shelley does a crossbody, is caught by both of Team 3D, and Sabin dropkicks his partner to cut both of them down. That one "through the legs suicide dive" move I mentioned last Impact gets TNA chants.

Beer Money do a double suplex. I don't understand double suplexes. Are they supposed to be more powerful? There's a full three minutes dedicated to Shelley playing Ricky Morton. On a PPV match. Sabin's tornado DDT seems to drop Roode on his head. Order breaks down, "AEW style". "We want tables" chants. 3D denied by a beer spit. Finish is the Skull and Bones, which honestly looks like the least impactful or effective of the Guns' finishers. It's just neckbreaker + splash = win. Good tag team times though.

We get a Tenay and Taz segment where they waffle on about how Desmond Wolfe's plan to have Abyss falsely imprisoned as a rapist was foiled by Lacey Von Erich's bathroom break. Apparently local authorities are investigating Wolfe and Chelsea for filing a false police report. If so, why is the match going on? Does due process take a back seat to wrestling? We're getting 5 title matches tonight, apparently. No time to slot in the Knockouts Tag Team Championship again? Aw. I want to see Velvet Sky again. The tale of the tape calls the next match a "Battle of the Freaks". Who wrote this shit? Probably AJ Styles. "The GAY community?!"

Match 2: Rob Terry (c) vs. Orlando Jordan - for the Global Championship​

Orlando is lowered in, though thankfully this time in gold tights and not police tape. Rob Terry just storms in and attacks. His punches look completely ineffective. Tomko is apparently counted among Terry's most illustrious victories. It's pointed out about 2 and a half minutes in that Jordan has had 0 offense. And yet he kicks out of the running powerslam. The psychology is largely reserved to Terry getting his knee hurt. The match drags. "Sort of a unique pin attempt" says Tenay to a Jordan pin attempt that looks positively Jenna Morasca-esque.

Nobody home on a knee drop, which lets Terry back in, and he wins from a high chokeslam (Freak Buster, apparently) out of nowhere. That was bad. And sadly, it seems this feud is continuing, because as Terry limps out (the Freak does not limp, surely) Jordan catches him and works his knee with the title belt. Please end this. We go backstage to Team 3D as Brother Ray complains about the beer in his eyes. Ink Inc. come in and say "yeah, we're going to win", after which Ray flips his shit at Jesse Neal's locker room etiquette. He should have confronted him and told him to go be a fan. Video package for the X Division match.

Match 3: Kazarian (c) vs. Douglas Williams - for the X Division Championship​

It's occurred to me we haven't seen Magnus in a while. "Doug Got Robbed" sign in the crowd. "Champeen" -Taz. This one looks like it'll be mat-based and non-flippy by X Division standards. Doug's a good mat guy though, so that's fine. Tenay tells an interesting story about the time he met Kaz at an autograph session. This is very hold-for-hold, which is an interesting direction to take the X Division in. Kaz does a slingshot side-roll pin, which looks pretty cool. Doug bridges with Kaz's knees on his stomach. Nice bit of strength there. Taz talks about neck strength as a prelude to a minute-long neck move.

The first time this match goes to the top rope, Doug shoves Kaz off it and gives his face a meeting with the entrance walkway. Oof. Kaz does what Tenay describes as a slingshot crossbody but was more of a slingshot elbow strike to the shoulder. He later does one of my favourite moves, the swinging neckbreaker. I like moves that spin. A reversed Chaos Theory ends in a roll-up that gets two. Move reversal pin attempts are cool too. Doug powerbombs Kaz into the turnbuckles, which is a move I hate seeing. Followed by a kneeling brainbuster. How is Kaz's neck still existing?

This match is getting decent time. Kaz does what looks to be a spinning version of the Mic Check. Again, moves that spin are good to me. An electric chair move ends in the Chaos Theory suplexes and the win! New X Division Champion - Douglas Williams. I notice only now that Kaz's fist tape has "RIP RJD on it". I looked it up, and apparently this PPV was also the same day that Ronnie James Dio died. I didn't quite make that connection. But yeah. Doug still has the belt, but he wins the meaning behind it.

Backstage segment with Wolfe and Chelsea. "Nothing has changed" says a man who forgets he's been involved in a plot to falsely accuse Abyss of God knows what, and there's a chance he'll lose Chelsea to a 6'10", 350 pound man who hates both of them. "We can deal with the police when it comes" -Wolfe, and also the bookers. He then tries to blame Chelsea for wanting the ring, and apparently he cares about the rankings (because they're the only thing that values him). Video package about the Knockouts match (we're reminded that the Lockboxes were a thing. Why?) where they flash back to Tara's previous matches back in the six-sided days. I don't like her chances of winning a Title vs. Career match considering that.

Match 4: Madison Rayne (c) vs. Tara - Title vs. Career Match for the Knockouts Championship​

Or a "Career vs. Title" match, as Borash calls it. Lacey is inexplicably front and centre in TBP's entrance. Also: Velvet in a very body-con dress again. "Out came the Rayne and washed the spider out" sign. I like signs supporting the heels. Actually, is Rayne a heel in this crowd's eyes? Tara's been way more heelish recently. Taz seems thirstiest for Lacey, which is odd given that (against type) she's dressed the most conservatively of the three. I've noticed that when TBP members have a match, I talk a lot more about their entrances than I do the match itself. There's a reason for that. Madison tells her partners to go to the back, which seems overconfident.

Tara seems to be going for the WIdow's Peak early. Dueling chants where the "Let's go Madison" side is overwhelmingly masculine. Go figure. "Madison Rayne gets nailed from behind" -Tenay. I am not making this shit up. Tara's doing the full crazy act. A series of rollups makes me think that Madison's about to do her bodyscissors... "move", but she never does. Tara breaks a decent hold because she can. I get the feeling that overconfidence is the theme of this match. Eventually, we get a Widow's Peak, but Tara's attempt to pin is Triple H at WM19-tier slow, so much so that Madison has already rolled away. Commentary tries to sell it as "momentum".

Tara declines to go for the standing moonsault, and instead hits a top-rope moonsault, which is arguably less impressive. She then cries hysterically at the pin being broken up. Then she goes for a second moonsault, as if Madison wouldn't see it coming. Madison predictably rolls away, hits her finisher, an inverted knee to the back of the neck (which is apparently called the Rayne Drop), and pins her for the three. Madison doesn't even act like she's ended a storied career. Obligatory "thank you Tara" moment as an emotional, now apparently retired Tara brings Poison out of its box so it can soak in the crowd's love. I'm surprised there was no Poison chant.

Oh bollocks, it's the Band. Young does the talking initially, because he doesn't sound bored or intoxicated. Then he gives the mic to Hall, who sounds very "I love you, man". Nash clarifies that they will indeed Freebird that shit, and that any given night, we could expect any combination of them. Except that, in fact, Nash and Hall are the two that are dressed to wrestle, so it's kind of pointless speculating about who gets to wrestle tonight. "Boys, you got a great future" -Nash, in an extreme out-of-character moment. I like how they call the tag team Tale of the Tape "Tag Lines". "X Factors" is also cool.

Match 5: The Band (Kevin Nash/Scott Hall) (c) vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) - for the World Tag Team Championship​

At least "Tattooed Attitude" debuts here. It's better than the Band's crappy cheapo-synth version of the Wolfpac theme. Nash and Hall come out to a Conway pop. "They beat the system" -Tenay, on two men with obvious creative control. Scott Hall has "KLIQ" on his trunks. Fuck, he looks depressing too. He's lethargic, and every limb of his is so rigid. A tag to Nash gets "Jesse" chants. I may have been unfair to this guy. He was over, so it seems. Nash does the "outstretched foot to the corner" thing that I've rarely seen men do at all, especially men as immobile as 2010 Nash.

"I say taller, because we have a height advantage" -Captain Taz Obvious. Nash holds Hall back to get more leverage on a neverending abdominal stretch while commentary wonders what the correct pronunciation of "leverage" is. Moore lands a crossbody. Surely Nash could catch him easily? Ref bump, because of course. Eric Young coming out to interfere, because OF COURSE. Interference fails, and Jesse Neal steals the kendo stick... but Young steals it back... but Brother Ray comes out to attack Young for the save... but then he hits Neal straight in the head with the kendo stick. How many swerves is that in one match? Nash gets the pin and the win.

Video package for the Abyss/Wolfe feud, which is framed very much like a true crime drama. I notice how much Abyss spits when he speaks. "Good luck, Mr. Wolfe!" -Taz, which makes him sound like he's in a children's bedtime story. Once upon a time, there was a big masked mental patient and an allegation of rape...

Match 6: Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe - Ring vs. Chelsea​

The crowd collectively groans when they hear a wolf howl again, but they realise it's fine because it's Desmond Wolfe's entrance. There's a chair in the entrance walkway, apparently specifically for Chelsea to sit on. Abyss skips his entrance to beat on Wolfe. I wouldn't blame him, but it means we don't get to hear American Made again. We're reminded that the Florida police are investigating Wolfe. "Get up!" shouts Chelsea demandingly, as if it's that easy. She refuses to sit in her chair, and that's a distraction. We're reminded of the ranking system, as first place in the fan vote faces last place in the fan vote.

There's an armlock used effectively as a rest hold, while Chelsea gives the two the eyes in exactly the same sort of way that Christy used to do to Matt Morgan. This is very slow-paced and not at all PPV quality. Dueling chants which are somehow slightly Desmond-sided. "Let's go AH-byss" - about 45% of the crowd. "In the queen's chair" -Tenay, probably aware that "on the throne" would less describe where Chelsea is and more where Lacey von Erich was when she took the video that outed the scheme. Wolfe apparently has to sprint across the ring and bounce off the first rope before he hits the European uppercut.

"That dreaded clothesline that Wolfe is known for", apparently, is more deadly as a finisher than the Tower of London, even though we've never seen either of them finish for months. Abyss goes to attack Chelsea, which allows her to slip Wolfe the brass knuckles. Abyss kicks out of a brass knuckle shot, Hulks up, and hits a Black Hole Slam to win. He really is a Hogan clone. "I'll see you on Thursday" -Abyss, spitting in Chelsea's face as he talks. She looks traumatised.

"My guest right now" -Christy, as if the phrase "at this time" is copyrighted. Mr. Anderson eschews her mic to bring his own. He then talks about what it would be like to be a Jeff Hardy fan, and accidentally starts a "Let's go Hardy" chant. Anderson is actually a decent talker, I've been unfair to them. Apparently Anderson has his own fan community nickname. "Anderson's Assholes". Which gets a big pop. Anderson has more assholes than we thought.

Match 7: Jeff Hardy vs. Mr. Anderson​

This match is going on surprisingly late, given that it's based on a feud that Hardy randomly inserted himself into a couple of Impacts ago. Oh yeah, Anderson is taped up. "I'm an asshole" chants. Why did they have to bleep it on Lockdown but not here? Anderson ducks a crossbody which leaves Hardy pretty uncomfortably landing on the outside. This is pretty end-to-end. Anderson's generic mid-2000s WWE style matches Hardy's well. This match feels like testing the waters for an Anderson face turn. Minute-long abdominal stretch counter so far this PPV: 2. Elbow drop -> Hardy gets the boots up -> Anderson catches the boots and hits a grounded elbow drop. Nice sequence, not gonna lie.

The teen girl demographic seems to be far less significant than usual on this show. A back body drop to the entrance walkway gets a "holy shit" chant. The only thing really shocking about it is how Anderson very nearly landed on his head there. A significantly more interesting spot is a jumping leg lariat off a steel chair to bring Anderson into the ring. Hardy has a bleeding elbow. They do the standard "two exhausted guys punch each other" spot. Hardy thinks it's a slow count. Maybe they're also testing the waters for the Hardy heel turn? Hardy has Anderson in perfect position for the Twist of Fate but instead he goes for a front suplex like an idiot, which gives Anderson control. The Mic Check doesn't lead directly to a win, which I think is a first.

"Never saw that kick coming" -Tenay on that same leg-catch-to-spinning-heel-kick spot that Hardy does in all of his matches. Hardy changes his mind on a Swanton when he sees that he's got no chance of hitting it, but then doesn't change his mind a second time in a similar situation. Second rope Green Bay Plunge attempt fails, sadly, and leads to a Swanton for the pin. Victory is surprisingly muted. In a close-up shot of Hardy, nonplussed fans are seen clapping quietly in the crowd. Anderson offers the handshake but Hardy turns him down. Like I said, it feels like they're testing the idea of switching both their alignments soon.

We go backstage to RIc Flair's Party Office, where Naitch and the challenger AJ are here to talk about themselves. "How can you respect a man who doesn't respect himself?" -AJ, who has done so many high spots already in his career that he probably won't be able to walk by 50. "Nothing and like it" returns as a catchphrase again. We get a video package on the Sting/jarrett feud on "who's really trying to defend TNA and who's a heelish maniac?". In hindsight, we know that Sting should be the face here, but currently... actually, I still think Sting's the face.

Match 8: Sting vs. Jeff jarrett​

Oh hey, jarrett gets a proper entrance again... Or not, because we go backstage and see Sting just beating him down. He's already heavily bleeding while Sting starts to break his arm with the bat. Surprisingly, jarrett is getting chants. Sting takes him to the commentary desk seemingly so he can bleed on the format sheet. Doesn't even smash his face on the table. Disappointing. Sting continues to target the shoulder. "Hogan" chants. When they finally get into the ring, it only takes one Scorpion Death Drop to end it. "Yeah" -Tenay.

Sting does a post-match promo and refers to the "deception game" and "those guys". Confusing. jarrett is stretchered off until Sting pushes him off the stretcher. Hogan drops by to keep the peace because he Loves TNA And Totally Isn't Evil You Guys. Tenay tries to avoid using the phrase "shit-eating grin" even though this is PPV. We get a lengthy recap of the beatdown while they prepare for the main event. This just feels awkward when there's no real match to recap.

Christy interview time, and it's with RVD. He somehow sounds less coherent than Scott Hall. He claims all the belts he's had are meaningless next to TNA. He really is high. Video package is entirely dedicated to "please love RVD". It's noted that AJ cashed in his rematch clause. The Pope did not get his rematch clause. Yes, I'm still salty.

Match 9: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. AJ Styles - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

They have pre-entrance music still. Nice. During his pre-entrance RVD hits his hand on a light fixture. Hopefully they work that into the psychology of the match. RVD's theme is way over. Earl Hebner is refereeing. I expect shenanigans. A scattered subset of fans perform an a capella version of RVD's theme until the match begins. We go 2 and a half minutes with no offensive manoeuvres, and the one that breaks that streak is a collar-and-elbow tie-up which is broken up because AJ pulls the hair. Very little happens until Ric gets sent to the back and squares up with the referee before departing for commentary. Heh. Fun times.

AJ throws the match into life with a suicide senton, at least that's what it looks like. Ric Flair says he'd never showboat and Taz immediately mentions the strut to shut him up. I remember when he did the strut at WMXX and that lost his team the match. "I'm taking control here, brother!" -Flair, doing a Hogan impression. Whoever told AJ to be slow and stop doing flippy shit forgets why every single early TNA fan got into TNA. A rope choke makes me wonder: where does hitting a guy to break a submission end, and where does tapping out begin?

Flair rants about having sex with a lot of women. Can we have him on commentary every week? I'm not into this at all. I mean, it's an RVD match in 2010. AJ faceplants in the corner, pretty awkwardly. RVD goes for a bridging Northern Lights suplex, which doesn't look like it could be a secure pinning combination at all. Multiple roll-up sequence... yay?? This is dragging. Has anyone ever tried to counter a Figure 4 into a roll-up before? RVD just did it. AJ misses a springboard 450.

Flair gets tired of doing old man rants on commentary and tries to intervene, but who should run in but... Jay Lethal?? Wasn't he supposed to be just happy to be here and respecting Flair? Well, we get a Figure 4 by Lethal, attempted superplex by AJ fails, RVD hits his frog splash and retains. That sure was a main event, plodding though it was. The "This = Ratings" guy brought his sign, I find out, as we fade out. That's nice. See you on Impact.

 

[Chris]

Rob Terry vs Orlando Jordan is peak PPV quality

 

[Sky]

Impact May 20, 2010 - Chelsea Bagger​

Our video package asks us "Last Sunday, who made the ultimate sacrifice?" Uh... nobody, at least if you're talking about the main event. Everyone involved, including Ric Flair and Jay Lethal, will probably be fine to show up tonight. If you're talking overall, you've got Tara, who's lost her career, and Chelsea, who now has to skivvy for a man she tried to put in jail. Oh yeah, and Kazarian lost the X Division title. It's interesting to see post-match footage here that we didn't see at the PPV, including Sting blaming Hogan for jarrett being half dead, and Anderson being surprisingly sporting. "10 Card Stud" is the title. Not another tournament, again?

No intro, and we get a reminder of the "Championship Committee's Top 10 Rankings". Is it more than just the fan voting? Because there's no indication that it's any more than just the fan voting. In addition to all this, say Tenay and Taz, there's going to be a big announcement about our main event, and Kurt Angle coming back. They literally admit it's a 30-day hiatus. He sounded like he was going to soul-search for a good, good while, not just go away for a PPV cycle or so.

Bischoff enters with Miss Tessmacher, who for the record is dressed not in a secretary's outfit, but what I imagine a Halloween costume of "sexy secretary" would look. Complete with push-up top. She's literally just there to stand and look pretty. Bischoff explains that the committee is made up of himself, Hogan, and Dixie Carter (because we trust them, right??) and that it's more than just the fan polling. It's fan polling + career win record + TNA win record. Sounds like that's designed to produce ex-WWE/WCW guys gunning for the championship while the guys you should be pushing are locked out, doesn't it? Well, let's find out!

The TNA Top 10 Rankings: April/May 2010​

Number 10... Samoa Joe! They all come out in suits as the guys in the back show hype videos for each one. Apparently there are few who can stand between him and championship gold. Well, there's RVD, and 9 other guys. And the Championship Committee. And the fans who didn't vote for him.
Number 9... Rob Terry! I love how they try to pretend the Global Championship means something and make us forget that it was IN KAYFABE made as a vanity belt for Kevin Nash to carry around. Terry doesn't even bring the thing out with him!
Number 8... Desmond Wolfe?? Well that's proof that the fan votes are just crumpled up and thrown in the bin. He gives the V's to the fans, even though those were the same fans who had him at number 1 in the poll.
Number 7... The Pope! I guess he's another one who got by largely on the fan vote. I'm still mad that he didn't get a legit non-screwjob match for the title. He comes out in what I think is meant to be a subtle pimp suit. "It's only a matter of time" until he's champ, they say of a man who never held gold in TNA before or since.
Number 6... Abyss. Last in the fan poll is two places above first in the fan poll. Abyss gets a Cenaesque reaction. Or should I say a "face Hogan in WCW" reaction because that's what he's been booked to be. He comes out in his regular ring jacket. The hype video talks about him exclusively as "The Monster" and doesn't even mention the magic ring thing.
Number 5... Mr. Anderson. They mention him being a free agent acquisition, and that reminds me... who was the free agent that Hogan was meant to be picking up before they had to change their mind because Jay Lethal was an idiot? No one remember that? No one in the back there?
Number 4... Jeff Hardy?? That's a swerve. This is a guy who surely ranks highly in all categories, but he's only 4th? Teenage girl demographic is muted at this news. Hardy isn't snappily dressed at all. It's only fair; after all, he has to keep that suit ready for whenever his next court date is.
Number 3... AJ Styles! Makes sense. He's the former champion, he's been booked strong. But who could be above him? The hype video talks him up, about him being the only Grand Slam champion. Makes sense.
Number 2... Kurt Angle??? The guy who's been away for the past month??? Really??? He... doesn't come out. "We want Angle" chants, as the crowd don't take too kindly to being swerved. Two guys in the crowd chant something else I can't make out. Bischoff refuses to be perturbed.
Number 1... Sting. Thought as much. Given that career record is such a big factor, of course you give it to the old guy. But why did you need a championship committee, if it's so formulaic? Why would your championship committee, whose only task is seemingly to use a calculator, give it to a guy who has attacked you and your friends recently?

He comes out all trenchcoated up, as we're reminded that he's hurt jarrett pretty badly recently. Torn rotator cuff... (googles) that's in your shoulder. Makes sense. Crowd is shitting on this. At least I think it is, I can't tell, they're so indistinct. Bisch congratulates Sting on the win, obviously disingenuously. Then we find out Sting's going to face Jeff Hardy. He wrecks the set, then Bischoff, then Abyss with his big black bat. Hardy steals the bat, though, Sting gets a nutshot, RVD comes out, Hardy recovers, and hits a Twist of Fate.

First of all that was a clusterfuck of a segment and a half, wasn't it? Second of all, why isn't Sting vs. Jeff Hardy the feud going into Slammiversary? Why wouldn't they have Hardy/Sting get a chance to not be an embarrassment, then go with the fan vote and have Wolfe or Pope? Oh, of course. Because Hogan and Bischoff and Vince fucking Russo. Additionally, the main event being Sting/RVD means no King of the Mountain match for the world title, for the first time ever. King of the Mountain was an overcomplicated mess, but it was a good tradition. I'll miss it.

We go backstage when Bischoff has a busted knee. "I am done with this clown" -Hogan, who tacitly approved of this clown being Number 1 contender. Matt Morgan comes in and is still doing the "we" thing even though he's not the Tag Team champions anymore. He wants his rematch, and Hogan very abruptly gives it to him and tells him to fuck off. "Sting needs to disappear" -Hogan, in a painfully obvious bit of villain foreshadowing.

Match 1: Madison Rayne vs. Roxxi​

"TNA Knockout Roxxi" says Borash, under the reasonable assumption that people will have forgotten who this effective undercarder and former "Hardcore Knockout" was. They show the New Year's Knockout Eve special (the latest show that we didn't see as part of this rewatch) where Roxxi broke her ankle in two places. They pause on the ankle break, which seems insensitive. Not as insensitive, though, as the fact that they let her go while she was injured, and have brought her back for this. She gets a non-title match against the champ for her troubles, though. Madison is out sans Velvet and Lacey.

Roxxi is surprisingly over given that Borash acted like no one would remember her. She keeps going for one-counts. Taz rambles for a long time about ring rust and Madison's viciousness. They really want us to follow TNA's Facebook page, and then Taz talks about rearranging faces. And he says "champeen" again. Not only are we getting Sting/Hardy later and Abyss taking Chelsea home with him, we're getting Beer Money vs. Jay Lethal and one other guy. Wouldn't it be a swerve if the other guy turned out to be Matt Morgan and the tag team rematch turned into a three-way? Anyway, it's all very Divas-esque, and Roxxi gets a shock win with the Voodoo Drop, which is a nice little finisher. She looks as pleasantly surprised as I am.

We go backstage to Wolfe trying to calm a hysterical Chelsea. "You have nothing to be frayed about" -Wolfe. He reminds her that he's the one with the real hardship, that he'll beat up Abyss if he tries anything (worked out well last time you tried it, eh, Wolfe?). And then he tells her that she's his. Again. Are they setting up for a Chelsea face turn? Feels like it. Kurt Angle, suited up, brushes off a question about why he didn't come out. We get a long video package about Angle and his career and return.

Angle comes out for his return entrance. "Eric Bischoff named him number 2" -Tenay. This makes it sound like the fans had no part in the decision, which is correct. Angle calls TV "the tube", and he loves a fan. He doesn't feel like one of the best anymore because so many people have elevated themselves. Including Jay Lethal apparently, who made himself look like a punk in front of Ric Flair fairly recently. He only cares about going in the ring and wrestling. Which is why he's withdrawing from the top 10 and instead working his way through them in matches. Guess that means an Angle/Joe rematch some time soon?

Ric Flair and Beer Money in the Party Office being interviewed by Christy. Ric doesn't care who Jay Lethal's partner will be. He's just pissed that he did Ric Flair stuff. AJ's the only one who can do Ric Flair stuff. Then he grabs Christy's hand and gets her to touch James Storm's muscle. Guess the Cowboy doesn't get the Christy Hemme Seal of Approval, like Matt Morgan and Kevin Nash do. Maybe he's just not tall enough. Kazarian wants to talk to Ric Flair. Rob Terry's got an injured knee, but he really wants to face Orlando Jordan again for some reason. Apparently he kinda likes pain. At least he's got something in common with Jordan in that case.

Match 2: Rob Terry vs. Orlando Jordan​

A second non-title match involving a champion. Shit, that means this feud's going on, doesn't it? Jordan gets lowered in again, but does not get a reaction. Freak looks very limpy. We get the same match again from last time, but Terry is even less mobile than usual. Jordan works the knee constantly, but this is mostly yet another Rob Terry match with a bit of hopping around. Finish involves Jordan locking in a kneebar - "that's a submission hold", says Taz, for anyone who has literally never seen a wrestling match before in their life - and getting the win by referee stoppage. He doesn't stop, though, requiring four or more referees to drive him off. So Jordan's stronger than Terry is. Good to know.

Jay "Happy To Be Here" Lethal is talking about how he totally meant to honour Ric Flair and not disrespect him, while acting like a very buriable dweeb. It's revealed that this isn't just a white background he's against, but a room all in white, and RVD is in the doorway, offering to partner with him. Um... sure?? We also go backstage to Hardy talking about idolising Sting and being about to beat him up. Though, notably he doesn't disapprove of Sting's actions. Is he using magic marker on his face??

Christy is trying to chase down Shannon Moore, who's trying to hold off Jesse Neal, who's trying to confront Brother Ray. You know, the guy who beat him up at Sacrifice, and is much bigger than him. What is it with faces recently and being idiots? Everyone fails in their task except Jesse, who calls his newfound adversary "Bubba" multiple times. Apparently, beating up your former protegé is an attitude adjustment. Shannon and Devon hold off their respective partners until a brawl starts breaking out.

Match 3: Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) vs. Rob Van Dam/Jay Lethal​

Lethal appears to be doing a Flair voice impersonation but it's drowned out by the music. RVD's theme isn't that over at the moment. "Let's go Lethal" chants, followed by exactly one duelling "Let's go Roode" chant immediately after Lethal takes over the momentum. Taz is a subscriber to the theory that two good singles wrestlers will always be inferior to a tag team. Apparently the championship committee has done something in between tending to Bischoff's leg. There's going to be an 8-man X Division Battle Royal later tonight for the Number 10 slot. "Yuge news" -Taz.

Face/heel double hot tags are really over apparently, as RVD and Roode both get in. Single leg Rider Kick? Is that a tokusatsu reference? Lethal gets a blind tag, RVD doesn't notice, the referee doesn't even try to get him out of the ring. Lethal Combination to Rolling Thunder, and Jay Lethal finishes it with a Figure 4 on Roode! Continuity! Ric Flair, pissed off at being "honoured", hobbles out and starts to fight Lethal to the back. RVD starts celebrating with the fans, when... one of the most iconic moments in TNA history happens. You know the one.



If you're unable to watch the video let me provide a running commentary. A fan in a Sting mask and shirt stands up as RVD passes him, and lightly nudges his head with a steel chair. He then takes off his Sting mask to reveal he's the actual Sting! He climbs over the barricade, nudges RVD's head with the chair again, then walks slowly to the back (but not before gently tossing the steel chair over to him). Wow. I don't know what drugs you had to be on to pitch this minute of television, but I want to be on them constantly. After the break, they recap Sting's actions tonight, including the Sting-in-a-Sting-mask moment.

Jeff Hardy's promo gets a jobber entrance. "No one knows what goes on inside my mind" -Hardy. "Thank god" -a fan, who has seen into the future as far as March of next year. He essentially just says "I'm going to win the match later tonight", which feels like a waste of an appearance. Security goes to the back, to Wolfe and Chelsea's room, and say "it's time" as if one of them is about to be executed. Wolfe threatens them throughout.

Abyss out. He's not being booed as much as he was last time. There's a guy in the crowd with a sign proclaiming him to be Velvet Sky's husband. These days he'd get taken in the back and given a "stern talking to". Chelsea being dragged out by security. Maybe that "one hand on her" threat wasn't plausible after all. Abyss says "bitch" and it's uncensored. Wolfe starts to ramble, dragging out every word, as if he thinks that's the only way the Monster will understand him. He then nutshots Abyss, attacks security (to a face pop!!) and breaks open a decanter and uses the broken glass to cut Abyss' arm open. What the fuck. Anyway, Abyss hits a Black Hole Slam, and drags Chelsea to the back over his shoulder.

Eric Young out with his Band-mates to promo. We've got to fit an X Division battle royal and Sting/Hardy into these last 20 minutes. Why are you wasting time? "We're blood", he says on the two men he's been feuding with. This is seriously Russo 2000 booking. Anyway, this is just another "we're gonna win" promo. Ink Inc. out and Shannon Moore ready to wrestle. Apparently this is supposed to be the setup for a match? Huh.

Match 4: Eric Young vs. Shannon Moore​

Shannon Moore is over. This is the sort of midcard tussle you should be having in a vacuum. No Kevin Nash, no Scott Hall, no bullshit booking, just two good wrestling guys showing their stuff. Tenay and Taz continue to muse on "DILLIGAF", then say Eric Young "hooked up" with Nash and Hall. Also they remind us Sean Waltman existed before he got horribly murdered on Impact. This is mostly pretty clean and pretty decent, until... of course, it ends too early with bullshit. Brother Ray comes in. Jesse Neal goes to fight him via the ring, ref distracted, Hall nails Moore with the title belt, EY hits a piledriver for the 3. Feels like we have an overly cluttered screwjob every week. Ray kills Ink Inc. some more until Devon stops him.

Match 5: Kazarian vs. Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin vs. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Amazing Red vs. Homicide vs. ??? - Battle Royal for the Top 10 Rankings Number 10 spot​

I leave that mystery entrant open because there are only 7 people in the ring, as far as I can see. Red is dumped quickly and unceremoniously. He deserves better. We get a cool double-team move by MCMG but that does mean Max Buck gets eliminated. When we're down to 3 (but only 4 men have been eliminated) Ric Flair comes out to have a look. Presumably at Kazarian. Way to telegraph the winner. Apparently number 8 is Brian Kendrick, but no one has seen him yet. He comes out of nowhere to eliminate Homicide, but gets dumped by Kaz anyway. Flair applauds. Kaz is Number 10, which is still 5 spots below Abyss somehow.

Match 6: Sting vs. Jeff Hardy​

I just had a Vietnam War flashback (flash-forward?) on reading that card. RVD might have cracked ribs, apparently, even though the damage done by Sting after his match was to his head. Neither man's face-paint looks to have kept well since we last saw them. Sting is getting more of a pop than Hardy is, at least initially. There's apparently going to be a NASCAR truck race with a truck based on noted North Carolina native Jeff Hardy. It's the nWo truck all over again. Hardy hurts his knee and Sting takes advantage. Our friend the ticker shows up to tell us about the online post-show. Usually the ticker's out longer.

They do a few signature spots, nothing special. Sting ends up getting his Scorpion Deathlock in, but Hardy gets the rope break. Which is booed! Booing a rope break! What are these fans thinking? When Sting's going for the Death Drop... Mr. Anderson comes in and hits a DDT of his own on Sting?? Hardy wins, Anderson acts all face, Hardy isn't buying it, Anderson looks for his mic but never gets it (see, it isn't really a superpower) and Sting recovers to hit them both with the bat. Crowd chants for Hogan, he never comes.

Actually, come to think of it, we saw very little Hogan on this episode. He went to tend to Bischoff, and we saw him backstage in the Office of Disappointment while he, Dixie and some execs were watching a result that we already knew, but that was it, really. I'm glad of that. Makes me feel better about the show. But not all good things can last... See you next Impact.

 

[Chris]

Sting mask spots will never not pop me

 

[Sky]

Impact May 27, 2010 - You Can Make Me (Ass)Whole Again​

Another Impact, another step on the road to Slammiversary Generic June PPV. Opening package reminds us of the Top 10 rankings, which were "not without controversy". I don't recall any controversy about the rankings themselves - everyone seemed to swallow pretty easily that these were legitimate rankings and not just made up by Hogan and co. The controversy was more about Sting beating people up whom he wasn't scheduled to beat up. Elsewhere, Kurt Angle's mission to prove he's still got it, and Anderson's face turn. Speaking of, the episode's title is "The Enigma and the A-H***". Yes, it's censored like that. Even if you don't say "ass", you still can't say the word "hole". Television makes a lotta sense.

Intro is eschewed once again. We're getting a bumper card tonight. The Beautiful People defending their Knockouts Tag Team titles (yay!), Jay Lethal vs. Kazarian (nice!), and the Band (ugh...) vs. Team 3D and Ink Inc. in a three-way match (promising). Sign in the crowd says "Jeff Hardy Rocks Orlando". I didn't know that was part of the storyline; I thought Mr. Jordan was more interested in works of art like Rob Terry than skinny serial addicts. Come to think of it, is the only reason Orlando Jordan signed for this company because of his name? I'm surprised he hasn't yet said "All the best men are in Orlando every week".

After a bit of waffling from Tenay and Taz, we get a Jeff Hardy entrance. The teenage girl demographic is in fine voice. He's face-painted up for no reason. Hardy says asshole uncensored... then what was the point of censoring it in the title? Out comes the asshole himself. Tenay admits he doesn't understand how face turns work. Anderson apparently doesn't either, because he admits he turned face to confuse everyone. A "we're all assholes" chant begins. Apparently, old ladies think Hardy's an asshole. Maybe that's why we don't hear the old lady demographic when he enters. Anderson riffs on the word asshole until...

We get an appearance from Ric Flair clone, AJ Styles! He's backed up by Flair, Beer Money, and Desmond Wolfe. The pieces are starting to come into place, it seems. AJ just casually drops the news that he's got a match against Anderson tonight. "Do you know who I am?" -AJ, using catchphrases that haven't been used yet. Anderson's about to shout his own name into the handheld mic that Hardy was using, but he changes his mind and calls down his personal mic. Nice touch! Video package of the Ink Inc. / Team 3D / Band feud, before...

Match 1: The Band (Kevin Nash/Scott Hall/Eric Young) vs. Team 3D (Brother Devon/Brother Ray) vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal)​

Jobber entrances for Team 3D and Ink Inc.. Guess this is a handicap match, technically? None of the members of the Band ever leaves the ring apron, and it's "Band Rules" where all 3 can compete?? They never explain it well. Ultimately it doesn't matter because (1) it's WWE triple threat rules where you have to blind tag an opponent, and (2) neither Kevin Nash nor Scott Hall ever enters the match. Brother Ray is probably stiffing Jesse Neal for all the match. He keeps screwing up his team strategy because he wants to kill Jesse. Eventually Devon has to stop him from using an Unprotected Chair Shot to the Head. Jesse Neal effectively says "thanks for the distraction!", and spear = win. We get Team 3D friction, and a match set for Slammiversary: Ray vs. Neal! Storylines! Nice!

Christy's in the locker room with Kazarian. He's way confident, and we find out why - he's a Ric Flair guy! Flair gives him the pep talk while pointing to Christy and looking at no one in particular. He looks like a blind man. AJ is jealous of how much attention Flair is paying to Kaz. RVD's applying duct tape to his fists and announcing his plan to call out Sting legit, without all the trickery. Nah, that's the wrong strategy. Pay trickery unto trickery. You should come out in an RVD mask. Carry a bong for good measure. You'll just look like a fan.

Match 2: Kazarian vs. Jay Lethal​

Kaz is billed from Anaheim, California. That must be wild. You'd have Disneyland in walking distance. The temptation to go regularly would be extreme. In fact, the Impact Zone is entirely inside Universal Orlando, so Kaz probably saw it and thought "Feels like home". Jay Lethal, for the record, is billed from Elizabeth, New Jersey. That is his actual birthplace, but the name Elizabeth certainly must have helped a lot with selling the character of "Macho Man impersonation". I really do talk a lot more about entrances than I do about the matches themselves, huh?

Dueling chants (though they're pretty Lethal-sided) to start off. These are the guys you should be pushing! We get a suicide dive very early on. They really want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter... well, maybe not really want, because commentary doesn't mention it. Ric Flair walks in after a good 2 minutes or so, where he watches Kaz, and does a strut to distract Lethal. They mention Doug Williams vs. Brian Kendrick is set for Slammiversary... I don't think that's even been mentioned before. How random. Lethal does face things and gets a lengthy Figure 4. Finally, the distraction of Flair and Lethal having a slap fight gets the tights assisted roll up for 3.

Flair jumps in to kick Jay Lethal while he's down. Feels sad that Lethal is being beaten on by a man in his sixties. The teenage girl demographic is oddly happy with Flair taking his shirt off, and using it to slap Earl Hebner. Talk about treating your employees right... Lethal does take control, but then AJ Styles shows up. Styles and Kaz interrupt a 2-on-1 to decide who gets to beat up Lethal by himself, which lets Lethal get a dropkick! I like the actual continuity! It's almost as if I'm trying to clutch at straws for positives!

Shannon Moore's laid out in the back... with an ace of spades playing card on his back?? Oh no. It's not your time yet, Aces and Eights. Your terrible storyline is still two years away, so move along, let this one take its course. Please. Video package about Abyss/Wolfe/Chelsea. They really think we have the memory of a goldfish... or maybe the old guys who are effectively running this company have memory loss. We get another visual of Wolfe literally glassing Abyss. It's even harder to watch than before.

Match 3: Orlando Jordan vs. Abyss​

Jordan comes out with eyeshadow and Abyss-print nipple pasties. What the fuck. He crawls towards the camera and kisses it. I feel like I've been the victim of a sexual assault. Speaking of sexual assault, Chelsea is very reluctantly accompanying Abyss. I predict this'll be a bad match, like Abyss/Anderson. Abyss doesn't mesh with the "generic mid-2000s WWE" style. Abyss really does not want to touch Jordan at the beginning, partly because he's planning to work that cut arm, but partly because his antics are like early Goldust but somehow even creepier. Case in point: he's biting the arm.

"Jordan likes it" chant from like three people can be heard over a largely nonchalant crowd. They come alive a little when Jordan shoves Abyss into Chelsea. While he's going to check on her, there's a noticeable-sounding jumpcut before Wolfe shows up to hit Abyss with a bit of lead piping and this match is thrown out. "Bubblegum" chants for the newfound team of Jordan and Wolfe, who start to beat on Abyss until Rob Terry comes in and goes for the save. Storylines intersecting... but now I'm thinking of things involving OJ and bubblegum, so I don't want to think anymore.

After RVD walking backstage and yet another video package of Sting being heel (again, is this show made for goldfish?) we get RVD's entrance at the top of the second hour. He promos in front of a fairly quiet crowd - you can hear individuals shout "Come on, Sting". RVD says he's had a few accomplishments, but is evidently too high to remember what they are. Some loser tries to start a "What" chant against the face champion. We get Sting's full entrance with lights and everything, but no Sting. Just the tron screen showing RVD getting beaten up on his TNA debut. Sting's in the rafters to promo back, and he gives a generic "I am going to win the upcoming match" speech.

"Earlier today" Hogan's talking to Anderson. He says that both the heels and the babyfaces hate the Asshole. More uses of the word "asshole", by the way. "You're money in the bank" -Hogan, to the only man ever to lose the Money in the Bank briefcase as the result of a match. And then he switches to "A-hole". Make up your mind, Hulkster. Is the word asshole censored or not? Actually, during this show, asshole has been censored less than A-hole.

An ad for the latest Spike show - Half-Pint Brawlers, featuring midget wrestlers. This actually features some names that are recognisable from the bad old days of TNA, such as Teo, the "Extreme Midget" and attempted rapist, and Puppet the Psycho Dwarf. In fact, as we go back to Impact, we see Puppet on commentary, because he's apparently the owner of the company. No mention, strangely, of when he pulled a gun on PPV and announced his plan to murder fellow little people, or when he was found masturbating in a garbage bin. You'd think they'd remember his highlights.

Christy is backstage interviewing Roxxi. They show the ankle break again, which... yikes. Sad to say, Roxxi is not a great promo. Her being a wholesome face feels completely out of character. Though, the moment where they show Christy and Roxxi being mutually excited over her earning a Knockouts title shot is nice, I guess.

Match 4: The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Lacey Von Erich) (c) vs. Taylor Wilde/Sarita - for the Knockouts Tag Team Championship​

Jobber entrance for WIlde and Sarita. There's no evidence that the fans in the building even knew they entered. At the sight of TBP's entrance, Puppet would probably be masturbating again, if he weren't live on TV at the moment. Rumour has it, apparently, that Lacey likes little people. I don't like where this is going. "I think I just grew an inch" -Puppet. Taylor Wilde does a weird spin kick that doesn't come close to hitting anything but turns it into an elbow drop. Commentary cares very little about the match, including the finish where Lacey wins clean with the Claw. Oh yeah, she's a Von Erich as well as a dumb blonde. A bizarre sequence ensues where Puppet comes down to party with TBP, smacks Velvet's ass, gets beaten on by Velvet and Madison, and starts making out with Lacey. Uh... is this continuity? I don't want this to be continuity.

Hardy interview, where he says he's going to learn about the European style from wrestling Wolfe (judging by Wolfe's matches so far in 2010, the European style mostly involves losing). Otherwise it's just an "I am going to win the upcoming match" promo. Angle's showing up on guest commentary (Puppet has small shoes to fill) to scout out two of his future opponents.

Match 5: Jeff Hardy vs. Desmond Wolfe​

We get a bit of continuity as they talk about the Kurt Angle/Desmond Wolfe series of matches. Apparently Kurt's never wrestled Jeff Hardy before either. Dueling chants even though Wolfe is firmly heel. You love to see it, though the teenage girl demographic is entirely on the "Let's go Hardy" side. Wolfe is so good. I miss him. Hardy showboating like an idiot makes him lose firm control of the match. Wolfe countering most of Hardy's signature spots. Also, hammerlock DDT. Nice to see it. Whisper in the Wind causes a ref bump which lets Wolfe get a weapon shot and the win. Apparently there's a contest where the best Ric Flair impression gets ringside seats at Slammiversary.

Matt Morgan is in, and he's still doing the "we" thing. Really? He needs to find yet another partner, apparently. "He's got a mouse in his pocket" -Taz. He makes an open invitation, which goes unanswered because obviously it does. He talks down to Angle, calls him to the ring (claiming there will be no physicality) and attacks him (never trust Morgan). Security stops... Angle? from fighting?? Joe shows up to clear out Morgan but Morgan bails out so it's a Joe/Angle staredown. Continuity, like I expected! We get a card run down for Slammiversary, with Morgan/TBD vs. Band and RVD vs. Sting getting moving match graphics but not Kendrick vs. Williams. How far the X Division has fallen.

Match 6: AJ Styles vs. Mr. Anderson​

Styles gets a reaction that's made up of boos from most of the crowd and adulation from the teenage girl demographic (well, at least two of the teenage girl demographic). "There's a reason AJ's number 2" -Taz. That reason is because Angle pulled out. The bell rings with just under 9 minutes until the show ends. Not giving yourself much time there. Boring heel Styles doesn't mesh badly with the generic mid-2000s WWE style. Three full minutes of headlocks. Our friend the ticker comes to tell us about the post show. Crowd wakes up for the dropkick, as it's the first time anything has happened.

We get an attempted split-leg jump countered into a Green Bay Plunge, which is nice. AJ does an eye-poke, HE HITS THE PELE and the crowd goes mild. Finish is kind of lame, it's a crossbody countered into a roll-up with the feet on the ropes. Anderson calls the mic down, and claims the mic's magic. "I got a querstion here" -Anderson. He then gives AJ a well-deserved beating until Beer Money come down and kill Anderson. This is starting to be a running theme. Jeff Hardy makes the save, though, and the faces stand tall.

I'm surprised. Very little Hogan on this show. That's two Impacts in a row that he hasn't been heavily involved. Hey, maybe things really are looking up. Anyway, I hope Double or Nothing tonight will be a better watch than this. In any case, see you next Impact...

 

[Sky]

Impact June 3, 2010 - Been Stung Too Often​

So, we come crashing headlong into June. Logic dictates with most of the Hogan's directed horrible additions of January gone (Scott Hall's still here), it should get better. Or maybe it'll be boring-bad rather than fun-bad. Who knows? Who cares? I'll be doing this anyway.

Video package is about Mr. Anderson, how he turned face, and how Sting continued to be a heel. Oh, and they can say "A-Hole" again and not censor it. Episode title is "Smoke and Mirrors", which just makes me think of Cody Rhodes now. Remember that time when "___ is All Elite" replaced "what's ___ doing in the Impact Zone" as the meme of choice for WWE releases? That was brief, but fun. Still no intro. Still all the pyro. Still using that damn six-sided lighting rig. Using replays we've already seen in the opening video package. Ho hum.

Sting out. He calls the situation "smoke and mirrors" (title drop!) and says it's going all Hollywood. Oh yeah, continue making references to WCW in a company where you were forced to back down 2 months in to your Monday Night "War". The crowd sounds like a bunch of scattered drunks who are disinterested in what's going on (go figure), until Sting goes for the cheap heat. Then they remember to chant "Why, Sting, why" again. "The veil is going to be pulled off of everybody's eyes" -Sting, master of the mixed metaphor. Fans get the replay treatment once again, treated to rewatching what Sting did not only to RVD but jarrett. Again: they think we are goldfish.

After the bizarre experience of watching a screen on a screen, Bischoff comes out, a crutch on one arm and Tessmacher on the other, to "mysterious" stock music that should really break my immersion. "You're just a man hiding behind a mask" -Bisch. Continuity! "Superheroes don't use baseball bats" -also Bisch. When looking up a counter-example, I found this, and I think it's just beautiful.

Bischoff claims to put the fans first, which earns cackles of derision before it earns cheap pops. Sting, who apparently is self-centred as fuck and therefore the Heel, has his match right now. Bisch tries to build suspense, but the chants of "Joe's gonna kill you" from the crowd surely spoil it for the fans at home and let Sting prepare. Joe probably wishes the crowd would shut up, let him actually surprise someone.

Match 1: Sting vs. Samoa Joe​

At least this is a regular match so Joe won't try to break his back again doing a dropkick on concrete stairs. This is just a beatdown of Sting by Joe that lasts until Matt Morgan shows up to attack Joe too. Storylines intersecting! RVD making the save, and we're reliably informed by Bisch (who comes out again) that this will be a tag team match later tonight. You know something? It's nice to see the basics of booking. Heel 1 vs. Face 1, Heel 2 who also has a problem with Face 1 causes the match to be thrown out, Face 2 makes the save, TAG TEAM MATCH PLAYA! That's how you book TV.

Until RVD changes his mind for him and makes it a four-way, because he knows Morgan will attack any tag partner he has. Bischoff claims he doesn't have the authority to make the change, but then we get our first live appearance in weeks of (sigh) Hogan. Apparently he does have the authority, and makes the change. Yay for Hogan making everything about himself, even stealing the spotlight of another spotlight-stealing ex-Attitude Era guy.

Christy interviewing AJ who is not a happy bunny. Apparently it's because he only just found out about his three-way with Kaz and Jay Lethal tonight. Spare a thought for your comrades who are being fired via FedEx, AJ. We get a Flair entrance and a Kaz entrance, and I don't know what this is, but I'm so happy to see good booking theory being applied tonight! We tease the tension between AJ and Flair, as well as between AJ and Kaz. Also Flair got Kaz a nice shiny watch, which is good of him. Good guy Flair.

Match 2: Roxxi vs. Rosie Lottalove​

And suddenly my hype for this episode of TNA drops to zero, with the entrance of Rosie Lottalove. If you're not up to speed, she had a dark match about a month before, where she gave Daffney the third of her three serious injuries that led her to not only retire but sue TNA for putting her in an unsafe working environment. In another bout of tastelessness, they show snippets of the very same dark match, including a shot of the seated senton that legitimately bruised her sternum. Pro tip, Rosie: you're supposed to land on your knees, especially when you're 300+ pounds. Also the chevron spells her name wrong. Roxxi is presumably facing her because she's got a problem with serious injuries being broadcast and replayed on live TV, or something.

Rosie simply cannot wrestle. Crowd is entirely behind Roxxi. The bewildered commentary booth seems interested in the unflattering one-piece lingerie that Rosie is wearing ("Is that a teddy? I think it's a Theodore" -Taz). This match is harrowing because not only can Rosie not do shit, she's too heavy for Roxxi to lift or even grapple with. It's quickly over after Madison Rayne hits Roxxi with the belt, Rosie goes for the pin, but gets caught up in what Taz calls a "big package" for the 3. I think we've learned something about how to push heel giants.

The TNA Guide to Pushing Heel Giants

• Send them out on a random Impact
• Show them legitimately injuring fan-favourite talent, and hope they get good heat and not X-Pac heat
• Let them be so obviously exposed in the 2 minutes they get to wrestle
• Have them lose by roll-up

So now you know! It's going to be interesting to compare how they treat Rosie to how they treat a certain modern women's giant who's unsafe and incapable of wrestling. Let's not name her, let's make up a stupid fake name, like... "Nia Jax" or some shit. Anyway, if Rosie were being treated like this hypothetical "Nia Jax", she'd be challenging for the Knockouts Title in the space of a few months. Only time will tell, in that case. Also, Borash calls Roxxi "TNA Knockout Roxxi" in both her entrance and announcing her victory. I've said it before and I'll say it again; the primary audience for Impact is goldfish.

Madison screams at Roxxi for not doing her job but gets laid out with a chokebomb. JB... interviews Rosie? And she's apparently a body-positivity face now? I don't understand any of this anymore. She plants one on JB, which is the point I realise they're trying to make Rosie do what ODB used to do, but worse and for cheaper.

Match 3: AJ Styles vs. Kazarian vs. Jay Lethal​

They come out in reverse order of their position in the Top 10 rankings, which is an odd choice. Lethal still doing the Flair impersonation, even though he doesn't have Naitch's magic ring. Come to think of it, who was that marquee signing that Hogan and Bischoff changed their minds about getting when they learned Lethal was an idiot?? "AJ waited for the opening to drill one of these men" -Taz, who has a good relationship with The Gay Community. A double-team move by AJ and Kaz somehow ends with Lethal on top.

AJ's early release backbreaker looks seriously nasty. Once again, arguments between Kaz and AJ let Lethal take control. A pretty fun spot where the two disagree on what kind of double suplex to use. Kaz causes AJ to miss a springboard move, which gives the distraction that lets Lethal roll up AJ for a fairly fast count and the win. I'm glad he's getting a push. Shame it won't last. He's celebrating in the crowd as well, how delightful but also how sad.

Flair jaws at AJ for losing to Lethal, as "Shut up Flair" chants ring out. "TNA Needs the Four Horsemen - Styles/Wolfe/Beer Money" sign in the crowd, which is amusingly prophetic. He tells him to fuck off home and says "gone" a lot. He talks to AJ like a disappointed father, only one who's used a lot of cocaine earlier today. As AJ leaves... Kurt Angle shows up from his trapdoor, giving AJ the stare before visiting the ring to talk to Kaz. Wow, they've really pushed the limits of squeezing all the segments in so far that they're melting into each other.

Kurt's in. He basically says something to the effect of "Yeah, remember when I said I'd work through the top 10 rankings? Well, you just became number 10, so... just kidding. Unless?" Crowd is dead until it remembers to emote after Kurt Angle says "ass". Ric Flair is a respect hound. Maybe he should align with Brother Ray at some point... oh wait. Pro wrestling is better than amateur wrestling, Flair says but Vince in 2020 doesn't say. He rambles, and mentions Shawn Michaels. The man who was supposed to have retired him. Eventually Angle shoves Flair off the entrance walkway. Kaz vs. Angle is official, Tenay says, as Flair throws a hissy fit at the camera.

Backstage, we get Matt Morgan trying to work out collaboration strategies with Sting, but Sting blows him off because he's not a moron. Consistent character, I guess? We get a look at AJ outside where he's pissed at what Flair's said. His strategy to impress Flair? Kill Jay Lethal at Slammiversary. Gonna be a good match. Yet another recap of Anderson suddenly being a face now. Again: Goldfish.

Speaking of Anderson, Christy is here to do an in-ring interview with him. "Ecuador TNA #1 Fan - wanna see Velvet Sky" sign in the crowd. Guess he's got his priorities right. Anderson starts off by sexualising Christy - guess the shoe's on the other foot now, huh? Everything's okay, because he's an asshole, apparently. It takes forever for him to reveal that it's Anderson/Hardy vs Beer Money at Slammiversary. Hardy in too, who's taken all of two Impacts to fully accept Anderson is a face.

Out come Beer Money, who are not getting fully heel reactions. I think some of the teenage girl demographic rate Roode. Roode is a subscriber to the theory of "a tag team > two great singles guys". Apparently Matt carried Jeff the entire time. This fact, however uncomplimentary it is, causes Jeff to scream "V1" at the crowd. Cross-promotional continuity? Giving examples of things that are nothing alike, he says "Lacey Von Erich and the midget". Anderson gives some lame insults, which sparks a brawl, causes security to intervene, and apparently sets up two singles matches.

Match 4: Jeff Hardy vs. James Storm​

Always a good matchup. Hardy delivers a hip toss on to concrete, which is a totally face thing to do. Storm's rope hung DDT is apparently one of the most dangerous moves, but Hardy tries to spin on to his back, which is good ring sense. A chokeslam looks weird when Hardy lands on his feet, then falls anyway. Storm tries and fails to bring a chair in, then Hardy uses the chair as a prop for flippy shit. Never is the prospect of disqualification mentioned. Finish involves Storm missing a chair shot so the chair hits the ring ropes and clatters him right in the face. Then Twist -> Swanton -> win. Yep, about what I expected.

Match 5: Mr. Anderson vs. Robert Roode​

Seems they have to re-enter after going to the back. Anderson walks with purpose for once in his life. "Let's go, Asshole" chant. If they're assholes, aren't they chanting for themselves? "Bigger asshole" chant? Anderson looks like he's setting up a 619 but instead jumps into Roode back first. Never seen that before, I don't think. We're informed that Rob Terry/Abyss vs. Orlando Jordan/Desmond Wolfe is later. Please no. Green Bay Plunge is sadly denied by an eye rake. Failed sunset flip attempt by Anderson ends in a rope-assisted pin by Roode. Anderson calls down his magic mic and calls out Roode for being unable to win without shenanigans.

We're reminded of the zero-build match between Williams and Kendrick. The apparent reason that Williams doesn't like Kendrick is because (like the other guys) he's too flippy. This is followed by another goldfish-memory video package which tells us about the Wolfe/Abyss feud and the very weird Terry/Jordan feud.

Match 6: Abyss/Rob Terry vs. Desmond Wolfe/Orlando Jordan​

Joint entrances at least mean that Jordan can't be lowered into the ring. He still has the Terry nipple pasties. He also has a Shake Weight, which he accidentally shakes into Wolfe's rear. Heh, that got a genuine chuckle out of me. And we get another goldfish-memory video package during Abyss' entrance. "Simply the Greatest" chants, in the only pop Orlando Jordan's ever gotten. They're working the arm again. So, it's last week's match. Ugh. At one point, Jordan's on the outside, and either chatting up Chelsea or criticising her fashion sense. It ends in a (very weak) slap all the same. Which makes Wolfe attack Jordan, giving Abyss an opportunity to attack Wolfe, while Terry pins Jordan in the ring. Actually a tiny sensible bit of booking? Maybe?

We get another video package, this time about Neal vs. Team 3D. Brother Ray being, as I mentioned before, a respect hound. Immediately after, we find Neal laid out backstage, with no one checking on him and (again) an Ace of Spades laid on his chest. Oddly prophetic to have a package about someone feuding with Neal just before we see Neal laid out. Almost as if whoever's running this show made it happen...

Match 7: Rob Van Dam vs. Samoa Joe vs. Sting vs. Matt Morgan​

During Sting's entrance we get another recap of his attack on jarrett at Sacrifice. And during Joe's entrance we get a recap of him costing Matt Morgan the tag team titles. Goldfish, that's all we are. The bell rings and we've got less than six minutes left. For a four-way match. It's effectively two matches: Joe doing his stock Joe spots on the inside, and Sting beating up RVD on the outside. Our friend the ticker tells us about the post-show again. Then they switch 'sides and RVD can do his stock RVD spots. The faces tease fighting until the heels break it up. Aw.

This match has too little Samoa Joe and too much everyone else. Matt Morgan's distracted by a man in the crowd, and they don't even say who it is, until he's eaten a Muscle Buster and a 5-Star Frog Splash. He's in a wife-beater and bald, and he matters to Morgan, so in all honesty it's probably Hernandez. But what do we know? It only matters that RVD gets the win. RVD/Joe staredown as we fade to black (well, the Spike logo). This Impact was... okay, I guess. See you at the go-home.

 

[Sky]

Impact June 10, 2010 - Nature Boys Will Be Nature Boys​

Finally, I'm getting round to this. I want to knock out quite a few episodes while it's quiet and not much is going on. "Last week on TNA Wrestling Impact" - that's really formal. Anderson's a face, AJ isn't Flair's favourite anymore, Super RVD is important, and absolutely no sign that the Knockouts or the X Division exist. And the only sign of the tag division is the appearance of Beer Money. Sorry if my commentary is a lot more dry, it's just that the obvious targets of snark are disappearing fast. We don't even have long of Scott Hall. Also, I noticed how terrible RVD's Frog Splash last week looked.

They spend more on pyro every week than on their lower card talent in a year. Kurt Angle's going to be wrestling tonight... they don't save it for PPV. Speaking of PPV, they're going to replay the beatdown of jarrett by Sting from Sacrifice. Styles/Beer Money/Kaz/Wolfe out, and Storm does a goofy little grin to the camera, beer bottle in hand, which genuinely makes me smile. The reaction is mostly muted, with the most audible voices being from the teen girl demographic. As acting leader of not-quite-Fortune-yet, AJ reacts to hearing that there's an 8-man tag tonight... by noting that there's one more man than they need, and telling Kaz to head to the back! You cold motherfucker, AJ! I like it!

They argue a bit but then stop to impress Flair, who's apparently coming down. Actually, it's Jay Lethal, being Flair again! See, you didn't need the ring, Abyss, just like Jay didn't. It was inside you all along. He's really got the impression down, including his constant need to repeat himself and elbow drop his own clothing. AJ's cheap suit is from Walmart. That's a nice character detail. He's mainly out here to introduce his team for the 4v4: Anderson and Abyss. Apparently Abyss counts as two. Then the real fourth, Jeff Hardy, shows up out of the crowd. Wait, if Abyss counts as two, Team Lethal has five members. Surely that means Kaz could be included after all. Yet another unnecesssary conflict that could be resolved by proper communication.

Brian Kendrick shows up and speaks word salad. He has really ridiculous, stupid promo delivery... And yet it makes sense and I'm enjoying it. You've got a guy who could do years of good work for you here, TNA! Take the opportunity! It's like Broken Matt Hardy, in that it shouldn't work, but it does. Basically he's saying he wants to be the X Division Champ. Homicide's his opponent, and he face-masks up. Gonna social distance from Kendrick, while you're at it? Tenay and Taz insult Homicide's level of education. Is that racist? Holder Doug Williams is out on commentary. He's not into shaking hands. This is a very COVID-friendly match so far!

Match 1: Brian Kendrick vs. Homicide​

And that continues after the bell with a long staredown. Homicide's offense looks more suited to the Brass Knuckles division, with those heavy punches. Williams calls the X Division "performing monkeys" and "gorillas at a zoo", a metaphor which could be seriously uncomfortable at some point so you should stop using it, Doug. Attempted Gringo Killa fails, thankfully for Kendrick's neck. I want to talk a little about that finisher of Homicide's. Its indy name is the "Cop Killa" (anti-cop sentiment; that's also relevant to our time!). Both names seem to be a political statement in their own way, as the name "Gringo Killa" screams "whitey-hating thug". Does that say something about promotions that only allow him to use that name...?

Back to the match, sort of, Taz and Doug argue about "root" vs. "roof". Commentary discusses everyone from Brooklyn being a criminal. Damn it guys, could you stop being uncomfortable for one second? "He's taking blow after blow... that could have finished a lesser man off" -Doug. One thing I don't like about Tenay is his overuse of "style". It's always a "T-Bone style suplex" or an "enzuigiri-style kick". Feels like the professor isn't confident in his own knowledge of moves. I'm not talking much about the match... it's okay I guess. Finish is when Homicide's attempted wrench use is thwarted by the ginger ref and Kendrick gets a roll-up after getting maybe 1 offensive move before. Way to book your challenger strong.

Team 3D/Ink Inc. backstage brawl. The way security/their partners are holding Brother Ray and Jesse Neal back makes it look like just a slapfight. After the break, Moore and Neal are bringing the argument to an in-ring segment. "Do you know who I am?" -Ray, debuting a catchphrase a couple of years early. Ray claims he's one of the most legit tough guys in the business... so the TNA champion isn't legit or tough? Ray's getting more of a face pop even though he claims Jesse failed in the Navy. That's odd, I thought insulting the troops was the way to become uber top heel. "You're nothing more than a bully" -Shannon Moore, foreshadowing. Devon tries to break it up and Ray attacks Neal from behind. Solid build segment. Why isn't the championship in this? Oh yeah, Nash and Hall.

They reshow Sting murderising jarrett. While they dedicate five minutes to showing an extended arm-breaking, I want to note something. WWE Superstars was on Thursdays at the time. The same night as Impact. Here's the card of that show: Ryder/Primo vs. Tatsu/Goldust, Kingston vs. Gallows, a recap of the first shot of the Nexus storyline... and the opening match is Gail Kim losing to Alicia Fox. I'm pretty sure Gail Kim is the only person who would rather have been in TNA than WWE in the year 2010. I don't blame her. By the way, they waste time showing jarrett being stretchered off too. This is apparently a lead in to the fact that jarrett will be back tonight to talk about Sting. (Oh hey, it's four months to the day until you guys double turn!)

Matt Morgan meets Bischoff backstage, with Tessmacher in tow. She's pretty. I'm sad they didn't use her as anything other than an assistant any earlier. Apparently Morgan's got a partner, he's gonna meet him in the ring, and the title match is tonight. Morgan is just really mad about Hernandez. Finally we get the jarrett interview. Cliff notes: "I got injured really badly. I'm going to beat him up, but later. Hogan and Bischoff are cool guys, I don't know what you're talking about Sky Sting. I like Slammiversary, and I'm sad I can't be there. But I'll be back, Trenchcoat McGee." Maybe this is the explanation for why there's no King of the Mountain match.

Tag title match time? Tag title match time. Morgan has his "I'm losing the upcoming match" face on. It's really noticeable for certain wrestlers, and Morgan is one. Hogan's entrance music hits for the first time in... a week. He takes about a minute and a half to announce that... quelle surprise, his partner is Hernandez again. Hogan goes on commentary to put Hernandez over, as he squashes his own partner and leaves him for dead. Well, sounds like something Hogan did in WCW, so it's fine. He's on the stretcher before the Band are out to start the match.

Match 2: The Band (Kevin Nash/Eric Young) (c) vs. Matt Morgan/Hernandez - for the World Tag Team Championship​

It ends exactly as you'd expect. Except no it doesn't, because Eric Young makes the pin, and actually hooks the leg. I'd have expected Nash just to pin him with his foot. (For that matter, if it were Hall, he'd just have fallen drunkenly on top of the poor guy.)

RVD slurs his way through an interview by Christy. It's essentially one of those "I Am Going To Win The Upcoming Match" promos, except he gets jumped from behind by Sting. The beatdown even knocked the cameraman back, which is a nice touch. RVD refuses to sell the hurt from being choked out and beaten down, which would be funny if it weren't sad. Speaking of funny but sad, Kurt Angle's later career. He shows up to remind us that he's working up the Top 10, starting with Kazarian. So tonight he's going to face... a different X Division guy, who will throw everything at him, including the kitchen sink. "I doubt any of those guys is big enough to throw a kitchen sink", I would say, if I didn't immensely respect the X Division stars.

Match 3: Kurt Angle vs. Amazing Red​

There's not enough Red in 2010. "He's amazing / and he's red" non-dueling chants. Complementary chants? One guy tries to start a "You are sta-ars" chant which makes me genuinely laugh. Pavlov's TNA chants come, this time, from a rana on the outside. Red comes uncomfortably close to landing on his head from a springboard senton bomb. Speaking of springboard moves, springboard tornado DDT. Looks cool. Standing shooting star press only gets a two count. What world is this where you can kick out of that? They replay the rana before the SSP, but not the SSP itself. Nice job, production team! One of Angle's only bits of offense is an Angle Slam, which gets the win. Oof. This feels like a burial.

Sting cuts an I Am Going To Win The Upcoming Match promo. "The word of the month is Deception" - and it's also painted on the belt. Are they going to steal everything from WCW?? We get a Slammiversary hype package, talking about 8 years of being second best. "Every match is a main event" -Hogan, who didn't see the Rosie Lottalove match last week. It occurs to me: Why couldn't they have done a King of the Mountain with RVD + Top 5? RVD + ladders is surely a winning combo. Meanwhile, turns out RVD's going to the rafters. Solid plan, if you want the shit beaten out of you!

Match 4: AJ Styles/Desmond Wolfe/James Storm/Robert Roode vs. Jay Lethal/Jeff Hardy/Mr. Anderson/Abyss​

Roode is the only one of his team who doesn't make a 4 Horsemen sign to the camera. Team Lethal + Chelsea, standing together on the entrance ramp, looks like a really shitty mismatched stable that I would somehow enjoy watching despite not liking Abyss or Hardy or Anderson that much. Oh yeah, we've only got a few days left of Chelsea with Abyss. And Wolfe/Abyss at Slammiversary will be a Monster's Ball, which would mean more if the gimmick hadn't already been boiled down to "hardcore match with Abyss in it".

Roode doesn't really get to do his usual Roode spots because Abyss and Lethal turn it around for a bit. Commentary wonder whether an Abyss clothesline leaves Beer Money "beheaded" or "de-headed". "Mr. Asshole" chants. "What are you doing?" -bald ref to Mr. Anderson, who has tagged in legally. Overall, this is a very TV main event. Beer Money salute still gets a pop. Our friend the ticker shows up in his reduced role. It's just as I think "wow, this match is getting time!" that it devolves into a storm of finishers. Chelsea gives Wolfe the chair (surprisingly hesitantly), his attempt to use it on Abyss is foiled, but another finisher storm ends in AJ getting the Styles Clash win. Not a bad match.

The ending segment... eh. Sting brags about how RVD hasn't found him, then after the break RVD finds him. Backstage brawl ensues, that ends in a ring brawl, with Sting coming out on top. Way to telegraph that your face champ is retaining. Okay, now, where's the Knockouts match? There was going to be a Knockouts match, right? Somewhere? Not even a second quarter Beautiful People segment? Really? That's odd. Almost as if you don't have a match for Slammiversary. Even though you do.

Also odd is that they didn't really want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter this week, because she teased a big surprise at Slammiversary! Ooh, I wonder who it could be? And in the coming weeks, something will happen that will change TNA forever! Boy, I hope that won't disappoint! See you at the bizarrely low-key PPV.

Next up: Slammiversary VIII

Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Sting - for the World Heavyweight Championship
Doug Williams (c) vs. Brian Kendrick - for the X Division Championship
Madison Rayne (c) vs. Roxxi - for the Knockouts Championship
Jeff Hardy/Mr. Anderson vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)
AJ Styles vs. Jay Lethal
Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe - Monster's Ball
Kurt Angle vs. Kazarian
Brother Ray vs. Jesse Neal​

 

[Sky]

Slammiversary VIII - Eight Is Enough​

"June 19, 2002. An improbable dream becomes a reality." So says the package that they show a variation of every Slammiversary. The improbable dream, apparently, is collecting AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Desmond Wolfe, MCMG, Young Bucks and Jay Lethal all in one company at the same time and STILL fucking that up. It's the same old clips, putting the company over, and they use that reversed Sting clip again where the rain falls up.

As the amazing waste of pyro goes off it reminds me that we're in the Impact Zone, after three consecutive years of on-the-road Slammiversaries. See those incredible hot crowds in the opening package? We're getting none of that! Enjoy your theme park tourists and teenage girl plants. Someone brought a glittery Pope sign. He's not on the card. "I came from Las Vegas to see TNA" -another sign. Must be odd to swap the glamour for a soundstage in Florida to watch a 51-year-old guy wrestle a 39-year-old drug user for what is apparently prestigious gold.

Match 1: Kurt Angle vs. Kazarian​

We're opening with this, nice. Kind of expected the X Division to curtain jerk, given that they can get the crowd excited and also Eric Bischoff doesn't give a shit about them. Heel Kazarian's getting a pretty good reaction. Kurt Angle is apparently wrestling's only Olympic gold medallist. I don't know about that. Pretty sure Ric Flair's old enough to have competed in one of the artistic Olympic medals (which were a thing). One of the teenage girl demographics screams at the same timbre 10 times in a row. Maybe she's a sound effect?

I was being unfair, maybe, as the crowd is hot early. Commentary says Kaz wants his opponents to know what he's going to do in advance, which you'd think would make him easy to beat. We're getting new Top 10 rankings next Impact. "I don't know if you want to play the wrestling game with Kurt Angle" -Taz. If you're talking about the mobile game, you'd be right; it's trash. USA chants rise up against the Southern California-born Kaz. Angle refuses to accept a DQ victory after being kicked in the nuts, because he's a face and faces are fucking morons.

Match is very slow mat-based so far - maybe Kaz learned something from Douglas Williams after losing at Sacrifice? Release German suplex, and I'm scared that Kaz will land on his head, but he lands on his front. Every release-type move that involves flips is like that for me. Powerbomb to Ankle Lock is a transition I don't think I've seen before. Top rope belly-to-belly pops the crowd hard. Angle kicks out of the Fade to Black, because finishers mean nothing if they're not of guys who worked the grand stage 10+ years ago. He even kicks out of a rope-leverage pin because even cheating doesn't work on Angle now. Ankle Lock, win. Ho hum.

Tenay and Taz wax lyrical for a bit about this being amazing for TNA, surviving eight years, and talk about Jeff jarrett who can't be here tonight. Why would you kayfabe injure your founder just before your anniversary PPV? We're getting our first title match of the night, according to Tenay. Oh, there's the X Division. I was starting to worry about it.

Match 2: Doug Williams (c) vs. Brian Kendrick - for the X Division Championship​

Borash calls it the "X Division Championship of the world", which is a rather reasonable assumption given that no other major program ever had an X Division. Taz met Kendrick in a bathroom, according to himself. Wrestlers seem to meet a lot in bathrooms (see: the Sacrifice go-home). Kendrick's giving Williams the creepiest face before the match begins. And he's over. Why aren't you pushing him? Michael Shane mention . "You're a wanker" chants. Glad to see Florida has found British swearing. Are all the X Division regulars learning to mat wrestle now? Taz avoids the mention of Williams calling X DIvision people monkeys.

"You've gotta beat him in the ring to retain the title" -Mike Tenay, who is from an alternate universe where champion's advantage doesn't exist. I've heard the words "pinning predicament" too often recently. Kendrick has gotten no offense and the commentators spell this out. Mild Pavlovian TNA chants break out over a suicide dive. I hate when okay matches happen in this rewatch, because there's nothing really to comment on. Williams wins with... a tornado DDT? You're slipping, Dougie boy. Soon you'll be breaking out standing shooting star presses like Red last Thursday, and not getting pins with them.

Bischoff here to speculate about Sting's master plan, but I'd like to talk about Miss Tessmacher. She just stands and looks pretty - and she's great at that, don't get me wrong, but knowing how actually-competent a wrestler she turned out to be makes me feel sad that they didn't get her started in training earlier. At least let her say something. Also, there's a weird guffaw during Bischoff's interview. It sounds vaguely like Sting, which makes me think something will actually happen in this promo. No, in fact. It's just another minute wasted with Mr. Smiling Fucking Mug himself.

Knockouts tale of the tape's first point is "Knockout knocked out". That makes sense (it's about Tara), but doesn't at the same time. "TNA Knockout Roxxi" again. Doing the TBP entrance looks lame when it's just you, Madison. "She's looking good lately" -Taz, on Madison's win/loss record, yeah, totally on that. It occurs to me how tiny the Knockouts belt really is. Madison tells the bell to fuck off, and gets Jeff jarrett "Drop the title" chants. She's pretending to care about the company and earning your shit while being a heel. That's cute! In an incredibly Russo plot twist, Madison just gets to make this another Title vs. Career. I wish I could arbitrarily force people to retire if they lost to me in anything. It would be fun.

Match 3: Madison Rayne (c) vs. Roxxi - Title vs. Career Match for the Knockouts Championship​

And this starts with an unprotected microphone shot to the head that busts Roxxi open, which drops my interest in the rest of this match to zero. It's genuinely sad to see people having their head split open in the year 2010. They try their hardest to avoid getting Roxxi's crimson half-mask in the shot. Roxxi is, so far, the face who's gotten the weakest pop. "How do you not get behind Roxxi" -Taz, even though other workers have treated us like we have no idea who Roxxi is whatsoever. Madison kicks out of the Voodoo Drop, because TNA were degrading finishers years before it was cool.

"The momentum knocked Madison out of the ring" -Taz, when clearly Roxxi pushed her out of the ring. Less than 20 seconds later, the Rayne Drop ends a career for the second month running. And they're so nonchalant about it. Just like they're nonchalant about running Slammiversary. First genuine smile I've gotten during this PPV: Madison using the Knockouts Title as a mirror to fix her hair. Video package for Ray/Neal. The package does show how ridiculously quickly Ray's view of Neal went from "student" to "needlessly hate this guy because he unintentionally said something you consider disrespectful".

Match 4: Brother Ray vs. Jesse Neal​

Borash calls this a one-on-one grudge match. That's a great way to hype matches with nothing on the line, but only if there's an actual grudge. I seem to remember that Herb Abrams' UWF once hyped a "grudge match" between two participants who had never feuded, as one of the ones with the grudge had to be replaced due to injury. Ray cuts a surprisingly subdued promo, where he calls out for Devon to get the tables. Shannon Moore shows up because he's part of things too! For the first and last time in his life, Ray seems to be apologising sincerely, but the crowd doesn't get the memo, chanting for tables anyway. "You're a douchebag" -crowd, because "asshole" has become a term of endearment now. Apology accepted, match looks to be called off... SIKE! Ray was lying all along! Match goes ahead!

Devon spends about a minute being held off of Ray by security, which only allows him to beat on Jesse more. Because Devon's a face, and faces are idiots. Neal eats knife-edge chops that legitimately resonate through the Impact Zone. The crowd is so surprised they mostly forget to woo. Terrible head and neck moves continue, with a corner-hung neckbreaker that looks so dangerous. Match continues much in the same vein, and Neal gets in an offensive move or two (what is it with one-sided matches at this PPV, when...)

Tommy Dreamer? In the crowd? This is the big surprise we were waiting for - another Attitude Era guy. Thanks, Dixie, for hyping this up! This very lengthy distraction lets Jesse recover, spear, 1-2-3. Jesse quickly goes to the back as if to remind us what we're meant to give a shit about is two ECW guys. Hey, where's the TV Championship? The feud there isn't even on this PPV. Jesse Neal could win that. That could help extend the Team 3D / Ink Inc. feud. But no. "Sensible booking" and "2010 TNA" go together like Orlando Jordan and a simple suit and tie.

Christy interviewing Hernandez, who doesn't look as ripped as usual. Apparently we're getting a Morgan/Hernandez match?? No one told us about this?? Goldfish-memory video package, except not quite because it covers events that weren't covered multiple times on the last show. Carbon Footprint with his neck against the ring post still looks horrific and dangerous, no matter what you say. Morgan and Hernandez get the moving match graphic treatment, whereas 2/3 of your title matches tonight don't.

Match 5: Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez​

Morgan's all braced up, and he's giving a pre-match promo, which is a different way of saying "Morgan will try to jump Hernandez while his guard is down". Come on, guys. You did this last match. Doctor's note, Morgan up to the ramp, when Hernandez jumps him instead! Consider my expectations subverted! If TNA is Game of Thrones, then Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara are D&D. Or not, D&D actually direct good TV more often.

This starts with a lot of neck moves and illegal chokes by Hernandez, who is apparently a face. Morgan is selling the neck thing, despite it being presented as an excuse by Tenay and Taz on commentary. Eventually he takes control and the rest is just Morgan spots for a good few minutes. Hernandez's stinger splashes, clotheslines and shoulderblocks are apparently really over with the teenage girl demographic. He then... bumps the ref and gets disqualified? Not a bad result, actually. I'm fine with them forgetting about this being an actual match just to beat each other up. Hernandez tries to do the same spot that injured him but the referee takes the big boot bullet. For whatever reason is beyond me. Instead of trying again, he lets Morgan run off and goes to the back. Who's the face here? I have no idea.

Christy interview time again... but it's with Hogan. Ugh. He's talking some nonsense about "Hulk Hogan the wrestler" thinking Sting has gone too far. "Everybody wants the TNA title. All of us do." Hogan, no. Bad Hogan. Sting's actions really crossed the line, says the man who ended the era of "Cross the Line" being a good thing.

Match 6: Abyss vs. Desmond Wolfe - Monster's Ball​

Unlike Miss Tessmacher earlier, Chelsea was never destined to do much other than stand and look pretty. Though, it does help that she's so good at it. Wolfe dressed like a rugby player. I guess he did actually spend 24 hours in solitary confinement, because no sane person would do that otherwise. Abyss tries to toss a garbage can lid into the ring but it sails over and into the crowd. Which gets a pop! Second genuine smile of the night. I notice the referee's wearing gloves. The referees at Backlash 2020 were also wearing gloves, so I'm going to say this show was ahead of its time.

Actual fans in the crowd chant "Abyss sucks" and "Let's go Desmond", to which the plants chant "Desmond sucks". TNA: tone-deafly pushing the wrong guys before WWE made it cool. Why do they keep barbed wire boards under the ring? Wolfe goes into a chair face first and I audibly cringe. In other concussion news, two unprotected garbage can shots to the head. Wolfe goes to pick out a... barbed wire teddy bear. I wish I were making that up. "WHAT IS THIS?!" His face says it all, and I had a similar reaction. Someone make an emote out of this.

A bizarre sequence ensues: Wolfe seems to think it's Chelsea's teddy bear (???), Abyss corner splashes Wolfe so both get barbed wire to the stomach, Abyss gives the crushed barbed wire bear to Chelsea, which she accepts in confusion. A bag of thumbtacks contains broken glass (again, expectations have been subverted!). Wolfe is so good at being a heel, trying to bail then using Chelsea as a meat shield. Brawl to the outside ends with Abyss chokeslamming Wolfe through the ramp to the announcers' desk, to which he responds by shuddering like he's on the worst drug trip this side of Jeff Hardy.

Abyss dragging Wolfe's near-dead body and he's only able to make a rope break with his fingers. I was going to make another comment, but I realised when I typed that out. He makes a rope break... in a no-DQ match. How is that possible? By the time I've questioned that, Wolfe has recovered enough to powerbomb Abyss into the barbed wire board. Him being involved in a bloody match with his later hepatitis diagnosis is uncomfortable to say the least. Also uncomfortable: Abyss going face-first into broken glass. The fans are looking away, and commentary notes this.

Finish where Wolfe wants Chelsea to hand over the brass knuckles... she tosses them to Abyss, who delivers a "Power of the Punch" then a Black Hole Slam. That was a fun match, though I can't help but notice Wolfe draped his leg on the rope just before the three. Consistency matters. It feels seriously incongruous to have such a terrifying match finished by American Made.

Christy interview count: 4! We're talking to RVD this time. He's been taking anti-wrinkle cream. Also he's caring about the fans because he's a face. "I don't care about Sting's agenda" -RVD. Guess what? I do.

Sting's Agenda:

• Care about TNA by fucking it up
• Distrust Hogan and Bischoff but don't explain why
• Assault boss
• Get milk
• Put cat out
• Skulk in rafters until end of day

Video package for Styles/Lethal. It's more about honour and pride than winning or losing, apparently. Surely that means, by its nature, that the face has already won?

Match 7: AJ Styles vs. Jay Lethal​

AJ's pyro is notably very late so no one is anywhere near it or looks good off it. Flair seems to be using AJ as a meat shield during Lethal's entrance. Do you want him to turn on you, Flair? Because that is how you get him to turn on you. Really even dueling chants. Lethal counters into a headscissors in a really clean way. "That's a good way to swell up an areola" -Taz, on knife edge chops by both Lethal and AJ that are somehow far less impressive than Brother Ray's.

Tenay calls a barely-two count off a backbreaker a near fall. AJ lands face-first on the neck apron. So many head moves this PPV, yikes. Lethal and Flair stare down, and the idea of Flair having another match - even against someone talented - brings out fear in me. AJ makes a really funny grimace at a two-count (genuine smile count: 4, including the teddy bear thing). I had to take another picture. Again, this would be a great emote.

AJ does a back suplex that makes Lethal's head bounce. Overall, this is just a really good wrestling match. AJ keeps going for a front facelock move and it gets countered. Ric Flair is not a fan of Earl Hebner, and it's mutual, despite Flair paying him off at one time. AJ gets in the Figure 4 and... I don't understand this move. It feels like the pressure would be shared, given how even it looks. How does it hurt the opponent and not you? "Pele-style kick" again. AJ slips off the top rope, which lets Lethal get a Northern Lights suplex for the pin. Even though AJ's shoulder was up. I'm glad this feud will be continuing, they could light it up at Victory Road. Kaz does something face-like, stopping Flair from chewing out AJ.

No Christy interview for Sting, because he's too dangerous. That should be no trouble. Christy likes dangerous men. "Some men just want to watch the world burn" -Sting, quoting the Dark Knight and seeming to foreshadow the Joker thing. Video package for Face Anderson and Face Hardy vs. Heel(?) Beer Money. Hardy puts on a face mask in his moving graphic (ahead of his time!). Christy Interview number 5 of the face team, including "Mr. Handerson" as she puts it. They come up with a team name for themselves: the Enigmatic Assholes. Guess "The Wellness Policy" was taken.

Match 8: The Enigmatic Assholes (Jeff Hardy/Mr. Anderson) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)​

Storm finally revives his Boozer Cruiser vehicle! Nice! Apparently the face team are "Team Extreme Enigmatic Assholes", actually. Anderson has "when the bell rings" syndrome. He's good on the mic, but a goddamn narcolepsy cure in the ring. Hardy is not at his best either, making Beer Money look slow and stiff. Don't expect many comments on this one. Hardy does his usual double leg drop spot, but Anderson combines it with a leg drop of his own. Beer Money do a double version of that weird "hit someone's leg against the mat" move, which looks really weak but I'm pretty sure isn't when you do it legit.

"A-S-S-H-O-L-E" chants. I didn't know Storm could do an enzuigiri. Beer Money do a very cool catapult/DDT combo. Hardy gives the stunner version of the Twist of Fate its first appearance in this rewatch (first ever?). Swanton would be the pin, but Storm yanks the ref out of the ring (yanking a Slick Johnson) and blames Anderson for it. Tenay stops commentating so the home fans can hear an apparently pro-Hardy crowd that's been hotter earlier in the show. For Desmond Wolfe. And Brian Kendrick. Double suplex (I've mentioned that I think double suplexes suck) as "We want Asshole" chants ring out.

Small package pin by Hardy missed because the referee is an idiot. Hardy springs off Anderson's back for a suicide senton to the outside, which is the first wrestling move that gave me a genuine smile (the count is at 5). Anderson is noticeably busted open right across his face thanks to Hardy accidentally elbowing him. Commentary doesn't realise why. After he gets up, it's Mic Check, pin, win. Hardy gets an Anderson announcement of his own.

Video package for RVD vs. Sting. One of the points on the Tale of the Tape is "Deception". I just remembered that RVD somehow got the title back, after last week, and managed to clean all the paint off it. The nWo spray paint didn't come off that quickly back in 1996. Maybe Sting just used shitty paint? I notice during RVD's entrance that there's only 16 minutes on the clock. Guess we're getting a TV main event. "RVD is always in a laid-back state" -Taz, in the same way Jeff Hardy will show up to 2 matches next year while in a laid-back state.

Match 9: Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Sting - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

After Borash's long-winded introductions, the bell sounds with only 13 minutes to go. At least this will be short. The men with a combined age of 90 start with a collar-and-elbow hug into the corner. Ref ignores the existence of countouts as they go to the outside - just like the Attitude Era! RVD delivers a leg drop to Sting while he's draped across the guardrail, which must be hellish to both of their bodies. I'm pretty sure there's been four straight minutes of RVD and Sting just tossing each other into the same wall by the time they reach the ring again.

Sting shoving RVD over by the head gets a two count (well, actually it came after a stinger splash, but RVD looked like he was back on a vertical base before the shove). Ref bump that does nothing but lead to another ref bump. A baseball bat beatdown is interrupted by... Jeff jarrett? Apparently, he flew all the way from Tennessee to stop Sting from cheating. Or maybe the face-painted moron wasn't observant enough to notice jarrett in the back. Maybe someone was hiding him there (foreshadowing)... Anyway, a quick sequence after that ends in a frog splash for the win and RVD to be #AndStill. Yep.

That was a rather low-key and lame 8th anniversary of TNA. Fits the tone of the year, doesn't it? See you on Impact.

 

[Sky]

Impact June 17, 2010 - Twos and Four after Eight​

Opening package insists Slammiversary VIII was a show for the ages. I think that should be "for ages", because that's how long it felt like it lasted. We get a recap of the most important matches, which doesn't include the X Division or the Knockouts (hey, Roxxi was forcibly retired, surely we should be made to feel that's important somehow?) but does include Tommy Dreamer being in the crowd. Priorities.

And forgoing the intro (again), but this time forgoing a cut to the Impact Zone as well... Eric Bischoff! He's not got a smiling fucking mug at the moment. Instead that fucking mug looks rather disappointed. Responsibility goes with being a champ in TNA apparently, and so this is the lead up to the announcement... because of Scott Hall's personal demons, the Band's tag titles have been vacated. Thank fuck for that. I never have to see him in his sad, drugged up state again. I'm glad he recovered eventually, but I'd be concerned for him if they didn't take this step. Bischoff says he hopes to see Hall in TNA again soon. Why? We're getting a tournament arc, because everyone loves a good old-fashioned tournament arc. MCMG get a bye to a match at Victory Road, because they're good wrestling guys.

Match 1: The Band (Kevin Nash/Eric Young) vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) - Tag Team Championship Series Semi-Final​

And we're straight into it, huh? No need for pretenses or wastes of pyro, let's just watch a very pissed-off looking Nash and Young head to the ring for their first segment match. It's time for a game of "whose push is getting derailed, the hot fan-favourite tag team or the guy with creative control?" Jesse is prevented from getting into the ring by an early gentle nudge from Nash. Apparently regarding the top 10 rankings, they can't decide between the top 3. So instead we're getting Abyss/Hardy/Anderson in a three-way to decide the top contender. They've kind of cheapened the rankings, in that case.

"Kevin Nash has several inches in height" -Taz. Also set for this Impact, Jeff jarrett calling out Sting. He's going to make a callout post and put it on Tumblr. Or the wrestlers' equivalent. Rumblr? This is not a bad match, except when Kevin Nash is involved. At one point Neal is trying to make the hot tag to Moore, and we get a shot of the partners' hands that looks not unlike the Creation of Adam. Ink Inc. win with a decent finisher, sort of a Mooregasm/Samoan drop combo. The other two teams involved are Beer Money and Team 3D, apparently. What happened to Generation Me? More recaps.

Ric Flair's music hits, and commentary seems surprised that it's not Jay Lethal but the actual Flair, with his whole squad in tow. He makes an announcement that he's going to announce an announcement. Backstage, Chelsea is trying to cling to Abyss after turning on Desmond Wolfe, but Abyss is focused on winning. That'd make a change from the past six months or so.

Back to Flair in the ring, the previously announced announcement is about to be announced. The announcement is that... they're remaking the Four Horsemen, under the name Fortune! Now, this is the beginning of the actual story that this entire rewatch was meant to follow. Six months in. You'd think he'd put over his new group... but he starts waxing lyrical about the Four Horsemen and claiming that Fortune suck compared to them. Especially notable is when he compares Desmond Wolfe to Lex Luger. That's not fair. If Wolfe were as roided up as Luger was, he'd actually have been pushed. "You committed suicide" -Flair to AJ.

Just as Flair's discussing AJ's loss to Lethal, out comes Lethal himself. It's at this moment I realise that I've accidentally stumbled upon a legendary moment in TNA history when I didn't even expect it. Lethal, in full Flair mode, shits on Fortune about the same as the real Flair did. This results in the two Flairs having a shouting match in pretty much the same voice. The senile old man chucks a shoe and Lethal elbow drops his own jacket, then they both start loudly woo-ing at each other. Notice I haven't made any jokes about this, as nothing could compare to watching the real segment. Look at it. Also, notice that Flair bumps for one of Lethal's woos. He's great.



Desmond Wolfe, calling Lethal "Tinkerbell" (that makes me want to see Consequences Creed as Peter Pan), challenges Lethal to a match. He says Lethal has "ghetto booty". Okay. Okay, we're just going to sweep that one under the rug. Stips are that if Wolfe wins, he's in Fortune, and if Lethal wins, Wolfe is out. Makes sense. It's Fortune, not Fivetune. Then we get a long, hard look at Lacey Von Erich getting a back massage. She still wears the title. I'm glad you're still relevant, Lacey, even though you could never wrestle. "Are we going to see the real Mr. Anderson?" Christy asks Anderson, to which the ostensible response is "lol IDK".

Match 2: Hernandez vs. Samoa Joe​

Two big guys who were getting pushed well, but not very well, and two guys who dislike Matt Morgan. I wonder who benefits here. Morgan vs. Hernandez is on again in Victory Road, but in a steel cage. You can hear Hernandez literally say "ow" after the traditional corner strikes from Joe. Way to sell him as a badass. Of course, we don't get a legit match as while the ref is checking on Joe on the outside, Morgan nutshots Hernandez, and then it's T-Bone Suplex, pin, win for Joe. Joe is understandably pissed at Morgan for the terrible crime of letting him win.

Heel AJ is continuing to be a dick to other heels, with Desmond Wolfe next on his list. Subjects of choice: Chelsea, and how Flair's going to leave him out on his ass after Lethal beats him. Hardy's about to cut his I Am Going To Win The Upcoming Match promo, when Anderson comes in and acts shockingly sporting.

Doug Williams out. He killed the X Division, apparently, because he did a Tornado DDT once. The X Division is now the mat-based workrate division. Oh... there is Generation Me. One of its members is about to be jobbed out to Williams to further a storyline.

Match 3: Douglas Williams vs. Max Buck​

I couldn't tell the difference until commentary told me it was Max. "Crazy purple tights" -Taz. That's not fair. I like the tights. This match is kind of treated as an afterthought, with Max's fast-paced offense being shut down hard by Williams. He's got a nice set of suplexes on him, does Doug. You know what also looks really clean? Max Buck's top-rope cutter. Predictably, Williams wins with the Tornado DDT to a chorus of boos. Williams locks in a cravate after the match and refuses to let go until Brian Kendrick shows up and passes out Williams in a "version of the old-school Cobra Clutch". So this feud is continuing. Not complaining.

Goldfish-memory video package for the Sting/jarrett feud, before they show a press conference about action figures. That's right. Dixie Carter held an actual press conference (attended by, apparently, actual press) to announce TNA action figures. Thankfully, she's too restrained to make an action figure of herself... for now.

Top of the second hour, we get Angelina Love. Not a bad choice, the "two balloons on a twig" look was oddly popular at the time. She said that in her injury time, she's come to realise careers can be cut short. That's about as much reference to Tara and Roxxi being gone as we're going to get, probably. Or it's another reference to Rosie Lottalove injuring Daffney. She's going to run through TBP, culminating with Madison at Victory Road. So that's why Lacey was getting a back massage: She was preparing for a match! "Lacey looks very loose" -Taz.

Match 4: Angelina Love vs. Lacey Von Erich​

This is probably going to be the second most important piss break of Lacey Von Erich's career (the most important piss break, of course, being the one she took before foiling Wolfe and Chelsea's plot). Lacey shows the duality of woman by following a respectable second-rope moonsault with a sliding drop toe whatever-the-fuck-that-is. They really want us to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter AND Facebook! They repeatedly draw attention to Lacey's inexperience, as if any amount of experience could fix her. Finish is Angelina bringing a steel chair and DDTing Lacey on to it, drawing a DQ. I looked it up on Cagematch (I do that a lot these days), and this was Lacey's last singles match ever. Which scuppers a title history I wanted to do.

Andre the Giant would have loved Jay Lethal, according to Hogan. We get a Hogan-on-Lethal pep talk, which is just a couple of minutes for Hogan to say "be serious, brother". Hardy interviewed by Hemme, who tries to stir shit between him and Anderson until Anderson shows up to call her out for being a shit stirrer.

Match 5: Team 3D (Brother Ray/Brother Devon) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) - Tag Team Championship Series Semi-Final​

Devon and Ray are arguing already. I don't fancy their chances. Beer Money are getting more of a face reaction than them. Even though there's a significant number of people giving "Let's go, Devon" chants. "You're a douchebag" chants to Ray. Team 3D do a move that threatens to split Storm's testicles open. Ink Inc. on commentary, and we realise why Shannon Moore isn't a commentator (he calls Brother Ray "Bubba"). Beer Money are pretty clearly the faces here. They even do a "BEER! MONEY!" without the crowd responding with "SUCKS!". Shannon Moore is now the Mayor of DILLIGAF (shit, that's a title history). Ray realises that Jesse Neal's up there and makes a mad dash, leaving Devon to be double-teamed and pinned. Storylines intersecting, I guess!

We get a brief look at Desmond Wolfe being an asshole to Chelsea. She can apparently redeem herself by helping Wolfe beat Lethal. Apparently, that match is next!

Match 6: Jay Lethal vs. Desmond Wolfe - for Wolfe's Place in Fortune​

We start with Wolfe shoving Lethal off the top rope. Always a good plan. Why don't more wrestlers do that when their opponents have top rope-mounted entrances? However... Wolfe wastes that time to flap his lips at Chelsea. We're not supposed to care about this, though, because Tommy Dreamer's showed up to watch! Look at Dreamer! Story of this match is that Wolfe's trying to control Chelsea while ignoring the fact that, you know, he has a match with Jay Lethal at the moment. Elevated neckbreaker gets the win. RIP Desmond's push.

Lethal celebrates with the crowd until Wolfe kills him. This character is losing his sanity, going by his facial expressions. Typical moment where Flair joins the guy he's just turfed out in beating up Lethal (???), until Hogan makes the save. He does his usual putting over the little guy, then announces Jay Lethal vs. Ric Flair. I have mixed feelings. On one hand, it's Jay Lethal wrestling in 2010; on the other, it's Ric Flair wrestling in 2010. Sting's limping down from the rafters. We get the updated rankings, announced very nonchalantly:

The TNA Top 10 Rankings: May/June 2010
10. Kurt Angle (N) (-)
9. Desmond Wolfe (7) (↓2)
8. D'Angelo Dinero (6) (↓2)
7. Jay Lethal (N) (-)
6. Samoa Joe (9) (↑3)
5. Sting (1) (↓4)
4. AJ Styles (2) (↓2)
3. ???
2. ???
1. ???​

Hope you like that format, because they're going to forget about the rankings so quickly, you're never going to see it again.

jarrett's making a callout post on his Twitter dot com (on which you should follow Dixie Carter) about Sting. Calls him Steve Borden multiple times (to be fair, he is without his facepaint), and reckons he hears with his eyes. It's just two old guys talking. "You think this is funny, Steve?" -jarrett. I really wanted Sting to reply "I do, and I'm tired of pretending it's not". Cliff notes version: he cares about TNA, he is going to have a rematch, and he thinks Hogan and Bischoff are good boys (lol nope). Sting is speechless in the ring. I have no idea what to think.

Match 7: Mr. Anderson vs. Abyss vs. Jeff Hardy - Number 1 Contender for the World Heavyweight Championship​

They wonder if Abyss could be the odd man out. He already is - the only one that isn't cheered. Bell rings with about ten minutes to go, which is quite a lot of time left by the standard of recent episodes of Impact. All 3 of the Championship Committee apparently decided a different person for the top contender. I reckon Hogan picked Abyss because obviously, Bischoff picked Hardy because secret stablemates, and Dixie picked Anderson because she's dumb. This is a very TV main event, so let's just watch Tommy Dreamer in the crowd! Because that's so important!

They do a bit of fighting, all three brawl to the outside... and they're all counted out? Huh, I thought that couldn't happen in triple threats. Abyss goes batshit, attacking everyone and seemingly turning heel. He ends up slamming Anderson on to broken glass, which looks a lot more like powdered sugar glass than usual. Or even like actual sugar. After Jeff Hardy gets thrown through something high and breaks it, we get more Hogan. Apparently Abyss hates Hogan now? This is an interesting development. Knowing what comes next, it seems kind of nonsensical. But what do I know? See you next Impact.

 

[Sky]

Impact June 24, 2010 - I Got A Blank Space, Baby​

Slammiversary's fallout show signalled that the next arc has truly begun, featuring twists such as: We still don't have a number 1 contender for Victory Road! Abyss hates Hogan now! The X Division is now dead, thanks to Doug Williams! They've managed to find a way to re-centre the show around this old man again! And that means that after the opening sequence, we get a massive blow of pyro as the only guy TNA thinks we should care about enters. Near six months of stench doesn't seem to have stopped Hogan from getting cheers from theme park-going tourists, and that's what matters in the end, isn't it?

"You know, you guys are full of it" -Hogan, forgetting that he hasn't turned heel yet. "I've been to the Big Shows" -Also Hogan. Can I count that as a WWE shot? No, because Paul Wight was in WCW too. And he's 5-2-1 vs. Hogan in that promotion. Anyway, the top 3 contenders all get their title shot, it's a four-way now, yep. Abyss is out, no more American Made (I'll miss it, but only slightly), but still wearing red and yellow. Hogan's first question is understandably, "Dude, what the fuck?" Abyss's answer is simple: because "they" told him to! We've finally gotten there!



That's right, we've got the first mention of "them" by someone who turned out to actually be one of "them". We had Samoa Joe after he got kidnapped by ninjas, but I looked that up... apparently he was supposed to be part of Immortal, but he got cheered over faces when beating them up, so they couldn't have that. Never mind the fact that we had the most unlikable collection of top faces in recent history at the time with Hogan, Bischoff, Abyss, and Jeff jarrett... it's Joe's fault! Kill his push! The big news is, though, that at last we've entered the arc that this whole rewatch was about. Six months in.

I got so caught up in my celebration of the Immortal arc actually starting that I didn't notice some smarks in the crowd are starting a pathetic attempt at a "What" chant on Abyss. He sounds like he's about to say "It doesn't matter what you think" to Hogan at one point. "There is no they" -the leader of them. Abyss has had enough of that shit, chokes Hulk out, shoves the Hall of Fame ring down his throat (storyline progression??), and is about to give him the broken glass treatment, and even RVD and Anderson can't stop him. Where was this Abyss all this time? After the break, we get Hogan and Bischoff in the back wondering where they went wrong. You didn't. You planned this.

Here's a Beautiful People segment! We're getting back to those, yay. Madison is surprisingly upbeat given that Lacey was destroyed by a head-first meeting with a steel chair last week. Velvet's having none of it. "On the plus side, at least she's used to laying on her back" -Madison. Hey, quit stealing my lines!

Match 1: Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky​

And here I was, hoping this match would be a restart of that one Leather and Lace/I Quit match from a couple of months ago, because that never got resolved. "TNA Knockout Angelina Love" -Borash. Good, at least it's not Roxxi. Lacey has a compressed vertebra apparently. Taz muses on how bizarre the phrase "former BFFs" is. We're getting Abyss vs. Anderson Falls Count Anywhere in the main event. Seeing as Abyss is seemingly invulnerable. Velvet hits the Skyliner, which is just In Yo' Face (a sitout Pedigree) but it's a straitjacket slam instead of a facebuster. Match ends just as Lacey's did. Angelina silently insists that something similar will happen to Madison at Victory Road, presumably meaning she'll get laid out but win by DQ.

We get an appearance by Jay Lethal's brother (I had to look this fact up; I wish real life were more like porn, where people mentioned their relation to each other repeatedly in general conversation). The Band are walkin' and talkin', and Kevin Nash sounds out of his mind. Like Scott Hall. Apparently the Band is over as Nash doesn't want Young to be associated with his bullshit when he inevitably gets fired too.

"I told you so" -Matt Morgan, apparently, like 15 times. He calls out Hernandez, who commentary mentions is in Mexico doing PR. Multiple times. "Put down the burrito" -Matt Morgan, in the year 20 fucking 10. "Beat your head like a pinata" -oh, come on, Morgan. Homicide comes out instead. Knowing this Morgan, he thinks "It's a Latino, good enough", and gives him a ring post Carbon Footprint. Morgan could be a face if he'd just clarified that he was clearing the world of unsafe moves. We go backstage with Flair and AJ talking about a package of some sort.

Match 2: Jay Lethal vs. Kazarian​

Apparently, this win will give Kazarian a place in Fortune. They talk about Lethal's meteoric rise up the rankings, as if the rankings matter. Kazarian leapfrogs the referee to hit Lethal, and somehow doesn't get disqualified. "That's for Ric, you stupid bastard!" -Kaz, unbleeped. Seems his hair is growing a lot recently, nice. "I'm looking at everybody right now" -Ric, according to Taz. Fairly standard TV match interrupted by picture-in-picture footage of AJ and Flair assaulting Jay Lethal's brother. Fade to Black countered to Lethal Injection for the pin. Of course, the footage of the assault conveniently shows on the screen after Lethal wins, and he's gotta go help them.

Match 3: Sting vs. Jeff jarrett​

It's kind of unfair to call this a match, but it's billed initially as a match. Sting doesn't show up. jarrett goes up to the rafters to find him, assaults a fake Sting, doesn't notice the real Sting in the ring, then gets stung by the Sting in the ring. Didn't they do this spot in WCW? It would have been great if they'd brought in Jeff Farmer - the most famous fake Sting - to do this. But no, it was probably some Florida indy guy that they paid peanuts. The boos here are pretty clearly piped in, as are the chants for jarrett. And it seems Sting knows about "them" too, and he thinks jarrett is one of "them". Did he just see Abyss's promo and improvise that as a reason for his paranoia?

Big hype package for Bound for Glory on 10.10.10. From Daytona Beach, Florida. Hmm, that was the location of a Hulk Hogan heel turn in the past, wasn't it...? Then, another hype package for the history of Desmond Wolfe vs. Kurt Angle. I'm glad they showed us footage of the brief time when they pushed Wolfe as a serious competitor. He's in the ring for a rematch, and tells Chelsea to fuck off.

Match 4: Kurt Angle vs. Desmond Wolfe​

Oh yeah, Wolfe moved to Number 9 during the last rankings, didn't he? We get a rare sight of good wrestling on TNA TV. Commentary, naturally, chooses to talk a lot about other things, mostly involving Abyss and "them". Mike Tenay has to pretend he's never seen anything like "them". Wolfe and Chelsea occasionally take time out to argue, and Taz claims he hates his wife. The big bombshell comes from Taz, who's claimed that Angle said he might as well leave TNA if he fails to win any of these Top Contender matches. Why don't the fans get to know this? Angle's thrown over the turnbuckle and almost lands on his head. Yeesh. Ankle Lock win. Good TV match!

Anderson's in the back complaining about being injured but reiterating that I Am Going To Win The Upcoming Match. Video about Doug Williams. It starts to feel like he only has one promo in this heel guise.

And we've got Williams in the ring. He basically tells Kendrick to stop talking pseudo-psychic bollocks, and that no one in the X Division is professional. Wouldn't that mean they'd be amateur? They'd be amateur wrestlers? Which you like, Dougie boy? Of course, this brings Kendrick out, to reveal that at Victory Road there's going to be an Ultimate X or Submission match. Yes, it's the same match. It can end by unhooking the belt or by submission. Williams says they'll settle it at the PPV, but he's tricked by Kendrick who chokes him out. This, apparently, is the face.

More Abyss. Yay... He's talking to a metal support about "them". Abyss, when we said you needed a solid support group to get better, we didn't mean that. We get another chapter in the Team 3D/Ink Inc. saga, where Brother Ray's already beaten on Jesse Neal backstage, and is about to square through Shannon Moore before Devon ploughs through security and shuts him up. That's not ideal for Ink Inc., because their match is next...

Match 5: Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) - Tag Team Championship Series Final​

Or rather, this is a handicap match (or "handi-capable", says Chris Sabin on guest commentary) as Jesse Neal isn't available. Moore's actually not doing bad 2v1. The Guns seems to think his studs and rivets count as a foreign object, even though they both wear studs and rivets too. Tommy Dreamer out again. Except that he's joined by Stevie Richards and Raven?? At least these guys were in TNA before. "Raven's mad because Shannon Moore stole his facepaint and used it all" -Alex Shelley, drawing a genuine smile from me. We're informed that Beer Money got their team name from the 2001 TV movie of the same name, a movie described by Rotten Tomatoes as "the sort of film that makes the Three Stooges look subtle".

They cut back to the three ECW guys again. A guy in a douchey outfit and a white backwards baseball cap is talking to Dreamer, and he looks nonplussed. Finally Jesse Neal comes back, and does okay, but gets beer spit in his face and killed by the DWI. I'm pretty glad about this. Beer Money/MCMG should be a good match.

Styles and Kazarian are arguing about Jay Lethal. "Is this my package?" -AJ. "That ain't your package, it's way too big" -Kaz. Seriously guys, stop stealing my lines. Turns out it's an AJ action figure. "Go take little AJ and play with yourself" -Kaz, who is on fire tonight!

Match 6: Abyss vs. Mr. Anderson - Falls Count Anywhere​

Most of Abyss' minute-and-a-half long entrance is obscured by a goldfish-memory video replay of last week and the opening segment tonight. Anderson choosing to save time and rush to the ring - we've only got just over 10 minutes left at this point. Taz believes Anderson actually cares about or respects Hulk Hogan. The first move after this goes to the outside is Anderson getting a face full of steel chair, and then it goes back inside the ring. What part of "falls count anywhere" don't you understand? "Hulk Hogan created a Monster" -Tenay, thinking we should forget Abyss was the Monster long before.

Anderson produces a kendo stick (or more appropriately, because the ECW guys are around, a Singapore Cane). "Hit him with the cane! Hit him with it! Hit him again!" -a fan in the crowd, who apparently has the strategy right down. Abyss is no selling most of the time, except when Anderson has a weapon. There's an upturned chair nut shot, which is always fun if you're not taking it. Shock Treatment wins it. Inside the ring. Why was this a Falls Count Anywhere match? There were no pinfall attempts outside the ring. Abyss beats Anderson to the entrance ramp and chokeslams him through the same oddly breakable floor that Jeff Hardy went through. Then he no-sells a Hogan chair shot. Wow, Abyss really is being pushed. See you next Impact.