Victory Road 2011 - Gone In 89 Seconds
We're doing this again, are we? I'll be glad to have a bit more context from the previous Impacts, as it'll give me something to cling on to when I trudge through this shitshow one more time. Opening package is about Sting being Awesome and Back and also Hogan officially controlling TNA again. Only one of these things directly relates to a match on the show.
Match 1: Bully Ray vs. Tommy Dreamer - Falls Count Anywhere
Bully (after abusing SoCal Val) gets on the stick pre-match and basically verbally sucks off Hogan and Bischoff. Almost as if they knew they'd need a new name talent in Immortal soon, huh? Dreamer comes out to listen to Bully's abuse, and waits until Bully calls him "fatass" to attack. Dreamer hits a crossbody. To the outside where Dreamer BOTOs for the fans. He takes a fan's chair, gives it to another fan, and rams Bully into it. He spits water into Bully's face and he sells it like blinding green mist. And he grabs a MINION DOLL which gets a big pop. Taz has no idea what it is because it's from back when Minions weren't ubiquitous on middle-aged women's unfunny and mildly racist Facebook posts.
Extended segment in the crowd where Dreamer uses a fan's walking stick, then runs down the stairs for something as innocuous as an axe handle. More BOTO now. Bully has a kendo stick but instead of taking the obvious step of attacking Dreamer with it, attacks Val with it to get a chair. Which he doesn't even get to use. Road stuff from that Literal Street Fight earlier this year comes into play. Then Dreamer yanks out a SEX DOLL! WHY IS A SEX DOLL UNDER THE RING? I don't know why, but I love it. Dreamer waffles Bully so he's 69ing the doll! "Not a three-way match" -Tenay. After a superplex Bully attacks the doll and fails to pop it!
Dreamer eventually retrieves a table but can't piledrive Bully through. Bully starts destroying Dreamer then grabs a mic and calls out Devon at the top of his voice. Team 3D music hits and out come Devon's boys... to provide a distraction to let Devon himself show up and do a 3D through the table along with Dreamer! Dreamer wins, which is a little silly given how you're going to push Bully in the future, but that's fun stuff.
Tenay and Taz are here to talk about what's coming up (or rather, what's not coming up) while the staff clean the sex doll etc. out of the ring.
Christy Interview #1 with the BPs and Winter! Winter insists the help she gave was proof that she and Velvet can be Friends. She says Angelina's seeing the light, and Velvet is very much not happy to hear this. The disintegration continues!
Match 2: Angelina Love/Winter (c) vs. Sarita/Rosita - for the Knockouts Tag Team Championship
Sarita on the mic beforehand. She's Going To Win The Upcoming Match, discusses the Velvet/Angelina/Winter "kinky love triangle" (her words not mine) and goes on a Spanish rant about how Mexicans are awesome. Neither of these women is Mexican. Winter comes out with a kink blindfold. The shine of the faces(?) early on is largely at Rosita's expense. "Oh what the fuck" -Sarita when Winter lunges at her from the corner. "Mexicans" are getting nothing until Sarita pulls the hair. "USA" chants where the most American woman in the match is Rosita (born in Queens and of Puerto Rican heritage). Rosita holds Winter back for Sarita but You Know How This Spot Goes.
Even when the cousins cheat all they're doing is missing. They look so weak. Bicycle kick/Samoan drop but Sarita breaks it up. The ref's distracted by Angelina, Sarita goes for the belt, but the two roll out. Ref's distracted again, Rosita prepares a belt shot... for half a year because Velvet misses her cue to run in and take the belt away. Winter roll-up, Sarita reverses the roll, and then the REF misses his cue so the microbe Rosita has to hold down Winter for another half a year. Still, whatever works.
New Knockouts Tag Team Champions - Sarita/Rosita. The botches aligned there. Velvet is not happy but Winter's blaming her. The collapse continues.
The jarretts' honeymoon time. And it's... taking their kids to Universal Studios! You know, the place where Jeff and Karen are every week anyway! Jeff's trying too hard to impress Karen who does not like this. Neither do I, to be fair. The kids want to ride the rollercoaster again.
Christy Interview #2 goes to Matt Morgan. Morgan's mad at Hernandez for screwing him out of the title, and doesn't understand why Hernandez might have a grudge with the guy who kicked his head into steel less than a year ago. He's going for the title. (Pretty sure he never gets another shot.)
Vignette about Hernandez helping Immortal because he hates white people. Immortal as a stable is entirely made of white people. Except maybe Hulk Hogan. He's an orange person.
Match 3: Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez - First Blood Match
Big intense punchfest to start. Morgan's primarily attacking Hernandez's face, noticing that this is the area from which most wrestlers bleed. This is where it pays to do BOTO. Morgan strips the turnbuckle but not enough because there's still a pad there. Whatever worked in Nemeth vs. Alexander, I guess. Hernandez tries to stab Morgan in the eye with a broken kendo stick. He continues to target the eyes. "We want blood" chants from fans who want this to be over already. Remember that non-stripped turnbuckle? Yeah, the inner pad just fell off on its own. Everything works out in the end. Morgan comes back and grabs the kendo spike but can't put it to use.
Morgan sets up the Carbon Footprint but a fan runs out to stop him. Knowing that this is the guy who goes on to be Anarquia, it makes a tiny bit more sense that he's kept on-screen. Hernandez chains his fist but Morgan reverses. Hernandez blades on camera. This, naturally, doesn't end the match, because that fan from earlier BUMPED THE REF OFF-SCREEN. Hernandez towels off and whips out what, as far as I can tell, is a ketchup squirter, and covers Morgan's chest in it. Jackson James (of course it is) sees Morgan first and calls this match for Hernandez. What a silly match with a silly finish. And not in a good way!
Christy Interview #3 with the Bucks, who are both in the Ultimate X. Matt's birthday is today and he insists that Nick had the idea of carrying him to the win. Nick has no idea about this.
Meanwhile, Borash Interview #1 is with Kaz. Kaz quizzes JB on his Ultimate X history and insists that he is Going To Win the Upcoming Match. Just like Charlie Sheen, he's WINNING. He hasn't got tiger blood though. That'll be in a couple of years when Tigre Uno debuts.
Earlier Today, Robbie E is trying to get something from catering and Cookie is having a loud, annoying panic attack. She wants vodka from there. I doubt she'll get it somehow.
Package about Kazarian, Ultimate X matches, and Kazarian being awesome in Ultimate X matches. Then the X Factors, basically confirming what we know. The Bucks are two people, Robbie E is a former champ, and Kaz is better than all these guys at Ultimate X.
Match 4: Kazarian (c) vs. Robbie E vs. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck - Ultimate X Match for the X Division Championship
Cookie kicks off by clinging to Kaz's leg while leaving Robbie to get beaten up by the Bucks. That's a babyface turn for Cookie in my book. Or is it a heel turn for Kaz? Who knows. Early on Kaz gets very close. The Bucks are generally looking worst out of this in terms of booking. Kaz leg drops Robbie in the cock. Nick hits a springboard X-Factor which is very cool. Robbie gets tossed out and fucks both his ankles. "I saw Max come in the back door there" -Taz. Like the fist on Robbie's ass. Matt basically monkey flips Nick to the outside and on to the other two. Just let them do spots like that! It's not hard to book the Bucks. Just don't give them creative control.
Both Bucks go to the wires, with Nick doing a big old leap up. Kaz downs them both, hitting Matt with a cutter. Robbie checks under the ring and finds nothing. You'll notice I'm not talking about who's on the wires and who isn't because I'd be saying "he pulls him off" every five seconds and I'm not sure the world is ready for that density of innuendo. Kaz tosses Matt and he gets his head stuck in the steel structure. Tower of Doom and Robbie E's the beneficiary. Kaz pulls out the Flux Capacitor! Bucks drag both their opponents down and superkick them. The disagreement begins though as Matt disagrees with Nick on the finish. They both climb individually, Robbie shows up with a ladder, and Kaz climbs the scaffold to walk the wires! The great big pile-up ends with Bucks on the floor and Kaz with the belt to retain!
Back to the jarrett honeymoon, ughhhhh. Karen's too hot and tired of the kids' shit. Jeff teases champagne but gives the kids pizza. Karen is miserable. So am I.
Christy Interview #4 with Beer Money! They're buzzed already. They want Christy to join in the Beer Money chant but Christy realises that would cause her to bend down in front of them. Roode spins that into a talk about respecting former tag team champions that they've beaten. Basically they're Going To Win The Upcoming Match.
Package about Beer Money being awesome and the punks being the hot young challengers. Tag Lines are essentially "Challengers challenged, champions accepted, champions are champions". There's really no story here.
Match 5: Beer Money, Inc. (c) vs. Ink, Inc. - for the World Tag Team Championship
The headband on Jesse Neal makes it look like a mohawk hat rather than his actual hair. This starts as a really Japanese-style match in terms of its structure, with both sides looking even and having counters of counters for counters. Storm and Neal have a little slap fight. Shannon Moore is the quickest and most agile in the ring, which allows him to do things like really bump for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. And apparently, whip his partner into the corner by accident. And miss a dropkick into the corner and mash his balls. Both the punks go for chinlocks a couple of times, and it very much feels unearned.
Roode's really getting over. We get a bonzo gonzo loss of control pretty early on, I'd think. That doesn't stop Beer Money doing their wheelbarrow lungblower move. Moore kinda botches a moonsault block but Roode saves the spot by coming to meet him. Untitled Samoan Drop/Mooregasm Combo is teased but Roode escapes and starts to clear out. Moore hits a corkscrew whatever-the-fuck then goes a mile in the air on a uranage. Two differnet bits of athleticism. BEER! MONEY! DWI attempt but Neal saves with a spear! Moore tries using the Book of DILLIGAF to cheat but Neal stops him... which leaves Moore a sitting duck for the DWI! Beer Money retain in the match of the night so far. Show of respect by Neal but Moore spits in Beer Money's face, so they're disagreeing now! Tag Teams Must Split!
Christy Interview #5 is with Ric Flair and Matt Hardy. Flair opines that Matt Hardy is Going To Win The Upcoming Match. Both of these guys like the name "cold blooded" for Matt. You can feel the glimpses of the Broken character in the melodramatic nonsense he talks.
Match 6: AJ Styles vs. Matt Hardy
This starts as another end-to-end clean match, refreshingly. Maybe this show is starting to look up! After a skirmish on the apron, AJ throws Matt out, and Flair denies us a dive. Right after that AJ sells a clothesline like murder. After some Matt offence they're on the apron again and AJ does a moonsault block off it. Matt could easily win by count-out but rolls out again. This leads to the best spot of the whole show, where Matt whips AJ to the guardrail, AJ slides under, and does a Phenomenal Forearm off it! He's always been awesome. Matt suplexes AJ uncomfortably into the buckle. He tosses AJ out so Flair can attack... which leads to an OLD MAN SHOVE FIGHT between Flair and Earl Hebner! Who says sports entertainment can't coexist with real graps?
Matt slaps on the Ice Pick which I LOVE as a submission. It targets the neck, shoulders and torso all in one. He's even building to it with his moves, working the neck. Flair sneaks in the DEADLY TESTICULAR CLAW! Matt's working a cravate with purpose. AJ's chops are so forceful even Hebner's bobbing and weaving a little. PELE PELE PELE for a double down. AJ pulls out an Ushigoroshi, a rare move that makes Matt's Side Effect feel slightly less impressive. Only slightly. After some finish counters, AJ bungles an Asai DDT, but no pin anyway as Flair's distracting the ref. Flair pokes AJ in the eye which earns a Pele. Matt gets two off a moonsault. He goes up top again but eats a Pele and SPIRAL TAP to give AJ the win. Post-match AJ uppercuts Flair in the nuts for good measure. Shockingly good match that's going to stand as the highlight of Matt's first TNA run.
jarretts again! Karen is tired of all these rides. Just like I'm tired of this angle. Jeff thinks what's missing is Kurt Angle, which sets up something for the next Impact! The kids are missing, then suddenly they're not, and then the jarretts get soaked by some sort of theme park gimmick. I'm
hoping that's it.
Christy Interview #6 goes to Mr. Anderson! He's being a real dick about screwing RVD. He says everyone's getting screwed. He also struggles to say Dixie's been screwed, in a way that doesn't make it sound like sex. There's a difference between being an asshole and being a douchebag, apparently. RVD is apparently a douchebag.
Video package about RVD vs. Anderson that I'm sure we saw on the go-home. Who's going to be in the main at Lockdown? I wonder who?
Match 7: Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson - World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender's Match
Staredown for instant big fight feel. The duality of RVD: misses with a somersault leg drop but does a pretty sick bodyscissors pin right after. Anderson really snaps into a headlock, which is worrying for RVD's neck. My second favourite spot on this show happens when RVD fails to leapfrog Anderson high enough and Anderson headbutts him in the testes. He insists he meant to do that. Fans aren't convinced. Generic heat, RVD fights back, then it's time to go to the outside. RVD planchas out and does his guardrail leg drop, but Anderson moves away and RVD wrecks his right knee. Which makes it weird when, right after, Anderson works the left leg. Didn't you see which one he hurt, Ken?
RVD gets heat, now selling the wrong leg. That is, if he's selling the leg at all. Anderson tries a Mic Check but RVD grabs the rope so Anderson just lands flat on his back. This shit is just so slow and unnatural looking. Clash of heads, and Anderson takes the collision worse (because he's got kayfabe and legit concussion problems). RVD sends Anderson out with a crossbody and there's a double down on the outside. RVD resets the count to fight up the ramp but Anderson hits the Mic Check. Both men are counted out. The dueling chants are "Restart the match" because the fans want a decisive finish, and "NO" because the fans don't want to see more of these guys wrestling. A damning indictment of a match that absolutely earned that scorn.
In lieu of an interview we get a pre-tape of Jeff Hardy, who's wearing sunglasses indoors for half of it. He takes them off to reveal he at least wasn't off his face during this promo.
Video package of Sting Gone and then Sting Back, wait wasn't this on the previous Impact? Tale of the Tape includes the prescient line "No excuses tonight for Jeff Hardy". It's as if they knew, isn't it?
Match 8: Sting (c) vs. Jeff Hardy - for the World Heavyweight Championship
Do I have to narrate what happens again? You know this one. Hardy takes nearly a minute to show up and is clearly not sober. No straight lines being walked here. He's stumbling on the steel steps. Sting's trying to salvage this but you know the number one thought in his head is "THIS MOTHERFUCKER". Ref Brian Hebner throws out the X on-screen and appeals to Val to go to the back and DO SOMETHING. Borash is stalling for time with the introductions. Hardy flips off the crowd. Bischoff shows up to totally improv a promo about why Hardy wants this to be made a No DQ match and call a few audibles before Sting decks him. Hardy paces around, teases throwing his shirt, digs his nails into Sting's neck, and then Sting decides to finish this in 89 seconds with a Scorpion Death Drop and shoot pin. Fans think it's bullshit. Sting agrees.
Tenay and Taz throw up highlights of every other match to get as much PPV time filled as possible. People call this a low for TNA, and I can't say I disagree. I hope you don't mind if I quote Bryan Alvarez.
Normally I wouldn’t rate this, but we’re on a roll with negative star matches so let’s keep this alive. (-*****) Yes, MINUS FIVE STARS. How do I justify this rating? Well, one of two things happened here. Maybe this whole thing was a stupid work. You know, the Pillman loose cannon deal with Hardy playing the role of wrestler-in-no-condition-to-perform, trying to get Internet fans talking. Well, if that’s the case, this is the best they could come up with? If this was a work, and you were going to do this one-minute finish, at least have it go on second-to-last and come up with some creative excuse to put something else in the main event slot. Isn’t that the point of having a CREATIVE TEAM? If this was a work they bent over and fucked in the ass their most die-hard, loyal-to-the-death fans with a 1:29 main event on a show they paid anywhere from $35 to $45 for. The other possibility is that Jeff was messed up, which was what people in TNA claimed Sunday night. In which case, why is Jeff Hardy in the main event? Years ago WWE fired Jeff because they were concerned with his behaviour and he refused to go to rehab. TNA immediately signed him. Then when he kept fucking up they let him go, and WWE signed him back. Then he left WWE a second time, and a week later he got busted and CHARGED WITH MULTIPLE DRUG FELONIES. It’s bad enough to bring a guy in who was having problems when working for the opposition (and believe me I am not defending WWE here because I thought it was wildly irresponsible when they did it as well), but to bring him in when he’s facing possible jail time on drug charges? For fuck’s sake. And it’s not like they took a chance on him, like WWE did, and he actually was on his best behaviour once he got there. Oh no. He had an incident just a few month back at another PPV where they were so concerned about his behaviour backstage that they nearly pulled him from the show and stripped him of the title (and, of course, in the end they didn’t, they just let him work, and then they gave the belt back to him again a month after he lost it to Mr. Anderson). HELLO? EARTH TO FUCKING IDIOTS. If this was legit, I have no sympathy for Dixie Carter whatsoever. In fact, I hold her even more responsible if this was real than if it was fake. If this was fake, they just did something ungodly stupid. If it was real, she continues to enable a guy with a real problem. She needs to get her fucking act together, like nine years ago. Not to mention that if he really was in no condition to perform, this was the best the creative team could come up with? A one-minute main event with a fluky finish? I mean, Jesus Christ, how long would it take you, the reader, to come up with something better, something that, I don’t know, DOESN’T INVOLVE JEFF HARDY? I mean, think about this. Let’s say he was under the influence of something. They actually thought – THEY ACTUALLY THOUGHT – that it would be better to PUT HIM IN THE RING FOR A ONE-MINUTE BULLSHIT MAIN EVENT than to, say, claim he got beat up by Kurt Angle and have Kurt replace him and do a 12-minute match with Sting. That decision right there, as a business owner, would cause me to swing low through this company in my sweet chariot, decapitating one member of creative after another with my flaming sword, so as to never see them again. Ideally everyone in the world would be employed, preferably in something they enjoyed doing, but for the love of God this company needs to die. Just die, Dixie can go back to being the friendly receptionist at Panda Headquarters in Texas, and if fate is such that there must be a “number-two” wrestling company in America, someone with a fucking brain will come by and pick up the pieces. And hopefully they can do it without rehiring everyone responsible for this Titanic of a company, unlike the current moronic brain trust who hired everyone responsible for killing WCW almost exactly ten years ago to the day. Over the years I have gotten one angry letter after another from the TNA diehards, trying to defend the utter bullshit nonsense that is Impact and the stupid decisions Dixie and her goofy crew make. This is what happens when you blindly support bullshit. You get this show, a show destined to be an entire chapter in a book someday.
People have speculated about a "Death of TNA" book to complement "Death of WCW", long before this show, and long after it. TNA has refused to follow the script just as Goldberg did on that fateful night in 2000, simply continuing to exist despite all those running it's best efforts. And that's admirable. I hope I never have to talk about Victory Road 2011 again. See you next Impact.
Sting then immediately kills his goodwill by implying that Hogan got Jeff back on the drugs. He wants to help the other guys in the back, which is noble. Hogan calls him out for blaming Immortal for Jeff's issues, and says Immortal has a ton of main eventers (as if, ya know, all the main eventers in the stable didn't recently turn face or show up to a PPV high).