Lockdown 2011 - Predetermined Steel
The all-cage PPV is back! Depending on who you ask, there's a few stories on how Lockdown came to exist, but all of them are consistent that it was a joke that someone took seriously. Still, at least it produced some decent television. Hey, did someone suggest that they play out the Angle/jarrett divorce proceedings as a months-long wrestling angle as a joke too? Because I see no reason why it's happened. Opening package focuses on how dangerous the cage is... before transitioning to the Angle thing. "I AM SICK OF THIS SHIT" -Angle, talking my language. At least Fortune/Immortal and the title three-way gets some focus too. There's also a ton of stock footage of blood that I thnk they reused from that Whole F'n Show show. Off we go!
Match 1: Brian Kendrick vs. Chris Sabin vs. Robbie E vs. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Amazing Red vs. Jay Lethal vs Suicide - X Division Championship #1 Contender's Xscape Match
They've got the three-screen setup and I am SOLD. The Bucks' individual entrances are lame enough to fit well in their current AEW failure gimmick. Speaking of AEW, I'm going to their Glasgow show. Did I mention that? Suicide gets a bigger pop than anyone else in the field except Sabin which is depressing. He's also getting a shocking amount of shine early. There's a few teases of Buck vs. Buck but it never gets anywhere. Robbie E pins Suicide for the first elim. Lethal gets a bit of time to mock Robbie before he does some really smooth stuff with Sabin. Then we get Red vs. Lethal and a Code Red to eliminate Lethal. In what I believe is his last TV appearance for TNA as he got released a few days later. This company.
Speaking of underused guys, Amazing Red, who gets a good bit of time to show off his athleticism with Sabin before he gets eliminated too. Sabin does his cool Tree of Woe dropkick on Matt. Kendrick is just sitting around meditating in the corner for most of this match. While I process crowd chanting for Kendrick, Matt eliminates Sabin to negative reaction with a top rope cutter, then Kendrick storms in. For about five seconds before Robbie E kills his momentum. Matt does a moonsault but Kendrick gets the knees up. Nick tags in and NOW we get the brother war. Nick takes Matt's head off with a roundhouse kick, fucking hell. Then Matt does a random small package to chuck Nick for zero reaction. Says it all, really.
Both heels battering-ram Kendrick into the cage which cannot be a fun bump to take. Doesn't stop Kendrick from kicking both guys and eliminating Robbie. Escape section begins, and Kendrick takes some more stupid head and neck bumps. We go to the top rope and have the same top rope battle that always seems to happen in these cage matches. Kendrick looks like he's climbed but Matt shoves the ref into the cage and Kendrick takes a physics-defying bump back into the ring. It's all academic, and Max wins a huge letdown of a match. A match designed to be a spotfest, with nearly zero spots thanks to the cage, just guys wrestling generic-like but they're smaller. Like death-era WCW cruiserweights. Sad.
What could possibly hype this crowd up? An Eric Bischoff promo, that'll definitely work! He gives himself a verbal blowjob over the size of the crowd for entirely too long and then says that Immortal are Going To WIn The Upcoming Match. A "we want wrestling" chant starts up, just a little.
Christy's in the back, in some corridor under some stairs rather than a booth of some sort. At least put up a curtain. Anyway, she's interviewing Crimson and Scott Steiner. Steiner references the Kobe Bryant rape case, and yet he doesn't get fired. Maybe Abraham Washington should have gone into chainmail headwear, maybe that would have helped.
Match 2: Ink, Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) vs. Scott Steiner/Crimson vs. The British Invasion (Douglas Williams/Magnus) vs. Eric Young/Orlando Jordan - Steel Cage Match
This isn't a contender match, it's just tag teams doing
something because champs Beer Money are busy off in Lethal Lockdown. EY and OJ's tron says "I love tag teaming" and OJ is dressed as a caveman. EY does a rope walk and some guy chants Super Eric. He and Jesse Neal do the "series of moves and standoff" but it's all armdrags. That's fine. I like armdrags. British Invasion do some double team stuff but OJ breaks out of it by grinding on Doug Williams in the corner. Brits bully Jesse Neal and the crowd wants Steiner, probably recognising that he's the hot tag that ends this match. Crimson doesn't satisfy them. Only Steiner does.
So Steiner does all his signature spots. Belly-to-bellies for everyone! Top rope belly-to-belly for one Brit, teasing a Frankensteiner for the other, but Shannon Moore's blind tagged himself in and kills the momentum. EY takes his shorts off to show some leopard-print "team unity" with OJ. Moonsault by Moore gets two. OJ hits the Gender Bender (it's a great move, but why call it that??). Everyone does their finishes on each other, EY wipes out Steiner with a dropkick, and goes to climb. But while he's climbing down, Moore stumbles his way into hitting a Mooregasm on one of the Brits for the win in another weirdly flat finish. Or maybe it's just that the crowd has not cared about the match. What was that about wanting wrestling?
Christy Interview #2 is in the corridors with Madison (with her biggest tiara yet) and Tara. Madison threatens to demonstrate what she's about to do to Mickie's hair on Tara. Tara stopping her is apparently the biggest offense ever so she tells Tara not to show up to the ring.
"I got my own tale of the tape - both these chicks are hot!" -Taz. Women's wrestling in 2011.
Match 3: Madison Rayne (c) vs. Mickie James - Steel Cage Title vs. Hair Match for the Knockouts Championship
Mickie has her arm in a sling position even when she's not wearing a sling. Except when she has to play to the crowd. Taz references Sinead O'Connor. Two absolutely incredible signs (and I mean incredible entirely pejoratively):
- "Mickie - winning the belt will add 10 pounds to your waistline" (someone let LayCool in to the front row?)
- "Women are good at: jello wrestling, pudding wrestling,
pro wrestling, hair cutting". Genuinely the worst sign I've ever seen, and I've seen the ones covered in slurs for Bruce.
Earl Hebner tries to remove Madison's tiara forgetting it's pinned down. Mickie shoves Madison into the cage a few times with her one bad shoulder, jumping DDT... it's done??
New Knockouts Champion - Mickie James in all of 30 seconds. A whole year of shitty Madison title run, over in 30 seconds to a one-armed woman. I mean, at least it's over but Jeez fucking Louise.
Christy Interview #3, and Christy is incredibly hyped that Mickie won, but mostly because she's standing next to Matt Morgan. He's not moved on from Hernandez all year, and he's still all about kicking dudes in the head. You know what needs kicked in the head, that shitty Mexican America stable.
Package about Pope/Joe, and absolute credit to the people who make these video packages, they make the feuds look like they don't suck!
Match 4: Samoa Joe vs. D'Angelo Dinero - Steel Cage Match
Pope's money rain rating: none, because the arena doesn't have the mechanism. Pope's too scared to face Joe like a true heel. He tries to climb, and when Joe goes to drag him down he gets an eye rake. Joe no-sells a slam. There's a long walking (running) cameraman shot after Joe does some babyface shine. Both men try to climb the cage, and battle on the top rope; Joe smashes Pope's face into the cage, making Pope land yambag-region-first. Pope drags the ref into Joe's path to stop his momentum and take control. Which he does with a face rake. Pope uppercut gets two and then
on goes the chinlock! They really sold this as "Submission vs. Street" but Joe's done plenty of strikes and Pope's been first to try a hold so far. Joe recovers and tries a sleeper but eats a lariat.
Joe counters the body guillotine attempt with a powerslam. They really like using wide shots this match. Joe does his senton combo and then a leg lariat which is one of the highest spots all match somehow. Pope gets his foot on the rope after a Muscle Buster, but if I frame-by-frame it he's not had his foot meet the rope yet before the three. Joe drags Pope off the cage by his tights, because if Flair's wrestling we've got to see man-ass somehow. An elbow drop and Codebreaker both fail to get results, DDE set up, but Joe catches Pope and slams him right into the cage. Muscle Buster, Coquina Clutch, and Pope's done. Now, can this feud be over?
Mexican America are having a pep talk, which Christy invades for an interview with Hernandez. "What is Mexican America?" -Christy, not getting it. Somehow, Hernandez, the leader of this stable, is the least convincing Spanish speaker. I love to repeat the fact that Hernandez was playing an American foreign heel in Mexico at the time.
The video package for Morgan/Hernandez focuses on how big they are and reminds us that when this started Morgan was the heel.
Match 5: Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez - Steel Cage Match
"From Houston, Texas" -Borash, blowing Hernandez's gimmick right away. Morgan kicks off with slugs and a side slam. Anarquia pulls Morgan's leg through the camera hole so Hernandez can get a splash off. Hernandez grinds Morgan's face against the steel and uses a nerve pinch, that classic Mexican move. So far this is just a regular match with a cage wall and it's been all SuperMex. Hernandez does a shoulder barge but doesn't get the three because he poses before the pin. Towel choking! Hernandez spends half a minute posing after a corner charge; he's really milking this. This gives Morgan time to recover and hit a lariat.
Morgan comes back, and resorts to punching and cage-tossing like it's a WCW cage main event. A back suplex for two is a rare wrestling move for this match. Hernandez can't decide whether he wants to do a headbutt or a spear so he just bowls himself and Morgan over. The non-Mexican women try to climb, and soon so does Anarquia, but Morgan swats the latter off the wall. Hernandez goes up top, but Morgan plucks him out of the air with a (less impactful than usual) Carbon Footprint for the three. We're one out of five on matches being decent so far. Maybe two if I'm generous. Morgan rides the cage to celebrate and hugs some of Cincinnati's finest in the crowd.
Post-match Sarita and Rosita complain that the victory wasn't legitimate because America hates Mexicans. How does it feel about Canadians and other Americans though? Sarita makes the crowd care more than they did throughout the X Division match. Out comes Velvet Sky to attack both women and use some of her... unique offence. Sarita takes off her boots for the beatdown, for some reason.
Christy Interview #5 is with Karen jarrett, apparently in front of a trough. Jeff is Going To Win The Upcoming Match, and she's confident of that.
Video package of this excruciating jarretts/Angle feud. Make it stop. It won't stop, but make it stop.
Match 6: Kurt Angle vs. Jeff jarrett - Ultra Male Rules Match
Reminder: two out of three falls rules. Submission, then pinfall, then escape. Why was this only done once? Ref sends Karen away from ringside to kick off. Jeff is full coward, and so he should be because Angle dominates early. Jeff grabs a boot and tries a Figure Four which I can only describe as "Miz-esque". Ref keeps counting Angle for pins. Even though it's submission only. T-Bone suplex and the first ankle lock attempt of the match. Jeff tries a sleeper (silly, if he wanted to put Angle to sleep he should have shown him Morgan/Hernandez). That running-cameraman shot is back. Angle slips out and attempts the ankle lock again but Jeff gets out and dodges a shoulder charge. This leads to a cross-arm breaker (any chance for Taz to say "jujigatame", I guess), but Angle converts into an ankle lock for fall one (
Angle 1-0 jarrett).
Jeff can barely walk, but he can shove Angle into the cage and hit a sloppy Stroke for two. Top rope crossbody but Angle rolls through. Rope choking! And that same wide shot! Double down and the ref administers a standing ten-count. Does he just not know the rules or what? Angle does his rolling Germans which Jeff counters with a nutshot which the ref didn't notice. Would he have called a DQ had he noticed? In a cage match? I would not be surprised. Stroke attempt countered, Angle Slam, only two. That one camera guy far from the cage is getting the miles in. Jeff shoves Angle off the top but Angle comes right back (stumbling all the way - did they grease the ropes?) and hits a super belly-to-belly, for only two again.
Angle busts out a cutter, which the commentators act like they've never seen before. Jeff puts his hand so full of tights to get the eventual pin, which isn't definitive at all and confuses the crowd for a few seconds until Borash confirms it (
Angle 1-1 jarrett).
Okay, escape fall now. Jeff notices the lock to the cage door still has its key in it, tries to deal with Angle and walk right out, but Angle counters and finally finishes his rolling Germans. Angle's almost escaped but refuses to as he doesn't want to leave Jeff in there. He did this same spot with Anderson last year. Idiot babyface syndrome returns! Angle throws away the key (puts it in his singlet). Jeff bleeds first. They're both on the top rope, Angle tries to climb, but Jeff gets him in the perfect position for a powerbomb. But not the execution because he fucks it up and puts Angle right on his broken freakin' head. They even do a PiP replay of the botch. Angle's fine, though, at least fine enough to pop up and hit a top rope Angle Slam outta nowhere. Brooke Hogan is thrilled.
Angle tries to escape, forgets he locked the door, and somehow managed to lose the key. Time to climb but out comes Gunner wtih a chair to endanger Angle. He can't find an opening, so instead he does his moonsault off the cage! And misses! Again! Out comes Steiner to neutralise Gunner. In the double down, Angle finds the key and can escape like he wanted to earlier... wait no, here comes Karen with a spray. Ref didn't see it. It doesn't matter, it's a cage match! Angle bumps the ref thinking he's Jeff. Jeff's almost made it to the door but Angle drags him in with an ankle lock! Karen passes Jeff a guitar to knock out Angle! Ref bump, guitar shot, win.... wait, no, Jeff celebrates too long and now Karen and Angle are tug-of-warring him. Karen slams the door in Angle's face and Jeff drops out (
Angle 1-2 jarrett). Holy overbooking, Batman!
Speaking of overbooking, it's time for the World Title package! Anderson and RVD feel screwed, Sting is the real top babyface in big 2011, everyone is a bit of a dick, and Hogan and Bischoff are playing them all for fools. That about sums it up.
Match 7: Sting (c) vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson - Steel Cage Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Anderson asks if there are any assholes in the building, which. Yeah, there are. They were the ones sitting on their hands for half the X Division guys, the ones who actually did flips. Anderson kicks off by shit talking both the others and getting wrecked. Sting tries a Scorpion Deathlock early but RVD kicks him down. Time for RVD to do his spots, until Anderson yanks down the rope sending RVD to Concussion City against the cage wall. Right in the enzui. Sting and Anderson both try their finishes, RVD tries to intervene but Sting knocks him down and does a Double Scorpion Deathlock! That's such a cool spot, I hate how much the crowd sucks for it. There's a triple down and the ref administers a standing ten. In a cage match! Are all the refs taking stupid pills today?
Not to be outdone on the double spots, Anderson hits a double Mic Check, goes for two pins each on both guys, but it doesn't work. RVD soon does a Five Star Frog Splash for two. A lot of finishers being eaten tonight, and we're barely five minutes in. Sting hits a Scorpion Death Drop on RVD while Anderson is clotheslining him. Here come the shenanigans as Hogan shows up with a lead pipe! He passes it over to RVD, who teases using it but ultimately throws it away. It falls to Anderson who uses it! Not for Hogan, as he insists, but for himself. All this lets Sting get a Scorpion Death Drop for the win. That cannot have been eight minutes, and that is the World Title match! At least that didn't main. Lethal Lockdown had better pull off the hard carry.
Match 8: Fortune (Kazarian/Robert Roode/James Storm/Christopher Daniels) vs. Immortal (Ric Flair/Bully Ray/Abyss/Matt Hardy) - Lethal Lockdown Match
I can't exactly verbalise why, but the entrances in this match in particular are some of my favourite entrances. Borash helps a lot. The starting pair is Kaz and Abyss, which is an interesting strategy. I'd have Abyss as the anchor myself. This lets Kaz get a little bit of offence but Abyss takes control. Bully Ray on the outside mentions that Kaz has a pretty face
way too much. Kaz does get a bit of shine by dodging a corner charge, which always seems to be the most common Abyss bump. Next Immortal guy is Matt Hardy, and Kaz can face him in singles for a bit while Abyss lies dead on the ground. Fade to Black countered and Matt puts on the Ice Pick while Abyss clobbers Kaz's back.
Second Fortune man in is Daniels, who uses Matt as a ram to batter Abyss with. BME gets BIG elevation. This is why I love him. Kaz and Daniels give us a taste of the incredible championship material to come. Crowd wants Flair, the ungrateful Cincinnati fucks. Thankfully they get him in a black vest, doing what little he can still do. Including a nut shot. Daniels tries his damnedest to fight out but the numbers game is too strong. In comes James Storm, with back crackers for everyone before applying a beer bottle directly into Flair's face. Because if Ric Flair's wrestling, he's got to blade! Storm goes animalistic, biting the wound like a maniac. Flair does a flop then stops selling whatever made him flop and climbs the cage. Literally just so we can do another man-ass spot.
Bully Ray completes Team Immortal, and so we get about two minutes of beatdown. Flair really focuses on abusing Storm, as if he didn't relish the excuse to bleed. Roode is raring to go as he enters. "FORTUNE!" -Roode, with a flying neckbreaker. The disco lights go off as we lower the Roof O'Plunder. The resulting wide shot obscures whatever cool thing Beer Money just did together. We go to a totally unnecessary split screen that somehow makes it less clear what's happened.
Abyss gets tossed through the cage door and Daniels follows him out. Matt Hardy is trying to escape on to the cage roof, but there's no escape here! Angel's Wings teased, but Matt does a back body drop and Daniels is perilously close to the edge... Twist of Fate on the roof! Meanwhile in the cage, Ric Flair has a crimson mask. Matt Hardy
bumps off the cage and the camera
misses it. "Come here, fat boy" -James Storm, to a man who has gotten in way better shape recently. Matt and Abyss are up to their feet, but so is Daniels for a crossbody off the cage!! Roode has a Figure Four on Flair, but Bully comes in with the deadly bin! An extended, bloody kendo stick massacre follows. "This is for AJ"... that's the cue for AJ's music! He starts cleaning up, Meanwhile Flair eats a superkick too hard to even flop, and Roode puts on the armbar for the submission win! Well, that was certainly way better than most of the rest of the card.
Fortune gets a big win, and during the replays we still don't get a proper shot of Matt Hardy's sick messed-up bump. This company. Maybe I shouldn't be mourning its upcoming loss. See you next Impact! (The 2011 ones, not the 2025 ones. Probably.)
