Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #777
Kevin Sullivan vs. Norman the Lunatic
Falls Count Anywhere Match
WCW Clash of the Champions X - February 6, 1990​

Here's what I'm here for - Norman the Lunatic! One of seemingly a million shitty gimmicks played by Mike Shaw, the man behind Bastion Booger and Friar Ferguson. Here in a match against Sullivan, which the hivemind clocks at a rating of 2.00/10. Also, this is the 10th Falls Count Anywhere match I've done in this thread.

Pre-match we get a pointless and inane vignette featuring Norman visiting a zoo and talking to a pig with children around. Jim Cornette accuses him of being a child molester. Sullivan comes in hot, brawling right TO THE OUTSIDE, but Norman reverses a whip to send him into the ring post. They're doing a promotion with Roos shoes, so Norman has one Roo and one wrestling boot. Trip to the Batcave hit, but because he's not a disgusting slob yet that's not the finish. Sullivan goes up top so he can take the Ric Flair throw bump. Norman misses a second rope splash.

Sullivan dropkicks Norman back TO THE OUTSIDE and slams him for two. He starts tearing at the hospital gown to reveal what we'll soon know as the Bastion Booger off-white singlet. Back suplex for two (though I can't really call it a back suplex as Norman gets zero elevation). The ref is, for some reason, counting for rope breaks and chokes, even though it's No DQ. They start walking around the ring while Sullivan bashes Norman's face into things and gouges. The ref keeps counting. It's No DQ. Why is the ref counting?? Norman does lunatic things on the outside.

Back on the inside Sullivan's punching and booting. Norman recovers with a headbutt and chokes Sullivan with the torn white coat. Brawl up the aisle, with a few pin attempts along the way. Walk-and-brawl to the back. Commentary switches to Gordon Solie. Sullivan ducks into the ladies' bathroom and scares a woman out, so the ref and eventually Norman gives chase. There's the sound of a brawl, and then... apparently Norman got the three? At some point? He comes out with a black toilet seat. No idea.

Empty brawl where the finish wasn't even on camera. Shite.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #778
The Undertaker vs. Matt Hardy
WWE SmackDown - September 12, 2002​

For my last trick today, I'm going to look at two matches, both in the same 7-day period in September 2002, when the Hardys were matched up against WWE's main eventers and it didn't go well. This was the first, an encounter that was rated 1.89/10 by the hivemind. Let's see how it holds up.

This was really early V1. Matt's on team Brock Lesnar for the night. A bit of stalling to start while Paul Heyman crops up on the apron. He grabs a chair and passes it in but the ref meets it. Taker does some standard Taker Brawling and turns Matt over with a powerslam. Last Ride teased but Heyman distracts the ref so he sends Heyman to the back. This lets Matt punch Taker right in the American Badballs. Taker lops Matt over with a big boot but Lesnar distracts him. Then Lesnar clotheslines Taker... but ref sees Lesnar roll Taker back in so HE's sent to the back. Hardy gets a bit of token offence and teases a Twist of Fate but Taker counters and clotheslines him. Taker dominating again, and Snake Eyes. Cut to the back where Paul Heyman's stalking Taker's wife Sara, so Taker runs to the back to save her... but it's all a trap for Lesnar to attack Taker. Lesnar then threatens Sara.

No hint of a finish there, by the way. it just ended. Matt Hardy was secondary. A squash that was there for Sports™ Entertainment™, and mostly didn't feature that much wrestling.

 

[Chris]

Seems like a bit of a harsh rating for such a nothing match lmao but the short-lived Sara aspect of the Brock/Taker feud was the absolute worst

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #779
Triple H (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
for the World Heavyweight Championship
WWE Monday Night RAW - September 16, 2002​

Meanwhile over on the red brand, Matt's brother was getting a shot at the big time. And by "big time" I mean "putting over Triple H". Let's see why this one got a poor 2.00/10 rating from the hivemind.

Jeff is a mystery opponent here, apparently. And before HHH finds out who it is, RVD shows up to attack HHH. Oh yeah, RVD was his opponent for Unforgiven, for which this was the go-home. So I guess we're getting HHH fighting from underneath and Jeff dominating, which is some real uncharted territory. Jeff trips on the second rope before hitting a crossbody. Wheel kick hits nothing. HHH gets a boot up on a flying nothing and teases the Pedigree but Jeff hits the nutshot leg drop and a dropkick for two. Jeff goes up top again for the Swanton but HHH rolls out.

TO THE OUTSIDE where Jeff seems to want to springboard off the rail but the positioning's way off so he just stumbles into clotheslining HHH. Jeff again is uneasy on the ropes and does a split-leg moonsault for two. HHH shoves Jeff out again to buy some time, and sends him into the steps. Jeff barely beats the count and goes into a suplex. HHH is up top now but Jeff spikes him with the headscissors. HHH dodges a corner charge and sends Jeff into the ring post, sets him up on the top rope but is elbowed off. Jeff does a moonsault block but completely misses. Twist of Fate, Swanton, but HHH gets his foot on the rope. Then HHH puts on a SLEEPER (because this is the month or so in 2002 when HHH was trying to get a sleeper over as a finish in 2002) to win it. RVD attacks him again though.

Yeah that really was not good. Jeff Hardy was so badly off the pace I worried that he might have showed up high to this match.

 

[Chris]

Might very well be when the Jeff push stopped

 

[Skyefire]

I used to own WWE's Best of Clash of Champions DVD which included the Cactus Jack vs Mil Mascaras match and I think it included the Battle Royal (unless there was another Battle Royal on a COC around the same time). With Cactus vs Mascaras I was excited to see it the first time since I had never seen Mil Mascaras before but I remember being disappointed by the match. The thing I remember about the Battle Royal was that was the first time I had ever seen PN News. I had heard the name before but had no idea who he was and when I first saw him in the Battle Royal (not even knowing it was News, I didn't know who it was) I was like "Who the f-ck is that?" He looked ridiculous. A fat white guy in neon yellow tights that said "Yo Baby Yo". I'm not sure who thought that was a good idea.