Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Death By Looch]

I will for the rest of my days argue that even if that fast count fuck up wouldn't have happened, that the match was still doomed with how it's laid out and the original finish in place. You have an 18 month long build-up leading to the biggest PPV you ever had. You overtook your competition with one of the hottest angles there ever was. ...and it all ends with the guy at the center of it all doesn't really wanna do the business he should've done.

And I don't even mean that Hogan was supposedly in Patrick's ear. The match itself was garbage. With that build-up and with how the NWO story went, Hogan fuckin' knew Sting should've gone over without any shadow of a doubt whatsoever and even if Sting wasn't in his best shape, this Match should've been Sting kicking Hogan's ass for 10 minutes straight and winning it decisively... but no, ego got in the way of doing business the right way and I do agree, that this was the first really big red flag something's going very wrong in the company.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #801
Larry Zbyszko vs. Eric Bischoff
for Control of WCW Monday Nitro
WCW Starrcade - December 28, 1997​

And before we get to the last of Bagwell/Luger, there was another low-scorer on this show! 1.50/10 says the hivemind, for this match featuring a retired wrestler and a non-wrestler. I'd like to remind you that Harlem Heat were sitting in the crowd, not doing anything. Bret Hart is special ref for this match, and an additional stipulation for this is that if Larry Z wins he gets a match vs. Scott Hall at Souled Out. Oh yeah, we've see that match before! Anyway, let's watch this.

The aforementioned Hall is accompanying Bisch to the ring. Shenanigans ahead! Bret's being super legit about this, patting both guys down. Bisch is cosplaying like he's in UFC. Crowd is HUGE for Larry. We get a real shoot-style feeling out until Bisch brushes Larry's forehead with the very tip of his finger and celebrates like he's won. And again. I like how he's basically doing an imitation of a different style fight, and Tenay's talking about the History of MMA. Bisch rolls out to get some advice from Hall. Larry gets some slaps in and Bisch puts on his surprised Pikachu face. Bisch gets a spin kick that gets Larry Z on his knee, but while he's celebrating Larry gets a bunch of body blows and rubs his face in the mat. Bret admonishes Larry for this.

Now we enter the phase of "Bret Hart being harsh to Larry Z as ref, leading to speculation that he is nWo". A sleeper? Illegal choke, says Bret. A headscissors submission? Illegal choke again! Bisch has no idea how to take a scoop slam. Reverse Figure Four but Bisch gets to the rope. TO THE OUTSIDE as Bisch is limping, but Larry sends him into the post. Bret gets at him for that. And then for a shove into the steps. Tony calls Bret Hart a tweener and says maybe he's not any more. God I hate wrestling lingo in WCW.

Bret forces a clean break in the corner which allows Bisch to lop Larry down with a kick. Now Bisch is punching and kicking away, and despite Larry being against the ropes Bret has no complaints. Larry is covered up in the corner as Bisch pounds away... but Bisch tires himself out and now time for Larry Z to make his comeback! He gets some hits and a suplex for two. Bisch is in the Tree of Woe but Hall pulls out a steel plate to apply to Bisch's boot. Bisch downs him with it, and the plate flies off. Bret's getting $7.5m from Bisch... but he noticed the plate as he punches out Bischoff! He punches out Hall! Hall takes a Sharpshooter and Larry chokes Bisch out. When the dust settles, Larry's declared the DQ winner.

Fuck it. Green match. Sue me. I enjoyed it. Bisch playing karate guy but just being his weaselly self. The Bret bought ref teases went just long enough in my opinion. Actual logical finish, despite what so many angry reviewers might say about it being a random clusterfuck. This worked.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #802
Lex Luger vs. Buff Bagwell
WCW Monday Nitro - December 29, 1997​

Okay, one last Bagwell/Luger. It's not escaped my notice that they built to a Bagwell/Luger match at Starrcade... with a bunch of Bagwell/Luger matches on free TV. And then when the Bagwell/Luger match they built to was lame, they're like, OKAY! Clearly there's appetite for another Bagwell/Luger match, let's give them another! On FREE TV! This company. Pre-match Bagwell cuts a rhyming promo about how much Luger sucks for continuing to lose.

Bagwell is going for maximum cowardice, letting Luger chase him. Scott Norton grabs the leg allowing Bagwell to get the edge. He stomps away, then tosses Luger out for Norton to get some more offence in. Back in the ring... grounded choke, then ROPE CHOKING! Bagwell's offence is so basic, so dull. Neckbreaker for two. Bagwell tosses Luger out again so Norton can give him a shitty ripcord clothesline. Buff goes to the second rope for a senton bomb but Luger gets up and does his comeback sequence. He knocks out Norton before finally giving Bagwell the Torture Rack for the win. Why couldn't that have happened on the PPV?

Still, it's Bagwell and Luger, which means it's never good.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #803
Chris Candido vs. Crowbar vs. Juventud Guerrera vs. Lash LeRoux vs. Shannon Moore vs. The Artist
Suicide Six-Man Match for the vacant WCW Cruiserweight Championship
WCW Spring Stampede - April 16, 2000​

You thought I was done for today? Or with Bagwell and Luger? No, because there are two low-scorer matches on this Spring Stampede 2000 show, and one of them features those two. That's next match, but for now, let's look at how far the cruiserweight division has fallen. This match was made by the infamous WCW reboot, when the title reign of the Artist Formerly Known As And Soon To Be Known Once Again As Prince Iaukea was stripped along with every other belt in the company. 1.53/10 says the hivemind - are they right?

Shannon Moore and Shane Helms try to cut a promo but it's interrupted by everyone just rushing in and the bell just rings. Iaukea tries to get a pin on Crowbar despite him white-knuckling the ropes. Structure's out of the damn window right away until Candido clears everyone off and tries pinning Moore, but Crowbar makes the save. Now it's Crowbar/Candido, and Crowbar gets two-counts with a Northern Lights suplex and a slingshot leg drop. LeRoux in now and Crowbar starts bumping for nothing. LeRoux hits Whiplash for two. Juvi shows up, LeRoux tries Whiplash but eats a Juvi Driver. Iaukea breaks up the pin, and gets a bulldog for his troubles. Candido gets suplexed by LeRoux and does the Curly Howard spinny floor thing.



Meanwhile in the ring it's Crowbar/Juvi. Daffney goes up to the top rope with the Frankenscreamer - she hits Crowbar by mistake! But then Juvi sells a scream by Daffney. That's how Mark Madden called it by the way. He said "Juvi sold the scream". Ugh. Juvi Driver attempt by Daffney but Crowbar saves her. LeRoux dropkicks Juvi into Daffney, then dives onto both... Iaukea dives... Juvi dives... Helms tosses Moore out... David Flair chops out Helms. It's now Iaukea vs. Candido and they're on the top but Candido pushes Iaukea off. He goes for the Suicide Blond headbutt but misses. Iaukea does a backbreaker rack drop and goes up top. He tells Paisley to put in a chair but who should show up but TAMMY LYNN SYTCH to shove him off. This wins it for Candido. Paisley/Tammy cat fight to close the segment off.

That was a complete clusterfuck, full of so much that it felt empty, and bereft of structure. Also it seemed like anyone could interfere whenever they wanted. Maybe it was New York Rules!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #804
Team Package vs. Shane Douglas/Buff Bagwell
Tournament Final Match for the vacant WCW World Tag Team Championship
WCW Spring Stampede - April 16, 2000​

Finally it's over. This is dragging like hell. The Tag Titles were one of the many titles that got vacated because Bischoff and Russo got together and decided continuity was stupid. And the tournament for the belts concludes here. We've got Team Package - that being Ric Flair and Lex Luger - vs. Flair's natural enemy, Shane Douglas, and Luger's natural enemy... ugh, Buff Bagwell. Let's try not to harm ourselves.

Both teams have separate entrances and Flair is in street clothes. And as if this lineup weren't dreadful enough, Vince Russo comes on commentary and spoils the winner. Bagwell offers a handshake but Luger attacks. Bagwell gets a foot up and begins his attack, but then stops to do his special dance without realising Luger is right behind him. Then Luger does the dance. Metal arm, powerslam, but Bagwell interrupts with an eye rake. In comes Douglas with turnbuckle bashes and a GROUNDED CHOKE! Luger fights back and gets a gorilla press slam, then Flair drags Douglas out to chop away at him. Flair then comes in with no tag but gets eye-poked by Douglas. On to Bagwell who gives some low-impact looking offence.

Douglas comes in but the ref missed the tag. He eventually trusts Bagwell that it happened though. Flair's getting beaten up. CORNER CHOKING by Douglas, acting like he's Stacy Keibler. Commentary talks about the relaxed rules which was always just an excuse for the wrestlers to wrestle as little as possible. Flair and Douglas scrapping, and a clash of heads causes a double down. Flair does his Flair bump in the corner. "FUCK YOU FLAIR" -Douglas. Luger gets a shot from the outside. Hot tags and Luger gives forearms to everyone. Figure Four by Flair but Russo comes off commentary to grab the bat. Douglas holds Flair back for the Blockbuster but You Know This Spot. Russo pulls the ref out before the three and the two have a shoving match. Out come KroniK, making their team debut, to give High Times to Luger. Russo pulls the ref shirt over his neck and counts the three.

Seven minutes of dull nothing and a minute of overbooking. Vince Russo.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #805
Kevin Sullivan vs. The Man With No Name
WCW Slamboree - May 21, 1995​

Today we're looking at Ed Leslie, particularly his time in WCW. He spent a lot of time in the company, all of it with shitty gimmicks, and all of it hovering around Hulk Hogan like a bad smell. This is one of several mistakes of matches that he took part in. After being the Butcher, he lost all his memory, and rather than going off to be a sailor, he perversely continued to wrestle, without a name. And hence this affair with his ex-boyfriend Kevin Sullivan, who wants him back. 1.76/10 says the hivemind. They're probably right, but how right are they?

Leslie goes right in punching out Sullivan and sends him TO THE OUTSIDE with a high knee. I've seen BOTO and ground choking, but never have I seen ground choking during BOTO before today. They get back in the ring and Leslie does mounted punches and a babyface eye rake. After what is only describable as Just Some Stuff Leslie puts on the deadly sleeper. Sullivan drops out and I'm not sure what it was meant to be hurting but Leslie sells it. Back outside for further BOTO. Leslie no-sells some chops. Back in, he has his man cornered but Sullivan fights out until Leslie no-sells again. Jumping HEAD CHOP gets two. This is absolutely bereft already.

Leslie hits a piledriver for two. Sullivan recovers by going for the eyes and soon sends him to the outside again! You know two wrestlers have no ideas left when they go to the outside for the sake of one bash against the furniture. Back in the ring they bodge a clothesline spot before Leslie misses a corner splash. Tree of Woe knee by Sullivan, and a double stomp finishes it. Post-match an old man in crusty face paint comes up on the screen and hams it up, telling Sullivan to join him. This, kids, is the Master, and this is the angle that kicks of the Dungeon of Doom! History in the making right here.

Somehow that angle was more interesting than the absolutely empty match that preceded it. Horrid excuse for action, with some noticeable inaccuracy and a flat finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #806
The Hulkamaniacs vs. The Dungeon of Doom
WarGames
WCW Fall Brawl - September 17, 1995​

This isn't one of the low-scorers (at a relatively strong 2.69/10) but I would be insane if I did an Ed Leslie retrospective and didn't look back at the Zodiac. And since I've already done his only singles PPV match against Savage, let's do this instead. Considered the worst WarGames in history until 1998 and then 2000 happened, this is still the worst "traditional" WarGames in history (that is, the ones where there were teams and staggered entry and you could actually win by submission). Hogan's brought together Randy Savage, Sting, and Vader Lex Luger, to face off against the Doomy Boys of Zodiac, Kamala, Meng, and the Shark. Special stipulation is that if Hogan wins he gets 5 minutes in the cages with Kevin Sullivan. Let's go.

The Hulkamaniacs come out in camo paint except for Jimmy Hart, who won't go without his American flag trousers. We kick off with Sting vs. Shark (billed at 506 lbs, for the record). Shark overpowers Sting right away with forearms and chops and a BIG WALK. And biting! Because that's what sharks do! Sting dodges a corner charge and teases a Stinger Splash but Shark drifts into the other ring. So Sting does a dive over the ropes to the other ring. Sting slams the 506-pound Shark and breaks his back, so Shark just falls on him when he tries it again.

The bearhug (because it's the 70s in Hogan's mind) makes perfect sense, but that doesn't make it any less of a nothing move. Sting escapes by clapping the ears but gets clobbered. Shark tries the dive over the ropes but gets stucked and Sting kicks away. Sting tries a splash but gets caught and slammed... but as Shark's stepping over the ropes Sting crotches him. Sting eventually sweeps the legs and sets up the Scorpion Deathlock to do just a little damage before the Dungeon's next member comes in...

...and it's Zodiac! He goes after Sting but Sting kicks him while dangling from the cage roof. Scorpion Deathlock for Zodiac but Shark's recovered and gets him with an elbow. Leg drop by Shark, and then the two of them do some Stuff. Sting eventually recovers and hits a double clothesline, which Zodiac sells but Shark doesn't. Sting's getting murdered until Savage comes in for the save. He clobbers, and puts a Boston crab on Zodiac until Shark beats him away. The Dungeon guys are grabbing Sting's arm on the outside so he can't do anything. What's the point of a cage if you can reach under it? However, Sting does eventually recover and stop the neverending Zodiac choke. Now Kamala grabs Savage's leg from the outside. I guess, don't bother with the cage anymore, right?

Third Dungeonista is Kamala who starts clubbing Sting with forearms and using CHOKES! Atomic drop by Shark to Savage. This is dragging a lot, because none of these guys is good on offence. Somehow out-of-shape, broken-down John Tenta is the best worker in the Dungeon right now just by virtue of not being Ed Leslie or Kamala. Now Luger shows up, clotheslining Zodiac before taking on the two superheavyweights at the same time. Savage tries his double axe handle in a match with a ridiculously low cage roof. Reminds me of a spot I saw in a local indie where a guy tried to do a high spot on a low roof and got stuck. That was superb. Zodiac does get a bit of offence on Luger but for now it's all babyfaces... until Luger hits Savage by mistake and they're scrapping!

Meng completes the Dungeon team and takes full advantage of the disunity in the face team. Kamala goes for a shirt choke on Luger. Meng at least doesn't have the quality of everything he touches turning to shit, but it's still quite a drag. He does the Tongan Death Grip on Luger and then a big kick. Crowd's all in with the countdown because that means Hogan gets in! The Match Beyond! Hogan's tossing powder around like a true babyface. He's beating all the heels by himself, and puts Zodiac against the ropes and treats him like one of those bouncing-back punching bags. Just by the presence of Hogan, the faces are suddenly on top. He does his babyface move set (back raking, eye raking...).

Sting and Meng do a high spot that the camera misses. Hogan and Luger get together to toss Zodiac into the cage and everyone's together to deal with Shark and Meng together. With Kamala distracted with Sting, Hogan puts a camel clutch on Zodiac and he gives up. Or did he? He said both "yes" and "no", so... Now it's time for Hogan to get Kevin Sullivan alone, and it takes a full escort to bring him in. It's a standard beatdown with a lot of cage bashing, and a bit of wrist tape choking on top of that. We're about to get a leg drop but out comes the Goddamn Giant who tosses the ref, opens the cage, and attacks Hogan. Who no-sells, instantly. FUCKING AMAZING, he's the next new guy and Hogan immediately buries him. Giant does one of those hokey neck snaps on Hogan but the faces make the save and chase him off.

Yeah that absolutely was not a WarGames. Most of it was heat segment for a bunch of guys that bore me to tears, then HoganWinsLOL.

 

[Chris]

I love that match lmao it was the funniest WarGames ever. 1998 had a chance but it was more sad than anything

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #807
Arn Anderson vs. The Booty Man
WCW Monday Nitro - March 18, 1996​

Ed Leslie would eventually reveal the Zodiac persona was just a ruse, to become a mole for the Dungeon, and he'd been loyal to Hogan all along. Of course - Zodiac was too stupid to be real. He changed his character to the Booty Man, a man obsessed with arses, particularly his own. In this capacity, he stole the Diamond Doll, renamed her to the Booty Babe, and officially made the high knee (heinie) his finisher. Better than a sleeper, at least. The match I've really been dreading is on the PPV after this, but here's him vs. Arn on Nitro. Arn had recently scored a pin over Hulk fucking Hogan at his most egotistical and overpowered, so surely the Booty Man should be just another day at the office, right? 2.00/10 according to the hivemind.

We kick off with a Booty Man headlock. OVW Rope Running Thing but Booty Man stops in his tracks and struts. So much stalling. Arn misses a corner charge, manages to stop before colliding with the corner, but Booty hits him anyway and bashes him into the turnbuckle. This knocks him silly and we go TO THE OUTSIDE for just one shot. Arn charges Booty in a corner but Booty counters and attacks him, kicking him in the back. Arn rolls out again and bashes Booty's back into the apron... and he sells his front. ROPE CHOKING! And then Arn starts attacking the back, and Booty does the "stumble away" type of selling that isn't selling at all.

Arn slams Booty and goes up for a double axe handle but Booty recovers and counters. Slam, a bit of confusion when Booty forgets what move he's doing, back body drop... out comes the Booty Babe to counter an interference attempt by the late, great Woman. Booty rolls out to mediate the argument, Arn follows and attacks. As Arn returns to the ring he walks into a high knee for the pin. So Booty Man >> Hogan? I guess?

TV match with a guy who has no idea how to work. Fuck off Ed Leslie. Please.

 

[Death By Looch]

TV match with a guy who has no idea how to work. Fuck off Ed Leslie. Please.

Pleading doesn't work... he'd just come back with a different gimmick.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #808
The Booty Man vs. Diamond Dallas Page
Kimberly vs. Career Match
WCW Uncensored - March 24, 1996​

I was really dreading this one in particular. Because not only is it Ed Leslie, it's really, really long. DDP's had everything taken from him... by Marc Mero, who's jumped ship to the WWF. So instead they pivoted the story to involve the fucking Booty Man. God help us all. If DDP wins he gets his money and Diamond Doll back; if not, he leaves wrestling. 1.47/10 says the hivemind. Wrestling might not be fun.

Before bum-ass Corbin, there was bum-ass DDP. It's not a bad look for him. He starts off by rolling out and wandering. Booty riles up the crowd but DDP rolls out again, arguing with a fan. They both try getting pops. It's so weird how over Booty is. He shakes that thang for DDP. They finally make contact, DDP works the arm but Booty counters it. DDP goes to the ropes for a break, and argues with the fans again. Booty works a headlock and comes off the ropes with a shoulderblock, and DDP's on the outside AGAIN! Which is worse: Ed Leslie wrestling or Ed Leslie not wrestling? I'm not sure anymore.

DDP has Booty in the corner and misses a punch, getting decked. Now Booty's working the arm. Sort of. It's mainly DDP getting into position so Booty looks like he can work a body part. DDP recovers, whips Booty, but Booty stops at the ropes and struts. He shakes it at DDP, who misses another corner charge and gets bumped to the outside. He absolutely full asses that bump. He argues with the ref... and the REF shoves DDP to the outside! DDP says fuck this and wanders up the aisle... but Booty follows him. Walk-and-brawl back to ringside.

DDP gets a bit of edge by dragging Booty penis-first into the turnbuckle. He then immediately loses it when Booty counters a turnbuckle bash and gives DDP some of his own. DDP stumbles through the ropes and once again bumps to the floor. And stumbles into the ring post, and falls back into the crowd. Down comes the Booty Babe, with a new Booty Man-inspired gear. DDP's selling hard for Booty's useless stand-up brawling. He eventually gets a headlock off in the ring, finally able to avoid being countered by Booty. They do a combo of a criss-cross and an OVW thing, and DDP imitates Booty's strut. Then gets punched and hung in the ropes. DDP is working his ass off here.

DDP... just randomly drops down and lets Booty pin him for two. They then rerun the spot, and reveal what the botch was - Booty was meant to try a crossbody but miss. Ed Leslie is just so fucking useless. DDP gives Booty a GROUNDED CHOKE and gets two. Back suplex by DDP, and goes to Kimberly rather than go for the pin and only gets two. Headlock to let Booty recover, arm-drop routine but Booty's livin'. "So cuuuute" says Kimberly as Booty gets kneed in the gut for two. DDP argues with the ref who shoves him again! Am I the only one who wants to see DDP vs. Ref now? DDP tries to put his feet on the ropes to improve a... chinlock?? Which squeezes an unearned two and a half minutes out of this match. Flapjack on to the ropes by DDP. He engages Kimberly and forces a kiss on her, gets slapped, and turns into a high knee. Booty wins, DDP's gone.

DDP really tried his hardest on this one, but there's no way you make 16 minutes with one of the most unwatchable wrestlers of all time work.

 

[Chris]

I remember that being about 12 minutes of headlocks so your write up actually makes it sound better

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #809
Madusa vs. Col. Robert Parker
WCW Uncensored - March 24, 1996​

There's two more turds in the Uncensored punchbowl, and they're relatively short, so let's cover them. And first is yet another example of the "misogynist has to wrestle a woman" angle that WCW just kept doing. This isn't even the last time they'd do it with Madusa!

As soon as I see Parker, fanning himself with a handkerchief, I think - why are so many rich bigoted Southerners depicted wearing white suits and hats and sweating all the time? I check, and as it turns out, there's a TV Tropes page for that. Then I remind myself to get back to the match and not get distracted. Lock-up and Parker does a corner choke. Dusty Rhodes is absolutely giddy that this is happening. Madusa manages to shove and toss Parker. AIRPLANE SPIN by Parker and Madusa goes into a sunset flip for two. Madusa slams the 196-pound giant and Parker rolls out. He tries to head to the back but Dick Slater gives him support. Back in, CHOKEBOMB by Parker. (Somewhere, the Great Khali watches and learns.) He misses an elbow, eats two dropkicks, and a crossbody to the outside. It looks almost like Parker caught her into a Flatliner, but the way they're selling means it's just a botch. German suplex by Madusa... Slater sweeps away Madusa's leg and Parker gets on top of her for the win.

Not awful, considering the non-wrestler presence, but for that one really bad botch.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #810
The Giant vs. Loch Ness
WCW World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender's Match
WCW Uncensored - March 24, 1996​

This matchup is so cursed. Giant Haystacks, legendary big man on the British scene, showing up in WCW for five minutes, feuding with the Giant, and then leaving. And to think he's one match away from a World Title shot here!

Staredown between big lads. Giant gets the early offence which mostly goes unsold and does a boot choke in the corner. Loch Ness does some typical shit brawling (mostly forearm clubs) and turnbuckle bashing, until Giant counters and does some of his own. He goes for a corner charge but Loch Ness dodges and OH FUCK he actually does a full-on Slaughter bump to the floor. How did that not kill him? (Come to think of it, he did fall off a building and survive...) Loch Ness does an elbow drop, tries a second, but Giant dodges. He kicks Loch Ness down and wins off a leg drop (gotta further the Hogan feud somehow!) to near-silence.

Yeah that fucking sucked. Green vs. Immobile.

 

[Chris]

Had that down as my worst match of all time when I first saw it around age 13 or so