Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Grimoire Lenin]

Entry #809
Madusa vs. Col. Robert Parker
WCW Uncensored - March 24, 1996​

There's two more turds in the Uncensored punchbowl, and they're relatively short, so let's cover them. And first is yet another example of the "misogynist has to wrestle a woman" angle that WCW just kept doing. This isn't even the last time they'd do it with Madusa!

As soon as I see Parker, fanning himself with a handkerchief, I think - why are so many rich bigoted Southerners depicted wearing white suits and hats and sweating all the time? I check, and as it turns out, there's a TV Tropes page for that. Then I remind myself to get back to the match and not get distracted. Lock-up and Parker does a corner choke. Dusty Rhodes is absolutely giddy that this is happening. Madusa manages to shove and toss Parker. AIRPLANE SPIN by Parker and Madusa goes into a sunset flip for two. Madusa slams the 196-pound giant and Parker rolls out. He tries to head to the back but Dick Slater gives him support. Back in, CHOKEBOMB by Parker. (Somewhere, the Great Khali watches and learns.) He misses an elbow, eats two dropkicks, and a crossbody to the outside. It looks almost like Parker caught her into a Flatliner, but the way they're selling means it's just a botch. German suplex by Madusa... Slater sweeps away Madusa's leg and Parker gets on top of her for the win.

Not awful, considering the non-wrestler presence, but for that one really bad botch.

Who was the non wrestler in this match cuz Robert Fuller had been a wrestler for decades before this, and Madusa was a decent talent for the time, imo.

 

[Chris]

Dick Slater IMO

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #811
Hollywood Hogan vs. The Disciple
WCW Thunder - April 1, 1999​

We conclude our Beefcake-a-thon with a look at his last WCW persona - The Disciple! He'd grown facial hair and was a biker now, but still just hung around Hulk Hogan. Which led to this match!

Disciple doesn't even have music. Hogan coming out in the red and black to the Wolfpac music will never not feel wrong. Hogan shoves Disciple off him a couple of times. Disciple rakes and takes Hogan to the corners. Hogan gets Disciple cornered with a clothesline and starts attacking him there. Slam and elbow for a one-count. He takes off the weight belt but Disciple steals it and whips away. TO THE OUTSIDE for good old-fashioned BOTO and abuse of the belt. Ref isn't even administering a count of ten because WCW has abandoned wrestling. Disciple uses a grounded choke because he never was with wrestling. Hogan gets up and does a non-clothesline for two.

Stand-up brawl and a back suplex for two. Hogan goes for a roll-up but Disciple grabs the rope. Disciple gets a vertical suplex for two, and of course Hogan gets right up. He stamps Disciple's head which confuses him so much he begs for mercy to a turnbuckle. Disciple gets some throat thrusts and a Russian legsweep... but Hulk-up time! Big boot, gonna be a leg drop, but Ric Flair trips Hogan. Disciple hits the Apocalypse (a worse Stunner)... but Hogan gets up and Hulks up again! To prevent the pin President Flair runs in, calls for a DQ, and bumps the ref. The two of them fight and Flair sells Hogan's POINT more than Hogan sells any of Flair's stuff. All the Horsemen run in but Hogan solos them. This is why I hate this guy.

I want to share one last fact with you - later this month, on a Championship Wrestling of Pennsylvania show, the Disciple wrestled CHAINZ! The battle of two guys shoved unnaturally into biker gimmicks. Shame that hasn't been filmed, right?

 

[Death By Looch]

Entry #809
Madusa vs. Col. Robert Parker
WCW Uncensored - March 24, 1996​

There's two more turds in the Uncensored punchbowl, and they're relatively short, so let's cover them. And first is yet another example of the "misogynist has to wrestle a woman" angle that WCW just kept doing. This isn't even the last time they'd do it with Madusa!

As soon as I see Parker, fanning himself with a handkerchief, I think - why are so many rich bigoted Southerners depicted wearing white suits and hats and sweating all the time? I check, and as it turns out, there's a TV Tropes page for that. Then I remind myself to get back to the match and not get distracted. Lock-up and Parker does a corner choke. Dusty Rhodes is absolutely giddy that this is happening. Madusa manages to shove and toss Parker. AIRPLANE SPIN by Parker and Madusa goes into a sunset flip for two. Madusa slams the 196-pound giant and Parker rolls out. He tries to head to the back but Dick Slater gives him support. Back in, CHOKEBOMB by Parker. (Somewhere, the Great Khali watches and learns.) He misses an elbow, eats two dropkicks, and a crossbody to the outside. It looks almost like Parker caught her into a Flatliner, but the way they're selling means it's just a botch. German suplex by Madusa... Slater sweeps away Madusa's leg and Parker gets on top of her for the win.

Not awful, considering the non-wrestler presence, but for that one really bad botch.

Jenna Morasca took the finish of this match as the inspiration for her own "crotch-to-face" pin version.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #812
Marti Belle vs. Rachel Evers
Mae Young Classic 2017 First Round Match
WWE The Mae Young Classic - August 28, 2017​

I'm so fucking tired of WCW now. I need to go through a bunch of non-WCW to restore my sanity. Ah, here we go. The match from the Mae Young Classic that nobody liked. Rachael Ellering (under her WWE-approved "non-related" name) takes on Marti Belle. 1.40/10 says the hivemind, are they right?

Marti wants time to warm up before Rachel can engage, and the ref complies. Lock-up goes to the corner. Rachel has a significant support section. Both women try headlocks. Marti puts a knee in to stop Rachel in her tracks, though the distance between Rachel and Marti's knee is noticeable even from this angle. Marti does some sort of underhook suplex (I can't tell what it was meant to be, it was that sloppy) for two. Belly-to-back but Rachel doesn't go down and just dumps Marti. Big boot by Rachel gets a 1-2 (sweeeeeet. Wow that chant is obnoxious). Rachel does some sort of trip to get Marti into the corner for a springboard turning leg drop. Only gets 1 because of the ropes. Marti rolls out, Rachel tries to drag her back in head-first but Marti snaps her neck over the rope.

Neckbreaker by Marti for only a one-count. Marti takes some shots and Rachel's selling doesn't feel believable. Lariat for two. Rachel blocks a turnbuckle bash and then it feels like both women are just standing around until Rachel makes her comeback. Rachel then... drops right to the mat, seemingly for no reason. Marti didn't dodge anything. JR tries to sell it as a scissors kick. Then they do the spot again as a running senton, making it clear there was some mispositioning. Rachel does a "modified" (JR-ese translation: really fucking awful looking) spinebuster for two. She then seems to be going for a fisherman's... something, but just drops Marti down and splays her out. Words fail me. Marti hits a variation of the Stroke (a variation because it didn't look great) for two. Rachel gets a sudden small package for the win.

Really awkward, botchy, mistimed, zero chemistry match. How did WWE view this and decide Rachel was the one they'd pick up? On this evidence, she should have been laughed out of the building.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #813
Enzo Amore vs. Big Cass
WWE Great Balls of Fire - July 9, 2017​

Today's theme - well, its first theme, because this one is fairly short - is "Solo Enzo Amore". The realest guy in the room split from Big Cass, because teams must split in Vince McMahon's WWE, and this is their blowoff match against each other. At Eat Balls. Wonder why they never did this show name again? 1.76/10 according to the hivemind. Let's test that claim.

Enzo of course grabs a mic and leads the crowd in his catchphrase before... cutting an overly long promo on Cass that kills the crowd that was previously hot for him. Yikes. He wins them back eventually though. Cass gets in the way of his own graphic so it says "BIG ASS". Enzo tries to charge and to jab but Cass is just too big and tosses him to the mat. Cass does what appears to be a variant of the crossface chickenwing. Fallaway slam. Enzo has gotten nothing. Cass is about to miss a corner splash so he just... stops. Enzo gets some kicks off but Cass just keeps bullying him. Cass drapes Enzo in the corner and whacks him in the back.

Cass is acting like this is a 2020 empty PC match with all the trash talking. He gives Enzo a full on gorilla press slam to the outside and Enzo is just dead out there. Enzo beats the count by about a microsecond but he can't get on his feet properly. Big boot finishes it for Cass. Did anyone compare this guy to Test at the time? It wouldn't exactly be an invalid comparison.

Pure squash that went a bit long for a squash.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #814
Neville (c) vs. Enzo Amore
for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
WWE No Mercy - September 24, 2017​

Not long after that, Enzo was bumped to 205 Live until he fixed his attitude. Unfortunately, being pretty much the only guy on 205 Live who had a clearly defined character, he was shoved into the title picture in short order, which can't have helped fixing his attitude. He's up this time against Neville, who is so done with the company by this point, and this is probably one of the reasons. Let's watch this match that the quivering mass of opinions they call Cagematch gave a shocking 1.16/10.

Champ out first and being a grumpy Newcastle bastard because he's a heel. Enzo is out in ref stripes for some reason. He promos on Neville calling him if Gollum and Frodo had a baby, and implies he's going to fuck the purple title belt. He's just a catchphrase machine. Neville shoves Enzo into the ropes and tosses him about. I'm worried that it's gotten to the stage that I have no way to describe decent wrestling given that I've seen so much bad wrestling. Neville works the arm and then when Enzo reaches for the ropes he just lets go. THE DISRESPECT! He works Enzo to the mat again and then mistreats that arm again. This time Enzo gets a right to reach the ropes, but gets tripped (landing right on his damn neck) and rolled out.

Enzo scraps with Neville to get into the ring. He gets a boot up in the corner and looks for a flying DDT but Neville catches him and murders him some more in the corner. Neville just stares Enzo down before slide kicking him TO THE OUTSIDE! Enzo goes full body first into the barricade, and beats the count by a microsecond like he did last match. Neville's perched up top but does nothing with it, instead going for a chinlock."No one cares, Enzo!" -Neville, presciently. He sends Enzo out but he skins the cat to stay in. Big superkick downs Enzo but the delayed pin means Neville only gets two. Big "boring" chants from the crowd. I mean... yeah.

Neville waits for Enzo to get back on his feet and then kicks him again and again to send him down. He goes up top, teases the Red Arrow... but goes to the middle rope for a Phoenix Splash instead, and Enzo rolls away. Now we get the flying DDT for two. Neville heads to the outside again and Enzo tries to dive to follow him but an enzuigiri cuts him off. He tosses Enzo into the timekeeper's area to try and incite a count-out. Enzo's grabbed the belt and Neville's ANGRY at that. He's threatening to use it but gives it to the ref... and KICKS NEVILLE IN THE GREGGS BEEF PASTY while the ref's putting it back! New champ!

Honestly? Kind of dug the finish. It was sort of a heel turn for Enzo, which would be cemented later... but the rest of the match was lame. A few decent spots but so much of it just dragged as a result of Neville both being checked out and having to play the "heel who doesn't respect his opponent" role and stall. Nowhere near as awful as some of the turds I've seen, but still a dull ass match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #815
Kalisto (c) vs. Enzo Amore
for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders, and Chairs - October 22, 2017​

So yeah, Enzo is now not a fan favourite but a weasely heel. And he lost the belt to 205 Live newcomer Kalisto in a match on TV. Now he's trying to win it back. This isn't actually one of the low scorers, I just wanted to show you the other bad Enzo PPV match.

The crowd still eats up Enzo's catchphrases despite him being a heel. His voice is fucked up which is surely a good thing. Kalisto is clearly pacey but the first thing he does is use a headlock and get back elbowed by Enzo. OVW Thing, Enzo stops short of Kalisto's kick and does his weird strut. Enzo lets Kalisto chase him and tries to catch him with an elbow drop but Kalisto avoids it. Kalisto gets a headscissors and then a bunch of kicks. He then does the strut to mock Enzo, and matadors him outside to take a TOPE SUICIDA. "Kalisto killed Harambe" sign??? When Kalisto's trying to bring Enzo back into the ring, he gets into it with the ref and Enzo trips him.

Enzo does a fairly unique move, transitioning that one yank-out-of-the-corner spot into what appears to be an elbow for two. Now he's got control, trying a submission but deciding to not bother and just going for a punt. Up top, does the Lucha Lucha taunt... and then just drops down. This lets Kalisto sweep the legs. Enzo gets a boot up in the corner and just shoves his foe down. A big right for two and we get what Nigel McGuinness calls a "brutal rear chinlock". Yes, brutal. Just like all of Enzo's offence, brutal to watch. Fucking hell. He thwarts an escape attempt by going for the mask. Kalisto manages to sort of toss him off with what looks like an armdrag motion but Enzo has no idea what to do with it.

Kalisto's on the apron and does the springboard sitout splash, failing to beat the "booked as the next Rey Mysterio" allegations. Headscissors takedown but Enzo gets his foot on the rope. Enzo snaps Kalisto into the buckle neck-first and hits his flying DDT for two. He seems to be setting up an Eat Defeat (I don't know what Enzo called his version and I don't care) but Kalisto pushes him off. Salida del Sol teased but Enzo escapes. He's grabbing the apron, and when the ref pulls it back Enzo pokes the eyes. Enzo gets the win with his finish which I don't even care about the name of.

How do you make a Kalisto match boring? An Enzo masterclass.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #816
Triple H vs. Curtis Axel
WWE Monday Night RAW - May 20, 2013​

Now that's done with, let's do some random stuff that I still need to look at. Ah, yes. This match. Triple H having to make the newest Paul Heyman guy look good rather than aggressively mid. 2.00/10 says the hivemind.

HHH still doing the identical entrance to 2002 despite being old is sad, He's not medically cleared after a PPV match last night according to Cole so I guess this is where the jeopardy comes in. Bit of a typical feeling-out to start but HHH shoves Axel into the corner and hits a ripcord clothesline. TO THE OUTSIDE we go as HHH threatens Heyman before shoving Axel back in. Axel does some painfully generic stuff, gets briefly countered, then hits a dropkick for a one-count. BOOT CHOKING! Axel keeps hitting HHH in the jaw because apparently he took a sledgehammer shot there. Fist drop to the face for two.

On goes the chinlock as Heyman tries to make this feel decent, but ultimately fails. HHH lifts out and does corner charges. Time for HHH's sequence. Kneeling facebuster, spinebuster... but he's too tired to hit the Pedigree and clotheslines Axel out. After an apron bash, Axel gets another punch to the face in. He clotheslines Axel over and shoves him right in... but doesn't follow. He can't even climb the apron. He asks for water from the timekeeper, and tries to continue, but stumbles, and collapses. Eventually medical staff call the match off.

So, what happened there? Well, I have a theory. This is a shot at Dolph Ziggler. Recently, Dolph Ziggler had suffered a legit, real concussion that forced him to miss a PPV. So they had HHH do this bit to show off that... wrestlers getting concussions is lame? I guess? Whatever it is, it's something that was done because of Ziggler. But it wasn't in service of Axel, was it? It's not them saying "oh, Axel beat HHH so badly he can't continue". It's them saying "HHH is just too awesome for his own good, he wrestled Lesnar in a cage and he wrestled Axel the next night, and he could have continued the match but those wackass doctors said he couldn't, don't trust doctors". So yeah, that's why it's a shot at Ziggler. Because WWE thinks medical protocol is for pussies. I didn't think I'd do this... but I'm annoyed enough for this to be a red match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #817
Deuce/Domino (c) vs. Sgt. Slaughter/Jimmy Snuka
for the WWE Tag Team Championship
WWE Vengeance: Night of Champions - June 24, 2007​

Speaking of head injuries, let's talk about this show! Vengeance '07 is forever blighted by the fact that Chris Benoit was meant to take part, but he was at home murdering his wife and son. It's probably for the best that it's forgotten, because it's a seriously mediocre show. On which the worst match is by all accounts this. Two guys who are pretending to be from the 50's vs. two guys in or around their 60's. And, on the subject of Chris Benoit, one of those old guys also murdered his significant other! 1.16/10 says the hivemind, are they right?

This was intended as an open challenge. Cherry's on roller skates, I love that. They run down former tag champs Tony Garea and Rick Martel who are in the front row. Then out come Slaughter and Snuka and the champs treat them like an incredibly shocking threat. If anything, wrestling has too much reverence for "legends". Snuka up against Domino. They do an OVW Thing and they botch the leapfrog so Domino lands ass-first on Snuka's head, but Snuka's got Pacific Islander Head so he doesn't have to sell it. He takes the edge then tags in Slaughter, who does some strikes and a gutbuster. "USA" chants despite the heel team having more kayfabe Americans than the faces. Snapmare for two.

Slaughter does some corner shoulders and gives a back body drop. Domino gets a kick but Slaughter no-sells and slaps on the Cobra Clutch to a decent pop (the first one all match). I don't believe either "legend" has taken a bump yet. Slaughter hits a clothesline and stumbles over. Some of the crowd are chanting for Cherry. Cobra Clutch again but Deuce gets a hit from the outside so Slaughter punches him out. Soon Deuce tags in and some old-school ref-distractin' puts Slaughter on the back foot. Domino in with a fist drop for two. Deuce drops an elbow. He drags Slaughter's carcass to the centre of the ring to do an imitation Superfly Splash (he's mocking his shoot father, which is fun). But it misses.

In comes Snuka to face his son. Throat thrusts galore! He clotheslines Deuce down for two but Domino makes the save. Slaughter dumps out Domino so Snuka has Deuce alone. Backbreaker, and Superfly Splash teased, but it takes long enough for him to get up that Deuce is up and when Snuka lands he rolls through for the three. Post-match the throwbacks beat up the actual throwbacks before Garea and Martel come to make the save. See, they had a plan for that all along!

Brutally old and crusty in-ring action but not that bad for entertainment overall.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #818
Santino Marella (c) vs. Umaga
for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
WWE Vengeance: Night of Champions - June 24, 2007​

Meanwhile... today, 15 years ago, we lost Umaga. I can't say I ever watched him at the time, but from what I've seen he's certainly unforgettable. And what better tribute to a wrestler than looking at a match they did? Here's the runback from Santino's "Milan Miracle" where he won the title off Umaga. It's too short for a rating on Cagematch but it's rated MINUS 1 star by Dave. Let's see it.

Champ out first and is welcomed out by Ricky Steamboat. Umaga goes for a charge and Santino tries rolling up, but Umaga's too powerful. Santino clings to Umaga's back but Umaga just drops on him. Diving headbutt attempt, Santino gets the knees up, but of course Umaga's Samoan so he's fine and hits a superkick. Umaga attacks Santino's shoulder, probably trying to prevent the invention of the Cobra. Then a DEADLY NERVE HOLD! Which takes up about a minute of match. Umaga punches Santino in the corner, over a count of five. DQ'd for Kicking Too Much Ass. Post-match Umaga (who's the face here, despite the bookers' intentions) gives a running ass attack, a top rope splash, and then comes back for a Samoan Spike.

It looked strong after the first minute but that nerve hold just kept on going and it randomly ended. What a waste of time.