Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #822
Giant Baba vs. Bulldog Bob Brown
AWA WrestleRock - April 20, 1986​

Okay, here's the earliest remaining of the low-scorers, and a match from a show I've been looking at for a while. AWA WrestleRock '86. The AWA's answer to WrestleMania, held in a half-empty Metrodome, featuring very few stars, and accompanied by a very silly music video. Watch this. Watch the wrestlers that WWF didn't have struggling to rap (except Bock and Larry Z who are actually good). It'll cheer you up before going through this 1.70/10 horror with me.


edit 2024-12-06: holy shit the WWE Vault channel uploaded this same video the day right after, awesome

Nobody gets entrance music and the crowd is very nonplussed about the entrances and the introductions. Bulldog Bob Brown is a doughy fucker who looks like a parallel universe version of my father. Hiroshi Wajima is seconding Baba, which is somehow not the first time we've seen him in this thread. On commentary is Rod Trongard who's one of those old-school commentators who's basically incapable of sounding excited, even if he tried. Meh, he's no Kent Walton. Kent Walton was a true legend. I still think back to that one fucking match where Kendo Nagasaki was hypnotising Robbie Brookside and and Kent Walton was like "he's got these hypnotic powers" as if it was just another day at the office. So funny. So stupid.

Oh yeah, the match! They lock up, Brown tries a headlock, gets whipped, and doesn't even bother coming off the rope. Baba's working the arm in the lightest damn way possible. They both try chops against the ropes. Brown tries a leg takedown but no chance. Baba's working the arm and drags him down for a headscissors armbar. They do a wide shot to the empty seats. Everything Baba does looks so light and he doesn't sell. Brown gets an eye poke and does an INVERTED ROPE CHOKE! By which I mean a goozle pushing the back of Baba's neck against the rope. That's new. Baba does some bionic chops but Brown's not really selling them.

Test of strength spot that doesn't look in any way intense. It just looks like two old farts holding hands. Baba does some knees in super slo-mo, kicks Brown down and goes for a BIG WALK. Brown starts BITING THE EYES. How does that work? He goes for a leg drop but Baba rolls away. Chop by Baba and a shitty Russian legsweep, followed by a big boot to finish.

Man. How far back would I have to go in history to find a Baba match that doesn't suck? In '86 he looks the same level of useless as Andre was in his latter WWF run.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #823
Sgt. Slaughter (c) vs. Kamala
for the AWA America's Championship
AWA WrestleRock - April 20, 1986​

One more match from this show. And it's for Slaughter's vanity belt. He won it from Larry Z, who had apparently won it in Mexico but the belt didn't really exist before he lost it to Slaughter. I'm expecting a stand-up brawl here.

Slaughter's in the crowd handing out mini flags to the kids. We start with a lot of stalling where Slaughter mimes... hitting a home run, I think. Kamala does a chop to the armpit that sends Slaughter reeling back. Then again. He misses a third chop and Slaughter gets a punch, so Kamala does that awful walk-away sell. Test of strength teased but Kamala sends Slaughter off with a chop to the head and now they're in the corner doing corner stuff. Kamala does his signature spot, a splash to the back but he doesn't know his opponent's shoulders have to be down. Such a lazy stereotype thing but he keeps doing it. Slaughter almost does his Slaughter bump but gets tangled up in the ropes.

A nerve hold begins: the DEADLY ARMPIT PINCH! This lasts an agonising minute until Slaughter punches out. Kamala takes Skandor Akbar's whip and uses it. He then threatens the referee seemingly for no reason. GROUND CHOKING! Slaughter tries to get rights but a throat attack with the whip downs him. ROPE CHOKING! And now Kamala just chops until Slaughter starts bringing the clubbing forearms. A dropkick and a slam get Kamala off his feet for the first time. Back elbow and a soft clothesline for two. Cobra Clutch is on but Akbar is up causing a distraction. Slaughter goes for Akbar, Akbar holds him back for Kamala to attack... You Know This Spot. Whatever the case, the interference means Kamala's DQ'd. Slaughter has the whip and sends Kamala and Akbar running.

Yeah, I've really exhausted the fun-bad stuff in the WWE-verse and I'm now getting into the grueling stuff. This shit is VILE. Slaughter's selling was at least decent though.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #824
Hack Myers vs. Big Val Puccio
ECW Hardcore Heaven - July 1, 1995​

This is a relatively young introduction to the low-scorers, being rated 2.00/10 with only 5 reviews. So maybe it didn't properly earn its way into this thread at all? Let's find out, shall we?

Fucking hell, the state of Val. I talk about wrestling spheres when I see matches with guys like Yokozuna and Viscera, but Val really is just spherical. LOUD "you fat fuck" chants that the dub music doesn't get close to obscuring. We start with stalling so Val can argue with fans who are still taking digs at his weight. Bit of a staredown. Joey Styles suggests that to cure insomnia you could watch WCW Saturday Night. They're continuing to chant at Val and he's getting into it with them and Myers is just standing there.

Finally Myers tries to slam Val and hurts his back. Val corners him and punches him to cries of "SHIT SHIT SHIT" from the crowd. This is a reference to the "SHAH SHAH SHAH" chants when Myers did his brawling, of course. Which he does, getting the sphere down for a bit with a clothesline. Val crushes Myers with a body avalanche a few times. Thankfully it's not 2000 so he won't use a Stinkface. Instead he taunts the crowd who love to call him a fat fuck. He props up Myers again and does another avalanche. He then powerslams Myers. And wanders around him a bit before hitting a 500-pound splash. He's going to go for the finish with an elbow but he misses, he's fallen and can't get up and Myers gets his arm across for the win. Post-match more splashing, and the fans call 911, but no 911 is forthcoming.

Val takes the record of the new most immobile sphere in this thread, at least until we get to Cheex's TNA match. Shite.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #825
Hollywood Hogan/Dennis Rodman vs. Diamond Dallas Page/Karl Malone
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 12, 1998​

Dennis Rodman. He had three PPV matches in WCW. One was with Hogan against Luger and the Giant. One was against Randy Savage. Neither of those is, by all accounts, bad enough to warrant inclusion in this thread if this match isn't in. MINUS 1.25 stars from Dave. 1.86/10 says Cagematch's sealed container of wailing lost souls. As if one basketball player giving wrestling a go weren't enough, we've got two. And I've just seen how long this match has on the Network. The match chapter starts with THIRTY EIGHT MINUTES to go in the show. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Hey, at least this Michael Buffer pageantry is sparing us a bit of match time. The Disciple is out with Hogan and Rodman and how DARE you show me this man again. I'll admit that DDP's Network dub theme has seriously grown on me. Feels like it could have been a real wrestling theme. Malone's geared up while Rodman is in street clothes. Karl Malone's certainly got a look. Better than Rodman's. He looks stoned out of his mind most of the time. There's a bit of stalling while Hogan goes coward mode and then both teams struggle to decide who's going to wrestle first. Shockingly the basketball players are the ones who start.

Rodman stalls to let Hogan remove his sunglasses. "You both suck" chants from the San Diego crowd for both basketball guys (they'll remember that when they join the Lakers over the next few years) (I did a bit of research for that line, give it some respect). Then... more stalling. This is apparently some kind of strategy to get Malone on the back foot. Test of strength teased but slapped away. Rodman does a low-contact headlock, bounced off, and rolls outside. Malone does the DDP hand sign. In comes Hogan and he has a posedown with Malone. Test of strength teased again but Hogan backs off. Headlock by Malone, and he yanks away Hogan from the ropes a couple of times. Then he slams Hogan. This is dragging already.

Now it's Hogan/DDP! Actual wrestlers! Actually no, because Hogan tags out to Rodman. Rodman's overpowered as the boring chants hit. Rodman has no respect for DDP. He gets an armdrag, somehow. Malone smacks DDP on the ass. DDP gets a headlock, Rodman bounces off and they clash, with DDP selling and Rodman just clattering hard. DDP shoves Rodman off a headlock and pins him for two. OVW Rope Running Thing, and then DDP and Rodman clash roughly again. Malone puts the boots in to Rodman before he can tag out to Hogan.

Back to Hogan/Malone. Hogan tries to work the arm but it honestly looks silly. Malone's clearly so much taller than him and he's trying to hide that. Hogan gets overpowered. Rodman comes in for a cheap shot, and... fuck me does this mean the basketball player's going to be the face in peril? At least he's trying to sell. GROUND CHOKING! Slam and elbow drops by Hogan, followed by a STOMP ON THE FACE. Rodman does an elbow of his own, then sends him into Hogan's boot. Malone visibly doesn't take a turnbuckle bash. After a couple of pin attempts, on goes the chinlock and I wish I were dead. And now more ground choking.

Rodman holds Malone back so Hogan can punch him. And Rodman trips over after Malone takes the punch. Rodman is like Bambi on ice at this point. Back suplex by Hogan. Then he misses an elbow and in comes DDP with the hot tag. Rodman is bumping like a maniac on the outside, even though accidental. He cuts off DDP's heat with a shot from the apron and now it's time for that favourite part of an old man Hogan match... the WEIGHT BELT! Crowd thinks everyone sucks here. Double clothesline for two. BOOT CHOKING!! I can't excite myself for this it's dreadful. Corner clothesline and DDP is crumpled. Double big boot and he's even more crumpled.

The heat segment continues unabated. The Disciple's pulling on DDP's tights. Suplex by Hogan for two. He and Rodman ram DDP back first into the corner. I'm so done. Finally DDP starts to fight out but Hogan trips him and prevents a hot tag. Malone slaps DDP from the outside but nothing comes of it. I don't think I mentioned that Rodman's only move is a front facelock. DDP tries to lift out of it but can't. Hogan distracts the ref so he can't see Malone tagging. So we just get Hogan punching DDP for a bit, Big boot... leg drop... DDP rolls away!

Okay, another hot tag, this time to Malone. Hogan's scared of this basketball player. Clotheslines everywhere, slams everywhere, and a clash of heads. He gives turnbuckle bashes to Hogan. Big boot, and tag in to DDP so he can hit the Diamond Cutter on Hogan. He has to crawl and Rodman breaks up the pin... Malone gives Rodman the Diamond Cutter! While the ref is distracted Disciple comes in, gives the Apocalypse to DDP and stacks Hogan on him. Malone gives Disciple a Diamond Cutter. A fan throws a drink and it nails Disciple in his cock. Malone complains about the finish... then gives the REF a Diamond Cutter! Guess everyone wins, huh?

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh that took too long. Too much stalling, two hot tags for some reason. Apparently, I've looked this up now, Hogan's original plan was to have this match actually go the 38 minutes. Also apparently Rodman wasn't sober. Wouldn't surprise me, he could barely stand up. Karl Malone though, an absolute loss to pro wrestling. He had the height, he had the look, and he actually trained so he had the ethic. Just give him some basic wrestling ability and he clears 99% of the WCW roster.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #826
The Perfect Event (c) vs. KroniK
for the WCW World Tag Team Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - June 5, 2000​

For my last trick today, I'll have a look at a particularly disastrous (and typical) Nitro from 2000. It featured two low scorers, but also some other things of interest. This is one that earned 1.71/10 from the chaotic hivemind, so let's see how it matches up to expectations!

Champs out first. Kicking off with a big old brawl while Madden makes weed puns about KroniK. Adams brawls Stasiak up the ramp while it's Clark vs. Palumbo in the ring. Clark uncorks a flying clothesline for two. Stasiak manages to escape Adams and there's a brief double-team until Adams gets in for the save. Clark hits the Meltdown on Palumbo, no pin attempt though, we've got to go TO THE OUTSIDE for a flying move that camera misses! Because they're focusing on Cat coming out! Full nelson slam by Adams on Palumbo for two. Palumbo stops Adams from doing a power move on Stasiak by kicking him in the head.

Neckbreaker by Stasiak. He sets Adams up for a Palumbo crossbody, and so Palumbo gets to do a few obviously-missing punches. Stasiak hits a flying back elbow and manages to crossbody a larger man for two. Adams pulls out a backbreaker and tags to Clark who wipes both guys out. Both Palumbo and Stasiak out and we're all on the outside. Cat enters the ring and tells the ref to do a count-out while he's in a chokehold. Clark and Palumbo are brawling to the back. Adams puts Stasiak in and Cat counts the rest of the count immediately. Perfect Event retain by count-out, allegedly. KroniK threaten Cat, the champs attack from behind, then get wrecked.

Generic match, stupid finish, no one gets over.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #827
Terry Funk (c) vs. Eric Bischoff
Hardcore Match for the WCW Hardcore Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - June 5, 2000​

Next up we've got this! Funker against... Bischoff-er! For the Hardcore belt held by the old man who will never die. I should really do that one where he faced Candido and got his head kicked in by a horse but that's on the WWE Vault YT channel so not in any immediate danger of going away. Here's old guy vs. non-wrestler. I get the feeling that this won't be Bischoff vs. Larry Z, and that's not just its 0.68/10 Cagematch rating!

Champ out first. Bischoff is out with Cat who's also providing offence. Including a chair shot to the head. Bisch does a nunchuck display while Funk brains Cat with a bin. Bisch fails to break through the bin and gets hit in the head. The heels try to bail, but it's a Hardcore Title match, falls count anywhere! Except if you're Bam Bam Bigelow that one time! They don't have a camera in the back so out comes Miss Hancock to do a spectacularly leggy dance. Out comes Kimberly and Mike Awesome to interrupt. And Kimberly's cutting a PROMO. "I believe you're trying to steal my spotlight" THERE'S A MATCH HAPPENING. THIS IS NOT YOUR SPOTLIGHT. She whacks Hancock with her own clipboard. "Get your fat ass back in the ring" -so, is that why Awesome is with her? This sets up a match later.

All of a sudden Funk and Bisch are back in the entryway. Funk wheelbarrows Bisch back into the ring, then clobbers Cat as he tries to intervene. DDT on a chair (sort of, the only thing that hits the chair is Funk's back). Backstage Vince Russo sends the Mamalukes out as if there weren't enough moving parts in this match already. Funk threatens to show Bisch his wrinkled ass, and he's in the process of dropping trou when Vito and Johnny arrive. Elbow drop on to a chair... broom handle to hit Funk in the nuts with a bin lid. Vito hits a DDT and drapes Bischoff on Funk. Bischoff's the Hardcore Champion. What.

Is this what was going on in Vince Russo's brain all the time? A promo to set up a match happening during ANOTHER match. So much interference. And then Bisch didn't lose the championship properly, he surrendered it to the Mamalukes. Collectively. I hate wrestling.

 

[Chris]

Garbage

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #828
Goldberg vs. Tank Abbott
WCW Monday Nitro - June 5, 2000​

This was built as the first big return match of Goldberg. In that time, they'd built up Tank Abbott as the next new tough guy on the block, and then immediately threw that out by having him lose to David Arquette. So this isn't the badass-on-badass match WCW thought it was. But it's a match. Let's see what kind of a match.

Goldberg gets a typically long entrance. He's SO over. And they're going to have him heel by next Nitro. Superkick (which commentary calls as the Bret Hart killer) wrecks Abbott. He avoids Abbott's punches and tosses him around. It looks like it's going to be spear, Jackhammer, done, but Rick Steiner comes in with a chair. Abbott puts the boot on the chest but Goldberg kicks out. ROPE CHOKING... but the Wolfpac music hits, and Kevin Nash is out from the crowd. Nash neutralises Rick and lets this match finish. Spear, Jackhammer, done. Goldberg's busted open, but there was no good way to fit that one in.

How do you overbook a squash? Vince Russo.

 

[Chris]

Bret Hart killer is insane

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Bret Hart killer is insane

They didn't literally call it that but they said he did that move on Bret Hart and he hasn't been seen since. They were actually building up Goldberg being a badass from him botching and injuring Bret

 

[Chris]

They didn't literally call it that but they said he did that move on Bret Hart and he hasn't been seen since. They were actually building up Goldberg being a badass from him botching and injuring Bret

I think if my memory serves correct they were hopefully for a Bret return around that time before his stroke too so slight chance it was to build that

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #829
Jeff Jarrett (c) vs. Sting
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - June 5, 2000​

And now we get to something that bewilders me about Russo-era WCW. The World Title matches on the MIDCARD of your TV show. How does that make one lick of sense? Anyway, Jarrett is New Blood and Sting isn't. This is a match.

Champ out first. I love when it's obvious the lightshow is for Seek and Destroy and yet we hear the other Sting theme. You can actually hear the highs of S&D even despite the dub. Jarrett tries to jump Sting mid-entrance but it's Sting who comes in hot. Stinger Splash missed but Sting starts clotheslining away. Jarrett jumps into a powerbomb by Sting. Was he trying a Frankensteiner? He kicks Sting off the Scorpion and finds a chair. Because relaxed rules means you don't have to wrestle, you just have to hit the other guy with shit. After a few chair hits Sting clotheslines Jarrett back in. He tries a sunset flip, Jarrett grabs the ropes, but the ref kicks Jarrett's hands away! Sting quickly gets the three and he's the champ!... or not, because Bischoff comes up and says it's a non-title match because he arbitrarily decided it. Sting avoids a belt shot and brawls Jarrett off.

So they just beat the World Champion clean as a whistle in three minutes for no fucking reason. Great. Wonder why we're not all watching Nitro in 2024?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #830
Hollywood Hogan vs. Horace Hogan
Caged Heat Match
WCW Monday Nitro - June 5, 2000​

Oh boy. So, basically, Bischoff has convinced Horace that Hulk Hogan won't be here tonight. However, Hollywood Hogan is another matter entirely. Also it's in the cage because fuck you. Is there any structure in WCW? (Also, we all know how Hulk Hogan's penis is bigger than Terry Bollea's. So, how big is Hollywood Hogan's penis in relation to Hulk Hogan's penis?)

"Schizoprenia is running wild!" -sometimes Mark Madden is good. It's all Hogan, beating up his nephew with punches and a clothesline. Off comes the weight belt for whipping and choking. TO THE OUTSIDE for some typical cage-bashing. Horace kicks a chair into Hogan's face. Some chair shots until he misses one and now Hogan is on top. Horace begs for mercy but nothing is forthcoming. Leg drop on a chair finishes it. Billy Kidman shows up but gets his ass kicked too and put through a table. Gotta keep Hogan strong!

What was the point of that?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #831
Ric Flair vs. Vince Russo
Caged Heat Match
WCW Monday Nitro - June 5, 2000​

This is what the cage was for. Vince Russo wanted to continue to commit his wank fantasy of humiliating Ric Flair. Is there any promoter who didn't go out of their way to shit on Flair?

Russo manages to down Flair with one shoulderblock. He kicks Flair in the cock, chops him down and does the strut. Flair responds by ripping Russo's shirt, chopping him, and kicking him in the cock. Back suplex by Flair. Then a knee drop. TO THE OUTSIDE for cage-bashing and also some chops. Flair does some punches and another cage-bash. Out comes David, while Russo bumps the ref. Russo tries to get out of the cage door, but Reid on the outside bites Russo's hand. Ric beats on David who does that bump on the corner. More cage-bashing!

Russo sets up a ladder to escape through the cage roof. Flair tries to follow but Russo punches him down. The trap door so Russo can get out is revealed, he climbs to the roof followed by Flair. He threatens to toss Russo off but gets eye-poked. Someone managed to knock over the ladder, so when Russo tries to climb in he finds nothing, and Ric stomps his hands to send him falling to the mat. In true WCW style, the camera misses it. Russo has no knees and Flair puts on the Figure Four. I timed this: he has that shit locked on for 72 seconds. Not once does Russo tap, not once does he look like tapping. A New Blood bloodbath interrupts Flair and BUMPS THE REF BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DOES. David puts Ric in the Figure Four, Russo pins, David counts. Eventually the bell rings for no reason even though the ref is still bumped.

Commentary says that Vince Russo has desecrated all that is wrestling. Yep. Got it in one. And he's still standing at the end. That Figure Four did ZERO to him. A burial of Ric Flair.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #832
Kevin Nash vs. The New Blood
1-on-11 Handicap Gauntlet Match
WCW Monday Nitro - June 5, 2000​

And here's what I wanted to do this whole show for. The New Blood Gauntlet. Kevin Nash taking on an entire faction. Eleven against one. Who are the eleven?

• Chris Candido
• Disco Inferno
• Konnan
• Mike Awesome
• Rey Misterio Jr.
• Shane Douglas
• The Mamalukes (Big Vito and Johnny the Bull)
• The Perfect Event (Shawn Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo)
• Vampiro

The New Blood lead a limping Russo out, for Russo to make the rules clear: if Nash gets pinned or if any Millionaires' Club members interfere, he's off the Great American Bash. Disco comes in first and tries some kicks, but is downed with a sidewalk slam in seconds. In come Candido and Johnny the Bull, both of whom get eliminated by Jackknifes. Not by being pinned after a Jackknife. They're just down and the ref counts them. Vito eats another, the ref counts with no one on top of him, and Nash confusedly puts a boot on the chest after the three. We're barely a minute in and Rey comes in and gets actually pinned after a big boot. The rest of them all come in and swarm Nash until Goldberg shows up to make the save. Bischoff says Goldberg's suspended... effective on Thunder. Why not tonight? Who knows?

So much for that youth initiative, eh Vince, you stupid fucking fuck? You just buried five guys in a row without even pinning half of them. Why doesn't what goes on in your head make sense, Vince? Why did you ever book wrestling, Vince? Why don't you take a good long hard look at yourself, Vince? What are you doing with our lives?