Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #846
Ric Flair vs. Roddy Piper
for the Presidency of WCW
WCW Slamboree - May 9, 1999​

Ya like two old men scrapping for a meaningless management position? Good! Because WCW did it TWICE in two shows in 1999! Everything I said about Flair/Piper at the Bash likely applies here, so let's do this shit again. 1.31/10 says the hivemind, are they right?

Same setup as last time. Flair's the prez, he's got Arn and Asya out with him. And Flair, as president, has fired the original ref and replaced him with Lil' Naitch. Piper smacks Flair in the face while he's on the mic. Flair gets back body dropped and tries to walk off. Piper goes to intimidate Lil' Naitch and spits on Flair. Piper unleashes the chops and then some punches until Flair flops. He rolls out, Piper follows and they chop battle for a bit. Flair's begging off but Piper pokes him in the eyes. If Lil' Naitch is a biased ref why doesn't he just DQ Piper? Piper punches and claps Flair until he flops again.

Flair punches Piper right in his haggis, neeps and tatties and the ref has no sympy. Out goes Piper to take a few punches from Arn. Back in and Flair roughs up Piper. Arn distracts the ref so Asya can join the nutshot squad. There's a bit of downtime as Piper lies dead on the ground and gets lifted up, but he eventually recovers and blocks a chop, and gets a back body drop for two. Allegedly two, because Flair's shoulder could have been down for all the camera can tell. Arn get more shots in. It's when another chop battle happens that I really notice how badly Piper is underselling. He sends Flair into the corner and Flair does his bump TO THE OUTSIDE! Piper bashes Flair's face into shit in true BOTO fashion.

Back in the ring a clash of heads causes a double down. Flair gets up first, and he works the leg by propping Piper's leg on the ropes and sitting on it. Figure Four on, which Piper survives until he can turn it over and force Flair to break. Piper tossed to the outside but this time he manages to punch Arn out. Sunset Flip sees Flair's old man ass exposed because we need that apparently. Piper goes for pins but the ref doesn't bother counting. Flair goes up top, which obviously doesn't work. Piper puts on a Figure Four of his own. Flair gives up but Lil' Naitch isn't listening. In comes Arn who takes a sleeper. Then Flair gets a sleeper. Then Asya gets a forced kiss (BABYFACE~) and a sleeper. Piper punches Lil' Naitch out, Flair gets brass knucks and punches Piper out, fast count for the three, Flair's still prez...

Except no, Eric Bischoff comes out and reverses the decision, awarding the win to Piper, who as his first act as President fires Ric Flair. Wait... how can you be the President with hiring and firing powers if you've got someone above you that just overrides the authority? Is Bischoff the deep state? Anyway, this match was doddering and old and it blew.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #847
Goldberg vs. Lex Luger
WCW Mayhem - November 26, 2000​

Still doing this, huh? Still in WCW? I can't wait to be doing the more modern stuff. Even if the 2021 RAW women's division is (as Chris asserts) too depressing, it'll be a change from punch, back body drop, rope choke, going to the outside to bash into the furniture a few times. Because that's literally all that WCW heavyweight matches were. Goldberg/Luger was shit at Mayhem '99 and it's going to be shit at Mayhem 2000. A Dave-certified DUD with 2.00/10 from the hivemind. Enjoy. Not like I will. At least Luger isn't calling himself just the "Total Package" anymore. Goldberg's got to win or he's done.

This was apparently counted as the co-main, so we get Michael Buffer pissing away time. Notice they only show the sparkler pyro during Goldberg's entrance, not the booms. Because the booms weren't in the budget anymore, they just added the sound effects. No, I didn't make that up. Long staredown to start. Goldberg gets a wristlock but Luger goes to the rope. He continues to work the arm but Luger gets out with forearm clubs. Sloppy looking back suplex by Luger which Goldberg no-sells. Ref tries to stop a cornered pounding which lets Luger get an eye gouge. The steroid monkey does some pounding in the corner, but poses, so Goldberg can recover and beat Luger down instead.

Luger gets the boot up on a corner charge and uses the metal forearm. He clotheslines Goldberg TO THE OUTSIDE where we get some typical BOTO. Back in the ring... god, Luger's boring. Puts me to sleep every time. He does some stuff to Goldberg's back but Goldberg recovers and gets a powerslam. Spear, but Luger pulls the ref in front of him so he bumps them both. Jackhammer hits and a second ref rushes in to count the three.

I thought co-main events weren't supposed to go five minutes and feature two guys who were probably gassed even then? Maybe it's a SPECIAL MAIN EVENT. That would make more sense.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #848
Kevin Nash (c)/Sting vs. Randy Savage/Sid Vicious
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 11, 1999​

Up next our, gods willing, last look at Bash at the Beach. Unless fate conspires to allow me to watch Rick Steiner vs. Van Hammer after the Network dies. I shudder at the thought. This is the sort of match stipulation that some booker said "why shouldn't this work" without realising there's a reason why it shouldn't work. A tag match for a singles title. And WCW kept doing this. And the partners aren't on the same page so Nash can lose his title while winning the match. Why not make it a four-way? MINUS 1 star from Dave and 1.08/10 from the hivemind. Time to endure it.

Savage, of course, has his three valets. There's apparently some sort of domestic abuse going on with George as she has a black eye and seeks protection from Nash. This all leads to a Sting/Savage brawl on the outside somehow. Back on the inside Sting does some basic stuff and an inverted atomic nutshot. In comes Sid. "We've seen him over and over, he's never looked better" says Schiavone, which could be interpreted as an insult. He lays in punches, Sting ducks a lariat and hits a crossbody. He sends Sid to the outside where Savage shoves him back in. Sid keeps it basic still, but misses a corner knee.

Sting's lopped down by Sid, and now back to Savage. Savage's valets can't even do a rope choke properly, they just bat at Sting's face. Sid back in, and Savage helps Sid give Sting the boot. Camel Clutch variation by Sid, and Nash breaks it up. Back to Savage who does some cornered stuff and distracts the ref so Sid can choke from the apron. Sting starts to scrap out of the corner, getting a shot in on Sid too, and uses a dropkick. Cold tag to Nash. Sidewalk slam to Sid, cornered stuff to Savage. Including a boot choke, like Stacy Keibler but... I guess, about the same. They're both leggy blondes who can't wrestle for shit.

Nash sends Sting back in to weaken Savage. TO THE OUTSIDE we go for a bit of bashing against the rails. Sting misses a knee against the rail, and Sid comes over and gives him Snake Eyes. Madusa and Miss Madness (Mona, Molly Holly) get together and push Sting into the ring post. Then Mona does a grounded choke. If this were the Russo era, it'd be possible for Mona to win the title. Sid puts on a chinlock and it feels like my screen has frozen for how little happens in the next minute. Arm drop routine but Sting's livin' and does a headbutt to Sid's hanging chad.

Cold tag to Nash now. Boots, sidewalk slams, and Sid's about to take the Jackknife but Savage stops him. The match descends into chaos as Sting ends up giving a noggin knocker and a Stinger Splash to Madusa and Mona. Stinger Splash on Savage, Sid chokeslam on Sting, Nash takes out Sid. Crowd wants Goldberg. In comes Gorgeous George to help Nash... but she punches him in the taint! This hands Savage the opportunity to get the elbow drop for three and become the champion.

The most generic lumbering tag team match you'll ever see, but the biggest problem is that it doesn't make sense. Sid could have stopped Savage from winning the title. Doesn't he want to win the title himself? Why did Sting and Nash even trust each other? What was the point? Just make it a four-way!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #849
Buff Bagwell vs. Ernest "The Cat" Miller
WCW Road Wild - August 14, 1999​

The last two WCW PPV matches on the low-scoring backlog come at the same show: Road Wild 1999. Jesus. I'm sure there's a lot I'm missing, like the Black Scorpion shit, I never even touched that. But after this I'll never have to go to a WCW PPV again. I'll have to go to a couple of Nitros, yes, but never a PPV. And fittingly enough, the end of the WCW PPVs is two matches that each feature two veritable superstars of this thread. First up, Bagwell vs. Cat! A DUD says Dave, 1.21/10 says the shambling mass of opinions called Cagematch. Are they right? Probably!

Maybe this is the last time I'll hear Cat's shitty Network dub theme. Let us mourn its loss with one last rendition.
Parp parp parp parp
....
Parp parp parp parp... toooooooot
Anyway Cat's wearing Confederate flag gloves because he wants to be a slave "biker culture" I guess. The bikers rev their engines over his promo. Bagwell tries to grab a mic but Cat denies him. This, allegedly, is crowd work. In reality it's just encouraging the bikers to be obnoxious fucks. Cat gets into it with Doug Dillinger. Bagwell gets on the mic and not-so-subtly hints that bikers hate black people.

Okay, now a match. Cat consults with Sonny Onoo and Bagwell struts. Cat hits a hip toss and celebrates like he's won already. We're already in full timewasting mode. "Pussy Cat" chants. Bagwell starts getting some offence, slamming, sending Cat out with a clothesline, and miming riding a bike like a moron. Cat rebounds with forearm clubs and a cornered choke. And a BOOT CHOKE! Bagwell floats over on a whip and dropkicks Cat a couple of times. Bagwell gets off nine mounted punches but on the tenth Cat hits him in the stuff. Superkick but Cat showboats for basically forever and doesn't get the pin. Onoo comes in with a rope choke and now Cat pins for two.

GROUND CHOKING! And now a kick to the chest and an eye rake. And now another Onoo rope choke. On goes the chinlock! Bagwell manages to fight out eventually but gets his face raked. Cat tries a suplex but it gets reversed. Bagwell's crossbody gets two. Cat hits a jawbreaker and Onoo holds up his briefcase, but Bagwell whips Cat into it. Roll-up for three. Cat then no-sells the weapon hit and chokes Bagwell out, he and Onoo attacking Bagwell 2-on-1.

Generic slop match where no one got over. Bagwell certainly wasn't elevated by this because he won in a screwy way and got left lying.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #850
Hulk Hogan (c) vs. Kevin Nash
Career vs. Career Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Road Wild - August 14, 1999​

I swear I didn't plan it this way. That the 850th entry would be the last WCW PPV match I theoretically "have" to do, featuring the most regularly-appearing wrestler in the thread (making his incredible 45th appearance!) and a guy who isn't far behind in Nash. This feels like the end of an era. And how appropriate because this is a match where each man has his career on the line. It's actually not even the last Hogan/Nash match that'll be in this thread (oh, I'll get to that) but it's climactic.

Nash looks so checked out. Jesus. Out comes Hogan, the return of the red and yellow. Now he can have a generic 80's Hogan match instead of a generic 90's Hogan match! Big staredown stall to start. Nash shoves Hogan into the corner a few times. Eventually Hogan manages to shove back, and invites Nash to kiss his ass. On goes Nash's headlock. Hogan seems to be fighting out of it but Nash clings on. After a good minute of headlock Hogan gets a back suplex and Nash rolls out for a breather. Because you've gotta draw this one out. Now Nash is looking for a TEST OF STRENGTH. You know how this one works. Hogan's initially overpowered but fights up, and it eats another minute and a half. It ends with Nash using a knee.

Time for Nash's heat, and he does this with elbows and rights every ten seconds. Maybe it's quicker than that, but it feels that long. Tenay calls the offence "tentative" and "cautious". which is a euphemism like "deliberate" or "measured". It means slow as fuck. Boot choke by Nash. He taunts a slumped Hogan in the corner, then goes for a back elbow but Hogan avoids. Hogan comes in with a punch that Nash sells harder than any move he'd sold all year. An eye rake and then Hogan throws another right. But then Nash goes for the eyes himself. Back to the Nash heat and it's fucking turgid, sorry. He corners Hogan and does the boot choke again. Sidewalk slam for two.

TO THE OUTSIDE we go because they've exhausted all the non-wrestling they could do inside the ring. Hogan gets a faceful of beam. Back in, Nash uses a couple of body guillotines. Teasing the Jackknife, but not yet, he wants to get in some punches. He does the "suck it" to remind everyone what show is better right now. Big boot, Jackknife... Hogan kicks out and starts to Hulk up. You know the scene. No-sell, point, punch, big boot, leg drop, Hogan remains the champ. Nash is gone... for a couple of months.

Same. Old. Shit. I never want to watch Hogan wrestle again.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #851
Sting/Lex Luger vs. Jim Neidhart/The British Bulldog
WCW Monday Nitro - June 29, 1998​

But you have to, don't you, Sky?
What do you mean?
There's still one Hogan match left. It's technically not on the low scorers, being so short and all, but you put it there because it's so monumental you simply have to review it.
Oh, fuck. You're right. I'm going to have to see more Hogan after all.
And you said this is your last WCW PPV match... but there are two more matches on Nitro left to go, aren't there?
So there are.
I won't make you watch Hogan again just yet. I'll offer you some respite. Here you go. Sting and Luger vs. the Hart family members.
That doesn't look very appealing honestly.
But the Cagematch score is 2.00/10. And if you're going to do a bad matches thread, you've got to do it properly and thoroughly.
Okay. Here we go. I'm noticing a lot of Toryumon on this card.
It's a 1998 thing, you get used to it.
I mean, look at these guys. Dragon Kid, CIMA, Suwa, Fujii, Magnum TOKYO all on this same show.
You're just stalling so you don't have to watch old broken down Neidhart, aren't you?
You know me too well, voice in my head.
And you're changing up the format for this one so your readers aren't bored as stiff as you are with the WCW style.
Stop calling me out. Dick.
Okay. Now do the review.
Fine.

No idea on the story here but there probably was one and it was probably overcomplicated to serve everyone's egos at once. Oh yeah, Sting and Luger are both Wolfpac. They stall the hell out of the start. Eventually Luger has a headlock on Neidhart. It goes to an OVW Thing and Neidhart tries to slam Luger but Luger falls on him for two. Metal arm sends Neidhart out to take a breather. Luger is riling up the crowd for a Sting tag-in and now it's Sting vs. Bulldog. After some more staring Sting gets a headlock, then does a shoulderblock and a hip toss. Bulldog is out to rest too. More feeling-out but Bulldog wants Luger. THE ALLIED POWERS EXPLODE! Luger poses, so Anvil tags in and initiates a posedown. "What's he flexing, his beard?" -I love you, Larry Z.

Now Sting's in and goes nose-to-nose with Neidhart. He gets shoved so does a big clothesline. He brings Neidhart's hands to the mat and stomps them. A wrestling match threatens to happen as Luger comes in and starts to become the victim of a Hart family heat segment. They attack Luger's back and Neidhart employs a ROPE CHOKE! They botch a clothesline double down spot because Neidhart forgets to fall. Hot tag to Sting, who beats on Bulldog and hits three inverted atomic nutshots in a row. Stinger Splash, Nedihart wiped out, Sting counters a slam into the Scorpion Death Drop for the win.

So. Much. Fucking. Stalling.
Though, be fair, it wasn't like it was a complete disaster, was it?
Honestly, no, one of the less bad matches I've seen recently.
So, what to do now? Are you going to take on the last Hogan match?
Yes, I think I am.
Though it's not exactly a match, is it?
If you want to put it that way, yes.
Are you planning on featuring me, good old Voice In Your Head, for any future bad match reviews? I'd love to see the Fish Market Street Fight.
Don't call me, I'll call you.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #852
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hollywood Hogan
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - January 4, 1999​

You know this one. I don't have to type a single thing about it. Too much paper and ink, too much Internet space, has been assigned to this one "match". I don't have to tell you anything about it. It's the Fingerpoke of Doom, of course. The moment where WCW was doomed, if you ask WWE. For me, I'd say Starrcade '97 was that moment. If you really want to go back, it's the moment WCW and Hulk Hogan put pen to paper. Not here.

You know all the details about this one. It's meant to be Nash vs. Goldberg, a rematch from Starrcade '98 where the streak was broken in a screwy way. Goldberg, however, is mysteriously arrested on a stalking charge. Originally, it was apparently meant to be a charge of raping Miss Elizabeth, so I'm glad creative control got in the way of that one. Hogan has returned from a break, which he takes every so often to show that WCW's ratings are a lot worse off without him (and conveniently happen during the NFL playoffs as well as the NBA playoffs which pre-empt Nitro). He's throwing himself into this match because they need to settle the issues between Hollywood and Wolfpac once and for all. He was meant to be here announcing his running mate in his bid for President, but who needs real politics when you have wrestling politics?

Oh yeah, and RAW was pre-taped, so Tony Schiavone announces that on the other channel some loser called Mick Foley is going to win the big one. Hundreds of thousands of butts are put in seats as they switch to see that, and then switch back on the overrun to see this match.

A match that's being introduced by Michael Buffer. Neither man is in his gear. Hogan has Scott Steiner in his corner, whilst Nash is accompanied by Scott Hall who is hopefully sober. As Hogan comes into the ring, there's a big staredown where Nash tears off his shirt Hogan-style. They circle about each other. Nash beckons Hogan in, then shoves him. Hogan puts his finger on Nash's chest, and Nash sells like he's lost control of all his limbs. Pin for three. Hogan's champ again. Big group hug. Goldberg runs in to potentially save the fans from this disgrace, and starts cleaning up. Hogan blasts him with the belt but spears him. Out comes Lex Luger to back up Goldberg... but he attacks Goldberg instead. Goldberg's handcuffed and tased. They spray nWo on him.

So, yeah. The nWo is reunited, exposing Bischoff as a one-trick pony. Goldberg gets buried for no reason, and years' worth of storyline dissension gets flushed down the toilet. This isn't a match, but for what it represents it absolutely belongs deep in the bowels of hell (this thread).

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #853
Braun Strowman vs. Baron Corbin
No Disqualification Match
WWE Elimination Chamber - February 17, 2019​

Okay, for now at least, I'm done with WCW. No more WCW. No more empty calorie wrestling. I'm gonna jump 20 years into the future now and have a look at this match. A match on Elimination Chamber, a name that I think could be a technical term for a toilet. It's a show that's quite good and is best remembered for being the catalyst for KofiMania and the return of the Women's Tag Titles. But there's also this match on it! Corbin at not quite his most lame - that was when he was a King. But he's close to that level of lameness as he faces eternal Vince favourite Braun Strowman. 1.76/10 says the hivemind.

Corbin tosses his vest at Braun and uses that to gain the advantage but Braun lops him down with one of these hands. You know, the things Braun invites people to get? Now Corbin uses a kendo stick, first on Braun's head, and now using it to try and lop and Braun's legs. He props it on the turnbuckle, tries to impale Braun's face on it, but Braun reverses and Corbin does that dodge round the corner he always does. Braun does a corner splash, grabs the stick out of Corbin's hands, and smashes the thing because he doesn't need it. TO THE OUTSIDE where Strowman Express bashes Corbin into the barricade, and he goes for a second but Corbin tosses a chair. Third attempt, Corbin sends Braun into the steps. Which he then uses as a weapon, doing a "Corbin Express" of his own and mocking Braun's gimmick.

Back in the ring Corbin gives some hands of his own but Braun recovers and shoves Corbin over. Big boot lops Corbin over, and Braun brings out a table and puts it in the corner. He tries to powerslam Corbin through it but Corbin escapes. He then goes for a flying nothing which lets Braun catch him and powerslam him through the table anyway like an idiot. Suddenly Drew McIntyre comes out with a steel chair. Braun's too distracted to see Bobby Lashley coming out with a steel chair. They get together to bash Braun with chairs. Braun fights back but gets speared. They all set up some steps in the ring. McIntyre trash talks and gets both him and Lashley goozled but Corbin uses a chair now. The heels stack two tables up and triple powerbomb Braun through it. That's it, Corbin wins.

Very basic, the mild WWE type of hardcore, and then an extended beatdown. How the hell did they manage to rehab McIntyre and Lashley by this time the next year?

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #842
Fulfill Your Fantasy Schoolgirl Battle Royal
for the WWE Women's Championship
WWE Taboo Tuesday - October 19, 2004​

We're still on the topic of women being treated like shit, aren't we? Of course we are, it's 2004! Fans voted on what sexualised outfit they wanted to see all the Divas™ in, and the result was schoolgirls! And this is for Trish Stratus' title, because even if you've got a belt you're not immune to being a piece of meat because John Laurinaitis told you to! And speaking of belts, those skirts are going to be short enough to count as belts. Who's in class today, then?

• Trish Stratus (champ, who in kayfabe hates this and in real life probably hated this)
• Jazz (who de-sleeves her shirt to show off them muscles)
• Nidia (billed from Puerto Rico all of a sudden, because gotta have a forced Hispanic babyface)
• Gail Kim (billed from Korea because obviously you can only be Canadian if you're white)
• Molly Holly (who is relatively sensibly dressed, and thus Lawler isn't perving over her)
• Victoria (who, by the pace of her theme, I can tell is a face)
• Stacy Keibler (who probably has her Miss Hancock costume still in reserve if they ever have a sexy teacher theme)

That's it? Just seven women in this battle royal? Oh yeah, because it's a women's battle royal you don't have to go over the rope. We're in mindless scuffle mode already, and fans want puppies. They get some as Nidia is de-shirted, just before she's kicked out by Jazz. Victoria treats Jazz to a back suplex (wow, an actual wrestling move!) before she scuffles with Molly. Then Victoria ducks a lariat and slides into a dropkick to send Jazz off the apron. Two birds, one stone! Gail Kim's turn to scrap with Victoria and tries to headscissors her out, but Victoria holds on and Gail doesn't. I hate whenever I have to put Gail Kim in this thread. She deserved better.

Trish vs. Stacy now, with ROPE CHOKING and that boot choke Stacy always does. Molly stops Stacy from eliminating Trish which feels unwise. They get together to do a double suplex on Stacy but Victoria catches her. Trish's skirt is way too high. That boot choke again. Then the Molly/Trish alliance resumes as they conspire to catapult Victoria out. Trish uses the ropes to damage Stacy's famous legs, Molly hits a suplex (wrestling move!) before Trish chokes Stacy with her own hair ribbons. Trish holds Stacy back for Molly but You Kn... wait, no you don't, Stacy just fights out on her own. Trish is barely clinging on to her spot but survives. Molly eliminates Stacy, leaving two heels, and then Trish eliminates Molly to retain.

Total mindless nonsense designed to appeal to, again, horny teens.

I haven't seen this but did Lawler make reference to Molly Holly's "granny panties"? He did that a few times during her match at WrestleMania that year. She was basically the new version of RTC Ivory.

 

[Samoa Looch]

Entry #852
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hollywood Hogan
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - January 4, 1999​

A match that's being introduced by Michael Buffer.

I never really thought about it, but damn... they even brought Buffer in for this and I'm sure even at that point he didn't cost just two hot dogs and a coke. Such a huge stinky ball of "What are we even doing?"-Garbage.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #854
Scott Hall vs. Bradshaw
WWF Backlash - April 21, 2002​

For our next stop in the cleanup, we head to 2002. On the show where Hogan won the World Title (which, with a 2.75/10 rating from the hivemind, could have easily made it on had I the time to fit it in), we get this 1.82/10 thing. Scott Hall's WWE run in 2002, as I remember it, was rooooooough. This is the roooooooughest part of it.

Hall comes out with X-Pac who's wearing Kane's mask. Bradshaw's clearly outnumbered in that case, but Faarooq shows up for a second playing of the APA music. They'd of course been broken up by the first Draft, but PPVs are co-branded babyyyyy. Hall does his toothpick thing so Bradshaw starts throwing hands. He counters a back body drop attempt with a forearm club and DDTs Hall for two. Fans are chanting "X-Pac sucks" because he was so overpushed at this time even his appearance at ringside was offensive to them. Hall goes to the outside, but doesn't realise he's right next to Faarooq, who gets his shit in and even downs X-Pac to a big pop.

Bradshaw's overwhelming Hall and drops an elbow for two. More brawling and then a vertical suplex. Hall's stumbling selling is really fun. He eventually manages to get a few punches off. Instead of actually following up he goes for a rope choke where X-Pac gets in a shot of his own. Hall's pounding Bradshaw hard in the corner. Bradshaw is trying to fight back but to no avail until he gets a shoulderblock. Now it's all Bradshaw with punches. JR on commentary drops the "bowling shoe ugly" line. Bradshaw avoids a corner charge and hits the Clothesline from Hell for only two because X-Pac puts Hall's foot on the rope. Faarooq chases down X-Pac and he and Bradshaw beat on him, but the distraction lets Hall hit a low blow and roll-up for the win.

Better than the neverending same old shit from WCW, honestly, but still bland and dull.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #855
Tajiri vs. Jonathan Coachman
WWE Backlash - April 18, 2004​

Two Backlashes later, the company's name has changed, but the Backlash hasn't. On the same show as the HHH/HBK/Benoit rematch and Orton/Foley, we get this absolutely wretched-looking encounter. I can smell the racism from a mile away. Tajiri was good, and yet they did this with him. Coach wasn't good, and yet they did this with him. 1.81/10 says the hivemind.

Coach kicks off with an armdrag. After a bit of a standard feeling-out, Tajiri kicks Coach's legs out from under him and goes for a spin kick to the head but Coach rolls out. On the outside, Tajiri tries it again but finds only ring post. Coach bashes Tajiri's legs some more against the post then pins for two. BIG "Coach sucks" chants. Coach continues to work the leg, pulling off a submission. When Tajiri reverses Coach grabs the ropes. Tajiri finally gets offence with a sunset flip. Coach continues to grapevine the leg, with his hand on the rope for leverage while the ref isn't looking. Tajiri escapes by kicking with his other leg, getting Coach in the nose. It still doesn't help him get an edge.

Coach goes up top but Tajiri shakes the ropes to crotch him. Coach is hung on the ropes and a limping Tajiri manages a kick ot the back of the head that smashes Coach's face against the turnbuckle. This would win but Coach grabs the ropes. Tajiri gets his kicks and a handspring elbow, rubbing the damaged leg as he goes. Monkey flip but Tajiri just bounces off, Coach tries to roll him up with feet on the ropes but the ref sees him, but he doesn't see the ref has seen him and he thinks he's won. Tarantula by Tajiri. Out comes GARRISON CADE of all the fucking people to punch Tajiri in the back of the head so Coach can roll him up for the win.

If this was meant to be a cheap "steal the win" affair, first it went far too long for that, and second it shouldn't have featured Coach working Tajiri's leg as if he were an actual wrestler. Feels like a burial.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #856
Howard Finkel vs. Lilian Garcia
Tuxedo vs. Evening Gown Match, Winner Becomes RAW's Ring Announcer
WWE Monday Night RAW - August 26, 2002​

One last bonus for today, and I'd like to thank @Stojy for drawing my attention to this. It just smacks of bad idea, doesn't it? A "match" between two non-wrestlers where there is the possibility of an objectifying stripping of a woman and the equally-disturbing possibility of exposed man-flesh. How can this be any good?

Stacy Keibler comes out and says she'll be here to stop Trish interfering. Fink says she's interfering with something in his trousers ew ew ew ew. Fink calls Lilian a hooker and shoves her over to start the match. Lilian mounts Fink. JR notes that Fink "might get aroused". The gown remains undamaged. Both of these people are just stumbling about and the crowd's burying it. Fink says another misogynistic thing so Trish and Stacy start to swarm Fink and take his clothes of. Crowd boo it because they want puppies. Fink has visible skidmarks.

It's a shame the bottom 25 is so strong, because this is so offputting in every way it could have fit once upon a time.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #857
Bobby Lashley vs. Sami Zayn
WWE Money in the Bank - June 17, 2018​

Next up in our big cleanup we've got this thing! This was part of the infamous feud where Sami brought out Bobby Lashley's "sisters" to do a version of the This Is Your Life bit that's somehow worse? Also it gave Max Caster his first TV which would have been a positive two years ago but now very much is not. There's also the part, a lot lesser known, where Sami accused Lashley of stolen valor and made him do a military assault course, because fuck it, RAW is 3 hours, gotta have something. The blowoff is this match, and I don't think these two ever had a good match together. 1.74/10 says the hivemind. Are they right?

Sami kicks off by stalling on the outside. The Chicago crowd is, naturally, very into Sami despite him being the heel. Eventually Lashley chases him and Sami tries to get a shot in but Lashley's just too powerful. He finally takes the edge by raking the eyes. He boots Lashley out, then eventually follows him TO THE OUTSIDE and bashes him into some ring posts. Back in the ring Sami fires some rights over Lashley's face. Crowd chants "Bobby's sisters".

Eventually Lashley catches a fist and clotheslines him down. Sami tries to crossbody a larger man and eats a fallaway slam. A few corner charges follow. Sami manages to escape Lashley's offence momentarily, but eats a spinebuster. Stalling suplex, and the crowd chants "one more time", so Lashley does a backbreaker rack before hitting a second. Another backbreaker, another stalling suplex, and Lashley wins with just a palm on the chest.

A somewhat disappointing match but nowhere near as bad as Cagematch rates it to be. I get the feeling that this got rated down because Sami got beaten so badly. It's similar in style to the Generic WCW 2000 match only without the fuck finish. Maybe I've seen too many of those in a row.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #858
The Hurt Business vs. RETRIBUTION
Elimination Tag Team Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - October 26, 2020​

Speaking of Lashley, let's go have a look at this! RETRIBUTION were a joke, weren't they? Mustafa Ali made a few friends in NXT, put them in silly masks and gave them silly names, and there go several WWE careers in one fell swoop, huh? Conveniently there were four male members to take on (and get jobbed to) all four of the Hurt Business. 1.48/10 says the hivemind. By the way, pre-match the Business cut a bit of a promo in front of screens. MVP's the only guy who can talk but they give Lashley and Shelton the mic briefly.

Lashley vs. T-BAR to start with, and Lashley bashes T-BAR in the corner. And I already can't with these fucking Kevin Dunn camera cuts. Too damn much. Eventually T-BAR gets a boot up and gets all punchy-punchy. Lashley ducks a clothesline and hits a shoulderblock. T-BAR charges Lashley in the corner but Lashley hits the Flatliner. That mask's already falling apart. MVP now to give T-BAR what for, but he's distracted by Ali and T-BAR takes the advantage. MACE and SLAPJACK (yes, the all-caps is necessary) get their shit in. Soon MVP trips SLAPJACK into the bottom turnbuckle and boots him. Suplex by MVP for two.

And then... oh yeah, this is the match with that spot. RECKONING (who is Mia Yim. Yeah, we've somehow found a worse name for her than "Michin", to the point that I'm not even going to use it for her) is up on the apron, distracting MVP. She starts to act like she has something on her skin, screams, and has a fit on the mat. SLAPJACK uses the distraction to roll up MVP and eliminate him. Yim keeps up the fucking awful act until we go to an ad break. That, I'm guessing, is why this match belongs here.

One ad break later, it turns out it was a fake, but it's not done much as SLAPJACK is getting physically overwhelmed by Lashley. SLAPJACK gets a boot up in the corner a couple of times but gets caught, tossed, and speared to remove him from the match. T-BAR comes in to hoss it up with Lashley, and they go TO THE OUTSIDE to brawl over the barricade. So hard, in fact, that they both get counted out. Now down to 2-on-2. Cedric Alexander against MACE who hits a pretty nice kick. He's one of those guys who's big and can bring intensity with pace, he's quite fun to watch. MACE denies a tag to Shelton, so Alexander takes out Ali. We finally get a tag to Shelton, and Neuralyzer followed by Pay Dirt takes MACE out.

And now my shift key can get some rest because it's only Ali left on Team Dork. He's the first man to be genuinely threatened by 2020 Shelton Benjamin. He tries to crossbody a larger man and eats a fallaway slam. Now Alexander is dominating Ali, who's probably reminiscing about the times they fought on 205 Live. Ali dropkicks Shelton off the apron but gets back body dropped with some SERIOUS height. TO THE OUTSIDE we go again, where Ali grabs a chair and gets DQ'd. The rest of the Hurt Business get together to scare Ali off through the screens.

RETRIBUTION were a joke, weren't they? All time burial stable. That combined with the dreadful Mia Yim spot makes this really earn its bad match stripes. Heh, spots and stripes.