Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #789
Friar Ferguson vs. Chris Duffy
WWF Monday Night RAW - April 12, 1993​

Next was going to be another Bushwhackers match... but the Network autoplayed the next RAW, and this was on it. And what other opportunity will I get to watch a match involving FRIAR FERGUSON? The mad monk who danced about and offended "Catholic interest groups" (and I put it in quotes because from what I can see, the vast majority of "Catholic interest groups" are tied to the mob. So they were threatened by the mob). Let's have a look.

Ferguson's taken an oath of silence so he wears a notepad with "Monk " written on it. That could have been a Sign Guy gimmick. He drinks some monk-brewed alcohol out of a flagon. The power difference here is noticeable instantly. Duffy rakes the eyes and tries to go for the piledriver but Ferguson backdrops him off and gives a leg drop. He pulls the ropes to send Duffy to the outside. Duffy's back in and is tossed about. Ferguson does a wiggly-knees monk dance while Bartlett (he's back) speculates on whether monks are the reason why wrestlers call each other "brother". Splash for two, but Ferguson lifts off the pin to bash him around more. This is dragging like hell.

ROPE CHOKING while holding Duffy's head under his habit. "We want Bret" chants. The DEADLY DOUBLE NERVE PINCH is applied. Duffy has to go to the eyes again to escape. This is flopping like a motherfucker. MORE ROPE CHOKING! Duffy tries to sunset flip a larger man, and then becomes the first WWF victim of the Trip to the Batcave. Ferguson takes a victory swig from his flagon.

That was completely irredeemable. No one cared, the gimmick was shit, the wrestler himself was even more shit, and it was a squash that went too long.

 

[Death By Looch]

Entry #784
The Bushwhackers vs. Repo Man/Damien Demento
WWF Monday Night RAW - March 22, 1993​

Okay.

I've been doing what feels like too many Bushwhackers matches in this thread, and when I started this cleanup of the Cagematch low-rated matches, I was expecting to find maybe one more Bushwhackers match. Try FIVE. Five more matches' worth of Luke and Butch inflicting what they think is comedy on jobbers and lower-card nobodies. Thankfully it was mostly on RAW and not on PPV by this point, but that's still worse than nothing. Also, a surprise appearance by the man from the outer reaches of your mind (and with no sense of humour), Damien Demento!

Jobber entrance for the heels. The Kiwis are up on the balcony, mingling with fans as if this is the Hammerstein (it's actually the Grand Ballroom next door). It takes the entirety of an ad break to even get them to the ring. They'd fit right in in 2024. They stumble over the guardrail. Also, there's an older and heavier-set ring girl than you'd expect, whom they lick. They then waste time by licking each other's heads. We start with Demento against, apparently, Butch. Demento misses a corner charge but gets bitten on the ass. Repo comes in for the save but Luke bites HIM on the ass. COMEDY! They send both heels crashing into each other then march around the ring wasting more time.

Repo makes an illegal non-tag while the ref is distracted, and starts whipping Luke. They do another ref distraction spot and I just feel nothing. I'm numb. Fish-hooking by Demento, followed by some non-contact punches and a bite of his own. Crowd is devastatingly quiet as Demento does a single-leg Jeff Hardy nutshot. Repo's punches also look terrible. At least he hasn't bitten anyone. Double down for no reason other than a double down. Cold tag to Butch who does some stuff, I guess, and knocks some heel heads together. Kiwis go for a double clothesline but Repo trips one of them. Structure collapses before our eyes. Visual pinfall, which the ref could have seen easily. Are we supposed to believe the ref is blind? Anyway Repo elbow drops Demento by mistake and the Battering Ram finishes it.

does the Bushwhacker arm walk, stone-faced and clearly bereft of hope

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #790
The Bushwhackers/The Macho Midget vs. Blake Beverly/The Brooklyn Brawler/Little Louie
WWF Monday Night RAW - August 9, 1993​

Yes, you are reading correctly. The MACHO MIDGET. The mini-mascot of Randy Savage who needed a way to neutralise heel Doink and his mirror self. He helped Savage a bit, but his only actual match was this unrelated affair involving the Bushwhackers. Also his mask looked positively inhuman. Look at his mask. LOOK AT IT.

Anyway, 1.00/10, let's see if it's fair, yadda yadda. We get a bit of a Macho Midget variety show as he moonwalks and breakdances. Luke vs. Blake to start, and Luke starts making his opponent look stupid. DOUBLE ASS BITE SPOT with the minis also involved. They do the exact same spot as that Bushwhacker/mini match I did earlier. Because the Macho Midget is Tiger Jackson. Who also played Dink. Louie exploits his power advantage. They do a criss-cross spot, but Macho stops and goes for a rest, before going for a bit of a jog with Louie and dropkicking him again.

Now Blake and Butch, and Butch knees Blake in the cock. Brawler elbows Blake by mistake and heels get their noggins knocked. They then repeat another spot, this time the minis-running-over-an-armbar spot. Blake argues with Louie. Test of strength between the little people but Macho is overpowered and Louie gets some two-counts. They repeat the ref/Louie hot potato spot. Finally we get a cold tag with Butch vs. Brawler. Heels getting wrecked, Battering Ram wipes out Blake. There's still one spot left to repeat - the little person getting a top rope splash for the three. Despite said little person not being the legal man.

 

[Emb]

You should watch The Bushwhackers pre-WWF. The Sheepherders were actually good.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #791
The Bushwhackers vs. The Quebecers
WWF Monday Night RAW - March 21, 1994​

As 1993 continues to 1994, the Bushwhacker badness continues unabated. Watch Jacques Rougeau have an attack of WrestleMania 5 PTSD as he faces the Kiwis again, in a match the hivemind calls a 1.42/10. Dear fucking Christ.

Holy shit, it's Johnny Polo! After the tag champs get smashed out of the ring, the Kiwis threaten Polo. Then the Quebecers punish the Bushwhackers for playing to the crowd... oh wait no, they're doing that Irish whip do-si-do spot, and then a noggin knock. Quebecer #1 is clotheslined out of the ring and #2 is pinned for two. #1 going in for the breakup attacks #2 by mistake. Could these tag teams at least have the decency to look different from a distance? Kiwi #1 is holding back a Canadian for Kiwi #2 to attack but You Know This Spot. Then You Know This Spot again, but this time with a Quebecer and Johnny Polo. This is a sign that you've run out of things to do and should go home.

The camera loses signal and by the time we're back a Bushwhacker gets a visual pinfall. After a bit more stalling, it's time for a heat segment. From a babyface team. This is apparently Jacques, and it's some really basic tag team heat that he's taking. On goes the chinlock, because if you can't wrestle and you can't do comedy, maybe you can do a rest hold. Jacques counters, slams, and brings in Pierre... who spends some more time getting wrecked. Butch fist drop for a pin attempt that was presumably two, because we go to a break.

Post-break, it's a heel heat segment now as Pierre is beating on Luke. Jacques slams Pierre on to Luke but Butch breaks it up. ROPE CHOKING! Jacques talks about the USA sucking. There are no Americans in this match. Jacques backdrops Pierre on Luke for two. Luke takes another double team move which gives a visual pinfall to the heels, which is an interesting choice. Eventually Luke gets the boot up on a flying nothing and it's cold tag time. Butch gets both guys down on the ground, the Kiwis whip the Quebecers into each other, Battering Ram on both guys for the win... wait no, visual pin, and Johnny Polo interferes. The Bushwhackers try to shoot down Polo but Pierre hits a knee to finish off this dreadful match.

How to start off a New Era that WrestleMania 10 apparently began? With the immobile useless Bushwhackers going TEN WHOLE MINUTES. Even the most receptive mark crowd got tired of it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #792
The Bushwhackers vs. Barry Hardy/Bert Centeno
WWF Monday Night RAW - September 12, 1994​

I'm gonna have a fucking aneurysm. Why, in 1994, were the Bushwhackers not only getting matches, but JOBBER SHOWCASE MATCHES? That MAIN EVENTED RAW???? Thankfully this is the last of them in my remaining list of suckage. 1.00/10 says the hivemind, and I doubt they're wrong.

Someone in the crowd has blacked up for this special occasion. Must be a Roddy Piper fan. Kick off with stalling and playing to the crowd. Hardy and Centeno get a few shots in but the Bushwhackers make Hardy look like an idiot and eye poke him. They bite him on the ass as Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz wanders the crowd. Centeno ducks a double clothesline but not the run-back. More playing to the crowd. Centeno tries to get some shots in but gets countered and stomped on the foot.

Visual pinfall by whichever Bushwhacker this is. Hardy tries to break up the pin, Luke (for apparently it is) dodges it. Butch shoves Hardy on Centeno and Luke stacks 'em and pins 'em, Butch tries to give a count but the ref reminds him who's in charge. I think that would have been a fun spot if it were a team that didn't make me want to claw my eyes out. Butch licks the ref. Okay, back to the match. Centeno's getting worked in the corner. Crowd isn't as into the match as the WWF would hope so Butch stomps the mat to rile them up. Butch does his knee lift to the cock. Battering Ram finishes it.

AND WE ARE DONE. I never want to see a Bushwhackers match again.