Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Skyefire]

Entry #765
Stevie Ray vs. Vincent
Harlem Street Fight for the nWo B-Team Leadership
WCW Uncensored - March 14, 1999​

One year later they were STILL doing Uncensored? Really, dudes? Really? There's a trio of turds from this show I want to cover here, and this was the first. To determine the leadership of the job squad of the reunited nWo, it's two of the jobbiest! Vincent and Stevie Ray!

Commentary wonders what Brian Adams, Horace and Norton think of these two being the contenders for the B-Team leadership. Vincent gets shoved, takes some shitty looking shots, and eats a big boot. Sloppy pull-the-ropes-down spot, then TO THE OUTSIDE we go for BOTO against the rails. Stevie overpowers Vincent, whips him into a rail, and OUT TO THE CROWD! Walk-and-brawl ensues. Stevie tosses Vincent on to some empty seats then has an extended argument with WCW staff. Back to ringside as Vincent stumbles down steps then gives Stevie a back body drop. This becomes utterly heatless as soon as they leave the crowd.

Back in the ring Vincent hits a top rope fist drop for two. Stevie gets a boot up for his second fist drop attempt and starts brawling at Vincent. There's a bizarre sequence where Stevie seems to be setting up an atomic drop, doesn't get his knee up, Vincent goes into the turnbuckle, then Stevie starts selling being hit by... the back of Vincent's head, I guess? This is good enough for a double down to let Horace come out and pass a slapjack into no man's land (because he's the leader and it doesn't matter whom he faces). Vincent takes it but Stevie kicks him to make him let go, then hits him with the Slapjack (his move, not the weapon) for the three.

This isn't wrestling. It's basically anti-wrestling. So boring, so telling that the crowd didn't give a damn until they brawled into the stands (because the fans are braying morons who care about nothing more than being on TV), and then they botched the finish hard. Awful stuff.

So they had a match to be the leader of the nWo B-team? That's like if Solo Sikoa fought Jacob Fatu to be the leader of the Bloodline B-Team.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #768
The Georgia Brawl Battle Royal
WCW Clash of the Champions XVI - September 5, 1991​

I've been pretty clear that my major inspiration for this thread was the "Worst in the World" series, and now I've almost covered everything in the first 100 (which is made up of minus Meltzer star matches). The last few are from old editions of Clash of the Champions. This isn't one of them, but it's a DUD on the same show. And it's a battle royal, so it's good for the statistics. Who's in this Georgia Brawl, you ask?

• The Z-Man (with his third of the Six-Man Tag Team Titles)
• Thomas Rich
• Bobby Eaton
• Ranger Ross
• Tracy Smothers
• Oz (not even bothering with most of his gimmick except for the cape)
• PN News
• Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker
• Steve Austin
• Dustin Rhodes
• Terrence Taylor
• Big Josh
• Barry Windham
• The One Man Gang
• El Gigante

That's a real mixup of genuine talents being wasted and total losers. WCW '91 in a nutshell. Anyway, it's a battle royal so it's impossible to really commentate. Commentary points out how Austin and Zenk are both in a TV Title match later tonight. El Gigante is choking Taylor. Josh and Zenk are doing a hold-back double team on Oz, but You Know... wait, they're not doing that spot. Gang and News are doing a fat guy fight. Gigante has Sarge choked on the corner but doesn't toss him. On the outside, Lady Blossom is bouncing around in support of Austin. "Gang's been playing it smart" says Schiavone, as Gang is getting beaten up in the middle. A scrap on the apron comes to nothing.

A genuinely okay spot shows up to mar this dull nothing-fest with acceptableness, as Big Josh skins the cat for just long enough to headscissors Taylor out. Also Ranger Ross is out behind them. Rich gets removed offscreen, because the elimination of Sarge is more important. Everyone gets together to crush Oz and Gang. Zenk is eliminated offscreen, but still gets some punches in from the entrance walkway. Smothers gone. Something happens between Dustin and Oz and I've got no idea, all I know is it was botched. Gang tosses Eaton out. News gone. Windham and Austin eliminate each other and scrap on the outside.

Final four is Dustin Rhodes and three big guys. What the fuck is Oz still doing here? He and Gang smash Dustin together, and go for Gigante but he fights back. He can do basically no moves so he just punches and does the deadly brain claw. Finally Dustin gets mercy killed, and the other two guys are celebrating in front of the ropes but Gigante clotheslines them both out. But Oz botches falling out somehow. A fitting end.

Maybe battles royal are all just dogshit.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #769
Van Hammer vs. Terrance Taylor
WCW Clash of the Champions XVI - September 5, 1991​

Okay, here's the MINUS 2 star mistake that brought me here. It's a Van Hammer match, so of course it sucks. He was an awful wrestler. And yet he remained employed until 2000. He's facing the Computerised Rooster.

Van Hammer shows off his skill in holding a guitar he doesn't play. Taylor hits him from behind with the York Foundation computer equipment. Hammer starts no-selling, and basically doing the Ultimate Warrior's moveset. It's so funny, and it's so stupid. Repeated clotheslines followed by shaking the ropes. It's just too obvious. Hammer hypes the crowd before going up top and not hitting a knee drop. Like, it's amazing how spectacularly he fucks it. Still gets him the win though. Hammer shakes the ropes again. Fuck off. You're not the Warrior. You're not even the Renegade.

Is this a new low for introductory squashes? Probably.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #770
The Enforcers vs. Rick Steiner/Bill Kazmaier
Tournament Final Match for the vacant WCW World Tag Team Championship
WCW Clash of the Champions XVI - September 5, 1991​

Okay, here's a DUD of a main event. At least these have been short. And judging by the length of the Network video (I'll miss the Network) I'm not getting a shitting 20 minute Time Limit Draw. Bill Kazmaier was yet another useless guy that WCW were pushing because you gotta push someone. They were basically praying Arn and Larry Z could get a decent match out of him.

The Enforcers come out with more enforcers, in ski masks and with big sticks. Kazmaier appears injured. Rick does the run-around to Larry Z, Arn hits him from behind but gets slammed. We're zero seconds in and the tag rules are being ignored. Larry Z brings the beatdown and starts working the left arm. You silly goose, he does the Steinerline with the right arm! Arn tries the same but gets punched off. JR calls what Larry Z's doing a blatant chokehold, but the ref isn't interested. Suplex for only a one-count. Rick counters an Arn suplex into one of his own. He's trying to fight out of the corner. Steinerline! Larry Z blocks a superplex attempt by Rick and Arn hits a lariat off the top. Kazmaier blind tags himself in, "in tremendous pain" according to JR to explain why he's so immobile. He lifts Larry Z but Arn hits him in the ribs and he falls with Larry Z on top of him to lose.

Well they rushed the hell out of that, didn't they? That felt like the highlights of a longer, more boring match that they thankfully truncated.

 

[Samoa Looch]

The best thing you can say about any Van Hammer match is that it's at least not Van Hammer vs. Doug Somers.

...except for that Van Hammer v Doug Somers match, of course.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #771
Rick Rude (c) vs. Road Warrior Hawk
for the WCW International World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Clash of the Champions XXV - November 10, 1993​

Next stop on the MINUS 2 star train is at this Clash! What's the WCW International Title? Well, it's the Big Gold Belt during the time WCW officially left the NWA but still got to keep the prettiest belt in wrestling. This is such a pre-nWo WCW match, just for including Singles Hawk. Let's see if it's as bad as Dave says.

Champ out first, coming out to the BEST track on WCW Slam Jam don't even @ me. Fuck off with your Man Called Sting, this is a legendary theme. A father helps his child do the Rude hip swivel. Hawk starts off by shoving Rude about, so Rude just poses. Hawk shoves Rude again. Rude complains about a hair pull despite the fact that his hair is nowhere near what it once was and not long enough to pull. We're threatened with a TEST OF STRENGTH spot for a good while, which just stalls out the match. Rude attacks Hawk finally, but the camera misses it. Hawk does some typically Hawkish underselling, tanks a few turnbuckle bashes, then smashes Rude ten times on the buckle.

Hawk seems to be concentrating his offence on the back. Or maybe I'm being too generous to his slams and stomps. Vertical suplex for two. Rude goes for the eyes then gets a backbreaker that Hawk doesn't really sell either. Up top for Rude but Hawk gets the boots up. Hawk clotheslines Rude out, they brawl on the outside, it ends on a rapid double count-out. Hawk is indignant that wrestling has rules and he wasn't allowed to just no-sell and beat up Rude forever.

What a way to start your Clash, eh? A fuck finish in a match full of nothing. Rude stalled, got murdered, and then it just ended.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #772
The Shockmaster vs. The Equalizer
WCW Clash of the Champions XXV - November 10, 1993​

Right after that non-match they dared to show this thing. And I saw this on the lineup and thought: "Surely that's a disaster waiting to happen". Absolutely no good can come of the Shockmaster (who, in the space between two Clashes, has seen his gimmick evolve from juggernaut to clumsy dumbass) vs. Dave fuckin' Sullivan. It has to be on here.

Shockmaster's theme is basically the sound of a 12 year old who can only barely play guitar. Equalizer beats him up and shoves him all around and into the corner. ROPE CHOKING! And MORE ROPE CHOKING! Some shitty looking knee kicks followed by a body avalanche. Equalizer's clawing at Uncle Fred's face. Back suplex for two. Clashing shoulderblock spots until Shockmaster gets a boot up. Equalizer has no idea how to sell so he doesn't bother. Some basic comeback ensues until Shockmaster uses his awful finisher (a bearhug... slam... thing) for the win.

Pointless match between a guy who can't wrestle and a guy who won't wrestle.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #773
Sting/Road Warrior Hawk vs. Meng/Kurasawa
WCW Clash of the Champions XXXI - August 6, 1995​

And now we come to the match where I could theoretically take the rest of the year off if I wanted. The last minus two. The last of the Dave-disapproved omnishambles to come from the WWE umbrella. But no, I won't. Because I care about you, and I want you to avoid bad wrestling. Or watch bad wrestling, if you like bad wrestling. But you shouldn't. Even I don't like bad wrestling, and I've assembled perhaps the greatest collection of bad wrestling matches in the history of the world. Here we go. And just like 771, it's Solo Hawk! Well, not really solo, because he's teaming with Sting, but Hawk's alone unless he's with Animal.

We start with a pair of big old scraps, with Sting giving some heat to Meng and Hawk giving none to Kurasawa. Both heels sent to the floor. After that Kurasawa comes in with kicks and Hawk ignores them. Hawk headbutts his opponent in the cock (no DQ). Kurasawa tries the same but is ignored. In comes Sting with the harshest inverted atomic drop I've ever seen. Kurasawa just lands full force, testicles first, on to Sting's knee. You should really watch it. Kurasawa gets some strikes before missing a knee in the corner. Sting's suplex gets two. In comes Hawk to no-sell some other things. He even makes a clothesline look zero-impact.

Hawk vs. Meng, and I'm stunned that Hawk is going out of his way to no-sell this legit tough motherfucker. This is less character and more unprofessional. Kurasawa chops Hawk's arm and gets no-sold again. TO THE OUTSIDE where Kurasawa hits an over-the-shoulder drop... slam... thing on the floor. Naturally within a few seconds Hawk gets right the fuck up. Sting and Meng try to interfere on the outside. Back in the ring Hawk continues making his opponent look stupid. Meng has to break up an inverted facelock. Now Hawk vs, Meng and Hawk hits a very rehearsed looking neckbreaker.

Now Hawk goes up top and hits a shitty splash on Kurasawa. Powerbomb for two after Meng breaks it up, which leads to Sting clotheslining Meng from the top. Structure breaks down here. It feels like Sting and Hawk are trying to do a double Irish whip on Meng, but Kurasawa is just standing there and brings Hawk away to have more of his offence eaten up. Meng's cornered for the Stinger Splash and eats a bulldog. Meng's rolled out so the faces can hit clotheslines on Kurasawa followed by a poor imitation of the Doomsday Device for the win. Post-match Kurasawa uses an armbar to snap Hawk's arm. To get his heat back. You know, if he had any heat left after being ignored by Hawk for minutes on end.

Hawk may be one of my least favourite wrestlers to watch right now. He's a relic from the bad old days of wrestling, where you got ahead by sabotaging others' careers. He dragged that match down by refusing to take anything from anyone.

 

[Chris]

Hawk is one of the worst singles performers in history, I finally feel like someone else sees it

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #774
The Renegade (c) vs. Paul Orndorff
for the WCW World Television Championship
WCW Clash of the Champions XXXI - August 6, 1995​

But that's not all there is on Clash 31. There's also this DUD featuring the Renegade! We all love the Renegade! WCW overpushed him! Then they buried him! Then he died and WCW didn't even bother to get his shoot name right! He's up against Mr. Wonderful who is in the last dying weeks of his career at this point and being asked to put this loser over.

Orndorff attacks Renegade mid-entrance but soon gets overpowered. Powerslam by Renegade and Orndorff has to roll to the outside. He waits for Renegade to play to the crowd and hits a back suplex off the top for two. Ref stops Orndorff from using the belt, but not from hitting a fancy little elbow to the throat. Chokes by Orndorff, targeting the neck to take the air away and enable the piledriver. Knee lifts against the ropes. Renegade takes a clothesline in a weird way. Orndorff argues with Jimmy Hart, and tosses Renegade outside so he lands on his feet. That's probably his equivalent of a hope spot as he can't do any actual moves. Orndorff hits a cutter over the ropes. Renegade then randomly starts no-selling (he's Renegading up!) before hitting a slingshot crossbody for a quick three.

Meh. At least Orndorff tried.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #775
Harlem Heat/Sister Sherri vs. The Stud Stable/Col. Robert Parker
WCW Clash of the Champions XXXI - August 6, 1995​

Finally for this show, we get this thing! It's one of those weird matches that Dave rated minus 1 star but the Cagematch hivemind is much kinder to - it got a 5.67/10 from there. Who's right? Let's find out. As an aside: I mention this a lot, but Col. Parker was meant to be the manager of Harlem Heat, in a concept that didn't exactly not evoke slavery. Anyway, here's a match.

Sherri's out in Harlem Heat themed gear which I like. Lotta stalling to kick off with the Heat trying to hold back Sherri from charging all the Stud Stable by herself. Stevie Ray starts by bashing Dick Slater around. He's not selling initially but then he does a stumbling sell back to the corner which I like. Stevie's raking the eyes like a true babyface. In comes Bunkhouse Buck who is someone I've never liked. It feels like there's never urgency to anything he does. He goes up top but gets crotched and dropkicked to the apron by Booker. Sherri gets a shot in. Booker misses an elbow but recovers with a Spinaroonie! That's very cool. Back to Slater and Stevie, and Stevie's no-selling headbutts. Sherri scores a cheap shot on Slater.

There's an ad break advertising a sweepstakes for a Brand New Harley-Davidson Motorcycle. The winner will be announced on the premiere of Nitro, which I'm sure is a show that never did anything of note and went away quickly.

Back from the break and Buck does a flapjack on the ropes to Booker. Slater comes in with some really deliberate heel heat as thousands at the Ocean Center have their arses bored off. Buck hits a dropkick and PUTS ON A BEARHUG because the 1970s never ended. Slater, not to be outdone, tags in and does one of his own. Ref misses a hot tag to Stevie. The Colonel wants the tag in, does some shots but Booker counters him. Harlem Heat double suplex to Parker. Sherri goes up top and hits a crossbody for two. She's going in on Parker and does the Jeff Hardy double leg drop low blow. She misses another splash though and seems out cold... but gets up, kisses Parker, and pins him! What?

This is part of the standard angle where someone gets a concussion and they're suddenly a different person (see: Young, Eric). In this case, Sherri's head bang means she's madly in love with Parker. I don't like the sound of that, but I'd need to see more to understand its awfulness. No more Heat vs. Studs matches though. This was a boring as hell match with a silly finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #776
Cactus Jack vs. Mil Mascaras
WCW Clash of the Champions X - February 6, 1990​

Okay I've now decided the course of action: I'm just going to do the rest of the <2.0/10 matches on Cagematch, to give myself some sense of completion even though I know I can never watch all the bad wrestling. This is an interesting curiosity that isn't one of those, but happens immediately before one. You think Hawk was an expert in burying whoever he wrestled? Say hello to Mr. Burial! You can count on the fingers of a multiple amputee's hand the number of people who've worked with Mil Mascaras and have anything nice to say about him, and yet here he is, on a Clash, going over one Mick Foley. He buries Mil in his book, by the way.

God, this is so old that Foley's relatively slender, and he's still going by Cactus Jack Manson. Or "Captain Jack Manson" as GMC puts it. Mil puts down Foley with a headlock and soon slaps on a bow-and-arrow hold. This actually has potential as a clash of styles, mat wrestling/lucha vs. hardcore brawling. Or it will if Mil gives him anything. He wins a test of strength and then gives Foley a headscissors. Mil gives a running headbutt and dropkicks him out. Foley becomes distracted by GMC and trips over a chair. By the way, Jim Cornette is on commentary for this one and is good fun. "Rick Steiner's so stupid, he stayed up all night studying for a urine test" and all that.

Foley tries some punches but Mil ignores them. Not like Hawk bobbing his head but quickly recovering, Mil doesn't even register them. Another test of strength which Mil converts into a Boston crab attempt that ends in a rope break. Mil sells for the first time for a turnbuckle bash. TO THE OUTSIDE we go where Foley sets up for an elbow off the apron, but Mil gets right up in a very Hogan-esque style, runs back into the ring, and bumps Foley right on to fucking concrete. You can hear the back of his head smack. Mil suplexes him back in and hits a crossbody for three.

Apparently Mil was insulted that this wasn't a squash. What do you mean it wasn't? It was. You only sold one move and made a guy nearly fucking kill himself in a match no one will remember. Fuck it.

 

[Chris]

I've never seen that match which makes me also think this might be one of the Clashes I never saw at all

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

What makes it even worse is that match had one of the best calls from both Jim Ross and Jim Cornette where they were losing their shit.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

What makes it even worse is that match had one of the best calls from both Jim Ross and Jim Cornette where they were losing their shit.

One of multiple great calls by Jim Ross after Mick Foley took a ridiculous life-shortening bump