Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #755
Hulk Hogan vs. Vader
Strap Match
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 1995​

This is an interesting one. Because it's the worst match that Dave Meltzer, bless his heart, gave THREE AND A HALF STARS. That's positive stars. Maybe people in 1995 were just morons and didn't know what entertainment looked like. This was also built around an Ultimate Surprise, who turned out to be the Renegade, a guy who couldn't wrestle. It was also built as a world title match but the title turned out to be not on the line.

The fuck are you talking about Buffer. "This match is sanctioned by the WCW board of directors" -no it isn't, that's the entire point of the show. Vader comes out with Ric Flair. Flair knocks out the ref and there's a long staredown as he and Vader try to convince Hogan to put on the strap. Out comes Renegade, and everyone pops because they think it's the Ultimate Warrior. The CD skips during his entrance. That's a real portent of disaster. He runs in like he's shit himself, chases off Vader, and intimidates and overpowers Flair (while being somehow shorter than him). Hogan and Vader are brawling on the outside and I guess that's the start of the match.

So we kick off with Hogan choking Vader with the strap. He takes off the mask (revealing the fat pieceashit underneath, or at least that's what Vader would say three years later). Back in the ring Flair is just back at ringside. More choking. There's a bit of back and forth between Flair and Renegade while Hogan's doing chokes and eye rakes to Vader. He starts using the strap as a whip, then Flair goes in and gets whipped too. Then Renegade chases him away again. Vader gets punched and tries to roll out but Renegade feeds him back in. "I've been in a strap match" -Heenan. I checked, and no he hasn't, but he's been in a chain match, against Billy Red Cloud in Dick the Bruiser's WWA. The more you know.

Vader does the GET OVER HERE to Hogan with the strap. Vader Bomb, and surely the Mastodon should try to touch the four corners? No, instead he does another strap choke to make sure the crowd Hogan is unconscious. Vader removes the strap from Hogan and uses the whole thing to attack. Out comes Jimmy Hart, apparently having been kidnapped for some reason or another to add jeopardy to a Hogan match. On the outside Vader's about to use a chair but Jimmy Hart stops him and now Hogan uses the chair with some fairly light shots. More strap whipping. Vader gives Hogan a hug for some reason. Hogan drags Vader into the ring post for a bit. Another chair shot. Meanwhile on the inside Renegade downs Flair.

Back in the ring, more strap whipping. This is fucking turgid. Hogan crotches Vader with the strap. Commentary points out the fact that at no point has anyone touched a corner. More strap whipping. Hogan slams the 450-pound sphere. Meanwhile Flair is trying to get a hold on the ring but Renegade mounts the buckle to stop him. This is so weirdly shot that it's not clear. Hogan actually tries to win by touching the corners from the outside. Vader does the ever-nebulous thing called "breaking the momentum" by dragging Hogan into the guardrail. Vader gets in a clothesline on Renegade which he no-sells.

And now back in the ring again. Chokeslam by Vader followed by a big splash. Instead of actually trying to win Vader continues whipping. He hits a suplex... Hogan gets right up! He's Hulking up! And he's whipping, followed by the leg drop. Three corners touched, and he's reaching for the fourth... out comes a masked man! He cleans up Renegade so Flair can hit Hogan with a chair. Renegade's getting beaten on, Vader's about to hit the fourth buckle... Flair stops him? He wants Vader to hit a splash on Hogan. Instead he goes for a SENTON BOMB. One which Hogan dodges. Flair removes the strap from Vader so Hogan can't win for now, and he gets a wooden chair. He smashes it over Hogan's back... no-sell, Hulk up again, thrashes Flair...

Then he ties the strap to FLAIR and wins that way. Because fuck the rules of this no-rules, hardcore, uncensored, unsanctioned but also sanctioned match. WCW, everyone.

Post-match Vader puts the beating down, while Hart and Renegade struggle to find an opening. Hogan fights them by himself before Renegade can come in with a chair. Out comes a SECOND masked man who is on team Flair/Vader... but out comes a bound and gagged Arn Anderson for some reason. Apparently he was the first masked man and whoever it is now stole the his mask? No idea. This set-piece leads the cameras to miss the second masked man laying out the bad guys and revealing himself as Randy Savage. Hogan and his friends stand tall and celebrate to end the show and IT IS OVER.

Terribly boring match which the losers lose by being idiots and then there's some dumb overbooking. Every Hogan match, basically.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #756
King Kong Bundy vs. SD Jones
WWF WrestleMania - March 31, 1985​

Our next stop will be one I've planned for a while. The original WrestleMania and what WWE describes as a milestone moment in wrestling history. Of course, it's best remembered as that and not actually watched, because let's be honest they didn't have the slightest idea what they were doing. The only real hint at the Mania pageantry we know and love is the glut of celebrities wheeled out for specifically the main. For the rest? It was basically just another MSG show. And my backlog contains five matches from Mania 1. Including this - the first ever WrestleMania DUD, according to Dave. Literally the second ever match and we've got a DUD.

Jimmy Hart looks so young. Jones leaps at Bundy who gets him right into a bear hug and sends him into the corner. Body avalanche, big splash, that's it. They announce the match time as 9 seconds... I counted, and it's 25. They wanted to break the 23-second MSG record, apparently, so they just lied. Not the last fake statistic centering on the Grandest Stage.

A squash. Marked down for the false advertising.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #757
Brutus Beefcake vs. David Sammartino
WWF WrestleMania - March 31, 1985​

Oh hey, Brutus! A rare sight of him before he was even a barber. Back in 1985 he was just a weird stripper gimmick guy. And David Sammartino is another example of the rich wrestling tradition of sons that failed to meet the expectations left by their fathers (see also David Flair). Despite his obvious shortcomings, he's on this card just so they can roll out the now basically-retired Bruno in front of an MSG crowd and get the resultant pop on TV.

And it's a really big pop. After the bell rings we get one of the hallmarks of early WWF... wasting early bell time with managers not leaving the ring. A lock-up that Beefcake wins, then more stalling. David surprises Beefcake with a drop toe hold. We then get some attempts at technical wrestling, with Beefcake not able to catch David and claiming his opponent is greased up. Front facelock by David, which eventually ends in a rope break. David counters a slam attempt by holding on to the arm, which is an awesome move that I wish an interesting wrestler would use. Fairly long headlock by Beefcake, which kicks off from a headlock takeover. Are they planning to go the full 20 minutes here? Because this is NJPW main event pacing (if not, strictly, quality).

Beefcake hits a hip toss but David kicks up at him. Soon after David locks the legs. Beefcake fights back but gets tripped and that means David can work the leg some more. He really wrings that leg. People are starting a "boring" chant, which I feel is unfair. Beefcake fights back with an eye rake and starts bullying David. A few fist drops are followed by a slam. David's trying to get the leg again but Beefcake is just too powerful. Irish whip into the corner, which David sells kind of weirdly. David eventually gets an Irish whip of his own and drops Beefcake to a fairly big pop. David's coming in with the brawling that sends Beefcake reeling. Vertical suplex for two. Brutus headbutts David right in the solar plexus and sends him outside. Luscious Johnny V slams him but Bruno makes the difference. The crowd roars as the ref throws the match out.

I don't know if it's the fact that I've watched so much empty brawling that to see a bit of technique and logical offence is incredible to me... but I actually thought that was perfectly fine. Dragged a little early on, but simple, effective, and not as unga-bunga as the big-on-big matches that will plague the WWF for the rest of the 1980s. In fact, I'm awarding it a GREEN MATCH, simply because it's Beefcake and David Sammartino and it wasn't a bad match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #758
Greg "The Hammer" Valentine (c) vs. Junkyard Dog
for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
WWF WrestleMania - March 31, 1985​

The first ever title match at WrestleMania! And yet, after this, we'll still be waiting for the first good title match at WrestleMania. The IC title is the first of three title matches tonight, and it's going to be champion Greg "Has Always Looked Over 40" Valentine vs. Dave's least favourite wrestler. He gave this half a star. Let's find out why!

Champ is not only out first, but gets a jobber entrance. JYD is one of the few wrestlers to get an individual entrance, to a song that is either "Another One Bites the Dust" if you're watching in 1985, or "Grab Them Cakes" if you're watching in 2024 on the Network. Honestly, either is acceptable. Even if one is about groping ass.

Stalling to kick off, obviously. JYD overpowers early, working the arm and countering a whip with a spinning right. Valentine misses a fist drop so JYD can do his signature headbutts. TEST OF STRENGTH SPOT which Valentine wins with a shoulder charge. Time for a bit of leg work to set up the Figure Four. JYD's selling is nowhere near Valentine's level. It often doesn't feel like he's trying. Figure Four attempt but JYD kicks off. For some reason Valentine takes it off the mat and starts brawling even though JYD is clearly better at that aspect in kayfabe. Valentine does a nice little flop off a headbutt. Jimmy Hart's distracting the ref, JYD accosts him, Valentine goes to charge from behind but You Know This Spot. JYD's rallying but Valentine gets an eye rake off and pins JYD with feet on the ropes. Tito Santana shows up and tells the ref, so the ref calls Valentine to come back in the ring. Come he does not, instead losing by count-out but keeping the strap.

Meh. Made no real impression on me.