Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #755
Hulk Hogan vs. Vader
Strap Match
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 1995​

This is an interesting one. Because it's the worst match that Dave Meltzer, bless his heart, gave THREE AND A HALF STARS. That's positive stars. Maybe people in 1995 were just morons and didn't know what entertainment looked like. This was also built around an Ultimate Surprise, who turned out to be the Renegade, a guy who couldn't wrestle. It was also built as a world title match but the title turned out to be not on the line.

The fuck are you talking about Buffer. "This match is sanctioned by the WCW board of directors" -no it isn't, that's the entire point of the show. Vader comes out with Ric Flair. Flair knocks out the ref and there's a long staredown as he and Vader try to convince Hogan to put on the strap. Out comes Renegade, and everyone pops because they think it's the Ultimate Warrior. The CD skips during his entrance. That's a real portent of disaster. He runs in like he's shit himself, chases off Vader, and intimidates and overpowers Flair (while being somehow shorter than him). Hogan and Vader are brawling on the outside and I guess that's the start of the match.

So we kick off with Hogan choking Vader with the strap. He takes off the mask (revealing the fat pieceashit underneath, or at least that's what Vader would say three years later). Back in the ring Flair is just back at ringside. More choking. There's a bit of back and forth between Flair and Renegade while Hogan's doing chokes and eye rakes to Vader. He starts using the strap as a whip, then Flair goes in and gets whipped too. Then Renegade chases him away again. Vader gets punched and tries to roll out but Renegade feeds him back in. "I've been in a strap match" -Heenan. I checked, and no he hasn't, but he's been in a chain match, against Billy Red Cloud in Dick the Bruiser's WWA. The more you know.

Vader does the GET OVER HERE to Hogan with the strap. Vader Bomb, and surely the Mastodon should try to touch the four corners? No, instead he does another strap choke to make sure the crowd Hogan is unconscious. Vader removes the strap from Hogan and uses the whole thing to attack. Out comes Jimmy Hart, apparently having been kidnapped for some reason or another to add jeopardy to a Hogan match. On the outside Vader's about to use a chair but Jimmy Hart stops him and now Hogan uses the chair with some fairly light shots. More strap whipping. Vader gives Hogan a hug for some reason. Hogan drags Vader into the ring post for a bit. Another chair shot. Meanwhile on the inside Renegade downs Flair.

Back in the ring, more strap whipping. This is fucking turgid. Hogan crotches Vader with the strap. Commentary points out the fact that at no point has anyone touched a corner. More strap whipping. Hogan slams the 450-pound sphere. Meanwhile Flair is trying to get a hold on the ring but Renegade mounts the buckle to stop him. This is so weirdly shot that it's not clear. Hogan actually tries to win by touching the corners from the outside. Vader does the ever-nebulous thing called "breaking the momentum" by dragging Hogan into the guardrail. Vader gets in a clothesline on Renegade which he no-sells.

And now back in the ring again. Chokeslam by Vader followed by a big splash. Instead of actually trying to win Vader continues whipping. He hits a suplex... Hogan gets right up! He's Hulking up! And he's whipping, followed by the leg drop. Three corners touched, and he's reaching for the fourth... out comes a masked man! He cleans up Renegade so Flair can hit Hogan with a chair. Renegade's getting beaten on, Vader's about to hit the fourth buckle... Flair stops him? He wants Vader to hit a splash on Hogan. Instead he goes for a SENTON BOMB. One which Hogan dodges. Flair removes the strap from Vader so Hogan can't win for now, and he gets a wooden chair. He smashes it over Hogan's back... no-sell, Hulk up again, thrashes Flair...

Then he ties the strap to FLAIR and wins that way. Because fuck the rules of this no-rules, hardcore, uncensored, unsanctioned but also sanctioned match. WCW, everyone.

Post-match Vader puts the beating down, while Hart and Renegade struggle to find an opening. Hogan fights them by himself before Renegade can come in with a chair. Out comes a SECOND masked man who is on team Flair/Vader... but out comes a bound and gagged Arn Anderson for some reason. Apparently he was the first masked man and whoever it is now stole the his mask? No idea. This set-piece leads the cameras to miss the second masked man laying out the bad guys and revealing himself as Randy Savage. Hogan and his friends stand tall and celebrate to end the show and IT IS OVER.

Terribly boring match which the losers lose by being idiots and then there's some dumb overbooking. Every Hogan match, basically.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #756
King Kong Bundy vs. SD Jones
WWF WrestleMania - March 31, 1985​

Our next stop will be one I've planned for a while. The original WrestleMania and what WWE describes as a milestone moment in wrestling history. Of course, it's best remembered as that and not actually watched, because let's be honest they didn't have the slightest idea what they were doing. The only real hint at the Mania pageantry we know and love is the glut of celebrities wheeled out for specifically the main. For the rest? It was basically just another MSG show. And my backlog contains five matches from Mania 1. Including this - the first ever WrestleMania DUD, according to Dave. Literally the second ever match and we've got a DUD.

Jimmy Hart looks so young. Jones leaps at Bundy who gets him right into a bear hug and sends him into the corner. Body avalanche, big splash, that's it. They announce the match time as 9 seconds... I counted, and it's 25. They wanted to break the 23-second MSG record, apparently, so they just lied. Not the last fake statistic centering on the Grandest Stage.

A squash. Marked down for the false advertising.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #757
Brutus Beefcake vs. David Sammartino
WWF WrestleMania - March 31, 1985​

Oh hey, Brutus! A rare sight of him before he was even a barber. Back in 1985 he was just a weird stripper gimmick guy. And David Sammartino is another example of the rich wrestling tradition of sons that failed to meet the expectations left by their fathers (see also David Flair). Despite his obvious shortcomings, he's on this card just so they can roll out the now basically-retired Bruno in front of an MSG crowd and get the resultant pop on TV.

And it's a really big pop. After the bell rings we get one of the hallmarks of early WWF... wasting early bell time with managers not leaving the ring. A lock-up that Beefcake wins, then more stalling. David surprises Beefcake with a drop toe hold. We then get some attempts at technical wrestling, with Beefcake not able to catch David and claiming his opponent is greased up. Front facelock by David, which eventually ends in a rope break. David counters a slam attempt by holding on to the arm, which is an awesome move that I wish an interesting wrestler would use. Fairly long headlock by Beefcake, which kicks off from a headlock takeover. Are they planning to go the full 20 minutes here? Because this is NJPW main event pacing (if not, strictly, quality).

Beefcake hits a hip toss but David kicks up at him. Soon after David locks the legs. Beefcake fights back but gets tripped and that means David can work the leg some more. He really wrings that leg. People are starting a "boring" chant, which I feel is unfair. Beefcake fights back with an eye rake and starts bullying David. A few fist drops are followed by a slam. David's trying to get the leg again but Beefcake is just too powerful. Irish whip into the corner, which David sells kind of weirdly. David eventually gets an Irish whip of his own and drops Beefcake to a fairly big pop. David's coming in with the brawling that sends Beefcake reeling. Vertical suplex for two. Brutus headbutts David right in the solar plexus and sends him outside. Luscious Johnny V slams him but Bruno makes the difference. The crowd roars as the ref throws the match out.

I don't know if it's the fact that I've watched so much empty brawling that to see a bit of technique and logical offence is incredible to me... but I actually thought that was perfectly fine. Dragged a little early on, but simple, effective, and not as unga-bunga as the big-on-big matches that will plague the WWF for the rest of the 1980s. In fact, I'm awarding it a GREEN MATCH, simply because it's Beefcake and David Sammartino and it wasn't a bad match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #758
Greg "The Hammer" Valentine (c) vs. Junkyard Dog
for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
WWF WrestleMania - March 31, 1985​

The first ever title match at WrestleMania! And yet, after this, we'll still be waiting for the first good title match at WrestleMania. The IC title is the first of three title matches tonight, and it's going to be champion Greg "Has Always Looked Over 40" Valentine vs. Dave's least favourite wrestler. He gave this half a star. Let's find out why!

Champ is not only out first, but gets a jobber entrance. JYD is one of the few wrestlers to get an individual entrance, to a song that is either "Another One Bites the Dust" if you're watching in 1985, or "Grab Them Cakes" if you're watching in 2024 on the Network. Honestly, either is acceptable. Even if one is about groping ass.

Stalling to kick off, obviously. JYD overpowers early, working the arm and countering a whip with a spinning right. Valentine misses a fist drop so JYD can do his signature headbutts. TEST OF STRENGTH SPOT which Valentine wins with a shoulder charge. Time for a bit of leg work to set up the Figure Four. JYD's selling is nowhere near Valentine's level. It often doesn't feel like he's trying. Figure Four attempt but JYD kicks off. For some reason Valentine takes it off the mat and starts brawling even though JYD is clearly better at that aspect in kayfabe. Valentine does a nice little flop off a headbutt. Jimmy Hart's distracting the ref, JYD accosts him, Valentine goes to charge from behind but You Know This Spot. JYD's rallying but Valentine gets an eye rake off and pins JYD with feet on the ropes. Tito Santana shows up and tells the ref, so the ref calls Valentine to come back in the ring. Come he does not, instead losing by count-out but keeping the strap.

Meh. Made no real impression on me.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #759
Andre the Giant vs. Big John Studd
Career vs. $15000 Bodyslam Challenge
WWF WrestleMania - March 31, 1985​

After an unscheduled break (thanks to my mouse deciding it didn't want to work properly for a while) we're back to Mania 1! And it's a match I've been dreading. Because if you know me, you know I really don't like the "first to do a move wins" stip. It's just the fact that... well, fuck. Watching wrestlers struggle to do something they could do on a dime usually is lame, isn't it? Will this be Andre's retirement? Remind me, what was the main event of Mania 3 again?

Studd starts to lay in with forearm clubs, and he certainly does lay them in pretty damn heavily. Andre fights right back with chops and soon Studd is stalling on the floor. Back in the ring Andre does his corner choke. He shows incredible athleticism by Andre standards with a knee lift. Then... the BIG LEAN-BACK. Studd goes low and tries to slam Andre but it's not happening. BEARHUG! Because Andre peaked in the 1970s! About a minute in Studd tries a headlock to get Andre off but it doesn't work. About a minute and a half in Andre switches it up, attacking the back and... using a headlock. So much for psychology or story. Is it just me or do Andre's strikes suck cock? Andre can't decide what body part he's working. He catches a kick, kicks out Studd's leg, and goes for more cornered stuff. More leg attacks, then Andre slams Studd to abruptly end it. He starts to throw the money into the crowd until Heenan steals it and runs.

Bewildering stuff. Five minutes of stand-up nothing and then the climactic slam just happens. And yet people were entertained by this. Even people who can be trusted to use a real metal fork unsupervised.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #760
Leilani Kai (c) vs. Wendi Richter
for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF WrestleMania - March 31, 1985​

For the last stop at Mania 1, we've got the first ever MINUS STAR match at WrestleMania! This was the Rock and Wrestling Connection, when Cyndi Lauper showed up and that suddenly made wrestling mainstream apparently. I don't know, I only skimmed the WWE documentaries. This one sank to the level of MINUS 2 stars. Did Dave just hate women's wrestling like he does now, or is it really that bad?

Champ out first, because the challenger actually has an entrance music. Moolah is in Leilani's corner, as if we needed a reminder of why women's wrestling needed Cyndi Lauper to get back on its feet again. The dub theme for Wendi Richter is nowhere near as good as JYD's or even Hogan's. It sounds like a rejected Sonic the Hedgehog level theme.

We kick off with yet another reminder that Moolah trained these women... HAIR PULLING! Hair pulling everywhere! Wendi does an awful looking punch and Leilani throws herself a mile back. Hair toss to the mat from Wendi. Leilani tries to control the arm but Wendi reverses and gets a hammerlock. Leilani's tapping a shit ton, which is weird to see in the modern day where tapping means submission. Wendi just keeps controlling that arm. This threatens to be actual wrestling until Leilani unleashes the hair-mares. She controls an arm now, but it's nowhere near as smooth and Wendi takes a year to fall down off it. More hair-grabbing. Somehow the ref doesn't notice until the fifth hair toss. Leilani goes for a grounded choke but Wendi counters with a body scissors.

Wendi gets picked up by the hair but comes out on top. Goes for a few pins off takeovers, but nothing. Wendi is the master of the delayed sell. Leilani does more hair pulling. Wendi gets both boots up on a corner charge and pins for two. She ends up hanging over the bottom rope, and Moolah tries to attack (with what else but hair-pulling) until Lauper fights her off. Leilani gets a big boot but Wendi recovers and hits a fireman's carry... something. I'd call it a "reverse AA" because Leilani comes down on the same side she was lifted up. She then hits a shitty looking splash for two. Leilani gets knees up in the corner and tries a pin for two, followed by a backbreaker for two. She goes up top and the finish is a crossbody/roll-through spot, except the roll-through looks like total shite. Anyway, new champ. Bit of a scrap afterward, but new champ.

Yeah that was no good. Noooooo good at all. What a state. So uncoordinated.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #761
Roddy Piper (c) vs. Scott Hall
for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship
WCW SuperBrawl IX - February 21, 1999​

Next up we've got a match that got MINUS 1.25 stars from Dave. Scott Hall, fresh from making Rey Misterio Jr. unmask in what was probably the second biggest travesty of the night, challenges old fart Piper for the US title in what is probably the biggest. Let's unpack it.

Hall takes a good year to come out, with Disco Inferno (sweet Jesus why) being the one to herald his presence. Big amount of stalling and shirt-removing until Piper pulls off his kilt and smothers Hall's face with it. After more stand-up brawling he chokes Hall with the kilt tie. He claps the ears and does some allegedly-boxing-related jabs until Hall collapses. Slow neckbreaker by Piper only gets a one-count. Something really awkward happens where Hall's trying to armdrag Piper with a handful of hair, but Piper just stands there, lets Hall drop, and grabs the hair instead. Piper deals with Disco on the apron before hitting a pair of atomic drops (which Hall doesn't bend his knees for so they only hit air).

Both guys take it in turns to poke the eyes. Hall trips Piper to the ropes and TO THE OUTSIDE we go for a bit of step-bashing by Hall. Piper's on the ropes, calling Hall to hit him again... Piper gets some shots in of his own. Including a low blow right in front of the ref's face. And then Hall does one too. Hall puts Piper in the Tree of Woe, stomping before distracting the ref so Disco can get a choke in. On goes an abdominal stretch by Hall, with Disco holding Hall's hand for leverage. Piper manages to toss him off but misses an elbow. Hall mounts Piper into the corner but Piper puts on a sleeper. He's fading but Disco interferes. Piper fights off both men. Kevin Nash interferes and Piper botches a kick-the-ropes crotch spot. Hall wins with a foot-on-the-ropes pin. Even after all that, Piper's standing tall in the middle of the ring until Nash and Hall swarm him again.

Late Piper might be just as bad as late Hogan. Immobile for years and years, but ridiculously protected. This match was a sad watch.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #762
Dusty Rhodes vs. Big Boss Man
WWF Saturday Night's Main Event XXIV - November 25, 1989​

Next up, something that got MINUS 1.5 stars from Dave. A whole star less than the infamous Andre vs. Warrior match on this same show. WWF Dusty wasn't a great time for him. The polka dots, the literal plumber sketches, Sapphire. Let's see how this one goes.

Mid-Boss Man entrance Dusty does a promo and I kind of hate it. Feels like someone doing an impression of a good Dusty promo from the territory days. We kick off with the requisite stalling. Slick pulls out his manager license to demonstrate that he shouldn't be sent to the back. Everything Boss Man does feels so pulled and so weak. He gets the punches from Dusty but takes the lead with a trip on the ropes. TO THE OUTSIDE where we get a shot of... oh hey, Sapphire, in one of her early appearances as a Dusty fan. Dusty tries to accost Slick but takes a forearm club from Boss Man. I notice now that he's got a Confederate flag on his sleeve.

Boss Man starts to work the arm. By kicking it. In a weirdly pulled manner. Dusty starts no-selling and comes in with punches, but falls to a pretty shit-looking knee. A bit more arm work until Dusty stops selling again. Boss Man misses a corner charge (taking a ring rope to the dick) and so begins Dusty's comeback. Dusty misses an elbow though so it's Boss Man again. BODY GUILLOTINE! Slick grabs the nightstick but is too busy arguing with Sapphire to pass it to Boss Man and Dusty wins off the deadly roll-up. Dusty has claimed the nightstick, and calls Sapphire into the ring to join the celebrations.

Yeah, that was certainly not good. It was mostly Boss Man on top but everything he did looked mediocre at best.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #763
Lex Luger vs. Scott Steiner
WCW Uncensored - March 15, 1998​

One of the greatest oddities of WCW, for me, is the fact that they kept putting on WCW Uncensored shows, considering the crapfests that were the first and second editions. Like, how fucking dare you put this on for us FOUR more times. Thankfully Uncensored became a bit more of a regular WCW event after that, but sadly that didn't mean there weren't bad matches. Like this dud. Steiner has recently joined the nWo and betrayed his brother, but he's not quite Big Poppa Pump yet so he's not all that. He's up against the previous roidhead of WCW! Let's go.

Steiner gets the early edge. I saw one OSW Review clip and I can't get over the fact that Luger shouts AARGH with every shot he takes. Steiner hasn't yet worked out his spots (the elbow and push-ups) so he does the elbow and goes to rope choking. TO THE OUTSIDE for your favourite BOTO spots. Steiner tries to suplex Luger back into the ring but Luger counters and drops him out. Luger sends Steiner into the front row with a whip. Back in the ring, inverted atomic nutshot, clotheslines, and a mistimed powerslam. Torture Rack seems to be coming but Steiner gets a cheeky little kick to the dick. Steiner Recliner attempt but Luger's under the ropes. So Steiner shoves Dave Penzer and takes his chair. Brother Rick shows up to distract Scott enough for Luger to get a clothesline to the back of the head and pin. Scott bumps the ref to get his heat back but Rick prevents a chair shot and tosses him out. Oh and Scott Norton was there.

A nothing match with a weird finish. Way to kill Scott Steiner's heat as soon as he turns.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #764
Hollywood Hogan vs. Randy Savage
Steel Cage Match
WCW Uncensored - March 15, 1998​

And now for the main event, which earned MINUS 1.5 stars back in the day. Where's World Champion Sting? Oh, he's in the semi-main, because clearly Hogan reliving the glory days is more important. Anyway, Hogan and Savage are both nWo but they don't like each other any more because reasons.

First problem with this match: The cage. It's not only really short, like the blue cage, it's also really hard to see through. Helps that they DIMMED THE FUCKING LIGHTS. I'll see what I can make out. Okay so Hogan's brawling and doing a boot choke and hitting a punch that visibly misses. I don't know, Hogan's just doing his usual heel shit. Rope choking, back raking, big boot but no leg drop. MORE BOOT CHOKING! Hogan insults a fan's mother. It's all just so generic and so rubbish. Hogan slams Savage and goes for an elbow but he misses, which lets the Macho Man get a bit of shine. He does this with brawling and boot choking. And shirt choking.

Hogan gets an eye rake and begins using the damn weight belt again. Crowd really doesn't give much of a shit. After an eternity of belt slapping, Hogan wants the leg drop, but Savage rolls away. Now Savage has the weight belt. The problem is that this really isn't a clash of styles. Both guys are pretty much wrestling the same and it's just such shite. Generic brawl style. Savage gets a two-count off a cage bash. Hogan blades, and they don't really address it on commentary beyond saying "Hogan is wounded". Hogan gives Savage a back body drop into the cage so he can blade too. Soon after he puts Savage over his shoulder and sends him into the cage again. At least Savage's selling is watchable. Cage tossing is followed by BOOT CHOKING.

We now leave the cage for some reason. Schiavone seems to think it's an escape match, and nobody told him it wasn't. It lasts about ten seconds before they're back in. Savage blocks a cage bash and hits Hogan with one for a double down. But Savage starts no-selling! He's Macho-ing up! He wakes up the crowd with a double axe handle off the cage! It only gets two though. Savage is setting up for the flying elbow off the top of the cage but out comes the Disciple! He decks the outside ref, gets the cage keys, and then bumps the other ref. Savage is outnumbered 2-on-1, Sting comes down from the rafters to make the save, big standoff... and then Savage attacks Sting for no reason. He's not on Sting's OR Hogan's side. Sting eats a piledriver, Savage spits on Hogan. That's it. No contest, I guess. In a cage match.

What bullshit that was. Dishwater dull match with a lame non-finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #765
Stevie Ray vs. Vincent
Harlem Street Fight for the nWo B-Team Leadership
WCW Uncensored - March 14, 1999​

One year later they were STILL doing Uncensored? Really, dudes? Really? There's a trio of turds from this show I want to cover here, and this was the first. To determine the leadership of the job squad of the reunited nWo, it's two of the jobbiest! Vincent and Stevie Ray!

Commentary wonders what Brian Adams, Horace and Norton think of these two being the contenders for the B-Team leadership. Vincent gets shoved, takes some shitty looking shots, and eats a big boot. Sloppy pull-the-ropes-down spot, then TO THE OUTSIDE we go for BOTO against the rails. Stevie overpowers Vincent, whips him into a rail, and OUT TO THE CROWD! Walk-and-brawl ensues. Stevie tosses Vincent on to some empty seats then has an extended argument with WCW staff. Back to ringside as Vincent stumbles down steps then gives Stevie a back body drop. This becomes utterly heatless as soon as they leave the crowd.

Back in the ring Vincent hits a top rope fist drop for two. Stevie gets a boot up for his second fist drop attempt and starts brawling at Vincent. There's a bizarre sequence where Stevie seems to be setting up an atomic drop, doesn't get his knee up, Vincent goes into the turnbuckle, then Stevie starts selling being hit by... the back of Vincent's head, I guess? This is good enough for a double down to let Horace come out and pass a slapjack into no man's land (because he's the leader and it doesn't matter whom he faces). Vincent takes it but Stevie kicks him to make him let go, then hits him with the Slapjack (his move, not the weapon) for the three.

This isn't wrestling. It's basically anti-wrestling. So boring, so telling that the crowd didn't give a damn until they brawled into the stands (because the fans are braying morons who care about nothing more than being on TV), and then they botched the finish hard. Awful stuff.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #766
Jerry Flynn vs. Ernest "The Cat" Miller/Sonny Onoo
Handicap Match
WCW Uncensored - March 14, 1999​

Ya like martial arts? This isn't martial arts! Mr. JF is looking to take revenge against the Cat and his manager Asian Stereotype who cut off his rat tail. If you ask me, they did him a favour. This will be a "karate style match" according to Schiavone. I doubt it somehow.

We get an early appearance of Cat's awesome theme (or his farty Network dub theme depending on how you're watching). Flynn charges Cat mid-entrance and comes in with kicks and a spinning backhand chop. Onoo's distraction lets Cat take control. He wants Onoo to tag in but Onoo's not interested. Flynn hits a pretty clean belly-to-belly. He does a few decent strikes to interrupt Cat's taunting. Cat's got to rest on the outside but Flynn does a dive on top of him. Onoo kicks Flynn in the ribs to give Cat the edge. After some kicking on the outside, Cat transitions to kicking on the inside. And taunting.

Cat tosses Flynn to the outside so Onoo can get a few kicks in. Back in the ring we get a bit of karate style choking. Cat superkicks Flynn and mugs for the crowd. A spin kick downs Flynn again and finally Onoo is ready to wrestle for real. He only gets two off a pin and scrambles back to Cat when Flynn recovers. Cat does some chop drops before bringing Flynn TO THE OUTSIDE again. Oh wow, a whip into the guardrail, where have we heard that before? Ref removes a chair from Cat's hands. Flynn chases Onoo and runs into a Cat kick to the gut. Flynn gets a clothesline off. Back in, Cat uses an eye rake. He wants a tag to Onoo but Flynn rolls him up for two. Flynn whips Cat into Onoo in the corner... which counts as a tag apparently. Flynn covers Onoo for the win, despite Cat clearly breaking it up before three.

Mediocre match with yet another botched finish.

 

[Comrade Khan]

Entry #764
Hollywood Hogan vs. Randy Savage
Steel Cage Match
WCW Uncensored - March 15, 1998​

And now for the main event, which earned MINUS 1.5 stars back in the day. Where's World Champion Sting? Oh, he's in the semi-main, because clearly Hogan reliving the glory days is more important. Anyway, Hogan and Savage are both nWo but they don't like each other any more because reasons.

First problem with this match: The cage. It's not only really short, like the blue cage, it's also really hard to see through. Helps that they DIMMED THE FUCKING LIGHTS. I'll see what I can make out. Okay so Hogan's brawling and doing a boot choke and hitting a punch that visibly misses. I don't know, Hogan's just doing his usual heel shit. Rope choking, back raking, big boot but no leg drop. MORE BOOT CHOKING! Hogan insults a fan's mother. It's all just so generic and so rubbish. Hogan slams Savage and goes for an elbow but he misses, which lets the Macho Man get a bit of shine. He does this with brawling and boot choking. And shirt choking.

Hogan gets an eye rake and begins using the damn weight belt again. Crowd really doesn't give much of a shit. After an eternity of belt slapping, Hogan wants the leg drop, but Savage rolls away. Now Savage has the weight belt. The problem is that this really isn't a clash of styles. Both guys are pretty much wrestling the same and it's just such shite. Generic brawl style. Savage gets a two-count off a cage bash. Hogan blades, and they don't really address it on commentary beyond saying "Hogan is wounded". Hogan gives Savage a back body drop into the cage so he can blade too. Soon after he puts Savage over his shoulder and sends him into the cage again. At least Savage's selling is watchable. Cage tossing is followed by BOOT CHOKING.

We now leave the cage for some reason. Schiavone seems to think it's an escape match, and nobody told him it wasn't. It lasts about ten seconds before they're back in. Savage blocks a cage bash and hits Hogan with one for a double down. But Savage starts no-selling! He's Macho-ing up! He wakes up the crowd with a double axe handle off the cage! It only gets two though. Savage is setting up for the flying elbow off the top of the cage but out comes the Disciple! He decks the outside ref, gets the cage keys, and then bumps the other ref. Savage is outnumbered 2-on-1, Sting comes down from the rafters to make the save, big standoff... and then Savage attacks Sting for no reason. He's not on Sting's OR Hogan's side. Sting eats a piledriver, Savage spits on Hogan. That's it. No contest, I guess. In a cage match.

What bullshit that was. Dishwater dull match with a lame non-finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #767
Hollywood Hogan (c) vs. Ric Flair
Title vs. Career Barbed Wire Steel Cage First Blood Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Uncensored - March 14, 1999​

We'll finish off today's offering with a really weird one. First of all, that isn't even the full stipulation; if Flair wins, his position as President of WCW becomes permanent in addition to him being champ. Second, and this is the oddest part... they didn't mention blood at all in the build, except the PPV itself. This was apparently some byproduct of a Turner blading ban - they couldn't even mention the prospect of wrestlers bleeding on TV. Which means, surely, that building a First Blood match would be a stupid idea! But no, WCW. Oh yeah, there was a third part, where they didn't play up the fact that you know, Flair might be forced to retire for the millionth time, but instead talked a lot about David Flair and how Ric was a bad father. Let's endure this one.

Buffer takes forever to read out the stipulation. I'd love to hear him announcing the rules at a deathmatch tournament. Flair takes a mic and lets the ref know he doesn't want the match to end on some scratch. Referee's discretion! I thought "bleeding/not bleeding" was pretty binary, but there you go. Flair is working unnaturally heel even before this match begins. They take a while to lower the barbed wire cage after this.

So, we bein with the typical start to a match like this... shoving and a shoulderblock. And a staredown. Flair uses an eye rake and gets some chops in. Hogan recovers with a back body drop and some clotheslines. He slams Flair, hits two elbow drops, then stomps his face. GROUND CHOKING! In the corner both men chop each other. Hogan stops selling and does some punches to take over, beating Flair pillar to post until he flops. Hogan puts Flair's Figure Four on him, which can't end the match. The only way to win the match is to make your foe bleed. Which is why it's so strange that there's a ROPE BREAK. In a FIRST BLOOD BARBED WIRE CAGE MATCH. God damn.

Hogan successfully barges Flair's face into the cage, and he blades. Is that just a scratch? Well, if it was, it isn't anymore after Hogan bites the wound open and bashes Flair into the cage again, getting blood on the camera. Surely the match should be over, but nope, ref's discretion. Someone tosses toilet paper into the ring, seemingly anticipating the next spot where Hogan grabs on to Flair's trunks and exposes some old man ass. They're battling on the corner like happens on every cage match and Flair gets crotched. Hogan strips some barbed wire down to the lower level and cuts Flair open even more.

Hogan brings out the weight belt and whips Flair with it before mashing him into the cage some more. Guess we're forgetting the First Blood thing, huh? Big boot, leg drop, and Hogan goes for a pinfall. That makes sense! Surely it can't actually be a First Blood match, if Flair is bleeding profusely in front of the ref and there's no finish! Flair pulls out a foreign object and nails Hogan with it, and now HOGAN's bleeding! Flair punches open the wound for good measure. Out comes David Flair - who is, of course, wearing the nWo shirt - and Torrie Wilson. More cage-bashing by Flair, and he sexually harasses Torrie before hitting an elbow drop for TWO??? So pinfalls COUNT now???

Schiavone calls Hogan Hulking up just before Hogan Hulks up. He no-sells a knife-edge, big boot, leg drop... by referee Charles Robinson delays the count. Tenay reminds us that it's a First Blood match, even though both men are bleeding. Flair gets Hogan up for a vertical suplex but Hogan no-sells. More bashing against the cage. Ref acts like Hogan's broken some rules! He tries to stop Hogan from doing a cage battering ram here, Flair shoves Hogan into ref for a REF BUMP BECAUSE OF COURSE. Flair punches Hogan in the cock. Arn Anderson storms out to clear out David and Torrie. Arn passes a tyre iron to Flair and he nails Hogan with it. And puts on the Figure Four. For the fast count. A pin. In First Blood. No, I don't get it either.

It's eventually going to be revealed that this was a ruse on the part of Ric, Arn and Charles Robinson, which is why the rules were so screwy. But of course they didn't show that until Nitro. What the PPV audience - the actual human beings who paid for this shit - saw was a match where the rules just didn't matter. Far from being a Flair heel turn, it just bewildered the crowd. And me.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #762
Dusty Rhodes vs. Big Boss Man
WWF Saturday Night's Main Event XXIV - November 25, 1989​

Next up, something that got MINUS 1.5 stars from Dave. A whole star less than the infamous Andre vs. Warrior match on this same show. WWF Dusty wasn't a great time for him. The polka dots, the literal plumber sketches, Sapphire. Let's see how this one goes.

Mid-Boss Man entrance Dusty does a promo and I kind of hate it. Feels like someone doing an impression of a good Dusty promo from the territory days. We kick off with the requisite stalling. Slick pulls out his manager license to demonstrate that he shouldn't be sent to the back. Everything Boss Man does feels so pulled and so weak. He gets the punches from Dusty but takes the lead with a trip on the ropes. TO THE OUTSIDE where we get a shot of... oh hey, Sapphire, in one of her early appearances as a Dusty fan. Dusty tries to accost Slick but takes a forearm club from Boss Man. I notice now that he's got a Confederate flag on his sleeve.

Boss Man starts to work the arm. By kicking it. In a weirdly pulled manner. Dusty starts no-selling and comes in with punches, but falls to a pretty shit-looking knee. A bit more arm work until Dusty stops selling again. Boss Man misses a corner charge (taking a ring rope to the dick) and so begins Dusty's comeback. Dusty misses an elbow though so it's Boss Man again. BODY GUILLOTINE! Slick grabs the nightstick but is too busy arguing with Sapphire to pass it to Boss Man and Dusty wins off the deadly roll-up. Dusty has claimed the nightstick, and calls Sapphire into the ring to join the celebrations.

Yeah, that was certainly not good. It was mostly Boss Man on top but everything he did looked mediocre at best.

I believe that match saw the debut of Sapphire. It was featured as a bonus on the Best of Saturday Night's Main Event DVD for that reason. And you mentioned Bossman having a confederate flag on his sleeve, was it this:

This was the state flag of Georgia until 2001. It would make sense since Bossman was from Cobb County, GA. If you think that's bad have you ever seen WCW Clash of Champions from sometime in the fall of 1990 taking place in Asheville, NC with the Fabulous Freebirds vs The Southern Boys. The Freebirds had confederate flag sequined capes and face paint while the Southern Boys came dressed as confederate soldiers with the flag on their jackets and tights.