Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #730
Jimmy Hart vs. Mancow
WCW Mayhem - November 26, 2000​

Well, fuck. Somehow they did it again. And they did it when Russo wasn't running the show. They decided we'd all love to see these two non-wrestlers rumbling about on Pay-Per-View. Again. The build-up was apparently that Hart was issuing an open challenge to scummy guys who say edgy shit on the radio, and Mancow had answered. In lieu of Hail, Jimmy Hart now had 3 Count as his backup, to which Mancow responded by branding himself with a "Boy Bands Suck" shirt. Again, people paid to see this. A second time.

Mancow comes out with his freaks and models, and I'm shocked that his show's theme song survived 20 years of WWE dubbing. He gets cheap pops again, and trashes Hart and Mark Madden. Hart comes out on crutches to complain about a fake injury and Mancow brings up the 2000 election (he's a supporter of George W. Bush, don't ya know?). He threatens to kick Hart in his "hanging chad", and I've never heard it called that before. You learn something new every day!

Hart reveals he's not injured and clocks Mancow in the back with the crutch to start us off. Two of the morons do a double clothesline, 3 Count come in to neutralise, but Mancow no sells it. Hart hits Mancow in his hanging chad to get the edge. He's planning to use a crutch but Mancow uses the other one. Mancow uncasts Hart's leg and clocks him with the cast for three. He hits a punch in Hart's bumhole for good measure.

Apparently Mancow preferred WWF but they wouldn't take him. That's why they won the war. Better taste.

 

[Sky]

Entry #731
Buff Bagwell/Mean Gene Okerlund vs. Kanyon/Mark Madden
WCW Thunder - August 9, 2000​

Speaking of stupid non-wrestler things they did twice for no good reason... this! Mean Gene and Madden had two matches against each other in 2000 WCW. Thankfully for fans' wallets this wasn't on PPV. It was, however, doubling as build to the Judy Bagwell on a Forklift match!

You know what's wild about this? Mean Gene was pre-announced but Madden was a mystery partner. Kanyon tries to reveal the partner but his mic isn't working. Oh, also Judy Bagwell is on commentary. Madden tries to get in the ring and Bagwell falls over laughing. Madden threatens to take his shirt off. In comes Mean Gene... they make zero contact. Instead Mean Gene clocks Kanyon in the corner and tags Bagwell back in. Generic offence begins until Madden hits Bagwell from his corner, leading Bagwell to chase the commentator until Kanyon klotheslines him. Bagwell hits a double-arm DDT but Madden breaks up the pin... Bagwell clotheslines Madden!

Kanyon heat for now, an elbow drop for two. Mean Gene joins in a "Kanyon sucks" chant. Kanyon misses a splash and HOT TAG TO THE ANNOUNCERS. Mean Gene lays in some forearms but Madden punts him in the hanging chad... Mean Gene's got a cup! He shoves the cup in Madden;s face and dazes him enough with cock smell enough for Bagwell to get a Blockbuster off. Mean Gene pins Madden for the win... Kanyon Kutter to Bagwell and Kanyon chokes Mean Gene until of all people STEVIE RAY comes off the desk to make the save.

Generic 2000 wrestling from the actual wrestlers, farce from the non-wrestlers.

 

[Sky]

Entry #732
Mean Gene Okerlund vs. Mark Madden
Kamloops Street Fight
WCW Thunder - August 16, 2000​

So, naturally, they did a singles match between the non-wrestlers! Russo must have been on that extra-strength cocaine around this time. How did this company not go out of business on the spot when someone had the idea of making this match?

Madden kicks off with a promo where he says he's going to win. Mean Gene uses his new catchphrase "blow it out your ass". They go for a posedown, and Mean Gene calls for Madden to take his shirt off. He only goes far enough to expose his incredible blubber. Mean Gene kicks it off with horrible forearms. Madden clambers on top of him and presses on his chest to choke him. Out comes Norman Smiley for some reason, but to cut him off here comes Carl Ouellet, again for some reason. Vito attacks the future PCO. Madden winds up for a shit punch but Mean Gene decks him with a shit punch of his own for two. Madden headbutts Mean Gene and threatens to come out with a Vader Bomb, but Pamela Paulshock shows up (notably late) and whacks Madden in the hanging chad. That's it.

I don't think this counts as wrestling.

 

[Sky]

Entry #733
The Giant (c) vs. Hollywood Hogan
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Hog Wild - August 10, 1996​

And finally for now, we have a look at Hogan vs. Giant: Part Three! Because part two was SuperBrawl VI, you see. Hog Wild was an odd show. A lot of it was good - Rey Mysterio vs. Ultimo Dragon, Benoit and Malenko throwing their pearls before swine, Flair vs. Eddie - and then you get to this main event. Minus a star and a half, said Dave. Was he right?

Hogan's getting pops despite being a heel because bikers don't get wrestling. We kick off with a bit of good ol' Hogan Stalling! The bell rings as Hogan walks off, so he slow-walks back. Giant no-sells a bunch of Hogan punches so Hogan stalls again. He comes back with a headlock and Giant fights out and shoulderblocks him down, so Hogan goes to the outside again and tries to get the crowd to stop cheering him. Another Hogan headlock, Giant hits a back suplex... MORE STALLING! This is basically a non-contact match. We're four minutes in.

Hogan teases a test of strength but backs off. Finally we get one, which Hogan gets the edge on with two hands vs. one, but when Giant gets the second hand the result is obvious. Hogan starts kicking Giant in the gut so he can have the edge. Crowd is still treating Hogan as a babyface. Eventually after about a year Giant gets the edge. This lasts a while until Hogan takes Giant down with a hair drag. He's got the arm locked. What does it say about Hogan, that he only ever does wrestling holds when he's a heel? SEATED SURFBOARD from Hogan, and then he's got the arm again. Giant counters and twists Hogan's arm before dropping him. This would have done NUMBERS in the 60's.

Giant comes out with headbutts and sends Hogan TO THE OUTSIDE so he can waste more time. Crowd still hasn't gotten the memo that Hogan's heel. He drags Giant out for some BIKER BOTO! Hogan pulls off some back rakes but Giant counters an attempted ring post shove and gives Hogan a faceful. Sort of. Hogan barely makes contact, visibly. Giant starts to dominate in-ring, and hits a backbreaker that forces a rope break. He slams Hogan but misses an elbow drop. Hogan pushes and Giant starts no-selling... He's Gianting up! This is how it feels, Hogan! Big boot by Giant, and he's teasing the chokeslam, but in comes Scott Hall, who gets tossed and chokeslammed! Kevin Nash steals Jimmy Hart's megaphone but gets booted and chokeslammed! Hogan comes in with the belt and we've got a new champ.

There's still 9 minutes of PPV time so let's see what happens. Hogan and the Outsiders are celebrating. Brutus Beefcake comes out in the nWo colours, wishes Hogan a happy birthday, and basically sucks up to his backstage friend. Hogan hypes up his upcoming match with Ric Flair (at a Clash) and says that the nWo are better than the Horsemen because they don't have sentiment. He demonstrates this by kicking Beefcake's ass. Then the iconic moment as Hogan spray paints the Big Gold. For the record, Giant's still there. Still lying down dead. We never see him get up and leave. Maybe that killed him when the fall off a building couldn't? Or maybe Hogan just buried him.

So... that was a match, allegedly. What it really was was stalling, rest hold, and more stalling until a belt shot that murdered Giant.

 

[Death By Looch]

Entry #733
The Giant (c) vs. Hollywood Hogan
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Hog Wild - August 10, 1996​

For the record, Giant's still there. Still lying down dead. We never see him get up and leave. Maybe that killed him when the fall off a building couldn't? Or maybe Hogan just buried him.

So... that was a match, allegedly. What it really was was stalling, rest hold, and more stalling until a belt shot that murdered Giant.

What... you never saw any of those absolutely devastating Title Belt shots Hogan always dished out? The Giant can count himself lucky Hogan didn't had a chair with him that time.



Just, btw, I really love the way you write these, Sky. Always great to read and so funny

 

[Chris]

I can definitely feel emotion in the writing