Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #730
Jimmy Hart vs. Mancow
WCW Mayhem - November 26, 2000​

Well, fuck. Somehow they did it again. And they did it when Russo wasn't running the show. They decided we'd all love to see these two non-wrestlers rumbling about on Pay-Per-View. Again. The build-up was apparently that Hart was issuing an open challenge to scummy guys who say edgy shit on the radio, and Mancow had answered. In lieu of Hail, Jimmy Hart now had 3 Count as his backup, to which Mancow responded by branding himself with a "Boy Bands Suck" shirt. Again, people paid to see this. A second time.

Mancow comes out with his freaks and models, and I'm shocked that his show's theme song survived 20 years of WWE dubbing. He gets cheap pops again, and trashes Hart and Mark Madden. Hart comes out on crutches to complain about a fake injury and Mancow brings up the 2000 election (he's a supporter of George W. Bush, don't ya know?). He threatens to kick Hart in his "hanging chad", and I've never heard it called that before. You learn something new every day!

Hart reveals he's not injured and clocks Mancow in the back with the crutch to start us off. Two of the morons do a double clothesline, 3 Count come in to neutralise, but Mancow no sells it. Hart hits Mancow in his hanging chad to get the edge. He's planning to use a crutch but Mancow uses the other one. Mancow uncasts Hart's leg and clocks him with the cast for three. He hits a punch in Hart's bumhole for good measure.

Apparently Mancow preferred WWF but they wouldn't take him. That's why they won the war. Better taste.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #731
Buff Bagwell/Mean Gene Okerlund vs. Kanyon/Mark Madden
WCW Thunder - August 9, 2000​

Speaking of stupid non-wrestler things they did twice for no good reason... this! Mean Gene and Madden had two matches against each other in 2000 WCW. Thankfully for fans' wallets this wasn't on PPV. It was, however, doubling as build to the Judy Bagwell on a Forklift match!

You know what's wild about this? Mean Gene was pre-announced but Madden was a mystery partner. Kanyon tries to reveal the partner but his mic isn't working. Oh, also Judy Bagwell is on commentary. Madden tries to get in the ring and Bagwell falls over laughing. Madden threatens to take his shirt off. In comes Mean Gene... they make zero contact. Instead Mean Gene clocks Kanyon in the corner and tags Bagwell back in. Generic offence begins until Madden hits Bagwell from his corner, leading Bagwell to chase the commentator until Kanyon klotheslines him. Bagwell hits a double-arm DDT but Madden breaks up the pin... Bagwell clotheslines Madden!

Kanyon heat for now, an elbow drop for two. Mean Gene joins in a "Kanyon sucks" chant. Kanyon misses a splash and HOT TAG TO THE ANNOUNCERS. Mean Gene lays in some forearms but Madden punts him in the hanging chad... Mean Gene's got a cup! He shoves the cup in Madden;s face and dazes him enough with cock smell enough for Bagwell to get a Blockbuster off. Mean Gene pins Madden for the win... Kanyon Kutter to Bagwell and Kanyon chokes Mean Gene until of all people STEVIE RAY comes off the desk to make the save.

Generic 2000 wrestling from the actual wrestlers, farce from the non-wrestlers.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #732
Mean Gene Okerlund vs. Mark Madden
Kamloops Street Fight
WCW Thunder - August 16, 2000​

So, naturally, they did a singles match between the non-wrestlers! Russo must have been on that extra-strength cocaine around this time. How did this company not go out of business on the spot when someone had the idea of making this match?

Madden kicks off with a promo where he says he's going to win. Mean Gene uses his new catchphrase "blow it out your ass". They go for a posedown, and Mean Gene calls for Madden to take his shirt off. He only goes far enough to expose his incredible blubber. Mean Gene kicks it off with horrible forearms. Madden clambers on top of him and presses on his chest to choke him. Out comes Norman Smiley for some reason, but to cut him off here comes Carl Ouellet, again for some reason. Vito attacks the future PCO. Madden winds up for a shit punch but Mean Gene decks him with a shit punch of his own for two. Madden headbutts Mean Gene and threatens to come out with a Vader Bomb, but Pamela Paulshock shows up (notably late) and whacks Madden in the hanging chad. That's it.

I don't think this counts as wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #733
The Giant (c) vs. Hollywood Hogan
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Hog Wild - August 10, 1996​

And finally for now, we have a look at Hogan vs. Giant: Part Three! Because part two was SuperBrawl VI, you see. Hog Wild was an odd show. A lot of it was good - Rey Mysterio vs. Ultimo Dragon, Benoit and Malenko throwing their pearls before swine, Flair vs. Eddie - and then you get to this main event. Minus a star and a half, said Dave. Was he right?

Hogan's getting pops despite being a heel because bikers don't get wrestling. We kick off with a bit of good ol' Hogan Stalling! The bell rings as Hogan walks off, so he slow-walks back. Giant no-sells a bunch of Hogan punches so Hogan stalls again. He comes back with a headlock and Giant fights out and shoulderblocks him down, so Hogan goes to the outside again and tries to get the crowd to stop cheering him. Another Hogan headlock, Giant hits a back suplex... MORE STALLING! This is basically a non-contact match. We're four minutes in.

Hogan teases a test of strength but backs off. Finally we get one, which Hogan gets the edge on with two hands vs. one, but when Giant gets the second hand the result is obvious. Hogan starts kicking Giant in the gut so he can have the edge. Crowd is still treating Hogan as a babyface. Eventually after about a year Giant gets the edge. This lasts a while until Hogan takes Giant down with a hair drag. He's got the arm locked. What does it say about Hogan, that he only ever does wrestling holds when he's a heel? SEATED SURFBOARD from Hogan, and then he's got the arm again. Giant counters and twists Hogan's arm before dropping him. This would have done NUMBERS in the 60's.

Giant comes out with headbutts and sends Hogan TO THE OUTSIDE so he can waste more time. Crowd still hasn't gotten the memo that Hogan's heel. He drags Giant out for some BIKER BOTO! Hogan pulls off some back rakes but Giant counters an attempted ring post shove and gives Hogan a faceful. Sort of. Hogan barely makes contact, visibly. Giant starts to dominate in-ring, and hits a backbreaker that forces a rope break. He slams Hogan but misses an elbow drop. Hogan pushes and Giant starts no-selling... He's Gianting up! This is how it feels, Hogan! Big boot by Giant, and he's teasing the chokeslam, but in comes Scott Hall, who gets tossed and chokeslammed! Kevin Nash steals Jimmy Hart's megaphone but gets booted and chokeslammed! Hogan comes in with the belt and we've got a new champ.

There's still 9 minutes of PPV time so let's see what happens. Hogan and the Outsiders are celebrating. Brutus Beefcake comes out in the nWo colours, wishes Hogan a happy birthday, and basically sucks up to his backstage friend. Hogan hypes up his upcoming match with Ric Flair (at a Clash) and says that the nWo are better than the Horsemen because they don't have sentiment. He demonstrates this by kicking Beefcake's ass. Then the iconic moment as Hogan spray paints the Big Gold. For the record, Giant's still there. Still lying down dead. We never see him get up and leave. Maybe that killed him when the fall off a building couldn't? Or maybe Hogan just buried him.

So... that was a match, allegedly. What it really was was stalling, rest hold, and more stalling until a belt shot that murdered Giant.

 

[Death By Looch]

Entry #733
The Giant (c) vs. Hollywood Hogan
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Hog Wild - August 10, 1996​

For the record, Giant's still there. Still lying down dead. We never see him get up and leave. Maybe that killed him when the fall off a building couldn't? Or maybe Hogan just buried him.

So... that was a match, allegedly. What it really was was stalling, rest hold, and more stalling until a belt shot that murdered Giant.

What... you never saw any of those absolutely devastating Title Belt shots Hogan always dished out? The Giant can count himself lucky Hogan didn't had a chair with him that time.



Just, btw, I really love the way you write these, Sky. Always great to read and so funny

 

[Chris]

I can definitely feel emotion in the writing

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #734
Hollywood Hogan (c) vs. The Giant
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Souled Out - January 25, 1997​

And now we get to the fourth and final of the Hogan/Giant main events. I've been away a good while but I feel it'll help me revive my Bad Match Juices. Souled Out was a wretched experience, actually. Most of it is "generic match, then nWo interference winslol". The best match was Eddie vs. Syxx and even that's slightly overrated. It finishes off with this last repetition of the same Hogan vs. Big Stinky Giant formula. Let's endure it.

Of course, since this is an nWo wankfest, Giant gets no music, no pyro, and is announced by Hogan saying how much he sucks. Oh yeah, there's also Eric Bischoff and Trillionaire Ted on the commentary desk. Hogan gets a bunch of pyro and a full entrance with a bunch of sportsball guys. Hogan does a few things and Giant no-sells them, giving a few chops to Hogan. So Hogan goes to the outside to get some rest, then jumps Giant as he follows him. Hogan gives Giant some of that good Diva catfight shit, and like the Diva catfights, it's sloppy and lacking in coordination. Some punches and chops, then Hogan downs Giant with a double clothesline off the ropes. Also, at some points in this match there's some sort of yellow drone cam. It's not ref cam, but it's only slightly less stupid.

Anyway Giant stops Hogan by... holding his hand, I guess, then does some turnbuckle bashes. TO THE OUTSIDE we go where Hogan does an eye rake and enlists help from Vincent to bash Giant's face against the guardrail, but Giant reverses and bashes them instead. Hogan tries some shoulder charges but Giant tanks it, so Hogan tries a small package. Giant lifts him up and slams him. After what appear to be headbutts to the cock Hogan rolls out. Giant follows but gets a faceful of powder. Walk-and-brawl on the outside and a wrist tape choke by Hogan. It doesn't give much advantage though as Giant reclaims control and hits a backbreaker and holds it for a bit. Up top goes Giant for the world's largest elbow but Hogan dodges and covers Giant. Nick Patrick can't even be bothered to do a crooked fast count.

HOLLYWOOD CHINLOCK by Hogan. Giant eventually fights back, takes a big boot and doesn't go down. Hogan slams the Giant and pretends to tear his entire back like he claimed he did with Andre. Leg drop, but Hogan taunts for half a year before he realises Giant's gotten up. Chokeslam should be three but Patrick "injures his shoulder" and can't count all the way. Giant BUMPS THE REF with a chokeslam and gives one to Buff Bagwell... Vincent... Mr. Wallstreet... Big Bubba... Syxx... Hogan hits Giant with an nWo guitar, the guitar doesn't smash properly, and the Giant forgets to go down for several seconds. Nash and Hall show up and briefly get Giant's ass out. Wooden chair shot by Hogan, spray paint treatment. This match didn't really have a finish, but Giant certainly didn't win. Fans want Sting. Sting is not forthcoming.

They expected people to pay for this. Every bit as bad as their other matches, fuck finish, send the crowd home miserable. Awful booking, and just about as awful wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #735
Evan Karagias (c) vs. Madusa
for the WCW Cruiserweight Championship
WCW Starrcade - December 19, 1999​

Our main event tonight is me cleaning up the rest of the garbage on Starrcade 1999's card. And a lot of really consequential garbage happened on this card. Like this one, where Madusa traded sex for a Cruiserweight Title shot. Yes, really, that was the story. Also Evan is the champ because Vince Russo hates Mexicans and Evan was the nearest white man. No, I'm not making that up either.

Madusa kicks off with a dive off the apron and some really bad catfight shit. Both competitors bash each other off the steel steps. Madusa slaps Evan so Evan decks her. He roughs her up a bit more before hitting a powerslam. Asai moonsault but Madusa has rolled away before Evan's feet hit the ropes. She does a spinning kick and goes up top for a dropkick that seems to miss. Up top again but Evan tosses her down. They do a pop-up powerbomb spot but it looks slow and not particularly smooth. Jackknife pin for two. Madusa bridges up and hardly manages to lift Evan up at all for a powerbomb of her own. It looked more like a Styles Clash setup initially. Someone tries to start a "boring" chant as Evan snaps Madusa's neck on the ropes. Flying... whatever to the outside by Evan. Nitro Girl Spice distracts Evan and hits him with a weak-looking claw to the cock so Madusa can win with a bridging German. New champ!

History being made here... in a three-minute match with multiple sloppy moments and an unconvincing finish. The state of the cruiserweights.

 

[Death By Looch]

The state of the cruiserweights.

...hard to believe it got even worse in the weeks after this sack of piss of a Match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #736
Norman Smiley (c) vs. Meng
Hardcore Match for the WCW Hardcore Championship
WCW Starrcade - December 19, 1999​

Next up on this card we've got another match where Norman Smiley gets beaten up and then unexpectedly wins. There's very much a formula to these matches, but Smiley's entertaining. Let's go.

Smiley tosses isn some hardcore junk but Meng tosses it right back. He then clatters Smiley over with the Hardcore Stuff Cart. Smiley takes some bin shots tpo the head and screams. IN THE BACK Smiley grabs a chair and uses it before crashing Meng into some structures. Bin shot attempt but something something Pacific headbutt resistance. Meng starts beating on Smiley as he screams and screams. Into catering we go as Meng resists a baking tray to the skull. We get less of a table break, more of a table collapse. Smiley dodges a cinderblock and gives a fire extinguisher spray before fleeing back into catering. In come Fit Finlay and Brian Knobbs, who battle with Meng but get beaten up. Eventually Meng succumbs to a lead pipe shot. Smiley, who has no idea what's going on having been under a tablecloth the whole time, pins the prone Meng to retain. Tongan Death Grip for the ref!

Just a hardcore match, sadly. They could have done more with the catering part and not dragged out the fighting with Finlay and Knobbs as much.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #737
The Revolution vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan/The Varsity Club
WCW Starrcade - December 19, 1999​

Next up on this card we've got this! Duggan's been reduced to being the janitor for WCW, and he's in a high-stakes match with the Revolution (represented here by Shane Douglas, Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Asya). If Duggan wins the Revolution take over his janitor job; however, if the Revolution win Duggan must denounce America. (Just wait about half a year and he'll do it for free!) The Varsity Club stable, that had been gathering dust for 10 literal years, was revived as Duggan's mystery partners for this show, seemingly just because they realised they had Kevin Sullivan, Mike Rotunda, and Rick Steiner on the payroll..

Douglas cuts a short promo about how his team is going to win. Varsity Club come out with a cheerleader (the debuting Leia Meow). Douglas goes on commentary because he's got a broken arm, so... handicap match? Duggan goes into the corner, and a whirlwind of people happens and suddenly Duggan's dominating Perry Saturn. All the Varsity guys get their shots in, and Duggan bats off an attacking Malenko too. The VC want a tag but Duggan won't let them. Malenko tries to float over in the corner, Duggan catches him but does nothing with it. Three point stance and knee drop to Malenko, but he gets swarmed again.

Now Duggan's in the heel corner. Saturn's punches look so poor. Ref distraction allows the heels to cheat per tradition. A Saturn dropkick gets two. These two have no chemistry. Moonsault missed by Saturn. Again the VC want a tag but are blown off. Duggan takes a Revolution flag shot for a visual pin. All three Revolutions do cornered stuff and then the Varsity Club come in and clean out the Revolution. They've got Asya in the Tree of Woe and Sullivan knees her. And then the VC attack Duggan for not tagging them in. YOU DESERVE IT clap clap clapclapclap. Off go the VC fighting the Revolution on their own terms, and Douglas finally comes in to pin Duggan. I'm not sure he's actually going to denounce the US...

This made no sense. Announced as a 4v4, actually 3v4, effectively 3v1 because Duggan's an idiot. A full 50% of the participants did nothing. And there's no real babyfaces. Not even Duggan, the moron.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #738
Vampiro vs. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams
Oklahoma in a Shark Cage
WCW Starrcade - December 19, 1999​

Now we've got this shit-stain of a lineup. Broken down and exposed Dr. Death taking on the Misfits era of Vampiro. The Misfits have Oklahoma locked up in a shark cage, but sadly he's mic'd up so we can still hear him. The deal here is that if Vampiro wins he gets 5 minutes with the Jim Ross impersonator.

Vampiro does a jump off the cage. After whipping Williams into the guardrail he tries a double underhook thing, Williams drops him off, but gets booted. Vampiro's under-selling, but Williams isn't selling at all most of the time. Williams takes control and starts sweeping Vampiro's knee a few times. The Misfits start shaking Oklahoma's cage. Williams misses a corner charge and eats a back suplex for two. On the turnbuckle they start brawling and not selling, then Williams hits a superplex. The Misfits start running in and Williams wrecks them all. They have no idea how to sell Williams' clothesline. Vampiro does a spin kick, but Williams catches the second attempt and suplexes him. Doc pounds away... and the ref tries to stop him, gets shoved over... Vampiro wins by DQ! Dr. Death is DQ'd for kicking too much ass! After seeing off interference!

Yeah, the face/heel dynamics were all wrong, neither man was co-operating, the finish was lame, it led to the next match, what's to like?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #739
Vampiro vs. Oklahoma
WCW Starrcade - December 19, 1999​

So, Vampiro gets his five minutes with Oklahoma. How's that gonna turn out? Badly, I imagine. Dave gave this one MINUS 1.25 stars.

It takes for FUCKING EVER to get Williams out of ringside and Oklahoma out of the cage. "Boring" chants return. By this point Vampiro's almost recovered from his Dr. Death beatdown. Oklahoma starts COMMENTATING HIS OWN MATCH. Big DDT where Vampiro's obviously lifting him, then stomps that leave miles of air. Vampiro recovers and punches Oklahoma out of the ring, and the Misfits bring him back in. Oklahoma takes out Vampiro's knee and he's doing well for a while until Vampiro hits a uranage. The Misfits start mudering Oklahoma and Vampiro puts on the cowboy hat. After an extended beatdown, Nail in the Coffin and done.

What you missed just by reading this text summary is the fact that basically no one was cheering for Vampiro. In fact there were a few boos. Why not? A non-wrestler put into the ring, basically holding his own and only losing due to 5-on-1 interference. Am I sympathising with Oklahoma?? That's a sign I need to rethink my life.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #740
Harlem Heat/Midnight vs. Creative Control/Curt Hennig
WCW World Tag Team Championship #1 Contender's Match
WCW Starrcade - December 19, 1999​

It never ends. The Harris brothers never end. Stevie Ray never ends. Vince Russo's issues with women never end. Descrating Curt Hennig's career never ends.

Accompanying Team Powers That Be is Shane (a.k.a. Virgil/Vincent/a million other names). Stevie Ray doesn't come out at all thanks to him whining about Midnight's presence. Her thing is, of course, that the lights go out and she magically appears in the ring at the toll of a bell. Booker's against a Harris brother and getting beaten on. Eventually Booker recovers and gets a spin kick out of the corner for two. The other Harris comes in and I can't do this. It's so fucking boring. Booker does Booker things to the other Harris and controls the arm. In comes Midnight, and a Harris starts to attack her until she gets an arm wringer. No idea why WCW didn't revive a women's division with Midnight in it. She could do maybe three moves but that still puts her ahead of half of the men.

Anyway Booker is taking a pounding from Hennig and a Harris on the outside. Hennig is fundamentally sound but broken down. The Harris boys aren't fundamentally sound. They do the same old shit until Booker recovers and scissors kicks one of them. Midnight hits a Harris with a high-eleavation dropkick. She leapfrogs Hennig, takes out Shane, but then Hennig wipes her out of the ring. After Midnight gets beaten down by three men she's playing Ricky Morton while Hennig is in the ring. Tag missed by the ref. Stevie Ray finally comes in but Booker's pissed at him for not showing up from the beginning. Meanwhile Midnight's getting whacked.

A Harris misses a leg drop so Midnight can et a hot tag to Booker.. but ref again misses it. Spinebuster for a visual pin. Hennig uses knucks in full view of the ref while a Harris (probably not the legal one, knowing Russo booking) pins Booker. Stevie's abandoned Booker like a dick.

Generic match, dumb finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #741
Sting vs. The Total Package
WCW Starrcade - December 19, 1999​

The last of our FAR too many matches from this show... Sting vs. Luger, a feud for the 21st century. Could Luger even walk around this time? No, but he wrestled anyway. There's a stip here, if Sting wins Miss Elizabeth is freed from her contract with Luger.

Sting gives Liz a more powerful spray can than usual for this special occasion. We kick off with brawling that leaves Luger in control. TO THE OUTSIDE for a bit of good old BOTO. Guardrail abuse! Luger takes time to taunt/threaten Liz throughout. It's 100% Luger and he hits an elbow for a 1-count. Sting no-sells a turnbuckle bash, and a vertical suplex. Liz and Sting take turns to hit Luger. Sting hits a dropkick. Double clothesline for a double down. Liz is out with the mace... but doesn't spray it on Luger. Instead she sprays it on Sting. And it's silly string! He knew Liz was with Luger all along. Wait, what? Was that two swerves at once?? I'm just totally lost. Sting beats down Luger and hits a top rope splash for two. Stinger Splashes, Scorpion Deathlock, but Liz comes in with Sting's bat. Big staredown but Liz whacks Sting FULL FORCE IN THE FACE with the bat. She grabs a chair so Luger can break Sting's arm! That's how that gimmick happens.

This match is Vince Russo booking. He's really working the Internet marks! And confusing the actual fans!