Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #717
Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant
WWF Championship Tournament Second Round Match
WWF WrestleMania IV - March 27, 1988​

And now on to the second round, and the entire reason this accursed tournament is happening. Hogan vs. Andre. Andre's a heel now, he's under the employ of Ted DiBiase, and now they're going to try and re-run Mania 3's main event. Except it's not in front of 93000 screaming Hulkamaniacs, it's in front of what I believe is a papered 18000 in New Jersey. It's not going to have the aura, and it's still not going to have the in-ring ability.

If you'll allow me to muse on something first. I always though Hulkamania-era Hogan looked weird. Even in the peak steroids era, he looked oddly slender. If you ask me, the best era of Hogan visually, was 2002 Hogan. Still red and yellow, but incorporating the dark stubble and feather boas from the Hollywood era. That to me is Hulk Hogan in my head. Why am I talking about this, and not the match? Well, I guess it's because I know this match will completely suck.

Speaking of the match, Andre's slowly brawling. Rights and headbutts. Hogan tries to go for forearms and gets Andre on the ropes, but he's distracted by DiBiase. Meeting of minds between Andre and DiBiase. Soon after Andre's tied in the ropes but DiBiase and Virgil free him while he's playing to the crowd. Andre soon goes down and dizzy, and Hogan gets an elbow, but Andre uses a grounded choke. Time for some Andre heat, which is stomps and a BIG SIT. When Hogan's up Andre goes for chokes, four seconds at a time. Then the DEADLY DOUBLE NERVE PINCH to bring Hogan down, arm drop routine, but he fights up. Hogan rallying, clothesline, he says he's going to slam Andre... Virgil distracts on the apron so DiBiase can use a chair. Then Hogan uses the chair on Andre. No DQ called until Andre can use the chair back. So it's a double DQ.

Despite, you know, Hogan using the chair first, in front of the ref. #JusticeForAndre #WheresMyAndreVsDiBiaseMatch #ThisWasFiveMinutesOfShite

Oh yeah there was a post-match where Hogan slammed Andre but I don't care.

 

[Sky]

Entry #718
The Honky Tonk Man (c) vs. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
WWF WrestleMania IV - March 27, 1988​

Thankfully the other quarters were a lot more competent, and so we move on to the second break time match, featuring a defence of the IC Title! And, oh boy, it's Honky vs. Beefcake. I can feel the soul being sucked out of my body as we speak.

Champ out first. Beefcake has no music. Lock-up. For a guy who can basically do very little, Honky's forearms look very pulled and low-impact. Beefcake does a HIGH elevation atomic drop. He then... messes up Honky's hair. There's a lot of stalling that follows. Honky gets an eye rake and goes to a corner but Beefcake counters and does some turnbuckle bashes. He really wants to cut someone's hair. High knee hit, and Honky's stalling again. Beefcake makes Honky look stupid but misses an elbow. Time for Honky heat. STOMPING! And obviously-pulled forearm clubs. As fist drop users go, Honky is no Jerry Lawler. Jimmy Hart gets in a cheap shot. Honky looks like he's setting up for Shake, Rattle 'n Roll but does a nut shot instead. Finally he tries it but Beefcake grabs the rope.

Babyface comeback. A back body drop is somehow the most impressive move this match. On comes the sleeper. In comes Jimmy Hart who bumps the ref with his megaphone. Beefcake has Honky out but no ref. He goes out to grab Hart, who's stolen his barber's equipment. Time for Hart to get his hair cut while they try to wake the ref.. Official ruling is a DQ win for Beefcake, Honky's still champ, but he got to do some barbering, and that's all that matters, right?

Really unimpressive match with a screwy finish.

 

[Sky]

Entry #719
"Macho Man" Randy Savage vs. The One Man Gang
WWF Championship Tournament Semi-Final Match
WWF WrestleMania IV - March 27, 1988​

Okay, one last Mania 4 match. Let's see if Savage can carry the One Man Sphere to something decent. He can't, but let's see, right?

Gang starts using his power in the lock-up but misses a corner forearm and Savage takes control. Savage snaps Gang's neck over the ropes, holding him by the beard. Gang manages to charge Savage into the corner and it's now just Gang's slow, dogshit offence. When I see guys like Gang I regret calling Big Show and Buff Bagwell among my least favourite wrestlers to watch. Scoop slam for two but Savage gets his feet on the ropes. Gang tries a big splash but misses. Savage recovers and leaves Gang on the ropes before tipping him out. Double axe handle to the outside! Savage tries to slam Gang but gets choke... dropped. Not chokeslammed, because there's no slam in it. Disturbance between Slick and Elizabeth. Slick passes Gang his cane which he uses to attack Savage (and miss) until the DQ is called. Savage dropkicks Gang on top of Slick.

You'd think if they wanted to do a "oh no, can Savage really do this hurt against a fresh Ted DiBiase?" angle, they'd have let Gang get in more than one shot with the cane. As it stands it's just a lame four minute match with a lame finish. Lame. Thankfully no more Mania 4 in this thread.