Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #777
Kevin Sullivan vs. Norman the Lunatic
Falls Count Anywhere Match
WCW Clash of the Champions X - February 6, 1990​

Here's what I'm here for - Norman the Lunatic! One of seemingly a million shitty gimmicks played by Mike Shaw, the man behind Bastion Booger and Friar Ferguson. Here in a match against Sullivan, which the hivemind clocks at a rating of 2.00/10. Also, this is the 10th Falls Count Anywhere match I've done in this thread.

Pre-match we get a pointless and inane vignette featuring Norman visiting a zoo and talking to a pig with children around. Jim Cornette accuses him of being a child molester. Sullivan comes in hot, brawling right TO THE OUTSIDE, but Norman reverses a whip to send him into the ring post. They're doing a promotion with Roos shoes, so Norman has one Roo and one wrestling boot. Trip to the Batcave hit, but because he's not a disgusting slob yet that's not the finish. Sullivan goes up top so he can take the Ric Flair throw bump. Norman misses a second rope splash.

Sullivan dropkicks Norman back TO THE OUTSIDE and slams him for two. He starts tearing at the hospital gown to reveal what we'll soon know as the Bastion Booger off-white singlet. Back suplex for two (though I can't really call it a back suplex as Norman gets zero elevation). The ref is, for some reason, counting for rope breaks and chokes, even though it's No DQ. They start walking around the ring while Sullivan bashes Norman's face into things and gouges. The ref keeps counting. It's No DQ. Why is the ref counting?? Norman does lunatic things on the outside.

Back on the inside Sullivan's punching and booting. Norman recovers with a headbutt and chokes Sullivan with the torn white coat. Brawl up the aisle, with a few pin attempts along the way. Walk-and-brawl to the back. Commentary switches to Gordon Solie. Sullivan ducks into the ladies' bathroom and scares a woman out, so the ref and eventually Norman gives chase. There's the sound of a brawl, and then... apparently Norman got the three? At some point? He comes out with a black toilet seat. No idea.

Empty brawl where the finish wasn't even on camera. Shite.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #778
The Undertaker vs. Matt Hardy
WWE SmackDown - September 12, 2002​

For my last trick today, I'm going to look at two matches, both in the same 7-day period in September 2002, when the Hardys were matched up against WWE's main eventers and it didn't go well. This was the first, an encounter that was rated 1.89/10 by the hivemind. Let's see how it holds up.

This was really early V1. Matt's on team Brock Lesnar for the night. A bit of stalling to start while Paul Heyman crops up on the apron. He grabs a chair and passes it in but the ref meets it. Taker does some standard Taker Brawling and turns Matt over with a powerslam. Last Ride teased but Heyman distracts the ref so he sends Heyman to the back. This lets Matt punch Taker right in the American Badballs. Taker lops Matt over with a big boot but Lesnar distracts him. Then Lesnar clotheslines Taker... but ref sees Lesnar roll Taker back in so HE's sent to the back. Hardy gets a bit of token offence and teases a Twist of Fate but Taker counters and clotheslines him. Taker dominating again, and Snake Eyes. Cut to the back where Paul Heyman's stalking Taker's wife Sara, so Taker runs to the back to save her... but it's all a trap for Lesnar to attack Taker. Lesnar then threatens Sara.

No hint of a finish there, by the way. it just ended. Matt Hardy was secondary. A squash that was there for Sports™ Entertainment™, and mostly didn't feature that much wrestling.

 

[Chris]

Seems like a bit of a harsh rating for such a nothing match lmao but the short-lived Sara aspect of the Brock/Taker feud was the absolute worst

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #779
Triple H (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
for the World Heavyweight Championship
WWE Monday Night RAW - September 16, 2002​

Meanwhile over on the red brand, Matt's brother was getting a shot at the big time. And by "big time" I mean "putting over Triple H". Let's see why this one got a poor 2.00/10 rating from the hivemind.

Jeff is a mystery opponent here, apparently. And before HHH finds out who it is, RVD shows up to attack HHH. Oh yeah, RVD was his opponent for Unforgiven, for which this was the go-home. So I guess we're getting HHH fighting from underneath and Jeff dominating, which is some real uncharted territory. Jeff trips on the second rope before hitting a crossbody. Wheel kick hits nothing. HHH gets a boot up on a flying nothing and teases the Pedigree but Jeff hits the nutshot leg drop and a dropkick for two. Jeff goes up top again for the Swanton but HHH rolls out.

TO THE OUTSIDE where Jeff seems to want to springboard off the rail but the positioning's way off so he just stumbles into clotheslining HHH. Jeff again is uneasy on the ropes and does a split-leg moonsault for two. HHH shoves Jeff out again to buy some time, and sends him into the steps. Jeff barely beats the count and goes into a suplex. HHH is up top now but Jeff spikes him with the headscissors. HHH dodges a corner charge and sends Jeff into the ring post, sets him up on the top rope but is elbowed off. Jeff does a moonsault block but completely misses. Twist of Fate, Swanton, but HHH gets his foot on the rope. Then HHH puts on a SLEEPER (because this is the month or so in 2002 when HHH was trying to get a sleeper over as a finish in 2002) to win it. RVD attacks him again though.

Yeah that really was not good. Jeff Hardy was so badly off the pace I worried that he might have showed up high to this match.

 

[Chris]

Might very well be when the Jeff push stopped

 

[Skyefire]

I used to own WWE's Best of Clash of Champions DVD which included the Cactus Jack vs Mil Mascaras match and I think it included the Battle Royal (unless there was another Battle Royal on a COC around the same time). With Cactus vs Mascaras I was excited to see it the first time since I had never seen Mil Mascaras before but I remember being disappointed by the match. The thing I remember about the Battle Royal was that was the first time I had ever seen PN News. I had heard the name before but had no idea who he was and when I first saw him in the Battle Royal (not even knowing it was News, I didn't know who it was) I was like "Who the f-ck is that?" He looked ridiculous. A fat white guy in neon yellow tights that said "Yo Baby Yo". I'm not sure who thought that was a good idea.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #780
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Sgt. Craig Pittman
WCW The Great American Bash - June 18, 1995​

Next up on the agenda... Jim Duggan! As it turns out, I haven't even seen all the crappy matches featuring him. In fact, his time in WCW was a seemingly neverending sequence of garbage. Including this one. At the most MURICAN show of the year, Duggan shows his patriotism by beating up one of the troops. He was a substitute for Marcus Alexander Bagwell, who got hurt. Honestly, I'd rather have seen Bagwell than Duggan, as odd as that sounds. 1.53/10 says the hivemind, are they right?

Crowds are chanting Gomer at Pittman. I feel there's an important difference between him and Gomer Pyle. Kick off with a bit of shoving and stalling. And the USA chants because that's all Duggan is good for. Pittman tries to do a waistlock setup but it's clear neither man knows what he's doing, ending in what I think was meant to be a toss. He does push-ups and Duggan threatens to punt him in the head. Both men take it in turns working the wrist. ROPE CHOKING by Pittman! He charges Duggan but misses and goes flying over the ropes. He does briefly land on his feet though. Duggan kicks a man while he's down like a true babyface, then plays to the crowd again.

Pittman removes Duggan's knee pad and smashes the knee against the ring post. I see a bit of raw talent in Pittman. If only he'd actually been trained rather than screamed at and overworked in Power Plant style. CATFIGHT! Pittman works the knee but Duggan gets a punch out of nowhere. There's more selling in Pittman from that punch than Hawk his entire career. He even does silly facials. More limbwork, including a Funk-style spinning toe hold. And then Duggan is meant to get a foot up to send Pittman spinning out. Only problem is Duggan doesn't move so Pittman sells nothing. Duggan rallies and tries to do a slam but can't hold him up because of the bad knee.

Just as I talk about Pittman actually selling, he recovers pretty quickly from Duggan's clothesline. Three-point stance, but Duggan doesn't make it a clothesline, just an elbow. So that means Pittman can put on his finisher... an armbar. Why work the knee if your finish is an armbar? Heenan even calls him out on it. Anyway, the finish is so dumb. He keeps it on even when Duggan gets a rope break and gets DQ'd. Because you've got to protect everyone!

Watching Pittman annoys me. He's a guy who could have been good if he were trained by actual decent trainers. As it stood, his mentality wasn't there so he couldn't string a match together. And yet, he out-wrestled his veteran opponent! Though since his opponent was Jim Duggan that isn't hard.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #781
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Kamala
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 16, 1995​

A main event in any arena in 1985! Just a shame it's 1995 now, huh? It's a miracle WCW even got Nitro commissioned with all the shit they put on around this time. Two immobile old farts made to sell a PPV. They put this show on on an actual beach, and made people stand up in the hot sun for this. This match that earned a 1.31/10 according to the hivemind.

Kamala looks to have no idea where he's going. Must be the mask. He may be from the jungle, but he knows to use the ropes to thwart a 2x4 shot attempt. USA chant stalling because It's A Duggan Match. Duggan wins an exchange of rights but Kamala stays standing. Even after some hits off the ropes. It takes a clothesline to topple him. Kevin Sullivan on the outside says Duggan is part of Hulkamania which riles up the Ugandan. Kamala's chops don't even look like they land. His superkick(!!) works, though. ROPE CHOKING! And then the dreaded BEARHUG, because racial stereotype gimmicks like Kamala's belong in the same era as the bearhug. Duggan fails to escape with ear claps and a headbutt, arm drop routine but Duggan's livin'. He breaks it by stomping on Kamala's bare foot.

Duggan comeback time... oops no, he misses a corner charge. Kamala slaps his belly and starts doing some more soft or non-existent looking forearms. DEADLY NERVE PINCH by Kamala. Duggan escapes by biting. Clothesline, slam, three-point stance, and Kamala's down. He has to stop Sullivan from distracting the ref... then the Zodiac comes in and clocks him with the mask. Kamala wins and the crowd is deathly quiet.

Absolutely murderous stuff. The levels of braindead brawling could kill a lesser person.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #782
Diamond Dallas Page vs. Dave Sullivan
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 16, 1995​

Here's where I'd move on to the last of three Duggan matches left on the slate of shite, but there's another low-scorer on the Bash at the Beach card. And once again, it features one of the banes of my existence. Fucking Evad. I don't know whose dick he sucked to get on TV and PPV again and again, because he didn't get the opportunity on his abilities. Because he had none. Watch DDP get dragged down to the lowest possible level in a match that was built by the murder of a rabbit. 1.65/10 says the hivemind... are they right?

A little Hulkamaniac offers flowers to the Diamond Doll. DDP takes them and Dave (in between dogass brawling) uses it as a weapon. DDP selling his ass off for a suplex. He begs for mercy but drags Dave by the cock into the turnbuckle. Dave does an atomic drop before clotheslining DDP down. There's an obvious cut at some point and by the end Dave does a shoulderblock and a snap suplex. Apparently what Dave is teasing is the "inverted bearhug" according to Tony. But he's distracted by the Doll's beauty and DDP takes full advantage. He's got Dave cornered but is caught with a corner charge into a bearhug for a brief moment, DDP misses another corner charge and gets crotched.

Dave coming in with the punchy-punchy and a clothesline. He uses an eye poke like his favourite wrestler, megaface Hulk Hogan before hitting another clothesline. The inverted bearhug is on but Maxx Muscle's distracting Dave. He turns into a Diamond Cutter outta nowhere and DDP wins. This was the end of the feud. The bad guy just won and made the good guy look stupid all the way. That's normally questionable booking but it's Dave Sullivan so who gives a fuck.

Typical Evad match, which is to say garbage.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #783
The Giant vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
WCW Monday Nitro - March 11, 1996​

The last 2.00/10 featuring Duggan is this oddity on a random 1996 Nitro. It's also another outing for fellow star of this thread, Paul Wight! Let's finish off strong. Wait, no, not strong. Weak. Really really weak is what I meant.

Duggan charges in with typical Duggan stuff (punching, you know) but Giant no-sells and dumps Duggan out. TO THE OUTSIDE where Duggan goes flying off the apron but Giant catches and sends him into the post. Giant's wandering around and doing forearm clubs, and the DEADLY BEARHUG comes on. Because Giant's dad was from the 70s. Brian Pillman causes a disturbance at ringside which we can't see. This is so funny because he'll leave the company in a week and they're building to nothing. Arm-drop but Duggan's living and he counters by BITING.

Giant does a corner charge but misses a second one. Three-point stance and clothesline to send Giant out, but Giant lands on his feet on the outside. Soon after that, on goes another bearhug. Duggan headbutts out but wrecks himself in the process. Who knew Giant had a bit of Samoan in him. Duggan pulls out some duct tape and tapes his fist up to get enough punches to down Giant. Jimmy Hart tries to provide a distraction but Duggan wrecks him with a headbutt. This, however, lets Giant prep a chokeslam for the win.

A match that does nothing for anyone. Giant doesn't look good from the amount the old fart got, Duggan lost, and both are exposed for their limitations. May I never have to watch more Jim Duggan.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #784
The Bushwhackers vs. Repo Man/Damien Demento
WWF Monday Night RAW - March 22, 1993​

Okay.

I've been doing what feels like too many Bushwhackers matches in this thread, and when I started this cleanup of the Cagematch low-rated matches, I was expecting to find maybe one more Bushwhackers match. Try FIVE. Five more matches' worth of Luke and Butch inflicting what they think is comedy on jobbers and lower-card nobodies. Thankfully it was mostly on RAW and not on PPV by this point, but that's still worse than nothing. Also, a surprise appearance by the man from the outer reaches of your mind (and with no sense of humour), Damien Demento!

Jobber entrance for the heels. The Kiwis are up on the balcony, mingling with fans as if this is the Hammerstein (it's actually the Grand Ballroom next door). It takes the entirety of an ad break to even get them to the ring. They'd fit right in in 2024. They stumble over the guardrail. Also, there's an older and heavier-set ring girl than you'd expect, whom they lick. They then waste time by licking each other's heads. We start with Demento against, apparently, Butch. Demento misses a corner charge but gets bitten on the ass. Repo comes in for the save but Luke bites HIM on the ass. COMEDY! They send both heels crashing into each other then march around the ring wasting more time.

Repo makes an illegal non-tag while the ref is distracted, and starts whipping Luke. They do another ref distraction spot and I just feel nothing. I'm numb. Fish-hooking by Demento, followed by some non-contact punches and a bite of his own. Crowd is devastatingly quiet as Demento does a single-leg Jeff Hardy nutshot. Repo's punches also look terrible. At least he hasn't bitten anyone. Double down for no reason other than a double down. Cold tag to Butch who does some stuff, I guess, and knocks some heel heads together. Kiwis go for a double clothesline but Repo trips one of them. Structure collapses before our eyes. Visual pinfall, which the ref could have seen easily. Are we supposed to believe the ref is blind? Anyway Repo elbow drops Demento by mistake and the Battering Ram finishes it.

does the Bushwhacker arm walk, stone-faced and clearly bereft of hope

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #785
Kamala vs. Doink the Clown
WWF Monday Night RAW - March 22, 1993​

I was going to move on to the other Bushwhackers matches but... Doink vs. babyface Kamala?? How can this be anything but crap?

Doink has a wrapped present which he refuses to give to fans. Kamala is managed by Slick, and yet no Jive Soul Bro because wrestling doesn't even want to be fun in 1993. Doink does the present routine with Kamala. To Doink's credit, he actually does try to wrestle Kamala and not resort to stand-up brawling. He's mostly working the arms, though does grab a leg at some point. Kamala tries to fight up with chops but Doink rakes the eyes. Now more mat stuff. Kamala eventually fights off with what I think is meant to be an armdrag but really is just Doink wrestling around him. Chops and a corner splash. One break later, Doink is back on top again and softening up the arm. Kamala chops Doink out which leads to a chase spot. Doink offers the present to Kamala, who is too busy opening it to notice the ref is counting him out.

Who gets over from this? Guess you've got to protect Kamala from his WrestleMania match that never happens.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #786
Kamala vs. Kim Chee
WWF March to WrestleMania IX - March 7, 1993​

This was going to be another Bushwhackers match and yet I insist on torturing myself with more Kamala. More babyface Kamala, too. This is from the March to WrestleMania special, which was aired a week prior to Mania but was taped earlier in the month from a house show.

Slick gets on the mic and hypes up the Kamala/Bigelow match that never happens. Kamala doesn't come out so Slick has to go to the back and guide him to the entrance way. Kim Chee manages to back Kamala off and starts punching a bit in the corner. About a minute wasted on Kim Chee slapping Kamala and yelling indistinctly. Kim Chee tries a clothesline but jumps into the DEADLY BEARHUG. Kamala beatdown, slam, splash... oh yeah, Kamala doesn't know he has to turn his opponent on his back. Slick has to grab a mic after a good minute of waiting for him to work it out. And even with that delayed pin, Kamala wins. He hits Kim Chee with his own pith helmet and passes it to Slick, who struts like he's the Jive Soul Bro once more before passing it back.

Pointless, contained no wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #787
The Bushwhackers/Tiger Jackson vs. The Beverly Brothers/Little Louie
WWF March to WrestleMania IX - March 7, 1993​

Seeing this lineup makes me wish for death. The Bushwhackers, known for shit "comedy". Little people wrestling in the US, known for shit "comedy". The Beverly Brothers, known for jobbing and attracting homophobic abuse. This got an astonishing 0.86/10 from the hivemind.

Playing to the crowd while Heenan runs through his library of short jokes. Jackson rubs the Bushwhackers' heads and gets licked. "I bet he feels like he's three feet tall" -Heenan. I can only really make out the vowel sounds from what the crowd is chanting, so either they're really hot for Jackson (less likely) or they're calling the Beverlys a bundle of sticks (more likely, but more depressing). This is two teams I can't tell apart so I'll just say a Beverly gets a cheap shot from the outside and they ROPE CHOKE a Kiwi. Double ass bite spot, Louie bites a Kiwi's ass so Jackson bites Louie's ass. Louie and Jackson run-around and eventually Jackson dropkicks Louie.

Now time for an actual little people segment! Jakckson does a few strikes and covers Louie, who throws Jackson to the ref, who throws him back to Louie. Louie's underselling. He rolls awawy from an elbow and now it's Bushwhackers vs. Beverlys again. Whichever Beverly this is offers a handshake, the Kiwi asks the crowd what he should do, and then gets attacked from behind. The Bushwhacker kicks the Beverly in the cock. Then the other starts to work the arm with Jackson and - by mistake - Louie walking over the Beverly. Vince and Heenan talk about riding into Mania 9 on animals. TO THE OUTSIDE where the non-legal Kiwi pokes the legal Beverly. Apparently that's Butch and Blake. I don't care.

Beverly heat segment. Ref distraction spots, you know how it works. Luke's getting fucked up. Just let this end, please. Backbreaker and double axe handle off the top by whichever Beverly this is. Heenan's on his phone calling the WWF Hotline through this match. Yep. Luke gets a desperate clothesline. Heenan on Jackson: "He ordered cereal and they brought milk, but he wanted half-and-half". At least someone's capable of being funny. Butch cold tag lamping over the Beverlys, and Jackson deals with Louie. Clotheslines everywhere. Up top goes Jackson for a crossbody for three. Never mind that the little people weren't legal. It's over. Thank FUCK.

My verdict? You shouldn't watch this match. However, you should listen to this match, in order to hear the one-liners Heenan comes out with.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #788
Jim Brunzell vs. Damien Demento
WWF Monday Night RAW - April 5, 1993​

Once again, I'm breaking up the Bushwhackers matches with matches that are bad in different ways. And it just so happens that the next episode of RAW after Mania 9 contains one of my low-scorers. The hivemind thought this match was a 1.77/10, which is, for comparison's sake, worse than Reigns vs. HHH. Is it really?

Rob Bartlett's calling in because he couldn't make it to the taping. He blew all his money. Meanwhile two guys with zero heat are trying to control an arm. It's broken up in the corner. This is all just arm-wringing. Demento has Brunzell against the ropes and whips him, but Brunzell has a small package, and also he uses an inside cradle for two. Against the ropes again, Irish whip, and this time Brunzell uses a sunset flip. Brunzell tries a hip toss but is just shoved over. Leg drop by Demento. As I'm looking for something interesting to take from this match I notice that this was taped 2 weeks before Mania.

Some guy tries to start a "boring" chant. Yep. Brunzell blocks a turnbuckle bash and is now in control. Atomic drop which Demento doesn't sell NEARLY cartoonishly enough. Dropkick for two but Demento gets his foot on the rope. Demento gets a neckbreaker and knee drop for the win.

Yawn.