Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #742
"Barack Obama" vs. "Hillary Clinton"
WWE Monday Night RAW - April 21, 2008​

Yes, I was saving this one for Election Day. As America decides whether or not the world's going to end within the next four years, my mind goes to this encounter from 2008. That time WWE brought the Democratic primary to RAW (at least in the form of impersonators). Notice that they didn't wheel out John McCain for this one. Guess Republicans are off-limits.

Of course, before the match, we get the unfunny character skits. Hillary Clinton is described as a Hulkamaniac and comes out to Hogan's theme. Alongside her valet/husband Bill, who stumbles in the ropes. The two do Hogan poses forever. Hillary cuts a terrible promo while Bill steals her thunder with more Hogan poses, so Hillary scolds him for a bit. This is dying on its ass. And it dies even worse when "The Rock Obama" comes out. Yep, Obama doing Rock poses. And they've got him to wear massive fake ears, to the point that it feels genuinely racist. I can hear Vince saying "give him monkey ears". Again, race is fine, but Republicans are off limits to him. He does a terrible Rock impersonation, complete with "it doesn't matter".

Ref checks Hillary for foreign objects, and Bill says "she doesn't even let me touch her". Hillary does a double-leg and some Diva-esque catfighting. She slams the whatever-pound giant Obama and does a Hogan leg drop, but Obama kicks out. Obama hits a Barack Bottom, and teases the People's Elbow, but Bill trips him against the ropes. Double down, ref starts counting, but then Umaga comes out and gives Obama a Samoan Spike to end this horrid charade. At least Bill tries to play nice before Umaga chases him away and gives Hillary a Samoan drop. I guess he's voting for John McCain. Who, I will remind you, was treated with utter reverence compared to this.

Truly painfully bad... wait, holy shit, Lexie Fyfe played Hillary?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #743
Billy Kidman vs. Dean Malenko
Triple Threat Theater Part 1: Catch as Catch Can Match
WCW Souled Out - January 16, 2000​

Souled Out 2000 now, and there's a lot to unpack here. Too damn much. What should I go with first? Maybe what the build to this match was. This was meant to be a series of three matches between Jeff Jarrett and Chris Benoit for the US Title. But then Bret Hart got injured, so Benoit got shoved into the World Title scene (before leaving the company), while Jarrett got kayfabe injured and stripped of his title. They then changed it to Billy Kidman fighting three members of the Revolution. Two of whom were also leaving the company. So, what were the rules of the Catch as Catch Can Match? Well, it was sort of like a regular match, except you could win by ring-out (to use the Virtua Fighter term). If either wrestler were to be removed from the ring, they would lose. Remember that now.

Malenko starts like an amateur wrestler trying to take out Kidman's legs... then it suddenly becomes basic, with a clean break in the corner, headlock, shoulderblock, you know. Toehold by Malenko but Kidman puts him in the corner. Malenko bars the arm in a headscissors, and this is actually decent so far as Kidman scraps out. Malenko tries a jackknife pin but Kidman rolls through and pounds on him. Malenko powders out of the ring... seemingly having forgotten the rules of the match. So has the ref, as he doesn't DQ Malenko immediately, but waits for (1) Kidman to remind him and (2) Malenko to come back into the ring. It's so awkward and it's so funny and it's so bad.

And that's how Dean Malenko's WCW run ends. With him looking like an idiot. Somehow not the worst farce of the night (albeit the worst rated match of the night at MINUS 1 Dave star).

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #744
The Mamalukes vs. The Harris Brothers
WCW Souled Out - January 16, 2000​

Sweet Christmas. We've got to watch another Harris match now. I've never seen one I liked. And they're up against Vito and Johnny in a match that is the definition of filling in PPV time.

We kick off with a shoving match. A Harris barges Johnny in the corner. After a bit of that Johnny counters and hits a clean spin kick. Apparently that was Ron in the ring right now. Helpfully they're wearing different tank tops tonight. Ron rolls out to rest, not losing the match. Now it's Vito vs. Don and they're doing the complete basics. Johnny comes in and they do a double double axe handle. Then a double double back elbow. Vito hits a neckbreaker for two. Wait... Schiavone just called the Harris in the ring Ron. I thought it was Don. Never mind. This match isn't interesting enough to care. Dave didn't even give it a rating.

Anyway, Vito hits a suplex on whoever is in right now. He holds the Harris' legs open and thrusts (for some reason) and elbow drops him in his white supremacist penis. The Harris on the outside gets a shot in (from the outside naturally). Speaking of outside TO THE OUTSIDE we go for a guardrail bash. Whichever Harris this is hits a side slam then tags to the other one. Apparently this is Don now. "It's all in the tattoos" to decide which is which, allegedly. They've both got an SS on them so I'm not sure why the rest matters. ROPE CHOKING, then a chinlock, but Johnny recovers and gets a jumping clothesline. Harris brother spinebuster gets two, then arguing with the ref gets him rolled up for two.

Oh yeah, I didn't mention Disco Inferno is involved in this match. Because he is. Johnny's being outbrawled by (apparently) Ron, even when his stomps obviously miss. Series of Harris elbows for two. Johnny gets a boot up on a back body drop attempt and clotheslines uh... Don I think down. Don wipes out Vito and the resulting referee distraction allows for a choke. "Boring" chants begin. Johnny gets whipped into the ring post. Back in the ring... I've again lost track of which is which. Johnny tries to sunset flip a larger man and... succeeds? Ends in a rope break though. Harris boy does a DDT, Vito breaks up a pin, calls the other Harris a piece of [REDACTED], then goes to the outside. H-Bomb teased, Vito shoves the Harris off the top, Disco pushes Vito into the other Harris, that's a pin. Despite Vito not being the legal man. Absolute woke nonsense.

Anyway this match blew

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #745
Madusa (c) vs. Oklahoma
for the WCW Cruiserweight Championship
WCW Souled Out - January 16, 2000​

And here we are. A woman fighting a non-wrestler for the Cruiserweight Title. The lowest of lows for what was once the most exciting part of WCW. A Jim Ross impersonator wrestling. Hey, it could be worse. You could be in 2024.

Oklahoma comes out with the belt. Oh yeah, he did the gimmick where he stole the belt. And of course we have to get a segment with him cutting a misogynist promo because we have to hear Ed Ferrara's shitty Jim Ross voice while drooping half his face. Madusa comes out in a local sportsball outfit before stripping it off.

Madusa starts off by kicking Oklahoma about and downing him for two. Hair-tosses by Oklahoma. Madusa chops away and Oklahoma ducks a corner charge but gets a headbutt to his nuts. At least he's trying to sell. Madusa takes way too long to set up her second rope dropkicks. She misses a regular dropkick and Oklahoma staggers into a sloppy looking DDT. Oklahoma goes out to grab a bottle of barbecue sauce, Nitro Girl Spice steals it and Asya comes in to help. The two feed him to Madusa, and it feels like we go to the finish, but out of nowhere Oklahoma gets a random ass (sloppy ass) roll-up to win.

Insulting premise, insulting execution, a finish that didn't fit the story of the match, and Oklahoma didn't even put anyone over, instead vacating for the sake of a fat joke. I fucking hate wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #746
Booker T vs. Stevie Ray
WCW Souled Out - January 16, 2000​

After two less-bad matches (a generic hardcore four-way and Billy Kidman vs. Perry Saturn in a mediocre Bunkhouse Brawl) we go right back into the turd zone. Booker T vs. Stevie Ray was such a tonally inconsistent feud. Stevie turned because he argued that Booker was becoming too attached to Midnight, forgetting his brother and his background in Houston Harlem... but then he teamed up with Ahmed Johnson and a big-city lawyer and claimed the rights to the letter T. And their matches against each other sucked. Here's one.

Booker cuts an in-ring promo about how he is Going To Win The Upcoming Match, then sends Midnight to the back during Stevie's entrance. Booker starts laying in to Stevie early on and nails the side kick. TO THE OUTSIDE for a short BOTO sequence, OVW thing, and Booker forearm for two. Stevie gets the elbow up in the corner and hits a clothesline that Booker sells HUGE for. Time for Stevie heat. TO THE OUTSIDE for guardrail-abuse! Booker reverses a whip on the outside and takes it back in. He has the edge until he runs into a powerslam for two.

And then we get Stevie Ray Heat, which in this case means the worst fucking chinlock you'll ever see. It looks so easily escapable, so light, so obviously just a rest hold. Booker fights out but Stevie tosses him down again. Elbow drop for two, then back to that awful chinlock. Booker fights out again but succumbs to a takeover (like an AA but a little better). Booker counters a Slapjack attempt with a back body drop. He finally starts his comeback with the side kick, scissors kick, Spinaroonie, float over in the corner, Book End! But out comes out-of-shape Ahmed Johnson to dunk on Booker for the DQ. Both he and Stevie beat down Booker and Stevie hits the Slapjack, as Midnight stands there and watches. Ahmed Johnson is Big T now apparently. He calls Midnight fish.

At least Booker was trying. Stevie just doing the same old shit, then out comes a walking bad storyline to ruin the match in sub-7 minutes.

 

[Chris]

I think the overall funniest part of the Harlem Beat feud isn't even the letter T, it's how as soon as Steve Ray became a commentator like 6 months later he was back to being Booker's biggest fan

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #747
Billy Kidman vs. The Wall
Triple Threat Theater Part 3: Caged Heat Match
WCW Souled Out - January 16, 2000​

Last match from this show... and it's THE WALL, BROTHER! Lanky Jerry is here to give Kidman a mystery opponent so Shane Douglas can have the night off. And it's in Not-Hell in a Cell. Also Douglas is gloating about how he attacked the Filthy Animals in a pre-match promo, which is why Kidman's doing three matches.

Wall's doing this in a suit. Kidman dropkicks him off the apron and begins some ringside brawling, whacking Wall on the head with chairs until he misses and gets the chair hit into him. Back in-ring Wall tries to go up top but Kidman dropkicks him for two. After a bit of rope-running Wall topples Kidman with a big boot. Back to the outside! Hope you like slams against the cage! Wall's moveset is basically nothing. Some dress-shoe stomps and a grounded choke. Which the ref counts for, as if there are DQs in a cage match.

Wall clothesline gets two. He perches Kidman on the top rope but Kidman counters and successfully sunset flips a larger man. Samoan drop by Wall. Suplex countered into what I think was meant to be a DDT by Kidman for two. I notice Wall really isn't selling anything Kidman does, especially long-term. Chokeslam teased but Kidman counters into what is basically a Frankensteiner. Shooting Star Press set up but the Wall gets up and catches Kidman into a chokeslam for an abrupt three.

That was poorly paced and poorly planned, honestly. At least Kidman was trying.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #748
Disciples of Apocalypse vs. Los Boricuas
WWF SummerSlam - August 8, 1997​

Spoiler

A long time ago, in a wrestling company
not far away from New York...

Episode 748
THE BAD MATCHES THREAD

It is a period of transition. The
WWF's major stable, the NATION
OF DOMINATION, has removed
two of its major members, who
have now formed GANGS of their
own to combat the Nation.

On one side, CRUSH, with his
vaguely-racist group of bikers:
the DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE.
On the other, SAVIO VEGA, with
his friends from Puerto Rico: LOS
BORICUAS.

Oh yeah, and some South
African militants showed up too.

The WWF fanbase sits in fear, for
it knows their combined powers
could bore and annoy the hell
out of them for many months
to come...​

You like that? That was going to be a link to a full Star Wars opening crawl video, until I found out all the "make your own crawl" sites either look like shit or make you pay pro-level prices to actually generate it this fucking century. God, the internet's dogshit in 2024. Wankers.

Anyway, Gang Wars! The time when WCW was still cooler than WWF, and Vince Russo's solution was a Race War! Featuring a bunch of guys no one cares about! And soon after it began the Nation turned out to be way too important for this nonsense and left the losers to fight among themselves. Which led to matches such as the match at D-Generation X, which we've covered already. And also, this eight-man tag! Half a star from Dave, and a pathetic 1.66 out of 10 from the Cagematch hivemind. Let's see what the damage is.

Boricuas are kind enough to say hello to the Spanish announce team as they pass by. DoA come out on their bikes and then brawl the Boricuas out of the ring. Match starts with Jose Estrada and Skull. Apparently. No idea how you could tell, especially with the Harris boys involved. Said Harris is doing stuff to Estrada in the corner but eats a boot and a bulldog. Skull comes back with a boot of his own. Savio tries to interfere but gets wrecked. In comes the other Harris with a sidewalk slam. Even JR has no idea which biker is which. Crush does two leg drops which should finish it but the astonishingly hairy Miguel Perez breaks up the pin. Perez himself tags in and takes a spinning backbreaker.

Now Jesus Castillo and Chainz, and the former fake Undertaker does a ton of elbow drops before tagging in a Harris. The Nazis get together to do a double Snake Eyes. A Harris gets dropped by Savio coming flying in. Then the Boricuas start attacking the bald man in the corner, taunting DoA so they'll distract the ref. They must be the faces, because they're idiots. (Not like I could tell by the crowd reaction, because there is none.) They repeatedly forget which Boricua is the legal man. Crowd wakes up when the Nation comes out from among them. Back in the ring Castillo uses a Famouser. On the outside Ahmed Johnson seems to be exposing the concrete for some reason.

This devolves once again to a Harris getting beaten up by Los Boricuas. CHINLOCK by Savio Vega, as if it weren't boring enough. The prevailing chant is "Ahmed sucks" because no one cares about anyone in the ring. Same old pattern. Boricua beatdown, DoA stupidly distracting the ref, repeat. One of them does a dropkick and even then I just shrug. Castillo and Perez do a high-low, and then... another chinlock. One of the Harris' comes in and breaks up the rest hold, and now it's just ugly. It's all over the place, whichever Harris is in and whichever Boricua is in are stumbling over each other.

The beatdown continues until Savio misses a corner splash and whichever Harris it is gets a cold tag to Chainz. Soon after it turns into an out-of-control. Chainz is tripped out of the ring to meet Ahmed, smacks him, and takes a Pearl River Plunge "on concrete". Although it's visibly not on concrete, it's half on Ahmed's legs and half on the mats. The only thing that hits concrete is Ahmed's wedgied ass. Savio rolls Chainz back in and Perez hits an elbow to win it. DoA start scrapping with the Nation while the Boricuas walk off.

A bit more eventful than I'd expected but also a lot less engaging. And considering how low my expectations were that's saying a lot.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #749
Faarooq vs. Crush vs. Savio Vega
WWF Ground Zero: In Your House - September 7, 1997​

This looks like a big blow-off to me (and I mean that in the sense of being a fart). The leaders of the Nation, DoA, and Boricuas in one big battle. MINUS 1.5 stars from Dave and a shocking 1.04/10 from Cagematch. It can't be that bad, surely?

They actually have to explain the rules of a Triple Threat match, that's how long ago this was. Both Savio and Faarooq immediately try to kill whitey. Crush manages to get a double clothesline off though. He misses a corner charge and Savio rolls him up, and Faarooq has to break up the pin. Faarooq introduces his belt (no discussion of a DQ) but Crush takes it off him. Noggin knocker by Savio. Both Faarooq and Crush try to get a pin off a hip toss of all things. Soon Crush is rolled TO THE OUTSIDE so Faarooq and Savio can do their thing like... botch a spinebuster. After a facebuster for two Crush is back. He unleashes a Greco-Roman corner choke on Savio then powerslams Faarooq for a two-count.

Three-way kneeling punches ends in another headbang, this time by Crush. Savio kicks Crush into the ropes and starts chopping on Faarooq, who counters. Forearm clubs and ROPE CHOKING by Crush, after which he doesn't even try to capitalise and just rests on the outside. Savio tries a splash but Faarooq gets his knees up. Crush then tosses Faarooq to focus on Savio... with a CHINLOCK! JR can't hide the fact that this is a dumb move when you could do an impact move while Faarooq is out. Faarooq goes off the top and collides with both men for a two on Crush. Faarooq's standing over Crush but gets lifted for an electric chair suplex, which would be great if it were done by wrestlers I gave a shit about.

Now Savio vs. Crush. Savio does mounted punches but eats an inverted atomic nutshot. Both Crush and Faarooq try pins off that. Savio does a neckbreaker but Faarooq rolls the wrong way, so it looks like he escaped but is selling anyway. The flow in this match is gone and the crowd is silent. Faarooq does a grounded choke while Crush is standing around. All the while Lawler on commentary is just talking about Brian Pillman and Marlena from earlier. There's an awkward, confusing sequence where Crush and Faarooq work together but also don't really work together. "Can you have a double pin?" asks Lawler, and after a double suplex, they both try it, and the ref answers, no you cannot.

Out goes Savio and now it's Crush vs. Faarooq. Backbreaker (sidebreaker) for two. Savio is brought in and right back again. Crush shows Faarooq how you actually break the back. That pesky Savio breaks the pin so the other two throw him out again. A really shockingly bad powerslam from Faarooq... Savio breaks the pin again! AUDIBLE GROANS from the crowd who want this match to end now. Now he works together with Crush for an assisted piledriver... but Crush clotheslines Savio out again. Crush unleashes the DEADLY HEART PUNCH on Faarooq but Savio comes in with a Caribbean Kick and steals it.

Yeah, it was that bad! It was so obvious they had no idea how to work a three-way back in 1997, and you combine that with the limitations of the workers involved, hoooooo boy. Add to that the glaring botches (Faarooq was awful here) and the dead crowd, you've got a recipe for disaster.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #750
Disciples of Apocalypse vs. Los Boricuas
WWF Badd Blood: In Your House - October 5, 1997​

So we transition from that to... oh goodie. Yet another meaningless tag match between these two teams with multiple sets of similar-looking members. How delightful. I'm just trying to get through this because the upcoming two matches are a bit more interesting. On the night of the incredible Hell in a Cell match, we get the same old shit from these two teams. Worst Feud of the Year 1997, everyone.

DoA aren't even relevant enough to come out on their bikes at this point, and we're only a couple of months in. I don't give enough of a shit but we start with Jose Estrada and a Harris... wait a minute, isn't this the same match? In comes Miguel Perez and he does some stuff and a Harris does a powerslam. The astonishingly hairy man works a headlock and in comes Savio. Oh yeah, this is the same show where Brian Pillman died the day of. Belly-to-belly by Crush and then in comes Chainz for his signature move, the Make-The-Other-Guy-Run-Into-Your-Arm. Dear fucking God I don't care at all, I've just seen these guys be boring on a previous show.

Instead I'm going to mostly talk about my day, all the stuff I've done. Main highlight of my day was a bit of Pokémon Go. It was the Mankey Community Day and I quite like that particular line so I decided to go out and grind a few catches. I ended up with 5 shinies and 2 15/14/14 Mankeys. The best of the shinies and the two statgods are going to be Annihilape in future. The rest get transfered to Home. Oh hey, there's a bit of a referee distraction and there's outside brawling. The weird thing I find about Annihilape is that it's strongly implied that it evolves when it dies. And this is incentivised. You are killing a monkey and turning it into an angry ghost. JR just called the Boricuas 4-on-1 beatdown "attitude". I swear if this is the real beginning of the Attitude Era.... Oh hey, Savio did a Caribbean Kick in the corner.

Long chinlock which is a good time to talk a bit more about anything but this match. There is actually lore about Primeape (the middle stage) saying that it gets so angry that it dies. Annihilape's lore says that it transcended its physical body. So yeah it's a ghost. There's no ambiguity there. DoA are continuing to be dumbasses and distract the ref. Savio's working another chinlock. I'm not saying there's never been darkness in Pokémon. You'll probably know about Cubone and the lore that its mother died, which to be fair is from Gen 1 where they didn't know that they were going to add breeding mechanics. But with Primeape they made an obvious conscious choice to give a monkey a stress-induced haemorrhage and turn into a ghost.

Savio's doing some kicks. He has a belt in "Twae Kondo" according to JR. I think this is Jesus and he does a dropkick. Pro wrestling canonically exists in the Pokémon universe, there's multiple wrestler trainers. So is there pre-determined Pokémon battles, like for humans? Does human pro wrestling lose its sting when magical animals exist? Do wrestlers use Pokémon as foreign objects? The reason I think of this is because Primeape would be great. He's basically Scott Steiner. Annihilape isn't the same sort of angry though. It's a tranquil, unflinching rage. Who's best for that? Oh yeah, the match. Savio misses a corner splash. Cold tag to Crush. Big eight-man brawl. Jesus eats a boot for a visual pin but the ref's distracted. Jesus does a surprise DDT for two. Chainz hits a clothesline and the spinning backbreaker gives Crush the win.

You should really play Pokémon Go. It gives me an excuse to walk places I wouldn't normally. This match was the same as the other match but with a different result.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #751
Disciples of Apocalypse vs. The Truth Commission
Traditional Survivor Series Match
WWF Survivor Series - November 9, 1997​

27 years ago yesterday, this was. A match in Montreal that people are still talking about to this day. I am of course referring to DoA vs. Truth Commission. Oh yeah and Bret/Shawn but who remembers that. For those of you who don't remember the Truth Commission, who does? Basically, Kurrgan, Bull Buchanan, and the European version of Rambo walk into an apartheid-era South African bar, and they pick up Don Callis who's doing a cult leader bit for some reason, and suddenly that's a gimmick now.

Someone's got an "Undertaker is not a homo" sign. I don't want to know the context. DoA's bikes are back. This Traditional Match kicks off, as is tradition, with a big fuck-off brawl. Crowd is dead already. It's Kurrgan (actually, only the Interrogator at this point) vs. Chainz. Chainz does some mounted punches and avoids the inverted atomic nutshot the first time, dodges a corner splash... then dies to one Kurrgan sidewalk slam. It's now Bull Buchanan (Recon) vs. a Harris. World's Strongest Slam, sort of, by B2. On comes Callis who hits a knee drop, but the Harris gets right up, no-sells, and another sidewalk slam gets rid of Callis.

Rambo now. Notice I'm not using their Truth Commission names because their Truth Commission names are lame. Callis joins commentary as the non-Giant members go off on a Harris until B2 gets cornered. It ends up with Crush doing some leg drops. B2 fails to hip toss a larger man and eats a belly-to-belly for two. He and a Harris do an OVW thing for a double down, and the other Harris comes in with Twin Magic and lops B2 over with a clothesline. Apparently there's two refs involved and neither noticed. A Harris and Rambo become the second pair to botch a neckbreaker in front of my eyes tonight. The Harris' get a visual pin on a double chokeslam because Kurrgan is occupying the ref. He gets a hit from the outside and whichever Harris it is gets eliminated by a bulldog.

The other Harris is doing Harris things. Jackyl trashes the double ref and I agree. Crush puts on what appears to be a figure four neck lock. After wearing him down, he tags in whichever Harris is still in. Harris gets into it with Kurrgan, who blind tags in. DDT but no pin, and the other Harris turns into a side slam. Kurrgan blocks a suplex attempt by Crush, then he makes the dumbass move of tagging in the beaten-up Rambo, who soon gets hit with the Tour of the Islands for the pin. It's now one-on-one, but the one is Kurrgan, who uses the strongest move in the world, the SIDE SLAM, for the win. Don Callis has a 100% WWF PPV record.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #752
The 15-Tag Team Battle Royal
WWF WrestleMania XIV - March 29, 1998​

After that the Gang Warz factions continued to do nothing of significance until this match, where they were drafted in to make up the numbers. By this point, Crush had quit, Chainz had left DoA (but was still in this battle royal), and Kurrgan/Jackyl was its own thing now. The others all appear in this battle royal, though. Some factions even appear multiple times over! So, who are our 15 teams that'll be competing for the MINUS 1.5 stars this gets?

• Chainz/Bradshaw
• Disciples of Apocalypse (8-Ball/Skull)
• Flash Funk/Steve Blackman
• Los Boricuas 1 (Savio Vega/Miguel Perez)
• Los Boricuas 2 (Jose Estrada/Jesus Castillo)
• The Godwinns (Henry O. Godwinn/Phineas I. Godwinn)
• The Headbangers (Mosh/Thrasher)
• The Nation of Domination 1 (Faarooq/Kama Mustafa)
• The Nation of Domination 2 (D'Lo Brown/Mark Henry)
• The New Midnight Express (Bombastic Bart/Bodacious Bob)
• The Quebecers (Jacques/Pierre)
• The Rock 'n Roll Express (Ricky Morton/Robert Gibson)
• The Truth Commission (Recon/Sniper)
• Too Much (Brian Christopher/Scott Taylor)

And getting their own entrance:

• LoD 2000 (Hawk/Animal) with Sunny

Wow, wonder who'll win this one? Also, the rules in this one are silly. If your partner's eliminated, you've just got to sheepishly slunk out of the ring. Remember that now.

And I remember why you can't really commentate battles royal. There's just too much going on. I can only really report on eliminations. Crowd only cares about LoD. There's an elimination that camera doesn't notice until the next minute. It's Savio Vega so that duo is out. Kurrgan is at ringside for some reason. Truth Commission are apparently out but no one noticed. It's only a later camera angle that shows Kurrgan got physical with his ex-partners. BARRY WINDHAM shows up out of nowhere to screw over his fellow former New Blackjack by tossing his partner. Bradshaw shoves the ref but sadly doesn't clothesline him. Jacques and D'Lo both tossed so those teams are out. Nobody gave Mark Henry the memo though because he still goes about for a bit.

RnRs and the remaining Boricuas both gone. Henry tosses Brian Christopher, despite being eliminated. JR calls him out on this. Headbangers gone. Apparently that was an illegal elimination so Too Much get to stay... so what was legal about Kurrgan and Windham getting involved? Scotty's gone soon after so that doesn't matter. Godwinns in Confederate flags are facing off against DoA over who are the best white supremacists. A Godwinn removes a Harris but they stay in and eliminate the Godwinns. Then the other Godwinn stays until he gets tossed. It's now LoD against New Midnights... until the Godwinns hit the LoD with buckets. Midnights have to try and dump Hawk but he resists and fights back. Animal goes out under the ropes. Eventually he comes back in and the Midnights get wrecked. LoD win, obviously.

Impossible to follow, unable to stick to its own dumbass rules, and full of mostly losers. What a way to start the Attitude Era!

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

But hey, at least LOD won!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #753
The Bushwhackers vs. The Beverly Brothers
WWF Royal Rumble - January 19, 1992​

There's currently 22 wrestlers on a total of 8 matches, which is odd to me. It's as if that's the barrier between someone who's had a few bad matches and a true regular of this thread. Two of those wrestlers are the Bushwhackers, so looks like they're graduating to true regular status. On the same site as what is the first truly great Royal Rumble match, we have this thing. This minus-1.5-star, 0.72/10 thing. What a disaster.

The Genius is out with the Beverlys to recite a poem about how his team's going to win. I could do a better poem in my sleep.
In a sport that some people call fake,
I'm managing bros Beau and Blake.
With my cape and my hat,
I look like a twat,
Guess the teacher look was a mistake.
See? And he's not even the twattiest manager in this match, as the Bushwhackers are seconded by JAMISON. If you've never experienced Jamison, he was just the worst. Insufferable disgusting nerd character, and yet he was a face. He's out here trying to do the Bushwhacker walk and making me want to claw my own eyes out.

We start with absolutely zero wrestling. I swear, for a good two minutes after the bell rings they waste a shit ton of time playing to the crowd. And they keep cutting to Jamison eating his lunch. One of the Beverlys tries to swat at a Kiwi but the Bushwhackers chase them off. They then start "sissy" chants, which is really not the worst word they could have used. It's 2:30 before any of them makes contact, and immediately a ref distraction gives the Beverlys control. So, in the Bushwhackers' world is their version of a babyface opening segment... mugging for the crowd? Rather than doing any moves?

Anyway, whichever Beverly this is does some stuff against the ropes and the other does a rope choke from the outside. A Kiwi ducks a clothesline and bites his opponent's ass. Oh yeah, it's that kind of match. The Beverlys collide and get cleared out. Time for the Bushwhackers to jog about again. On the outside, cut to Jamison eating his lunch. Genius tries to say something to him. Who cares. The ref is actively stopping the teams from fighting. Jamison is tossing crumbs at Genius. Let the "boring" chants begin! Jamison wipes his nose on a sock.

A Beverly offers a handshake, a Bushwhacker consults the crowd on what to do, then gets attacked from behind. He stops selling and then does an Irish whip the proper way like the Irish used to do. He does a bulldog which is the Bushwhacker equivalent of an imploding 630 splash. The Bushwhackers whip the Beverlys into each other, double clothesline them out... MORE PLAYING TO THE CROWD. One Bev hides under the ring, then re-emerges to confuse the Kiwis. Is this Twin Magic? It's certainly Twin Tragic. MORE ASS BITING! Now the Bevs are joining the time-wasting squad.

One of them hits a Bushwhacker from behind and so let the heat segment begin. Cut to Jamison again. Usual heat segment tropes. Ref is distracted by the other partner trying to stop the illegal double teaming so he doesn't see the illegal double teaming. Crowd is so quiet. Jamison is chewing on his tie. One of the Bevs does a headbutt and then a cocky pin facing camera. They do a few, what I'd call "hangman's" moves, basically moves to their opponent's back while he's draped between the ropes and the other Bev. I think this is Luke. He gets a knee up on a back body drop attempt but sells like he's taken a move anyway.

A Beverly does Snake Eyes and Jamison complains of cheating. Bobby Heenan's just verbally shitposting all over this. A Beverly tries a boot-on-the-chest pin but gets rolled up for two. On the outside, Genius slaps Jamison and no one gives a shit. "He hitted me, he hitted me hard" -Jamison. Not hard enough. Back in the ring Luke (is it Luke) is still getting ruined. At least the Beverlys are trying. Neckbreaker, leg drop. Luke gets a surprise clothesline and tags Butch finally. Clotheslines and a one-man Battering Ram. One Beverly gets tossed out but trips Butch so the other can get a pin for two. Ref distraction, illegal double teaming. Assisted double axe handle finishes it.

Post-match, of course, the Kiwis get their heat back. Battering Ram for both men, then the Genius comes in and they let Jamison take it out on him. Which he does with a long wind-up and kick to the shin. Jamison gets Genius's hat and licked, which I think is the closest he's ever had to a bath.

They didn't even try to do actual comedy. Just goofy stuff, a heat segment for years, then a comeback, then the heels just win, but they look terrible off it. Fails in every possible aspect as a match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #754
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Meng
Martial Arts Match
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 1995​

We're taking another look at Uncensored '95, my friends. Because it's more than just King of the Road. It's Jim Duggan doing what he thinks is Martial Arts. What brainlet had that idea?

This is apparently Meng's debut in WCW. Duggan's got taped... everything. "We know what he's got between the ears - nothing!" -thank you Brain. Sonny Onoo is special ref. He really wants Duggan to bow but Duggan isn't interested. After fifty fucking years of Onoo insisting on procedure, Meng downs Duggan with a kick, waits forever, and pins him for two. Duggan takes punches but Meng no-sells it. Duggan is mostly no-selling Meng's stuff too. Duggan swings his own boot at Meng, which is legal in martial arts apparently. DEADLY NERVE PINCH by Meng, which Duggan breaks by stomping his foot with the loose boot. CHOKING by Meng! This is martial arts!

Duggan's no-selling but he's kicked down by Meng and takes the DOUBLE NERVE PINCH! Duggan rallies but Meng no-sells and lops him down. ROPE CHOKING! In martial arts! Eye raking is legal too! Grounded choke! Duggan starts no-selling again and does some dogshit brawling but gets knocked over again. Return of the nerve pinch! Arm-drop routine but Duggan never looked out at any point. He rallies until he tries to headbutt a Tongan. BOOT CHOKING! And Meng doesn't even wear boots! Col. Parker gets a choke in too. Duggan dodges some elbow drops and it's time for him to get back in it with mindless brawling. Mounted punches... and THIS is what Onoo complains about? Duggan tries to toss the ref but Meng stops him. Three-point stance, clothesline... Meng no-sells and uses Col. Parker's distraction to crack off a superkick. That's it.

That wasn't any martial arts I've heard of. It was just a brawl between two guys who don't sell jack shit, with no internal consistency and no reason to care.