Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

Entry #243
Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund
I Quit Match
WWF WrestleMania XI - April 2, 1995​

And we conclude our rootle through the dregs of WM11 by taking a look at this. You'll look at that lineup and think "how could Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund in an I Quit match be bad?". Well, apparently it is! And I'm about to find out why!

Special ref for this match is Roddy Piper. Bret tries to put his sunglasses on a young fan but can't get them over his head. Bret starts strong early, knocking Bob from pillar to post, downing him, and trying the Sharpshooter, but can't get it on. While Backlund's doing a flailing sell, Piper shoves a mic in his face and shouts "WHAT DO YOU SAY" at him. Lawler challenges Vince to remember whom Bret beat to become the IC Champion at WM8 (it was Roddy Piper). Vince doesn't know. Piper's picked up the bad habit of asking Backlund if he wants to quit while he's not even in a hold. Second Sharpshooter attempt fails, but Bret puts on a Figure Four. Backlund turns it over (Piper is starting to get on my nerves) before they get to the ropes.

Bret starts working the leg. And by working, I mean sitting in a hold at length while Piper pops in to ask Backlund if he quits (he doesn't). At one point he even asks BRET if he quits, despite Bret not being in any danger at all. Backlund breaks out and soon starts working the arm. Mostly using the ropes. Piper shoves a mic in Bret's face after an Irish whip of all things. Backlund seems to be going for the crossface chickenwing but has to settle for an armbar and then a hammerlock. He keeps teasing the signature hold but never does it. At one point Bret says "hell no" into the mic, because telling Piper to go fuck himself with a cactus would be rude, and that's not babyface of him. He's audibly annoyed though. As am I.

Bret beats the hold and goes into his finish sequence: backbreaker, second rope elbow, and he's going to get on the Starpshooter but Backlund gets a rope break. We're back to where we started with Bret hammering away, but he misses a corner charge on the bad shoulder. Crossface chickenwing applies, but Bret clings on to the rope and refuses to give up. Eventually he reverses it! Backlund is in his own hold, and he says "gyaaaaaarghhh araaaaghaaaagh". I guess that means "I quit" in someone's language. Post-match Backlund says he's seen the light, and JR has the same thought I had about how he was looking at the lights earlier. Great minds, huh?

Could have been decent, had it not been for a fake Scottish man shouting in both men's faces every time the current hold changed, and sometimes even more often than that. But even on its own merits, "decent" is a letdown for these two.

SKY! WHAT DO YOU SAY!?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

SKY! WHAT DO YOU SAY!?

Fuck no

 

[Skyefire]

WrestleMania 2: George "The Animal" Steel was popular, especially with kids, Macho Man was a new I-C Champion, it worked to give him the title match. Sure, it would have been better with a Savage vs Santana rematch, though. Mr. T had more legitimacy in a wrestling/boxing ring than many celebrity wrestlers. More than most, if not all, of the NFL players. Uncle Elmer, what can I say. I think I'd rather watch Giant Gonzales vs Great Khali than Uncle Elmer vs anyone. I mentioned in the Hall of Fame thread about guys making a career out of simply being big, well he was one of the worst. The guy couldn't even say his wedding vows properly.

 

[Skyefire]

WrestleMania 9: I strongly believe that the tag team championship match would have gone on last if they weren't planning on Hogan winning the WWF title. Of course Hogan couldn't take a pinfall against either DiBiase or IRS, and Beefcake, being Hogan's buddy, couldn't either. Bob Backlund is a classic Vinny J. guy. The clean-cut, all American good guy. For better or worse, the mid-90's were a time of goofy characters and gimmicks and plain ol' Bob didn't work despite being a great wrestler. I know at one point Matt Borne appeared in ECW as Doink. This may be an unpopular opinion but heel Doink could have worked in ECW. Maybe not so much the villainous Doink that he was in WWF but maybe more of a depressed, sad clown, maybe with messed up face pain, think Krusty the Clown meets Heath Leger's Joker.

 

[Skyefire]

WrestleMania 11: how about turning the Smoking Gunns heel ahead of time and them facing Allied Powers for the titles. Then have Owen Hart face Bret Hart in a submission match. Also, Undertaker's streak wasn't really a think back then. He was just randomly winning WrestleMania matches until someone realized he hadn't lost at WrestleMania and they should turn that into an angle.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #244
The Headbangers vs. The Godwinns vs. The New Blackjacks vs. The Can-Am Express
Elimination Match
WWF WrestleMania 13 - March 23, 1997​

When you think of "one-match show", you probably think of a few things, but one that comes to mind is WrestleMania 13. Sure, this had Bret/Austin in an absolute face-melter, but what else did it have? According to Cagematch, the second best match on this card involves Ahmed Johnson and Crush. That's how you know the rest of it is the epitome of mediocrity. There's three matches where I'm going to take a look, and this is the first: the opener, showcasing the absolute state of tag team wrestling in 1997. Let's get through it.

The rules state that anyone can tag out to anyone, so it's one of those multi-team matches. Furnas and LaFon aren't even afforded graphics. It starts with a big brawl as the Blackjacks enter, and eventually settles down to Bradshaw vs. Henry O. Godwinn. Commentary mentions Shotgun Saturday Night, and oh yeah, this entire match is pretty much if Shotgun Saturday Night had a brand split. Thrasher tags in but gets booted by Bradshaw. Pumphandle slam by Bradshaw, who then tags in Phineas I. Godwinn and attacks him on the way out. He's good at playing the part of being an unrepentant asshole, wonder why.

PIG tags in Mosh and we've got the bizarre situation where the Headbangers are facing each other. At least it's not that New Age Outlaws match where they pin each other so they technically win. They ass bump each other for some reason, then tag in Phil LaFon. The Can-Am Express use actual wrestling (unbelievable, right?) including a LaFon Northern Lights suplex on Windham for two. Furnas hits a straight up Frankensteiner, then tries to leapfrog Windham, who catches him, slams him, and drops the leg. Now Bradshaw misses the Clothesline from Hell and eats a low dropkick. Furnas tries to suplex Bradshaw from the apron, but Windham clatters into him, sending everyone to the outside. Brawl on the outside between both teams, ref tries to stop it, Bradshaw shoves the ref, and the Blackjacks are DQ'd.

Also, Furnas and LaFon are inexplicably counted out. Or disqualified, despite having done nothing wrong. Way to eliminate the actually good teams in this match for no good reason. Dumbasses.

So, okay, Godwinns vs. Headbangers. HOG slams PIG on to Thrasher for two. A stalling suplex gives us a Thrasher upskirt shot, which I did not need. PIG and Thrasher spit on each other to start a brawl. Thrasher takes a couple of two-counts, but goes for the eyes and manages to tag in Mosh. Mosh and HOG both fall outside thanks to a clothesline. Mosh does a little cutter across the ropes to try and stop HOG from coming back in, followed by a pretty sweet corner crossbody. And then Mosh tosses Thrasher off the apron at HOG! "White Zombie, did they ever play with Tony Bennett?" -Vince.

Hot tag to PIG, who cleans up. Slop Drop teased on Mosh but Thrasher wipes him out with a clothesline. While Hillbilly Jim's distracting the referee, the Headbangers manage to do a bit of twin magic (I think?) and one of them hits a top rope Thesz press on PIG for the three.

Weirdly booked match, they just unceremoniously knocked out the two teams who could actually go more. The bulk of this was Godwinns vs. Headbangers, a matchup that redefines the word "meh".

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #245
Rocky Maivia (c) vs. The Sultan
for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
WWF WrestleMania 13 - March 23, 1997​

How do you follow that? With an unlikeable babyface facing a cartoon heel, of course! Rocky was in the lowest low of his career (his wrestling career, that is) when he was being completely rejected by the fanbase. And Rikishi was the Sultan, because fuck it, you've tried everything, why not make him an Arab with his tongue cut out? And why not have him be managed by both the Iron Sheik and Bob Backlund, for all the zero sense that makes? Also, Honky Tonk Man is on commentary. This is gonna suuuuuuuck.

Rocky hasn't even made his entrance and we get the first "die Rocky" sign. Sultan's entrance takes two minutes. Maybe he learned that from the Undertaker. Early going, Sultan hits a shoulderblock but Rocky just kips right up. Clothesline out of the corner by Rocky, then a series of dropkicks to take Sultan to the outside already. Ref stops him from doing a crossbody because how dare this match get interesting. "Rocky Sucks" chants begin early. Brawl on the outside, Rocky goes arm-first into the ring post, so now Sultan has a body part to work. Which he does with a few clubbing forearms, then immediately forgets about it. A Sultan clothesline gets two.

Sultan applies a shoulder nerve hold, while more "Rocky Sucks" chants build. Rocky fights back but runs right into a knee lift. Backbreaker and a top rope diving headbutt by Sultan (which visibly misses), but he delays on the cover and only gets two. Rocky tries to sunset flip a larger man (rookie mistake). Belly-to-belly suplex by Sultan gets two. Honky calls out Rocky for being blown up. Now it's time for a minute-and-a-half long chinlock, where Rocky gets the arm-drop routine, but of course, recovers.

Double clothesline, and double down. They take just under a minute to get back to their feet. Sultan goes for forearms but Rocky starts blocking! Dropkicks, uppercuts, and a belly-to-belly suplex gets two. Snap DDT by Rocky and flying crossbody should be the pin, but Sheik is distracting the ref. Sultan tries to attack from behind, but Rocky sees him. Sultan gets a superkick outta nowhere for a very close two. Piledriver by Sultan, but Rocky continues to survive... and then gets a roll-up o'doom for the win. Sultan attacks post-match, hitting Rocky with the belt. Big heel beatdown with Rocky getting put in the camel clutch, but Rocky Johnson comes out for the save. A save which takes a while to be effective. They showed Tony Atlas in the crowd. Couldn't he have helped?

You can see the glimpses of talent and showmanship in Rocky, but that's all wasted in a heatless match full of time-wasting.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #246
Sycho Sid (c) vs. The Undertaker
No Disqualification Match for the WWF Championship
WWF WrestleMania 13 - March 23, 1997​

In this match, Sid shits himself.

To be fair, it's only a rumour, and it's never been confirmed. But that brown stuff is an appropriate lead-in for this match, something that's crap in a literal sense as well as figurative. There are confirmed cases of kayfabe faeces during wrestling (the Rock Bottom onto dog poo, OVW's Poop in the Pool match, the XPW Raw Sewage match, to name but three future entries), but never literal real shit. Unless you know something I don't. In any case, they had Bret/Austin and decided to close the show with this. Let's get it out and flush it down.

For all of you Taker Entrance Watchers: the length of Undertaker's entrance for this match? 3 minutes and 41 seconds. Sid's 2 minute, 36 second entrance looks positively supersonic by comparison. The bell rings. While the two men are staring each other down, Bret Hart shows up and cuts a promo burying everyone, including guest commentator Shawn Michaels. He says he should be the champion (yep). Sid responds by powerbombing him and then cutting a promo burying Bret while security carries him off. Well, that was a waste of time. And then... the bell rings again? What was the point of that? Waste of time.

Taker begins the brawling, which Sid mostly no-sells. Punches, big boots, and a corner splash buried. As Taker slams Sid, Shawn claims Taker's been shafted more times than [OBVIOUS AUDIO CUT]. I can't find any info on what Shawn was referencing that was cut here. Taker goes Old School. He then goes for a corner splash, but Sid counters with a BEARHUG! Because yes, it is the 1970s! Sid keeps it on for, no word of a lie, nearly two minutes, past Taker's attempts to break it by shoving his face. And then when Taker gets out, Sid clubs him in the back and then puts it on again! And again! "Rest in peace" chants break out... yeah, this match makes me want to "rest in peace".

Sid gives a big boot to Taker, sends him out, and then kicks him over the Spanish announce table. Snake Eyes by Sid on to the railing, before slamming Taker on to the table (which must be Japanese, for how little it gives). Sid then slams Taker into the ring post back first and sends him back in for a two-count. Brawling resumes before Sid tries a camel clutch and a double axe handle off the top. Taker tries to fight back but Sid just keeps going. Slams him on to the obvious Steve Austin bloodstains for two, and then (eventually) a leg drop for the same result. Then what can only be described as an Inverted Rope Choke. Taker finally gets a flying clothesline and there's a double down.

Sid's got Taker in the corner but Taker headbutts his midsection and bundles him out, and then into the crowd. They start brawling over the railing, as crowd members just look on bemused. Back in the ring, Taker misses an elbow drop. And so begins another rest hold! A chinlock by Sid eats up another minute and a half of my life. Taker fights back with punches from a kneeling position, then hits a powerslam for two. And then Taker gets in on the rest hold action! And it's a nerve hold, the least effective rest hold there is. This has gone about 15 minutes and nothing memorable has happened during it other than Sid failing to break a table.

Sid tries one of the laziest big boots I've ever seen, and of course Taker catches it and clotheslines it down. Then a double big boot and double down. Sid gets up first and gets a two-count. Can you imagine them doing a Hokuto/Kandori finish like that? After absolutely nothing happened in the match prior? Sid hits a double axe handle off the second rope, waits for Taker to do it again, then does a punch to the throat off the second for two. Goes for another double axe handle but Taker smacks him in the midsection to stop the momentum. Sid slams, heads up top, but Taker does his sit-up and crotches Sid. Throw off the top rope, then Taker goes up top for a flying clothesline and a close two-count.

Taker motions for the Tombstone but Sid reverses it and hits a Tombstone of his own, even doing the signature Taker pin. It only gets two though. Sid tosses Taker out, they're brawling on the outside. Crowd finally wakes up for the presence of Bret Hart, smacking Sid with a chair. They're back in the ring, Taker chokeslams Sid, but this gets two only. Taker runs the ropes but Sid ducks his clothesline this time. Powerbomb teased, but the crowd awakens again as Bret comes out for a THIRD time to attack Sid. Sid attacks Bret, but this lets Taker get a Tombstone (and, so the rumour goes, notice a horrid smell). That finishes it, and Taker's champion 6-0 at Mania. Sid stays in his prone position then gets rolled out and gets the hell out of ringside.

Absolutely turgid. Awful stuff. Soul-crushingly dull. Even when it "picks up", it doesn't make sense. Did we really need separate Bret run-in spots? Who knows? Who cares?

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Entry #246
Sycho Sid (c) vs. The Undertaker
No Disqualification Match for the WWF Championship
WWF WrestleMania 13 - March 23, 1997​

In this match, Sid shits himself.

To be fair, it's only a rumour, and it's never been confirmed. But that brown stuff is an appropriate lead-in for this match, something that's crap in a literal sense as well as figurative. There are confirmed cases of kayfabe faeces during wrestling (the Rock Bottom onto dog poo, OVW's Poop in the Pool match, the XPW Raw Sewage match, to name but three future entries), but never literal real shit. Unless you know something I don't. In any case, they had Bret/Austin and decided to close the show with this. Let's get it out and flush it down.

For all of you Taker Entrance Watchers: the length of Undertaker's entrance for this match? 3 minutes and 41 seconds. Sid's 2 minute, 36 second entrance looks positively supersonic by comparison. The bell rings. While the two men are staring each other down, Bret Hart shows up and cuts a promo burying everyone, including guest commentator Shawn Michaels. He says he should be the champion (yep). Sid responds by powerbombing him and then cutting a promo burying Bret while security carries him off. Well, that was a waste of time. And then... the bell rings again? What was the point of that? Waste of time.

Taker begins the brawling, which Sid mostly no-sells. Punches, big boots, and a corner splash buried. As Taker slams Sid, Shawn claims Taker's been shafted more times than [OBVIOUS AUDIO CUT]. I can't find any info on what Shawn was referencing that was cut here. Taker goes Old School. He then goes for a corner splash, but Sid counters with a BEARHUG! Because yes, it is the 1970s! Sid keeps it on for, no word of a lie, nearly two minutes, past Taker's attempts to break it by shoving his face. And then when Taker gets out, Sid clubs him in the back and then puts it on again! And again! "Rest in peace" chants break out... yeah, this match makes me want to "rest in peace".

Sid gives a big boot to Taker, sends him out, and then kicks him over the Spanish announce table. Snake Eyes by Sid on to the railing, before slamming Taker on to the table (which must be Japanese, for how little it gives). Sid then slams Taker into the ring post back first and sends him back in for a two-count. Brawling resumes before Sid tries a camel clutch and a double axe handle off the top. Taker tries to fight back but Sid just keeps going. Slams him on to the obvious Steve Austin bloodstains for two, and then (eventually) a leg drop for the same result. Then what can only be described as an Inverted Rope Choke. Taker finally gets a flying clothesline and there's a double down.

Sid's got Taker in the corner but Taker headbutts his midsection and bundles him out, and then into the crowd. They start brawling over the railing, as crowd members just look on bemused. Back in the ring, Taker misses an elbow drop. And so begins another rest hold! A chinlock by Sid eats up another minute and a half of my life. Taker fights back with punches from a kneeling position, then hits a powerslam for two. And then Taker gets in on the rest hold action! And it's a nerve hold, the least effective rest hold there is. This has gone about 15 minutes and nothing memorable has happened during it other than Sid failing to break a table.

Sid tries one of the laziest big boots I've ever seen, and of course Taker catches it and clotheslines it down. Then a double big boot and double down. Sid gets up first and gets a two-count. Can you imagine them doing a Hokuto/Kandori finish like that? After absolutely nothing happened in the match prior? Sid hits a double axe handle off the second rope, waits for Taker to do it again, then does a punch to the throat off the second for two. Goes for another double axe handle but Taker smacks him in the midsection to stop the momentum. Sid slams, heads up top, but Taker does his sit-up and crotches Sid. Throw off the top rope, then Taker goes up top for a flying clothesline and a close two-count.

Taker motions for the Tombstone but Sid reverses it and hits a Tombstone of his own, even doing the signature Taker pin. It only gets two though. Sid tosses Taker out, they're brawling on the outside. Crowd finally wakes up for the presence of Bret Hart, smacking Sid with a chair. They're back in the ring, Taker chokeslams Sid, but this gets two only. Taker runs the ropes but Sid ducks his clothesline this time. Powerbomb teased, but the crowd awakens again as Bret comes out for a THIRD time to attack Sid. Sid attacks Bret, but this lets Taker get a Tombstone (and, so the rumour goes, notice a horrid smell). That finishes it, and Taker's champion 6-0 at Mania. Sid stays in his prone position then gets rolled out and gets the hell out of ringside.

Absolutely turgid. Awful stuff. Soul-crushingly dull. Even when it "picks up", it doesn't make sense. Did we really need separate Bret run-in spots? Who knows? Who cares?

Allegedly!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #247
Billy Gunn (c) vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Al Snow
Hardcore Match for the WWF Hardcore Championship
WWF WrestleMania XV - March 28, 1999​

WM15 time. A real candidate for one of the worse Manias. And this time, it is on the quality of the work. Even with WM11, which I consider a weaker Mania than this, there were only 3 matches to review there. This time? SIX matches. And we kick off, as is tradition recently, with the opener, starring Mr. Ass, a man with Head, and a former racing driver. This was part of a weird thing where Billy Gunn was going for the IC title and Road Dogg was going for the Hardcore title, but they randomly won each other's titles right before Mania. Vince Russo, everybody.

Three-way brawl kicks us off. Holly hits Gunn with a clothesline so hard that it not only turns him inside out, but outside in. Then Snow takes control of them both. He whips Holly with cables outside the Spanish announce table, then whips Gunn over the steel steps and into the barricade. Now Holly and Snow out in the aisle, Holly suplexing Snow on the outside. Gunn beats down both men but Snow stops him hitting a move on Holly. Holly thanks him by kicking him in the face. Dick.

Al Snow pulls out a hockey stick, which leads to a "let's go Flyers" chant. Snow grabs a tray of drinks but Gunn blasts him in the head with it. Gunn then snaps the hockey stick over Holly's back, and uses the half as a weapon. Snow uppercuts Gunn right in his nuts and breaks a broom over both men's backs. Gunn goes out to grab a chair but doesn't get to use it as he eats broom handle. Snow gets to use it, though, and hits a pretty sweet flying kick off the chair on to Gunn in the corner. He then tries to do the same to Holly but misses. At least I think he does, because the camera was on Gunn's face. Gunn then tosses Holly out and gives him Snake Eyes on the railing.

Snow now gets Head, attacking both men. Head tells Snow to get the table, and he does, tries to smash Holly into it in the corner but fails. Gunn hits Holly right in the head with a chair, then whips Snow into the table. Fameasser to Snow on top of the chair, but Holly breaks it up with another chair, pins Snow, and steals the win!

Not exactly a scientific match, but not awful. I get the feeling it's all downhill from here.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #248
Bart Gunn vs. Butterbean
Brawl for All Match
WWF WrestleMania XV - March 28, 1999​

Next up, we have Bart Gunn's reward for being legitimately better as a punchy man than "Dr. Death" Steve Williams. He gets to be knocked out by a real punchy man. Brawl for All could be covered in this thread as a whole, but do you really want me to see about 15 not-quite-boxing matches between men who aren't boxers? Really?

Actual boxer Vinny Pazienza gets to be the ref for this match, whilst the judges (as if they'll be needed) are two boxing figures and Gorilla Monsoon. He doesn't look great, and this ends up being his last ever WM appearance. Commentary explains the point system, as if we'll need to know that. Bart Gunn has a deadly left hand, apparently. What if they'd capitalised on that? What if they'd not just punished Bart Gunn for that?

Bart fails to land a single punch. Butterbean goes right in, getting the first knockdown before 30 seconds is up. Bart gets up eventually... walking directly into a right from Butterbean that knocks him out, ending his WWF career.

I think we've found the boxing match in a wrestling ring that I hate most, just on principle. It's not even a worked boxing match. It was designed to knock Bart Gunn out and humiliate him on the grandest stage. That's what happens when you're better than Vince wants you to be!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #249
Big Show vs. Mankind
Winner Referees the Main Event
WWF WrestleMania XV - March 28, 1999​

Next up, we've got the Mania debut of the World's Slowest Athlete! Technically, he's still "The Big Show" Paul Wight, but that gets truncated right after. He's up against Mick Foley for the chance to referee the main event. This is such a disorganised Mania when you think about it. Not only were the tag team match contenders two dudes who won a battle royal and hate each other, not only did both the New Age Outlaws end up in each other's title matches, but there's no referee for the main event! And it's going to be decided between two men who aren't referees!

Big Show comes out to No Chance In Hell, because at this point, he's an extension of Vince McMahon. Foley's in his stripes already. He tries to down Show but gets booted and headbutted out of the ring. The man's on jelly legs already. Foley manages to bash Show's face into the steel steps and teases the double-arm DDT, but Show charges him into the steps instead. He takes the resulting bump RIGHT on his neck. Show does one of his spots that's endured all his career, a series of open-hand slaps in the corner. He then hits a Russian legsweep, and he's clearly blown up already.

Foley ducks a right and Show falls out. Foley manages to bring out Socko and give Show a few mouthfuls. Show knocks him off the first couple of times, but on the third Show starts fading (thanks to a low blow in full view of the ref that takes him off his feet). Someone in the crowd has a sign that says "We want Hitman back". Arm-drop routine, but Show's living, and he recovers by falling backwards, giving Foley the full force of his 500-pound frame. Show boots Foley out, where he hits him with a few chair shots, right in front of the ref's face. Back in the ring, there's two chairs there, Show chokeslams Foley through them... and that's the DQ. Post-match Show keeps hitting Foley, tosses the ref, and then Vince comes out. Vince calls out Show for being a dumbass and Show decks him. Way to turn your hired muscle babyface immediately. Idiot. Rapey idiot.

Speaking of idiocy, why were the actual chair shots not a DQ, but the legitimate wrestling move that happened to land on some chairs a DQ? That makes no sense. Foley took a couple stupid bumps, the rest of the match was slow. Bleh.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #250
Kane vs. Triple H
WWF WrestleMania XV - March 28, 1999​

You know, I thought I'd have more Kane matches in this thread. I mean, this'll be his 6th appearance, putting him in an illustrious club that includes Hulk Hogan, the Undertaker, and Tyrus, but Kane's been involved in a lot of bad stuff. Mostly angles, to be fair, rather than bad matches. But when he's in a bad match, he can be bad with the best of them! This "earned" a star and a quarter on the Meltzer scale, which is high-end for this thread. Let's go.

Before the match, the San Diego Chicken (whom we saw after Butterbean/Bart Gunn earlier) tries to jump Kane from behind. That ends about as well as you'd expect, with the Chicken being unmasked as Pete Rose. Kane Tombstones his least favourite baseball player/gambling addict, right before his Incredibly Serious match with Triple H.

Speaking of HHH, he successfully jumps Kane from behind with a low blow. We start with HHH brawling and Kane using his power. To the outside, Kane's going for the throat thrusts but smacks his arm against the ring post. HHH whips him into the steps, which I feel was more common than a headlock in the Attitude Era. Kane tries to get back in but eats a Tiger Knee and smacks against the barricade. Kane ends the early HHH domination with a big boot, and tosses him roughly over the top rope, or as Michael Cole puts it, "Kane tosses Triple Eight ouch". To the outside again, and Kane goozles HHH and crotches him on the barricade, before tossing him into the crowd and on to the Main Street Posse. Oh no, maybe they'll be too hurt to interfere in Shane's favour in his match later.

Kane slowly walks HHH's back into the post. Now back in the ring, Kane's continuing to dominate with corner shenanigans and more throat thrusts. Kane leg drop gets two. Back-body-drop-kick routine, but Kane no-sells the kick and ploughs through HHH again. Pace so far has been... let's say "gradual". Why has Triple H tried to be a slow-paced big match wrestler for so long? He's just not. Kane no-sells a HHH comeback attempt, sends him out, then goes for a dive over the top rope. First time I've heard a crowd not care about a dive over the top rope. Kane goes up top but HHH tosses him down.

Kane misses a corner splash and now it's time for HHH to make his comeback. HHH ducks a bunch of stuff, hits a facebuster and another Tiger Knee which finally takes Kane down. Out comes Chyna, who's recently left HHH for Kane. HHH sets up the Pedigree but Kane overpowers him, and there's a double down. Chyna brings the stairs into the ring, and Kane tries to attack HHH in the corner but HHH gets his feet up. HHH trips Kane on to the steps and then clotheslines him out. They're brawling on the outside. HHH teases a Pedigree but Kane back body drops him. Back in the ring, Kane hits a chokeslam. Chyna comes in with a chair... and hits Kane! This match ends in a weird DQ, and Chyna randomly turns babyface again! HHH smacks Kane with the chair too, and he and Chyna have a Macho/Elizabeth reunion.

A match that started out slow, and then just ended. This could have gone half the time and used double the shenanigans.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #251
Sable (c) vs. Tori
for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF WrestleMania XV - March 28, 1999​

And now we get into the absolute bottom of this show's barrel. Attitude-Era women's wrestling. Need I say more? Actually, I do need to say more, because I need to draw attention to whatever the hell Tori's wearing.

Giant Gonzalez would be proud. Anyway, the match starts before Tori's in the ring. As she tries to roll in, Sable punts her in the midsection and sends her out again. Really weird spot where Sable's dragging Tori to the ropes, they bounce the ropes, and Tori falls backwards. Was that meant to be a counter? To her own move? Sable applies some obviously worked boots and tosses Tori out again. Tori drags her out and smashes her face into things, and I notice Sable's selling as little as physically possible, let alone bumping. Tori's tossed against the barricade, and Sable whiffs a crossbody flying right past Tori.

We're back in the ring and Sable's putting the boots in. Tori clatters her down and goes for ground-and-pound with punches that don't look particularly impactful. Corner clotheslines by Tori, then she hits a weird sunset flip/bodyscissors thing, that just looks slow because again Sable Does Not Want To Bump. An exchange of pin attempts, in which Tori repeatedly stumbles trying to set up a backslide. I honestly don't blame her, Sable's just so immobile. Tori ducks a bunch of stuff, goes for a crossbody, but Sable dodges and Tori bumps the ref. Because of course you need a ref bump in this match! Not the blood feuds that end in DQ, this match!

Sable preps the Sable Bomb, and Nicole Bass comes out. Tori "counters" the Sable Bomb, which I feel was more Sable failing to hold Tori up and dropping her on her ass. Tori sets up a powerbomb of her own, and this is where Nicole Bass interferes. Gorilla press drop to Tori. Sable's confused but eventually takes the opportunity for a Sable Bomb and easy win.

Truly awful and botchy five minutes, and blame for that goes largely to Sable. She didn't have to bump because she Didn't Want To. Makes me pine for the Mighty Maccabee. (note to self: watch that too)

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #252
The Undertaker vs. Big Boss Man
Hell in a Cell Match
WWF WrestleMania XV - March 28, 1999​

And we finish our look at WM15 with this, the Undertaker match! How did Taker streak matches suck so often? Come to think of it, how did we have a bad Hell in a Cell match so quickly after the stip's debut? This is literally the third ever PPV Cell. And it's a weird heel/heel affair between the Corporation's Boss Man and the Ministry's Undertaker. Who would soon be revealed to be on the same side. Uh?

Taker Entrance Watch: the length of this entrance is 2 minutes, 16 seconds. Boss Man ducks Taker's right hand and punches in the corner, until Taker reverses it and roughs him up. A big Taker clothesline gets two. Taker telegraphs a back body drop but Boss Man hits a neckbreaker for two. Taker gets his sit-up out of the way early, but Boss Man boots him down. Then he does another, and starts smashing away at Boss Man. They're now at ringside and Taker gradually slams Boss Man into the Cell. "You can get a finger caught in there!" -Cole on the dangers of the Cell.

Boss Man tosses Taker into the Cell and grabs some handcuffs. Taker's now cuffed to the Cell wall. Boss Man has his nightstick and delivers a big old beating. As Taker falls, the cuffs break. Not sure if that was intentional. Taker's now bleeding, and Boss Man chokes him with the nightstick. Eventually, though, Taker chokes him and smashes him against the Cell. Then Taker grabs a chair to use, while Paul Bearer gives the most delightful mocking faces on the outside. Boss Man gets battering-ram smashed into the Cell wall. A few guys try to start a "boring" chant.

Back in the ring, Taker hits a flying (flipping) clothesline for two. He tries to go Old School but Boss Man crotches him. Back in the ring, it's just a big man brawl, until Taker drops to his knees and uppercuts the pig right in his little piglets. Tombstone teased, but Boss Man reverses. Boss Man misses a clothesline, and the Tombstone lands to end it.

Post-match, Taker calls down the Brood from the ceiling. They send down a noose for Taker, which he uses to Actually Fucking Hang Boss Man And Make Him Dead. Bearer presses the button that lifts the cell, which strings Boss Man up. Cole wonders if this is symbolic. It's not symbolic. It's literally trying to kill a man by hanging him. Cut to the Rage Party, because everyone partying down is a good way to follow someone being murdered.

Actually, Boss Man's a cop. So, no big deal. Anyway, this match sucked.