Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

WHO DA MAN!?

 

[Sky]

Entry #253
The RAW 15th Anniversary Battle Royal
WWE Monday Night RAW - December 10, 2007​

I'm going to say that'll be the end of my "watch every bad match on a bad Mania" for now. There's only so many generic big man brawls you can drag yourself through after all. Let's watch some more weird shit! Like this, the RAW 15th Anniversary Battle Royal! It's like the Gimmick Battle Royal, except less fun! We've got 15 entrants whom they could convince to show up. So, who we got?

• Al Snow
• Bart Gunn
• Doink the Clown (played here by Steve Lombardi)
• Repo Man
• Steve Blackman
• Pete Gas
• Bob Backlund
• The Goon
• Skinner
• Irwin R. Schyster
• Flash Funk
• Gangrel
• Scotty 2 Hotty
• Jim Neidhart
• Sgt. Slaughter
• Gillberg (getting a full Goldberg-style parody entrance)

You may notice that that isn't 15 people, but 16. Not like it matters as everyone goes out of their way to toss out Gillberg. So begins the battle royal in earnest, as Backlund is immediately gone. Snow uses Head to remove Doink, followed by Gangrel, before Flash Funk in his Caillou outfit takes Snow out. Pete Gas gets tossed by Bart Gunn, who gets tossed by Blackman, who gets tossed by Funk, who eliminates himself. Repo Man eliminates Goon, but gets eliminated by Neidhart, who gets eliminated by Skinner, and it actually happens as fast as that. Also, Goon struggles to get over the top rope at all. We're about a minute in, and we're already down to four.

IRS pulls out his briefcase, Scotty counters, and IRS is down, allowing Scotty to do the Worm on him! He immediately goes to Skinner and gets tossed. Slaughter goes for the Cobra Clutch but Skinner rams him into the turnbuckle. He then misses a charge and gets tossed by Slaughter... but then Slaughter is removed by IRS for the win. Or so it seems as Ted DiBiase shows up, pays IRS to eliminate himself. Which IRS does.

I have no idea what the point of that was. Not directly offensive, but did pretty much nothing with the legends' personas aside from like, 3 of them. No idea why you'd wheel out Backlund and not even have him do the knee walk. No fake blood for Gangrel. No Repo Man trying to repossess Bart Gunn's hat. See, I'm a better booker than anyone in WWE. You know it.

 

[Rosie]

Should have had The Goon try to shoot a puck at Doink the clown.

 

[Sky]

Should have had The Goon try to shoot a puck at Doink the clown.

YOU GET IT

 

[Sky]

Entry #254
El Gigante/Koji Kitao vs. Typhoon/The Great Shinja
WAR Champion of R: Super Heavy WAR - December 8, 1995​

I'm a sucker for weird matchups, especially if they involve guys in Japan that you wouldn't expect to be there. WAR is a goldmine for that kind of thing because you get all the random WWF guys. Such as Shinja! Yes, it is Akio Sato, so that's not too strange, but he's playing the white-faced gimmick like he was when he was Hakushi's handler. And on the opposite side you have Koji "wrestling is fake, I don't want to play anymore" Kitao, and in his final match, El Gigante. Let's see what this is!

The staff member struggling to pat down Gigante's colossal frame really pops the crowd. This starts a bit of a brawl, where Gigante is against Shinja. Shinja's trying some stuff but Gigante is against the ropes just not selling at all. There's an edit (presumably nothing special was missed there) and then we have Typhoon squaring off against Kitao. Kitao delivers karate kicks and tries to lock on an armbar until Shinja breaks it up. Shinja goes to the eyes against Kitao, then goes to the top rope. Kitao sells absolutely nothing, throwing and kicking him down.

Typhoon gets kicked some more, and when he's up eventually eats a back suplex. Shinja breaks up the pin, and when the ref's distracted Typhoon hits a clothesline to the back of the head (which Kitao doesn't sell) and a back suplex of his own. Typhoon misses a big splash and Kitao kicks him. He tries a Boston crab but can't get it because Shinja kicks him in the nuts. Hot tag to Gigante... wait, no, because Shinja takes his knees out with a chair. Eventually he boots Shinja away, tosses his chair back at him right in front of the ref. Kitao and Typhoon fight a bit in the ring, but Gigante fails to make it into the ring and is counted out.

Nothing match, lame finish, suffered from Kitao underselling. I love curiosities like this, though.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #247
Billy Gunn (c) vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Al Snow
Hardcore Match for the WWF Hardcore Championship
WWF WrestleMania XV - March 28, 1999​

WM15 time. A real candidate for one of the worse Manias. And this time, it is on the quality of the work. Even with WM11, which I consider a weaker Mania than this, there were only 3 matches to review there. This time? SIX matches. And we kick off, as is tradition recently, with the opener, starring Mr. Ass, a man with Head, and a former racing driver. This was part of a weird thing where Billy Gunn was going for the IC title and Road Dogg was going for the Hardcore title, but they randomly won each other's titles right before Mania. Vince Russo, everybody.

Three-way brawl kicks us off. Holly hits Gunn with a clothesline so hard that it not only turns him inside out, but outside in. Then Snow takes control of them both. He whips Holly with cables outside the Spanish announce table, then whips Gunn over the steel steps and into the barricade. Now Holly and Snow out in the aisle, Holly suplexing Snow on the outside. Gunn beats down both men but Snow stops him hitting a move on Holly. Holly thanks him by kicking him in the face. Dick.

Al Snow pulls out a hockey stick, which leads to a "let's go Flyers" chant. Snow grabs a tray of drinks but Gunn blasts him in the head with it. Gunn then snaps the hockey stick over Holly's back, and uses the half as a weapon. Snow uppercuts Gunn right in his nuts and breaks a broom over both men's backs. Gunn goes out to grab a chair but doesn't get to use it as he eats broom handle. Snow gets to use it, though, and hits a pretty sweet flying kick off the chair on to Gunn in the corner. He then tries to do the same to Holly but misses. At least I think he does, because the camera was on Gunn's face. Gunn then tosses Holly out and gives him Snake Eyes on the railing.

Snow now gets Head, attacking both men. Head tells Snow to get the table, and he does, tries to smash Holly into it in the corner but fails. Gunn hits Holly right in the head with a chair, then whips Snow into the table. Fameasser to Snow on top of the chair, but Holly breaks it up with another chair, pins Snow, and steals the win!

Not exactly a scientific match, but not awful. I get the feeling it's all downhill from here.

Finally someone else who gets how f'ed up the Billy Gunn/Road Dogg switcheroo was. Not only was Billy Gunn going for the I-C Title and Road Dogg going for the Hardcore Title, Gunn was involved in the Ryan Shamrock love quadrilateral(?) angle.

 

[Chris]

Yeah the singles switch was a great example of Russo swerving to swerve. Makes no sense if Billy was the planned KOTR winner still

 

[Sky]

Entry #255
Goldust (c) vs. The Ultimate Warrior
for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
WWF In Your House 7: Good Friends, Better Enemies - April 28, 1996​

When I go to a "worst of all time" candidate, I check Cagematch to see if there's any other potential candidates on the same show for a multi-match deal. For this one? There weren't any. Even the Bodydonnas vs. the Godwinns seems to be on the right side of mediocre to avoid coverage here. So why is this considered by that particular site as one of the worst disasters in wrestling history? Considering that it features Warrior in 1996, I can see why it would be bad, but why this bad?

I don't know why, but the Network's timestamps are pretty badly messed up on this show specifically, so I had to scrub through to find when this match started. Anyway...

Champ out first, accompanied not only by Marlena, but by a new bodyguard portrayed by Mantaur. Warrior's apparently mad because Goldust put glitter in his face during the pre-show. Goldust's knee is taped up. Not gonna lie, Warrior's entrance with mid-90s production values (and a ton of pyro) is pretty hype. Goldust is playing the cowardly heel here, I see.

Bodyguard tries to enter but the ref stops him. Goldust slides in, but as soon as Warrior points at him, he drags Marlena off up the aisle. While they're gone, Warrior grabs Marlena's dropped cigar and gets back in the ring so the ref can start the count. And then immediately stop the count when Warrior brings out the director's chair. He takes Goldust's robe and wig and has a bit of a break on the chair. The most action that's happened so far is the bodyguard shouting at Warrior. And then it gets INCREDIBLY uncomfortable as Warrior conducts the crowd in a rousing rendition of "Bundle of Sticks". Goldust is mad, and he walks back up the mat. And then down again.

Goldust grabs a FUCKING MIC and threatens to kiss every one of the fans, which leads them to an encore performance, this time singing "Spanish Word for Bassoon". You know what I'm talking about. Goldust gets on the apron, so Warrior tosses the wig at him. In they come, and Goldust nudges Marlena in front of Warrior. He returns the cigar to her, like a gentleman(???) then offers the robe to Goldust. Goldust is rather trepidatious, but eventually gets the apron and takes a seat in the chair. Goldust and Marlena are together, and Warrior... takes the cigar and smokes it some more? Goldust extends his hand and Warrior stubs the cigar out on it, then clotheslines him out of the director's chair. Goldust and Co. get the hell out, and the count-out happens for real.

So, what was that waste of time all about? Apparently, Goldust injured his knee legitimately in the pre-show angle I mentioned, so was in no condition to work an actual match. So we got this. Eight minutes of time-wasting, multiple homophobic chants, a cigar, a clothesline, and a count-out. Baffling stuff.

 

[Sky]

Entry #256
Orlando Jordan (c) vs. The Ultimate Warrior
for the NWE World Heavyweight Championship
NWE Summer Tour: Return of the Warrior - June 25, 2008​

On the subject of the Warrior, the final match of his career has been a mainstay of the Flop 50. No, not the one with Hogan, the other one. This match, nearly a decade after the Hogan match, on a random show in Spain, just so his kids could see him in the ring. Apparently he wanted his kids to hate wrestling. I'm sad that none of the rest of this card was filmed, because there's some BANGERS for fans of weird matches on here. Super Nova (brother of Texano Jr.) facing PAC? Italy's favourite Samoan, Black Pearl, teaming with Rikishi to take on Chris Masters and Heidenreich? Big Vito beating up a woman for no reason? Yes please. But, all we have is this match.

Champ Jordan comes out first, because Warrior is Important. He's accompanied by some Italian model (a woman, because you actually need to specify when Orlando Jordan is involved). Warrior dashes to the ring, and he's visibly gasping for air mid-entrance. His two young daughters come out into the ring, and as soon as they're away, Jordan starts clobbering Warrior from behind. Warrior is immediately in no-sell mode, booting away at Jordan in the corner. Series of punches by Jordan which visibly don't come close to landing. Warrior tosses Jordan around (or rather, Jordan flips around his static body) and starts shaking the ropes, an act which tires him even further. They brawl on the outside for a bit (or rather, Warrior hits Jordan without reprisal for a bit).

Back in the ring, Jordan tries to whip Warrior to no avail, and then gets his face bashed into the buckles. Warrior clotheslines Jordan out to get yet another break. It's not even been 3 minutes. Stalling, then a big staredown. Lock-up. Warrior overpowers Jordan but it's not clear how, as the camera cuts randomly to Dana watching from ringside. And then Jordan manages to get a wristlock, and again we've no idea how because of a cut to one of the daughters. Warrior reverses into a wristlock of his own, Jordan gets a waistlock (more like a waste-of-time lock). Warrior can't quite break out, but eventually reverses into a waistlock on Jordan. Daughters look bemused. Warrior has a hammerlock, Jordan tries to elbow out of it and Warrior undersells again. He no-sells a shoulderblock. Jordan keeps going for pin attempts. I feel myself ageing in real time.

Warrior hits a back body drop, and Jordan rolls to the outside again so Warrior can again exhaust himself by shaking the ropes. Then he rolls out and stares down the Italian model. Jordan starts kicking Warrior on the outside. At least I think he does, the camera work is atrocious. There's audible cuts when switching camera angles because no one at NWE knows how to sync up shots properly. Also it misses the moves. Jordan teases a move, camera cuts to a bored-looking Dana, and suddenly Warrior's standing tall? What? They brawl a bit up the aisle, Jordan pushes Warrior's back into the ring post, then starts choking(?) him on the outside.

Back in the ring, Jordan's just taunting the crowd and occasionally slapping Warrior. Eventually Warrior downs Jordan by punching him in his dick right in front of the ref. Powerslam by Warrior for two. Jordan goes up top, Warrior follows him and hits a superplex for a double down. Jordan eventually grabs on to Warrior's leg as he Warriors up! No selling, shaking the ropes... three awful clotheslines, and unexpectedly, a crossbody! I didn't think Warrior could even hit a crossbody in his prime. And just when I'm starting to be mildly impressed, Warrior tries another powerslam, but straight up collapses on top of Jordan. Warrior goes for the splash but Jordan gets the knees up. ANOTHER long double down.

Back cracker from Jordan gets two. Suddenly, Warrior gets up, just as he did for HHH's Pedigree. Some more dreadful clotheslines follow, and then a shoulderblock... and that's it. Warrior's the champion. Daughters come out to celebrate, eventually. Warrior grabs a mic, and says something or other, it's not really clear because the acoustics are awful. He pats himself on the back for modesty, claims Jordan will be the future of this business (LOL what?) and vacates the strap.

Too fucking long. That's all I can really say about this match. It's sad to watch, and it's slow, and it's too fucking long.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #255
Goldust (c) vs. The Ultimate Warrior
for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
WWF In Your House 7: Good Friends, Better Enemies - April 28, 1996​

When I go to a "worst of all time" candidate, I check Cagematch to see if there's any other potential candidates on the same show for a multi-match deal. For this one? There weren't any. Even the Bodydonnas vs. the Godwinns seems to be on the right side of mediocre to avoid coverage here. So why is this considered by that particular site as one of the worst disasters in wrestling history? Considering that it features Warrior in 1996, I can see why it would be bad, but why this bad?

I don't know why, but the Network's timestamps are pretty badly messed up on this show specifically, so I had to scrub through to find when this match started. Anyway...

Champ out first, accompanied not only by Marlena, but by a new bodyguard portrayed by Mantaur. Warrior's apparently mad because Goldust put glitter in his face during the pre-show. Goldust's knee is taped up. Not gonna lie, Warrior's entrance with mid-90s production values (and a ton of pyro) is pretty hype. Goldust is playing the cowardly heel here, I see.

Bodyguard tries to enter but the ref stops him. Goldust slides in, but as soon as Warrior points at him, he drags Marlena off up the aisle. While they're gone, Warrior grabs Marlena's dropped cigar and gets back in the ring so the ref can start the count. And then immediately stop the count when Warrior brings out the director's chair. He takes Goldust's robe and wig and has a bit of a break on the chair. The most action that's happened so far is the bodyguard shouting at Warrior. And then it gets INCREDIBLY uncomfortable as Warrior conducts the crowd in a rousing rendition of "Bundle of Sticks". Goldust is mad, and he walks back up the mat. And then down again.

Goldust grabs a FUCKING MIC and threatens to kiss every one of the fans, which leads them to an encore performance, this time singing "Spanish Word for Bassoon". You know what I'm talking about. Goldust gets on the apron, so Warrior tosses the wig at him. In they come, and Goldust nudges Marlena in front of Warrior. He returns the cigar to her, like a gentleman(???) then offers the robe to Goldust. Goldust is rather trepidatious, but eventually gets the apron and takes a seat in the chair. Goldust and Marlena are together, and Warrior... takes the cigar and smokes it some more? Goldust extends his hand and Warrior stubs the cigar out on it, then clotheslines him out of the director's chair. Goldust and Co. get the hell out, and the count-out happens for real.

So, what was that waste of time all about? Apparently, Goldust injured his knee legitimately in the pre-show angle I mentioned, so was in no condition to work an actual match. So we got this. Eight minutes of time-wasting, multiple homophobic chants, a cigar, a clothesline, and a count-out. Baffling stuff.

The bodyguard is Mantaur? Was he in full Mantaur regalia? I hope so.

 

[Sky]

The bodyguard is Mantaur? Was he in full Mantaur regalia? I hope so.

Nah he was in a typical "shady possibly-Mafia-affiliated bodyguard" getup

Warrior beat him up and stole his hat after but I stopped caring

 

[Sky]

Entry #257
Tarzan Goto/Mr. Gannosuke vs. The Headhunters
Bath House Deathmatch
IWA Japan - August 21, 1995​

Okay, I was going to watch Rebel vs. Shelly Martinez, but something diverted me. A BATH HOUSE DEATHMATCH. This is what you call Japanese indie sleaze. And naturally, it features your friends the Headhunters, who've had some of the strangest careers I've ever come upon. Rules are simple: It's in an actual Japanese bath house, with actual people cleaning themselves. While it's a tag team match, one of the partners of each team isn't anywhere near the mat, but in a hot tub. One where the heat is constantly being increased. You lose if your partner leaves the tub. This sounds so shit it's brilliant, which is where this thread really shines. Let's get clean!

Goto immediately goes over to threaten some partially clothed women. Goto and one of the Headhunters are the ones who go to the tubs. For convenience's sake, let's say A is on the mat, and B is in the tub. They start splashing each other like overgrown children.

Meanwhile, on the mat, A and Gannosuke are actually wrestling. A downs Gannosuke with clubbing blows and chokes him on the mat. Gannosuke demonstrates the ability to stop himself after taking an Irish whip (a rarity among wrestlers) and hits a lariat that gets a one-count. He then tags in Goto, who drags his wet body over and starts fighting A. They walk and brawl for a bit, and oop, that's the women's bath, and there's some naked ladies who are frightened of the wrestling match that is going on among them right now. Goto tries to drown A in the tub and tosses water over them. We get a look at the process of turning up the heat in the tubs, which apparently involves wood-burning stoves. Goto and A brawl in the tub for a bit while fucking Batman music and sound effects play.

We;re back on the mat, as Goto tries to tie up A's legs but fails and just tags Gannosuke back in. Goto then starts splashing B while Gannosuke and A lamp each other with washbuckets. Eventually Goto and B both try to get out to join the fight. Of course, the ref isn't happy with this and gives a yellow card to both. Goto is back in the tub and is trying to straight up drown B so he dies. Literal deathmatch. More wood is added to the stoves. Meanwhile on the mat, Gannosuke has a cross-arm breaker applied, which A gets out of by biting Gannosuke's calf. A bit of slow-motion post-production stuff tries to sell the absolute heat involved in this.

A applies a submission to Gannosuke's leg, but Gannosuke rolls him up. B eventually scrambles out, and that's the match, I guess. Headhunters lose. A is disappointed with B for losing while literally under the threat of drowning, while we get a few random shots of the women's bath for no reason, including a second-long glimpse of a woman with a rather perky pair of bosoms. Odd juxtaposition there.

Bizarre. I have no idea what to think of it. At least there was sort of wrestling, I guess? Also, check the date. This took place literally the DAY after the Kawasaki Dream card which featured the infamous King of the Deathmatch. One of the most bloody and influential matches of all time. and a day later they were doing this. At least it was a one-off...

...what? There's another one?

 

[Sky]

Entry #258
Tarzan Goto/Mr. Gannosuke vs. Keisuke Yamada/Shoji Nakamaki
Bath House Deathmatch
IWA Japan - August 21, 1995​

Yep, they did another one. This time not featuring the Headhunters, but instead another deathmatch guy and the future Black Buffalo of the Osaka Pro crew. Will it distinguish itself from the original? Let's find out.

Nakamaki and Gannosuke are first in the tubs. They actualy do a bit of mat wrestling, shockingly. There's a struggle for control of the arm, then Goto slaps on a Fujiwara armbar. Nakamaki, apparently not knowing the rules, tries to go out to break it up. Yellow card? Red card? No idea. Yamada tries to out-mat Goto, who pulls off La Magistral for what apparently is a three-count. What even are the rules in this match? It's unclear. Actually, I tried looking it up, and apparently the win condition (if it's not your partner leaving the tub) involves getting a three count, then you're eligible to go into the women's bath and try to drown your opponent. So, in that first match, Goto got a three on Headhunter A and the camera missed it. Good to know.

And of course that means we enter the women's bath, and that means more naked ladies. They run around in panic as the world's most slippery walk-and-brawl takes place and Goto tries to submerge Yamada's face in the tub. Meanwhile in the men's bath, time to turn up the heat. They're on the mat again, and Goto's tossing weaved baskets at Yamada, who's selling them like they're cinderblocks. Then Goto whips him with.... something? We cut to the tubs, and when we're back, Yamada has grabbed that something. Hot tag to Nakamaki and Gannosuke. Nakamaki does a slippery DDT for two. Back suplex by Gannosuke gets another three, and now it's time to visit the women's bath again! More screaming!

Nakamaki manages to toss Gannosuke into the tub, then herds a stampede of nude ladies who are running from the fight. Now they're outside of the bath house! They're walk-and-brawling, and Nakamaki slowly rams Gannosuke into things. Back at the bath house, MORE HEAT! Goto and Yamada start splashing each other like children. Yellow cards are shown, and that means team Yamada/Nakamaki has had two Public Warnings already. The other two have brawled back to the mat, where Goto runs out for no reason other than to spit and gets a yellow. Nakamaki puts on an STF, then Gannosuke gets a hammerlock.

Walk-and-brawl to the men's tub, where Nakamaki is tossed into Goto's tub, and Goto starts trying to drown him. Apparently that's a tag. Goto pours some water over himself. The naked women from the women's bath are watching over the partition. Yamada is straight up not having a good time. A slippery small package by Goto gets him another pin, and that's the cue for naked ladies to make a run for it. There's more bare breasts between these two matches than you'll ever see in the entire rest of wrestling. Meanwhile in the furnace, MORE HEAT. EVEN MORE WOOD. Yamada leaves his tub and gets a third yellow, but it doesn't work and he gets attacked by Goto. There's a bit of double teaming in the women's bath. Yamada falls on his ass.

Tag to Gannosuke, and I guess Yamada's legal now. The yellow-vested ring announcer gets shoved in the tub! Everyone's fighting in the tub! One of the ring girls (distinguished from the bathgoers by wearing any clothes at all) blows a whistle for some reason. Back on the mat, Gannosuke hits Yamada with a piledriver for a pin, so we return to harassing naked ladies! One of them is just staying no matter what! PILEDRIVER IN THE TUB! They start tossing buckets at each other! Then back, tag to Goto. Time for more heat... they literally can't fit any more wood in! Nakamaki and Gannosuke are straight up not having a good time right now. They splash the ring girl.

Apparently there was another three-count and the camera missed it, because we're back to the women's bath! Goto's courteous enough to shampoo Yamada down before trying to submerge him. That one woman is still there. Gannosuke takes a third yellow to toss the announcer in the tub again and run out. Goto's applying a Boston crab and Gannosuke adds to it with a chinlock. Nakamaki's dying in here. Goto tags out to Gannosuke again, who hits a vertical suplex for two. Yamada comes out of nowhere with an enzuigiri, then climbs some steps to attempt a diving headbutt, but Goto dodges. Sliding hot tag to Goto! Nakamaki's too dead to tag.

Goto uses the move that isn't yet known as the Styles Clash. Then again, but with Yamada's face on a bucket to get another fall. Goto whacks Yamada with the wooden stairs before returning again to the women's bath. Nakamaki and Gannosuke are feeling the heat so badly, they even add FIRE in post to show how hot it is! That's how you know! Finally, Yamada is out enough to be submerged for a count of five, and that's the match. Gannosuke is desperately trying to cool down. Nakamaki is slumped over the edge of the tub. Goto is the winner, and he and Gannosuke celebrate by shoving their opponents' faces into the bodies of unwilling bathgoers. They go out, are attacked by the Headhunters, and then walk away with the ring girls.

....I just watched a cinematic match, didn't I?

Anyway, this is going straight to the top of the list and most likely never being beaten. It actually uses the ridiculous stip properly, gives some actually interesting (though very much not serious) spots, and manages to be so stupid it's AMAZING. Definitely still in the bad matches thread, but this is the epitome of fun bad. Sadly it's not as available as the Headhunters one, but you have to see it.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #258
Tarzan Goto/Mr. Gannosuke vs. Keisuke Yamada/Shoji Nakamaki
Bath House Deathmatch
IWA Japan - August 21, 1995​

Yep, they did another one. This time not featuring the Headhunters, but instead another deathmatch guy and the future Black Buffalo of the Osaka Pro crew. Will it distinguish itself from the original? Let's find out.

Nakamaki and Gannosuke are first in the tubs. They actualy do a bit of mat wrestling, shockingly. There's a struggle for control of the arm, then Goto slaps on a Fujiwara armbar. Nakamaki, apparently not knowing the rules, tries to go out to break it up. Yellow card? Red card? No idea. Yamada tries to out-mat Goto, who pulls off La Magistral for what apparently is a three-count. What even are the rules in this match? It's unclear. Actually, I tried looking it up, and apparently the win condition (if it's not your partner leaving the tub) involves getting a three count, then you're eligible to go into the women's bath and try to drown your opponent. So, in that first match, Goto got a three on Headhunter A and the camera missed it. Good to know.

And of course that means we enter the women's bath, and that means more naked ladies. They run around in panic as the world's most slippery walk-and-brawl takes place and Goto tries to submerge Yamada's face in the tub. Meanwhile in the men's bath, time to turn up the heat. They're on the mat again, and Goto's tossing weaved baskets at Yamada, who's selling them like they're cinderblocks. Then Goto whips him with.... something? We cut to the tubs, and when we're back, Yamada has grabbed that something. Hot tag to Nakamaki and Gannosuke. Nakamaki does a slippery DDT for two. Back suplex by Gannosuke gets another three, and now it's time to visit the women's bath again! More screaming!

Nakamaki manages to toss Gannosuke into the tub, then herds a stampede of nude ladies who are running from the fight. Now they're outside of the bath house! They're walk-and-brawling, and Nakamaki slowly rams Gannosuke into things. Back at the bath house, MORE HEAT! Goto and Yamada start splashing each other like children. Yellow cards are shown, and that means team Yamada/Nakamaki has had two Public Warnings already. The other two have brawled back to the mat, where Goto runs out for no reason other than to spit and gets a yellow. Nakamaki puts on an STF, then Gannosuke gets a hammerlock.

Walk-and-brawl to the men's tub, where Nakamaki is tossed into Goto's tub, and Goto starts trying to drown him. Apparently that's a tag. Goto pours some water over himself. The naked women from the women's bath are watching over the partition. Yamada is straight up not having a good time. A slippery small package by Goto gets him another pin, and that's the cue for naked ladies to make a run for it. There's more bare breasts between these two matches than you'll ever see in the entire rest of wrestling. Meanwhile in the furnace, MORE HEAT. EVEN MORE WOOD. Yamada leaves his tub and gets a third yellow, but it doesn't work and he gets attacked by Goto. There's a bit of double teaming in the women's bath. Yamada falls on his ass.

Tag to Gannosuke, and I guess Yamada's legal now. The yellow-vested ring announcer gets shoved in the tub! Everyone's fighting in the tub! One of the ring girls (distinguished from the bathgoers by wearing any clothes at all) blows a whistle for some reason. Back on the mat, Gannosuke hits Yamada with a piledriver for a pin, so we return to harassing naked ladies! One of them is just staying no matter what! PILEDRIVER IN THE TUB! They start tossing buckets at each other! Then back, tag to Goto. Time for more heat... they literally can't fit any more wood in! Nakamaki and Gannosuke are straight up not having a good time right now. They splash the ring girl.

Apparently there was another three-count and the camera missed it, because we're back to the women's bath! Goto's courteous enough to shampoo Yamada down before trying to submerge him. That one woman is still there. Gannosuke takes a third yellow to toss the announcer in the tub again and run out. Goto's applying a Boston crab and Gannosuke adds to it with a chinlock. Nakamaki's dying in here. Goto tags out to Gannosuke again, who hits a vertical suplex for two. Yamada comes out of nowhere with an enzuigiri, then climbs some steps to attempt a diving headbutt, but Goto dodges. Sliding hot tag to Goto! Nakamaki's too dead to tag.

Goto uses the move that isn't yet known as the Styles Clash. Then again, but with Yamada's face on a bucket to get another fall. Goto whacks Yamada with the wooden stairs before returning again to the women's bath. Nakamaki and Gannosuke are feeling the heat so badly, they even add FIRE in post to show how hot it is! That's how you know! Finally, Yamada is out enough to be submerged for a count of five, and that's the match. Gannosuke is desperately trying to cool down. Nakamaki is slumped over the edge of the tub. Goto is the winner, and he and Gannosuke celebrate by shoving their opponents' faces into the bodies of unwilling bathgoers. They go out, are attacked by the Headhunters, and then walk away with the ring girls.

....I just watched a cinematic match, didn't I?

Anyway, this is going straight to the top of the list and most likely never being beaten. It actually uses the ridiculous stip properly, gives some actually interesting (though very much not serious) spots, and manages to be so stupid it's AMAZING. Definitely still in the bad matches thread, but this is the epitome of fun bad. Sadly it's not as available as the Headhunters one, but you have to see it.

This isn't a cinematic match.

This is cinema.

 

[Sky]

Entry #259
Rebel vs. Shelly Martinez
Queen of the Knockouts First Round Match
TNA One Night Only: Knockouts Knockdown 4 - April 22, 2016​

As I was saying before bath houses happened... Rebel vs. Shelly! You know it's not good. But is it the true heir to Jenna/Sharmell that people say? Fun fact: this aired on my birthday.

Shelly is in an ill-fitting swimsuit (as in, she has huge outerboob hanging out) and Dia de los Muertos makeup. Something to do with Mexican heritage, no idea. "I wish we could start broadcasting in 3D" -JB on the tightness of Rebel's shorts. Staredown to start, both appeal to the crowd, and Shelly tells the unfazed fans that she isn't ugly. After a minute of belltime, we get some contact, with Shelly backing Rebel into the corner. Rebel takes off her jacket and folds it at length while Shelly puts her hair up. Finally the match proper starts with Shelly ducking a clothesline, hitting a not-bad armdrag, and working the arm. Sort of. Mostly just holding the arm while Rebel screams "GETTEROFFFFF GETTEROFFFF". Shelly then wrenches both arms a bit before rolling into a pin.

Shelly catches Rebel's kick and drops her into a split position, before going for a dropkick and mostly missing. Rebel uses the ref as a human shield and pokes Shelly in the eyes. Then the offence goes full Divas era, so much hair pulling. Rebel really awkwardly tries to go into an abdominal stretch... then drops down into... well, something else. In case there's any doubt on what this offence is meant to be targeting, Shelly screams "MY VAG!!" for everyone to hear. She clarifies by responding to the standard ref "what do you say" with "I SAID MY VAG HURTS!". I've heard speculation that they were very picky about their shots in this spot because Shelly's ill-fitting swimsuit had left her vag not just hurting, but exposed. But if that's the case, why not just edit the whole match out?

Boot choke by Rebel, who misses a handspring elbow (which somehow looks worse than usual because Rebel kills her momentum before the elbow part). Shelly starts to take control with shitty-looking clotheslines and hair-facebusters. Shelly goes for a crossbody, which lands really low because Rebel doesn't catch her. They have to transition it into a shitty-looking sorta-armdrag. Shelly hits a DDT and Rebel leaves the ring. Shelly goes for a dive to the outside, which is thwarted when Rebel hits her in the face mid-flight, and leaves her tangled in the ropes.

At least, that's what is SUPPOSED to happen. What actually happens is this. Rebel's standing outside while Shelly prepares her dive. Shelly slowly jogs to the ropes, then immediately kills her own momentum before apparently going for the dive. Rebel completely forgets to hit Shelly, meaning Shelly just flops and gets caught in the ropes for no reason. About two seconds later Rebel remembers she has to hit Shelly and does the motion for it, just looking stupid. Oh well. At least the match is over right after that, with Rebel rolling Shelly (1) in and (2) up.

This match's advantage over Jenna/Sharmell is that the wrestlers were trained. And the fact that the action doesn't manage to be much better than Jenna/Sharmell's should really say something.