Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #269
Earthquake vs. Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
WWF WrestleMania VII - March 24, 1991​

And now we enter a gauntlet of FOUR matches in a row! Two matches I wanted to cover, and two minute-long squashes that I'm only touching because they got 0 or fewer stars from Meltzer. They really back-loaded the crap on the Mania 7 card. This is Earthquake vs. Hammer. I can tell what would be more effective at hurting you, if that's what they're asking.

Both entrances get eaten up by a look at which celebrities are there. Lock-up, and Quake has Valentine in the corner. Delayed powerslam and delayed pin gets a two-count, but Valentine's shaking like he's got spinal damage. Quake misses a corner charge and Valentine goes into the corner with chops and shots. Quake only sells a little, but Valentine struggles to get him off his feet, only getting him to one knee with an elbow to the back of the head. He's up with clothesline after clothesline, until Valentine topples him with a top rope 12-6 elbow. Valentine teases the Figure Four but instead gives Quake a headbutt to the nads. He can't apply it because Jimmy Hart is distracting him by shouting in his face. This lets Quake hit Valentine, and an elbow and Earthquake Splash puts the match to bed.

If this was intended to get Earthquake over, why did Valentine dominate most of it? Silly.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #270
The Legion of Doom vs. Power and Glory
WWF WrestleMania VII - March 24, 1991​

Spoiler: this lasts about a minute. But this got a DUD from Meltzer, despite lasting about a minute, so I gotta do it. P&G interfered in a Road Warriors match in the build so now they gotta die. Or something.

Another jobber entrance at WM! P&G attack the LOD during their entrance, but Hawk (of course) completely no-sells it, because he's fucking Hawk. Clotheslines for both of them. Hawk battles Hercules on the outside while Animal takes on Roma on the inside. Animal catches Roma off the top rope and powerslams him, and then he eats the Doomsday Device.

Squash. Why was this worth rating?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #271
Ted DiBiase vs. Virgil
WWF WrestleMania VII - March 24, 1991​

Third in this gauntlet is the big blow-up match between Ted DiBiase and a man who kayfabed his own age so he'd be in a top Mania feud at the same age that Vince was putting guys like Randy Savage out to pasture. This one's pretty divisive, actually, with a decent two stars from Meltzer clashing with some lower ratings elsewhere. Let's see who's right.

Roddy Piper, who's cornering Virgil, gets his own entrance with a crutch. Virgil starts off with some fancy footwork, going for jabs, making DiBiase look like a fool. I like the swaying territory selling. DiBiase takes a bit of a rest on the outside, then stands in front of the ref, and I worry about a ref bump this early in the match. More and more controlling action by Virgil, and Piper daps him up from ringside. Piper and DiBiase stare down, and then we return to the Virgil dominance before DiBiase's tossed out again. DiBiase briefly gets the edge with a knee and clothesline before Virgil gets a backfist for two. DiBiase's on the outside AGAIN.

At one point, the ref insists on checking Virgil, and I wonder if DiBiase's bribed him off-camera. DiBiase finally gets meaningful advantage with a drop toe hold. He smashes Virgil's face into stuff and hits a back elbow. DiBiase's piledriver gets a two-count, as does a pair of suplexes. Virgil's tossed out, and Piper struggles to get up while DiBiase beats up Virgil. DiBiase shoves Piper over to get the biggest heat he gets all match. Powerslam by DiBiase, and the crowd (along with the camera) forgets about the match and just focuses on Piper. As DiBiase's running the ropes, Piper uses his crutch to drag down the top rope so DiBiase falls out. DiBiase fights Piper and gets counted out, giving Virgil a shock win.

Post-match, Million Dollar Dream on Virgil until Piper hits DiBiase with the crutch. Sherri gets involved, Virgil recovers, then Piper tries to fight off the refs instead of taking their help to get up. Virgil is good enough to help him up, though.

Ooookay, let me break that down. Samey but pacey Virgil dominance segment that hid his limitations well enough. Decent enough DiBiase heat. Virgil feeling like a third wheel in a match that he won. Overall? Meh. Not what it should have been. (what it should have been was SummerSlam 91)

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #272
The Mountie vs. Tito Santana
WWF WrestleMania VII - March 24, 1991​

And we officially milk WM7 for everything it's got with another short one. Yeah, spoilers, but it's gonna be quick, so let's finish quick, huh? This got minus half a star, same rating as the one with Tenryu in it. Let's have a look.

Mountie gets a jobber entrance. Having jobber entrances at WM is really a sign that you've got too many matches and have to cut some. Mountie's wriggling his arms for some reason. He leapfrogs Tito but misreads and jumps into a flying forearm. Tito mashes Mountie's head with Jimmy Hart's. Mountie tries to escape Tito but gets an atomic drop. He's grasping on to the ring sheets. Eventually Mountie grabs a cattle prod and rams Tito with it to get the win.

Yeah, I'm with Meltzer on this one. This match did not justify its own existence. It didn't really get the Mountie over because he got his ass kicked, and Tito increased his WM anti-record to 1-6. No one got over.

 

[Rosie]

But, the Mountie's handsome, brave, and strong!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #273
John Cena/Randy Orton vs. The RAW Roster
Elimination Handicap Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - March 17, 2008​

"Let's bury everyone", someone in WWE must have thought when they came up with this idea. In kayfabe it was Triple H, but in real life, it must have been someone who doesn't really get booking. Probably Trips' two-year-old daughter, come to think of it. We will return to the Sgt. Slaughter Shit Show in due time, but for now, some backlog needs to be emptied out. That means watching this. For the record, RAW is being represented by 17 men in this match:

• Brian Kendrick
• Carlito
• Charlie Haas
• Cody Rhodes
• David Hart Smith
• "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
• Hardcore Holly
• John "Bradshaw" Layfield
• Lance Cade
• Paul Burchill
• Robbie McAllister
• Santino Marella
• Snitsky
• Super Crazy
• Trevor Murdoch
• Umaga
• Val Venis

Snitsky has elected to go first against Cena. Cena looks to go for the AA early but Snitsky wriggles out, decks him, and starts stomping him down. Santino blind tags in, misses the diving headbutt, and gets rolled right up. In comes Murdoch, who hits a neckbreaker for two. Cena soon slaps on the STF though, which makes Murdoch tap in short order while Orton blocks Cade from making the save. Cade then walks directly into an RKO and Cena pins him. This is making the 14-Diva Survivor Series look positively slow and steady. Umaga's in, and gives clotheslines to both Cena and Orton.

When we return from commercial, JBL is dominating Orton, while Super Crazy is notably absent as he was eliminated during the break. A series of tags sees Duggan, Cody, Burchill, and Venis get their shots in to Orton, followed by Carlito. Holly gets a back elbow for two. In comes Robbie, but he takes an inverted backbreaker from Orton. Top rope leg drop from Cena takes Robbie right out, followed by DH Smith taking Cena's entire finish sequence. Orton murders Burchill with a single RKO, and then Val Venis. Cena catches a Cody Rhodes crossbody and tosses him to Orton for another RKO. Gotta love building new guys! This is essentially "Glass Ceiling: The Match". Seven of the remaining jobbers decide "fuck it" and charge Cena and Orton together, ending the match in a DQ.

Cena rolls out to grab a chair and gives out a series of concussions, until Umaga and JBL take out Cena and Orton with a Samoan Spike and Clothesline from Hell respectively. JBL accidentally hits Umaga over the head with the chair, Umaga no-sells it (because SAMOAN!! GET IT??), spikes Orton again, and chases JBL off. Out comes Triple H to slowly walk to the ring and Pedigree both men.

Kinda pointless match that only serves to bury most of your roster and make them look like an interchangeable conveyor belt of jobbers next to Cena and Orton. Not a fan.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #273
John Cena/Randy Orton vs. The RAW Roster
Elimination Handicap Match
WWE Monday Night RAW - March 17, 2008​

"Let's bury everyone", someone in WWE must have thought when they came up with this idea. In kayfabe it was Triple H, but in real life, it must have been someone who doesn't really get booking. Probably Trips' two-year-old daughter, come to think of it. We will return to the Sgt. Slaughter Shit Show in due time, but for now, some backlog needs to be emptied out. That means watching this. For the record, RAW is being represented by 17 men in this match:

• Brian Kendrick
• Carlito
• Charlie Haas
• Cody Rhodes
• David Hart Smith
• "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
• Hardcore Holly
• John "Bradshaw" Layfield
• Lance Cade
• Paul Burchill
• Robbie McAllister
• Santino Marella
• Snitsky
• Super Crazy
• Trevor Murdoch
• Umaga
• Val Venis

Snitsky has elected to go first against Cena. Cena looks to go for the AA early but Snitsky wriggles out, decks him, and starts stomping him down. Santino blind tags in, misses the diving headbutt, and get srolled right up. In comes Murdoch, who hits a neckbreaker for two. Cena soon slaps on the STF though, which makes Murdoch tap in short order while Orton blocks Cade from making the save. Cade then walks directly into an RKO and Cena pins him. This is making the 14-Diva Survivor Series look positively slow and steady. Umaga's in, and gives clotheslines to both Cena and Orton.

When we return from commercial, JBL is dominating Orton, while Super Crazy is notably absent as he was eliminated during the break. A series of tags sees Duggan, Cody, Burchill, and Venis get their shots in to Orton, followed by Carlito. Holly gets a back elbow for two. In comes Robbie, but he takes an inverted backbreaker from Orton. Top rope leg drop from Cena takes Robbie right out, followed by DH Smith taking Cena's entire finish sequence. Orton murders Burchill with a single RKO, and then Val Venis. Cena catches a Cody Rhodes crossbody and tosses him to Orton for another RKO. Gotta love building new guys! This is essentially "Glass Ceiling: The Match". Seven of the remaining jobbers decide "fuck it" and charge Cena and Orton together, ending the match in a DQ.

Cena rolls out to grab a chair and gives out a series of concussions, until Umaga and JBL take out Cena and Orton with a Samoan Spike and Clothesline from Hell respectively. JBL accidentally hits Umaga over the head with the chair, Umaga no-sells it (because SAMOAN!! GET IT??), spikes Orton again, and chases JBL off. Out comes Triple H to slowly walk to the ring and Pedigree both men.

Kinda pointless match that only serves to bury most of your roster and make them look like an interchangeable conveyor belt of jobbers next to Cena and Orton. Not a fan.

 

[Comrade Khan]

That match makes me mad to read n I've never seen it lo

 

[Chris]

I love that match bc 12 year old me had been like "why tf don't they just make their opponents fight the entire roster" the 2 weeks prior when Cena and Orton were in charge and the point was they were fucking over their opponents.

HHH did it and that's why he's booking today and the others aren't

 

[Storm Trooper]

I don't care I loved that Booking it was brilliant.

Wish they'd do it again (when I'm not doing the fantasy league).

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #274
Balls Mahoney vs. Kintaro Kanemura
ECW Living Dangerously - March 12, 2000​

And now we return to the site of the Danbury Fall, for the only match that got zero Dave stars from it (other than the New Jack/Vic Grimes match itself, which he didn't rate). The only man who is named after testicles taking on the chubby rapey fuck of the Japanese deathmatch scene. Let's go.

Kanemura immediately gets into it with a rope choke and... side body avalanche? Rope leg lariat? Something like that. Slingshot splash gets two, then a senton off the top rope gets the same result. Balls powers out, gets a Ball Breaker and frog splash for two. Kanemura gets a superplex, and swings a chair at his head. Which Balls no-sells and flips him off. Ripcord lariat, Nutcracker Suite, it's done. After the match, the match, the Baldies attack Balls Mahoney, and you know what happens next. Sadly.

God, Dave, you have got to stop making me rate random 1 minute matches.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #275
"Macho Man" Randy Savage vs. Crush
Falls Count Anywhere Match
WWF WrestleMania X - March 20, 1994​

And now for the rest of WM10! This sounds like it should be good, but they've not yet worked out how Falls Count Anywhere works. In this match, you can score a pin outside the ring, but after that, you only win if your opponent can't get back to the ring after 60 seconds. This is late-WWF Macho Man against heel face-painted Crush. Oh, joy, face-painted Crush. Let's go.

Savage jumps Crush during his entrance going at it in the aisle. Inverted atomic drop by Crush, then a backbreaker, then a Snake Eyes on to the guardrail. Savage is pinned for the three, so he's got 60 seconds to get up and get back in the ring. Which results in 60 seconds of waiting around! Almost exactly 60 seconds, by the way, as Savage only has two seconds left on the clock when he makes it back in, thanks to Fuji smacking him in the back with his Japanese flag. If this is going to happen after every fall, Jeez Louise.

Crush does one of his most inadvisable moves, a headbutt on to the apron. Tree of woe for Savage, who takes a few punches from Crush. While the ref's untangling Savage, Crush goes to get some Magical Knock-Out Salt from Fuji. Savage counters, though, and gives Crush a faceful. Savage hits a double axe handle, and nails the flying elbow. He rolls Crush out and gets a pin at ringside. There follows 60 more seconds of waiting around. And they're not gimmicking the times here, it's 60 real seconds. Fuji pours water over Crush to clear the effects of the salt, and he gets back in with only seconds to spare.

Savage is now dominating, and goes for a rope choke. He gets into it with the referee about how he's allowed to rope choke in this match, but Crush gets up and tosses him out to the floor. That cannot have been a nice bump to take for Savage's back. Crush tries to ram Savage's head into the ring post, but gets the same treatment himself. Over the rail goes the match, where Crush gets a superkick and teases the piledriver, but Savage back body drops him off. They're headed towards the fire exits, where Savage bashes Crush into some doors and gets another fall. He then goes back to tie Crush to the backstage wiring and hang him up by his feet! That stops him from getting back to the ring, and when the 60-second count runs down, Crush is nowhere near to making his return. Savage wins.

Gotta give props to that finish, honestly. They essentially predicted the meta strategy for the not-yet-invented Last Man Standing match, which is to physically prevent your opponent from getting up with plunder, five years in advance. Still, though, the stipulation hampered the match pretty badly, adding three extra minutes of pretty much dead air to it. It was over though. 1994 crowds will enjoy literally anything.

 

[Rosie]

In hindsight, should have just been a regular no disqualification match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #276
The Quebecers (c) vs. Men on a Mission
for the WWF World Tag Team Championship
WWF WrestleMania X - March 20, 1994​

Match two of this WM10 marathon is a look at tag team wrestling in 1994! No-longer-the-Mountie and not-yet-PCO against Mabel and Mo. If no one gets seriously injured in this match involving Mabel, it'll be a miracle.

Oscar... raps? It's mostly gibberish. I'm not sold on Mo's light-dyed beard, either. The bleach blond look doesn't work for him like it does for Mabel. The Quebecers' entrance is eaten up by a celebrity segment where Shawn Michaels gets upstaged by Burt Reynolds. Quebecers start attacking early and toss Mo out, allowing them to attack Mabel. The big man does get a double clothesline to clear them out. We start the match proper with Mo vs. Pierre. Mo gets a crossbody for two and tags in Mabel for an admittedly pretty neat tag team move, a drop toe hold into a leg drop. He then tags Mo back in for the double elbow. The ref's clearing Mabel out so misses a visual pin by Mo. Jacques goes over to challenge Mabel, allowing further ref distraction so Pierre can choke Mo with the tag rope.

Jacques back body drops Pierre on to Mo twice, the second one on to the floor. The precursor to PCO spots? I like to think so. It gets two (pinned by Pierre despite him not being the legal man). They flapjack Mo on to the top rope for another two. Mo cannonballs into Pierre. I've honestly got a soft spot for Mo at the moment, he's the unexpected success story of my current TEW run. Mabel thinks he got a tag and comes in, so that allows for more ref distraction. Pierre tries to get a top rope leg drop but Mo rolls away and finally gets the hot tag to Mabel. Mabel throws out some of his "unorthodox" (rubbish) clotheslines, and starts tossing both Quebecers around. Corner splash, but he's slow enough that Pierre dodges.

They try to double suplex but Jacques hurts his back. They eventually manage to do it, and Johnny Polo on the outside is ecstatic. Flip, Flop, and a Fly only gets two as Mabel just tosses Pierre off. Exchange of rights between Mabel and Pierre, then Jacques comes over and tries to mount him. Pierre hits Jacques by mistake, and then a spin kick by Mabel decks Pierre. MOM keep saying "whoomp there it is", which they definitely stole from another Tag Team. Stacked splashes from MOM, but Johnny Polo is distracting the ref while Oscar yanks him down. Manager fight! Meanwhile, Pierre hits Jacques by mistake. Mo clotheslines Pierre out, and MOM do the stacked splashes to Pierre on the outside. Johnny Polo yanks Jacques out for the deliberate count-out...? MOM celebrate with the belts like they've just won. Like idiots.

Okay little match ruined by a stupid finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #277
Yokozuna (c) vs. Lex Luger
for the WWF Championship
WWF WrestleMania X - March 20, 1994​

Third is the less well received of the two WWF Championship matches on that night. They couldn't decide whether they wanted Bret Hart or Lex Luger to carry the WWF forward, and triple threat matches not having been invented yet, they gave them separate World Title matches. This one is the less good of those.

Champ out first, with Japanese women giving him flowers. Special bell-ringer is Rhonda Shear, and I've just now realised that "Up All Night" is a sex joke. Also Curt Hennig is special referee. A lot of staring down to start. Arguing, then a series of forearms. Luger's clothesline can't down the big man, but Yokozuna certainly can topple Luger with his own. Luger dodges a senton attempt, and hits a punch to knock Yoko to the outside. They're doing the standard WWF Brawl on the Outside, with Yoko's face eating steel steps. Luger's crossbody gets two, as does a leg drop. Yoko starts to dominate Luger with one slap, and goes for the rope choke. Luger tries to slam Yoko but gets crushed by him for two.

Yoko's wandering lethargically and stomping at Luger. Jim Cornette distracts Mr. Perfect while Yoko strips a turnbuckle. It's interesting how Luger's momentum stops after just one chop. Yoko mounts Luger and applies the deadly NERVE HOLD! He did learn something from Fuji after all. Two minutes and thirty-nine seconds of unending nerve pinching later (yes, I timed it), Luger fights out but collides with Yoko who knees him in the midsection. A series of forearms, and then back to the nerve hold for another painful minute and eight. Luger goes to the outside and stumbles into the guardrail.

Back in the ring Luger is chopped and... ANOTHER nerve hold?? I swear to fuck. In total, we're on FOUR MINUTES THIRTY of shoulder nerve holds. Luger fights back but Yoko easily overpowers him. Back to the nerve holds! Luger's not giving, and they do the arm-drop routine. The nerve hold timer goes up to 5:54. Luger runs the ropes, ducks a clothesline, and eats a belly-to-belly. Yoko's about to bash Luger into the exposed turnbuckle and set up the Banzai Drop, but Luger counters and bashes him into it instead. Now Luger can try to fight back, downing Yoko after three clotheslines.

The big man is slammed, and Luger goes for the running forearm. Luger then has a go at an interfering Cornette and Fuji, then pins Yoko. But Perfect doesn't count! Luger shoves the ref in frustration, and Luger's DQ'd. "Bullshit" chants.

I didn't know I'd want to see Lex Luger win a title, but... that finish was fucking awful. Absolute festering tumour of a finish. And the match that came to deliver it was absolutely dire, too. The match time of that was apparently 14:40. It felt like 14 years. Nearly SIX SHITTING MINUTES OF NERVE-PINCHING punctuated by brief but hopeless Luger hope spots. Part of a special class of painful content, this match. Even Taker/Sid can't compare.