Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

I remember that match only for the terrible dive botch at the end and, of course-

MY VAG!

 

[Sky]

Entry #260
Raquel vs. Barbi Hayden
Queen of the Knockouts First Round Match
TNA One Night Only: Knockouts Knockdown 4 - April 22, 2016​

There were actually three bad matches on this show, so let's stick with this I guess. The theme of this was largely "TNA woman vs. independent woman", although it would be a stretch to call Raquel (Tough Enough's Gabi Castrovinci) a TNA woman given how little time she spent there. Her opponent is Barbi Hayden, who had been NWA Women's Champion fairly recently. Back when that meant nothing. This one is apparently poor too, but not in the same league. That's okay, we take all comers.

Someone in the crowd has a sign that says "#1 Barbi Fan". As in, there's only one Barbi fan, and that's her. Barbi cuts a not-bad promo which acknowledges the fan. This is apparently Trina Michaels, ex-porn actress who does manager work. Kicking off we have some non-terrible armdrags. Raquel runs the ropes in a really weird way, in that she carries no momentum from bouncing off them. She's pretty much strolling as she comes back off. A Barbi shoulderblock gets two. This is very stop-start. Chokes in the corner, Barbi kicks Raquel in the back. Raquel hits a shoulderblock and gets two herself. Barbi tries to leave, then gets another shoulderblock. Raquel fails to perform an armdrag until she's kicked Barbi in the midsection.

Barbi continues to torture Raquel in the corner. Raquel goes for a crossbody but either Barbi dodges or Raquel misses. I'm not ruling out either. Barbi uses a knee drop and continues to stand over a downed Raquel, giving a few hits. Fisherman suplex by Barbi gets two. Barbi puts in some knees and then does an abdominal stretch. Thankfully she doesn't convert it into a vaginal stretch. Raquel gets a surprise headscissors to turn the tide, gets a monkey flip and another headscissors. A double knee neckbreaker and an armbar by Raquel... but Barbi's fan gets on the apron to distract Raquel. This lets Barbi gets a hangman's DDT for the win.

Meh. No idea what incredibly green Raquel was doing here.

 

[Sky]

Entry #261
Marti Belle vs. Jayme Jameson
Queen of the Knockouts First Round Match
TNA One Night Only: Knockouts Knockdown 4 - April 22, 2016​

Third of three is this. Let's just get it over with. Next feature will be, as the Veep Peeps know, a look at the late, bad era of Sgt. Slaughter. Specifically, that time he was an Iraqi sympathiser. It'll take us on a route through WrestleMania 7, so as we're on a road to WM, that'll be appropriate. Anyway, here's this.

Josh Mathews wants to know if Jayme Jameson is related to... J. Jonah Jameson, the fictional character from Spider-Man. Jayme takes the early offing with her power, slamming Marti while Marti fails to do the same. Jayme tries to wrench for a suplex but Marti charges her into the ropes. A knee by Jayme stops the momentum for now. Marti goes to the outside and hair-mares Jayme into the ropes. Marti starts stomping Jayme right in her plastic breasts. Jayme does get a pumphandle slam for two. Marti gets the same result with a big clothesline... and then a hair toss, after a delayed pin, also gets two.

Marti uses a seated surfboard that she briefly converts into a headscissors, weirdly. Jayme recovers with power clotheslines and a powerslam. Marti gets another two-count off a hair toss. Am I supposed to believe that Marti Belle has the deadliest hair tosses in wrestling? Jayme hits an awkward Boss Man Slam but Marti gets her foot on the rope. She goes for another, but Marti counters with a Russian legsweep setup into a clothesline for a three.

Wait... Russian legsweep setup into a clothesline?



HOLY SHIT! MARTI BELLE DID THE SAXTONATION! AND SHE WON OFF IT! Forget the rest of this match, Marti Belle wins everything.

 

[Rosie]

The one move that makes the Burning Hammer and the Tiger Driver cower in fear.

SAXTONATION

 

[Storm Trooper]

Nah he was in a typical "shady possibly-Mafia-affiliated bodyguard" getup

Warrior beat him up and stole his hat after but I stopped caring

I'm sad. Mantaur being a bodyguard would work for nobody... but it would work for Goldust.


Those bathhouse matches... I actually want to check them out. Glad you got to see some So Bad It's Good matches finally.

 

[Sky]

Entry #262
Sgt. Slaughter vs. Koko B. Ware
WWF Saturday Night's Main Event XXVIII - October 13, 1990​

As promised, here's a look at Valour-Stealin' Bob's lowest career moments: the moments when he had to pretend to like Iraq. Starting with his first televised non-squash in the role of a heel, that being this match against Koko B. Ware on one of the later, lesser SNME shows. 3.79 on Cagematch, one Meltzer star, and yet this is apparently a highlight of what I'm about to go through. Let's roll.

General Adnan's out here, while commentary shoots on the meaninglessness of Iraq medals. Koko dodges out of the way of Slaughter a couple of times. Slaughter misses a clubbing forearm against the ropes and Koko armdrags him about. Slaughter stalls for time by falsely claiming a hair pull. Then Koko tries a flying shoulderblock, but just bounces off. He manages to slide under Slaughter's legs and hit a dropkick... but then he misses a corner splash. Now it's time for Slaughter Heat! Which is honestly much less consistent of standing forearms than I thought. Still quite a bit of that though.

A knee drop gets two, as does a backbreaker. Slaughter teases a back body drop but gets hit by a neckbreaker. In comes Koko with dropkicks, getting his own back until he tries to go for a crossbody and Slaughter just catches him. And then comes Slaughter's finisher, because the Cobra Clutch was too babyface! The NOOGIE OF DOOM! I can say without doubt that this is the single worst finisher in this thread, until we see a Bastion Booger match where he actually hits the Trip to the Batcave. Koko submits though, because wrestling is silly.

Very much a generic match, but I can see why it's not rated as low as some of the other Slaughter stuff.

 

[Sky]

Entry #263
The Alliance (Nikolai Volkoff/Tito Santana/Luke/Butch) vs. The Mercenaries (Sgt. Slaughter/Boris Zhukov/Sato/Tanaka)
Traditional Survivor Series Match
WWF Survivor Series - November 22, 1990​

Sgt. Slaughter's initial feud was with Nikolai Volkoff, who had recently broken up the Bolsheviks and become a pro-American babyface. This led to this match, where each of them formed a team with names (remember when Survivor Series teams always had names? That was cool). Slaughter's Mercenaries team consists of himself, Boris Zhukov, and the original Orient Express, whilst Volkoff joins with Tito Santana and the Bushwhackers (why can't I escape them?). One Meltzer star just like the Koko match, but an average of 2.03 on Cagematch, which is worse than many matches I've rated lower. Let's have it.

Volkoff is out to the Stars and Stripes Forever, which is certainly a choice when you're teaming with a kayfabe-Mexican and two New Zealanders. In kayfabe there's only one American in this match, and it's Slaughter! Speaking of, he and his heel squad all come out in camo face-paint, including even Mr. Fuji. Slaughter cuts an all-shouted, slow-motion promo that I mostly can't understand because it's over the sound of drums. He doesn't like the troops or America now. At least I think he doesn't.

The Bushwhackers kick off by double-teaming Zhukov. Zhukov demonstrates the rare wrestler ability to stop after taking an Irish whip, but he still eats the double clothesline. In for Tito, who delivers a quick flying forearm and gets the pin, putting Team Slaughter a man down early. Sato comes in quickly enough, kicking Tito while he's down. He holds Tito back so Tanaka can deliver a kick right to his chest, but exactly the spot you'd expect happens and Sato takes the boot instead. The Bushwhackers intervene, beating up Tanaka before giving the Battering Ram to Sato. One three-count later, and it's 4-2 to the good guys. Tanaka tries to deal with Butch, but misses a splash and Tito's in again. Flying forearm, and Tanaka's out. And now we have a 1-on-4 handicap match. Wonder what'll happen? They're pushing Slaughter, so...

Volkoff comes in to give Slaughter a beatdown, which he barely sells at all. A far cry from the master of selling of his heyday. Slaughter's briefly toppled by a boot to the head, but catches another one and smacks him down. "Slaughter is like a pelican" -Roddy Piper. The USA chants really aren't helping Volkoff survive Slaughter's elbow drops or forearms. Slaughter rams Volkoff into the turnbuckle. Commentary notes that Slaughter is "not going fast". You can say that again. A genuinely pathetic snapmare is followed by an elbow drop, and Volkoff is gone.

Time for Bushwhacker Butch, and Slaughter's selling even less until Luke comes in to double-team. The Bushwhackers hit their double clothesline but Slaughter kicks out. Diving headbutt attempt by Luke but Slaughter gets the knees up. Luke flops around like a fish until Slaughter hits the kneeling gutbuster and eliminates him. Butch's offence is completely ignored, he's whipped into a corner and eats a lariat for the three. We're down to one-on-one and it doesn't feel like there's even been enough action for five minutes. If you wanted to run Slaughter vs. Tito, you could have just... done that?

Tito gets a huge pop for whipping Slaughter into the corner. He goes for the top rope flying forearm, but Slaughter kicks out. He then tries a monkey flip, but just lands on the back of his head after Slaughter stays up. Slaughter gets a neckbreaker that gets two, as does a backbreaker. Tito's trying to fight back but Slaughter goes for the eyes and gets a vertical suplex for a delayed pin and two. Tito rolls away from knee drops, and Slaughter pushes him into the referee. Because you need a ref bump. Flying forearm, but Adnan comes in and hits Tito in the back with the flag. Obviously, he's forgotten there's a second ref on the outside, as this gets Slaughter DQ'd. He thinks he's won while the camel clutch is on, but he hasn't.

Winner of this bout, other than Santana, is the Fink, who comes out with this absolute gem: "Ladies and gentlemen, SGT. SLAUGHTER... (give time for Slaughter to celebrate) has been disqualified!" Absolute brilliance. Better than this match.

So yeah, it was very Not Good. Everyone in this match looked weak other than Slaughter and Tito, and the runtime was dominated by slow Slaughter offence.

 

[Sky]

Entry #264
The Ultimate Warrior (c) vs. Sgt. Slaughter
for the WWF Championship
WWF Royal Rumble - January 19, 1991​

And now they start sizing up Slaughter for the title. Just one problem: in the interim, the Gulf War has actually started, and now it's super insensitive to do a character like this because there's people in the arena with families that are dying in the desert for no real reason. But WWF soldiers on. The commentators even say that the views of Slaughter don't reflect WWF's views, which is a weird thing you're saying given that you're scripting him to say this. Also, I want to say that this match was seemingly quite divisive. 3.88 on Cagematch, but somehow got 3.5 Meltzer stars! Let's see who's right, shall we?

"Gomer is a traitor" sign. Does anyone remember Gomer Pyle these days? It's one of those names you hear about from American media but seems forgotten. As Warrior runs the ropes during his entrance, Slaughter and Adnan try to take his head off with the Iraqi flag, but he clotheslines both. Clears both out of the ring, and when Slaughter's back in he starts hitting him with the flag. In full view of the ref, and after the bell's rung. Silly. Slaughter has the flag shoved in his mouth, and is actually bumping. He then goes for a choke with the flag. Still no thought of a DQ. At least Slaughter's selling a bit more. I like that from him. He bumps his way over the corner and to the floor.

Out comes Sherri, who is great. Warrior chokes Slaughter with some more fabric. Shoulderblock, shoulderblock, but when Warrior's going to maybe try his finish sequence, Sherri grabs her leg, so he chases her away. Suddenly Randy Savage pops out, beating down Warrior and hitting him with a lighting fixture (or rather, stumbling on top of him while holding a lighting fixture). Slaughter's about to win by count-out, but he's stopping the ref from counting repeatedly so he can win in the ring and take the title. Smart heel.

Slaughter's got Warrior back in, kicking the man while he's down. He hits a backbreaker, then spits on Warrior demanding he get up. Eventually Warrior gets a clothesline and it's a double down. Warrior's up, Slaughter's right behind him, but he doesn't even bother to attack Warrior from behind. Instead he goes for a bearhug, because that's apparently what the 90s is, and we've not quantum leaped from the 70s. Warrior sells by air-swimming while Slaughter humps him. After a good minute of bearhug, the Warrior seems to be fading, but fights back after two minutes.

Powerslam, but Warrior can't go for the splash because of his bad back. So Slaughter works the back, with elbows and a backbreaker, before putting on the camel clutch. Only one problem: Warrior's feet are both under the ropes. In fact, half his body is under the ropes. Slaughter has no idea, though, and celebrates like he's won. Like an IDIOT. While he's arguing, time for Warrior to no-sell and recover. Clotheslines, flying shoulderblock... and Sherri comes out again! She challenges Warrior, so Warrior tosses her into the ring and gives her the gorilla press slam on to Savage! This lets Slaughter choke him over the ropes, so the Macho King hits Warrior with the sceptre and lets Slaughter get the elbow drop and pin.

I'm in two minds. We got grips of the old Slaughter in this match, particularly in the first half, but there was boring timewasting. I don't feel that Savage and Sherri needed to run out twice each. Just makes Slaughter look weak and beatable overall. Which is not what you do when you need to get a champ over for Mania 7.

 

[Chris]

Will you only be doing this heel run for Slaughter bc I can't remember specific ones but I know I saw some shit matches on AWA on ESPN classics from like 86 or 87 back in the day

 

[Sky]

Will you only be doing this heel run for Slaughter bc I can't remember specific ones but I know I saw some shit matches on AWA on ESPN classics from like 86 or 87 back in the day

There are definitely some stinker older Slaughter matches but I'd prefer to do WrestleRock 86 and SuperClash III as their own thing (because there's WAY more awful matches than just those involving Slaughter)

 

[Rosie]

This alone is an entry.

When a rap starts with: "My name is [Name] and I'm here to say-"

You know

There will be bollocks.

 

[Sky]

Entry #265
Sgt. Slaughter (c) vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
for the WWF Championship
WWF The Main Event - February 1, 1991​

Okay, now that Slaughter's champion... what next? What do you have him do in the intervening couple of months before his inevitable defeat by Real American Hero™ Hulk Hogan? You have him face off against emergency backup American patriot, Jim Duggan. This is the sort of match that would have done numbers in 1981. Unfortunately, it's 1991. Let's try to tolerate it.

Duggan comes out to Stars and Stripes Forever with Hulk Hogan behind him, holding a giant American flag. Way to make this guy feel like a third wheel in his own match. There's an ad break during which Hogan is sent to the back. HUGE USA chant. Lock-up, that goes to the ropes, but Duggan shoves Slaughter on his ass. Slaughter soon starts brawling Duggan into the corner, where a distraction by Adnan allows Slaughter to get some choke action in. Duggan recovers, and starts going for cornered punches which cause Slaughter to just flop over.

Slaughter's clotheslined out, and Duggan tries to slam him back in, but Adnan grabs Duggan's ankle so Slaughter falls on top of him for two. Duggan goes over to deck Adnan, but Adnan holds him back so Slaughter can do Duggan's job for him. Slaughter is so distraught that he hit an Iraqi man that Duggan can get the edge with forearms and shoulder barges. Duggan tries for a back body drop but Slaughter punches away. Adnan's distraction allows Slaughter to maintain a rope choke for longer. An elbow drop by Slaughter as Duggan's draped across the apron, then he hits Duggan with his own 2x4 while the ref is occupied. Boot on the chest, but Duggan kicks out.

Slaughter starts to beat away while the fans throw bits of garbage into the ring. Duggan gets put face-first into the pointed-tip boots that Slaughter stole from the Iron Sheik. Of course, the face gets his rallying moment. Duggan whips Slaughter into the corner and he does that bump I like. Duggan then smashes him into steel steps and ring posts. Adnan attacks Duggan, then Slaughter hits him over the head with a chair for the DQ. Slaughter then starts to beat Duggan with Adnan's riding crop, then hits Hogan with the chair. Hogan helps up Duggan and then there's a big MURICA celebration.

Very much a house show match. Not as much stalling as I would have expected, to be fair.

 

[Sky]

Entry #266
Sgt. Slaughter (c) vs. Hulk Hogan
for the WWF Championship
WWF WrestleMania VII - March 24, 1991​

And then there was this. This is where the Slaughter title reign ends, but you already knew that, didn't you? Of course it's where it ends. It's a Hogan match. Hogan is Fucking Going Over. This is another divisive match, as it's getting decent ratings from certain critics, including Meltzer, but the Cagematch hivemind isn't as much a fan. Let's see what this is.

Champ out first, because it's against Hogan, come on. Hogan comes out with a big American flag because that's what this is about. Slow-motion chase scene to start, then the ref makes sure Adnan's out of the ring. The belt is removed from Slaughter's possession. Just a note: all of this happens after the bell has rung. Big old staredown follows. There's a lock-up that goes to the corner. The ref tries to separate them but Hogan just shoves the ref away and keeps going. He shoves Slaughter down, and I really like that Slaughter claims there's been a hair pull every time he's overpowered. Headlock by Hogan, clash of shoulders, Hogan runs the ropes, Slaughter's down. And he absolutely FLOPS. Love that.

Hogan follows Slaughter out of the ring, Adnan attacks him, which lets Slaughter go for a chair and hit Hogan from behind. (Didn't Hogan watch the Duggan match?). Hogan no-sells it, which is why this isn't a DQ. Slaughter begs for mercy but goes for the eyes. So we get the Slaughter beatdown, which is naturally quite slow-paced. After a few punches, he downs Hogan with a back elbow and goes for the knee drops. He misses an elbow, though, so Hogan can come back. He even nails Adnan too. Hogan gets an eye rake, like the babyface he is. Soon after he hits an atomic drop for two. After a bit of a chase outside, Hogan gets another two-count with a forearm.

Hogan's bumping Slaughter into the corners, and Slaughter takes the last one chest-first and flops about. Then he takes a whip into the corner right to the midsection. "I think his head hit the ring post" -I checked, and no, it didn't. Hogan slingshots Slaughter into the corner, and at least his face comes closer that time. Slaughter is getting absolutely destroyed. At least it beats the usual Hogan match where Hogan's getting his ass kicked for fifteen minutes and then wins. Another corner bump and Hogan gets two.

Hogan goes to the top rope, which I've never really seen him do before. Adnan stalls him and Slaughter gets a hit in, but it doesn't matter much as Hogan keeps dominating. If the booking of this match made sense, that would be a good place for a turning point. Apparently, they think so too, as they repeat the spot with Slaughter starting to dominate properly. Hogan's clotheslined out, and then we get to the worst part of a Slaughter match: his heat. Slaughter goes for a chair, and he hits Hogan. No thought of a DQ there, either. Neither does it happen when Slaughter chokes Hogan with some cables. Make it make sense.

Slaughter's targeting the back, and hits a backbreaker for two. He celebrates like a moron like he's won, and goes into it with the referee when he finds out he hasn't. Slow stomps to the back. Slaughter then tries to set up a Boston crab. Hogan gets the rope break... after a LITERAL MINUTE of him being right next to the ropes. Again: make it make sense. Knees to the lower back, then Slaughter goes up top for a stomp to the back. Adnan distracts the referee... during Slaughter's pin, giving the heel a visual pin! If this were impetus for Slaughter and Adnan to split, it would make sense, but no, it doesn't.

Slaughter gets in a chair shot to the head, but Hogan's still alive, even when he's busted open. A bit more slow beatdown, then Slaughter puts on the camel clutch. He then breaks it briefly for some more stomps to the back, before putting it back on. All seems hopeless for Hogan. But, of course, he fights back, because it's Hogan. Slaughter rams him into the corner, drapes him in the Iraqi flag... but Hogan kicks out! And tears up the flag! You know how it goes. Punch, punch, big boot, leg drop. Slaughter kicks at 3.1, though, so this clearly isn't over. But it doesn't matter. Time to wave the American flag!

Yeah, I'm on the "this sucks" side of it. Seems somewhat promising initially, but then Slaughter gets some offence and the match slows to a crawl. And then there's so much dumb shit that drags down the match. Was this planned? Was it planned for Hogan to not notice the ropes were there for like a minute? Please tell me it wasn't planned. Because if it was, it's so stupid.

 

[Sky]

Entry #267
Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. Rick Martel
Blindfold Match
WWF WrestleMania VII - March 24, 1991​

And after I've posted that, it's time for an interlude to clear my backlog. See, I keep the "other" matches from shows I've looked at in a post in a private Discord server, and it's reaching the character limit no matter what I do. So I have to clean it up a bit. Starting - might as well, huh? - with WM7, and with this match that isn't too popular with certain fans. There's a consensus that blindfold matches aren't any good, because there's too much feeling around and tomfoolery and not enough wrestling. But they're fun in person, I tell myself when I think to the only blindfold match I've ever seen in person, in a cramped hotel room between 2 local indie guys. This got a big fat DUD rating from Meltzer. Did it earn it? Let's see!

Martel gets a jobber entrance. At Wrestle Fucking Mania. They've got the hoods on. They're feeling about for each other, and Roberts does the hot-cold pointing thing with the crowd. This is why they say it's more fun in person. Martel's fiddling around on the mat, like a glasses-less Velma. Roberts notices him just by sound, and scrambles for his legs. Martel gets up, and trips over Roberts, which leads to a pin attempt. Standard blindfold match stuff. Martel tries to go for a back body drop, but misses due to Jake's blindness meaning he can't run in a straight line. (As opposed to the other reasons why Jake may be unable to do that.) Pretty fun spot, actually.

Back to the feeling about and hot-cold pointing. They bump each other's asses, then they run at each other, miss, and Martel gets bumped by the ring ropes. I know I should dislike this sort of cartoon nonsense, just on instinct, but it's acceptable. It feels like this feud was more light-hearted than say, Storm vs. Harris. Or maybe it's the power of a receptive crowd. Martel is kicking the air. Roberts catches him in the centre of the ring, but Martel manages to slam him. He then goes for an elbow drop and gets nothing. Crowd tries and fails to put Roberts in the right direction, while Martel attacks the ref by mistake. Then a bit more feeling about. Roberts has a bit of a rest on the ropes. Roberts finally gets Martel and establishes a waistlock, which looks more like he's biting the Model on his model-tier rear.

Martel blindly panics as the crowd chants for a DDT. He finds the snake and scrambles away once he's realised what it is he's touching. A bit more feeling-out. Side headlock by Roberts, then the two men clash and Roberts is tipped outside. Martel rolls out to grab a chair, thinks he's found Roberts, but instead catches his hand between chair and ring post. That's the good shit right there. Back in the ring, Martel gets a blind low blow. He hits a backbreaker then goes for the Boston crab, but Roberts kicks him off. Martel's staggered like a Street Fighter character, and that lets Roberts get the DDT. He has to really reach around to find Martel, but gets the pin. Post-match Roberts stomps the cologne bottle that started all the trouble, then unleashes Damien on Martel. This is what the Hulkamania era was.

You know what? Pretty decent watch, all things considered. Blindfold matches are inherently silly, but this is about the best you can make of them. Screw you, Dave. Screw you, WrestleCrap's Triple Kelly, who inducted this. This is going right under the Bath House Deathmatch.

 

[Sky]

Entry #268
Demolition (Smash/Crush) vs. Genichiro Tenryu/Koji Kitao
WWF WrestleMania VII - March 24, 1991​

If you told me this exact matchup had taken place at WrestleMania I wouldn't believe you. But here we are. Post-Ax Demolition taking on two representatives of WWF's ill-advised Japanese partner of the time, Super World Sports. Those representatives being the founder of the company, Tenryu, and everyone's favourite karate-loving nutcase Koji Kitao. This earned minus half a Meltzer star. Let's see why!

Rare footage where there's Japanese wrestlers, and Mr. Fuji's managing their opponents. Crush and Smash target Kitao from behind. Kitao unloads forearms on Crush but Smash targets him from behind and Fuji hits Kitao with the cane. Guess ever since he got the real Road Warriors, Vince felt he could treat Demolition like losers who need to cheat. Both men start hitting Kitao in the back. Smash hits a back suplex, which would have been a three in Japan. Assisted double axe handle by Crush. Smash comes in, and doesn't venture beyond clubbing forearms and a rope choke. They're tagging in and out and establishing offence, until out of nowhere Kitao gets a clothesline and brings in Tenryu.

Tenryu unloads chops on Smash, dropkicks Crush, goes for a flying back elbow but misses. Crush hits a pretty light backbreaker, and Smash does another back suplex. They look like they're setting up the Demolition Decapitation, Kitao runs out, and... it just kind of feels clunky, as if there was some sort of miscommunication. Crush does bundle out Kitao, but Kitao gets revenge by shoving him off the top rope. Tenryu hits the enzuigiri and folding powerbomb on Smash to finish it.

Basic, somewhat clunky affair that only really showed off that Demolition is nowhere near what it used to be.