Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #278
Earthquake vs. Adam Bomb
WWF WrestleMania X - March 20, 1994​

And let's finish off with the only match Meltzer gave a DUD here (how Yoko/Luger didn't drop into the negatives I have no idea). This one kicks off with Harvey Wippleman getting into it with the disturbingly-behaired Howard Finkel. After Fink shoves Wippleman, Adam Bomb comes out to attack Fink. Earthquake comes for the save, and suddenly it's a match.

Belly-to-belly by Quake, followed by a powerslam, and an Earthquake Splash, and it's over as soon as it began.

Adam Bomb was never the same again. It works for what it's meant to be, but I'm icked by the squash of an up-and-comer in favour of someone who's leaving.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #279
Psycho Clown vs. El Canek
Ruleta de la Muerte First Round Match
AAA TripleMania XXX: Monterrey - April 30, 2022​

Blue Demon vs. Rayo was bad, but there was another bad match on this Monterrey show, in the first round of the Ruleta. The other two (LA Park vs. Villano IV and Ultimo Dragon vs. Penta) were actually competent. This earned one Dave star, the same number as the aforementioned awful old man match, but hasn't gotten the same negative reception. Let's see if it really is just as bad.

"What can be said for calling a Canek match in 2022?" -Dombrowski. Well, first thing you have to say, Canek is 70. He's too old for this shit. We start with a lock-up... Canek armdrags Psycho, then just sort of falls over, allowing Psycho to pin him for two. Strong start already. He counters into a backslide, but Psycho was clearly doing the work. Psycho goes for a corner splash, and Canek is not selling at all. This is just really awkward, I can't call it. Dropkick and Canek just rolls out. Psycho goes for a dive, misses and wipes out on the guardrail, and I see where this is going. We're going to get a heat segment for Canek, who can't move. They spend a lot of time checking if Psycho's neck is broken, which it clearly isn't as Canek just picks him up.

Standard out-of-ring brawling and then Canek goes for a mask rip. I don't understand mask rip spots. Couldn't you piece together the guy's whole face just by different parts of his mask being ripped over time? Canek gets a chair and delivers an unprotected chair shot to the head of the guy who's young enough to actually have a career. Back to the outside, headbutts (yikes) then Canek clotheslines Psycho out. They then walk-and-brawl to the spot where Canek gives a back body drop to Psycho, over the guardrail, and back-first on to a chair. Canek does not care. We get a shot of a young Psycho Clown fan flipping Canek off! me too.

Back in the ring, after a minute of Psycho crawling back, we get a vertical suplex and an elbow from Canek for two. "Seamless floatover" says commentary as Canek gradually rolls around, eventually getting a double armbar. The hold breaks eventually with no submission. Psycho counters a whip with a kick, gets a corner forearm and sliding dropkick for two. Psycho then goes for a dive again, but misses again. Still gets some of it though. He manages to pull out a standard-issue Hardcore Baking Tray, as well as a wooden board. Back in the ring, Psycho tries a mask rip and then delivers a (very soft) chair shot to the head. He sets up the wooden board with Canek in front of it, then delivers literally the softest spear you've ever seen. The board is only barely dented by it. No wonder it only got two.

Canek gives Psycho a gorilla press slam off the top for two, gradually jogs to the corner when whipped, then treats Psycho to a only-slightly-mobile back kick. Suddenly Dr. Wagner Jr. and his clan shows up, gets into it with Canek... but hits Psycho Clown with a baseball bat, handing Canek the win.

That was sad as fuck. When it wasn't Canek doing the soft spots, it was him endangering Psycho's life.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #280
The Ultimate Warrior vs. Sgt. Slaughter
WWF Saturday Night's Main Event XXIX - April 27, 1991​

And we're back to the Slaughter-bashing. Because, even after he lost the title, he still stuck around, and even gained a second manager in Col. Mustafa (the Iron Sheik, for all those people who confuse Iraq with Iran to this day). And he still had poorly received matches! This one is a rematch with Warrior that got a minus Dave star!

Slaughter gets a jobber entrance a mere month after he won the title, showing how he's fallen already. He starts on the top rope but Warrior tosses him down. Warrior's early flurry of offence includes a clothesline directly to the testes. He eventually clotheslines Slaughter to the outside and they briefly brawl in the aisle for no real reason. Slaughter calls for a time-out then pokes the eyes. Like a DICK. Slaughter distracts the ref while his geriatric manager attacks. He drapes Warrior over the apron and kicks him in the back. I do appreciate how Slaughter's basic match includes back working to set up the camel clutch. Don't like that he's using it over the Cobra Clutch, but there you go.

Warrior tries to fight back but Slaughter undersells(!!) and goes for the eyes again. Backbreaker that's more of a hip breaker from Slaughter. Bearhug (because that's the sort of era Slaughter is from) thankfully lasts 30 seconds and not the 2 minutes it did in the title match. Warrior suplexes Slaughter and then does a weird pose that's meant to be selling that his back hurts. This lets Slaughter recover for another bearhug which takes up about a minute this time. During this minute, Paul Bearer comes out with a Warrior-print casket, and when Warrior fight out he can't take full advantage. So Slaughter clocks him in the back of the head, gently stomping away as we go to commercial.

Back in the ring, Warrior gathers strength and starts no-selling, to begin his comeback. Clotheslines everywhere, flying shoulderblock... Bearer lifts the casket, and Taker's in there! Warrior can't go for the gorilla press and splash because Taker's there. Slaughter and his old bastids attack to end this match in a DQ, and Taker joins the assault. Hogan comes in for the save, cleans out Team Iraq, tries to clock Taker with the title belt, but he no-sells! Taker does some elbows, misses, Warrior gets clotheslines, Taker completely ignores them until a clothesline tips him out of the ring.

Standard sports entertainment shenanigans, wasn't particularly great.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #281
The Nasty Boys (c) vs. The Bushwhackers
for the WWF World Tag Team Championship
WWF Saturday Night's Main Event XXIX - April 27, 1991​

As minus-starry as that match was for Dave, the viewers of Cagematch thought this match on the same show was worse. So let's watch it! Two teams I don't really like. Let's see what happens. Probably dogshit comedy.

Champs out first. They do the spot where both teams appeal to the crowd, because what you need is timewasting to start. Luke vs. Knobbs starts. Knobbs punches away until he misses one and Luke starts punching away. Knobbs tries to duck out. Back to shoulderblocks in the crowd. Luke reverses an Irish whip and Knobbs starts selling like he's having a seizure. Sags tries to intervene but Butch pays him a visit. The Kiwis whip Knobbs into Sags and then do a double clothesline. Both Nastys are out of the ring and need to regroup.

Butch pops the crowd but Sags gets him from behind with a forearm. A bit of Sags beatdown until Butch (again) reverses a whip and knees him directly in his nuts. Luke comes in with a clothesline but Knobbs breaks up the pin. Battering Ram cleans out the Nastys again. Back in, it's Sags against Luke again. A ref distraction lets Knobbs get in a cheeky little kick. The competent but dull Nastys beatdown begins. Luke absolutely FUCKS himself into the turnbuckle off an Irish whip. Elbow drop by Sags but Butch breaks the pin. Luke dodges a corner elbow, and now Knobbs vs. Butch. Knobbs does more seizure selling as Butch cleans up. Clothesline for two but Sags breaks it up. A ref distraction lets Knobbs gets a two-count.

Bushwhackers do a tag team thing involving one knocking down the other. I've lost track of which is which. This feels like it should get a pin because Sags is late to break it up. Ref is rapidly losing control. Knobbs folds Butch up and Sags plants his foot on his partner's rear for leverage. And that's it, the Nastys retain. Post-match, Battering Ram, and the Kiwis stand tall.

Little in the way of wrestling, structurally very messy, and no one got over.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #282
Hulk Hogan/The Ultimate Warrior vs. The Triangle of Terror
WWF SummerSlam - August 26, 1991​

And so we move on to the site of the climax of the Slaughter thing. SummerSlam 1991. Technically, the main event of this show was the on-screen wedding of Macho Man and Elizabeth, but this was the last match on the card, so this is the main event. According to SummerSlam's tagline, the wedding was "A Match Made In Heaven", but this was "A Match Made in Hell". You got that right. Sid is special referee for this one.

Col. Mustafa's walk reminds me of the Bushwhackers walk, which is a bad start. A bit of a break to start, to let the fans get the USA chants out of their system. Slaughter's a broken man now, a straight up coward. When Warrior leaves the ring Sid calls for the bell to ring, despite the bell having already rung a good minute ago. LONG staredown. Slaughter tries to pull out a belt but Sid takes it away from him. Engagement begins, Hogan whips Slaughter into the corner and Slaughter doesn't even go all the way over the turnbuckle. Sad days. Sid straight up lets Warrior get shots in. This was the peak era for babyface double standards.

Slaughter's getting downed repeatedly, including a bash into the corner. Mustafa breaks up the pin. Warrior's tagged in briefly, and double teams with Hogan before going back out. Double axe handle for two, and the heels try to run in. Hogan warns Sid not to try and stop his corner choke, but Sid does and there's friction right there. Time for Slaughter's team to get some heat, including treating Hogan to Mustafa's pointy boot. In comes Adnan, who performs the following 2 moves:

1. Forearm
2. Back rake

That's it. Just those same moves over and over. In comes Mustafa who can at least do a suplex. Camel clutch applied, until Warrior kicks Mustafa in the back. Back to Slaughter, backbreaker for a very slow two-count. As he does a corner choke it occurs to me that the crowd's "Hogan" chant sounds like a "Bullshit" chant. Slaughter whips Hogan into Sid, and the staredown allows the heels to take control again. Adnan's back in, with a brand new repertoire!

1. Axe handle (which is really just two forearms at a time)
2. Back rake
3. Eye rake
4. Bite

Slaughter slowly stomps away and goes up top, but Warrior shoves him and he eats shit. Warrior's tagged in, does his finishing sequence, but Sid's "accidentally" in the way while Warrior runs the ropes. This lets the heels take control AGAIN. Adnan adds a fifth (or sixth if you're generous) move, which is a knife-edge chop that makes no sound. Mustafa tries a suplex but Warrior blocks and reverses. Slaughter in, tries to attack Hogan, Hogan is held back by Sid. This is clever, because not only does it allow for a ref distraction spot, it sets up Hogan/Sid for WM8. And for me, it's the proof that Hogan/Flair in WWF was never the plan at any point. On one hand: valid. On the other hand: THROWING AWAY MONEY!

Oh yeah, the match. Meh. Slaughter's choking Warrior while Adnan stomps away at nothing. Slaughter lets Warrior stand up to hit a really rubbish looking clothesline. Out of nowhere Warrior gets his flying clothesline... double down, hot tag to Hogan. Time to Hulk up on Slaughter, big boot, Warrior cleans up the goons. The badly-winded Warrior grabs a chair and chases Adnan and Mustafa to the back (to be fired on the spot). Hogan gets some powder and hits Slaughter with it, leg drop, done. He calls Sid out to celebrate with him. Seeds planted.

I get the storyline, but the match quality is painful, especially when the heels are on top. Too many old guys in one ring.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #283
The Artist (c) vs. Psicosis
for the WCW Cruiserweight Championship
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

Back in November, I took note of the 50 lowest-rated Cagematch matches at that time, and you would not believe the depths I've not even touched yet for this thread. One of the first things I noted was that two matches happened to be from WCW New Blood Rising, an absolutely horrific show. And then I noticed three of them were from Uncensored 2000.

And then I checked on Cagematch, and every single match on this show but one is bad. Five matches on this show are sub-2/10 on Cagematch. The last three are all sub-1/10. Fucking hell. Just when I thought I'd gotten out of doing marathons from one show, this pulls me back in. This is ten matches in a row, out of 11 on the card. Only Vampiro vs. Finlay gets spared. Anyway, let's start with the Cruiserweights! They used to be the highlights of the show! Not anymore, now it's Prince Iaukea's time!

Champ out first, to a reaction I'm assuming was added in post when they were re-dubbing his theme. Juvi's out with Psicosis, probably strung out on drugs knowing him. I just noticed that Iaukea has a tattooed beard. Just as the match starts, some unfamiliar music hits and Chris Candido makes his debut! To almost complete silence! Psicosis completely outpaces Iaukea to start, hitting a headscissors, then sending him out for a flying crossbody to the outside. Back in, Psicosis whips Iaukea, then stands completely still as Iaukea comes back and kicks him. He didn't even tease a back body drop. On commentary, Candido buries the guys in ring for doing flips.

The pace notably dies as Iaukea gets the edge. He puts his foe in the Tree of Woe, does a back splash, then hits a snapmare for two. Psicosis ducks a clothesline but takes a superkick. The ref is distracted by Iaukea getting into it with Candido at the desk, so Paisley can get in some offence. Like a SLAP. Come on, not even an attempt at a choke? Psicosis takes a corner clothesline, and Iaukea bases some of his offence around pulling the hair. Didn't know he was a Diva. Iaukea keeps going for pins. Psicosis just barely sunset flips a (slightly) larger man. Juvi's just standing around listlessly outside.

Psicosis gets Iaukea up top and hits a Frankensteiner for two. There's then a sitout facebuster which has a really awkward looking setup, and then Iaukea sells it like a sitout brainbuster. He looks like he's landing on his head. Psicosis to the top rope, Paisley tries to stop him, so Juvi comes in and forces a kiss on Paisley. Like a total babyface. Paisley starts to tear off Juvi's clothes while Psicosis hits his top rope leg drop. He, for some dumb reason, stops the pin because Paisley shouts at him. causing him to step right into Iaukea's flying DDT for the three .Juvi's doing something weird in front of Paisley post-match. No idea.

You know why I don't like Prince Iaukea? He's supposedly a Cruiserweight, but he doesn't really do the WCW Cruiserweight style. He's got no pace to him. He just does the regular matches that everyone else does, but slower. Which makes the division worse. Psicosis got about a minute of offence out of, say, seven, and that was the only thing approaching a bright spot.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #284
XS vs. The Screamin' Demons
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

"Who the hell are XS?" It's Lenny and Lodi, in one of their many attempts to rebrand after the West Hollywood Blondes thing got killed. They're up against this weird odd couple team of Norman Smiley and the KISS Demon. Why is this on PPV? Who knows?

Right after XS's entrance, Miss Hancock's legs make their way to commentary. Hancock theorises that Lane and Rave (as they're called right now) are feuding with her because they're Xtra Small. HAHAHA GET IT BECAUSE PENIS. Demon comes out from the entrance way, while Smiley occupies the Demon's entrance casket and has his own Demon costume. Nice. Almost, but not quite, worth putting this pair on PPV.

Smiley tries to get Demon to dance with him, so XS attacks them both. Eventually Rave's in with Demon, who gets a quick butterfly suplex for two. Lane breaks up the pin and together they throw Demon out. Smiley comes in from behind and now it's Smiley vs. Lane in the ring (neither of whom is the legal man). Rave and Demon brawl on the outside while Smiley gets the edge on Lane by thrusting him in the ass. He then gets Lane in a wheelbarrow and spanks him, then drops him right on his feet. He could have broken his ankles there. He does his scoop slam with style, but Rave comes back and interrupts. Smiley tags out to Demon (the legal man), then Rave tags in (also the legal man).

Hancock on commentary is talking about managing Silver King and El Dandy. Lane does a wheel kick by vaulting off of Rave, and throws himself into it so much that he tumbles to the outside. Rave's suplex on Demon gets two. They try to do a double clothesline spot, but Demon sells, Rave slips on his ass, and Lane gets dragged down with him. How do you botch a double clothesline? Like that, apparently. Crowd only really cares about Smiley. He tags in, cleans out, bumps Rave in the ass, then hits another stylish scoop slam. He wants to Big Wiggle, but Lane pushes him and Rave trips him. Lane hits a full nelson slam and Demon breaks the pin. Hancock forgets her lines. Lane clotheslines Demon out, but Rave gets put in the Norman Conquest and taps.

Post-match Smiley and Demon stop XS from leaving with Hancock, then they all have a Big Wiggle party together. Pretty rubbish match in all honesty, Smiley was over but no one else was and they botched a double clothesline.

 

[Rosie]

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #285
Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Wall
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

Okay, here we go, next match. Two big dudes. Storyline: THE WALL (BROTHER) has been feuding with Bam Bam and has also been hurting David Flair and Crowbar (who have told Daffney to stay in the back, so there will sadly be no appearance on her part). According to Mike Tenay, he's doing whatever he can to "get himself over". God, I hate 2000 WCW. Bam Bam had a part in training the Wall and wants to stop the carnage once and for all. How will he do that? Let's find out.

They kick off by brawling. They choose the perfect generous angle to make Wall's strikes look like they hit, and even then they look like they're a mile off. Wall manages to down Bam Bam for a bit with a clothesline, and he gets brief control until Bam Bam hits a clothesline of his own. Bam Bam gets a diving headbutt for two. Wall hits a big boot, then a hip attack for a two of his own. Bam Bam counters an attempted back body drop with a DDT. Wall manages to clothesline both of them out, and then there's some basic brawling into the aisle. Wall puts Bigelow through a table with PC monitors on it, one of which weakly explodes. And the bell rings for a DQ!

Soon after, David Flair and Crowbar are in to attack the Wall. Of course, Wall clears Flair off because he's David Flair. He saves his worst for Crowbar, who gets his neck brace torn off. EMTs go over to Bigelow. Wall and Crowbar brawl to the backstage. A bit of EMT time later, they're on the stage scaffolding. The Wall manages to chokeslam Crowbar through the stage (well, a gimmicked part of it) while Daffney comes out and screams in anguish. Crowd chants for Wall to jump. Why?

This story was dying for a blowoff (maybe at a PPV titled Uncensored, you should have some more leniency on DQs?) but we wouldn't get one now. Or indeed ever, as this would be one of the stories that wouldn't survive the WCW reboot. A match that essentially existed for a post-match, and to build a feud that would soon die a death.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #286
3 Count (c) vs. Brian Knobbs
Hardcore Gauntlet Match for the WCW Hardcore Championship
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

It's all downhill from there. You didn't misread, by the way. 3 Count are, collectively, the champions, after all piling on Knobbs to win a hardcore match, and now hold the belt between them. This is the big rematch. This'll probably be the best match yet, for all the zero that that means.

Helms has a protective face mask. Knobbs goes to the back again because he forgot to bring his trolley full of weapons. While he's dishing them out, Helms comes off the top to hit him with a broomstick. Garbage can shots to the face for everyone. Karagias uses the broomstick so Knobbs bowls him over. All of 3 Count get taken to Pitty City, a spot that's gotten no reaction for YEARS. Helms clatters a steel chair off Knobbs' face. Knobbs gets triple whipped into a ladder. Turns out the ladder has a plastic diving platform, so each of 3 Count does a move off it. "He missed" -Tony Schiavone, who has never seen a Swanton before. 3 Count do poses before Knobbs scatters them with a fire extinguisher. Knobbs tries his hardest to smash Helms' face before going for the pin. Helms is down.

Knobbs comes out, wears down the other two, and gets the tables. Then he wanders over, gets Karagias into position, and powerbombs him through the table to get an easy three. Helms tries to get some hits in but is whipped over the guardrail. He gives Moore a concussion. then drops the ladder on him. He takes a good long while to set up the table, so when he's trying to slam Moore through it, Helms dropkicks him in the back. Moore's on top, pinning him, and 3 Count retain... but because Knobbs' foot was on the rope, the match is restarted.

A ROPE BREAK IN A FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE HARDCORE MATCH. Fuck me shitless.

Anyway, Knobbs clears up, even tossing the ladders around. Moore offers the belt in exchange for his life but Knobbs just wants to hurt him. Diving garbage can splash wins it for Knobbs. "Respectability just came back to the WCW Hardcore Division" -Tenay? Are you okay??

I thought it wasn't terrible but then that finish happened.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #287
Booker/Billy Kidman vs. Harlem Heat 2000
WCW Uncensored - March 19, 2000​

After Vampiro cuts an absolutely awful promo, we move on to our fifth match. And here's another storyline that didn't make it far after the reboot: Harlem Heat 2000! Booker T being denied the use of the letter T, just being Booker, because Stevie Ray has adopted Big T (out-of-shape Ahmed Johnson). Also KASH (who was one of the No Limit Soldiers, and has a condition that stops his arms touching his sides called "steroiditis"). Booker's new bro is Billy Kidman, who isn't really his bro, they haven't gotten on the same page at all. At least Torrie Wilson is there.

J. Biggs becomes the third guest commentator in five matches. It;s Booker vs. Stevie to start off. Stevie stomps away, then tries to whip Booker, but Booker just stops and kicks him. In comes Kidman, who starts strong but tries to give a crossbody to a larger man and gets slammed. Out comes Ahmed, who eats a Kidman dropkick right away. Ahmed is noticeably awkward, not seeming to flow at all. Stevie tries to interfere, and even KASH comes out to the rope, but eats a scissor kick over the ropes. Russian legsweep to Ahmed, Kidman tries to go to the top rope, but Stevie clotheslines him right out of the air. Nice little spot.

Kidman, naturally, is going to play Ricky Morton here. Ahmed's scissors kick is awful. Ref distraction spot while KASH chokes Kidman. Ahmed's trying to do a dive over the guardrail on to Kidman, but he overshoots and eats shit. As soon as Kidman's in, Stevie sends him right out again. Ahmed gives Kidman a spinebuster for two. Kidman gets a bulldog (or a DDT, according to Schiavone), and can finally hot tag to Booker. Book End for Ahmed, Stevie breaks it up, then Book End for Stevie.

Ahmed manages to jump Booker from behind, and Harlem Heat 2000 give Booker a double spinebuster (or as Schiavone says, a sidewalk slam). One hand on the chest from Ahmed, but Kidman saves. Stevie tries to toss Kidman around but Kidman slips out and Stevie collides with KASH instead. They're jostling for a suplex in the ring, and Kidman comes in for a pretty cool tag team finish: a sunset flip/leg lariat combo.

Somehow, this is match of the night so far! When Ahmed wasn't involved it was at least semi-competent. I'll leave it at that for now, as next up would be Vampiro/Finlay, the actual match of the night, but next time... the rest of this accursed show. The words "Yapapi Indian Strap Match" haunt my nightmares.

 

[Rosie]

​

After Vampiro cuts an absolutely awful promo, we move on to our fifth match.

"I sometimes think about things, think about doing mean things."

That one?

And at least half the match had competent workers.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

"I sometimes think about things, think about doing mean things."

That one?

And at least half the match had competent workers.

Yes, that one. He's got zero delivery. And it's a pre-tape so that was the best take.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Vampiro was notoriously a shit promo which is why he never became a huge star in the US.

 

[Samoa Looch]

What are you guys on about? Vampiro is a top-tier talker.