Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Grimoire Lenin]

Entry #295
Hulk Hogan (c) vs. Andre the Giant
for the WWF Championship
WWF WrestleMania III - March 29. 1987​

Okay, I'm about to commit a bit of a sin here. I'm going to review Hogan and Andre in this thread. It makes sense - it's a Worst Match of the Year winner, and it got exactly one Dave star (for comparison, he also gave Junkyard Dog's match one star on this show, and if you know Dave you know how much he hated JYD). But it's got THE iconic moment, the one that starts every WWE broadcast. That slam. Which one dominates the other? The iconic nature of the match, or the fact that the workrate is probably going to be absolutely awful? Let's see!

It's wild how many celebrities are involved in these early Manias. Bob Uecker is ring announcer for this one (apparently he's a guy who talked about baseball), and Mary Hart (no relation to any Hart in wrestling, I think) is timekeeper. Why don't we have that at Mania 40, a random TikToker getting tasked with ringing the bell for Roman/Cody? WWE could put their entrance in the Peacock ad breaks, so it doesn't take away anyone's time. Uecker announcing "ANDRE... the GIANT!" was used as the voice clip in my personal favourite WWE signature intro, the late 2000s/early 2010s one before they came up with the "then, now, forever" slogan. I just noticed this. Also, the silly wheelie entrance carts. I go into this match in a good mood that I hope will not be crushed by a 5-minute rest hold.

"The irresistible force meeting the immovable object" is the iconic line as Hogan and Andre have their staredown. Andre doesn't look that much taller, honestly. Shoving match, then Hogan tries a slam, but fails. He's selling his back (as much as Hogan ever sells) so that's what Andre's going to work. By hitting a chop to the back, standing stock still and waiting for Hogan to get up, and hitting another chop. Knee lift, then Andre slams Hogan a couple of times. Then a BIG WALK, because of course. Makes you wish for a bearhug, doesn't it? Whip to the corner. "Andre's taking his time" -yep.

Hogan's backed into the corner and getting crushed, but he manages to sneak through Andre's legs. He's coming in with punches. "He's got Andre stunned" -how can you tell, he's not selling at all. Hogan bashes Andre's face into the corner, then goes for a corner attack, but Andre gets the boot up. And because I apparently have prediction powers, Andre slaps on a bearhug! Maybe I'm being generous because of the spectacle, but I'm a little more fine with this bearhug than most. One, it feels like it makes sense, because Andre has been targeting the back. Two, it makes non-kayfabe sense as a rest hold for immobile ass Andre. Still, it's a near-three-minute bearhug, so it can't be that good.

Arm drop routine, Hogan of course fights back. Goes in for the punches, and Andre deflects his shoulderblocks. Andre gets in a chop to the neck, and Hogan gets kicked to the outside. Andre goes in for a headbutt but only eats post when Hogan ducks. Hogan exposes the concrete and seems to be going for a piledriver, but Andre drops him off. (Now, if that were Sting, he'd have tanked the piledriver and kicked out at two!) Back in the ring, Andre whips Hogan, but Hogan ducks a big boot and gets the giant off his feet with a clothesline! Time for Hogan to Hulk up! He slams Andre, and the crowd lose their FUCKING MINDS. Leg drop, and it's over, Hogan wins. "Greatest match I've ever seen" -Jesse Ventura, who saw Savage/Steamboat on this show.

I'm gonna say... probably not worst match of the year. Sure, it's got literally zero workrate, but the atmosphere of the night makes it not suck as much somehow. If you multiplied [match profile among US viewers] x [negative match quality], sure, that might give it to Hogan/Andre, but it did what it was meant to. Would I be this kind if it were a random TV match between two guys not named Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant? No, probably not. And that's because they weren't Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.

It's still going below the Hog Pen match, though.

Meltzer was a giant dumbass for thinking this match was one of the worst of that year.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #297
The First Reverse Battle Royal
Fight for the Right Tournament Preliminary Round
TNA Impact - October 26, 2006​

This, in 2006, was Worst Match of the Year, marking the first of five times a TNA match was voted the worst by Observer readers. The other four (the Blindfold Cage match, Jenna/Sharmell, Sting/Hardy, and Rebel/Shelly) have all been covered here. So, let's go for the full set. What is a reverse battle royal, you ask? Well, the rules are quite simple:

• 18 men will start out of the ring, try to get into the ring.
• The first 7 men to get into the ring will proceed to a regular battle royal.
• The final elimination changes to pinfall or submission only (you know, like a Gauntlet for the Gold).
• The 6 men eliminated in the over-the-top portion will then compete in a tournament where the winner faces the winner of the battle royal.
• At the end of it, someone will end up with a TNA World Title shot.

Got it? Well if you did, you'd be one of maybe three people who understood that. Even as someone who gets the actual rules, it does seem very convoluted. So, who's taking part in this one?

• Abyss
• AJ Styles
• Brother Devon
• Brother Runt (aka Spike Dudley)
• Chris Sabin
• Christian Cage
• Christopher Daniels
• Eric Young
• James Storm
• Jay Lethal
• Kazarian
• Kip James (aka Billy Gunn, with a haircut that must be seen to be believed)
• Lance Hoyt
• Raven
• Robert Roode
• Ron "The Truth" Killings
• Senshi
• Sonjay Dutt

A star-studded lineup, and also Spike Dudley is there. Let's see how they deal with this infamous stipulation!

And immediately, most competitors start brawling outside of the ring rather than trying to get into the ring. Eric Young has no idea where he is, starting a chase all around. James Storm just stands back and watches with a beer. He knows he's good at this. He knows he'll be World Champion, however briefly, in 2011, which is something that most of these people will never achieve. Spike tries to tempt Eric Young out of his cowardice, then pokes him in the eyes. Still a bit of a lack of people getting in to the ring. There is a pileup of Raven, Christian, and Daniels, who all manage to prevent each other. Roode is the first who manages to get in. Brother Ray's out here watching the match. Chris Sabin is in the ring.

Matt Bentley is in the stands, debuting a new look which I kind of vibe to. I almost thought it was drugged-up Jeff Hardy at first. Abyss and Hoyt are tossing X Division guys off the apron, not trying to get in themselves until Styles and Daniels are already in. Abyss punches his ticket to the rest of this match after that. Ray is arguing with Shane Douglas for some reason. Hoyt is in now. Jay Lethal almost gets in but is tipped out. Christian and Truth brawl, Christian hits a low blow, and Rhino wipes Christian out! Truth is in! LAX are out to brawl with AMW! What is the point of half of this?

Stage 2 begins, now it's a regular battle royal. Hoyt/Abyss are at each other early. Sabin tries to eliminate Truth but Hoyt does the work for him. Sabin then hits a springboard dropkick. He goes for a tornado DDT but Roode tosses him out. Hoyt is absolutely powering through until Roode hits a rolling cutter (Cross Roodes?). Abyss tries to chokeslam Daniels but Styles saves him and they do some nice double teaming. Roode lariats Styles out of his boots. Daniels tries to get some offence on Roode but Traci Brooks grabs the boot, allowing Roode to eliminate him. Styles gets the Pele on to Roode on the top rope, kicking him out too! Final three is Styles/Abyss/Hoyt. AJ's way over and is looking to hold his own until Abyss hip tosses him out and he lands awkwardly on his neck. Oof.

Now it's a regular battle of the big men, Abyss vs. Hoyt. Traditional big man vs. "modern" big man with explosive moments. Hoyt gets in a jumping forearm, as if to prove my point. He's over as a face. Abyss gets in a big boot, but he gets a chair slipped in thanks to Father James Mitchell. The ref removes the chair and Hoyt hits a HUGE boot. Moonsault by Hoyt only gets two. Hoyt charges, but takes the Shock Treatment for two. Big dropkick by Hoyt. Mitchell distracts the ref, but it's to Abyss' disasdvantage as it lets Hoyt get in a coast-to-coast dropkick on the chair. Only gets a two-count somehow. Hoyt looks distraught. He's trying to set up the Texas Tornado, but can't hold the colossus up. Black Hole Slam finishes it, and Abyss wins.

Maybe it's unfair to rate this as one match. After all, Cagematch does have this as three separate matches, and bells did ring between them. But multi-stage matches can be weird like that. This is, for this thread's purpose, one match. And its stages were in order: really dumb and weird; fine, I guess; and a pretty damn nice if short big-man battle. They could have streamlined this and made it something I could call a Good Match but Vince Russo's always got to innovate. As it stands, all it is is one of the best Bad Matches.

And they did it again.

 

[Rosie]

"Everything is backwards, bro. They are gonna love it!"

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #298
The Second Reverse Battle Royal
Fight for the Right Tournament Preliminary Round
TNA Bound for Glory - October 14, 2007​

Yeah, they did it again. On Pay-Per-Fucking-View. This took most of the air out of the match by ensuring that the guys that the fans wanted to see would be safely out of this match and in their own, more interesting matches. Any rule changes from this one?

• Now it's 16 competitors
• First 8 get into the regular battle royal
• Final 2 are pinfalls/submissions only like before
• In the end all 8 gets into the tournament and there's no bye for the winner
• So why do the pinfall/submission thing if you don't need to establish one as objectively superior to the other anymore?
• I know
• It's stupid

And who are our competitors this time?

• Jimmy Rave
• Lance Hoyt
• Havok (Johnny Devine under his Raven-follower name, not Jessicka)
• Shark Boy
• Petey Williams
• (Frankie) Kaz(arian)
• Alex Shelley
• Chris Sabin
• Sonjay Dutt
• Kip James
• BG James (aka Road Dogg)
• James Storm
• Eric Young
• Robert Roode
• Chris Harris
• Junior Fatu (Rikishi in give-zero-fucks cynic mode)

And once again, no one tries to get into the ring and instead starts to brawl with their nearest neighbour. Or, in the case of Eric Young, just stand there. Fatu gets in right away, because he's not being paid by the hour. Kaz and Roode are up on the top and Kaz gives Roode a Spanish Fly into the ring, qualifying them both. Alex Shelley's in. Hoyt has nothing stopping him from getting in, but he stops to gorilla press EY. Which of course means EY pokes him in the eye, sending Hoyt off the apron and forcing him to tip EY over the top. Chris Sabin joins his partner. Hoyt soon gives the Wasteland to Havok and then jumps in. Harris and Billy Gunn are battling on the apron, Harris thinks he's in, but Storm managed to rush in and hop over before him. That would be a good spot if the reverse battle royal concept, yaknow, worked.

And it doesn't do much good for Storm as he's immediately tossed by EY. Fatu's just tossing around rights and making other sell for him. EY offers him Storm's beer, but Fatu wants none of it. EY doesn't understand how a Stinkface is supposed to work. Fatu continues to dominate, Samoan drops and chokeslams. A four-man stacked backsplash follows, and then Lance Hoyt is the one unlucky enough to get a faceful of Samoan booty. Everyone starts kicking Fatu around, and it takes four men and a step-up dropkick by Sabin to finish it for him. Kaz goes for a springboard flying nothing and Hoyt hits a chokeslam. I like this era of Hoyt.

MCMG do a genuinely cool submission spot: Sabin has a crossface on Roode, Shelley an abdominal stretch on EY, while Roode's legs are knotted around one of EY's! Top rope leg drop by Sabin! Sabin goes for another flashy springboard move but while he's outside the ring Kaz just kicks him and eliminates him. Kaz and Roode skin the cat together but Roode uranage's him off the apron. Hoyt sets up his moonsault but Roode pushes him off. EY and Shelley double-team Roode, Shelley goes to the top rope but Roode tosses EY into him to knock him off! And then there were two.

And now the pointless pinfall/submission part! Roode is angy. Oh yeah, this was the EY/Roode feud which led to a bikini contest involving a man and no actual bikinis. Roode goes for a back suplex but EY flips it into a pin for two. Another EY pin attempt gets a rope break. Big lariat by Roode, then EY goes for a moonsault but misses. EY suddenly gets a small package for the win! And his performance in the tournament was checks notes immediately getting eliminated by number 8 seed James Storm. Sounds about right. And Shelley and Sabin? They got wiped out by Team 3D and their spot was taken by Christian Cage, who wasn't even in the tournament! Russo, everybody.

Weaker than the first. Some pretty neat moments involving MCMG are overshadowed by every stage of this three-stage match sucking a bit more than the first one's equivalent.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #299
Big Show vs. Akebono
Sumo Match
WWE WrestleMania 21 - April 3, 2005​

RIP Akebono Taro - first ever foreign-born yokozuna in sumo, and professional wrestler.

Sumo and professional wrestling have an interesting history together. There have been quite a few sumo wrestlers who went on to the squared circle, most of them born in Japan, but some of them not (see: Earthquake). Akebono wasn't the first yokozuna (legit grand champion) of sumo to enter pro wrestling, or even to enter this thread (hey, Koji Kitao, how you doing?). But if you add success in sumo to success in pro wrestling, he had the best combined career out of all of them. 2x Triple Crown Champion, 2x AJPW World Tag Team Champion, 2x AJPW All-Asia Tag Team Champion, former AWA/ZERO1 World Heavyweight Champion, and more.

Also he had this match where he did worked sumo against Big Show in a thong. Worked shoot fighting is, as always, never good. This one got a big fat DUD from Dave. Let's take the only opportunity we'll have to mention Akebono in this thread (unless he had a clunker during his All Japan run and I missed it).

(Actually, when I look at Cagematch for things Akebono did, I find... Akebono/Mutoh vs. the Dudley Boyz?? I am SO down for that!)

This was apparently an attempt to gain a Japanese audience. It certainly wasn't an attempt to gain an American audience, because the silence during Akebono's entrance is really sad. Show pulls up his sumo robe to show off his calves mid-entrance. Crowd pops when they take off their robes fully, I guess because they're fans of oversized man-ass. They do the clapping and stomping, because that's what you do in sumo. I'm disappointed that the ref isn't mic'd up. The ring gets salted, and this is why sumo never took off outside Japan. So much ceremony for so little action. Michael Cole actually trying to explain sumo is killing me. More staring, more stalling.

We're on, and they start running into each other. And that's literally all they do. Occasionally they slap, but otherwise they're running into each other. Show is almost outside the circle a few times but manages to survive. They're grabbing each other's mawashi (thongs) for leverage. Show motions for the chokeslam, which I doublt is legal in sumo, but Akebono clashes with him and unceremoniously bundles him out. No one cares. Show comes back in the ring for a bit of respect.

About what I expected, a bizarre display that is certainly something. Not wrestling, but something.

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #295
Hulk Hogan (c) vs. Andre the Giant
for the WWF Championship
WWF WrestleMania III - March 29. 1987​

Okay, I'm about to commit a bit of a sin here. I'm going to review Hogan and Andre in this thread. It makes sense - it's a Worst Match of the Year winner, and it got exactly one Dave star (for comparison, he also gave Junkyard Dog's match one star on this show, and if you know Dave you know how much he hated JYD). But it's got THE iconic moment, the one that starts every WWE broadcast. That slam. Which one dominates the other? The iconic nature of the match, or the fact that the workrate is probably going to be absolutely awful? Let's see!

It's wild how many celebrities are involved in these early Manias. Bob Uecker is ring announcer for this one (apparently he's a guy who talked about baseball), and Mary Hart (no relation to any Hart in wrestling, I think) is timekeeper. Why don't we have that at Mania 40, a random TikToker getting tasked with ringing the bell for Roman/Cody? WWE could put their entrance in the Peacock ad breaks, so it doesn't take away anyone's time. Uecker announcing "ANDRE... the GIANT!" was used as the voice clip in my personal favourite WWE signature intro, the late 2000s/early 2010s one before they came up with the "then, now, forever" slogan. I just noticed this. Also, the silly wheelie entrance carts. I go into this match in a good mood that I hope will not be crushed by a 5-minute rest hold.

"The irresistible force meeting the immovable object" is the iconic line as Hogan and Andre have their staredown. Andre doesn't look that much taller, honestly. Shoving match, then Hogan tries a slam, but fails. He's selling his back (as much as Hogan ever sells) so that's what Andre's going to work. By hitting a chop to the back, standing stock still and waiting for Hogan to get up, and hitting another chop. Knee lift, then Andre slams Hogan a couple of times. Then a BIG WALK, because of course. Makes you wish for a bearhug, doesn't it? Whip to the corner. "Andre's taking his time" -yep.

Hogan's backed into the corner and getting crushed, but he manages to sneak through Andre's legs. He's coming in with punches. "He's got Andre stunned" -how can you tell, he's not selling at all. Hogan bashes Andre's face into the corner, then goes for a corner attack, but Andre gets the boot up. And because I apparently have prediction powers, Andre slaps on a bearhug! Maybe I'm being generous because of the spectacle, but I'm a little more fine with this bearhug than most. One, it feels like it makes sense, because Andre has been targeting the back. Two, it makes non-kayfabe sense as a rest hold for immobile ass Andre. Still, it's a near-three-minute bearhug, so it can't be that good.

Arm drop routine, Hogan of course fights back. Goes in for the punches, and Andre deflects his shoulderblocks. Andre gets in a chop to the neck, and Hogan gets kicked to the outside. Andre goes in for a headbutt but only eats post when Hogan ducks. Hogan exposes the concrete and seems to be going for a piledriver, but Andre drops him off. (Now, if that were Sting, he'd have tanked the piledriver and kicked out at two!) Back in the ring, Andre whips Hogan, but Hogan ducks a big boot and gets the giant off his feet with a clothesline! Time for Hogan to Hulk up! He slams Andre, and the crowd lose their FUCKING MINDS. Leg drop, and it's over, Hogan wins. "Greatest match I've ever seen" -Jesse Ventura, who saw Savage/Steamboat on this show.

I'm gonna say... probably not worst match of the year. Sure, it's got literally zero workrate, but the atmosphere of the night makes it not suck as much somehow. If you multiplied [match profile among US viewers] x [negative match quality], sure, that might give it to Hogan/Andre, but it did what it was meant to. Would I be this kind if it were a random TV match between two guys not named Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant? No, probably not. And that's because they weren't Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.

It's still going below the Hog Pen match, though.

It's called "STORYTELLING". Something wrestlers in the 80's who lacked the in-ring ability of today's stars were great at. And you talk about the celebrities, having the "Where's the beef" lady is a pretty bad, but some of the others were moderately famous back then. Meanwhile today WWE is always pointing out "celebrities" in the crowd who are either local professional athletes or someone who has a small role in a TV show and they act like that person is Tom Hanks. And as far as getting a random TikToker to get involved in a match, WWE has a random YouTuber as United States Champion and whoever the fuck was the guy in the bottle costume.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #300
Diamond Dallas Page (c)/David Arquette vs. Jeff Jarrett/Eric Bischoff
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Thunder - April 26, 2000​

I wondered what could possibly be worthy of entry number 300 in this thread. My 100th entry celebration saw me watch through Heroes of Wrestling, while my 200th saw me slog through a load of depressing shit. How can I top that? In truth, I can't. But I've got something special here. Strap in folks, it's time to talk about David Arquette. A man whose run in WCW has been bashed as some of the worst nonsense that wrestling has ever given us. And it's all because of this match! DDP had recently taken the title off Jarrett off a shot he earned when Arquette beat Bischoff, and earlier on this show, it was announced there'd be a tag team match where whoever got the pin would take the championship. Remember that now.

Arquette's been attacked backstage earlier in the night, and it appears to have affected him so much that he has no idea how to do DDP's hand sign. DDP doesn't know where the ref is... until Kimberly Page comes out! This was during the storyline where Kimberly was feuding with DDP and in a relationship with Bischoff, which was stupid as I remember it. Don't expect a legit refereeing job.

Arquette and Bischoff immediately start brawling in the aisle, so camera ignores actual wrestlers Jarrett and DDP in the ring and focuses on them instead. They're off to the back. DDP hits a neckbreaker and pins, but Kimberly only gets to a one-count before she claims to have a broken nail. Jarrett goes for a back body drop but gets powerbombed. Kimberly doesn't even bother counting. Jarrett attacks from behind, sits into a sunset flip attempt for a seriously quick two, then DDP completes the sunset flip. Again, Kimberly doesn't count. So far it's been a masterclass in heel refereeing, if not match quality. Jarrett hits a DDT for another rapid two.

Bisch shows up again, claiming we'll not see Arquette any more. He them tags in and shows off some of his martial artist kicks (note to self: write about Bischoff as Hardcore Champ in WCW. The crowd makes the sound of people chanting "DDP" by largely sitting on their hands in silence. The beatdown continues until DDP gets a surprise clothesline. Arquette staggers into the ring as DDP leaves the heels dazed, then forces a kiss on his ex. You know, like a babyface! Arquette "spears" Bischoff (even Edge would be embarrassed) before Jarrett hits DDP with the belt. With Kimberly out of action (bumped by a kiss, like a true ref), a replacement official comes out, and counts... the Arquette pin. (Despite - and I checked - DDP being the legal man).

And that's it. David Arquette is your new WCW World Heavyweight Champion. The Big Gold Belt, that has been held aloft by Flair, and Sting, and Hogan, and Savage, and so many other guys... is now in the possession of an actor without actual wrestling training. "This match equals piss break" sign in the crowd. DDP is insanely happy for his friend, despite having lost the belt to him. To his credit, Arquette hated the idea, tried to talk them out of it, and donated his pay. But unfortunately, Vince Russo didn't hate the idea, and that's how things happen.

Generic WCW main event, that had one of the most stupid, mind-boggling finishes ever.

 

[Chris]

That match itself I don't think does justice to the stupidity at all. I'd actually argue it was entertaining, Arquette was good at what he did. But everything in context, especially the world title booking before and after makes it the legendary booking fuck up it is

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #301
David Arquette vs. Eric Bischoff
WCW Monday Nitro - April 24, 2000​

David Arquette wrestled 4 matches in WCW. And maybe Chris's right. Maybe the match's stupidity is exemplified by looking at its wider context. So, I'm going to look at the rest of David Arquette's matches in WCW! And unusually, we're going backwards to the first one. Arquette vs. Bischoff, two wrestlers who aren't wrestlers. This earned DDP a shot at the title which he won. But it wasn't the main event of this card (that was a first blood match between Sting and Vampiro that went to a no contest). And he lost it two days later. To Arquette. Yep, Chris, you're right. But let's watch this match anyway.

Bisch has Jarrett and Kimberly in his corner. Arquette's theme is the Bif Naked cover of "We're Not Gonna Take It", which was in Ready To Rumble, and his tron is that music video. Unless you're watching on the Network, in which case he comes out to Generic Rock #6. Schiavone's talking about Bisch's karate skills, and he demonstrates the karate skill of Kicking Arquette In The Back. A very martial arts-like boot choke follows. Arquette comes out of nowhere for a spear, and then he does the fucking WORM. Full taunts and everything. Very telling that the most over thing in this match is a WWF act. This would get the pin, but Jarrett pulls out the ref. (Bisch's arm was under the ropes, anyway.) This leads DDP to clothesline the ref by mistake, so Jarrett hits him with the belt.

Jarrett comes in with a guitar, Bischoff punches Arquette in the nuts, then holds him backp for Jarrett to get the guitar shot in, but you know exactly how this spot goes so you don't need me to say it. Kanyon comes in to wipe out Jarrett while a replacement ref shows up to count the pin. Arquette wins. Lights go out, literally just to alert us to the fact that Sting exists. He doesn't even do anything.

Overbooked as hell TV match featuring two non-wrestlers. At least it wasn't as bad as certain other matches featuring two non-wrestlers.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #302
David Arquette (c) vs. Tank Abbott
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - May 1, 2000​

But David Arquette did indeed win the World Title. Not only did he win the World Title, he made a TELEVISED DEFENCE. This was it. Against Tank Abbott, a man who'd faced previous champion DDP earlier in the night and K'd him the F O with a single punch. Is Russo going to get what he wanted all along, Tank Abbott as World Champion? It'd be preferable to Arquette, which is the sad part.

A sign calls Arquette "110 pounds of whoop-ass". The ref sends Kanyon to the back. Arquette makes Abbott his backpack. Abbott chokes Arquette in the corner, then bundles him over. Arquette tries a spear but Abbott just stops him. We cut to the back, where DDP gets out of an ambulance. Completely off-screen, Arquette has somehow been knocked down and out, and Abbott is shoving the ref. DDP's music hits, but no one comes. Cut to the back again, Bischoff tells Jarrett to get to the ring right now. This leads the cameras to completely miss DDP coming out through the crowd and hitting a Diamond Cutter on Abbott. (We'd find out that Jarrett never made it out as Steiner attacked him.) DDP revives the ref, and David Arquette, a non-wrestler actor, has pinned legitimate punchy man Tank Abbott. There goes his career, I guess.

And there goes that match. Completely stupid, low-content, and WCW production totally fucked it.

 

[BSE]

Entry #274
Balls Mahoney vs. Kintaro Kanemura
ECW Living Dangerously - March 12, 2000​

And now we return to the site of the Danbury Fall, for the only match that got zero Dave stars from it (other than the New Jack/Vic Grimes match itself, which he didn't rate). The only man who is named after testicles taking on the chubby rapey fuck of the Japanese deathmatch scene.

This is Big Dick Johnson erasure

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #303
David Arquette (c) vs. Diamond Dallas Page vs. Jeff Jarrett
Ready to Rumble Triple Cage Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Slamboree - May 7, 2000​

And we complete (mostly) the sad, strange little run of David Arquette with this, the big payoff to his having won the Actual World Title of their Actual Company. A triple-decker cage match, meant to tie in with that awful movie Ready to Rumble. Does it end the right way? Given that it didn't start the right way or have a good middle, I doubt it does! Let's go!

At least they worked out a machinery to have three cages around the regular ring, unlike Uncensored '96 where they had an entirely different ring setup that wasn't well lit and invisible to the live crowd. The cages are respectively the regular Caged Heat (= Hell in a Cell) cage, the Hardcore Cage, and the Guitar Cage. The strap is above the third cage. Wonder why Russo didn't revive this particular ruleset? (He kind of did, with WarGames 2000, but let's not think about that. We've had enough trauma in this post.) Arquette's titantron now includes that Worm he did against Tank Abbott. Tank Abbott wasn't on this card. Wonder why.

Arquette kicks off by running away from Jarrett. DDP protects Arquette from a beatdown. The first cage looks particularly flimsy. Back in the ring, Jarrett hits a DDT and starts chasing Arquette around again, until he runs into a DDP lariat. DDP hits a uranage to set up Arquette to splash Jarrett, but Jarrett rolls away. Jarrett dropkicks a ladder into DDP, then DDP whips Jarrett into Arquette. DDP tries to crotch Jarrett but Jarrett kicks him off. Jarrett tries to get both opponents with one clothesline; DDP ducks, but Arquette doesn't. DDP finally gets to stick Jarrett into the ring post.

No one seems in any hurry to get up to the next level until DDP grabs a ladder. Jarrett's busted open. They're brawling a bit on the outside, and then they fight on the ladder. DDP powerbombs Jarrett then whips him into the ladder a few times until Jarrett counters. Jarrett gets a second ladder and stacks both on DDP. DDP tips Jarrett off the ladder while he's hanging off the mesh above, which is the first spot that actually interests me this whole match. DDP gets up, and wastes no time grabbing bolt cutters to open the door in the Hardcore Cage(TM). He manages to get it open before Jarrett follows.

We get a very short hardcore brawl on the very unstable mesh floor of level two, where Jarrett busts DDP open with a chair shot to the head. DDP drags Jarrett back down when he tries to reach the third level, and then the two brawl again with more concussion-baiting weapon shots. All the while Arquette is on the bottom level watching like the geek he is. Eventually they charge one of the walls of the second level, and it collapses! That's actually a pretty good shenanigan. DDP sets up a table on the shaky floor, and to give credit to him, he manages to break the table by tossing Jarrett into it, even though said table looks like it can barely stand up.

Jarrett tries to climb to level three again, but DDP gingerly hits him with a chair. Jarrett and DDP threaten to whip each other off the cage to the floor. Finally Arquette decides to follow the other two up the ladder, and takes the opportunity to slip past them and reach the Guitar Cage. DDP teases a Diamond Cutter but Mike Awesome comes to interfere. From where, I have no idea. Arquette is very close to reclaiming his title. DDP gives the Diamond Cutter to Awesome, then both the actual wrestlers follow Arquette up. Jarrett hangs dangerously close to the edge. Both DDP and Jarrett miss guitar shots, then DDP hands one to Arquette. He shuts the door in Jarrett's face. Double down, both make the climb, Arquette is waiting to whack Jarrett and give DDP the title...

...but, of course, he hits DDP instead, because it's Vince Russo! Schiavone calls it the "ultimate swerve". Jarrett wins. Ugh.

Mike Awesome is still up there, setting up DDP for the Awesome Bomb. Kanyon comes in to make the save, and Awesome tosses him off the cage. Bear in mind, of course, that this match took place in the Kemper Arena, and just short of a year ago, this same crowd in this same building had likely seen Owen Hart fall to his death. Eric Bischoff, to this day, still defends this spot, and I have no idea why. Awesome goes up to join Jarrett, the three making up the new dickhole squad in WCW.

The biggest takeaway from this match, for me? It's the fact that at no point in this build did David Arquette have to become the World Champion. It's simple. Arquette comes in, pals around with his co-star DDP. Keep the Bischoff match because that's fine I guess, despite the match itself sucking. DDP wins the belt off Jarrett. Have some more friendship while keeping Arquette out of the ring. Triple cage match is just DDP vs. Jarrett. Arquette climbs the cage, looks like he's about to help DDP, but screws him. You can hit all the same story beats without making fucking Dewey hold what is supposedly the most prestigious belt in wrestling. Still wouldn't make it anywhere near decent, but at least it would be less dumb.

 

[Deadd2009]

This match was so bad, it ruined the appeal of the triple cage which led to one of the worst War Games matches on Nitro a few months later.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #304
Chelsea Green vs. Xia Li
WWE NXT - May 6, 2020​

Did you hear? WWE released a few people! Admittedly people who weren't being used, but it's sad to see people lose their jobs. It does give me material for this thread, though. Except for Xia Li. It seems that Xia Li hasn't had any matches that have been recognised as "bad". I even googled Xia Li and "bad match" to find something. This was the closest I could get, with some blogger mentioning this as a WMotY contender for 2020.. A nothing match on early pandemic NXT featuring Chelsea Green in her Robert Stone Brand era. You know, comedy that isn't that funny. Let's see where it goes.

Xia's entire presentation is seemingly designed to scream "SHE'S CHINESE!!" The red everywhere, the shoulder pads, the fan... they never developed her beyond that. Except for the Tian Sha thing, but that was kind of stereotypical too. Green tosses her entrance gear at Xia and stomps away at her. Both women miss a stomp in the corner. Xia Li hits a pretty sick armdrag, and keeps downing Chelsea with strikes. Aliyah comes out, and grabs Xia's leg, but it doesn't affect her much. Xia wipes out Aliyah when she tries to interfere again, but this lets Chelsea get the I'm Prettier and the win. Well, sorta. It's rather awkward, with Xia falling late. The camera cuts are very much designed to disguise this fact.

Way too short and had a slightly botched finish, but doesn't deserve to be talked about in the same breath as the bad matches on most of this list.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #305
Xia Li/Boa vs. Mercedes Martinez/Jake Atlas
WWE NXT - June 29, 2021​

That's where I'd leave it with Xia Li, except @Y2Jayne informed me that, apparently, the match where Xia legit knocked out Mercedes Martinez was pretty bad. It's sitting on a 4.43 on Cagematch, so will absolutely be on the upper end of this thread, but I might as well watch it at this point. In the mega-late Black and Gold era, this match took place. And was part of the Tian Sha thing. Remember Tian Sha? When Xia and Boa summoned a demon that eventually turned out to be Wendy Choo? Dark, dark times. Also, Jake Atlas is in this match. Dark, dark, DARK times.

I will say, though I'm put off by the "THEY'RE CHINESE!!!!" presentation, it's still better than the Good Wrestler Guy and Gal they're facing. Start off with a big old brawl until we're left with Atlas and Boa. Atlas hit a really impressive looking springboard armdrag and a kick for two. Women tag in. Xia immediately starts by kicking Martinez down. Martinez doesn't seem to respond much to Xia's corner stomps. She blocks Xia's attempt at a suplex and rolls her up for two. There's a back body drop that looks sloppy, I think it's because Xia doesn't get enough elevation, so she just falls around Martinez's shoulder. Martinez shouts something at Mei Ying on her throne as we go to an ad break.

As we return, Boa's in control. Would have been nice to see the spots that led up to it in real time. But no, we get replays of a palm strike by Boa (that camera misses) and a step-up forearm by Xia to Atlas. Atlas manages to back drop Boa over the ropes, and the women tag in again. Martinez comes in with forearms and a high knee, but misses a splash. Xia gets caught charging into the corner, which isn't too clean. Top rope butterfly suplex by Martinez gets two until Boa pulls her away. Boa goes for an attack that misses the lightly-jogging Martinez, Atlas comes in with a forearm, and the faces do a back suplex/elbow drop combo.

Big backfist by Martinez to Xia, but Mei Ying gets off her throne, which distracts Martinez. Xia gets a hit from behind and now her control begins. She gets a fallaway slam, and a roundhouse kick... that takes Martinez out cold. I'm sure falling forehead-first on to the mat didn't help, either. Xia goes for the pin, ref declares a kick-out even though Martinez couldn't kick out, then calls the match off. I think this was the result that was meant to happen, but still, not a nice way to end it.

Generally inoffensive match with some awkward moments and a pretty nasty finish.