Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

Entry #316
Hollywood Hogan vs. Roddy Piper
WCW Starrcade - December 29, 1996​

"Sky, don't you ever get tired of bashing Hulk Hogan matches?" No. Shut up.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #317
Hollywood Hogan (c) vs. Roddy Piper
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW SuperBrawl VII - February 23, 1997​

After that surprisingly non-awful Hogan/Piper affair, we go to the Cow Palace in San Francisco. And since it's in San Francisco, we get shots of Alcatraz, where Piper locked himself to prepare for this match! It takes me back to Bodyguards vs. Bandits. Except that show wasn't even in San Francisco, it was in Texas like all of that company's shows. Anyway, Piper's won in a non-title match, so he gets a title match. (Somewhere, Vince McMahon watches and realises what he's going to do from 2020 to 2022.) This one was received less well than Starrcade, getting a star and a quarter from Dave and 2.08/10 on Cagematch at the moment. Let's see if it earns its stripes as a bad match.

Champ out first, and Heenan claims that Hogan insisted on it because he wanted to show off more. Tracks. Piper looks even more unhinged than usual. Hogan's being a coward again, but acting like Piper is the pussy for staying in the ring. The bell rings before Hogan's even in the ring, just walking away again. Piper charges him, smashes him on the outside, and walk-and-brawls him to the ring. Piper hits a nut shot in full view of the ref, and Hogan refuses to beat my "only sells if it's an illegal move" allegations. Piper's choking Hogan with his shirt. Then more Standard WCW Walking and Brawling on the outside. Piper hits Hogan over the head with a chair. No DQs. Nothing like that.

Piper no-sells an uppercut to the meat and two haggises (interesting) before hooking Hogan's nose. Vincent and VK Wallstreet (only need Scott Norton to complete the original nWo jobber trifecta) show up and get nailed by Piper. Hogan sells Piper's eye poke more than his punch. Remember what I said? Somehow Piper's underselling even more than Hogan, ignoring an attack to the ankle. He then crotches Hogan on the rope. Out come babyfaces Randy Savage and Sting. Actually, I can't tell whether that's the real or fake Sting. His face doesn't look like the real Sting, but then that guy sometimes looked weird in WCW. ANYWAY...

The two actual competitors are brawling, with Savage at ringside. "We want Sting" chants. Hogan gets a two-count. He rams Piper's back into the ring post, then whacks the surgically repaired leg against it. They're eventually brawling on their knees, but again, Hogan doesn't sell unless Piper's got his thumbs in the eyes. Hogan wraps on a bear hug, because it's the 1970s! Piper droops eventually, Hogan goes for the pin, but Piper gets a shoulder up. He won't stay down, and eventually breaks the hold with ear claps. Hogan misses the leg drop (which he does almost like he's hitting a running senton). Piper counters a slam into the sleeper! And Hogan is out cold! New champ!

...or, so we think, as while Piper's celebrating, Savage drags Hogan's feet under the ropes. The ref turns around and assumes that this was a rope break that he missed, and restarts the match. Except it wasn't a rope brea, and Hogan visibly lost completely clean to Piper. So, this was either:

1. A Dusty finish attempt that was completely botched because Savage forgot to put Hogan's foot under the rope, OR
2. WCW trying to tell us that the referee is both blind AND a complete fucking idiot!

Neither is desirable, because it just exposes the business. And not in a Jim Cornette hating the Young Bucks way, but in a "this is stupid, I'm not going to bother watching" way. Anyway, Savage hands Hogan brass knucks, Hogan knocks Piper out, and he's still the WCW champion. Savage joins the nWo squad murdering Piper. Shit.

I don't know if it's because I watched Starrcade before this one, but seeing this just exposes the flaws of the average Hogan/Piper match. In that, both competitors are only in it for themselves, so you have to make bullshit finishes to please everyone. Also, they aren't interested in making anyone else look good. And they're too old for this. I did not like this match.

 

[Dubb]

Entry #316
Hollywood Hogan vs. Roddy Piper
WCW Starrcade - December 29, 1996​

"Sky, don't you ever get tired of bashing Hulk Hogan matches?" No. Shut up.

I do know that he's the most covered wrestler in this thread by some distance, and this can only extend that lead. But really, a Hogan match - and a WCW Hogan match in particular - can only be fruitful material for a compiler of shit wrestling. Nothing else offers that exact mix of immobility and self-indulgent nonsense that a WCW Hogan match does. This time, I've decided to take a trip through his WCW matches with Roddy Piper. Particularly because it takes us through one of our last remaining WON Worst Matches of the Year, but also just to see if Hogan and artificial-hip Piper got better or worse at doing this match over time.

This, for the record, got a star and a half from Dave, but we've established he rates WCW main event nonsense WAY too high. Let's see just how way too high. (Also: note the lack of a championship there. Despite Hogan being the WCW World Heavyweight Champion, this match is non-title.)

First, I'm here to express my love for the WCW blue mat with yellow logo. Lovely touch. Michael Buffer says this has been called the match of the decade... unfortunately, that decade was the 1980s. Hogan's accompanied by the somewhat unusual trio of Trillionaire Ted, Vincent, and Elizabeth. Piper just looks tired. At least this is over with the crowd. Hogan immediately starts stalling, going to the outside. "I'm gonna beat him in the middle of the ring", he says, while being a coward. He continues trash talking into the initial lock-up. After a few more cornered exchanges, Piper gets a few tough rights and forces Hogan to the outside again. He stops the ref from making a count-out by... setting him on the turnbuckle? I'm not inside the mind of Roddy Piper, I guess.

Back in the ring, Hogan gets an eye rake and uses that to get the edge. Piper's on the ropes, but comes back with some pure brawling. This entire thing is just brawling, though I'm not sure I was to see Hogan trying matwork at this stage of his career. Piper hits a clothesline but Hogan stays on his feet. The thing Hogan sells most is an eye poke. What did I say before about him never selling anything except illegal moves? Piper does manage to clothesline Hogan down, and he's on the outside again.

Long staredown, feeling-out, and Piper slaps on a side headlock. If I told you this was a side headlock that lasted a full minute plus, you'd assume it was a rest hold. But no - this is Piper keeping that hold locked on as Hogan tries everything to toss him off. Including, at one point, hitting a back suplex, which I didn't know Hogan could do. Finally he manages it with charges against the ropes, and now sends Piper to the outside. They walk-and-brawl around for a bit, then back in the ring Piper ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. A kick to the back sends Hogan to the outside. Now at last Piper follows him and walk-and-brawls him up the aisle. Piper whips Hogan with his kilt belt, in-ring, in full view of the ref, then chokes him. No DQ. It's one of those WCW main events.

Piper seems to be setting up for a drop of some sort, but he bounces off the rope and DiBiase on the outside grabs his leg. Piper goes to challenge DiBiase but Hogan takes advantage. We now enter that part of a WCW Hogan main event: the walking and brawling on the outside, against steps and guardrails and all. Hogan briefly punches Piper into the crowd. Back in the ring, Hogan's targeting the hip replacement surgery scar, which raises the question of how the fuck Piper was cleared with an artificial hip. Bit of an abdominal stretch until Piper manages to tip Hogan over. Piper's trying to run the ropes, DiBiase grabs the legs, and then there's this weird spot where both men fall over holding on to each other. Whatever it is, it gets Piper on top for a bit.

Inside cradle by Piper gets two. Somehow that's the first pin attempt. Back to brawling, with casual hair pulling and eye raking. Vertical suplex by Piper, which the announcers treat like he gave that move to someone twice the size of Andre the Giant. Piper misses a knee drop, so Hogan tries for his leg drop and misses. Piper kicks away at those calves until Hogan begs for mercy... and distracts the ref so the Giant can hit a chokeslam. A fan tries to rush the ring, and is shut down by Hogan and the ref. In all this time Giant can't hit the chokeslam, because Piper bit his nose. Piper gets the sleeper hold... arm drop routine... and Hogan doesn't answer! The ref does a double take when he realises someone actually beat Hogan in the middle of the ring.

Big celebration... pyro.... but no title change. Because, of course, Hogan couldn't possibly lose the title! Not to anyone! Nash and Hall try to interfere and get beaten up, while the Giant argues with his stablemates and considers committing what I think is the fourth of his 25 million turns.

You know what? Not as bad as I thought it would be. Still a bit brawly and overbooked, though. I get the feeling it only goes down from here.

Imagine booking your biggest PPV of the year to be headlined by a non-title match. I remember watching this as a kid and I believe they tried to not put a lot of emphasis on it being non-title because I distinctly remember being excited that Piper had beat Hogan for the title only to find out after the fact that it was a non title match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #318
Hollywood Hogan vs. Roddy Piper
Steel Cage Match
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 26, 1997​

And now we get to the reason why I'm looking at Hogan/Piper do the thing again and again! Age in the Cage! The match of theirs that earned a WON Worst Match of the Year award. And, as it turns out, probably the last WON Worst of the Year for a long, long while. Because I'm not sure if it's still too soon to start ripping on Bray Wyatt matches. And he's been involved in four Worst Matches of the Year, through no fault of his own probably. So, the end of an era I guess, as we look at yet another Hogan/Piper match. Non-title, by the way. Again. Despite the fact that this was always billed as being for the strap.

And it's funny I mentioned Jim Cornette in the last post, as he's relevant here. In one of his best million-words-a-minute shoot promos (something he did a lot in 1997), he ripped pretty damn hard into this match.



Though I'm not sure where he gets off calling Halloween Havoc 1997 one of WCW's best cards. Sure, it had that AWESOME Eddie vs. Rey match, Savage vs. DDP in a "Las Vegas Sudden Death Match" (Last Man Standing) was great, and it also had Ultimo Dragon vs. Nagata! But on the other hand, it had the snoozefest of Lex Luger vs. Scott Hall, and it also had a guaranteed future entry in Jacqueline vs. Disco Inferno. A very mixed bag, in other words. But I'm rambling. It's because I really don't want to watch this! Let's endure it.

The nWo music plays as the cage is being lowered, which had me thinking whether WCW really put a piece of ring furniture into the nWo. Piper comes out with the stolen Big Gold Belt, and I don't remember why, but I bet it's something WCW-tier silly. He's also got an "ICON" shirt, which stands for "I Cower Over Nothing". Which means he's either very brave or very stupid. Given it's Piper, definitely both. Hogan, by contrast, cowers over a lot of things, such as getting in the ring with Piper. He tries to scale the cage, but Piper whips Hogan with his belt... then BITES HIM ON THE ASS. And then, when Hogan's down, Piper bites him on a bunch of other places too. This Is Wrestling clap clap clapclapclap

Back in the ring, Hogan's begging for mercy, but Piper goes for a Greco-Roman eye poke, and then an atomic drop to target the injured anus. Piper's smacking and kicking away, while Schiavone on commentary emphasises that there;s no ref on the inside. Hogan tries to climb the cage but Piper nails a nutshot. They fight to smash each other's faces into the cage, and Hogan achieves it. Then the funniest, dumbest thing ever happens:

• Hogan is at the cage door
• Schiavone: "If he can get out, it's going to be over"
• Both men get out
• Nothing happens, no draw declared or anything, no instant replay, the match continues.

WCW, everyone. Schiavone tries to cover it by saying the match continues because both men are out at the same time. Hogan uses the flimsy-looking cage door as a weapon. Meanwhile, a possibly-drunk fan at ringside remarks of Piper: "He's Irish". They say WCW treats its fans like idiots... but maybe it's just that they were idiots.

Piper's crotched on the guardrail, and Hogan fucks off, and he's met by STING. Is that Sting? Is that the fake Sting? It's never made clear. Piper uses the opportunity to drag Hogan back into the cage. The ref outside makes super sure to lock the cage, and keep it locked this time. Hogan stumbles to the outside, and he still wants out. On the outside, they're brawling, and both try to climb the cage. A cage which is very unstable. What happens if they fall? It's not like regular cages, where it's near the ring... but it's not like Hell in a Cell, where it's reinforced to some extent. Any wrong move and either Hogan or Piper is making a geriatric splatter on concrete.

Out comes a SECOND STING. I've got to say, this one looks a little more like the real Sting. The two competitors change their mind and start to climb down again. Hogan starts whipping away at Piper with his belt, then uses that long-leg boot choke that a lot of women used to do. I always think of Gail Kim doing it, because she's awesome. Hogan's no Gail Kim. He starts to scale the cage, but is stalled when one of the Stings threatens him. Both are on top of the cage now. Why? It's not clear. Climbing over the cage isn't a win, using the door isn't a win. ANOTHER STING shows up. And ANOTHER from the crowd. We're up to five Stings. Hogan chokes Piper over the cage. It's still frighteningly wobbly. Commentary loses count of Stings.

We're finally back in the ring. Hogan gets choked with the shirt but hits Piper with the Big Gold. "You're a victim now", says Hogan, as he bashes the back of Piper's head into the mat. Two leg drops in a row, Hogan calls the ref in... PIPER KICKS OUT! OF TWO LEG DROPS! And the crowd could not give less of a shit, somehow! Randy Savage runs right past two of the Stings (i guess those were fake Stings) and climbs the cage to take a flying leap at Piper. Good news: at least he hits the mat. Bad news: that's all he hits, and not Hogan, as he was meant to. Hogan sells anyway, so Piper slaps on the sleeper. And once again, beats Hogan legit! A third time!

Let me just go over that thought. There is someone on your roster who, as you have established, has your champion's number. He has defeated your champion clean, THREE TIMES, in pay-per-view main events. And yet, he does not have the title. This is why WWF won, because WCW was too dumb for words.

And of course it's not over, because you have to overbook, even when the match is finished! Bischoff comes in to help Hogan recover, then Hogan punches one of the Stings, whose mask flies right off. Piper is handcuffed to the cage, "We want Sting" chants. At some point during this brouhaha Hogan has bladed. He takes the fake Sting's mask and beats Piper with the belt. A planted "fan" in a Sting mask jumps the cage. The first fake Sting and Hogan jump and attack the fan. They still want Sting. Sting is not forthcoming.

Sometimes a match is remembered as an all-time stinker not for the bad in-ring work (though this certainly wasn't spectacular). It's because it was a stupid idea, stupidly executed. Unclear rules, that nonsense with the multiple Stings that DOESN'T PLAY INTO THE RESULT, Piper winning yet again and yet it being non-title, and then him being an afterthought. I can't with this fucking company. I just can't.

 

[Comrade Khan]

Shame Cornette is such a wet turd because that was a fun promo

 

[Chris]

Shame Cornette is such a wet turd because that was a fun promo

His 90s promos were something else, especially when he was frustrated with the WWF lmao

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #319
Hollywood Hogan/Kevin Nash vs. Roddy Piper/The Giant
Baseball Bat on a Pole
WCW Spring Stampede - April 19, 1998​

Of course, it wasn't over, as Hogan and Piper would continue to clash on PPV. This was part of the nWo's gradual implosion into Hollywood and Wolfpac sides. Hogan wasn't happy with Savage, Nash was, can they coexist? Probably not. This is also a pre-Russo on-a-pole match, because the world is full of surprises.

nWo out separately, and Nash has already taken to red and black. Voodoo Chile is very sloppily edited out. I'm disappointed that they just use the nWo theme for this dub, too, rather than the cool Hogan dub theme they use some of the time.



By contrast, Piper and the Giant are a united front. Hogan is once again on the outside, scared of Piper. He's happy to argue with the Giant though. Piper goes right for the bat so Hogan attacks him from behind, smacking him face-first into the pole. Piper's now in a tree of woe, but drags himself up, until he;s attacked and dragged down by Nash. Piper dances about when he's hit, no-selling. Hogan isn't selling either, until Giant hits him with a headbutt. Piper starts trying to rip out Hogan's hair, and the faces hit Hogan's baldness with a series of headbutts. Naturally, Hogan gets up before Piper, and begins the belt whipping and choking. The ref makes a five-count. Why that, but not a DQ for using the belt itself?

Hogan goes for the bat, but Piper tags in Giant, who whips Hogan on the ass. Is his rear a weak point or something? Giant thinks so, as he smacks Hogan over his knee! Nash is in, Piper attacks him too. Even the ref is being cleared out. Piper whips Hogan with his belt again, for two, but Hogan punches him square in the nuts. One thing I don't understand: if it's no DQ, and pinfalls are legal, why are you bothering going for the bat on the pole? It's not particularly deadly. Nash is in, who asks Piper to tag the Giant. Crowd is hot for a bit of big-on-big action. I miss this Paul Wight, when he gave a shit.

Giant rampages until Nash gets the boot up. He starts charging in the corner, then does that long leg boot choke. Piper accidentally distracts the ref so Hogan can choke Giant from behind (out of Nash's sight, notably). Double big boot, and it's an 800-pound double down. Hot tags, eventually, to Piper and Hogan, and they're brawling, and not selling, until Piper hits an uppercut that isn't very upper. Nash isn't helping Hogan with his corner chokes as "Hogan sucks" chants ring out. Piper recovers and does some mounted punches (that visibly miss). Finally Nash intervenes but Piper donkey kicks him in the sack.

Structure breaks down. Giant hits a dropkick on Nash, and Piper locks the sleeper on Hogan, forcing a rope break. Giant boosts Piper up to get the bat, but Hogan rips it off him and throws it away. Double boot choke (why is the ref administering a count when it's no DQ anyway?). The Disciple comes out (of course, I knew Ed Leslie would show up in one of these) with a second bat for Hogan. He whacks Giant with it, then Nash holds Piper so Hogan can hit Piper. But of course he hits Nash by mistake because it's That Spot. Piper swings away at both nWo members, is about to nail Hogan, but the Disciple passes the original bat to Hogan so he can hit Piper with it for the rather lame three. Post-match Hogan attacks Nash, the Giant attacks Hogan, nWo civil war baby.

The incredible thing was that it didn't suck as much cock as it could have. No idea why Hogan's team won though. Guess Hogan has to look strong somehow.

 

[Chris]

This is honestly making me want to rewatch all of WCW

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #320
Hollywood Hogan (c) vs. Roddy Piper
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Monday Nitro - February 15, 1999​

There was one more singles match between Hogan and Piper on WCW... and it was on a random Nitro. Let's try to make sense of this. The nWo Elite are coming in, Hogan's in a balaclava despite it clearly being Hogan and holding the title. Apparently they were all raiding Ric Flair's limo earlier, which still doesn't explain why Hogan's still wearing that thing. He promos about the nWo partying together, then challenges Ric Flair to a match right now. He doesn't make it after a count of ten... but Piper does. Piper, who right now is US Champion. Words continue to fail me. As Commissioner (apparently??) he creates a match with Hogan for Big Gold.

Piper does his typical brawl with street clothes Hogan, with added biting. He does what I think??? is meant to be a headscissors? Piper sends Hogan out. Typical WCW brawling of course, with bashing faces on the steps. Piper gets in an eye poke, which Hogan, as always, oversells to make up for his lack of selling any damn thing else. Atomic drop to Hogan's weak point (rear end), ear clap, I've seen this before. Right hand by Piper for two. Hogan manages to smack Piper's leg against the ring apron, then chokes Piper with his own shirt. Out comes a chair, and yet no DQ. An exchange of eye rakes, and Hogan whips and chokes away with that weight belt. Piper does that weird dancing non-sell. Boot choke by Hogan. Piper gets the belt and starts smacking Hogan, sleeper, but Scott Hall disables Piper with a stun gun for the DQ.

Well, that was pointless! Like the SuperBrawl match but shorter.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #318
Hollywood Hogan vs. Roddy Piper
Steel Cage Match
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 26, 1997​

And now we get to the reason why I'm looking at Hogan/Piper do the thing again and again! Age in the Cage! The match of theirs that earned a WON Worst Match of the Year award. And, as it turns out, probably the last WON Worst of the Year for a long, long while. Because I'm not sure if it's still too soon to start ripping on Bray Wyatt matches. And he's been involved in four Worst Matches of the Year, through no fault of his own probably. So, the end of an era I guess, as we look at yet another Hogan/Piper match. Non-title, by the way. Again. Despite the fact that this was always billed as being for the strap.

And it's funny I mentioned Jim Cornette in the last post, as he's relevant here. In one of his best million-words-a-minute shoot promos (something he did a lot in 1997), he ripped pretty damn hard into this match.



Though I'm not sure where he gets off calling Halloween Havoc 1997 one of WCW's best cards. Sure, it had that AWESOME Eddie vs. Rey match, Savage vs. DDP in a "Las Vegas Sudden Death Match" (Last Man Standing) was great, and it also had Ultimo Dragon vs. Nagata! But on the other hand, it had the snoozefest of Lex Luger vs. Scott Hall, and it also had a guaranteed future entry in Jacqueline vs. Disco Inferno. A very mixed bag, in other words. But I'm rambling. It's because I really don't want to watch this! Let's endure it.

The nWo music plays as the cage is being lowered, which had me thinking whether WCW really put a piece of ring furniture into the nWo. Piper comes out with the stolen Big Gold Belt, and I don't remember why, but I bet it's something WCW-tier silly. He's also got an "ICON" shirt, which stands for "I Cower Over Nothing". Which means he's either very brave or very stupid. Given it's Piper, definitely both. Hogan, by contrast, cowers over a lot of things, such as getting in the ring with Piper. He tries to scale the cage, but Piper whips Hogan with his belt... then BITES HIM ON THE ASS. And then, when Hogan's down, Piper bites him on a bunch of other places too. This Is Wrestling clap clap clapclapclap

Back in the ring, Hogan's begging for mercy, but Piper goes for a Greco-Roman eye poke, and then an atomic drop to target the injured anus. Piper's smacking and kicking away, while Schiavone on commentary emphasises that there;s no ref on the inside. Hogan tries to climb the cage but Piper nails a nutshot. They fight to smash each other's faces into the cage, and Hogan achieves it. Then the funniest, dumbest thing ever happens:

• Hogan is at the cage door
• Schiavone: "If he can get out, it's going to be over"
• Both men get out
• Nothing happens, no draw declared or anything, no instant replay, the match continues.

WCW, everyone. Schiavone tries to cover it by saying the match continues because both men are out at the same time. Hogan uses the flimsy-looking cage door as a weapon. Meanwhile, a possibly-drunk fan at ringside remarks of Piper: "He's Irish". They say WCW treats its fans like idiots... but maybe it's just that they were idiots.

Piper's crotched on the guardrail, and Hogan fucks off, and he's met by STING. Is that Sting? Is that the fake Sting? It's never made clear. Piper uses the opportunity to drag Hogan back into the cage. The ref outside makes super sure to lock the cage, and keep it locked this time. Hogan stumbles to the outside, and he still wants out. On the outside, they're brawling, and both try to climb the cage. A cage which is very unstable. What happens if they fall? It's not like regular cages, where it's near the ring... but it's not like Hell in a Cell, where it's reinforced to some extent. Any wrong move and either Hogan or Piper is making a geriatric splatter on concrete.

Out comes a SECOND STING. I've got to say, this one looks a little more like the real Sting. The two competitors change their mind and start to climb down again. Hogan starts whipping away at Piper with his belt, then uses that long-leg boot choke that a lot of women used to do. I always think of Gail Kim doing it, because she's awesome. Hogan's no Gail Kim. He starts to scale the cage, but is stalled when one of the Stings threatens him. Both are on top of the cage now. Why? It's not clear. Climbing over the cage isn't a win, using the door isn't a win. ANOTHER STING shows up. And ANOTHER from the crowd. We're up to five Stings. Hogan chokes Piper over the cage. It's still frighteningly wobbly. Commentary loses count of Stings.

We're finally back in the ring. Hogan gets choked with the shirt but hits Piper with the Big Gold. "You're a victim now", says Hogan, as he bashes the back of Piper's head into the mat. Two leg drops in a row, Hogan calls the ref in... PIPER KICKS OUT! OF TWO LEG DROPS! And the crowd could not give less of a shit, somehow! Randy Savage runs right past two of the Stings (i guess those were fake Stings) and climbs the cage to take a flying leap at Piper. Good news: at least he hits the mat. Bad news: that's all he hits, and not Hogan, as he was meant to. Hogan sells anyway, so Piper slaps on the sleeper. And once again, beats Hogan legit! A third time!

Let me just go over that thought. There is someone on your roster who, as you have established, has your champion's number. He has defeated your champion clean, THREE TIMES, in pay-per-view main events. And yet, he does not have the title. This is why WWF won, because WCW was too dumb for words.

And of course it's not over, because you have to overbook, even when the match is finished! Bischoff comes in to help Hogan recover, then Hogan punches one of the Stings, whose mask flies right off. Piper is handcuffed to the cage, "We want Sting" chants. At some point during this brouhaha Hogan has bladed. He takes the fake Sting's mask and beats Piper with the belt. A planted "fan" in a Sting mask jumps the cage. The first fake Sting and Hogan jump and attack the fan. They still want Sting. Sting is not forthcoming.

Sometimes a match is remembered as an all-time stinker not for the bad in-ring work (though this certainly wasn't spectacular). It's because it was a stupid idea, stupidly executed. Unclear rules, that nonsense with the multiple Stings that DOESN'T PLAY INTO THE RESULT, Piper winning yet again and yet it being non-title, and then him being an afterthought. I can't with this fucking company. I just can't.

Ah yes. Savage wrecks his knee with this match and arguably ruins his career (even more).

 

[Dubb]

Entry #318
Hollywood Hogan vs. Roddy Piper
Steel Cage Match
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 26, 1997​

And now we get to the reason why I'm looking at Hogan/Piper do the thing again and again! Age in the Cage! The match of theirs that earned a WON Worst Match of the Year award. And, as it turns out, probably the last WON Worst of the Year for a long, long while. Because I'm not sure if it's still too soon to start ripping on Bray Wyatt matches. And he's been involved in four Worst Matches of the Year, through no fault of his own probably. So, the end of an era I guess, as we look at yet another Hogan/Piper match. Non-title, by the way. Again. Despite the fact that this was always billed as being for the strap.

And it's funny I mentioned Jim Cornette in the last post, as he's relevant here. In one of his best million-words-a-minute shoot promos (something he did a lot in 1997), he ripped pretty damn hard into this match.



Though I'm not sure where he gets off calling Halloween Havoc 1997 one of WCW's best cards. Sure, it had that AWESOME Eddie vs. Rey match, Savage vs. DDP in a "Las Vegas Sudden Death Match" (Last Man Standing) was great, and it also had Ultimo Dragon vs. Nagata! But on the other hand, it had the snoozefest of Lex Luger vs. Scott Hall, and it also had a guaranteed future entry in Jacqueline vs. Disco Inferno. A very mixed bag, in other words. But I'm rambling. It's because I really don't want to watch this! Let's endure it.

The nWo music plays as the cage is being lowered, which had me thinking whether WCW really put a piece of ring furniture into the nWo. Piper comes out with the stolen Big Gold Belt, and I don't remember why, but I bet it's something WCW-tier silly. He's also got an "ICON" shirt, which stands for "I Cower Over Nothing". Which means he's either very brave or very stupid. Given it's Piper, definitely both. Hogan, by contrast, cowers over a lot of things, such as getting in the ring with Piper. He tries to scale the cage, but Piper whips Hogan with his belt... then BITES HIM ON THE ASS. And then, when Hogan's down, Piper bites him on a bunch of other places too. This Is Wrestling clap clap clapclapclap

Back in the ring, Hogan's begging for mercy, but Piper goes for a Greco-Roman eye poke, and then an atomic drop to target the injured anus. Piper's smacking and kicking away, while Schiavone on commentary emphasises that there;s no ref on the inside. Hogan tries to climb the cage but Piper nails a nutshot. They fight to smash each other's faces into the cage, and Hogan achieves it. Then the funniest, dumbest thing ever happens:

• Hogan is at the cage door
• Schiavone: "If he can get out, it's going to be over"
• Both men get out
• Nothing happens, no draw declared or anything, no instant replay, the match continues.

WCW, everyone. Schiavone tries to cover it by saying the match continues because both men are out at the same time. Hogan uses the flimsy-looking cage door as a weapon. Meanwhile, a possibly-drunk fan at ringside remarks of Piper: "He's Irish". They say WCW treats its fans like idiots... but maybe it's just that they were idiots.

Piper's crotched on the guardrail, and Hogan fucks off, and he's met by STING. Is that Sting? Is that the fake Sting? It's never made clear. Piper uses the opportunity to drag Hogan back into the cage. The ref outside makes super sure to lock the cage, and keep it locked this time. Hogan stumbles to the outside, and he still wants out. On the outside, they're brawling, and both try to climb the cage. A cage which is very unstable. What happens if they fall? It's not like regular cages, where it's near the ring... but it's not like Hell in a Cell, where it's reinforced to some extent. Any wrong move and either Hogan or Piper is making a geriatric splatter on concrete.

Out comes a SECOND STING. I've got to say, this one looks a little more like the real Sting. The two competitors change their mind and start to climb down again. Hogan starts whipping away at Piper with his belt, then uses that long-leg boot choke that a lot of women used to do. I always think of Gail Kim doing it, because she's awesome. Hogan's no Gail Kim. He starts to scale the cage, but is stalled when one of the Stings threatens him. Both are on top of the cage now. Why? It's not clear. Climbing over the cage isn't a win, using the door isn't a win. ANOTHER STING shows up. And ANOTHER from the crowd. We're up to five Stings. Hogan chokes Piper over the cage. It's still frighteningly wobbly. Commentary loses count of Stings.

We're finally back in the ring. Hogan gets choked with the shirt but hits Piper with the Big Gold. "You're a victim now", says Hogan, as he bashes the back of Piper's head into the mat. Two leg drops in a row, Hogan calls the ref in... PIPER KICKS OUT! OF TWO LEG DROPS! And the crowd could not give less of a shit, somehow! Randy Savage runs right past two of the Stings (i guess those were fake Stings) and climbs the cage to take a flying leap at Piper. Good news: at least he hits the mat. Bad news: that's all he hits, and not Hogan, as he was meant to. Hogan sells anyway, so Piper slaps on the sleeper. And once again, beats Hogan legit! A third time!

Let me just go over that thought. There is someone on your roster who, as you have established, has your champion's number. He has defeated your champion clean, THREE TIMES, in pay-per-view main events. And yet, he does not have the title. This is why WWF won, because WCW was too dumb for words.

And of course it's not over, because you have to overbook, even when the match is finished! Bischoff comes in to help Hogan recover, then Hogan punches one of the Stings, whose mask flies right off. Piper is handcuffed to the cage, "We want Sting" chants. At some point during this brouhaha Hogan has bladed. He takes the fake Sting's mask and beats Piper with the belt. A planted "fan" in a Sting mask jumps the cage. The first fake Sting and Hogan jump and attack the fan. They still want Sting. Sting is not forthcoming.

Sometimes a match is remembered as an all-time stinker not for the bad in-ring work (though this certainly wasn't spectacular). It's because it was a stupid idea, stupidly executed. Unclear rules, that nonsense with the multiple Stings that DOESN'T PLAY INTO THE RESULT, Piper winning yet again and yet it being non-title, and then him being an afterthought. I can't with this fucking company. I just can't.

One of the dumbest spots to ever be attempted....



That cage though...

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #321
Bret Hart vs. Will Sasso
WCW Monday Nitro - February 15, 1999​

I was going to move on to the sad little coda to the Hogan/Piper saga... but apparently this Nitro features Bret Hart vs. Will Sasso! A wrestler vs. a comedian! How can that work? Bret had clashed with the cast of MADtv a few times before, and that's what set up this match. I highly doubt it brought any viewers to WCW.

Sasso is accompanied by Debra Wilson. The sad thing is that this isn't a low for either of their careers (Wilson was in The Rapsittie Street Kids Believe In Santa along with depressingly many talented voice actors, while Sasso was the fake Curly in the Three Stooges reboot... which got him on RAW). Heenan speculates the "73" on Sasso's shirt refers to the number of double cheeseburgers he's had today. We start off with an actual TEST OF STRENGTH holy shit. Sasso gets clotheslined down, and bumps pretty decently. Sasso's laid out, so Bret drops all sorts of limbs on him before rolling him out.

Bret takes a chair into the ring, then pours water over Sasso. He starts to choke Sasso with a cable, and the ref administers a count. Finally, refs who care about the rules! Bret's about to use the chair, but Debra Wilson takes it off him. She then nails Sasso with it! Well, maybe "nails" is the wrong word. She gently rests it on Sasso. So, one of the MADtv cast has turned heel on another. Headbutt to the cock, Sharpshooter, Sasso taps. Bret and Debra Wilson are now allies, apparently. And yet, none of this was ever mentioned again. Not on WCW, or on MADtv.

What was the point of that?

 

[Comrade Khan]

One of the dumbest spots to ever be attempted....



That cage though...

Wtf yikes why

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #322
Mr. America vs. Roddy Piper
WWE Judgment Day - May 18, 2003​

And so we come to the end of this Hogan/Piper retrospective, with the end of their shared story. And it came here, where Hogan's good friend, the very unrelated Mr. America, faced Piper, who was managing Sean O'Haire. Remember, we've seen this feud before! It had that silly non-finish with Hogan vs. O'Haire! Let's see if the old masters can be any better than they were in 1996, or 1997, or 1998, or 1999...

In WWE, the tables are turned from WCW. Here, Piper's sitting outside the ring hiding from Hogan! Hogan brings out a chair... but it's for one-legged Hogan fan Zach Gowen to sit on. Piper and O'Haire double team Hogan as he's rolling in., with Piper just stomping away. He can't bash Hogan into the turnbuckle, so Hogan does the same to him. Mounted punches, then some rights from Hogan, and at least Piper's selling. He's even doing the staggering territory selling, which I love. O'Haire pulls Hogan out for a bit of tom-and-jerry but Hogan dominates him immediately and chokes him with the weight belt. A flying axe handle from Piper lets him take control. And now... the belt whipping! I've had enough of belt whipping for one lifetime.

Mr. America suddenly gets up (no-selling, truly Hogan-style) and gives some whips, but O'Haire interferes. Sleeper from Piper, and Hogan's starting to fade, arm-drop routine... and six years later he FINALLY learned how to get up from the sleeper. Now he's America-ing up! Punches, big boot (which visibly whiffs but Piper sells anyway)... no leg drop because Vince comes out! This lets Piper get an uppercut right in the Star-Spangled Banner (Taz's words not mine). Vince distracts the ref, O'Haire comes in with a pipe while Piper holds Hogan back... yep, it's That Spot! Long story short, Piper is laid out, leg drop, done.

Well, that earned a big old DUD from Dave, and I've got to say, it definitely wasn't a good match, but it's still on the upper end of matches on this accursed thread. Good news, though... we're finally done with Old Man Hogan vs. Old Man Piper. Unless Hogan learns the art of zombie resurrection to face Piper one more time for the next Saudi show.

 

[Dubb]

Unless Hogan learns the art of zombie resurrection to face Piper one more time for the next Saudi show.

Sounds like something Hogan would claim he is able to do though.

Devil's Advocate Sean O'Haire had so much potential. To be wasted on this stupid feud.