Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #236
The Fabulous Moolah (c) vs. Velvet McIntyre
for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF WrestleMania 2 - April 7, 1986​

We head now to Chicago, where the main event in theory is the WWF vs. NFL Battle Royal (oh, we'll get to that) but after that will be the best match of the night. A match featuring Brutus Beefcake. God is not here. Before then, we've got a Women's Title bout and a flag match. And since it's a Women's Title match in this era of WWF... here's Moolah! One of the genuine worst people to ever enter a wrestling ring drags her 63-year-old ass here to be the unstoppable champion. Also, commentating this leg of the show is actor with no attachment to wrestling, Cathy Lee Crosby, who is yet another name I had to look up. (If she were actually good at this, that would be incredible!)

Velvet McIntyre was born in Ireland and is still billed from there, which means sorry Becky, there goes one of your firsts. Moolah comes right out of the gate with a punch and a series of hairmares. A punch to the throat downs Velvet (was Moolah attempting a lariat there?) She misses an actual lariat, Velvet leapfrogs her, and hits a pair of one-footed dropkicks (so Drew wasn't the first McIntyre to do a Claymore). Velvet slams Moolah, goes up top and misses a splash, and Moolah pins her for the three. Despite the fact that Velvet's foot was on the rope for the entirety of the pin, and the ref definitely saw this. The announcers didn't, though.

What the hell was that? Apparently during the match, Velvet's bra strap broke and so they took it home early, to make sure that we'd have to wait another 13 years to see bare breasts on a WWF PPV. Doesn't excuse the stupid finish where everyone but the people who mattered acknowledged the foot on the rope.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #237
Corporal Kirchner vs. Nikolai Volkoff
Flag Match
WWF WrestleMania 2 - April 7, 1986​

Remember Corporal Kirchner? He gave the world a view into what it would be like if Sgt. Slaughter had no charisma. He's not, at this stage in his career, in Japan doing deathmatches, so he's not worth watching. This will be a flag match, but not as we know it. No flags being pulled down, just a regular match, and the winner's flag will be raised. Let's give it a go...

Volkoff treats us to an incredibly tuneless rendition of the Soviet anthem. He starts off with a spin kick and knee, tossing Kirchner out. On the outside, he bites Kirchner and pushes him into the ring post. Freddie Blassie's taunting him. Kirchner is already bleeding, because why not? Blading in a 2-minute match. He recovers with some rights, and accidentally bumps the referee. Blassie tries to toss Volkoff the cane, but Kirchner uses it on Volkoff for the pin and win. Kirchner holds up the Stars and Stripes, which he was doing anyway during his entrance.

Why, of course this match needed a blade job and a ref bump, despite lasting less time than it takes to eat a sandwich! Why do you ask?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #238
The WWF vs. NFL Battle Royal
WWF WrestleMania 2 - April 7, 1986​

Just as in the New York match, the Chicago match's main draw is a gimmick! An over-the-top-rope battle royal featuring 14 WWF wrestlers and 6 NFL players past and present. Not sure how handegg translates to wrestling. Maybe ask Mongo... oh wait, he sucked, so he wouldn't know either. Special referees are two NFL guys, and the timekeeper for this match is the "Where's the beef" lady, because clearly one fast food fad character wasn't enough. Our participants, first on the WWF side:

• Andre the Giant
• B. Brian Blair
• Big John Studd
• Bret Hart
• Bruno Sammartino
• Dan Spivey
• Hillbilly Jim
• Jim Brunzell
• Jim Neidhart
• King Tonga (Haku)
• Pedro Morales
• Ted Arcidi
• The Iron Sheik
• Tony Atlas

And representing the NFL:

• Bill Fralic
• Ernie Holmes
• Harvey Martin
• Jimbo Covert
• Russ Francis
• William "Refrigerator" Perry

All I know about that lot is that "Refrigerator Perry" would be a great name if he ever chose to go into wrestling. I also know there's also a former NFL player in the modern day called Tank Carradine. Why does such an uninteresting sport have to hog all the good names? That way we wouldn't have disasters like "Saquon Shugars". Biggest pops in the intros go to Bruno, Perry, and Andre.

I find it hard to write about battle royals (battles royal?) because they're just so chaotic. Ernie Ladd joins in on commentary for this one, what a horrible night to have ears. Haku is one of the first two eliminations, which makes me sad. Studd and Perry are clashing a bit initially, and then Andre steps in to deal with Studd. The NFL players are generally getting booted early. Perry tosses Atlas to a big old pop. Ted Arcidi is gone, and I dread having to watch Ted Arcidi's actual singles matches.

About halfway through, most of the action is a big pile-up in the corner. Bill Fralic and the Iron Sheik are out to bring us down to 7. Russ Francis tries to tackle Andre but just gets tossed around. Bruno gets eliminated by Studd. Perry gets a HUGE pop for tossing the Hart Foundation over but they skin the cat successfully. Perry/Studd staredown, Perry charges, then a second time, Studd hits a back elbow and Perry's out. Perry offers a handshake as a sign of respect, but he drags Studd over! That's a pretty fun moment.

It's now Andre and the last remaining NFL dude against the Foundation. Russ Francis is, according to Cagematch, a trained wrestler and ex-AWA star. That makes sense as to how he's made it this far. The Foundation double-teams him and sends him out. They'll have to work together to take out Andre, beating on him in the corner. They've each grabbed a leg but are kicked off. Andre's recovered, gets the boot up for Bret, clash of heads, then Neidhart gets kicked out (he sells a big boot by moving in the opposite direction to where Andre kicked him and throwing himself over). Bret goes up top but Andre tosses him out to win.

Silly match but not particularly offensive.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #239
"Adorable" Adrian Adonis vs. Uncle Elmer
WWF WrestleMania 2 - April 7, 1986​

As previously mentioned, the tag title match that closed the Chicago portion was match of the night, despite the presence of Ed Leslie. And thankfully, the Los Angeles portion got off to a relatively strong start, with Ricky Steamboat dragging a watchable match out of Hercules. Then you get this, a match lineup that probably made people make bleach cocktails just in case. The insufferable Adrian Adonis gay gimmick combined with the oversized hillbilly Uncle Elmer. This cannot be good. (Also, our unqualified guest commentary this time is Elvira!)

Elmer's music keeps on playing (if you're watching in 1986, it's Hillbilly Jim's classic theme; if you're on the Network, it's Generic Banjo #3) as he does gay taunts and chases both Adonis and Jimmy Hart out of the ring. When he returns, the match just starts without even a bell. Adonis oversells like he's Shawn Michaels in 2005, throwing himself about. Elmer hits Adonis with a right and knocks himself right on his hillbilly behind. This was a year before Raja Lion by the way. The 1980s were big times for awful wrestlers losing their balance. This is legitimately just Elmer standing there while Adonis throws himself around.

Elmer tears Adonis' dress, before going for a devastating CHEST BUMP which gets Adonis tangled in the ropes. Adonis gets one punch to the heart, takes off the dress, and starts to fight back before Elmer hits him with a corner splash. Elmer misses a leg drop and Adonis hits a diving headbutt to win. As Elmer starts to get back up Adonis floors him again.

Elmer joins that rare pool of bad wrestlers that will be swum by such greats as One Warrior Nation and the aforementioned Raja Lion. He can do less than nothing. Adonis sold his ass off for this waste of three minutes.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #240
Hulk Hogan (c) vs. King Kong Bundy
Steel Cage Match for the WWF Championship
WWF WrestleMania 2 - April 7, 1986​

It's time for our main event... the main event of the Los Angeles portion, and therefore of the show as a whole. And what a slog it promises to be as a spray-tanned banana (thanks, Epic Rap Battles of History) takes on Humpty Dumpty in a singlet, all in the classic blue cage. The ring announcer is some baseball executive, the timekeeper is a pre-NYPD Blue Ricky Schroder, and the guest referee is the original Jim West from the original Wild Wild West, Robert Conrad. That just makes me wonder what it would be like if Will Smith got involved in wrestling. All his feuds would be started by someone not keeping his wife's name out of their fucking mouth. Anyway, this match. Let's get it over with.

Hogan climbs over the cage to do his shirt-rip, which feels like showing off. He has taped ribs after an attack by Bundy in the build. They start by punching away, Hogan getting early domination. Hogan starts to choke Bundy with his own singlet, continuing his run as the most heelish babyface in history. Bundy gets an edge by, of course, targeting the ribs. And stamping on Hogan's head. Bundy goes for the door, but Hogan won't allow me the mercy of being able to stop watching. Bundy smashes Hogan back first into the cage but Hogan still hangs on.

Bundy takes off Hogan's rib tape and chokes him with it. All the while, guest commentator Elvira gets excited at more skin being shown. Not exactly the intended reaction. Bundy ties Hogan to the ropes with the tape, then goes for the door, but Hogan escapes and pulls him back. I notice Hogan is selling Bundy's offence short-term, but not long-term. Hogan rallies a bit, knocking Bundy into the cage, which he sells like it's taken both his eyes out. This lets him blade. Hogan wiggles his fist above the wound. I think it's meant to be him opening it, but it just looks bad. Hogan smashes Bundy's face into the cage wall again and again, then mounts the top rope for a rope choke with his boot.

Hogan tries to slam Bundy but Bundy falls on top of him. Bundy's stumbling to the door, but Hogan naturally recovers just in time and chokes him with the tape. Bundy goes for the eyes, then hits Hogan with a corner splash, followed by a big splash. Hogan's twitching. And then he suddenly recovers and drags Bundy back! Bundy goes for one more corner splash, but Hogan's in no-sell mode. Scoop slam to Bundy, and a leg drop. Hogan climbs the cage, Bundy tries to follow, but Hogan knocks him down. Before we know it, Hogan's over the cage wall to the floor, while Bundy's barely at the door. That's it, Hogan wins. He then gets Heenan alone in the cage, tossing him around and finishing with an atomic drop.

I really don't have any sympathy for 80s Hogan matches. No sentimental value here. All I see is Hogan not really selling for a slow giant. But I'm glad to conclude that WRESTLEMANIA 2 IS OVER! One more bad Mania out of the way. The only particularly bad Manias I can still think of are 11, 15, and 32. I'm most dreading 32, if only because the two bad matches on that show (not counting Rock/Rowan) are about an hour between them. But we soldier on.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

I think Hogan/Bundy is a perfectly fine main event and the payoff is unbelievable. I don't know how anyone can conclude the match was "bad" when the crowd fucking ate it up and loved Hogan winning. Truly the height of Hogan's popularity tbh for the next year and a half

 

[Leon TrotSky]

I think Hogan/Bundy is a perfectly fine main event and the payoff is unbelievable. I don't know how anyone can conclude the match was "bad" when the crowd fucking ate it up and loved Hogan winning. Truly the height of Hogan's popularity tbh for the next year and a half

My main problem is that Hogan doesn't really bother selling for a long period of time. It's like, 10 seconds after every move, he has to be up and ready, as if they're rushing. In a way, its fault is the structure of the WM2 show forcing four matches at each venue, no matter how much that screws their length. A Mania 2 at only one venue could have been far less bad

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #241
The Allied Powers vs. The Blu Twins
WWF WrestleMania XI - April 2, 1995​

Next up on the WrestleMania shitdown, Mania 11! This was a one-match show, and that one match was HBK/Diesel. To be fair, Jarrett/Razor and Smoking Gunns/Camp Cornette weren't terrible, and Bigelow/LT was almost not a stupid idea. But there were three other matches on this seven match show, and they weren't spectacular, shall we say. And we start with the opener. Lex Luger and the British Bulldog taking on (ugh) the Harris Brothers. I can't tell them apart. You can't tell them apart. They probably hadn't gotten the Nazi tattoos yet. I hope. Let's get through it.

The Allied Powers' theme is pretty cool, even if it is a mashup of Rule Britannia and Generic Rocky-Style Training Music #4. The Harris' try to attack first but end up getting beaten up and eating a powerslam and clothesline each. Even Vince and Lawler on commentary doesn't know. Bulldog hits his ever-cool stalling suplex, but delays the pin and so only gets two. Harris' try to double-team but Bulldog manages to clothesline them both. There's a spot where one of the Harris boys is meant to hit Bulldog from the outside while he's running the ropes, but he's clearly too late and so goes in for the attack, sees Bulldog selling and just goes back to his corner.

Now time for the twins' heat segment. During which Bulldog actually gets an inside cradle and visual pin, but the ref is distracted by Luger who's trying to stop the other brother cheating. This, naturally, lets the other brother cheat. One of them hits what I think is meant to be a sidewalk slam, but looks more like a backbreaker where he forgot to put his knee up. They hit a double big boot on Bulldog. Bulldog recovers, but the twins do twin magic while the ref isn't looking so the fresh one can come in. Elbow (armpit) drop for two. As a Harris brother hits a slam, Vince says "what a match". That should be "what is this meant to be, a match?".

Harris Brother #1 (or is that #2?) misses a top rope leg drop and Luger gets the hot tag. He starts cleaning up. I like to bash Luger, but his moveset isn't that limited. Luger hits a forearm, the other twin breaks it up, and Bulldog comes in to take him out. Luger's distracted by Uncle Zebekiah (Dutch Mantel before he went grey) so there can be another twin magic. Eventually a Harris tries to piledrive Luger, but Bulldog blind tags and sunset flips the Harris for the win.

Very generic match, didn't belong on a WM. Deducted a few points for featuring the Harris brothers.

 

[Rosie]

Fuck the Harris brothers. That is all.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #242
The Undertaker vs. King Kong Bundy
WWF WrestleMania XI - April 2, 1995​

Next up is a Taker match! Boy, the Streak did not get off to a good start. People tend to forget that it was much more bad than good until deep into the Ruthless Aggression era. This, Giant Gonzalez, Big Boss Man, that match where Sid shat himself... And this one, which featured King Kong Bundy. Boy, if you didn't like me bashing the Humpty Dumpty of wrestling in the WM2 match, you're not going to like this one, because he's nine years older.

First of all, for all you Undertaker Entrance Watchers: the length of Taker's entrance at WM11 is pretty much exactly three minutes from first gong to bell. During which Ted DiBiase fumbles and drops Taker's Power Urn. Thankfully, none of the ashes/dark magic gets out. Bundy tries to charge Taker while he's looking at Paul Bearer, but Taker dodges successfully and starts the brawling with a series of throat thrusts. He goes Old School but Bundy doesn't get off his feet until after three clotheslines. Bundy clotheslines Taker outside, but this lets him go to DiBiase and get the urn back! He unleashes some of the evil in it. Which results in... more throat thrusts.

DiBiase goes to the back and calls in Kama. God, remember Kama? The Supreme Fighting Machine who didn't do any supreme fighting? Kama steals the urn (and drops it, naturally) despite Taker's attempts to thwart him by shoving his purple-gloved fingers up Kama's nose. There's a bit of nondescript brawling (including an awful-looking clothesline by Bundy), and they rightly assume we want to watch something else. So they put up a PiP of Kama proclaiming that he'll take the urn and melt it down into a chain. Another weak clothesline by Bundy, followed by a proper one to send Taker outside.

Bundy goes for rope chokes and gently puts the boots in. He doesn't even look mobile. Scoop slam and knee drop by Bundy for two. And then we get what every match needs: a chinlock nearly two minutes long! Corner splash, but Taker no-sells it. He gets the boot up, slams Bundy, and hits a running clothesline for the win. Guess they figured Bundy would be too much dead weight to Tombstone.

A mediocre TV match, that goes to downright unacceptable by being on WrestleMania.

 

[Rosie]

Arguably the second worst Undertaker Mania match.

 

[Jacob Fox]

Arguably the second worst Undertaker Mania match.

Right after Taker and Giant Gonzales?

 

[Rosie]

Right after Taker and Giant Gonzales?

Yep.

At least this one has a clean finish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #243
Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund
I Quit Match
WWF WrestleMania XI - April 2, 1995​

And we conclude our rootle through the dregs of WM11 by taking a look at this. You'll look at that lineup and think "how could Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund in an I Quit match be bad?". Well, apparently it is! And I'm about to find out why!

Special ref for this match is Roddy Piper. Bret tries to put his sunglasses on a young fan but can't get them over his head. Bret starts strong early, knocking Bob from pillar to post, downing him, and trying the Sharpshooter, but can't get it on. While Backlund's doing a flailing sell, Piper shoves a mic in his face and shouts "WHAT DO YOU SAY" at him. Lawler challenges Vince to remember whom Bret beat to become the IC Champion at WM8 (it was Roddy Piper). Vince doesn't know. Piper's picked up the bad habit of asking Backlund if he wants to quit while he's not even in a hold. Second Sharpshooter attempt fails, but Bret puts on a Figure Four. Backlund turns it over (Piper is starting to get on my nerves) before they get to the ropes.

Bret starts working the leg. And by working, I mean sitting in a hold at length while Piper pops in to ask Backlund if he quits (he doesn't). At one point he even asks BRET if he quits, despite Bret not being in any danger at all. Backlund breaks out and soon starts working the arm. Mostly using the ropes. Piper shoves a mic in Bret's face after an Irish whip of all things. Backlund seems to be going for the crossface chickenwing but has to settle for an armbar and then a hammerlock. He keeps teasing the signature hold but never does it. At one point Bret says "hell no" into the mic, because telling Piper to go fuck himself with a cactus would be rude, and that's not babyface of him. He's audibly annoyed though. As am I.

Bret beats the hold and goes into his finish sequence: backbreaker, second rope elbow, and he's going to get on the Starpshooter but Backlund gets a rope break. We're back to where we started with Bret hammering away, but he misses a corner charge on the bad shoulder. Crossface chickenwing applies, but Bret clings on to the rope and refuses to give up. Eventually he reverses it! Backlund is in his own hold, and he says "gyaaaaaarghhh araaaaghaaaagh". I guess that means "I quit" in someone's language. Post-match Backlund says he's seen the light, and JR has the same thought I had about how he was looking at the lights earlier. Great minds, huh?

Could have been decent, had it not been for a fake Scottish man shouting in both men's faces every time the current hold changed, and sometimes even more often than that. But even on its own merits, "decent" is a letdown for these two.

 

[Chris]

I remember being so annoyed the first time I watched this match rewatches I enjoy more though