Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Bobby Barrows]

Entry #225
Bob Backlund vs. Razor Ramon
WWF WrestleMania IX - April 4, 1993​

Okay, that was a bit lame, your child self thinks, as you watch on through. They talk to Japanese photographers at ringside, which you don't know yet is sort of foreshadowing for the King of the Ring 1993 show. But this one should be good. Razor Ramon is a bad guy, but he's cool, and that means you like him. (Your gravitation towards bad guys will eventually be marked by your therapist as a sign that you were sheltered and neglected by your parents.) He's facing Bob Backlund, who apparently used to be the WWF Champion. You know, like Bret Hart now is. He must be good.

Backlund does a bit of his silly knee walk. He offers a handshake but Razor mimes his toothpick-toss. Razor's getting cheered despite being The Heel. Lock-up, and Backlund's backed into the corner. Then again. Third time, and Backlund gets the reversal. He starts leg-sweeping Razor. He's fun. Razor responds with brawling and slams. He beats down Backlund, who does some real territory selling. Backlund comes back, getting an Irish whip and hip tosses, but misses a dropkick. He does down Razor with a back elbow, though, and hits a butterfly suplex. Delayed atomic drop by Backlund, and Razor is being toyed with. He suddenly gets an inside cradle though, and pins Backlund for the three!

Somehow this was rated as the worst match on the show in terms of Meltzer stars? I find that highly unlikely. Surprisingly short, yes, but I don't see what it did to earn such a spot.

Yeah I'd I can defend this match. I think Meltzer rated it bad because it's also the *first* time Backlund had been pinned in his entire WWE career. Over the span of 15 years.

That said, I think this was a case where clashing styles just did not mesh, and Scott Hall and Bob Backlund worked together like oil and water.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #224
Crush vs. Doink the Clown
WWF WrestleMania IX - April 4, 1993​

Picture the scene. You are a child, and you have been captivated by the stars of the WWF. Your parents finally order a Pay-Per-View event. It is the ninth edition of WrestleMania, the grandest stage of them all. It's taking place from Caesar's Palace, which you don't know what that is, but it looks fancy. Bobby Heenan is on a camel. Shawn Michaels loses to Tatanka but keeps his IC Title on a technicality. The Steiner Brothers beat the Headshrinkers. All is good. Then comes one of your favourites, the Hawaiian surfer dude called Crush, battling an evil clown who kind of scares you. Who recently hit Crush with a prosthetic arm. This should surely continue the positive vibes, right?

(Fun fact, this is somehow the first appearance of the original Doink character in this thread, despite having 3 appearances of various other Doinks so far.)

Crush chases Doink around the ring and slams him on the outside. He gives Doink a bit of a beating, preventing Doink from escaping. Doink is pleading for mercy but Crush gives him none. He's pounding away in the corner. Eventually Doink pulls Crush out and tries to give offence, but it's no-sold. Crush gently pushes Doink into the ring post. He still ignores the clown's pleading and hits a neckbreaker, as well as a double stomp that visibly doesn't touch Doink's face at all. Crush hits a backbreaker and Doink tries and fails to rolls to the outside. Crush starts hitting chest clubs but Doink drops to bust Crush's face against the ropes.

Doink starts hitting left hands from the top rope. He gets a piledriver and kicks Crush out, where he bashes him shoulder-first into the ring post. Scoop slam and Doink goes for a flying nothing, letting Crush get the foot up. Doink continues the beating, then goes for a crossbody, but Crush catches him into a powerslam. Clothesline to the outside, and Doink tries to escape under the ring. Gorilla press slam by Crush, then he goes for the Kona Clutch (brain vise). Doink jerks around and that bumps the referee. This lets Doink try to roll under the ring again, but Crush stops him. Spin kick by Crush, then the Kona Clutch again, Doink tries to go for a jawbreaker...

but a second Doink emerges from under the ring with a prosthetic arm. The two Doinks beat up Crush together, then we get the iconic shot of the two Doinks doing the mirror thing. The second Doink rolls under the run while the first Doink gets the pin.

Eh. Rightly only remembered for the moment. About as rubbish as I'd expect a Crush match to be.

The original Doink gimmick was amazing. Then they made him a babyface and ruined it.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

The original Doink gimmick was amazing. Then they made him a babyface and ruined it.

The issue is they fired Matt Borne because he liked coke a bit too much.

 

[Rosie]

The issue is they fired Matt Borne because he liked coke a bit too much.

 

[Storm Trooper]

The issue is they fired Matt Borne because he liked coke a bit too much.

well yeah but at the same point Doink 2 could have been Evil Doink and maybe the gimmick would have been fine.

Instead Doink turned babyface and the character went to shit.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

I mean sure, but Ray Apollo fucking sucked. The moment Matt Borne got fired, the gimmick was doomed.

 

[Sky]

Entry #229
Lash Legend vs. Sarray
WWE 205 Live - December 17, 2021​

The next two matches you'll see fall under the category of "NXT 2.0 women's matches". The early days of NXT 2.0 were rough on the eye. An abrupt shift to PC-produced talent and harsh roster cuts meant a LOT of TV (especially the moribund 205 Live show) was filled with workers who were nowhere near ready. Like, for example, WS's Worst Woman Wrestler of the Year 2022, Lash Legend! She had her second ever career match with Sarray that made her name mud, and, if I may diverge for a second, I was dead against Sarray's "magical girl transformation sequence" thing at the time, but it could have worked. It's a cool entrance gimmick. They just had to not make her a total geek when not in the ring. Anyway, let's watch this.

Lash looks so... artificial in this one. She doesn't have the confidence. Lash breaks off a waistlock with a back elbow, shoulderblocks Sarray down... and then does something, I guess. I reckon she was torn between doing ground-and-pound and just going for a pin. Sarray bridges out and runs the ropes for a bit, transitioning into a rolling package pin for two. German suplex attempt, the taller woman throws some elbows back, it's broken up... and there's a visible jump cut. This match is edited. And yet, even what we saw is being trashed. Sarray goes for forearms until Lash converts one into a pop-up facebuster. But not really pop-up, because there's nowhere near enough height to it. Lash's elbow drop (an armpit drop, as if she were possessed by the ghost of Viscera) gets two.

Lash does a snap powerslam... after a good few seconds of setting up the spot. Sarray's crossbody is caught into a fallaway slam (but Lash doesn't really bend back, just letting Sarray flop behind her while she stands). Lash misses an elbow. There's then... another crossbody attempt? I have no idea what's going on. Lash doesn't really catch Sarray, so she's mostly upright, as if it's in a bearhug. There's a bit of rummaging, and effectively Sarray brings Lash down and makes her opponent pin her. Sarray starts going for dropkicks and forearms so all Lash has to do is sell (which at least she's not terrible at). Commentary has the gall to bring up Manami Toyota during this. Finish comes when Lash tries to get a rolling pin with a handful of tights, but Sarray reverses and gets a handful of her own for the three.

Post-match, Lash downs Sarray with a pump kick and a Reinera facebuster (why doesn't she do that anymore?). She then cuts a not very good promo as if she won (which she didn't).

This was EDITED. This was the EDITED version, and yet it still came off significantly botchy.

 

[Sky]

Entry #230
Mandy Rose vs. Nikkita Lyons
WWE NXT 2.0 - June 28, 2022​

So, this is the other match people think of when they hear "bad NXT 2.0 women's match". Unless you know any others, in which case let me know. And I'm going to prepare for hate from a certain member of this site... because I'm about to say something negative about Mandy Rose. Never bought her as a wrestler, but she was always pushed beyond her ability because Vince likes blonde models. And Nikkita Lyons isn't all that great, either! So naturally, WWE paired them together! Let's see what happened.

Lock-up, and Nikkita drags Mandy around. A waistlock looks weirdly sexual. Mandy attacks Nikkita's injured knee and goes for strikes in the corner, but Nikkita responds with a low kick with her other leg. Nikkita uses her power with repeated throws and corner splashes. When we return from break, they;re both on the mat and rolling around, pounding away at each other. During the break, Mandy smashed Nikkita's knee into the steel steps, which would have been nice to actually see on camera. Mandy continues to target the knee, seemingly going for a single leg crab attempt. Nikkita tries to fight out with strikes, and when Mandy tries strikes of her own (very Diva-esque ground and pound) Nikkita locks one arm and forces a rope break.

"You are NOBODY" says Mandy after she attacks the knee again. Nikkita fights up and hits strikes and clotheslines before a release German suplex. She then forgets she has to pin Mandy and goes to it noticeably late. Nikkita teases a superplex but gets shoved off and Mandy hits a missile dropkick. Nikkita starts to get the edge with kicks, but Mandy's Toxic Attraction stablemates come in for the DQ. They hold Nikkita back while Mandy... slaps her? until Roxanne Perez and Cora Jade come out for the save.

You know what? Not as awful as I'd heard. Very noticeable breaks in flow, though, and suffered from the TV format.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #229
Lash Legend vs. Sarray
WWE 205 Live - December 17, 2021​

The next two matches you'll see fall under the category of "NXT 2.0 women's matches". The early days of NXT 2.0 were rough on the eye. An abrupt shift to PC-produced talent and harsh roster cuts meant a LOT of TV (especially the moribund 205 Live show) was filled with workers who were nowhere near ready. Like, for example, WS's Worst Woman Wrestler of the Year 2022, Lash Legend! She had her second ever career match with Sarray that made her name mud, and, if I may diverge for a second, I was dead against Sarray's "magical girl transformation sequence" thing at the time, but it could have worked. It's a cool entrance gimmick. They just had to not make her a total geek when not in the ring. Anyway, let's watch this.

Lash looks so... artificial in this one. She doesn't have the confidence. Lash breaks off a waistlock with a back elbow, shoulderblocks Sarray down... and then does something, I guess. I reckon she was torn between doing ground-and-pound and just going for a pin. Sarray bridges out and runs the ropes for a bit, transitioning into a rolling package pin for two. German suplex attempt, the taller woman throws some elbows back, it's broken up... and there's a visible jump cut. This match is edited. And yet, even what we saw is being trashed. Sarray goes for forearms until Lash converts one into a pop-up facebuster. But not really pop-up, because there's nowhere near enough height to it. Lash's elbow drop (an armpit drop, as if she were possessed by the ghost of Viscera) gets two.

Lash does a snap powerslam... after a good few seconds of setting up the spot. Sarray's crossbody is caught into a fallaway slam (but Lash doesn't really bend back, just letting Sarray flop behind her while she stands). Lash misses an elbow. There's then... another crossbody attempt? I have no idea what's going on. Lash doesn't really catch Sarray, so she's mostly upright, as if it's in a bearhug. There's a bit of rummaging, and effectively Sarray brings Lash down and makes her opponent pin her. Sarray starts going for dropkicks and forearms so all Lash has to do is sell (which at least she's not terrible at). Commentary has the gall to bring up Manami Toyota during this. Finish comes when Lash tries to get a rolling pin with a handful of tights, but Sarray reverses and gets a handful of her own for the three.

Post-match, Lash downs Sarray with a pump kick and a Reinera facebuster (why doesn't she do that anymore?). She then cuts a not very good promo as if she won (which she didn't).

This was EDITED. This was the EDITED version, and yet it still came off significantly botchy.

It's kinda nice to see how much Lash has grown in-ring. She's actually.... Not bad at all. It's almost as if they shouldn't have put her on TV so soon.

 

[Sky]

Entry #231
The Miss WrestleMania Battle Royal
WWE WrestleMania 25 - April 5, 2009​

First 2024 Hall of Fame entrant just got announced, and that can only mean one thing: We're on the road to WrestleMania! And that means I don't have long to get through all the bad Mania matches! First step: knock out all the bad Manias. We've done WM27 and WM9, so it's time for WM25. Actually, WM25 wasn't bad, it just had two really ill-advised matches. Next up is Triple H vs. Randy Orton, but first, we've got this. A 25-Diva battle royal to be crowned "Miss WrestleMania". Women wrestlers of the past and present show up for this match...

...which starts with a Kid Rock performance. For ten minutes. There was a tag title unification match and it was cut for time, in favour of a Kid Rock performance. He finishes off by performing the song "So Hott", and fittingly, during this, the 25 competitors make their entrance. Those 25 competitors, in alphabetical order:

• Alicia Fox
• Beth Phoenix
• Brie Bella
• Eve Torres
• Gail Kim
• Jackie Gayda
• Jillian Hall
• Joy Giovanni
• Katie Lea
• Kelly Kelly
• Layla
• Maria Kanellis
• Maryse
• Melina
• Michelle McCool
• Mickie James
• Molly Holly
• Natalya
• Nikki Bella
• Rosa Mendes
• Santina Marella
• Sunny
• Tiffany
• Torrie Wilson
• Victoria

One of those is not like the others. If you're wondering, Trish Stratus and Lita were both approached for this, but turned it down. Smart move.

Before Justin Roberts has even finished explaining the rules, someone's already been eliminated. Apparently it's Layla. Rosa Mendes is out too. Mae Young is allegedly the special timekeeper. It's similar to your usual battle royals, in that it's really hard to follow and there's not enough room in the ring for much to happen. A lot of standing about. Torrie Wilson and Sunny (who were not announced in this match, despite being legends) are out. Santino's already been noticed, and the crowd chants for him. Jillian thinks she's eliminated two women but Gail Kim comes in with a flying headscissors to eliminate herself and Jillian. Tiffany's out too. Kelly gets bundled out doing her back elbow. Beth Phoenix is dominating the early going.

Victoria and the Bellas get eliminated through the ropes (of course, because it's the fucking Diva era). Mickie does a sick headscissors and goes up top but Michelle attacks her. They're battling in the corner, and Santino's just standing around awkwardly while they both fall off. Melina hits a flying leg lariat on Beth, they fight in the corner. Santino is still awkwardly standing around. Beth goes to Glam Slam Melina out but Santino comes in to toss them both over. Your winner, and Miss WrestleMania, celebrating 25 years of women's wrestling on the grandest stage... a man in a dress. He gets a sash and tiara from Candice Michelle as several of the competitors in this match wonder if TNA is hiring. (Victoria would go on to join TNA as "Tara" just a month later.)

Standard battle royal with an insulting punchline that slaps pretty much every woman who ever competed for WWE right in the face. Fuck this match.

 

[Sky]

Entry #232
Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton
for the WWE Championship
WWE WrestleMania 25 - April 5, 2009​

There was a great match at WrestleMania 25. It was Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels. Remember that? It didn't main event! Instead, what we got after that was a fairly regular John Cena title match for the Big Gold Belt, and then Triple H vs. Randy Orton for the spinner. Wow, that sounds backwards. This can't have been received well if it I planned it for this thread! Let's see how not well it is.

Triple H's entrance shows him tossing a sledgehammer through a mirror... okay? This is an intensely personal feud where Orton attacked HHH's family, so the stip you add to this is not No Holds Barred, it's "if HHH gets DQ'd, he loses the title"! You force them to have an actual wrestling match! And that means this is going to be SLOW! And BORING! I take a quick look at how long the WM25 video has to go, and I groan.

Big staredown, because yeah. HHH starts pounding away, and they get to the corner. The ref tries to stop HHH stomping in the corner, and that's lame. While HHH is being talked down Orton hits him with an RKO outtanowhere! Orton sets up the punt, HHH dodges and hits a Pedigree, but can't pin. It's 2 minutes in and I get the feeling I've already seen the peak of the match. They go to the outside. HHH smashes Orton's face into the Spanish table then takes a quick water break. Back to ground-and-pound, and Orton rolls out again. HHH bashes Orton's face into the ring post. In the ring again, Orton wants HHH to wait but HHH very much does not. Orton tries to wriggle out but HHH catapults him into the ropes.

HHH hits some knee drops to the face, then eventually gets a neckbreaker. Orton's out again. When HHH follows Orton whips him into the steel steps. He then sends HHH over the barricade, landing him on his shoulder. Crowd is eerily quiet. Especially for the main event of Wrestle Fucking Mania. Almost as if they don't really care. HHH beats the count but takes some stomps from Orton. Knee drop to the head and kick from Orton gets two. Somehow we now get Orton's first headlock of the match, but HHH counters with a back suplex. HHH tries something but Orton hits a snap powerslam for two.

Back to headlocks. HHH takes a full minute to get to his feet but Orton is still dominating. Orton runs the ropes but HHH hits a high knee. HHH gets a kneeling facebuster and teases the Pedigree but Orton knocks him off and catapults him into the turnbuckle. Big HHH lariat gets two. Superplex teased but Orton slips out, downs HHH... goes for a flying nothing and HHH gets the boot up. Another Pedigree tease, this time Orton counters into a jackknife pin. RKO tease, countered into a schoolboy. HHH hits a spinebuster. ANOTHER teased Pedigree. This would be a lot more effective if HHH hadn't already hit a Pedigree about a minute into the match. Orton counters into an inverted backbreaker, but the pin is late and HHH is up at two.

HHH goes for a flying nothing but eats a dropkick by Orton, which is admittedly sold VERY well. A full minute of nothing later, Orton tries the punt but HHH catches the leg and bundles Orton out. They're at the announce tables again. HHH yanks out a monitor, and almost uses it, but decides against it, because he'll lose the title! Such a shit gimmick for this feud. Pedigree tease on the table, Orton gives HHH a back body drop to the Spanish table, which doesn't break. Orton then does his hangman DDT on the floor. HHH once again beats the count, to which Orton gives his best "flabbergasted" expression. Time has slowed to a crawl.

Back to Orton stomping away, which leads to HHH in the corner. HHH fights out but Orton pushes him into the referee twice, bumping the ref. We get our second RKO, but there's no ref. So, Orton gets out HHH's own sledgehammer, but as he's climbing into the ring with it, HHH hits Orton's punt on him! HHH uses the sledgehammer in the absence of the ref, then stows it back under the ring. This seems like where we'd get the second Pedigree, but no, instead we get HHH beating down Orton on the ground, and THEN hitting the second Pedigree.

This could have been an e-mail. About ten minutes of fat that could have been cut instead turn this match into a boring affair. The middle section of this was genuinely wretched.

 

[Sky]

Entry #233
Paul Orndorff vs. The Magnificent Muraco
WWF WrestleMania 2 - April 7, 1986​

And now... WrestleMania Number Two. When you talk about bad Manias, this often is right up there. This is, of course, the one where Vince decided he'd have 3 Manias at once, with each third of the show having their matches and then viewing the rest on a giant dim screen. And no one dared to contradict him. This is going to be a gauntlet... of EIGHT matches. Out of twelve on the show. Christ on a bike.

And we start with Paul Orndorff who, just a year after main eventing the most important wrestling event maybe ever, is reduced to curtain jerking the worst third of the show against the Mediocre Muraco, managed by a Japanese stereotype. To be fair, Mr. Fuji was good at his job, it's just that his job was appealing to razy lacism.

A REALLY exaggerated lock-up starts us off. Muraco gets a slam on a running Orndorff, but Orndorff gets his feet up and slams Muraco in exchange. He then does a slit-eye gesture to Fuji, in a moment that was very awkwardly cut from the Network version. He tosses Muraco around before applying an armbar. Muraco doesn't really sell it, just getting up. He tries to armdrag Orndorff off but Orndorff clings on. We get a close-up of Muraco really sweating. Orndorff keeps a hold of the arm even despite Muraco's attempts to escape. "He's using ancient Chinese techniques... slow torture" says guest commentator Susan St. James. That's a bit unfair. I mean, the armbar's gone on a bit long, but torture is the wrong word.

Muraco finally gets out by hitting a Samoan drop. He tries to get some offence in the corner but Orndorff comes in with elbows. They roll over the top rope (almost; the ref has to untangle Orndorff's foot), brawl, and both get counted out to a chorus of boos. Orndorff tries to pick up a chair, and Vince warns of him being disqualified from a match that is already over. LOUD "bullshit" chants.

Could have been a decent if unspectacular match until it just... ended.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

What's fucking amazing to think about is that 3 short months later, Paul Orndorff is on the run of his career against Hogan at The Big Event in Toronto, which drew 74,000 people, a record crowd at the time.

Long story short, just give Orndorff the fucking win, Vince, you clown.

I will also say this, Fuji was a fantastic worker in the 60s and 70s, and I think you can't necessarily say it was lazy racism when in the 50s and 60s, portraying a German or Japanese national could have gotten you killed. By the 80s, I think the narrative definitely shifted from Germans and Japanese to the Iranians and Russians, but I do disagree that it was lazy. It was a *lot* of work just to dare to portray that kind of heel.

 

[Sky]

Entry #234
"Macho Man" Randy Savage (c) vs. George "The Animal" Steele
for the WWF Intercontinental Championship
WWF WrestleMania 2 - April 7, 1986​

Next up is... oh FUCK OFF George Steele. A man who was in the deep depths of the end of his career, still getting major matches. Against Randy Savage of all people. I feel bad even seeing Savage with him. Actually, there's a story about the ever-paranoid Savage fearing that Steele would take Elizabeth from him. That's George "The Animal" Steele. A man old enough to be Elizabeth's father, who looked old enough to be her great-great-grandfather. Seriously, Randall, just get therapy.

Savage is doing some weird poses, then Steele charges and Savage runs away. Even as he comes in, he's actually afraid to be anywhere near Steele. He runs away again. He whacks the ropes with a chair, for some reason? He runs in, and out again, and begins a CHASE SEQUENCE! The first contact of this match, 2 minutes in, is Steele biting Savage's boot. Savage tries to get some offence but eats a double-handed chokeslam. Then Steele downs Savage with a single punch, and I hate that. Steele is distracted by Elizabeth, so Savage ties him in the ropes. Savage then gets a crossbody for two, with Steele just tossing him off like he's three foot tall.

Steele is still dominating Savage, tossing him out. He's hidden under the ring, and waits for Steele to be distracted by Elizabeth again before coming out from the other side and striking. Savage goes for a clothesline but Steele bites the arm. Savage goes out to get a bouquet and smacks Steele over the head with it, but Steele bites again, before using the flowers to attack him. Steele enjoys a quick turnbuckle foam snack, then shares some with Savage. It would be funny if it weren't so insulting.

Chase around the ring, Savage puts Elizabeth in front of Steele then attacks from behind. Savage gets the flying elbow drop, but Steele kicks out because fuck this Savage guy am I right? Steele tries to crush Savage's nose and tosses him. Crowd boos the ref trying to get Steele out of the corner, and Savage gets a pin with the feet on the ropes. Way to put your workhorse champion over! Steele has another munch of turnbuckle to finish off.

This is why I don't like George Steele. He's too old for this shit and yet he's made to look ridiculously dominant.

 

[Sky]

Entry #235
Roddy Piper vs. Mr. T
Boxing Match
WWF WrestleMania 2 - April 7, 1986​

After a squash match (at Mania) where jobber George Wells was given a taste of snake-based attempted murder by Jake Roberts, we get the main event of the New York phase of the show. A worked boxing match. Between two men who hated each other in real life. One of whom played a boxer in cinema, and that's why he is in a boxing match. To be fair, Piper probably wasn't a real Golden Gloves champion, but he's got more of a claim than Mr. T does.

Oh, and there's a ton of celebrities involved in this to hide the work. Joan Rivers is the special ring announcer, and the judges include ex-NBA backboard smasher Darryl Dawkins, man who sang "hi-de-hi" a lot Cab Calloway, and Watergate ratfucker G. Gordon Liddy. And the timekeeper is Herb, a fad character from failed Burger King ads. Piper is accompanied by Bob Orton and Lou Duva, while Mr. T has Haiti Kid, John Connolly, and Joe Frazier. I know who some of these people are. This is scheduled for 10 rounds, fucking hell.

Round 1 begins, and I don't know what to tell you. Just a regular ass boxing match. They jab a bit, then they go to the ropes and are hugging, repeat. But it's worked boxing, so it's not even real punches. Mr. T does some pretty nice dodging, but that's it. They just... move around a bit until round 1 is over. Seconds struggle to break it up. Piper comes out of his corner to challenge his opponent. I don't care.

Round 2. Piper gets backed into his corner because he has grease on his face, apparently. He gets in quite a few more punches than he did in Round 1. In between the phases where they're hugging against the ropes, Piper has Mr. T backed into the corner and eventually gets a down. There's barely a count because Piper won't get into his corner, but Mr. T stays down for eight. Crowd's chanting for Piper. The heel. Mr. T is saved by the bell in Round 2. Orton throws a bucket into the middle of the ring, and I don't have the faintest idea why.

Round 3, please let this end. Mr. T starts to make his comeback. He's backed Piper into a corner and lays into him. In this point in particular, his punches look AWFUL. (Somewhere, Risa Sera's mother watches and realises exactly what she wants her daughter to do.) Still, it gets a down. Mr. T punches Piper into the corner once more, and knocks him right out of the ring. Surely that means Piper just loses? If I learned anything about boxing from Punch-Out for the Nintendo Wii, it's that when you knock King Hippo out of the ring you straight up auto-win. Apparently not, and Piper's back up for the end of Round 3, which features more hugging. A ring girl brings out a literal giant golden glove. Baffling.

Piper kicks off Round 4 by tossing his stool (a seating object, not faeces). They're both stumbling, starting swinging at eadch other. Those are proper wrestling punches for once, and naturally they come from Piper. Both men's mouthguards get knocked out. Finally Piper says "fuck this", bumps the referee, and hits a scoop slam for the DQ. Big brawl to finish. Mr. T's announced as the winner but Piper gets his heat in the end.

Well, at least it's the best worked boxing match so far in the thread! Doesn't make it not a complete waste of time. Say it with me: worked boxing matches are never good!