Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Grimoire Lenin]

New Jack's a maximum scumbag and it's hard to believe a single word that comes out of his mouth when he was a notoriously pathological liar, so no wonder he'd be trying to stab people for perceived wrongs.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Note: the review of the Mass Transit Incident is off. Because all the footage I can find has a notable cut between the beatdown and aftermath.

Thank fuck I don't have to go through with that.

 

[Rosie]

You know what? Might be for the best. Find some less offensive wrestling, or even find a good match as a pallet cleanser, you deserve it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

You know what? Might be for the best. Find some less offensive wrestling, or even find a good match as a pallet cleanser, you deserve it.

I'm going to finish watching Elimination Chamber now.

Tomorrow we go back to fun bad. Including a couple of Chambers.

 

[Comrade Khan]

You should review Jericho Cole , shit sucked

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #214
New Jack vs. Gypsy Joe
Hardcore Match
NWA Main Event Wrestling - April 5, 2003​

Three left.

This one's pretty infamous for how it circulated on the interwebs, back in the day when people called it that. Gypsy Joe is the Puerto Rican one, known for his career in the early hardcore scene. He was certainly... difficult, to an extent. So what happens if you put him with New Jack? This.

New Jack very nearly gets physical with some fans who are not very pleased with him, right at the start. He goes out of the ring as the bell sounds, seemingly not interested in beating up this near-70-year-old man. We start with an early recipe for disaster: stiff shots by New Jack, which Joe no-sells. Actually, going by what people remember of Gypsy Joe in his history, seems like he was a regular no-seller. He just didn't feel pain. New Jack is actually selling, which is a bonus. He downs Joe with a pretty hefty clothesline and starts getting weapon shots in, including what appears to be a plastic Star Wars spaceship. All the while, this hefty woman in the crowd is standing up and shouting who knows what at New Jack. Apparently this included certain racial slurs... it is a Tennessee crowd after all.

New Jack tosses Joe on the outside, where he lands his 69-year-old tailbone square on the apron. They exchange strikes, real walk-and-brawl, until something in New Jack snaps. It's not clear because it's one guy in the crowd filming it, but I can just about make out New Jack hitting Joe in the head with a chair before jumping on him to deliver a beating. Both men at some point grab chains, but it's New Jack who gets to use it, hitting Joe hard with it before grounding and seemingly choking him. He them drops a row of plastic chairs on to Joe. The old man won't stay down, so New Jack grabs a barbed wire bat, whacks Joe with it so hard the barbed wire comes off, then keeps whacking. He whips Joe with the barbed wire, clatters into chairs (as the remaining frightened fans start leaving), and the bell rings to end it. Officially a no-contest.

Gypsy Joe stands up again, so New Jack throws shit at him one more time until a guy who is presumably the promoter shows up to break it up. New Jack calls someone in the area a bundle of sticks and then fucks off. Gypsy Joe's got a cracked skull but is still standing.

Maybe I've been desensitised to violent conduct after watching Knuckles vs. Levy but... this wasn't the horror show I expected. New Jack absolutely loses his rag making it a rough watch, but it won't trouble the bottom 10.

You go from guys getting beaten nearly to death to a guy getting beaten and still getting up.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Gypsy Joe was a tough motherfucker in his hey day in the 70s and 80s tbh.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #216
Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Ryback vs. Mark Henry vs. King Barrett vs. R-Truth
Elimination Chamber Match for the vacant WWE Intercontinental Championship
WWE Elimination Chamber - May 31, 2015​

And we are BACK! We are so fucking back. I can't tell you what a rush it is to be back to reviewing matches that are bad because they're stupid, not because they're depressing. I'm glad that it got ended early, honestly. Because there's now a solid bottom 10 that can never be broken, so we can just focus on the things above that. Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler is once again the worst match (*where no one was clearly intoxicated or on the verge of death, and no one tried to kill anyone else). So we're back to having fun again!

And while we were away watching the horrors, Elimination Chamber happened! It was good! Less actual wrestling than I'd hope, but it was good! So, let's take a look at the times the Elimination Chamber match was not good. Except the Extreme Chamber, we're already on top of that. Next up will be the 2020 women's Chamber, but first we'll deal with a Chamber from 9 years ago, in that weird time where it was in May because a show called Fastlane is definitely a better stop on the Road to WM. And only 2 weeks after a previous PPV. First time the IC Title was defended in a Chamber too. Let's see what went wrong.

Mark Henry here was a replacement for Rusev, who broke his foot on the go-home SmackDown. Truth is super serious, not even bothering to rap. Ryback's dedicating this match to a kid. Babyface Ryback is so weird. These pods are allegedly made from the same thing they make armoured vehicles with. Remember that, now.

We kick off with Barrett and Ziggler. Both go for a few pins, including a legsweep from Ziggler. Barrett hits a snap suplex for one. He beats up Ziggler in front of Henry like the heel he is, going for a running kick to Ziggler's midsection. After a chinlock, Ziggler starts to fight back, with a sweet dropkick, neckbreaker, and elbow drop for two. Nice spot where Barrett whips Ziggler to the corner, Ziggler tries to float over, but Barrett just punts him in the midsection again. Barrett tosses Ziggler into the furniture while commentary debates on Barrett being the "king of the universe". I think this may be foreshadowing to the Cosmic King thing for the Stephen Amell match at SummerSlam this year? Who knows.

Next wrestler to be released is R-Truth, and Barrett just comes to Truth's pod and beats him down. Apparently these two were feuding through most of the first half of 2015. I have no memory of this. This is just absolute domination of Truth by Barrett, Ziggler gets some brief offense but Barrett boots him down. He whips Ziggler into a ring post. Truth rallies with offence, getting a top rope dropkick for two. Best scissor kick in the business comes after. Truth tries to go for a running clothesline but Barrett catches him into a Winds of Change for two! Ziggler then gets a schoolboy pin for two. Crowd is shockingly quiet for this. Superkick to Ziggler for a close two. Barrett charges Ziggler into Mark Henry's pod...

...and the armoured vehicle glass collapses. This clearly isn't planned, a complete botch. Henry wonders if at this point he should go out and into the match, but the ref briefly tells him to go back before saying "Fuck it, I don't know anymore". He gets into it with Barrett, slamming him and hitting a leg drop for two.

As planned, Ryback comes in now, brawls with Henry (which looks rubbish due to the lack of selling) and shoves him down for a two-count. Ryback then deals with Barrett, with a spinebuster for two, Barrett tosses him out into the grating. Ziggler avoids a big boot and gets a crucifix pin for two. All the while Henry's just standing around awkwardly, not interfering, as he's clearly not supposed to be there. Barrett hits the Wasteland on Ziggler... and Henry BREAKS UP the pin? Apparently, in all the confusion, he's forgotten that he's in an ELIMINATION Chamber match so he's supposed to let ELIMINATIONS happen. JBL half-heartedly buries Henry for being stupid.

All structure in this match has clearly broken down. Barrett preps the Bullhammer but walks into a Ziggler superkick, a Snake Eyes from Ryback, and a Lie Detector from Truth, and he's out. Everyone is now standing around while Ziggler openly calls spots. It's admirable that he's trying, honestly. There's an awkward four-man stand-off, and it turns into Ryback/Ziggler and Truth/Henry.

Time for Sheamus to enter, but there's one problem. His door's stuck. Ref soutside struggle at length to open it up while Sheamus trashes them for not being good enough. There's awkwardness in the ring, some sloppy pin attempts, and Ziggler takes another break to call spots again. Everyone attacks Henry, then Ryback hits the Meat Hook on Ziggler. Shell Shocked on Truth, and that's it for him. Sheamus is stil stuck. "Who's doing our equipment, the Patriots' equipment guy?" -JBL. Ryback hits a VERY delayed vertical suplex on Ziggler, but doesn't cover, instead setting up another Meat Hook, but this lets Ziggler land a superkick. Triple down. Sheamus takes out... his necklace that he'd used to jam the door! That's pretty clever. Of course, commentary misses this and just says they fixed it.

Now Sheamus is in while everyone is beaten up. He tosses Ziggler into his pod... which also collapses! He's bullying Mark Henry, instead of going for a finisher or something. As a result, Sheamus barely escapes a World's Strongest Slam, and eats a big splash for two. Brogue Kick takes out Henry. Crowd doesn't really care. Ziggler is doggedly fighting back but being overpowered. Sheamus tries a suplex but Ziggler rolls into a small package for two. Ziggler tries for a jumping DDT once, misses, and succeeds the second time for a two-count. Ryback stirs, tries a powerbomb on Ziggler but gets superkicked. Ziggler ducks a Brogue Kick, hits a Famouser, but eats a second Brogue Kick to be eliminated. Crowd is NOT happy.

"Feed Me More" chants pick up, because oh yeah, Ryback's a babyface. Sheamus hits a powerslam for two, then points at the Mania sign IC Title belt. This lets Ryback come back with shoulderblocks and a couple of powerslams. They're on the outside of the ring, and Sheamus hits White Noise on the grating. It's only a two-count, but it looks and sounds like a three. Sheamus goes for his Ten Beats but only gets four before Ryback grabs his arm and yanks him over. Green Bay Plunge by Sheamus on the grating. He goes for a Brogue Kick but Ryback hits a powerbomb and Shell Shocked to win it!

There's the guts of a decent IC Title match in there, but it's impossible to ignore the moments where the structure just died. Rubbish.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #217
Batista vs. Alberto Del Rio
WWE Elimination Chamber - February 23, 2014​

The Network autoplayed Chamber 2014 for me so I thought, sure. Why not. Batista/Del Rio. I remember people not liking that. Especially considering that Batista was the BRUTALLY unpopular winner of the Rumble, and Del Rio was Del Rio.

Batista looks troubled by the boos while they waste a year's pyro budget on him. Del Rio comes out with a crutch and neck brace, because Batista put him through a table not long ago. He acts like it's going to keep him from competing... then reveals it's a ruse and attacks Batista with the crutch. I thought it wouldn't be legit. After all, in 2020-21 we'd see announce table breaks pretty much every match, and no one got crippled from one of those. We get Del Rio and "SI SI SI" chants, because fuck Batista I guess.

Batista's playing the gutsy babyface, but the crowd are booing his offence and cheering Del Rio's. You do, in fact, love to see it. "Bootista" chants! Del Rio tries the cross-arm breaker over the ropes. As Del Rio begins working the arm, the crowd starts chanting for Daniel Bryan, and CM Punk! Batista rallies, and the crowd are not fans. Y2J chant! Batista ducks Del Rio's shoulder charge so he goes into the post. "Boring" chants. Del Rio double foot stomps Batista's shoulders. Jerry Lawler gives the bad commentary call of the night with "I heard his ringtone is La Cucaracha". Second is Michael Cole wondering why there's aren't American flags as well as Del Rio's Mexican flags, making him look like the type of guy to say "Why isn't there a White History Month?".

RVD chants break out now! Del Rio cracks Batista with an enzuigiri that forces a rope break, then a two-count. "We want Lesnar" chants, the last time that's ever said. One guy tries to start a Kurt Angle chant. Del Rio rolls Batista into the ring, but comes in to a spear and gets pinned for two. Crowd still does not care for this. Del Rio hits a Backstabber for two. He then misses a top rope senton and eats a spinebuster. Batista tries for the Batista Bomb but Del Rio escapes and takes out the injured knee. Superkick for two. Del Rio teases the cross-arm breaker but Batista counters, sends him into the turnbuckle, and hits the Batista Bomb for the win. Crowd treats the supposed babyface like the world's biggest heel.

Really basic match, not interesting in the slightest, still amazing how the crowd buried it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #218
The Miz vs. Brodus Clay
WWE Over the Limit - May 20, 2012​

"uh, I thought the Women's Chamber 2020 was next?" First of all, shut up. Second of all, my backlog is getting too large so I'm going to have a bit of a clear-out before I get to that. First up, something quick. Can't resist an opportunity to shit all over Brodus Clay, after all.

Miz is out with a mic, burying fans for booing him. He lost the show-opening battle royal to Christian, but at least we get to see him again! Why boo him? Miz then speaks the truth about how shit Brodus Clay is. He says he's a better dancer (true, have you ever seen Brodus on Dancing With The Stars?). He then does a horrible imitation of the Thriller dance to his own music. It's interrupted by the full two-minute Brodus Clay entrance because of course it is. At least Cameron and Naomi are both on top form. This is a match now.

Brodus does the worst hip stake I've ever seen, then starts to overpower Miz, who already rests on the outside. Miz comes in with punches which Brodus no-sells. Brodus teases a back body drop (sort of, but he can't bend down) and Miz kicks, then drops Brodus' face on the ropes. High knee by Brodus as two people try a "this is awesome" chant(????). Brodus hits headbutts to the back and a suplex for two. We go to the outside, where Brodus dominates and tries to slam Miz into the ring post, but Miz breaks out and sends Brodus in. "We've got a wounded dinosaur" -Cole. Big boot by Miz gets two. Chinlock, ugh. Brodus rallies after about 30 seconds and hits a headbutt. Miz goes up top but Brodus crotches him. Second rope falling powerslam, then a big splash, and Brodus wins.

Basic squash featuring a lame worker. Makes you appreciate Miz.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #219
Premier Athlete Brand (Anthony Nese/Trent Baretta/Caleb Konley) vs. Chuck Taylor/Biff Busick/Teddy Hart
DGUSA Mercury Rising - April 5, 2014​

What kills a promotion? Bad booking, maybe. Lack of fan interest. Some spectacular backstage walkout. Really, none of these were what killed Dragon Gate USA. I don't know for sure what did. It was probably the fact that the promotion had completely lost what it used to be. There were zero Dragon Gate-branded talent on this allegedly Dragon Gate show. Gabe and Sal had apparently lost interest in promoting a brand connected to a Japanese promotion, as they just killed this and started making only WWN/EVOLVE shows going forward. And this show had this match, which is apparently the worst match the Dragon Gate universe has ever seen.

This match actually starts in the midst of another match, which is between Chuck Taylor and some dude named Maxwell Chicago whose gimmick is that he has no idea how to wrestle. Chuck's sad because his partner Drew Gulak betrayed him last night, so he can't compete in a six-man tag team tournament tonight. Suddenly Tony Nese and his stable of Real Athletes Who Don't Do Flips come in and beat the shit out of Chicago. All the while, Taylor's just walked out, standing and watching and looking sad. Su Yung grabs a mic and apparently challenges Chuck Taylor to do the tournament match 3-on-1. I can't tell though, the sound quality is garbage. Chuck accepts.

Chuck comes right out of the gates, and gets a quick single-leg crab on Nese. Konley gets in a few chops but eats a dropkick. Nese and Konley start to double team Chuck, but Chuck fights back and suplexes one into the other. Now it's Chuck vs. Trent. Chuck wants to unite the Best Friends like they are in PWG, and so do the fans with a "hug it out" chant, but it ain't happening because Nese attacks from behind. The basic 2-on-1 heat segment recommences, with Nese slamming Chuck for two. PAB miss a double clothesline and get shoved into each other, but Nese fights back and a series of kicks downs Chuck. Double whip to the corner, and the ref has seemingly given up enforcing the tag rules.

Out comes Biff Busick, who's calling for a tag! This is quite unorthodox, but Chuck kicks both heels down, and tags in Busick, and the ref accepts it! Busick starts battling Trent, who gets chops and then a release German where he lands on his face. He brawls away with PAB, and there's a really cool spot where he positions Konley under Nese's arm, then gives Nese a neckbreaker and forces him to DDT Konley! That only gets two. Trent takes a really theatrical slap from Busick, then Busick jumps on for a sleeper until Nese and Konley interfere again. Chuck breaks up a PAB double suplex attempt, and then along with Busick gives a Doomsday Device to Konley! Nese has to break it up.

Busick's about to take a 3-on-1 beating until Larry Dallas comes out with a mic and makes an announcement. The third team member on Chuck's side... Teddy Hart. Ugh. Teddy comes out with women and a cat, as usual. Everyone forgets they're having a match as Teddy makes his entrance. He cleans up the PAB and hits Konley with a Torture Rack backbreaker! Headscissors driver over the ropes to Trent! Then... a kind of sloppy looking Canadian Destroyer, honestly. He holds up the cat like it's a title, leading to a "we want pussy" chant. Everyone gets in the ring, almost as if there isn't even a match on. Teddy shakes hands with Busick... then, low blow to Chuck! Backstabber to Busick! Powerbomb backbreakers for everyone! Teddy Hart has turned heel! Nese is the last one left who remembers the match is still going, and gets a pin for the win.

Honestly, started fine, then Teddy Hart came in and the fun stopped. Really weird and pointless, stuff that wouldn't even fly in WWE, and certainly would get buried in a promotion like this. Also it included Teddy.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #220
Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D. vs. Big Swole
Tooth and Nail Match
AEW All Out - September 5, 2020​

Now let's go to the other negatively-remembered match on the AEW All Out show! This was meant to be a pre-show match but it got moved to the main card. It's also a weird cinematic, involving Big Swole. Not exactly how I'd choose to open the PPV.

Swole gets chauffered to the actual dental practice of Britt Baker, and Rebel's at the desk, pretending she's not Rebel (or, indeed, Reba). Swole clocks her with a clipboard before kicking her swivel stool out from under her. Swole is searching for Britt but comes across a dentist's chair with blood spattered all around it. Swole monologues for a bit before turning a corner... and Britt, face-masked, emerges from elsewhere. This is weirdly slasher-esque. Swole discovers a bunch of chattering toy teeth in a drawer. This is drawing mental comparisons to the House of Horrors match (oh fuck, that's another match I'll have to do). Swole's so distracted that she just lets Britt clatter her over the head with her own diploma. And that's the start of the match.

Britt bashes Swole with her mask, then tries to pull off a "molar extraction" before Swole clangs her in the head with a tray. Rebel comes in with a water squirter but gets hit too. Chase through the office, and now they're out back. Swole uses a wet floor sign, puts Britt in a wheel chair and smashes her into a stack of cardboard boxes. Now they're fighting on the back some sort of truck. Britt's on the roof,with Rebel bringing Swole up so Britt can hit a DDT. Swole avoids going into a Dumpster and fights off both women, tossing Rebel among the garbage. Rebel passes out a crutch so Britt can crack Swole in the back. Now they're going back inside.

Swole hits Britt's nose against a sink and teases a brainbuster on the floor, but Britt fights back and hits a neckbreaker for two. Britt tries to drag Swole by the hair. They brawl in the aisle and Swole gets a two-count. She eats a superkick by Britt and lands in a dentist's chair. Britt then literally tries to murder Swole with a drill. Not a dentist's drill, though. A power drill with a light attached. The drill gets stuck. Rebel comes back, covered in garbage, with a syringe. She tries to put it into Swole, but Swole makes Britt inject herself with a localised anaesthetic, taking out one of her legs. Swole grabs another copy of Britt's diploma and uses it to punch Rebel. Swole takes a mask full of gas and puts Britt under for the win. Swole tears up Britt's diploma after.

Not exactly awful, but... weird. Did nothing new with the format, didn't really exploit the talents of either woman, and just didn't really work.

 

[Comrade Khan]

I had forgotten about this match altogether, good shout to review it

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #221
Asuka vs. Shayna Baszler vs. Natalya vs. Ruby Riott vs. Liv Morgan vs. Sarah Logan
WWE RAW Women's Championship #1 Contender's Elimination Chamber Match
WWE Elimination Chamber - March 8, 2020​

Okay NOW I'm doing this Chamber. It's set to decide the next contender to Becky Lynch at WM36. Literally days before the pandemic shuts everything down. This has divided opinion. Let's see what the problem is.

Asuka has a taped wrist and is pretty apprehensive about this. We start with one of the first problems with this match. Too few credible contenders. The ex-Riott Squad members come out to deafening silence (especially Sarah Logan, who makes the average Rob Conway pop sound like Hogan at Mania X8), and Natalya isn't far behind. The only credible winners are Asuka and Shayna.

So, of course you start with neither of those! Instead it's Natalya vs. Ruby, who have a fairly basic match. Ruby tries to go for an early pin with a sunset flip. They take turns bashing each other into the chains, before Natalya hits a snap suplex on to what used to be grating but is now just... floor. Natalya locks on a Sharpshooter in front of Liv's pod while Liv mocks her, before Ruby reverses and sends Natalya neck-first into the pod. Ruby climbs the chain-link before cannonballing backwards on to Natalya for two. Ruby starts to choke Natalya on the chains. Crowd does not sound like they care all that much, which is damning for a Chamber. Is that a CM Punk chant? Already? Natalya has Ruby on her shoulders, Ruby holds on, but eventually gets dropped on to the chains.

Next entrant is Sarah Logan to a chorus of groans. She dropkicks Natalya right in the mush and bashes her into the pod. Ruby and Logan climb to the top of Liv's pod. Logan hits a pop-up headbutt and sends Ruby dangling. Natalya catches Ruby and powerbombs her on to the floor outside. Logan goes for a crossbody off the pod, but it's Sarah Logan so it doesn't get much of a reaction. Tower of Doom spot, which again, should be a pop, but isn't, because it's Sarah Logan and Natalya.

Finally, in comes Shayna, and something can happen! Crowd wakes up as Shayna starts tossing women around. She applies her finishing sequence to Logan (Yokosuka Cutter, knee, Kirifuda Clutch) and then Ruby, for two quick eliminations by submission. Natalya's in a crumpled heap on the outside. Shayna tosses Natalya into her pod and delivers a beating before slamming the door into her. Kirifuda Clutch on the outside, and Natalya taps. Shayna's now left alone in the ring. Flashback to the Extreme Chamber, as we now get about two minutes of waiting, during which Shayna taunts Liv and Asuka in PiP while everyone at home is watching replays.

Out comes Liv Morgan, who... has not had a good record against ex-MMA women, has she? Now that I think about it. Anyway, she briefly gets offence until Shayna swings her into the chains and pod. Liv's just down while Shayna taunts Asuka. Liv can only get a slap in before Shayna downs her again. She tortures Liv while taunting Asuka. Kirifuda Clutch up on the corner, and Liv's out. So guess what? MORE WAITING! About three more unbroken minutes of Shayna taunting Asuka, who shouts at her from inside her pod. Fucking hell, this had better be good. Better be worth all the standing around and waiting.

In comes Asuka, after the ref struggles to open her pod. Asuka's getting offence in, with a hip attack and shoot kicks. Shayna catches an arm, starts kneeing away. Shayna tries a Yokosuka Cutter, Asula counters and gets in a kick. Asuka puts in the Asuka Lock but Shayna rolls out and escapes. She backs Asuka into the chains, then bends her arm over the rope and attacks her taped wrist. Kirifuda Clutch attempt, Asuka tries to convert into a bridging pin but can't. Shayna manipulates the wrist, then Yokosuka Cutter, knee, Kirifuda Clutch, Shayna wins with 5 eliminations out of 5.

So Shayna's won, and in dominant fashion too. So, what would come of it? Surely she's getting the rocket strapped at Mania 36, right? Nope. Vince, over the course of a few weeks, completely gave up on Shayna, and she lost to Becky Lynch in under ten minutes, in a match where Becky was ACTIVELY LOBBYING TO LOSE, and needed not to win because she'd go off on maternity leave after Money in the Bank. And then... something something Nia Jax, something something sommelier, something something scared of a doll, Shayna was never credible again.

You know what I would have done, if you wanted to do a Shayna dominance storyline? Have Asuka and Shayna be out first. Have them have a match within the Chamber, that's occasionally interrupted by Shayna eliminating the other women. In the end Shayna exploits the injured wrist of Asuka and eliminates her to win. Then you have actual consistent action, not a farce. And maybe don't kill Shayna's push immediately after. Hindsight makes this match ten times worse. At the time, it's just a boring Chamber. Four years later? It's a burial of six women and an entire signature match. Fuck it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #222
Lady Antoinette vs. Supersonic
Sukeban Miami - December 6, 2023​

Fucking hell, remember Sukeban? It's technically still active, but I doubt it will be for long. Everyone (including myself) thought it would be essentially the joshi equivalent of Lucha Underground. Instead, it's a glorified fashion project where talented women are given sub-New Generation characters and made to wrestle in impractical outfits. It's only had two shows, and the goodwill is already gone. This match is particularly poorly reviewed on Cagematch, and it's been on my backlog for too long, so let's go into it. For the record: Lady Antoinette is Risa Sera, and Supersonic is Natsuki Taiyo, who was brought out of a 9-year retirement for this.

Supersonic apparently just got off the plane and is probably jetlagged. Good start. At least Antoinette isn't wearing that huge wig while wrestling. Feeling out process, then Antoinette goes for a face rake that sends her opponent to the outside. Antoinette's stablemates, in similarly shiny latex dresses as her, start to interfere, one distracting the referee while Antoinette chokes with her necklace. Supersonic gets on a skate ramp and delivers a sliding dropkick to Antoinette. Chase around the ring, then Supersonic hits a crossbody that Antoinette looks almost like she's caught until she remembers she has to sell it and crumples down. Everyone seems to forget what they're doing for a second after, writhing around in a weird manner.

The outside interference continues, some of it in full view of the ref. Antoinette slams Supersonic's face into her necklace. Supersonic tries to put on a Boston crab but Antoinette turns her over. Giant swing by Antoinette, and the crowd's louder than it has been all match. She's too dizzy to make the pin though, and Supersonic kicks out at two. Supersonic is staggering around, and Antoinette applies some absolutely AWFUL looking cornered knees. It's genuinely incredible how ineffective they look. Supersonic runs the ropes and hits a back elbow, followed by a dropkick for two. She then bites Antoinette's arm a few times, and rolls into a crossface in a way that looks super rehearsed. Antoinette bites to break it.

Supersonic tries putting on the oversized wig. Antoinette recovers, and there's some of the most obviously theatrical forearms I've ever seen from a Japanese women's match. Zero impact in most of them. Supersonic fakes out a dropkick and then delivers one while Antoinette's guard is down. They do the Code Red tease/sit-down spot, but Antoinette's timing is off so it looks bad. Antoinette does something that looks halfway between a Reinera drop and an Air Raid Crash and looks good as neither. Supersonic bridges out of the pin, then gets a slow-mo small package for two. Supersonic tries a frog splash but misses. More ref distraction, Antoinette gets her necklace and applies a sleeper with the necklace hidden under her arm, and when the ref turns all he sees is Supersonic tapping.

When I came into this, I thought it would just be joshi fans overreacting to an American style match, like NJPW matches with House of Torture. Now I've actually seen it and hahahahaha that was a load of fucking balls. It wasn't even the long-retired, jetlagged Natsuki Taiyo that dragged the match down - it was Risa Sera, who seemed to be doing this at a quarter pace, treating her opponent as if she would explode if she ever took a proper strike. Sareee (who was at this show, lest we forget) was probably watching this and reminded of that abortive affair with Lash Legend in NXT 2.0. Which reminds me, I should watch that too...