Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #205
Matt Hardy vs. Sammy Guevara
Broken Rules Match
AEW All Out - September 5, 2020​

For the final part of the "wrestlers being in no condition to wrestle, but doing so anyway" section of this series, we have Matt Hardy! Remember this match? It sucked when it happened, and it'll suck to see it again. Time to watch a man in a position where he could have died. Not for the first time this feud, actually, because there were a lot of ill-advised spots in the build. "Broken Rules" apparently entails Last Man Standing, and if Matt Hardy loses, he'll have to leave AEW. Remember that now.

Since this is an AEW pandemic show at Daily's Place, at least one PPV match has to exploit the fact that there's an NFL field right next to it. Hardy's in the end zone (as is Aubrey Edwards), looking for Sammy Guevara and calling him a coward. "There is no escaping my red rage" -what? Eventually Sammy shows up... in a golf cart! Hardy plays matador with it, guiding Sammy into crashing into a bunch of the sort of detritus that you see in the hallways of an NFL stadium. Hardy walk-and-brawls Sammy into a wheelie bin, then teases Twist of Fate on to a bench, but DDTs him instead. They go towards a scissor lift, where Hardy has Sammy laid out, boot-choking him. He raises the scissor lift, and tries to give Sammy the Side Effect off it and through a table. Sammy counters, though, and spears Matt Hardy off the scissor lift and through the table.

As in, not really through the table. Mostly on to the concrete floor. Back of the head first.

"Matt is out" says Schiavone, as we see exactly that. Aubrey is checking on Matt Hardy, trying to get medical help. Sammy's full kayfabing it, taunting Matt as he lies unconscious on the floor. In any sane world the match would have been stopped here. But it doesn't. Because that's not the finish. Matt Hardy is booked to win this match, and not leave AEW, so thanks to the rigid booking plans of Tony Khan, win this match he must. Aubrey notably doesn't begin the count until Sammy demands it. Because that is Not The Finish. Hardy eventually groggily gets to his feet, but can't stay on them. Sammy is essentially dragging his body around. Hardy's still trying to work, but he's loopy, he keeps falling over. Aubrey throws up the X, Doc Sampson says Hardy's hurt, staff separates Sammy from Hardy. The bell rings.

Hardy finally gets to his feet, still very much out of it, but crying out looking for Sammy. Sammy heads up to the ring area, and there's just an awkward silence among the crowd. Hardy follows him... and the match resumes?? Apparently Doc Sampson has cleared him. Possible concussion? Nah, screw that, we've got to have a winner! (How appropriate that a match that started in an NFL stadium features such a blatant disregard for brain damage.) Hardy DDTs Sammy on the concrete, then they walk-and-brawl to the finish. Which just so happens to be a fall off a scaffold. Yikes. Sammy climbs, Hardy tries to follow but slips. You get the feeling that they were going to go higher for the scaffold bump, but they just do it a couple of rungs up, as Sammy drops through a gimmicked floor for the 10-count. Hardy's career is safe (except with that head injury, no it's not).

Really shouldn't have continued. A huge mistake, sacrificed Hardy's health for a finish. Fuck it all.

 

[Rosie]

They should have ended it there. Declared it a "No contest due to medical stoppage"

Probably the first real black spot on AEW.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #206
The Acolytes vs. The Public Enemy
WWF Heat - March 7, 1999​

And now, we get into the bulk of this sorry mess. Shoot incidents. Moments when wrestlers weren't just failing to co-operate, they were explicitly trying to hurt their opponents. And we start with one of the greatest hits of that delightful man, John "Bradshaw" Layfield. The story here is simple. The Public Enemy were signed to the WWF in 1999. However, they were immediately enemies of the locker room for two reasons. One: they previously had received offers from both WWF and WCW, and went to WCW (to have that pretty fun brawl with the Nasty Boys, remember?). Two: they didn't want to take a table bump. Because, you know, being good at table stuff was their entire reason for being relevant. For this reason, they were hated. And the Acolytes "taught them a lesson". Here we go.

The Acolytes are coming in with purpose. Faarooq kicks off, hitting a less-safe-than-usual spinebuster on Rocco Rock before putting the boots in. Meanwhile, Bradshaw and Johnny Grunge are on the outside. Bradshaw really lays in the chair shots HARD. Faarooq smashes Rock with the steel steps, and Bradshaw bashes Grunge into another set face-first. Back in the ring, Clothesline from Hell on Rock, then the double spike powerbomb. Faarooq tosses Rock out, smashing him around, while Bradshaw kicks Grunge legit in the face several times. Eventually he boots Grunge through a table. Rock gets crotched on the barricade, then Bradshaw comes out, gets a chair, and cracks it over Rock's head while Faarooq holds his arms back so he can't defend himself. Fuck.

While Bradshaw applies chair shots to a laid-out Grunge, the ref calls for the bell. I guess for a double count-out? Basically none of this took place in the ring. The Acolytes smash the Public Enemy with halves of table, before bringing Rock into the ring and smacking him in the face with the steps. Then Grunge gets a similar treatment, followed by a knee to the face. Faarooq powerbombs Rock literally head-first. Like, there's no mistake that it could have been a botch. This was an attempt to break a man's neck.

Well, damn, I actually feel sick now. Sick in a similar sort of way to how I did during the Big Joe/Body penis incident. There was no working here, there was just attempted murder.

 

[Rosie]

I genuinely believe if something like that happened today... Even in the late 2000's, WWE would get their asses sued. Genuinely a case of battery, or at the very least an unsafe work environment going beyond the reasonably expected dangers in a wrestling ring. Go fuck yourself JBL, you too, Farooq.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Bradshaw's such a dick weed, I hope nothing good happens to him in his life tbh.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #207
Sexy Star (c) vs. Lady Shani vs. Ayako Hamada vs. Rosemary
for the AAA Reina de Reinas Championship
AAA TripleMania XXV - August 28, 2017​

We continue our look at times wrestlers wanted to cripple each other for real with a particularly infamous case. Wondered why you haven't heard much from Sexy Star in the last 6 or so years (well, the original anyway, her replacement is still slumming it in AAA)? Wonder no more. This was set to be Sexy Star vs. Lady Shani for the strap: two women who were known for being, shall we say, difficult to work with. Then suddenly out of nowhere, they added fairly-reliable vet Ayako Hamada and TNA's Rosemary, just to make sure there would be something watchable in this match rather than just a shootfest between two women who dislike each other. As you'll see, though, that didn't stop them.

Sexy Star kicks off by dodging Shani's move, then taking a slap from Hamada and a German suplex from Rosemary before rolling to the outside. Hamada and Shani take on Rosemary together, with Shani giving Rosemary a snapmare before both kick her. Shani makes the pin, and Hamada makes no effort to break it up. It's as if she doesn't want to be champion. They continue the double-teaming, Shani putting on a camel clutch so Hamada can come in with a dropkick. Hamada does her own camel clutch... but Shani kicks her instead! Shani leaves Hamada dazed in the corner before slapping about with Rosemary, until Sexy Star comes in with a crossbody to both. Hamada holds Sexy Star back so Rosemary and Shani can clothesline her, but Sexy Star ducks for an interesting four-person variation of that classic spot.

Sexy Star gives a pretty stiff-looking right hand to Shani before walking into a pretty sloppy German suplex and a pretty nice spike DDT from Hamada. Shani comes in and starts a rope choke on Sexy Star. Hamada goes out to grab a chair. Shani's trying some offence but Sexy Star is just not selling. They keep cutting to wide shots so it's hard to tell what's happening. Hamada hits a scoop slam on Sexy Star but Rosemary breaks up the pin. Shani tries to whip Sexy Star into Hamada's chair swing, but Sexy Star dropkicks the chair into her! Rosemary tries to go for the chair but Sexy Star kicks it away. Everyone tries to take shots at Sexy Star, but she dodges everyone, until Rosemary gets a mist shot in. The camera completely misses it. God dammit AAA.

Shani holds Sexy Star so Hamada can give her a chair shot to the back. Sexy Star responds by... just standing up and rolling out. Back in the ring, Shani kicks the chair into Hamada's face, then puts Rosemary into a rolling guillotine. Hamada breaks it up with a chair to Shani's back, then tries to fill the ring with plunder. She fails to throw a garbage can hard enough to get it into the ring, though, so Rosemary helps her. They're now both teaming up on Shani, and by that I mean mostly standing around while occasionally throwing a strike at her. They do a pretty nice team neck crank submission, Shani's tapping with both hands, but the match doesn't end (after all, to whom would you award the title in that situation?).

Rosemary and Hamada set up Shani in the chair, with the garbage can over her head, but can't do a spot where they hit he because the chair collapses. Fuckin' poor quality Mexican furniture. So they have to do the spot with Rosemary holding the garbage can on Shani while Hamada hits a dropkick. Both try pins on Shani but pull each other away. Finally Sexy Star is back, and she gets into it with Hamada. She completely no sells a garbage can lid shot and tries to do one of her own, but Hamada blocks. Hamada hits another scoop slam and goes up top, but Sexy Star powerbombs her down for two but Rosemary breaks it up.

Now it's Rosemary/Shani in a strike fight. Rosemary catches a kick and face-plants Shani before locking in a bridging reverse sleeper. Sexy Star stomps her down, then starts to put boots into Shani. Stunner from Sexy Star to Rosemary, then a spear by Rosemary! Rosemary goes up top, Sexy Star slams her down, and slaps on an armbar. Rosemary taps for the win. However, Sexy Star keeps going... and going... and jerking on it... and jerking on it. I counted, it's legitimately 13 seconds between Rosemary tapping and the hold being fully broken. The ref breaks it up and raises Sexy Star's hand, big celebration scene... I'll just let Rosemary tell the truth about what happened.



So yeah, Sexy Star was pissed off at something or other, probably Shani, and decided to make it every other woman's problem. Including trying to break the arm of someone who wasn't even involved. I'm glad her career is pretty much over. It's a shame, because this was a perfectly fine match when Sexy Star wasn't ruining it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #208
Tony Kozina vs. Ryan Kidd
Magnum Pro An American Wolf In Magnum - July 28, 2012​

Our next entry on the "why are people in wrestling so fucking awful to each other?" tour is this. It's a fairly obscure indie, and the only YouTube video on it is dead so I'm watching on the terminally slow Internet Archive mirror of it. Therefore, confession time: this one is actually being written well in advance (later Sky note: around the time I was on entry 185!), as I don't know whether the link will still be working by the time entry 200 comes around. The story behind this is that Tony Kozina is the veteran and his opponent is 16 years old. And Kidd did something that Kozina considered disrespectful. That, usually, is a recipe for someone getting stiffed. But, in this case? It got far worse. Let's go.

Kidd's apparently the babyface here. This is billed as part of the "Young Boy Trial Series" which, as far as I can tell, was Magnum Pro's initiative to have young talent face off against experienced wrestlers and probably lose. Like the Young Lion system but less predictable or stiff... most of the time.

Kozina soon gets out of the ring, gets on the mic, and shoots on Kidd for being "the fakest fake wrestler" or something. This is in reference to a YouTube promo in which Kidd, still in his glasses like the history nerd he probably is, calls Kozina Louis XVI and himself the French Revolution. Kozina declares a "real wrestling contest" and he wants the crowd to encourage Kidd to not give up, and oh no, oh fuck. I can tell exactly where this is going. And I hate it.

Kozina starts out by kneeling down, encouraging Kidd to attack, then rolling up in a little ball on the floor. When Kidd finally approaches, Kozina applies a bodyscissors and drags Kidd down. This is already just... bizarre. Kozina's keeping that bodyscissors locked on... only breaking to convert it into a headscissors. Kidd forces a rope break eventually. Next up Kozina lies prone, and when Kidd does the get-on-top-and-spin-into-a-front-facelock thing, Kozina reverses with some sort of crossface hold, before wrenching his leg with knees in the back. He grabs the arm so Kidd can't tap, and adds a bit of fish-hooking for good measure. Kozina pin, but Kidd keeps kicking out at one and eventually grabs the ropes.

Someone in the crowd seems to be telling Kidd what to do. Her sage advice is to choke Kozina with his own arm... and Kidd certainly tries. However, Kozina tosses him over and gives him several snap half-hatch suplexes in a row. Back to pins with Kidd kicking at one. Kozina puts on a camel clutch, and Kidd eventually reverses into a roll-up for one. Kidd goes for an ankle lock, which Kozina just does not bother selling, and kicks Kidd hard in the back. Then he does a silly oversell of his knee, as if he thinks Kidd's incompetent.

Kozina charges Kidd into the corner and unloads some pretty damn hard chops. He then whips him so hard into the other corner that the middle turnbuckle falls off. Kozina hits a jumping piledriver next, and you can see that Kidd's head is poking out under Kozina's legs. He was trying to break the LITERAL CHILD's neck. Fuck him. Kidd kicks out at two, so he goes for another... then wraps Kidd's arms around his neck in an attempt to choke him out legit. Then some pointed boots right to the midsection. Kidd keeps kicking out at one.

Kidd tries to go for a headscissors but Kozina is not co-operating at all, instead trying to split his legs open. Kidd is going for a Boston crab but Kozina instead tries to choke him against his knees. Another ankle lock attempt, Kozina just lies down nonchalantly before returning to kicks to the back. He might as well be doing a theatrical yawn, for how much he's turning this match into a joke. Guillotine choke attempt by Kozina. Kidd keeps trying pinfalls but can only get one-counts. Three arm drops, and that's it. Crowd's clapping. I'm not sure Kidd is breathing.

Truly harrowing. There was zero attempt to have an actual wrestling match. It was just Tony Kozina trying to bring direct harm to a 16-year-old boy. And the worst part? The response from his contemporaries was "understandable, have a nice day". Bad Luck Fale, in particular, said that Kidd had made a joke of wrestling and deserved every bit of it. For... cutting a YouTube promo? I have no context of this. At least we know why Kozina has steady employment in the Fale Dojo now, trying to cripple hopeful wrestlers down under. Fuck this match, fuck Tony Kozina, I'm getting the feeling that wrestling isn't good at all and it's just fucking cancerous shit.

 

[Chris]

Fale also brought a dude over for the World Tag League last year that drank an entire bottle of vodka before almost hitting a police car bc he decided to drive....and this happened like a week before tag league. Not near as bad as this but man he sure does keep good company huh

Also when do we get mass transit

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Fale also brought a dude over for the World Tag League last year that drank an entire bottle of vodka before almost hitting a police car bc he decided to drive....and this happened like a week before tag league. Not near as bad as this but man he sure does keep good company huh

Also when do we get mass transit

When I see actual video of it

But there will be a New Jack match in future, and by process of elimination you can tell what it is

 

[Chris]

When I see actual video of it

But there will be a New Jack match in future, and by process of elimination you can tell what it is

Wow I never knew its disappeared, the match was like the first thing new IWC people would find on YouTube once they discovered the lore. I think it wasn't in full necessarily but it was like 75%

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Wow I never knew its disappeared, the match was like the first thing new IWC people would find on YouTube once they discovered the lore. I think it wasn't in full necessarily but it was like 75%

Well damn, I looked it up, and there actually is video of it... Guess this thing just got extended by one more match.

 

[Rosie]

Fuck Bad Luck Fale.

 

[Chris]

Well damn, I looked it up, and there actually is video of it... Guess this thing just got extended by one more match.

I probably first saw it when I was like 11 and hadn't watched much ECW in general. I was so fucking confused, like I don't understand how the fans thought it was a wrestling match. It was just one weapon attack after another on a guy not moving for like 5 minutes

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #209
MASADA vs. Spidar Boodrow
Masters of Pain 2012 First Round Nightmare on Campbells Creek Drive Deathmatch
IWA-EC Masters of Pain - July 21, 2012​

Sticking with 2012... July 2012... late July 2012. Fucking hell, did everyone go insane in the latter half of that specific month? Anyway, this will be the first of three matches I'll see (and wish I hadn't) from the IWA family of deathmatch promotions. And I firmly feel that the only reason this was in IWA East Coast was because IWA Mid-South was on hiatus at the time. So, let's join everyone's least favourite woman-beating self-arsonist, MASADA, and some guy called Spidar Boodrow, in a match that is even labelled "Wrestling Shoot Fight" on YouTube.

There's a "we do a great birthday party" sign behind the ring. Imagine showing your children an in-ring attempted murder. There's a literal bed of barbed wire outside the ring. Like, an actual bed frame covered in barbed wire. Brawling from the start, in the corners. I get the feeling Spidar isn't selling too well, early on. He catches MASADA with a powerslam for two. MASADA teases a suplex to the outside, but Spidar knocks him off the apron. Commentary notes that it took 1 minute, 13 seconds for someone to go to the outside.

Spidar grabs what appears to be a plastic bat covered in thumbtacks, but MASADA blocks it and hits him in the head with it. Really hard. Like, seriously. Concussion-inducingly, if it weren't made mostly of plastic. And then he grabs a water cooler container on a stick(???) and smashes Spidar so hard in the head with it it smashes to pieces. He breaks off the stick and jabs it into Spidar's head wound. And then he pulls some skewers out of his pocket, and starts opening up Spidar even more before digging them deep into the top of his head. Then MASADA kicks Spidar in the head. Then he goes to the barbed wire bed and opens up Spidar's head even more with it. Fucking hell, it's overkill already and we're not 5 minutes in.

Spidar has to stop this by doing some stiffing himself, punching MASADA hard to separate them before using a second plastic bat, this time covered in forks. MASADA goes for an Irish whip into the ring post but Spidar reverses and sends MASADA into the crowd, where they walk-and-brawl. MASADA chucks a chair at Spidar's head. Then he chucks a garbage can at him. A real one, with real garbage. And also vomit. There's actual vomit on Spidar's back. Now I know how Dirty Dango feels. Spidar gets a chair and cracks it hard across MASADA's back. Apparently this spot legitimately pissed MASADA off. He'd expected Spidar to be fine with the unprotected weapon shots to the head, apparently, but not this!

This turns into a shoot punch-up really fast. MASADA goes for an atomic drop on the guardrail but legit smashes Spidar's tailbone into it. After using the guardrail as a weapon (including a fence-assisted kick to the head again) he shatters a kendo stick over Spidar's head. Not like kendo sticks usually break, the end of it is actually on a thread. Back to ringside, MASADA applies the kendo stick to that horribly abused head. He then goes to check for weapons in a bag, but Spidar rolls him into the ring, then checks himself... but changes his mind? There was a circular saw blade in there, and he decided against it. I know from video games that those are DEADLY. Spidar picks up a second jug-on-a-stick and hits MASADA, both outside and inside the ring.

Spidar may actually be brain damaged by this point. He goes outside to grab a weapon, throws it away, remembers he was meant to take it, and then takes it into the ring. It's a pillow full of tacks. He hits MASADA with it and then tears it open, but MASADA bulldogs him into the tacks. He then stamps Spidar's head into the tacks, as if this shit weren't gruesome enough. MASADA gets the saw blade and starts making Spidar bleed even more from the head. Does he even have any skin left on that forehead? You must be cutting into bone at this point. MASADA then starts fucking cheese grating Spidar's head. He grabs two more bats covered in metal shit, whacks Spidar in the head with them, then celebrates with one of them in his mouth like he's some badass when really he's just a piece of garbage.

Spidar finally gets up, using the jug-on-a-stick and dodging an enzuigiri. MASADA responds with a shoot superkick right into Spidar's head. The fans love him for this. He does a mounted 10 punches, as if the match was in any way normal by this point. Spidar hits MASADA with a genuinely bad-looking spinebuster for two. He grabs one more plastic bat, this time covered in barbed wire, and gets in a strike before grinding it into MASADA's head. You know, like usually happens in deathmatches, to give an opportunity to blade, leaving a bit of space so there's not too much hurt. Unlike what MASADA's doing.

Both men are up, starting to exchange forearms. Spidar collapses, though, and MASADA gives some legit Curb Stomps. Like, he wants to smash Spidar's face in for real. "American History X-style" -commentary. MASADA and Spidar go to the apron. MASADA seems to be trying to powerslam Spidar into the barbed wire bed, but he just... drops him. Tells gravity to take the wheel. MASADA puts a hand over Spidar's collapsed body for the pin. Spidar eventually gets to his feet and has to be helped to the back.

In later interviews, MASADA claimed Spidar didn't know what he was doing and he was just killing him for being a backyard wrestler. What. This fucker needs help. Saddening stuff.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #210
Ian Rotten vs. Peter B. Beautiful
King of the Deathmatch First Round Fans Bring the Weapons Match
IWA-MS King of the Deathmatch - June 1, 2001​

Sticking with deathmatches, and with the IWA family of outlaw mudshows. This was the third KOTDM in that promotion, and the opening round contained this match. Apparently Ian Rotten thought this Peter B. Beautiful character was too full of himself on the online message boards, so he invited him over to the KOTDM in order to beat him up (this would not be the last time this happened). Let's watch Ian Rotten be garbage.

Peter's gimmick is that he's gay (of course, that's what makes you a heel in Rotten-land). His nickname is the "Hardcore Homosexual". I am disappointed to report that no deathmatch promotion ever ran him against XPW's Angel to decide who would be the rightful holder of that title. It takes literally three seconds for commentary to call him a bundle of sticks. They sell him as a complete moron who will get killed soon. One nice touch, though, he comes out to Waitresses' "I Know What Boys Like". SUPERB entrance theme for a gay gimmick. Nothing like Ian Rotten's lame ass, being one of 5 million indie edgelords to pick "The Beautiful People".

Peter's already begging for mercy. Rotten immediately starts stiffing, with forearms and chops that are not sweetened one bit. "Kill the queer" chants begin as Rotten tosses Peter to the outside. First fan weapon is a plastic bat covered in tacks, followed by a rack of lightbulbs(?) and a wet floor sign right to the noggin. "Welcome to IWA, [type of English sausage]", says Rotten as he hits Peter in the face with a barbed wire lacrosse stick. He then gives what could be called a snap suplex if I'm being generous (really more of an awkward fall), on to a stack of light tubes. Rotten leaves Peter face-down on the stack of light tubes, then smashes some glass over his head.

Rotten gets a thumbtack-covered stick or something. All I know is, he's grinding Peter's head open with it. And then a plastic bat covered in lightbulbs, and he just keeps hitting him. We're back in the ring, and Rotten hits the most aggressive clothesline I've ever seen. Peter's just twitching in debris. Fans pass Rotten a chair... and he gives the most genuinely brutal unprotected chair shot to the head I've seen thus far. Rock vs. Mankind? Stevie Richards vs. JBL? Homicide vs. Rob Terry? Nah. This. There is desire to cause real harm here. Peter manages to get up before the count of ten, but into a second chairshot to the head, followed by multiple more while he's down. He looks like he's been in a car crash. That's it.

Fuck Ian Rotten, is all I can say. Apart from... that for the first time since drunk Jake Roberts, we have a new Worst Match of All Time. It's going to be supplanted immediately by the two we have next, and maybe some later, but... if you're Ian Rotten, reading this, FUCK YOU.