Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Bobby Barrows]

He was never a great Wrestler overall... it was purely emotions and passion and even though I shit on him nowadays a lot, I did give him credit for bringing that emotion and the amount of passion for the business to the ring back in the day.

I don't even know if I agree with that.

Out of the entire group of ECW Originals, Dreamer has always stuck out to me, ironically, as the, to use a Kevin Nash phrase, "vanilla midget" of the group.

He was by far the most bland and wonderbread character of the group and it begs the question why anyone ever got behind him in comparison to guys like Foley, Raven, Funk, and the Dudleys.

 

[Sky]

Entry #198
The Highlanders vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan/Super Crazy
WWE Heat - December 21, 2007​

Why a random Heat episode? Ask the four people who, this year, came to this match's Cagematch page and reviewed it 0/10 in short order. It was because the Deadlock boys watched it for one of their Patreon things, apparently. This is allegedly one of the unknown bad matches of history. I don't know about that. I've seen some BAD shit. But let's watch anyway.

We get a bit of the faces hyping up the crowd. Super Crazy vs. Robbie to start. They exchange standing hammerlocks. Robbie makes Crazy crossbody the corner before tagging Rory. Super Crazy dodges Rory's corner charges and does a nice armdrag. "Si, which means Yes, I believe" -Todd Grisham. Some members of the crowd are trying to start a Mex-I-Co chant. Duggan comes in and hammers away at Rory's arm all around the ring, before tagging Crazy back in. Rory tries to armdrag Crazy over the ropes but Crazy leaps over him and hits an armdrag himself. Rory gets a forearm, though, and tags in Robbie. In comes Duggan, who brawls away, gets some clotheslines, but Robbie goes low. The ref stops Robbie from doing a rope choke, which lets Rory snap Duggan's neck across the ropes for two.

Duggan tries to break out of a rest hold by grabbing the hair. He then starts no-selling, and brawling old school style with Robbie. Robbie takes him down by bashing his face against the buckle. Rory hits some stomps for two. They brawl in the corner. Rory creates a distraction whie Robbie chokes Duggan in the corner. Rory has a really light grounded chinlock, Duggan's visibly wriggling out of it even though he's selling it. Duggan recovers with elbows and punches. Then he goes for a headbutt and falls down. Not gonna lie, that popped me. I like the idea of Scotsmen having Samoan-like headbutt resistance. They don't call it a Glasgow kiss for nothing. Rory's falling headbutt gets two.

Duggan tries to brawl his way out of the corner but falls victim to a 2-on-1. In comes Robbie, who clubs away at Duggan's chest and hits a knee drop for two. Rory again, beating on Duggan and preventing the tag. Another very light chinlock. Duggan fights out, backs Rory into the corner to break it before collapsing in the middle. Finally we get the hot tag to Super Crazy, flying at Rory with a bunch of good luchador shit! Springboard dropkick! Triangle-jump thing into a headbutt! Standing moonsault for two! Robbie breaks up the pin. Duggan comes in to clear out Robbie. He nearly clears out the referee, which distracts him. Crazy goes for a monkey flip but Robbie pushes him off Rory, and that causes the pin.

Generally not a bad match. Jim Duggan was inoffensive. Finish was weird, though. No idea why Deadlock fans are trashing it.

 

[Death By Looch]

He was by far the most bland and wonderbread character of the group and it begs the question why anyone ever got behind him in comparison to guys like Foley, Raven, Funk, and the Dudleys.

Probably because he was pretty much the least outlandish Character out of those and therefore the one most people would probably connect with. ...and when that ball got rollin', it's easy to see why a lot of people think of Dreamer first when it comes to the OG ECW.

 

[Rosie]

While I'm at it, since Abdhullah actually already showed up in your reviews, can I just say I think Abdullah is one of the absolute worst wrestlers of all time to ever get over.

Dude was a hazard to himself and others, only got over because he would do some of the nastiest blade jobs known to mankind, and wrestled like shit losing its stink.

He had hepatitis, still wanted to bleed.

 

[Death By Looch]

And he can't read. ...except for restaurant menues.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

He had hepatitis, still wanted to bleed.

Yeah, every time I see him on my screen, I go to do other shit whether I'm watching old WCCW or JCP stuff. He's a miserable shit pile human being.

 

[Death By Looch]

Yeah, every time I see him on my screen, I go to do other shit whether I'm watching old WCCW or JCP stuff. He's a miserable shit pile human being.

At least he's miserable now. Not a great comeuppance, compared to how much harm he probably did over his career, but it's something, I guess.

 

[Sky]

Entry #199
New Jack vs. Vic Grimes
Street Fight
ECW Living Dangerously - March 12, 2000​

There's a very specific reason why I picked this for Match 199, and you'll find out at the end of this post. This is the one with the infamous "Danbury Fall". Why's it called that? Well, it took place in Danbury, Connecticut, but that's not important now. This one kicks off as a result of the previous match, between Balls Mahoney and Kintaro Kanemura, that lasted about a minute and ended in a beatdown by the Baldies. New Jack comes in for the save, beats up Angel and DeVito, including smashing DeVito's nuts with a crutch and PlayStation and hitting Angel with a guitar. Here comes Vic Grimes, and let the match begin. There's no bell, no ref, but let's say it's a match. ECW was always informal like that.

Grimes kicks right off by slicing New Jack with a pizza cutter. There's no cutting power in a pizza cutter, but it at least gives Jack the opportunity to blade. Jack responds by biting Grimes, before smacking a snow shovel off him. Grimes hits a low blow, sending Jack to the outside, then clotheslines him from the apron. Brawl into the crowd! Camera's trying its hardest to follow the resulting walk-and-brawl. Grimes gets someone's drink in his face. At a certain point, I have no idea what's going on. ECW cameras can only do so much. Grimes smacks Jack with a queue barrier post (that's a new one. I now notice they're in front of a scaffold. Yep, that's what the plan is.

Grimes sets up a table on the scaffold, then picks up the post again and continues the attack. New Jack is laid on the table, and Grimes stacks a second table on top. He's climbing the scaffold, but doesn't notice Jack getting up and following him. That scaffold does NOT look stable. They're gingerly brawling on top of it. Grimes is clearly looking down at the spot he's meant to do, and clearly getting cold feet. New Jack takes matters into his own hands, jumping off and dragging Grimes down. Yeah... it does not go well. Jack goes feet first through the tables, Grimes completely overshoots their remains, and lands with his full body on Jack's face. Huge E-C-Dub chant. Grimes is helped to his feet by staff. Jack notably isn't, as he's ended up with checks notes a broken leg, a fractured skull, permanent blindness in one eye, and brain damage. They actually show replays of it. Fuck.

Basic ass walk and brawl followed by one of the most stupid, ill-advised spots in wrestling history. On top of that, it involved New Jack. One of the most violent, vindictive individuals in wrestling history. So how's he going to feel about Vic Grimes after this? Sadly, we'll find out.

-----

And with that, we can officially announce what I'm putting myself through for Match 200. Like for Match 100, it'll not just be a singular match, but a series of matches. For 100 I took on Heroes of Wrestling, which ended in the harrowing Jake Roberts drunkenness incident... and this will be similar to that one. The theme for Match 200 is... matches that are bad because they're morally unthinkable. They're going to be a tough watch for various reasons, from clearly intoxicated wrestlers embarrassing themselves, to old guys who clearly should not be still in the ring breaking down, to wrestlers actively going out of their way to hurt each other. Needless to say, the bottom 10's going to look very different, very soon.

And the first of this series? New Jack vs. Vic Grimes, the return match, on XPW's Freefall.

May mercy come on our souls.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

As much of a shit bag New Jack is, this is one of those situations where I put the full blame on Paul Heyman. He booked this match, he booked that spot. He caused New Jack's injuries and further descent into shitbaggery.

Paul Heyman fucked over so many people during his tenure as ECW owner that it's amazing he never got involved with the New York mafia and we never saw him again in late 2000.

 

[Sky]

Entry #200
New Jack vs. Vic Grimes
Scaffold Match
XPW Freefall - February 23, 2002​

Tonight, on a very special edition of Bad Matches Thread...

Well, here we go. I keep thinking of matches to do here. We're into double figures and counting. But I figured I'd start with this. The "revenge match" from the Danbury Fall. In fact, this Friday it'll have been 22 years since this one happened. Let us begin.

We get a shot of what we're working with. A 40-foot scaffold and a massive stack of tables. Then we hear what we're working with, as New Jack's music hits. He comes out with all sorts of plunder while some fucking guy commentates with a horrible fake-Hispanic accent. New Jack promises he'll quit if he doesn't beat Grimes, and alludes to his fans helping him when he got in trouble with the law. No idea what this is a reference to. All he knows is, someone's not going to be walking out of here tonight. Also, he calls Grimes fat. To be fair, he's wider than he was in 2000.

New Jack starts by choking Grimes with a chain and smashing him with a keyboard. He then begins to shank Grimes with multiple forks (and yet, he criticised Abdullah the Butcher, figures). Grimes does get a bit of a fightback with an uppercut right to New Jack's little gangstas. He brings out a pizza cutter (just like the 2000 match! Continuity!) then uses what appears to be 5 of them taped together. The brawl now goes to the floor, where Grimes employs a "wet floor" sign. New Jack eventually fights back with a throat chop, then goes back into the ring for a makeshift barbed wire cat-o'-nine-tails, which he uses on Grimes' face. Grimes responds with a water jug. There's clearly different levels of violence here. Grimes uses the barbed wire whip himself.

New Jack grabs a camera cable, chokes Grimes and takes him to the ramp and into the railing. He then gives Grimes a driver. Not a wrestling move, he takes an actual golf club and hits him with it. He tries to toss Grimes back in the ring... but Grimes says "fuck that", and goes up the scaffold instead! New Jack goes up the other side. Slowly. Very slowly. To be fair, it's 40 feet, but the scaffold climb is taking a damn while. Jack makes it up first, and is kind enough to drag Grimes up for the rest of the way. They both gently brawl until New Jack hits a low blow. Grimes is leaning over the edge, they're going at a rate of about a punch every ten seconds. New Jack suddenly grabs a stun gun, shocking Grimes right in the neck with it for about 20 seconds, with several uses.

And then he tosses Grimes off.

It's seriously not pretty. Grimes overshoots, missing most of the tables, landing on the ropes, and bouncing back into the ring. He ends up with a broken ankle... but a few centimetres away, he could have landed outside the ring, and ended up with a broken neck. Opinion is divided on what this was. Either it was a worked-shoot attempted murder (New Jack and Vic Grimes apparently worked fine and took crazy bumps together before), or it was an actual attempted murder. Either way is absolutely horrific on someone's part. New Jack himself insisted that he had meant to try and kill Grimes, but you know how New Jack was. Complete psychopath. Of course he'd want us to think that. If it was a work, it's Rob Black's lowest ebb, including the penis spot. If it's a shoot... well, not much changes.

All I know is, I never want to remember this match exists again.

 

[Rosie]

Scaffold matches should never exist, period. Adding a 40 FOOT HEIGHT ONE!? NO THANK YOU!

And New Jack is the scariest motherfucker ever. If I was an independent wrestler and when New Jack was alive, a promoter wanted to book me against him, I'd refuse.

 

[Sky]

Entry #201
Scott Steiner (c) vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Sid Vicious
for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Sin - January 14, 2001​

This one will be a bit lighter, obviously, than the one where Attempted Murder Happened. But nevertheless, this one's going to be seriously fucked. A bit of housekeeping - this was advertised as a fatal four-way. Steiner, Jarrett, Sid, and a mystery man picked by Ric Flair. Who was this man? It was a mystery. Obviously. But it would be revealed tonight. Though not in the circumstances as WCW would have hoped.

Someone in the crowd has a foam Slapnuts guitar. Bruh. Flair comes out to say Mystery Man isn't ready yet, so the match is starting right now. Steiner goes to attack Flair but Jarrett convinces him to come back. It's effectively a 2v1 to start off but Sid's making it. He brawls with Steiner on the outside, then teases a chokeslam on Jarrett, but does a sidewalk slam instead. Sid hits the cornered punches on Steiner, though "hits" is generous as the shots are visibly awful. Jarrett whips Sid into Steiner's boot, Steiner hits a belly-to-belly for two. Rope choke/body guillotine combo by Steiner/Jarrett. Steiner hits a clothesline and elbow drop on Sid, but forgoes a pinfall to do push-ups in the ring. That's a pretty cool heel shtick.

The three men go outside, where Jarrett whips Sid, and Sid has to do a light jog towards the railing. Then Jarrett whips Sid into a Steiner belt shot. Jarrett and Steiner are so clearly bros here, but it wasn't explained why yet. Sid resists an attempted face-bash before throwing out some weak punches and a bad big boot. He seems to be setting up a powerbomb on Jarrett, but Steiner stops it. Backbreaker/fist drop combo for the heels. Jarrett takes the cover for two, then Steiner threatens the ref for making the cover. Double suplex attempt by the heels, but Sid does a pretty sick double spike DDT on both of them.

Triple down. Sid clotheslines both men, rallies. Big boots for everyone. Chokeslam to Jarrett for two before Steiner breaks it. Sid hits a Cobra Clutch slam on Steiner (you know, like the Khallas, except it doesn't suck). Jarrett gets clotheslined out and whipped over the railing. Cut to the back where Flair's brought out the mystery man. We cut back to the arena... and Sid's on the mat, and his leg's snapped right the fuck off. They'll replay the spot on Nitro, where Sid breaks it attempting a boot off the top rope. He can't move. And yet Steiner's still getting his heat. Out comes Flair's mystery man. Sid's still writhing on the mat. The mystery man attacks Sid, gently tapping him on the head. before Steiner makes the cover to mercifully end it.

And who was the mystery man? It was Road Warrior Animal. Crowd didn't care.

Generic WCW main event, featuring Sid therefore it sucked. No idea why they didn't just call it when Sid broke his leg. But they've GOTTA GET THE REVEAL IN! A reveal of a man who hasn't been relevant for years. Fuck you, WCW.

 

[Sky]

Entry #202
Goldust vs. Steven Regal
WWF Monday Night RAW - November 2, 1998​

This is another difficult one, but we're going on a run of difficult ones! The "Real Man's Man" was the low of Regal's career, as we well know. But what was the low of that? The night where he showed up intoxicated to a match with Goldust. Which is this night. Let's go.

Regal clearly isn't walking in a straight line. He cuts a promo, and he's slurring his lines and sounding awkward like Regal usually never does. He can still do his trademark disgusted face when Goldust shows up, though. Goldust's entrance is Velvet Sky-like, shall we say. Lock-up, and Regal does not look like himself at all. His lock-up is not right. Goldust does a kneeling hip toss, and it just looks bad. It doesn't seem clear why Regal is selling a move, there's so much space between them. I don't know whose fault it is, but yeesh. An exchange of wristlocks, then an even WORSE hip toss. Goldust is working the arm, and Regal struggles to kip up. He's stumbling. He tosses Goldust out of the ring.

Out comes Terri Runnels, coming out in the Marlena outfit. Oh yeah, there was the Goldust/Val Venis storyline. She tries to appeal to Goldust but isn't noticed. Regal's uppercut gets two, then he goes for a chinlock with his back to hard cam. A knee... thing gets another two. Regal's strikes just look really poor. Goldust hits a bulldog that at least sucks less than Trish/Jackie. Goldust teases Shattered Dreams, but out comes Kane to wipe out both men. He then tries to chokeslam the pregnant Terri but is stopped by staff.

Well, all I can say is at least Regal wasn't as drunk as Jake Roberts was. Or Andre.

 

[Sky]

Entry #203
Scott Hall vs. Konnan
WCW Fall Brawl - September 13, 1998​

Speaking of being drunk in the ring in the year 1998... hoo boy. Scott Hall was not having a good time with his personal demons on the best of days, and 1998 was one of the worst of days. With his own approval, they decided to turn his struggles with alcohol into an angle. A worked shoot drunknenness angle. What was it with 1998 and publicly battling your demons? This, Regal, Road Warrior Hawk's attempted Titantron suicide... There's gritty realism, and there's shit that's miserable to watch. This will be miserable.

Vincent out first (of course, there's always Vincent) followed by a Scott Hall who has a drink in hand and is in visibly "tired and emotional" state. Vincent has to hold his drink for him to go into the ring. If he's not shoot drunk, he's playing the part of a man drunk in the ring well. Shades of Jeff Hardy 2011. He struggles to mount the turnbuckle, in the ring where the match isn't even taking place. Oh no, he's got a mic. I don't know what's sadder, the fact that he's taking drinks mid-promo or that he doesn't sound much different from when he was kayfabe sober in the late 90s. Wolfpac is the most over faction, according to the survey, but Hall doesn't notice. Konnan is WAY over.

Scott Hall kicks off by... moving to the other ring. And then after dragging both Konnan and the ref to that ring, he moves to the previous ring. I hate this shit already. Hall does the toothpick throw, and Konnan responds with a crotch taunt. Hall works the arm for a bit before Konnan takes him down. More Hall arm work before Konnan counters and downs him again. Hall visibly struggles to stand up. Test of strength spot teased, but Hall's just trolling Konnan. Konnan strikes back, and a forward roll into a lariat gets a huge pop! Hall tries to go between the rings again but Konnan stomps him into the gap between the two rings. Hall responds by crawling underneath. Konnan gets into it with Vincent, but Hall fails to attack from behind, and Konnan gets him too.

Hall grabs his drink from Vincent... ugh. He puts Konnan in a standing surfboard stretch, his facials communicating not knowing where he is. He then visibly takes his knee away, and Konnan keeps selling like it's in there. Konnan reverses but gets his knee taken out. Return of the hold, with no knee so it's basically a double wristlock. Hall drags him into the corner, pushing the referee in with them, and kicks him in his nuts. The ref shoves him off and he collapses, so he's barely able to crawl over and get the two-count. Fallaway slam for another two.

Hall slaps on an abdominal stretch, grabs the drink from Vincent, and DRINKS WHILE HE'S GOT THE HOLD ON. Ughhhhhhh. Thankfully the crowd isn't watching as they're distracted by a fan fight. The hold takes forever. We go back and forth between Hall grabbing the top rope while the ref is distracted and arguing with the ref about it. Konnan puts on a stretch of his own but Hall tosses him down. Several elbow drops missed, Hall is stumbling like a clown, which would be good selling if he wasn't meant to be drunk. Hall shuts down Konnan's burst of offence with a clothesline. Top rope back suplex from Hall, then he struggles to stand and requests another drink before he can do the Outsider's Edge. This lets Konnan recover, kick the drink out of Hall's hand, then hit a facebuster and put on the Tequila Sunrise for the submission win.

Generic ass slow match, though it had the right winner... but I cannot look past the absolute horror that was that drunk gimmick. Hate this. There's more matches with drunk Scott Hall, but I'd rather not hate myself more than necessary.

 

[Sky]

Entry #204
The Filthy Animalz (Konnan/Rey Misterio Jr./Juventud Guerrera/Disco Inferno/Big Vito/Paul Orndorff) vs. The Natural Born Thrillers (Mark Jindrak/Chuck Palumbo/Sean O'Haire/Mike Sanders/Johnny the Bull/Reno)
Elimination Match
WCW Fall Brawl - September 17, 2000​

Speaking of not being in any condition to compete at a Fall Brawl event, fuck me this is a nasty one. A Natural Born Thrillers team takes on a Filthy Animalz and friends team. Why does it earn its spot here? For that, we'll need a bit of context. Paul Orndorff received an arm injury in a weightlifting accident in 1986. Because he was in the middle of his incredibly hot program with Hogan, he never rehabbed it until much later. This caused the injured arm to atrophy, notably being smaller than his other arm. By 1995, this had gotten bad enough that one entire side of his body was shrinking, and so he was forced into retirement. And yet, he was wheeled back out for this match. Why? Who knows? The Filthy Animalz needed a surprise, I guess.

(Housekeeping note: sources are divided on just how many people competed in this match. Some say 10, some say 12 - including the Network - and some say 14 with even Tygress getting involved. We'll ultimately never know, but I'm going for 12. Shawn Stasiak was injured and at the desk, and I hope Tygress wasn't actually involved?)

Orndorff comes out with a towel over his head. He's over, at least. Rey vs. Jindrak starts, with Jindrak overpowering Rey. Rey slides out, chases Jindrak around the ring post, gets him tangled up, then hits a slingshot leg drop. Rey tries a springboard crossbody but Jindrak counters into a sidewalk slam and FUCK that was clean. In comes Sean O'Haire, who leapfrogs Rey, making him crash into a standing Jindrak, then powerslams him for two before Juvi breaks it up. In comes Juvi who comes in with speed. O'Haire tries to gorilla press him but Juvi slips out. Stunner by Juvi over the rope. O'Haire catches a crossbody and gives Juvi a Falcon Arrow. Jindrak tries to alley-oop Juvi into an O'Haire powerbomb but Juvi takes him out with a headscissors. This match is actually good so far.

Juvi uses a headscissors to spin out Jindrak and in comes Vito, who comes in with power. Disco blind tags in, though, and gets a clothesline for two. Another sidewalk slam from Jindrak, O'Haire is in now, they both leapfrog Disco before Jindrak dropkicks him. O'Haire superkicks Disco but Rey comes in with a cheeky little kick. Neckbreaker by Disco. Konnan in now with his cool and very over rolling clothesline, and a facebuster. O'Haire stops Konnan in his tracks with a low clothesline. Konnan cleans up the Thrillers' corner while Disco interferes against O'Haire... but Disco gives the Chartbuster to Konnan by mistake! There's the first elimination.

Now Johnny the Bull vs. Disco. Someone's trying to start a "Disco Sucks" chant... yep. Johnny spinebusters Disco so hard his hat falls off, but misses a top rope leg drop. Vito refuses to tag Disco... so does everyone else. They hate him. That popped me. In comes Reno, and a Roll of the Dice ends Disco. I wish we'd gotten an instant replay, just so we could see how Reno's ill-advised ponytail swings as he does that move.

Vito/Reno staredown. Remember that storyline where Vito and Reno were feuding because Reno was dating Vito's sister? Then it turned out both were brothers? So we got an incest angle in WCW, back when Vince was trying his hardest to make one in WWF. Vito downs Reno with a Mafia Kick. Palumbo enters, tries to put on the Torture Rack, but Vito hits a spinning DDT for a pin that Johnny has to break up. Orndorff passes Vito a stickball bat and threatens Reno with it, but Reno ducks and Vito takes a kendo stick shot from the Thrillers' corner. One Roll of the Dice later, and it's 6-3. "If this turns into a 6-on-1 with Tygress, it wouldn't be the first" -Mark Madden. Wait, so Tygress is in the match? Filthy Animalz go for a team talk.

Juvi comes in with more pace, god I wish he'd been more reliable around this time, he was great. Top rope spin kick, Rey tags in, they double team Reno, Juvi hits a Juvi Driver, and Rey delivers a top rope Jeff Hardy-type crotch double leg drop (please tell me that specific move has a name) to take out Reno. Jindrak and O'Haire whip Juvi and Rey into each other and Rey rolls out. Juvi hits a top rope dropkick on O'Haire, then goes for a springboard crossbody but Jindrak and O'Haire catch him and give him Snake Eyes to the railing! Then they give him a double hip toss over the ropes into the ring! That's AWESOME. Seanton Bomb finishes Juvi (though I thought Rey was the legal man?) and it's 5-2.

Orndorff comes in, doing his best at a hot tag, and fuck me, his right arm and leg look wrong. It's like he was made of two different people. Orndorff clashes two heels' heads, hits Jindrak with an atomic drop, and then an elbow drop with the atrophied arm on O'Haire. Johnny the Bull whacks him with a kendo stick to the spine. No DQ called. Orndorff goes for his own stick shots and then his signature spike piledriver to take out Johnny. Jindrak and O'Haire come in to attack Orndorff. Jindrak goes for a springboard crossbody off his partner, but Orndorff ducks and Jindrak wipes out. O'Haire shows his athleticism. Orndorff fits a high knee, ducks Jindrak again, goes for the piledriver again... and collapses. He's not moving. O'Haire pins him quick for the elimination.

Rey and Tygress try to fight with O'Haire and Jindrak to a bit - including two Bronco Busters to Jindrak... Madden suggests a face full of Tygress could revive Orndorff. Facebuster to Sanders, and then to O'Haire, all around the referees trying to check on Orndorff. The match is eventually called off as EMTs need to intervene. We'll find out that he suffered a stinger trying to give that piledriver.

A man was nearly paralysed, all because you had to wheel him out into the ring for the sake of a surprise. Fuck. Such a great match, turned into a frightening one. I can't not include it here.