Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Hoss]

I thought it was kinda cool

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #187
Sal the Pal/Gaagz the Gymp/Dak Draper/Mims/Koa Laxamana vs. Judais/Max the Impaler/"Magic" Jake Dumas/Cody James/Alex Misery
Devil's Last Dance Ultimate Hardcore Team War
NWA Samhain - October 28, 2023​

Okay, we need to get past that unpleasant experience. I don't want to think about it anymore. It wasn't the finish. But we still have unfinished business with the year 2023! NWA Samhain was voted by this site, unanimously, as worst show of the year, and is also a Gooker winner! It's due, in no small part, to the matches that took place on it. We're running a five-match gauntlet here, one chock-full of stipulations. And the first stipulation is in the first match! In a match hosted by the often-brilliant Father James Mitchell, it's a 10-person tag team hardcore match, where if the heels win, Sal and the gimp are spiritually bound to the wrestling equivalent of Satan. Let's see why people didn't like this show, shall we?

James Mitchell's up on the stage, with women in skimpy outfits and James Mitchell masks for some reason. One knocks over the set. There are no rules in this match. Let's hope that doesn't mean New York Rules. He forgets to announce Alex Misery. The babyfaces come out to a piano lullaby. There actually are rules, apparently. A team gauntlet with elimination by pinfall, submission, or top rope, but when one side is completely out, one more member gets a last chance.

Max vs. Dak at first. Max's first forearms leave a bit of space, but become a lot more snug when Dak responds. I don't want them to be the heel, almost. I care more about them than most people in this company. After both competitors bounce off the ropes again and again and fail to shoulderblock each other down, Max tries to toss Dak but he saves himself at the last minute. Dak then just tosses Max over, and absolutely fuck this match. Fuck it with a rusty cactus. You just eliminated the only one worth caring about.

CJ (Magic Jake's manager, not Cody James) comes out of nowhere to give Dak a top rope headscissors. Alex Misery is the heels' second entrant, with a headscissors of his own that doesn't even look scissored for most of it. Commentary tells me Alex Misery is the son of Gran Apolo from old NWA-TNA? News to me, but I think he's more over with me now that I know that. He's an agile dude, hitting a nice cornered knee. Dropkick by Misery for two. Commentary wonders if the rules of the actual match are legal. Misery goes for a quebrada but Dak catches him, deadlifts him into a gorilla press, and tosses him out. Two things I like: flippy doos and feats of strength. Now the heels are at a real disadvantage.

Now in is Cody James, who attacks Dak from behind but gets a kneeling facebreaker for his troubles. Dak takes off his belt and gives a good ol' country whipping. James then breaks a cane over Dak's back, then hits a Big Ending (worse than a regular cutter) to eliminate him. Koa comes in like a real house on fire, telegraphs the spear, but eats a chokeslam. Koa rolls under the top rope while James celebrates with CJ... but goes for a dive over the top rope, and eliminates himself! Boy, these heels are looking stupid early on. He doesn't even sell it as a strategic sacrifice, he just didn't know the rules. "You fucked up" chants. CJ kicks Koa in the nuts, then Koa's valet Kallies, comes in to fight with CJ. With actual wrestling moves. Koa and Magic Jake come out to break it up... but Jake kicks Koa in the same place! DDT, and Koa's out.

Mims comes in, Jake spits whisky in his eyes, then hits a spinning neckbreaker on to the flask. Jake pulls out a cigarette and has a drag, then threatens to jab the cig into Mims' face. Mims counters and burns Jake's tongue, then hits a Big Strong Slam to finish Jake. Judais has to fight 3-on-1 now... but Max is coming back in? They get clotheslined by Mims. And then Judais comes in. It was just a distraction, and yet they sell it as Max not understanding the rules. To be fair, Cody James didn't either. Judais does somewhat weak-looking brawling, a series of slams, then sets up a powerbomb... but Mims headbutts him in the cock, converts it to a jackknife pin, and Judais is out!

Team Heel gets to choose their last chance entrant now, and it's Max of course! They lariat Mims' soul out of his body, then goes for a spear but eats a butterfly suplex. Commentary points out that it's TV Champion vs. Women's TV Champion. Judais brings out Max's TJPW International Princess belt, Mims catches it but refuses to use it. This gets him lariat'd to death. Gaagz is tossing plunder in the ring. Max wipes out the faces with a garbage can but gets their leg taken out. Gaagz pulls out a keyboard (Digital Destruction Match real?) hits Max with it, then TYPES WITH IT. Such a fun stupid spot. There's an IRONING BOARD under the ring. Gaagz sets it up like a table, gets his tongue out, then hits Max with a kendo stick. Max recovers, tosses Gaagz into the board, and lariats him out.

Sal the Pal is in and gives Max the comedy run-around, then uses a headbutt and some dropkicks which are no-sold. Max goes for a dropkick of their own, which is, shall we say, like when Jerry Blackwell tried to do it. It hurts Sal's wrist, though, which is enough for a lariat, then another with a chain, to take out Sal. Gaagz comes in to mourn his fallen friend... which means he's volunteered himself! Does no one here understand the rules? Max hits a Wasteland and pins Gaagz, taking the match for the heels.

And later in this show, James Mitchell would take cocaine live on air, and the rest is "stupid wrestling idea" history.

Anyway, this match. It's quite hard to rate. There are a few fun spots, and some of these people grew on me when I saw them (Alex Misery, for example) but the structure of this match was all wrong. You don't have the faces dominate early and the heels make a brave 3-on-1 comeback. It felt like too many people looked stupid in this match, as well. Too many people not getting what the rules are meant to be.

 

[Rosie]

It's tough to see Max make the list now.

They deserve better.

They deserve way better than NWA.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #188
Brady Pierce vs. Rush Freeman
Loser Leaves Town
NWA Samhain - October 28, 2023​

The second match in the Samhain gauntlet is the second match on the Samhain card! The Spectaculars explode as Brady Pierce take on Rush Freeman and one of them will be kicked from the NWA forever. As an added wrinkle little Rolando Freeman's the special guest referee. The Spectaculars are such a classic territory thing. Strippers and heartthrobs that aren't particularly attractive. Let's watch.

I hate the Spectaculars dance. Brady Pierce is dead serious. Rolando's wearing a crop top, and Tim Storm reckons the whole match should be disqualified just for that. I agree. Really basic action, straight out of the 2000s OVW toolbox. Brady shoulderblocks Rush down and does a mocking version of the Spectaculars dance. The number of headlocks reminds me of a young Randy Orton, and not in a good way. Rush gets a double leg takedown and goes for the ground and pound... so we're not only getting the 2000s men's offence, we're getting the 2000s women's offence! Just needs a hair pull. Fans seem to think Rolando's being harsh to Rush, but nah, he's just being a legit referee.

Brady waits out of the ring, then and in-and-out chase, and then a bit of brawling on the outside. Rush goes into the ring post face-first and then gets slammed into the apron. Rolando breaks up a ground-and-pound from Brady. Fans are booing Rolando just for being a referee, like when he breaks up a rope choke. Rush gets a boot up in the corner but eats a spinebuster. Brady looks to have it won, but Rolando uppercuts him right in his plums! Rush is about to get the pin, but Matt Cardona's music hits! He steals the timekeeper's chair, whacks Rolando and Rush with the chair... then kicks Brady in the dick and hits him too! He push Rush on top of Brady and makes Rolando's hand count the three. Is that the finish? Ring announcer tries to call it for Brady, he's just so confused.

Cardona grabs a mic says "the winner is whoever this guy is". He then cuts a promo that seems to last forever where he buries the NWA, Thom Latimer, Cleveland (because he's getting too many cheers), EC3, and then Billy Corgan. Corgan himself comes out, wearing a "zero" jacket (coincidentally, the number of fucks I give about him talking!). He challenges Cardona, who apologises? Corgan isn't a trained wrestler, why's he apologising? This is way too work-shooty for me. By the way I've timed it. This promo lasts longer than the match itself, by a factor of several minutes. Cardona looks like he's about to fuck off, then grabs the chair. He threatens to do it, but doesn't, Then Kamille runs out and spears him in a fur coat. What the hell was that waste of time?

Ultra generic match, over in a short time, and abruptly overshadowed by Matt Cardona coming out, interfering to force the result that was ALREADY GOING TO HAPPEN, and then taking the spotlight for double the time. Total nonsense.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #189
The Headbangers vs. The Southern 6 (Kerry Morton/Alex Taylor)
Rock 'n' Roll Match
NWA Samhain - October 28, 2023​

Match 4 on the Samhain main card now (because Joe Alonzo vs. Colby Corino was actually decent). The next match is a Rock 'n' Roll match, which was apparently not explained to the commentators at the start of the show, but they know what the stipulation is now... The stipulation is that every time you get a pin kicked out of, you take a shot. So it's a drinking game in wrestling form? Sure, why not at this stage. Kerry Morton and Alex Taylor against some relics of the 1990s, let's go. I'll be keeping track of the drinks.

The Southern 6 team come out with the bartenders and their shot glasses. Everyone except Kerry takes a swig off the bottle already, because he's apparently a lightweight, so the Headbangers pour whisky into his mouth. He asks for a kiss from a bartender in pink, but she slaps him. He eats a clothesline off the corner from Mosh for two (Mosh: 1 drink). While Mosh is taking a shot, Taylor attacks him, Thrasher tags in, and they do a double faceplant. Thrasher pins for two, so he has to take a shot as well (Thrasher: 1 drink). Taylor goes for a roll-up and Thrasher kicks out at 1 (Alex Taylor: 1 drink). Taylor puts an extra shot in his mouth so he can spit it in Thrasher's eyes.

Kerry and Taylor begin to use dirty tactics and double teams to weaken Thrasher. Both of them go for a leg-splitter (does that move have a name?). Mosh comes out to challenge Kerry, which gives a bit of referee distraction. Mosh tries to start a fan clap, commentary points out there's no proof that clapping works. Thrasher gets the boot up, hits a back suplex, and eventually gets a hot tag.

Kerry vs. Mosh now, and Kerry's stumbling around from the drink and from Mosh's offence. They go to the outside where Kerry throws bouncers at Mosh, who dispatches them. Taylor takes another drink because reasons? (Alex Taylor: 2 drinks) and then goes to the top rope, where Thrasher pushes him into a splash on everyone on the outside. Thrasher goes up and hits his own splash. "Holy shit" chants from an audience that has apparently never seen any match since 1990. Mosh chopping away at Kerry. He lifts up the skirt to taunt Kerry, but Kerry pins him with feet on the ropes to get an out-of-nowhere win. Kerry fucks off while Taylor shares shots with the Headbangers... before getting beaten up and taking a Stage Dive!

Basic tag team action, but the finish was really weird, and they didn't lean into the stipulation enough. I get the feeling that this was just concocted as an excuse for the Headbangers to get drunk. I mean, if you've got the pull...

 

[Rosie]

"Let's make a drinking game a wrestling match."

 

[Samoa Looch]

Sky.... you watched and reviewed Heroes of Wrestling, the Syringe in the Penis Match and now Samhain within only 3 and a half months. Do you need help or someone to talk to?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Sky.... you watched and reviewed Heroes of Wrestling, the Syringe in the Penis Match and now Samhain within only 3 and a half months. Do you need help or someone to talk to?

yes

 

[Samoa Looch]

Oh no... I knew it.

We are here for you, you know that.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

I need help

I'm going to watch the ICP's wrestling career in Twenty Twenty Fucking Three

(next post)

 

[Samoa Looch]

Fuckin' hell...

You have my sword, my bow and my axe.

 

[Rosie]

Blink twice if you are being held against your will.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #190
Violent J/Yabo the Clown/Ruffo the Clown vs. Vampiro/Bestia 666/Mecha Wolf 450
Riddle Box Match
NWA Samhain - October 28, 2023​

We skip over three matches, whose only crime was their mediocrity. So, sorry to Jax Dane vs. Blake Troop in a submission match, Pretty Empowered vs. Natalia Markova/Taylor Rising for the Women's Tag Titles, and Silas Mason vs. Chris Adonis in a Burning Lake Brawl for the National Title. Maybe if I make a Mediocre Matches Thread, they can go there! Along with that one Dick Murdoch match that is still in the good matches thread. I expect less than nothing from this one, though, given that it features Vampiro and three clowns (one Insane and two insane). Let's find out how much less than nothing it provides!

We start with a video package from Violent J telling us about the joy of boxes. God help him, he's having fun, even though no one else is. It's basically that Silent Night, Bloody Night match, but without the barbed wire Christmas Tree, just the weapons. The guy accompanying the Edgy Boys team is called Jerry Other, and I looked it up and he's the actual son of Jerry Only. At least he's not going to try his hand at wrestling unlike his father. Mecha Wolf has already knocked one of the boxes over. Violent J's handing out black balloons.

Starting out with a brawl between the luchadores and clowns while Vampiro and Violent J stare each other down. Eventually it switches up and after a bit of chaos, Ruffo the Clown (I believe it's Ruffo) is the only one left standing. He opens up the box, and it's a slingshot with ping-pong balls for ammo. They drop pathetically in front of their targets, failing to hit anything. The clowns have more luck throwing the balls. Luchas take control, and they pull out... are those toy lightsabers? Also, someone's obtained a skipping rope? Lightsaber to Yabo's nutsack. Vampiro and Jerry Other go to the big box and open it up... but it's just full of balloons, allowing the clowns to take control. Yeah, I can tell there will be nothing worth praising here. The Brothers of Funstruction go for boots to the back, and Bestia barely sells his.

Yabo opens another box, to reveal... RUBBER CHICKENS? Is that a Cody Rhodes reference? (this match is making me want to "finish my story" btw) Tim Storm claims that Violent J is "choking the chicken", rather than choking his opponent with the chicken. Another unboxing... and it's a bunch of merch, which the faces throw into the crowd. The dementia patient Vampiro enters, does some awful brawling, and botches a gets-the-feet-up spot with Ruffo (Ruffo's feet are way too high but Vampiro sells anyway). Double clothesline by the clown brothers, then one from Violent J. All the clowns try to pin but La Rebelion breaks it up. La Rebelion put on some pretty cool offence, call in Jerry Other to get some plunder... a SNARE DRUM. Which they use to attack the clowns. See, this could have been fun if it weren't so lame. Mecha Wolf then takes out Yabo with a kick drum cover.

Mark of the Beast on Ruffo is set up, but Ruffo recovers and forces Mecha Wolf to headbutt Bestia 666 in his balls. Sidewalk slam and leg drop by the clowns, and they don't cover, instead opening one last box. This box contains a pumpkin. Ruffo's about to use it but La Rebelion spray him with mist. Yabo tries to go in with a rubber chicken but Jerry Other hits a low blow. Ruffo gets pumpkin'd and double kneed, smashing the pumpkins. "Smashing Pumpkins" chant. Maybe there is good in the world. There's one more thing in the last box: a pie. Mecha Wolf takes it out, is about to use it on Yabo while Jerry Other holds him back... well, you know how this spot goes. Yabo pops a balloon in Bestia's face.

There's ANOTHER box, and it contains popcorn and a bag of tacks. Mecha Wolf feeds some popcorn and tacks to Yabo and knees him before taking his shirt off. Vampiro comes out and shoves both men off the top (Yabo lands with a nasty thud). It now comes down to Vampiro vs. Violent J, men who should not be wrestling. Violent J takes out Vampiro's knee, hits a boot nowhere near his head (thankfully), then hits what is allegedly a Nail in the Coffin (even though Violent J doesn't drop down at all, so it's just a scoop slam) for the win. The announcer calls it the "First Ever Riddle Box Match" and I pray it'll be the last.

I want to finish this review with a story. Every October event, the local indie I go to has a "Halloween Brawl". The stipulation being that all sort of Halloween-themed tat are legal weapons. I enjoy Halloween Brawls. So, why didn't I enjoy this match? I had to consider this myself. It's probably because my local indie lets the wrestling breathe most of the time, and doesn't take itself too seriously. Meanwhile, we're expected to act like these are actual weapons (the pathetic slingshot and rubber chicken come to mind) in a match made of two wasted talents, two old guys who shouldn't be wrestling, and the annoying fucking clowns. Hated this entire experience. Hated it.

 

[Rosie]

Why the fuck is Vampiro wrestling in 2023 when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2019, has Parkinson, and said "86% of his body has chronic arthritis." It is seriously a hazard to his health even stepping foot in the ring. The guy needs to rest, find some non-in-ring stuff to do, just go to conventions and meet fans, anything. Seriously. For fuck's sake.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #191
Blunt Force Trauma (c) vs. Mike Knox/Trevor Murdoch
Knights of the Round Table Match for the NWA World Tag Team Championship
NWA Samhain - October 28, 2023​

Our fifth and final step on the Samhain Train (that's a phrase that looks like it should rhyme, but doesn't) is the semi-main. There was one match between the Riddle Box match and this, where they sent Kenzie Paige and Ruthie Jay to die in front of a crowd that probably didn't care but still had probably the best match of the night. It's a Knights of the Round Table match. What's the rules for that? It's a tables match, but only ROUND tables are legal. See what they did there? Also Aron Stevens is barred from ringside, so it's just his charges (Marshe Rockett and Rodney Mack under masks) against Team WWECW. Make it stop please make it stop please make it stop

Since it's a Knights of the Round Table match, we get a bunch of people coming out like it's the world's worst themed restaurant. Two knights, "William the Wizard", a little person playing a jester, and allegedly Maid Marion (May Valentine in a cheap Ren Faire dress).

BFT are already being chased to the outside. They get into it with a fan which lets Knox and Murdoch attack. They're up on the stage and brawling. Knox and Murdoch are about to double suplex Damage (the tattooed one, Mack) through a round table marked with the England flag, but Carnage (the flabbier one, Rockett) stops them. Murdoch slams Damage on the stage to take him out briefly. Knox and Murdoch have Carnage back in the ring, and are beating on him like only 2000s WWE castoffs can. Knox even hits his incongruous crossbody. The faces go outside and pull out a few regular, rectangular tables from under the ring. There's an entire Damage return and beatdown of Murdoch that the camera misses. BFT hit a series of splashes and a spinebuster on Knox.

BFT set up their first non-round table, but Murdoch saves Knox. Carnage takes a double chokeslam through the non-round table. "If only this were a regular tables match..." it would be over. Damage recovers and clears house, DDTing Knox old school style. Murdoch tosses Damage out (the toss looks rubbish from both participants) and tries to superplex Carnage through a second non-round table, but Damage gets him and powerbombs him down. Commentary goes to look for round tables, and struggles. A FOURTH non-round table is found, leading to a "that's not round" chant. Murdoch does a low bridge to remove Damage from the ring while Knox puts Carnage through another table. No finish, still, because it's not round.

The little person comes in and punches Murdoch in his dick, then grabs a tiny table! "Little table" chants. Sadly it's not round so it can't end this. Murdoch boots the little man and chokeslams him through the table. "Holy shit" chants rise up somehow. Damage levels Murdoch, and they go to the apron, then Murdoch trips off, but it's to allow Knox to come in and High-Low Damage through the last remaining non-round table! Carnage hits a dropkick on Knox (missed by camera) and then walk-and-brawls Murdoch back to the stage where the round table is. Knox recovers, joins Murdoch, and sets up another High-Low... then one of the knights attacks the babyfaces! What? BFT double chokeslam Knox through the round table, covering him in a dinner platter. The knight reveals himself as Aron Stevens, of course.

Wait, if he was banned from ringside... shouldn't BFT have been made to forfeit the match, and thus the titles? Does NWA have any rules? Anyway, this was a match that was silly in concept and in execution. I'm just glad to be done with this show.