Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #174
The Yellow Dog vs. Johnny B. Badd
Bounty Match
WCW The Great American Bash - July 14, 1991​

Skipping past two matches (Richard Morton vs. Robert Gibson and Dustin Rhodes/Young Pistols vs. Freebirds/Badstreet) because they're apparently not bad enough for this thread, and moving on to this! Brian Pillman had recently lost a Loser Leaves match, and in typical fashion, didn't leave, but came back under a mask. There's a bounty for anyone who wants to unmask Pillman, and Marc Mero himself is looking to claim it. If Badd wins, he gets to unmask his opponent.

Yellow Dog (I'll just call him Pillman from now on, it's easier) comes out with an actual Labrador, who doesn't deserve to be associated with a show like this. There's a botch during Badd's entrance where they play the wrong music initially so he just stops. There's a "technical difficulties" break in the footage, and I'm reliably informed that it's Pillman (the babyface) shooting on "Johnny B. Gay" and leading the crowd in calling his opponent a bundle of sticks. The end of this chant is still lightly audible... so yep, it's something that they consciously cut. This was before even the Peacock cuts, too egregious even for 2014 WWE.

JR calls the Yellow Dog "Flyin' Brian" immediately which outs the gimmick right away. Starts with a few slaps before Badd takes over with a boot to the head. It's all very basic. Pillman hits a nice dropkick, then a big old chop to the chest that sends Badd rolling out. "He looks happy" -JR on Badd, hoping someone has a thesaurus. Pillman converts a crucifix hold into a sunset flip for two. He tries to bounce Badd off the ropes and roll him up, but Badd grabs the ropes. Badd goes to consult with Teddy Long but Pillman dropkicks him in the back. Pillman gets into it with Teddy on the outside but Badd comes out of nowhere with a clothesline. Attacks Pillman on the outside, but the crowd could not care less.

Back in the ring, it's a slap fight. Pillman goes for a crossbody (slipping a little on the corner) but Badd ducks. Badd gets a pretty nice top rope sunset flip for two. He tries to rip the mask (while providing some top tier facials) but Pillman stops him with a jawbreaker. Badd hits a high knee and appears to be lining up the Kiss That Don't Miss (which honestly rivals Tank Abbott's Phantom Right as one of my favourite names for Literally Just A Punch) but Pillman hits a German suplex. Spin kick and crossbody by Pillman, but Teddy comes in and tries to rip the mask, so that's a DQ. Teddy gets an Air Pillman to the face to wake up the crowd.

Yep, not great. Pillman's cool, and you can see the raw talent in Marc Mero (that sunset flip though), but he's still clearly too green for this.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

It's crazy to think that by 1995-1996, Marc Mero is probably one of the most underrated talents in WCW/WWF, probably the 6th best wrestler on WWF's roster within a few years before his leg injury destroys his mobility and career.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #175
Big Josh vs. Black Blood
Lumberjack Match
WCW The Great American Bash - July 14, 1991​

And right after that, we get a match featuring two guys with very different uses for axes! A lumberjack and an executioner! Black Blood is Billy Jack Haynes, made to put on a hood and billed from "a little town in France". Because being a medieval executioner isn't heel enough for Jim "The Turd" Herd's WCW, you've gotta make him FRENCH! This one's pitching 2.58 on that bastion of wrestling knowledge, Cagematch, so let's see why!

Black Blood is listed as being accompanied by Kevin Sullivan... but he isn't. One of the lumberjacks is Dick Murdoch, who I'm told only accepted this gig because he heard he'd get the chance to beat up "Black" something or other. We start with Blood brawling, and Josh giving some of that lovely territory-style flailing selling, before Blood tosses him to the lumberjacks. Rinse and repeat, but this time Josh lands among the babyface lumberjacks, who don't attack him. Josh comes back with some chops and a dropkick. Double axe handle sends Blood to the heel lumberjacks who take good care of him. Blood slips up somehow?? and Josh does that log-rolling big walk on him. Such a crap move.

Josh sends Blood to the babyface lumberjacks, and finally we get some lumberjack beatdowns again. They keep teasing a lumberjack brawl. Josh mounts the corner to attack Blood but gets flapjacked into the turnbuckle. We get a high camera shot ("Scaffold Cam", says JR) as Blood gives Josh a Snake Eyes. A cross chop sends Josh out to the face lumberjacks... but the heel lumberjacks get into it, and we have a lumberjack brawl! Finally, something interesting, and it doesn't involve either competitor. I do quite like that Black Blood's moveset is quite decapitation-themed, targeting the head and neck with knee and leg drops. Josh gets the boot up to stop the offence.

Tellingly, as soon as the brawl ends, the crowd immediately dies, even when Big Josh gets his big comeback. He goes for a corner splash but Blood gets the boot up. The crowd heats up again as the lumberjack punch-up resumes. Black Blood gets his actual axe out and appears to be trying to use it to actually chop Big Josh's head off, but Dustin Rhodes grabs the axe handle that Josh was carrying and whacks Blood in the knee with it. This lets Josh gets a small package for an ultra-fast count and win.

Very tellingly, the crowd was only interested in what happened outside, rather than what happened inside. But I wasn't interested in either.

 

[Rosie]

Big Josh, the inspiration for @AON tag team in FWA, the Lumberjacks.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #176
El Gigante vs. The One Man Gang
WCW The Great American Bash - July 14, 1991​

And so, this three-match block (but only the fifth of six matches) concludes with an El Gigante match. Yay. Gigante's been feuding with Kevin Sullivan's boys in 1991, and part of that was shaving off his atrocious mullet. Couldn't make him good at wrestling though, as we're about to see. This got minus half a Meltzer star, so let's see why.

Gang looks more unhinged than usual, even forgoing the denim jacket. We get a brief interview where Kevin Sullivan talks in riddles, but what I think he's saying is that Gang is Going To Win The Upcoming Match. Gigante comes out with a bunch of little people (because how else do you know he's TALL??) who are dressed up as members of Sullivan's stable. This leads to the typical comedy spot where Gang and Sullivan are given the run-around by four people who are only about as tall as Gigante when put together. This is supposed to sell the heels as serious?

Gang tries to run for it but Gigante tosses him back in, demonstrates one of his few moves (a forearm to the back) and stands still while Gang bounces off him. Gigante chases Gang around the ring, then when they're back hits a hip toss. Then some corner charges which are so obviously pulled that it's not even funny. Gang dodges another corner attack and hits a second-rope clothesline that makes the big lanky bastard go all wobbly. Sullivan passes Gang a wrench which he uses to choke Gigante while the referee is distracted. Sullivan tries to rope choke Gigante but can't reach (or maybe Gigante just forgot that was the spot). Gang grabs the wrench again and uses a distraction to hit Gigante in the knee with it. Sullivan demands the cameras not focus on the discarded tool.

Now it's time for Gang to work the knee. Which he does with stomps, then distracting the ref so Sullivan can have more wrench fun. He then gets an eye rake which looks more like an ear brush. Gang hits a splash and pins with rope assistance, but Gigante kicks so hard he flies off. So, we've learned: Gang is to Gigante as Dink is to Bam Bam Bigelow, in terms of size. Gang goes to the top rope but Gigante tosses him off. Or at least, he does after Gang shouts at him to get the fuck in position. Gigante flails his arms about and gets a suplex (an actual wrestling move, holy shit!). Gigante clashes Gang's head into Sullivan's, then does a head vise on the latter. Gang gets some powder but Gigante kicks it into Gang's face. One rubbish back clothesline later, that's your lot.

When that wasn't boring, it was embarrassing. El Gigante is just plain awful.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #177
Rick Steiner/Missy Hyatt vs. Arn Anderson/Paul E. Dangerously
Steel Cage Match
WCW The Great American Bash - July 14, 1991​

Thankfully, the next two matches (Sting vs. Koloff in a Russian Chain match and Luger vs. Windham to decide who would get the Florida Tag Team belt with "WCW" grafted on the front) were at least passable, though buried by the crowd. But there's one more match, designed to send the crowd home happy. Rick Steiner and his manager vs. Arn Anderson and his manager. This is a Meltzer DUD... and we're going to push through. One more match.

Before the match, though, out come the Hardliners (Dick Slater and the aforementioned Dick "The Klan Man" Murdoch) to kidnap Missy Hyatt before she can get into the cage. Apparently this happened because WCW didn't bother checking if the local commission allowed intergender wrestling. God, local wrestling commissions fucking suck.

Guess Rick's doing this alone, then. Long staredown, Rick threatens Paul a bit, who screams like a little bitch. Arn tries and fails to bash Rick's face into the cage. Rick catches Arn's leapfrog attempt into a powerslam, which is cool. Then he threatens Paul, which lets Arn get a knee in. Rick catches a running Arn, and looks like he might be trying to go for a Hart Attack-type move, but of course, he's got no partner. Paul gets a shot in from behind, then chokes Rick with one of his own boots. Rick hits Arn with a clothesline. Paul tries to climb the cage to escape but he gets slammed and clotheslined too. That's your match. Your main event.

Well, that was completely pointless. Glad the show's over, though.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #178
The New York Rules Battle Royal
WCW World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender's Hardcore Battle Royal
WCW Thunder - May 3, 2000​

Here's a real oddity that I was going to have to talk about eventually... NEW YORK RULES! So basically, Vince Russo is a fucking maniac who does not care about the structure or logic of wrestling. So he decided to book an entire episode of WCW Thunder (already the worst weekly wrestling show you'll ever see, unless more episodes of XPW TV resurface) around randomly drawn matches under "New York Rules". Those New York Rules being: there's no disqualifications, no count-outs, and no referee, so you have to count your own pinfalls. This means every match is decided completely arbitrarily. There's seven different New York Rules matches on this show, and all of them are basically the same: chaotic interference, and then you think there's a winner but there's probably not. The last match, however, is a battle royal in a class all of its own.

It occurs to me that I've never done a proper battle royal. A Royal Rumble, yes, but never a battle royal. So I think it'd be best to outline the participants. First, for the New Blood:

• Billy Kidman
• Mike Awesome
• Ernest "The Cat" Miller
• Shawn Stasiak
• Chris Candido
• The Wall
• Jeff Jarrett
• Shane Douglas
• Buff Bagwell
• Vampiro (who is sporting a gory complexion after receiving a bloodbath intended for Sting)

Bischoff cuts a heel promo on the old guys and the crowd couldn't care less. Out comes Ric Flair and the rest of the Millionaires' Club, and Flair challenges the New Blood to the battle royal itself, for a title shot at the Great American Bash (because the Slamboree main event is already set). This leads to the entry of:

• Ric Flair himself
• Hugh Morrus
• Brian Adams
• Curt Hennig
• Hulk Hogan
• Sting
• Lex Luger
• Horace Hogan
• Diamond Dallas Page
• Bryan Clark

So, a 20-man battle royal, which becomes 22 with the addition of two more (who presumably jump the rail, as they're never seen going down the ramp):

• Scott Steiner
• Chris Kanyon

And it starts with... no one being eliminated. There's not the room to swing a cat in that ring, and yet no eliminations. Just a mass of humanity hitting each other. For three minutes solid. I literally have nothing to say, there's just punching and hugging. The first attempt at an elimination is by Awesome on Kanyon, but it doesn't work. And OH JESUS THERE'S MORE PEOPLE. As far as I can tell, this lot is now involved:

• Konnan
• Rey Misterio Jr.
• Bam Bam Bigelow
• Ron Harris
• Don Harris
• Disco Inferno
• Big Vito
• Johnny the Bull
• Stevie Ray
• Big T
• Cassius
• Norman Smiley

For those keeping track, that puts us up to 34. And FINALLY we get our first elimination as Bigelow takes out... I think Horace? Probably Horace. And here comes another one!

• Tank Abbott

And Tank's out in a shirt, bemused at whatever the hell's going on. Ric Flair and Shane Douglas are on the outside, which might mean they're eliminated, but I have no idea. Flair hits Douglas with a pipe, and then cracks Konnan in the ankle with it. Konnan doesn't even notice. Douglas uppercuts Sting in the nuts. Commentary doesn't know whether Tank Abbott's even in the ring. They're as lost as I am. Kanyon's finally out. What the actual fuck is going on. KroniK are rope choking Jarrett. Curt Hennig out. Steiner's challenging a referee (apparently there are referees for just this match). KroniK are out and the camera missed it.

We go to a break and there goes my last chance of keeping track. I'm done. I'm just going to say stuff as it happens. Norman Smiley almost goes out. Buff Bagwell gets tossed, Luger follows, and smashes his face about two feet away from the turnbuckle. Camera catches this obvious miss clear as day. Sting and Vampiro eliminate each other and fight into ringside. Steiner and Hugh Morrus are both out. Wait a minute, wasn't Hugh Morrus fired? Wasn't that the start of the Misfits in Action storyline? Seems it doesn't matter, because at some point, the other members got in:

• Chavo Guerrero Jr.
• Van Hammer
• Lash LeRoux

And then Van Hammer goes out off camera. "And we've got ladies! Of course we've got ladies coming in!" says Tony Schiavone, as Russo refuses to stop entertaining the idea of a woman winning the World Title in WCW.

• Madusa
• Asya

And here comes another one!

• Mona

If you were ever asked the question "what one match connects Tank Abbott with Molly Holly?" there's your answer. What the fuck, again. They're talking about DDP vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. David Arquette in the READY 2 RUMBLE TRIPLE CAGE MATCH. Fuuuuuuck, that's something I'll have to deal with. And all the World War 3s, too, because they're all fucking awful. And incomprehensible, like this. Wall and Awesome are applying nerve holds to Hogan. And just when I thought we were done... a 42nd wrestler enters!

• "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan

In janitor garb, and not caring that he's no longer TV Champion. He starts cleaning house in favour of the Millionaires' Club. 2x4 shots to everyone. Duggan eliminates himself for no reason. We cut for no reason to a limousine which is housing a mystery man in black, whose gait suggests that he's been through a lot of lower body surgeries and replacements. Tony calls Hulk Hogan "Terry Bollea" for seemingly no reason. He then floats the idea of Jarrett winning and getting a title shot at the Great American Bash. Imagine if Jarrett had won the Slamboree match and this match... he'd have to wrestle himself. That's the sort of meta Russo loves. Finally the mystery man enters and it's...

• Randy Savage

All the New Blood members freeze as the Macho Man gets another mass elimination spot for the old guys. So many New Blood names dead. Then Savage goes out through the ropes to attack Candido, which I think they're counting as being eliminated. Must be a Divas battle royal (and they certainly were backstage, wink). Nice way to end your WCW run for good, Savage. DDP and Jarrett eliminate each other, which leads to an "interesting" final four of Hogan, Flair, Douglas, and Kidman. Typically for the Hogan/Kidman feud, Hogan buries Kidman... FUCKING HELL THERE'S ANOTHER ONE

• Bret Hart

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the injured and seemingly-retired Bret shows up to hit Hogan with a chair. Hogan goes under the ropes, which apparently is an elimination. Don't be surprised to see him complain that he never got eliminated afterward and take the shine off the real winner (second World War 3 reference in this post). Bret just fucks off right after, ending his own WCW run. Hogan eliminates Billy Kidman like a bad loser, like he did to Sid in 1992. DDP and Jarrett are battling on the stage... OH FUCK OFF

• Vince Russo

I think he's meant to be an entrant? There doesn't seem to be a barrier to entry in this match. He comes out with a bat, tries to hit Flair, hits Douglas instead, but CAMERA MISSES IT BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID FUCKING MORONS. Can you tell I'm pissed that this match is still happening? Flair chases away Russo before hitting a Home-Run Contest-worthy smash on Douglas to win.

While Flair's celebrating, something happens with Hogan, Kidman, and steel steps, but Bischoff comes out, grabs a bat, and sends Hogan through a table. DDP and Jarrett are battling on the scaffolding. David Arquette comes out with a guitar, and IMMEDIATELY falls through a gimmicked hole that either Jarrett or DDP was meant to go through. Savage challenges Bischoff and protects Hogan, setting up something that never happened. DDP went through that hole off-screen, apparently, because Jarrett is standing tall. What the fuck.

Well, if that wasn't a colossal shitpile I don't know what is. 45 people got physically involved in this match. And not a bit of it feels like it matters. Just throw a bunch of people in there for the sake of it. Awful stuff. Unwatchable.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Classic late-stage WCW Russo-riffic bullshit.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

This isn't an entry, just a quick question for my dear friends. Entry 200 is fast approaching, and I'm aware there are a lot of serious matches that I've still to do. Matches that just shouldn't have happened, and it's morally repugnant that they did. Think Ric Flair's last match or drunk Jake Roberts.

My question is: would you be willing to endure me going through several of those in a row, or would it just be too "dark" and I should spread them out?

 

[Chris]

I don't really have an issue. The Jake stuff is actually easier to watch now that he got himself clean. As bad as it was, it was a lot worse the first time I saw it when he was still pretty fucked

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

I think it'd generally be fine.

 

[Skyefire]

I've GOT to watch that battle royal now. Sounds too ridiculous to pass on.

 

[Storm Trooper]

This isn't an entry, just a quick question for my dear friends. Entry 200 is fast approaching, and I'm aware there are a lot of serious matches that I've still to do. Matches that just shouldn't have happened, and it's morally repugnant that they did. Think Ric Flair's last match or drunk Jake Roberts.

My question is: would you be willing to endure me going through several of those in a row, or would it just be too "dark" and I should spread them out?

What we want is not important. What do YOU want.

watching all that type of stuff would have to be incredibly difficult to watch in a row. Whichever is better for you is what is important.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #179
Tyrus (c) vs. Matt Cardona
for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
NWA Nuff Said - February 11, 2023​

Finally, we get our first look into 2023... I say "finally" as if it's something that was hotly anticipated rather than dreaded. This'll be centred around the shortlist for the "Worst Match" award this year, which was won by a certain XPW match. One of the matches is Tyrus vs. EC3, in Tyrus' last match. But why not go through the rest of them now? We've seen the start and we'll see the end, let's "enjoy" ourselves with the middle. Tyrus had five title matches as champion, and this is the first! NWA Nuff Said, an event named after Tyrus because he is The Star. He's up against former champion Cardona, who wants the title he never lost. Can he carry this match? No way. But let's watch him try.

Bully Ray's on commentary, and he's disappointed that Velvet Sky won't do commentary with him. At least the commentary will be slightly better for this one. Cardona's entrance gear makes him look like a discount Road Warrior. Tyrus looks about as out of it as George Steele was at Heroes of Wrestling. "Tyrus is in better shape every time I see him" LOL.

Lock-up, but Tyrus just tosses Cardona off. Then again, but he goes down to the mat face-first. Cardona rolls out of the ring to rest, and fucking hell we're already on stalling for time. It's not even been a minute. Third lockup, and Tyrus does what commentary calls an armdrag. Cardona briefly gets momentum with a boot to the chest but Tyrus shoulderblocks him down. More stalling. Cardona tries to go up the ramp and threatens Bully Ray on commentary. Tyrus comes out, attacks, and walks him back to the ring. Cardona crotches Tyrus on the middle rope. Cardona dropkick gets two.

Cardona attacks the legs and eventually brings Tyrus down, where he goes for the beatdown. Tyrus does get a few shots in, but he's mostly lying on the mat as Cardona tries to get something out of him. Cardona's neckbreaker gets another two-count, as does a running boot (probably meant to be the Broski Boot/Reboot, but he can't drag Tyrus into the corner for it). Back to the attacks to the leg. Cardona locks in a Figure Four, Tyrus tries to turn it around (slowly), but Cardona gets a rope break. Tyrus gets to his feet, Cardona goes to the ropes for a flying nothing, but Tyrus pushes him away. Time for Tyrus' comeback spots. He hits a slow corner splash, but misses the second. Now we get a proper Reboot. Three in fact. Tyrus still kicks out, though.

Cardona argues with fans to give a gassed Tyrus more time to work with, then grabs the Ten Pounds of Gold. He argues with the ref over it, which leads Tyrus to bump the ref with a Heart Punch by mistake. T-bone suplex, then elbow drop (barely running the ropes as he does it), but it's only a visual pinfall. Rolando Freeman comes out to whack Tyrus in the back with a chair, but gets no-sold and suplexed. Cardona goes for chair shots and a belt shot, dazed ref makes the slow count, Tyrus kicks. Cardona argues with the ref, dodges away, and a Tyrus corner splash bumps the ref AGAIN. Here comes Mike Knox with a crossbody and big boot to Tyrus! Knox grabs the bell, but Bully Ray comes off the commentary booth and stops him. Bully Ray argues with Cardona, which lets Tyrus get the Tongan Death Grip and slam for three.

Post-match, Bully Ray respects Tyrus, in a promo containing more sincerity than his entire TNA run. Tyrus says 10 million people are watching him in NWA, off by a factor of 7 figures.

Completely nothing wrestling for like ten minutes, then overbooking shenanigans to give Tyrus the win. I think we're establishing a pattern. What match needs two ref bumps, let alone Mike Knox involvement on top of that?

 

[Rosie]

You know what's sad?

I'd rather see Mike Knox as world champion than Tyrus. At least during his weird-push of 2009/2010-ish, he had a scary look, and could move decently well (Also that crossbody in his prime was solid)