Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

Entry #158
Tyson Tomko vs. Stevie Richards
WWE Unforgiven - September 12, 2004​

AND NOW FOR OUR MAIN EVENT! Continuing from last post... Mystery Woman has just DDT'd Tomko. Tomko interrupts post-match commentary by demanding the Mystery Woman come out. He immediately clocks that it's a man in drag (as did the crowd, and seemingly everyone but Jerry Lawler). This is a match now.

Tomko immediately downs the Mystery Woman with a punch, then starts tearing his clothes off. All the while, he's huddled on the ground like a luchador who's been unmasked. Once more clothing has been pulled off, it's revealed that (1) yes, it is Stevie Richards, and (2) he's wearing a bra but not panties. Guess he never learned the art of the tuck. Tomko takes the material being used to pad Stevie's bra and stuffs it in his mouth. He then puts the wig back on him and punches him. The bra is now ripped off so it's just Stevie in his skivvies. Crowd lets Tomko know he sucks.

From here on, this is really just a beatdown. Featuring lots of chokes. Rope chokes, boot chokes, corner chokes, you name it! One fan chants "Boring" directly into his own hand so it's barely intelligible. It's an extended heel murderfest. Stevie is trying to rally but the crowd could not give less of a shit. He starts no-selling (Stevie-ing up!) but that means Tomko just hits him harder. Stevie gets the first pop of this match by grabbing Tomko really hard in his testicles. This is followed by a corner beatdown that doesn't recover the heat. However, Stevie tries to recover his bra, which gives Tomko the time to hit the Argentine neckbreaker for three.

What the hell was the point of that? Crowd didn't pop for the reveal, they didn't care about Tomko's offence. It was just a humiliation of Stevie Richards. This achieved negative value for both men. No one got over.

Gotta love the transphobia

 

[Chris]

One of the strangest angles I've ever seen die right before my eyes lmao

 

[Sky]

Entry #159
Trish Stratus/Ashley Massaro vs. Torrie Wilson/Victoria
WWE Unforgiven - September 18, 2005​

Fuck it, Unforgiven binge, why not? I decided to check Unforgiven 2005, and there's two potentially bad matches in that. Also, both are relatively short. On the show that had that GREAT match involving Matt Hardy defeating Edge in a steel cage, as well as Chris Masters' best match vs. HBK, and Cena vs. Angle for the title... we're kicking off with the second match on the card. A Divas tag. Yay. Trish is recently back from injury, and they cared so little about the women's division back then that they let her sit on the title for the 4 months she was out.

This is also the PPV debut of the 2005 Diva Search winner, the much-maligned Ashley Massaro, often held up as an example of a Diva who just could not wrestle. That's not fair. She wanted to wrestle, being one of the few Diva Search contestants who was actually enthusiastic about the business. But they only trained her in whatever moves she'd need that night, and left her hanging. I hate how they treated her. Not to go all "Diva stan" on you all, but she deserved better. Where was I? Oh yeah, this match.

Torrie and Victoria are accompanied by both Candice Michelle and a tiny dog. Please don't piss everywhere. Pre-match Torrie is taking shots at Trish and using Victoria as a human shield. Victoria shows us why she's too good for this sort of thing by giving us a really clean looking bridging neck crank submission. Trish dodges a corner charge and hits a headscissors takedown. She briefly pops over to the corner to take a shot at Torrie before going for some chops. Now in comes Ashley. Ashley goes for some boots and hits a straight-arm clothesline (as in, she doesn't lean into it even a little). She does an unnecessary cartwheel over Victoria's body, followed by a dropkick, but Torrie breaks it up and tosses Ashley out. Candice on the outside chokes Ashley a bit with a robe she's wearing.

Victoria hits a slingshot leg drop (Psicosis would be proud) and follows up with a headscissors hold and a sleeper, targeting the neck. Tag in to Torrie now. Ashley's kind of selling, but not really, she gets up after a few seconds of every attack. Now Victoria again who knees Ashley in the face. Ashley is basically face in peril now, but she's underselling which is weird. Torrie distracts the referee so he misses Trish's hot tag. Victoria goes up top but Ashley hits the ropes and drops her. Now Trish gets the hot tag.

Trish hits a headscissors but Torrie kills her momentum by pulling the hair. Victoria sets up the Spider's Web but Trish converts into a headscissors. Matrix dodges, she takes on both heels 2-on-1, spinebuster, but Candice distracts the ref to stop the pin. Trish and Ashley both attack Candice. Trish looks like she's about to set up Stratusfaction, Torrie comes in, so Trish does a headscissors/headlock driver thing on both women. Chick Kick to Victoria, that's it.

Not a bad showing. Ashley obviously isn't great, but I can't blame her for that. I get the feeling that Cagematch and Meltzer underrate these Divas tag match just because the Divas era had a reputation.

 

[Sky]

Entry #160
Big Show vs. Snitsky
WWE Unforgiven - September 18, 2005​

And now for the second match of the evening that will be covered for this thread. As to why this isn't well received? I get the feeling that it's Snitsky's fault. Or maybe it's smiling babyface Big Show. That's always unsettling. This is a forgotten big man feud that, apparently, involved a lot of shots with the ring bell. I can't trust that that's true, because no one remembers it. Also, ZZ Top are in attendance tonight. At least they'll get to see some good matches later.

We kick off with the two big men just going at each other. Show's probably tired in the initial beatdown, he slows down within 10 seconds. Every shot just crumples Snitsky. Show uses a boot choke like faces do, and Snitsky stalls a bit outside the ring until Show attacks him. Slowly. He hushes the crowd so everyone can hear his big slap, which is cool. Snitsky stalls some more. Both men take it in turns gently running into the ring post. Snitsky starts trying to work the shoulder with ring post stuff and then an arm lock of some sort. We cut to a replay of 3 weeks ago because Coach wanted to see the replay again. Helpfully, nothing happens in the interim.

Show tosses Snitsky off but Snitsky continues to hit the right arm. Show tries a chokeslam but Snitsky easily counters (oddly, they don't play it as being due to the weak arm, but instead just because Snitsky was able to drop off. Snitsky trips Show so he lands shoulder first into the corner, then hits a back suplex on him! I'm a sucker for feats of strength. It gets a two-count because Snitsky taunted before the pin. Big lads crash into each other. Snitsky gets a big boot for two. Now more shoulder-based heat. Show has to fight out and hit a spinebuster.

Show kips up with a rope assist... unfortunately, it's putting his weight on the injured arm, which Should Not Work! Now it's time for the babyface comeback, which if you're Big Show means: clotheslines, headbutt, corner splash, shoulderblock, chokeslam (Show's shoulder is fine). That's it. Post-match, of course, Show grabs the ring bell, and hits Snitsky with it. Then he teases leaving and comes back to hit him again.

I was willing to give this match a lot of credit for having an actual in-match focus rather than having its heel heat segment just be rope chokes and chinlocks. But then they completely ignored the arm work. Bleh.

 

[Kenoh]

The story of Ashley Massaro is a sad one because she wanted to be train properly and everything, but it never happened.

 

[Sky]

Entry #161
The Brothers of Destruction (c) vs. KroniK
for the WCW World Tag Team Championship
WWF Unforgiven - September 23, 2001​

I could go on with Unforgiven. Seriously, it's a B-tier PPV that's somehow produced three separate Worst Matches of the Year through 11 editions. My list of "when in doubt" matches to go to is now full of Unforgiven. Seriously, look.

But I think we'll leave it here with the last remaining WMotY from Unforgiven... and it's this one. KroniK. Yay. In the midst of the Invasion, the inexplicably-WCW champ Taker got his boys in for this match, and quickly regretted it. Let's drag ourselves through this.

Oh hey, Stevie Richards. Been a while. Oh, actually, it's Steven Richards, with the short black hair and the lifts. Taker's got an American flag on his gear because oh yeah, this WAS the first WWF PPV after 9/11. Match kicks off with a brawl on the outside. Undertaker hits Brian Adams with a big boot and leg drop (who does he think he is, Hulk Hogan?). Taker dominating Adams early, and in comes Kane. Heyman complains about Kane wearing a mask as he hits an armpit drop (like an elbow drop, but the elbow doesn't impact). Adams tries to hit a backbreaker, but it looks like ass. In comes Clark, striking away, but not entirely convincingly. His weird jumping big boot gets two. Kane hits a neckbreaker (which Clark doesn't come down far enough for, and barely sells) and soon after, a shoulderbreaker (which doesn't look impactful at all).

In comes Taker, who controls the arm while getting some silly looking high knees, then hits Old School. Taker with a cross-arm breaker but Adams breaks it up. Clark gets a lariat, then in to Adams who gets shots in and a dropkick. There's an odd miscommunication where Taker's going for a clothesline duck but crashes into Adams. Taker's knee lift VISIBLY has a whole head of distance away from hitting. Adams clotheslines Taker out so they can brawl on the outside, and Taker makes Adams take a leisurely walk into the ring post. Clark hits a flying shoulderblock off the apron, Taker's down, and KroniK neutralise Kane before sending Taker back in.

Double shoulderblock to Taker gets a two-count. Adams launches into that classic hallmark of a 5-star match, a minute-long chinlock, while Heyman on commentary tries to insist that KroniK are up there with the Andersons and Briscos in terms of great WCW tag teams. Taker fights out but gets slammed. Clark comes in with kicks, but goes for a back body drop and gets DDT'd. Hot tag to Kane, who brawls with KroniK 2-on-1 (including Clark being dead weight on a side slam). Kane goes for a double chokeslam, but KroniK fights out for the slowest-moving triple-clothesline clash you've ever seen. Kane sits up and tags in Taker, and here's where the match falls apart badly.

Taker now resorts to calling his spots at the top of his voice, shouting "FEED" at Clark as a signal for him to keep taking punches. All structure is abandoned and the ref loses control. Corner splashes for KroniK, then a big boot to Adams. Taker teases a chokeslam on Clark, but Stevie comes in to break it up. Adams hits an absolutely awful jawbreaker, and Taker shouts "FUCK" because he knows how much it sucked. KroniK tease High Times but Taker fights them off and Kane clotheslines Adams from the top. Match finishes with a Chokeslam, probably because Taker didn't trust either man to take a Tombstone at this point. Understandable.

This is what happens when you take ring rust-laden, out-of-shape has-beens and give them a title match on pay-per-view. Total dreck.

 

[Rosie]

Guess you can say Kronik got their WWE careers-


Smoked out.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

2001 Taker is a sight to behold because he is just so clearly fat and out of shape.

 

[Sky]

Entry #162
Kurt Angle (c) vs. Mark Henry
for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
WWE Royal Rumble - January 29, 2006​

'Tis the Rumble season! And now that I've covered the two "bad" Royal Rumble matches, it's time to look at some of the worst matches from the show that weren't Rumbles! Royal Rumble 2006 was the lowest-rated overall Rumble show on Cagematch until 2022 flopped in, and it's apparently because of the decision not to put the Rumble - with Rey Mysterio's tribute win - on last. Instead, after that Rumble we got a very typical CenaWinsLOL vs. Edge (nullifying the original Money in the Bank cash-in) and then this. How bad must it get for a Kurt Angle match to get only three-quarters of a Meltzer star? Let's find out!

First of all, I love the castle setup for the Rumble entranceway. Love it. Mark Henry has Generic Rock Theme #4 as his entrance, and he's accompanied by Daivari. Speaking of themes, Kurt Angle's getting "you suck" as a babyface (though, I think his position was more "heel who still gets cheered because he's awesome").

Initial grappling, Angle can't get Henry down. He tries to go for a single leg and Henry just stomps. Angle goes for a waistlock, Henry tries to counter with a spinning back elbow, Angle ducks away, Admittedly, pretty cool. Angle then outpaces Henry for a bit with no contact. Henry catches a fist, and the raw strength of him just standing there drops Angle to his knees. Henry goes for an elbow drop but misses. He catches Angle while he's running the ropes and dumps him over the top to the floor. Does he think that he's in the Rumble because it's the main event?

Ref distraction so Daivari can attack Angle. Henry upends the steel steps just because he can. Angle tries a DDT back in the ring but gets dumped on the ropes and kicked in the ribs. Henry hits a splash, and there were days when a big man hitting a splash would get the crowd hyped. Now they just don't care. That's how anti-over Henry is in this match. Speaking of the old days of wrestling, a minute-long bearhug. Angle tossing him eventually was a decent spot but not worth the bearhug. Angle goes to the top rope for a CROSSBODY ON A LARGER MAN! How does nobody learn from this? World's Strongest Slam teased, but Angle grabs the ankle. Henry kicks off, but Angle tries for an Angle Slam but can't get him up.

Henry teases a powerslam, and Angle hits a German suplex! I'm a sucker for feats of strength. Immediately after he hits the Angle Slam for real, but only gets two. Straps down, ankle lock again. Daivari distracts the ref, Henry kicks off, which sends Angle directly to Refbumpsville. Oh boy, shenanigans time! Angle goes for a chair (while relatively the babyface), and smacks Daivari with it. Henry catches the chair and tosses Angle, but Angle gives him an uppercut right in his testicles. Two unprotected chair shots to the head, ref counts slow, and Henry kicks out! Angle then strips the buckle, trips Henry into it, and gives a roll-up while holding the ropes for three. Great strong champion moment.

Post-match... GONG. Undertaker shows up on a white horse with a young Jon Moxley and his friend to threaten Angle. So, why wasn't this the Mania 22 match, rather than Taker/Henry? Have Orton beat Angle at No Way Out or something, and have Rey/Randy do their big rivalry Eddie-exploiting singles match at Mania instead of on a B-show. Taker makes the ring collapse with the power of SPOOKY or whatever.

Yeah, that's how you make a Kurt Angle match belong among bad matches rather than good ones! Not much happened, it was very typical slow-paced pre-2011 Henry. How did he take 14 whole years to learn how not to suck?

 

[Sky]

Entry #163
Mickie James vs. Ashley Massaro
WWE Royal Rumble - January 29, 2006​

I feel really bad whenever an Ashley Massaro match comes up. She didn't deserve to be remembered as "incompetent wrestler". She tried her best, which is more than could be said for most men of her era. She was just kept down by the structures of WWE at the time. However, this is part of the really cool Mickie/Trish storyline. Mickie's jealous that Ashley is Trish's friend (and not, YA KNOW, the creepy stalker). Trish is special referee for this match. Gonna be some storytelling here. And not good wrestling, according to its MINUS 1.5 Meltzer stars.

Ashley's cool theme is sadly dubbed. Lock-up as the crowd immediately starts baying for puppies. They roll out of the ring, still tied up, and get into a shoving match. Both work the arm, but Ashley converts into La Magistral. Seriously, she COULD have wrestled if you'd tried to train her. This, to me, recalls Angle/Henry, or indeed Worker Ant/Arctic Rescue Ant. One more capable worker wrestling the proverbial broomstick. Mickie's doing everything, stretching her own arm while Ashley stands still. "Very technically sound is Ashley" -Joey Styles, whose idea of technical soundness has been irreversibly warped by years of Sandman matches.

Mickie rolls out of the ring, and gets into it with Trish. Ashley then delivers what I am told is a clothesline off the apron, though it mostly looks like her stepping off the apron with her arm vaguely held out while Mickie sells it like prime Stan Hansen has just come down from the rafters and smashed her face in with his inner elbow. Trish gives a fast count while Mickie's outside. Back in, Ashley does some rubbish brawling before Mickie clocks her in the back of the head. "When she saw Ashley's backside, she took advantage" -stop it Lawler. Odd variation of a single leg crab by Mickie, caused by Ashley not going on her front.

To the outside, Mickie lifts Ashley and bashes her ribs into the ring post. Ashley's about to be counted out, but Mickie baseball slides into her to reset it. Mickie pulls off a fisherman suplex for two. She tries to impress Trish, so Ashley can rally with shots to the midsection. "She's got a great straight right hand" -Joey Styles, while Ashley gives us some awful rights. Then hair-pulling, because oh yeah, Divas. Ashley goes for a standing crucifix hold, then drops it into a crucifix pin for two. She then gets a shoulder barge that looks like she wanted a spear but changed her mind halfway. Mounted punches from Ashley, but Mickie grabs the shorts for what is essentially a clothing-assisted powerbomb. Trish almost refuses to count the three, but does eventually.

Two take-aways here. One, I'm actually mad at how they treated Ashley. There's some glimmers of talent, actually caring, but WWE actively stopped her from getting better. This is all because of John Laurinaitis. When he wasn't auditioning for the role of Wheezy in WWE's in-house remake of Toy Story 2, Laurinaitis was actively pushing down the idea of women who could wrestle. Fuck him. Second... I managed to get through that review without mentioning that Mickie's short-skirted attire meant her ass was out all match. Success!

 

[Death By Looch]

This is all because of John Laurinaitis. When he wasn't auditioning for the role of Wheezy in WWE's in-house remake of Toy Story 2, Laurinaitis was actively pushing down the idea of women who could wrestle. Fuck him.​

...except for when they can get either wet, puddinged or stripped of pretty much any kind of clothes.

 

[Sky]

Entry #164
John "Bradshaw" Layfield vs. The Boogeyman
WWE Royal Rumble - January 29, 2006​

So, let's move on to a wrestler I enjoy bashing: It's JBL! Mr. Racism himself looks to start 2006 the right way. Spooky stuff is not the right way, though. This is Boogeyman's PPV debut. Let's hope it's not awful.

JBL is with Jillian Hall, and according to commentary there was a segment where Boogeyman put worms into Jillian's "personal region", and then the next week he ate Jillian's blemish. Let's not think about that. JBL's clearly scared of Boogeyman's entrance, using Jillian as a human shield. Boogeyman picks up a worm and eats it. JBL pushes Jillian into Boogeyman's path, and he starts spitting worms all over her. Finally JBL starts to fight Boogeyman, and finally the bell rings. Bit of a brawl. Boogeyman gets bundled out of the ring and JBL takes him on a tour of ringside, bashing his face into surfaces. He untapes his fists and chokes Boogeyman while the ref's distracted by Jillian. Boogeyman has a two-handed choke but JBL breaks out with an eye rake. However, he misses a corner charge and Boogeyman gets a pumphandle into a powerslam for the win.

Wow, that was fucking awful. Deeply uncomfortable pre-match, followed by rudimentary brawling for about one minute until the one who's been beaten up wins after one move. Utter shit.

 

[Sky]

Entry #165
Rocky Johnson vs. "Dr. D" David Schultz
WWF from Madison Square Garden - November 26, 1984​

So, what do you want to talk about? Nothing in current wrestling? Understandable. Let's go back in time to 1984 again. This is a match that earned negative stars from both Meltzer and Scott Keith, who absolutely trashed the lack of effort by the competitors. Let's see if they were right to do so.

Schultz goes for a handshake, but Rocky is no fool, refusing it. The referee separates them. This cycle repeats again: Schultz taunts Rocky, Rocky rises to it, the ref stops him from doing anything. This happens again. And again. And again. Rocky looks like he's sick of this referee after literally two and a half minutes without anyone touching each other, and so am I. Taunt, Rocky gets aggressive, ref stops him. Crowd is getting restless.

Literally FOUR MINUTES deep into this 20-minute-limit match, we get a lock-up. It goes into the corner, ref breaks it up, and that lets Schultz get a right hand into Rocky's face. A bit of brawling by Schultz, Rocky gets a shot in... and then the referee pulls him back COME THE FUCK ON. It's 1984, this can't have been a heel ref deliberately screwing Rocky over, so this is just stupid. Schultz side headlock, Rocky has Schultz against the ropes and looks to be trying some chops, but the ref holds him off again! More stalling. Schultz wants to check Rocky for illegal baby oil. Rocky is pissed, looks to be close to shoving the ref. LOUD "Bullshit" chants. Like, piercingly loud.

Schultz grabs an arm, Rocky dances out of it and does a kick. He's just about to get his big comeback but the ref stops him again! Schultz gets some big forearms and gets a boot choke, and the ref doesn't pull him off. So it is a crooked ref angle in 1984. You can, however, do a crooked ref angle without having him prevent any action at all. Another headlock, Rocky gets Schultz to the ropes, and right away the ref separates them. Fans are actually throwing bits of garbage into the ring. Finally Rocky tells the ref to fuck off, gets several shots in on Schultz. Rocky goes for a slam, Schultz goes and rolls through... and gets a pin on a rapid fast count.

When the most active worker in a match is the referee, you know you're in serious trouble. A match almost completely devoid of actual wrestling, ten minutes of setup with no payoff.

 

[Sky]

Entry #166
Kendo Nagasaki/Blondie Barratt vs. The Golden Boys
2/3 Falls Match
All-Star Wrestling - October 15, 1988​

What killed British wrestling? WWE did. Both times. But I'm talking about the first time. Even after That Fake American Rubbish reached these shores, there was still some semblance of traditional British wrestling on TV. But then it disappeared as 1989 began... and some say this match is to blame. Maybe they're right, maybe they're not. A young Robbie Brookside and Steven Regal take on a Shropshire man who got famous by pretending to be possessed by a Japanese samurai and a guy who's a huge fan of Confederate flags. I swear they were over in their day, even though it doesn't seem like they would have been. But, the question in this thread... is it shit? Let's go.

First fall begins and Kendo takes his sweet time leaving the ring. It's Regal vs. Barratt. You can see how the style of working is quite different from the 1970s. They're doing many of the basic things that would become part of the "WWE toolbox" that everyone coming up from OVW in the 2000s had. Except they're not, because they mistime a leapfrog spot and Barratt crashes into Regal's nuts. Somewhere a young Mr. Anderson watches and learns. Barratt has his shin across Regal's throat, and Regal visibly has to remind him to stay on for a bit by pulling the shin down. Snapmare and knee drop, but Regal counters a chinlock and rallies, including a really nice armdrag.

Now Kendo's in, going for a head-toss (like a Diva hair-toss, except Regal doesn't have long enough hair for that). He's got a busted lip, apparently, so Kendo targets the face a bit. He pretty much no-sells Regal's comeback and hits a butterfly suplex. In comes Brookside, Kendo tags Barratt, but doesn't bother leaving the ring. I guess there wasn't a tag, because Barratt just leaves? Even though there was a tag, I saw it clearly? Kendo goes for some weak-looking shoulder charges, with Barratt holding Brookside in the corner. Kendo hits a throat chop, finally tags in Barratt properly and they do a double clothesline. "Quite illegal" says the commentator. I love his golf-like tone, so unfitting for this type of match.

Barratt's targeting the head with a lot of his offence. Brookside rallies, hits a monkey flip, and nails some SUPER clean armdrags. Kendo cuts off what seems to be a Boston crab attempt, and the referee gives him a warning. Kendo soon tags in, with more beating in the corner and another throat chop. You know, like samurai do! Barratt gets a warning for interfering too, then Kendo dumps Brookside out and talks with the referee so Barratt can get some shots in. This is all very sports entertainment. When Brookside's back in the ring, Kendo takes the first fall with... a back body drop? Kind of anticlimactic, but okay.

Second fall, and Kendo opens with an extended nerve hold. He then tosses Brookside, who rolls out of the ring and lets Regal in. In comes Barratt, who doesn't want to face Regal, and rightly so as he dominates early with a snapmare and leg drop. He whips Barratt into the rope and clearly anticipates him running back, but Barratt just gets tangled in the rope and flops. A look behind them, and it appears the top rope has come loose at one of the turnbuckles. While the ref's distracted Kendo gets another shot in. This lets Barratt briefly come back with a fist drop before Regal takes control again. Belly-to-belly suplex, but Kendo breaks up the pin. I get the feeling Barratt's brawling style would fit best in the US.

Kendo holds up a knee for Barratt to bash Regal into, but Regal blocks and sends Barratt into his own partner's knee instead. Barratt rests outside the ring, and wow that top rope is FUCKED. Completely drooping off. The crew are trying to fix it in mid-fall. Kendo's giving Regal chops and shots galore. Now it's Barratt vs. Brookside. Brookside, the inconsiderate bastard, whips Barratt repeatedly into the corner that the ring crew are trying to fix. Barratt gets the feet up and goes to the top rope, but Brookside tosses him down. Brookside goes up top this time, hits a missile dropkick. Barratt can't answer the count of ten, and that's the second fall.

According to the ring announcer, the dropkick knocked Barratt so loopy that he isn't cleared for the third fall, so Kendo will have to do this 2-on-1. Brookside vs. Kendo is fairly even. Kendo's got a chinlock, but Regal breaks it up. The Golden Boys try to do a Hart Attack but it looks really bad, particularly because Regal doesn't fall forward. Then a double dropkick. Both of these tag team moves are apparently something the commentator's never seen before. I guess he doesn't watch the WWF tapes that come in to ITV. The Golden Boys tag in and out, Regal hitting a leg drop and Brookside hitting a missile dropkick.

And then... the spot I watched this match for happens. Brookside goes for Kendo's mask, which is a bit of a struggle, but he achieves it. "Kendo Nagasaki, as we haven't seen him before" -the commentator, ignoring that Kendo has been unmasked before. He stares into Brookside's eyes... and Brookside goes into a trance. Kendo commands Brookside to return his mask, then go to the corner and attack Regal. Commentary is incredibly nonchalant about this, like "oh yeah, Kendo Nagasaki has hypnosis powers, no big deal". Kendo hits a Kamikaze Crash (= Green Bay Plunge, wow that's the second time I've referenced Mr. Anderson in this writeup) and Regal doesn't get up.

It cannot be emphasised how much the crowd is DEAD for this finish. They've been hot, they've been eating out of the wrestlers' hands, then suddenly hypnosis and nobody cares anymore. You've heard go-away heat before, but this is go-away silence. Like, they suddenly don't care about wrestling anymore. And that was apparently the opinion of Greg Dyke, who ran ITV at the time, and decided that wrestling wasn't working and took it off TV, thus starting off a decades-long dark age. Post-match Brookside cuts a promo about how bullshit being hypnotised was, to which Kendo's manager says "lol, sucks to suck".

Someone whose name I can't recall once said, the match can be good, but if the finish is bad, that's all they'll remember. I seem to remember he wasn't very good at following his own advice. Oh well. That's how I feel about this match. It's a somewhat botchy but not memorably bad match that would have probably made the teens on the current ranking. However, I can't stand that finish. One of the most damaging hokey finishes in history. Who thought that was a good idea?

 

[Sky]

Entry #167
Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Bayley
Kendo Stick on a Pole Match for the WWE RAW Women's Championship
WWE Extreme Rules - June 4, 2017​

Royal Rumble was fun, huh? And gosh, isn't that Bayley girl really over as a babyface? That's something that she's not been for a long time. Six and a half years, in fact. And this is what's to blame. Alexa Bliss, in the maximum Mean Girl mode, presented one of the worst segments in RAW history when everyone came together to bury Bayley as a worthless loser. And it was a build to this match. Just that it's a pole match should perturb you, but what happens in it is even more damaging. Let's watch a top babyface die before our eyes.

I miss the tube men. One of them doesn't even work for Bayley's entrance, which should be a sign. Commentary sells that Bayley doesn't have the guts to use the kendo stick, as does Alexa. When Bayley rises to it, Alexa gets her with a hair toss. Bayley gets a bit of offence, but that immediately stops when she tries to go for the pole again, as Alexa smacks her with a right hand. I'd mock that, but in a couple of years WWE would try to get Literally Just A Punch over as a finisher for Lacey Evans. Alexa tries to reach for the stick from the second rope but can't because she's just so tiny. It's not even that tall a pole! The two of them brawl on the top rope, Bayley pulls down the stick, but it falls on to the mat and they both fall out of the ring.

Bayley intercepts Alexa as she goes for the kendo stick, and barges her into the barricade before hitting a back suplex on the outside. Bayley finally grabs the stick, and Alexa is terrified, running away all around the ring. Alexa's begging for mercy, Bayley's about to swing... but she hesitates. Like she, too, is scared of the kendo stick. This is the problem. You've taken your big family wholesome babyface and you've turned her into a childish moron. Alexa tackles her and smacks away with the stick. It's like Sandman vs. Dreamer, except that made Dreamer look good. Bayley-to-Belly out of nowhere, but Bayley's too hurt to cover. Alexa props up the kendo stick in the corner, Bayley rolls her away from it, but Alexa shoves Bayley's face into it. One more kendo stick shot and a DDT, and that's it.

A mix of acceptable, nondescript brawling, and absolutely nasty booking and character assassination. Bayley was basically dead from this point until she turned heel in 2019. And that's WWE's fault.