Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #151
Pat McAfee vs. Mr. McMahon
WWE WrestleMania 38 - April 3, 2022​

Surprisingly, the WON Worst Match of 2022 wasn't any of the ones that got nominated by this site. To be fair, I doubt any of us considered this one a match in itself. But a match it is, and so into this thread it goes.

A bit of background to start. Pat McAfee has just faced Vince McMahon's special little boy Austin Theory in what is scheduled to be the semi-main event of the Sunday show of WrestleMania 38. And the match was pretty good. McAfee won by countering an A-Town Down into a schoolboy pin. Now he's challenging... Vince McMahon himself? A bit weird, but seemingly anything can happen in the WW(E). Vince is such a natural heel. He teases taking his jacket off before putting it back on to make the crowd mad. Commentary is confused as to why there's a referee and this is a sanctioned match...

...and then Theory clocks McAfee in the back from behind, and the match actually begins. McAfee's doing his best at least. He runs into Vince's clothesline, whips himself into the corner, then runs into another clothesline. "You still got it" chants???????? This is truly baffling. Vince tosses McAfee into the corner before showing off a bit for the crowd. McAfee starts to rally (Patting up? McAfeeing up? No) to the tune of the real song entrance theme he used once and never again. Theory trips McAfee and crotches him on the ring post, in full view of the ref. Vince lightly taps McAfee with his foot before receiving an NFL sportsball from Theory, teasing punting it into the crowd again and again, but instead punting it into McAfee. Okay, that's pretty fun. That finishes the match.

Post-match, Vince puts Theory over, they hug like the father and son Vince wishes they were. Then per tradition to save a segment where a non-wrestler heel inexplicably won, Stone Cold's music hits! Stunner to Theory (the Rock would be proud of the way Theory sells it)! Brewskis with Vince... but of course, he gets a Stunner! And this is the match with the awful Vince Stunner sell. It's not just the sell, either, it's that he does everything to fail to get into position.

If I add a GIF of it, you know it's bad in a seriously funny way. Then brewskis with McAfee, then stunner to McAfee, because Stone Cold must be put over everyone.

It's not really a match, is it? It's quite short, and mostly notable for what happens before and after it. It's a segment. However, it happens to be a segment that destroys the entire purpose of the match that preceded it, for the sole reason of "nostalgia pop lmao". Makes me feel in a similar way to Rock/Rowan. Except there you're only burying Pat McAfee (a non-wrestler) and Austin Theory (I've made my feelings clear on him), so I think Rock/Rowan is still worse.

 

[Storm Trooper]

That Austin/Theory/McAfee/MaMahon segment was one of the greatest things I've seen live.

Then we get the greatest moment ever where Austin stuns McAfee, then they show McAfee laying on the ground chugging a been that Austin gave him.

 

[Sky]

Entry #152
"Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan vs. Kentucky Slugger #1
Kentuckiana Championship Wrestling - January 24, 1998​

Put yourself in my position. It's late. You're in bed, flicking through your favourite feeds on the site formerly known as Twitter. Roy Lucier has just posted a clip of the opening announcement of an episode of Kentuckiana Championship Wrestling back in 1998. Something jumps out to you. The announcer tells you that, among other wrestlers, "Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan will be there.

And you think to yourself, oh fuck. There's more filmed matches from "Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan. I will never be allowed rest.

So yeah, here's the Macho Warrior, but this time he looks different. Seemingly having gotten with the times, he's wearing black and white like two quarters of his inspiration and declaring the "Macho World Order". He's still doing the Flair strut and Warrior rope shake, because he's all four people. His opponent tonight is one of the Kentucky Sluggers, a jobber team who've popped up mostly in the Ohio Valley in the 1990s and 2000s. Probably different people each time. Who knows? Who cares? (Me, sort of)

MWRH goes right for an eye rake in the initial lock-up to take control. Suplex, then he bumps off the ropes to seemingly tease a leg drop, but just stomps the Slugger. At least the stomp looks like it landed this time. He also seems to have taken my comparisons to Dusty Rhodes to heart and added a Bionic Elbow to his repertoire. Back suplex should get the win, but MWRH lifts the Slugger up (like he did Tony Williams! That's career continuity). Slugger starts to rally but MWRH no sells it and tosses him around with a lariat and backfist. He calls for a chair, runs the ropes a bit, then steps on the chair to hit a leg drop. This makes sense as a finish for him, but no, he does a sitout powerbomb to end it. Then he pulls out a can of spray paint, sprays Slugger with "mWo", and goes for a chair shot but Slugger rolls away.

A very typical, non-terrible enhancement match. I was down with the way the Slugger sold, and I feel like Macho Warrior was a lot less slow here.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

You will never fully rest, Ric Hogan is eternal.

 

[Sky]

Entry #153
The Fabulous Moolah (c) vs. Wendi Richter
for the WWF Women's Championship
WWF The Brawl to End It All - July 23, 1984​

Here we come to a piece of history, my friends. We're looking at the first ever WON Worst Match of the Year. A match that was apparently bad enough that Dave decided he wanted to document which had sucked most ass over a 12-month period. And the fact that it's such a historic match apparently does not stop it being panned (just wait for Hogan/Andre 3 years later!). The MTV generation sees the hot new babyface Wendi Richter beating your problematic grandmother for the strap with her face on it, and everyone's happy, and WWF gets more over. And yet, the match apparently was not good! Let's find out how not good!

The managers for this match are respectively Captain Lou Albano (wonder why he keeps coming up in bad wrestling moments) and Cyndi Lauper (who has her own manager, David Wolff). Champ gets announced first, which should be a bit of a sign. Wendi's ring attire consists of a swimsuit with torpedo nipples, for some reason. Moolah gets into it with both the ref and Lauper pre-match.

We kick off with some armdrags. You know how I feel about armdrags, and my rating for these armdrags: not great. Feels like they're actually dragging the arm, not co-operating. Unsurprising, given it's Moolah, who makes Wendi's armdrag look terrible. Moolah pulls out some Divas-era offence - boot, slap, some hair tosses, then tosses Wendi out. Once back in, Moolah gives Wendi a grounded choke, and of course, the ref's too distracted by Lauper, who's pointing out the choke. Moolah hits a knee lift, then celebrates like she's already won... but Wendi hits a low blow(?) and she sells it(????) ending in a pin attempt for a one-count.

Armdrag by Wendi (which is actually sold this time) followed by an armbar. Wendi tries to splash the arm to work it but Moolah rolls away. Moolah herself goes for a splash but misses. Wendi goes for a pin despite that Moolah's entire leg is on the rope, making her look like an idiot. Moolah recovers with more Diva offence. Punching, hair-pulling, rope-choking, and some stomps too, then rope-choking while hair-pulling... Wendi recovers with an elbow and big forearm, but misses a corner charge. Moolah goes for a headbutt and then some boot chokes. There's a real gulf between the selling here, with Wendi flopping around like she's the best jobber in the world while Moolah doesn't do much.

Wendi counters with a headbutt to the "lower abdominal region". Moolah tries to escape but gets caught between the top and second rope, like a tree of woe but in the middle of the ropes rather than the corner. This lets Wendi get some shots in. Captain Lou tries to free Moolah... by pulling the middle rope and tightening the tangle. Finally the referee gets Moolah out but she walks into a Wendi Richter full nelson (though, just by her lack of selling, you couldn't tell, you'd think she was just being lifted into a stairlift). Wendi offers Moolah to Lauper but she decides against it so as not to draw a DQ. Moolah does a hair pull, then they do the spot again, but this time Lauper hits her. In full view of the ref. Without any hint of a DQ.

Wendi hits a dropkick and falling splash but Moolah kicks out at 1-and-a-half. Wendi then hits the Northern Lights Bomb which also gets a 1-count. Kneeling backbreaker, but Moolah doesn't even go on her back, she just takes it on her side (and, typically, doesn't bother selling it). Wendi slaps on a chinlock but Moolah goes for the eyes to break out. So much hair pulling. Moolah hits a monkey flip for two, then a back body drop which should win it, but Moolah pulls her up. Moolah gets on a full nelson (with hair pulling, naturally) and offers Wendi to Captain Lou, who misses a forearm shot (but we don't find out exactly how, because the camera's on Lauper). Moolah gets a German suplex pin, both women's shoulders are down... but Wendi gets hers up. New champion.

Or at least, we don't think so, because Moolah's celebrating. The referee's decision confirms it, though. Moolah attacks the ref and continues to celebrate wtih Captain Lou, because Moolah Must Have Heat.

I can tell why 1984 audiences thought this was utter balls. Sports entertainment aspects added into the match are one thing (and one that doesn't turn me off), but the main problem I have is that Moolah went out of her way to bury Wendi Richter and make her look awful. So much no-selling, nothing to make her opponent look good in any way, while Wendi's bumping like a champ. Right up to that ending, which was clearly intended to make sure no one got any shine other than Moolah.

 

[Rosie]

Moolah caused so much damage to women's wrestling in North America it is not even funny. Basically it is what the Internet thinks of Hulk Hogan (Politicking, burial, ego, etc) x1000.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

Moolah caused so much damage to women's wrestling in North America it is not even funny. Basically it is what the Internet thinks of Hulk Hogan (Politicking, burial, ego, etc) x1000.

You're not kidding. If anything, Moolah set back Women's wrestling by 50 years during her lifetime.

 

[Sky]

Entry #154
The 2015 Royal Rumble Match
WWE Royal Rumble - January 25, 2015​

So yeah, it's Rumble season. So I'm doing a Rumble, again. This time it's the other Rumble that's notable for how negatively it was received at the time. Does it still suck, nine years removed from the heat of Daniel Bryan getting screwed? Let's find out, shall we?

Number 1 - The Miz
Number 2 - R-Truth

Miz's tron around this time is a bunch of shots from the WWE Studios movies he did and the times TMZ looked at him. Very on-brand. Miz is also pulling double duty here, he and Mizdow had a tag title shot but lost to the Usos. And doesn't that say a lot about the longevity of the Usos? Champions come and go, but two Samoan boys remain in their respective title picture for thirteen uninterrupted years. And we all like it. But I digress. It's the Awesome Truth in the first two. R-Truth manages to get deeper into his entrance theme rap than I've ever heard. "We want Mizdow" chants as Miz makes a show of taking off his sunglasses. The two start dancing around each other (literally, in Truth's case) and having some close calls. Miz eats a big leg lariat and Truth goes to the ropes but Miz crotches him.

Number 3 - Bubba Ray Dudley

BIG Philly pop and EC-Dub chants for the first nostalgia pop of this Rumble! Bubba goes to town on Miz, hitting his wind-up Bionic Elbow... then notices Truth still on the top rope, and they do the Wazzup (or should that be "What'zzup"?) on Miz! AWESOME spot, I don't care what anyone says. Great planning. They're going to GET THE TABLES but Miz attacks Truth... 3D to Miz! And Miz gets tossed out! Very promising start to the Rumble. Truth does get a cheeky little dropkick in during the countdown for number 4... so Bubba tosses him out too!

Number 4 - Luke Harper
Number 5 - Bray Wyatt

The late, great Big Rig himself squares up to Bubba, and we get a big old punchfest. Power on power. Bubba teases the Bubba Bomb, Harper nails him with a superkick, but Bubba hits a clothesline as he goes down! Bray comes out with his lantern (god, remember cult leader Bray? Before he got jobbed out to Cena? Remember how awesome that was?) and the two Wyatt Family members start teaming up on Bubba. "We want D-Von" chants from the Philly crowd, already better bookers than WWE's 2015 crew are. Imagine that, peak Dudley trio (with Spike) vs. original three Wyatt Family members. Imagine the CARNAGE. Huge boot by Harper, Bubba's out, and now it's just two beardy boys staring each other down.

Number 6 - Curtis Axel

Here's a part of this Rumble everyone remembers. Axel gets bashed by Erick Rowan in a sheep mask and tossed around, never even getting into the ring. Rowan (who didn't qualify for the Rumble, apparently) gets in, acts like he and Harper are about to attack Bray... but Harper sends Rowan in alone and attacks him from behind! No family ties there. Rowan does well, even in a 2-on-1, tries to eliminate Harper, but Bray comes in and tips them both over! Bray POINTS AT THE SIGN!

Number 7 - The Boogeyman
Number 8 - Sin Cara (II)
Number 9 - Zack Ryder

The master of spooky nonsense from the 2000s shows up to reveal Bray's future. It's the "Eater of Worlds vs. the Eater of Worms", according to Cole, which is a SUPERB call. Then the commentators ruin it by reminiscing about the time Boogey ate Jillian Hall's face growth. Ugh. Bray tries to out-weird Boogey by doing a crab walk, but chooses instead to out-Rumble him by tossing him out. Then comes Sin Cara (the one who was Hunico), who almost gets tossed right away, then takes a Sister Abigail and gets eliminated. Bray cuts an eerie promo about how he is Going To Win The Ongoing Match and has a sing-song. Ryder comes in, hypes the crowd, gives a Broski Boot (okay, that's another person with a facewash as a named signature move) and tries to toss Bray but gets reversed. Bray's cleaning up.

Number 10 - Daniel Bryan
Number 11 - Fandango

Here's the anointed winner! The guy who should have been in the Rumble the night he faced Bray last year! Crowd goes MENTAL! Bryan goes in with cornered dropkicks, and crowd eats up everything he does. He gets a top-rope headscissors, and accidentally creates a duelling chant between "YES" and the countdown. Number 11 is Dango, with Rosa Mendes (who helped him discover salsa recently. Remember that? That was lame), going after Bryan. He does a hip swivel (you're not Rick Rude, and you're not Big E either, stop it) before getting his fucking head kicked in by Bryan. Bryan gives him an airplane spin, which he somehow gets over.

Number 12 - Tyson Kidd
Number 13 - Stardust

Another man pulling double duty, Tyson Kidd teamed with Cesaro on the pre-show. He's the house on fire. He puts Dango on the top rope for Bryan to dropkick him (sadly not sending him out). Then Bryan and Kidd battle a bit, and clash with a double crossbody. And then comes Cody Rhodes in space pervert mode. They act like it's Stardust's debut... lol what? He goes at it with Bray and Dango, thinking he's eliminated the latter but he skins the cat. Then Dango does the same routine of not quite eliminating Stardust. Bryan suplexes Kidd out, and now he's got to deal with Bray. He tosses Bray through the ropes and hits a big Tope Suicida! JBL references Mil Mascaras. I like this.

Number 14 - Diamond Dallas Page
Number 15 - Rusev

DDP comes in as a second nostalgia pop. Stardust challenges him, getting too cocky, but gets twisted into a Diamond Cutter! Then Dango comes to beat him down and goes to the top rope, but DDP crotches him and gives him the Diamond Cutter too! Then comes Bray, but he gets one too! Rusev manages to block the Diamond Cutter, hits the Machka Kick, and eliminates DDP, then Dango for good measure. Bray/Rusev stare down but Bryan comes back and dropkicks them both! YES Kicks for both Bray and Rusev! Bray catches the last, Rusev gives a Machka Kick, tosses Bryan over the top rope... and Bray charges him off the apron.

Yeah. Crowd INSTANTLY turns on the match.

Number 16 - Goldust
Number 17 - Kofi Kingston
Number 18 - Adam Rose

And LITERALLY THE NEXT THING WE SEE are the words "Shattered Dreams". They had to know. They absolutely had to know. Crowd couldn't care less, just burying everything. Stardust fails to eliminate his brother. "Turn around, you cosmic goof" -JBL. Loud "Daniel Bryan" chants. Kofi Kingston up next, and I don't know if they're booing because fuck this match or because early New Day was doing the things they did as heels but were treated like babyfaces. Probably both. Bray clotheslines Kofi over twice, but he survives both times. There's a lot of dead air, as commentary genuinely sounds deflated. Adam Rose comes out with the Rosebuds (oh hey, Deonna! Wasn't expecting to see you there), and as Kofi's getting tossed a third time, the Rosebuds crowd surf him all around the ring! That's AWESOME. They don't even notice that Rose is getting tossed, only saving Kofi. Doesn't matter ultimately as Kofi's gone thanks to Rusev.

Number 19 - Roman Reigns

And now it's the guy the crowd actually knows is going to win, with Bryan out of the picture. Reigns gets the same reaction as he probably would if he'd gotten into the ring, torn up the American flag, and dumped the shreds in a bucket full of horse manure. "Reigns + mic != strong" sign in the crowd. The "sufferin' succotash" promo was only 15 days in the rear-view, so yeah. Goldust's out. Stardust's out. Reigns is taking on Bray and Rusev 2-on-1 while the crowd doesn't care. Even the countdown isn't that over anymore.

Number 20 - Big E
Number 21 - Damien Mizdow

I hate that Big E is getting boos, but I understand it. He hosses it up with Rusev a bit, hitting a big strong suplex. "Roman sucks" chants. Commentary calls an "Otto Wanz cannonball" by Rusev, which is nice. Crowd wakes up for Damien Mizdow, but Miz demands he go to the back so he can take Mizdow's spot. Miz just gets tossed off the ring by Reigns, and here's Mizdow's time in the sun. DDT for Bray, Miz's backbreaker/neckbreaker thing to Big E... but fuck you fans, you can't have nice things, Rusev tosses him out.

Number 22 - Jack Swagger
Number 23 - Ryback

Fans join in with "We the People" for Swagger, but he gets nothing else. See that, WWE? THAT is a guy where the chant is over, not the wrestler. Not Daniel Bryan. Take notes. Vader Bomb to Rusev, then it's Swagger/Rusev/Bray and Reigns/Big E. Remember Reigns vs. Big E a couple of years ago? That was cool. Not like this match would have been to watch live. Ryback comes in and clears up everyone (including a clothesline that Bray is late to fall on) finishing with a Meat Hook on Rusev, but failing to eliminate him. Bray attacks Ryback as one fan holds up their "Team Bella" sign out of boredom and a CM Punk chant rings out. CM Punk, a man who has not been in WWE for a year.

Number 24 - Kane
Number 25 - Dean Ambrose
Number 26 - Titus O'Neil

Oh, fuck, it's Corporate Kane. He tries and fails to bundle Ryback over while Big E does the same with Swagger. Yawn. Crowd wakes up again after Ambrose shows up. Because he actually entertains them. He gets into it with everyone, especially Rusev and Kane. Big E's trying to toss Ryback. Titus is in at number 26, and he's clearly meant to be the instant-elimination spot, but he botches it the first time by not going over the top rope from the Ambrose/Reigns clothesline. Ambrose starts to work over Bray's beard.

Number 27 - Bad News Barrett

Lucky number 27, Barrett comes out with incredibly generic music. He kisses his IC Title, despite it being a jobber belt at the time. Nine men in the ring at once (ten if you count Curtis Axel, who was never eliminated). However, this is all very generic. "Boring" and "Daniel Bryan" chants can be heard from the fans who haven't beaten the traffic.

Number 28 - Cesaro

The man who Vince McMahon told the world hadn't grabbed the brass ring (yes he fucking did, he was grabbing it constantly and you cut his hand off). Ten men in the ring now. A very European uppercut to Ambrose, but Cesaro can't eliminate him. Rusev puts Big E over the top rope, but takes a while to eliminate him with a dropkick.

Number 29 - Big Show
Number 30 - Dolph Ziggler

Well... it's the world's largest middle finger! Everyone gangs up on Show, but he clears them off. Kane chokeslams Ambrose. The crowd's chanting for Dolph Ziggler, which is how you can tell this is 2015. Show and Kane come together to toss Ryback, then Kane chokeslams Rusev, and he rolls out the ring (Chekhov's gun). Finally, Ziggler becomes the last entrant, and the crowd wakes up again! Superkicks for everyone, and then double Famouser for Show and Kane. Ziggler kicks Barrett out, but takes 12 rotations of the Cesaro Swing and is almost eliminated. Ziggler and Cesaro on the apron battling, Ziggler kicks Cesaro to eliminate him.

Now begins the phase of the match I'm calling "See these guys you like? Fuck you, it's Big Show and Kane". Kane tries to eliminate Ziggler, but fails, Ziggler goes to the top rope... but eats Show's punch. You can hear the air go out of the crowd a second time as Show and Kane both dump Ziggler like he's nothing. Bray Wyatt takes a punch completely in PiP, and the iron man of this Rumble is gone. Final four, apparently, is Kane, Show, Ambrose, and Reigns. Shield vs. Authority, the crowd is burying Reigns' offence though, so it's just flat. Ambrose and Reigns get together to eliminate Show, but in comes Kane with the boot. Show and Kane murder Ambrose a bit and dump him out like a sack of turds.

Now the predominant chants are "bullshit" and "we want refunds". Yep. Show and Kane pretend they're getting the right kind of heat. I don't much care to narrate what happens next. Show and Kane bully Reigns, they almost have the elimination, but it's every man for himself, Show tries to dump Kane, the big boys argue a bit, they punch. Fans let the world know how they feel. Reigns tosses them both, and the bell rings. Show and Kane come back to attack Reigns, in a desperate attempt to make fans not hate him. The Rock comes out for a save, and it ends in a spinebuster and People's Elbow to Kane.

The last man to get a pop tonight is Rusev, who reminds everyone he's not been eliminated. LOOOOOOOL fuck you, Reigns spears him and tosses him too. Reigns wins. Rock puts his dog cousin over, and is confused why everyone seemingly wants him dead. Triple H and Stephanie come out for a staredown. Who cares why, at this point. Who the fuck cares. The rest is history: WWE production staff stopped from leaving by a blockade of angry fans; #CancelWWENetwork trending before the WWE Network is even available in half the world; and the web page to actually cancel the WWE Network crashing because of 300,000 people coming to it to withdraw their $9.99 of support for good. Safe to say WWE fucked this one right up. And unlike last year, they did not learn.

This started as a really fun Rumble! Then Daniel Bryan got tossed. Suddenly, the fun spots dried up, the excitement died, and it just became an exercise in how WWE would bloody-mindedly pursue the same path of not giving a shit what the fans want, tanking the audience in the process. Truly insulting stuff.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

That 2015 Rumble might legit be one of the worst Rumbles of all time just for the back-half alone.

 

[Canadian Dragon]

Never knew how bad this was. Good write up

 

[Sky]

Entry #155
Musambe Tutu vs. Balut Cuniescu
Frog Match
100% Lucha - November 23, 2008​

I wasn't going to review a match tonight, but when I learned about this one, I had to go straight to it. It's a match from an Argentinian wrestling show, where sports entertainment seems to be the name of the game. The rules are simple. Each wrestler has a frog stuffed into the crotch area of their clothing. If your frog dies, you lose. Not the strangest thing that's going to be put near a penis in this thread, though (foreshadowing). The participants are a fake Romanian man and a thankfully-real Ghanaian man (there's no blackface in this thread unless Roddy Piper shows up). This is one of those matches that, even if it's not bad, it's gonna be fucking weird.

Cuniescu comes out with a pair of remarkably disciplined dogs. Tutu is fully Saba Simba-ing it up with his gear. Both wrestlers make a big deal of confirming the frogs are alive and then putting them right next to their genitals. Tutu immediately goes for a low blow, so Cuniescu has to check his frog again. Really weird lock-up to start, where Tutu just gets his arm tangled. Basic start, with arm work. Cuniescu snaps Tutu's arm over the rope and checks his frog once more. Cuniescu crotches Tutu on the ring post (which doesn't get the frog apparently) and does a runner... only to come back and smash a SHOPPING TROLLEY on to Tutu's leg! Then he puts Tutu in the trolley and wheels him to the back!

In the locker room, Tutu has some unconvincing strikes, then gives a low blow. This time Cuniescu has a fellow heel check his frog for him... the heel then throws a drink in Tutu's face! Now it's a 2-on-1 beatdown, with glassware and a serving tray smashed over Tutu's head. They briefly attack the frog/Tutu's cock before putting him through a table. Tutu rallies, and his strikes are just fucking rubbish, sorry. They're back to ringside now, still brawling, and Cuniescu's made to take a few fromt bumps you'd think would put the frog in danger. He has to check again. Tutu gives Cuniescu a punt kick, then shakes the ropes like Ultimate Warrior (so that's whom he reminds me of). Both men go for suplexes, there's a neckbreaker, both men keep a grip on... and then the ref calls for the bell. Guess it was a time limit match, apparently.

They check the frogs at the end, and apparently they're both fine, so it's a draw. Good, at least no frogs were harmed.

A match with a stupid but potentially fun premise, but one they didn't really play up enough. I expected to see more teased front bumps and crotch shots but no, it was mostly just WCW Hardcore Title brawling. Moves were rudimentary. Tutu strikes me as one of those wrestlers who's charismatic but completely incapable in-ring.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Imagine if someone tried to do this in the US? Holy shit animal rights https would be all over them.

 

[Sky]

Entry #156
Doink the Clown/Dink vs. Bam Bam Bigelow/Luna Vachon
WWF WrestleMania X - March 20, 1994​

Oh, hello, babyface Doink, it's been a while. This is a match from the tenth WrestleMania, which is remembered as the best of the first 10 Manias by a few people, but that's because it had Shawn/Razor and Bret/Owen. There was a lot of... less good stuff on this card though, from Luger/Yoko to the "pin your opponent then run back in 60 seconds and hope the other guy doesn't make it" Savage/Crush match, to MOM/Quebecers... to this. Because apparently every time WWF had Bam Bam Bigelow they had to waste him with comedy nonsense. Now with Luna Vachon for even more wasting! At least there won't be food spat everywhere like at Survivor Series '93. Or so I hope. Let's do this. I'm ready for rubbish clown comedy!

Before the match we get a Hair Club for Men guy... and Howard Finkel with a full head of hair, which is disturbing. Bam Bam's theme is mostly him shouting "BAM BAM" over synths. Doink uses a squirty flower to spray the hair guy,

Bam Bam overpowers Doink from the off and hits an impressive dropkick. Then he misses a back splash. Doink starts working the arm. Bam Bam goes for an elbow drop but misses. In comes Dink, and apparently that means Luna has to tag in. It's WWF-style mixed tag rules, and it seems that women = minis in those rules. Never mind Luna being twice Dink's size. Luna tries to lock up with Dink and falls on her face, then Dink slaps her on the ass. This is what I feared. Luna goes for a rope choke, even using a body guillotine (which is apparently what the "slide between the ropes over your opponent's head to crush their neck" thing is called, thank you Wikipedia). She misses a second attempt, Dink hits an elbow drop and gets two.

Dink gives Luna the run-around, and Luna just responds by kicking Dink as hard as she can. Me too, Luna. Dink rolls out of the way of an elbow and bumps her on the ass, before going to the top rope, going with a flying nothing... Luna walks away Samoa Joe-wise, and Dink eats shit in STYLE with a handspring on to his back. Luna soon tries a top rope splash of her own, but faceplants (then lands on her knees, oof that can NOT be good). Now for Doink/Bam Bam. Doink makes Bam Bam look stupid with slaps until Bam Bam just decides "fuck it" and clotheslines him right out. Dink runs in, and Bam Bam and Luna both try to lunge for him and look like idiots. He's a bar of soap, is that Dink. A slippery, clowny bar of soap.

Doink back in, goes for a sunset flip on a larger man. The rookie mistake that seemingly everyone makes. Bam Bam misses a corner charge and eats a jumping DDT (which I interpreted initially as Bam Bam hitting a uranage, and was confused why he was the one selling). Doink goes for the top rope Whoopee Cushion, and fuck me, isn't is sad that every Doink is saddled with essentially Sitting Down as a finisher because it was something Matt Borne used to do before he joined WWE? More sad that people are still playing Doink on the indies in the first place, honestly. Anyway, Doink misses, and smashes his tailbone, though anyone with eyes could tell Bam Bam was too far away anyway.

Bam Bam knocks Dink off the apron as he runs the ropes (okay, that made me smile a little) and counters a back suplex into a crossbody. He misses a falling headbutt, hits a second, and then hits the third off the top rope (the first top rope move this match to actually land!) for the three.

Post-match Dink tries to challenge Bam Bam, so the heels bully him some more. They go for simultaneous splashes on Dink, they're meant to miss, but Dink rolls the wrong way and ends up under Luna. Luna's clearly pissed at this botch. Like, she slaps Dink. Doink trips Bam Bam (who is seemingly going for a mask rip on Dink) then sends Luna running. That was awkward. They cut to a Bill Clinton impersonator, because oh yeah, that's another weird thing about Mania 10.

Stupid match, not egregiously bad like certain Doink matches though. Makes me sad about Bam Bam and Luna though.

 

[Sky]

Entry #157
Trish Stratus (c) vs. Victoria
for the WWE Women's Championship
WWE Unforgiven - September 12, 2004​

Well, shit, better speedrun watching all the WWE archive content before it disappears into Netflix for good. So here's this. I was just going to review the worst WWE match of 2004, but this one before it leads right into it, and it only got 1.25 Meltzer stars, so might as well cover it here. Women's Title in 2004, let's go.

You can tell by Victoria using the more upbeat entrance theme that she's a babyface. Trish is accompanied by Tomko, and this is seemingly just before the time Trish and Christian broke up because they couldn't decide who got to keep Tomko for themselves. Lawler is using Clearasil for Men, according to his commentary.

Victoria expresses her physical advantage... I remembered her as one of the taller women of her era, but seemingly she's eye-to-eye with Trish. After taking a belly-to-back front suplex and bridging pin for two, Trish rolls out. Crowd calls Trish "slut" seemingly for the crime of being the heel. Trish's early offence is hair-pulling and choking. Like a true Diva! Trish goes for a sleeper while sitting on the top rope, but Victoria converts into a gorilla press gutbuster. Kicks to the midsection follow to send Trish to the outside, and Victoria looks like she's about to go for a dive but Tomko carries Trish out of the way.

Trish bashes Victoria's face into the ring post, smashes her face into more things on the outside, then rolls her in for a pin for two. Trish goes for a full on PUNT to the midsection. Like, really high impact. Grounding Victoria, she uses an armbar with a knee to the neck, then starts yanking the leg too for a... sideways abdominal stretch? It probably has a name, it just escapes me now. Rest hold, Victoria fights out, but Trish gets a spinebuster for two. Now more rest holding (40 seconds, which considering the length of a Diva match is a bit overindulgent). Victoria manages to hit the Spider's Web slam for two, then her AWESOME standing moonsault for the same result.

Trish does a Matrix dodge and goes for the Chick Kick but Victoria blocks the leg and goes for a nasty headbutt. She hits a plancha on Tomko, but Tomko chases her back into the ring. This lets Trish hit Stratusfaction for the win. Post-match Tomko has a two-handed choke on Victoria until Victoria's mystery benefactor (a red-haired woman) comes out and DDTs Tomko. Crowd knows exactly who it is, but that's for next match.

Generally fine, though the finish kind of came out of nowhere, Trish didn't look particularly good considering she's the champion, and Victoria lost by being an idiot (I hate "only heels can be smart" as a wrestling trope). See you next post...

 

[Sky]

Entry #158
Tyson Tomko vs. Stevie Richards
WWE Unforgiven - September 12, 2004​

AND NOW FOR OUR MAIN EVENT! Continuing from last post... Mystery Woman has just DDT'd Tomko. Tomko interrupts post-match commentary by demanding the Mystery Woman come out. He immediately clocks that it's a man in drag (as did the crowd, and seemingly everyone but Jerry Lawler). This is a match now.

Tomko immediately downs the Mystery Woman with a punch, then starts tearing his clothes off. All the while, he's huddled on the ground like a luchador who's been unmasked. Once more clothing has been pulled off, it's revealed that (1) yes, it is Stevie Richards, and (2) he's wearing a bra but not panties. Guess he never learned the art of the tuck. Tomko takes the material being used to pad Stevie's bra and stuffs it in his mouth. He then puts the wig back on him and punches him. The bra is now ripped off so it's just Stevie in his skivvies. Crowd lets Tomko know he sucks.

From here on, this is really just a beatdown. Featuring lots of chokes. Rope chokes, boot chokes, corner chokes, you name it! One fan chants "Boring" directly into his own hand so it's barely intelligible. It's an extended heel murderfest. Stevie is trying to rally but the crowd could not give less of a shit. He starts no-selling (Stevie-ing up!) but that means Tomko just hits him harder. Stevie gets the first pop of this match by grabbing Tomko really hard in his testicles. This is followed by a corner beatdown that doesn't recover the heat. However, Stevie tries to recover his bra, which gives Tomko the time to hit the Argentine neckbreaker for three.

What the hell was the point of that? Crowd didn't pop for the reveal, they didn't care about Tomko's offence. It was just a humiliation of Stevie Richards. This achieved negative value for both men. No one got over.