Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

I've watched NONE of those matches for this thread and yet there are already 3 matches in 1995 worse than that

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Didn't ECW have Shane Douglas vs. Tully Blanchard in a fucking stinker in 1995 too?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #130
Antonio Inoki vs. Gerard Gordeau
BVD Final Countdown Martial Arts Tournament Semi-Final Match
NJPW Battle 7 - January 4, 1995​

Here's the other semi-final. Owner of Japan's most prominent chin, Antonio Inoki, facing a karateka who looks like all the types of people you meet in prison mashed together, and who is probably best known for winning the first ever UFC fight, toppling a washed-up sumo guy in seconds. But can he beat Inoki? Probably not, because this match is a work. At least he should be able to not embarrass himself as much. He should at least know how to work a match, given that he was in early RINGS. Fun fact: Akira Hokuto joined commentary for this one, in what is probably going to be her only appearance in the bad matches thread.

The opening of this match is pretty much all staredown. Gordeau goes for a few kicks during it, and Inoki gets away from most of them. He brings Inoki to the ropes a couple of times, and about two minutes in takes him off his feet for the first time, though only briefly. More kicking from Gordeau, more taking it from Inoki. Inoki grabs Gordeau's leg but it's soon broken by the ropes. Inoki goes for a corner charge but misses and gets lightly kicked in the corner. He then grabs Gordeau's legs and backs him into the same corner. Inoki finally gets a waistlock FOUR minutes in and brings Gordeau to ground. However, whatever he was planning is stopped by a rope break.

Gordeau goes for a kick, Inoki grabs the leg, and Gordeau responds with a grounded hold of the waist. Inoki takes the edge until Gordeau has another rope break. More staring. As soon as Gordeau seems like he's about to engage, he just walks away. He eventually starts punching Inoki in the corner, but when he goes for a kick, that's his undoing, as Inoki counters it into a sleeper for the win.

I'm gonna say it: I liked this less than Sting/Palmore. At least there were a few memorable moments in that (Palmore's axe kick is actually pretty cool). This just felt like a minute and a half of match stretched out into seven. At least we're getting the expected Sting/Inoki in the final... but there's another match on this show I wanted to watch before that.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #131
Shiro Koshinaka/Michiyoshi Ohara vs. Tiger Jeet Singh/Tiger Jeet Singh Jr.
NJPW Battle 7 - January 4, 1995​

It's the first appearance in this thread of a man I've never wanted to watch: Tiger Ali Singh! He's teaming with his father, a man revered in Japan, for this tag team match against a Heisei Ishingun representative team. Let's see if it's any good.

Before the entrances have even finished, the Singhs are already brawling with their opponents. They have dueling rapiers for some reason, and yet they refuse to do the logical thing, instead hitting with the handles. It reminds me of how Triple H used a sledgehammer but only thrust it into his opponent's midsection. Ohara and Jr are in the entranceway, beside the elevated ramp, and soon Koshinaka and Sr join them. Jr grabs a bit of guardrail and taps Ohara with it. No idea what's going on with the other two, because NJPW staff are in the way of the camera. Sr comes over to hit Ohara with a cane, but Koshinaka comes out of nowhere and grabs the cane instead. When they're in the ring, the referee grabs the cane, and Sr takes control.

Jr is bashing Ohara around the outside as Sr tosses Koshinaka out. Now Ohara's rolled in and Sr controls him by fish-hooking him. Now Sr's out and tossing Ohara into the guardrail. Jr comes out to calm him down. I have no idea what's going on. The Singhs are now double-teaming Ohara in the ring. Jr hits a belly-to-belly suplex which doesn't look bad. Ohara no-sells an enzuigiri but not the following dropkick(??). Tree of woe spot. Koshinaka complains to the ref and Sr spits in his face. Now they're fighting over the ropes while Jr rest-holds Ohara. Sr gets into it with Koshinaka again, but Ohara comes in from behind and now the faces are double-teaming. They both put the boots in. After some cornered beatdowns, Ohara gets a flying forearm on Sr for two. Jr tries to attack Ohara, but Ohara spits at him and Jr shouts "FUCK YOU" very audibly. That popped me more than anything this match.

Ohara applies a sleeper on Sr, who gets a rope break. Sr comes back, gets Ohara into the corner, and tags in Jr. Jr hits a leg lariat and powerbomb but Koshinaka breaks up the pin. Ohara tanks a knee and slaps Sr into his corner, then Koshinaka comes in brawling, hitting a move that he doesn't call the Rear View. Sr kicks Ohara right in his Fuji and Yamahas (I tried, okay?). I've just noticed Jr is wearing Ultimate Warrior tassels. Sr has a spike and is preparing to stab Ohara with it, but hits Jr by mistake. Koshinaka and Jr brawl out as Ohara hits Sr with the spike in full view of the ref. Koshinaka recovers the cane and hits Jr with it. Ohara hits sliding elbows, but Sr breaks the pin with the rope. It's now just two brawls. Eventually Sr drops Ohara with a choke (not a chokeslam, just a choke) and gets the three.

If that made it sound like anything good happened in this match, then I gave completely the wrong impression. Ten minutes of mindless brawling that felt empty.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #132
Sting vs. Antonio Inoki
BVD Final Countdown Martial Arts Tournament Final Match
NJPW Battle 7 - January 4, 1995​

I'll be blunt: they could have just skipped to Sting vs. Inoki in the finals of the tournament. Say the rest of it took place in Rio or something. The result was always going to be Sting vs. Inoki, and so Sting/Inoki we get. This got minus 1 star from Dave, so let's see if it earns it.

We start with a staredown, as all martial arts matches do apparently. Inoki goes for an enzuigiri out of nowhere but Sting dodges. After a few attempts at a test-of-strength spot that go absolutely nowhere, Sting grabs Inoki's leg and puts on an STF. And now... not much happens. This hold lasts, no word of a lie, 2 minutes and 20 seconds, during which not much happens other than Sting lying on top of Inoki while both men occasionally grimace. The rope break finishes it. Back on feet, both men get a few open hands, Sting takes out Inoki's leg with a kick, and applies a single leg crab. This single hold takes up another minute and a half PLUS of the match. That's four minutes total of Sting listlessly putting on holds while Inoki lies under him. Sting hits a vertical suplex for two.

Sting puts on another facelock; Inoki's fight out of this is relatively brisk at 50 seconds. Sting hits some elbows, some leg kicks, and then applies the Scorpion Deathlock. Inoki eventually makes it to the ropes, but he's in a bad way. Sting hits a running elbow drop for two. He then teases the Scorpion again but instead goes for a Figure Four. Inoki has to drag himself to force a rope break again. Sting's running powerslam gets another two. He goes for another but Inoki gets a sleeper out of nowhere for the submission.

Honestly, worst match in this tournament. The majority felt like time-wasting, and Inoki's complete lack of offence meant his win felt like a fluke rather than a victory of the best "fighting spirit" or whatever.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #133
Bradshaw/Trish Stratus vs. Christopher Nowinski/Jackie Gayda
WWE Monday Night RAW - July 8, 2002​

That match was boring, now I need something short and entertainingly shit. Ah, yes. This match from a 2002 RAW which has become known in some circles as "THAT Jackie Gayda match". Now, Jackie Gayda wasn't good. She did enough "favours" that she was inexplicably declared co-winner of Tough Enough, ensuring that no men got a win despite the format, and her wrestling prowess played no part in that. But what separates this Jackie Gayda match from all the others, to the point that it was voted Worst Match of 2002? Let's find out!

Bradshaw is the Hardcore Champ at this time, and in his Stan Hansen wannabe phase. Nowinski challenges Bradshaw with a gridiron-style three point stance, but as soon as Bradshaw does the same, he ducks out like a COWARD and tags in Jackie. Trish and Jackie don't do too terribly initially, despite Jackie selling a few strikes noticeably late. Trish gets two off a running clothesline. The first major botch of this match happens right after. Presumably Jackie is meant to flapjack Trish on to the ropes, but instead she just dodges away and lets Trish smack herself against them. Trish lands on her feet, does what I think is a drop toe hold to Jackie, and brings them to the ropes so Jackie can do a grounded choke. At least Jackie can vaguely do chokes. Crowd hates this.

Nowinski back in. He tries to elbow drop Trish, but misses twice and now Bradshaw's back. Bradshaw gets a big boot. Nowinski dodges the Clothesline from Hell but suffers a fallaway slam. Jackie comes in and mounts Bradshaw (from behind, like a backpack, get your minds out of the gutter), who tosses her off (his back). The men brawl to the outside and into the crowd while Jackie struggles to understand she's meant to be taking a snapmare. Trish's knife edge chops hurt Jackie right in the implants. Jackie corners Trish on the other side, gets a boot choke, goes for a superplex, but Trish pushes her off, kicks her in the head, and hits Stratusfaction to end this match.

Wait, that's not what happened. Let me correct. Trish pushes her off and kicks her in the head. Jackie stumbles into the bulldog position. Trish hits her part of the move, but Jackie stands still as Trish passes her, remembers she's meant to fall, and then falls on her SIDE. Trish goes for the pin, Jackie kicks out at 2.9, forgetting that this is the finish of the match, but the ref counts three anyway. "Mercifully, it's over" says JR. Trish, clearly annoyed as hell, thanks the referee for ending this match before getting the hell out of this match. A match that had the "bowling shoe tendency" to put it lightly.

You can pinpoint the exact moment WWE gave up on Jackie, and it's that flapjack spot. And that wasn't even the worst botch of the match. So bad it's amazing.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #134
Katey Harvey vs. Kazza G
Hairspray on a Pole Match
CCW Summerbrawl - August 10, 2013​

As with most nerds, I spend way too much time on TV Tropes. One thing I notice a lot in the pro wrestling-based pages is there's a lot of talk about Celtic Championship Wrestling. This was an Irish promotion that died in 2018 after being (mis)run for six years by abusive, bigoted drunkard Lee Calahane. And one point I noticed on a couple of pages:

Katey Harvey is ashamed of a 'Hairspray on a Pole' match she had for Celtic Championship Wrestling - where the pole used was literally the end of a vacuum cleaner that she was taller than. She's been teased about it for years and says "people just need to let it die."

Lucky for us (but unlucky for Katey, and the future Session Moth Martina who was her opponent) this match was filmed, so it's prime material!

Kazza does a few ground stomps to pump the crowd up, and commentary says she needs to drop a few pounds. Ugh. Katey rolls out of the ring and goes for the pole from the outside, but Kazza stops her and whips her into stuff in that staple of out-of-ring brawling. Kazza seems a little afraid to throw herself into moves, visibly slowing down for a forearm and not putting her all into armdrags. An elbow drop to "the boob", as one commentator puts it, and Kazza goes for the pole, but Katey gets up and tosses her down with a powerbomb. Very much a Kevin Nash style powerbomb, standing ramrod straight for the whole of it. Now Katey to the pole. Kazza shakes the ropes to trip her but Katey puts the boots in. Not really, though, the boots visibly miss.

Kazza G went to the Velvet Sky school of running the ropes. She tries to do a crossbody-catch-slam spot, but jumps way too low so Katey has to catch her super low. Katey to the pole, but Kazza pulls her down so she lands right on her forehead. Katey tries that bounce-off-the-ropes-from-the-corner thing that most women wrestlers do these days, but gets nowhere near enough clearance and Kazza has to really duck. Katey uses a Gory Bomb then goes for a second rope double axe handle (while Kazza is on her hands and knees, so she has to really go out of her way to make it look like it hit). She announces she's going to use Kazza as a ladder, which just lets Kazza push her off, get the boot up, and hit a somewhat unclean Tornado DDT.

Double down, Kazza starts Kazza-ing up, and hits a bulldog. Katey's a little late, but not as late as Jackie Gayda was. Kazza can get her hands on the hairspray from the second rope (they weren't kidding about the vacuum cleaner thing), Katey goes for the powerbomb, but it's converted into a headscissors takedown. Kazza gets the headscissors, kicks the air, and sprays Katey in her covered face. Codebreaker wins it for Kazza.

Two inexperienced workers have a botchy and awkward but not completely awful match. I can definitely see why Katey doesn't want to think about this one, but then again, she doesn't want to think about CCW at all given what happened to her there. Not good.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #135
Jessie Bennett vs. Faby Apache vs. Lady Metal
Elimination Match
ARSION ARS '98 Tournament - May 5, 1998​

I read a lot of blogs about bad matches, so I can broaden my horizons for this thread. One of the regulars on Scott Keith's site does a feature called "Anatomy of a Disaster" which features bad matches. And they've mentioned that they could easily have done an Anatomy of a Disaster on this match. Come on, it's classic joshi content! Sure, no actual Japanese women, but it can't be that bad, can it?

They helpfully show the win/loss records of each of the participants during the introductions. Metal's on 1-1, Faby's on 0-3, and Jessie (not really related to the much better-known Reggie Bennett) is 1-9! So this is essentially a match between three losers in search of a win. Good to know.

Jessie and Faby get into it with chops before Faby topples her with a dropkick. The two luchadoras try to double-team Jessie. It works the first time, but the second time Jessie gets a double clothesline. Jessie hits a surprisingly agile kick and shouts "USA!" before a Pedigree on Faby. Metal has to break it up at 2.99 (she feels quite late). Metal gets the same Pedigree treatment (but doesn't jump as high) and Faby breaks it up. Though this time, Faby's really early and has to stand around a bit before breaking up the pin at two.

Faby dropkicks Jessie out of the ring, then has Metal hold her hand through a somewhat awkward-looking springboard crossbody. Metal and Faby seem to be lining up for double dropkicks as Jessie rolls back into the ring, but only Metal goes for it. They attack Jessie together on the ground before Faby hits a springboard moonsault while Metal holds Jessie down. The resulting three-count is uneven, you can hear the ref stall before going from two to three. And then Jessie kicks out at 3.1? What the fuck was that? Did Jessie forget to kick out? Did the ref botch by forgetting to count three? We'll never know, sadly. Jessie flips both luchadoras off before rolling out, like a true American.

Now it's just the luchadoras. Faby hits one of those tilt-a-whirl backbreakers that's so fast you can't tell if Metal landed on it or not. Metal responds with a palm strike. We get a really weird spot after this. Faby tries to charge Metal in the corner and goes over the ropes. Metal walks away, then remembers that the next spot is in the corner and just walks back, leaving Faby awkwardly standing on the apron. The best part is this is meant to set up a missile dropkick, which Metal gets right up from. Faby tries to run the ropes (emphasis on tries). Metal hits a slam thing which I think was meant to be a kneeling backbreaker but Faby deadweighted her. Metal takes her eyes off her opponent so Faby dropkicks her in the back, sliding her out. Faby hits a tope suicida that gets no real distance. Though, at least it clears the ropes.

Small package by Metal gets two. There's then meant to be a spot where Metal counters a powerbomb attempt into an armdrag, but she slips right off and falls on the mat like nothing. Faby's leg drop gets two, then La Magistral does the same. Metal hits that same botch-looking slam thing again. Faby hits a pop-up powerbomb (well, not that far up). Metal gets a powerbomb of her own, but transitions it into her finish. Said finish is called "La Mostita" allegedly, but I can only find that name in reference to this match. It's sort of like an Indian deathlock, sort of like Milano/SANADA's Paradise Lock, and is actually really cool. Have a look. Can't save this match though.

I thought this was going to be an example of joshi fans having over-inflated standards, but no, it really was that sloppy and botchy! The inexperience of two of the competitors showed, but Metal had nine years under her belt and thus no excuse.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #136
Antonio Inoki vs. Willie Williams
Mixed Martial Arts Match
NJPW Wrestling World in Tokyo Dome - January 4, 1997​

With Wrestling Kingdom approaching, I've tried to identify a few negatively received matches in the history of the January 4 shows so I can document them here. This is one, from the 1997 event. And once again, it's Inoki facing off against a random martial artist. To be fair, not totally random - Willie Williams faced Inoki in 1980 in a match that was effectively proto-MMA, and was voted by some magazine as the best shootfight of the 20th century. Despite being, you know, a work, and ending in a double count-out. The difference here is, it's not 1980 anymore. Williams and Inoki are respectively 45 and 53, and that's just not fighting age. This will be another worked MMA (allegedly) match. Let's see how age has decayed two men.

Right from the start Williams is laying into Inoki, pounding him and bringing him down in the corner. Inoki sits his ass down for a count of seven. Long staredown. Williams goes for a kick, Inoki grabs the leg, and they go down in what I'm reliably informed is called "ground game". To me, it just looks like a shirtless hug. Williams controls Inoki's arm and drags him around to get a rope break, but Inoki stays on top for a bit (through multiple five-counts) before finally getting a clean break. Williams beats Inoki to the ropes, gets a very floppy-looking suplex(?? I have no idea what it's meant to be) but Inoki ends up on top again. Inoki breaks out of the front facelock, seems to be going for a chickenwing, but Williams gets the rope break.

Williams goes for big kicks but Inoki dodges away. Williams establishes a waistlock, but Inoki clings into the corner as the referee tries and mostly fails to force a break. Williams keeps going for strikes. Inoki slaps on the Cobra Twist (which is, let's be honest, just an abdominal stretch) and goes to ground until Williams gives up. That's your lot.

At least it didn't feature Inoki getting his ass kicked for four minutes and winning with one move, but this was a surreal experience that I don't know why anyone would want to watch.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #137
Shinya Hashimoto vs. Dennis Lane
Different Style Fight
NJPW Final Power Hall in Tokyo Dome - January 4, 1998​

We don't have to travel far, just to the next year, where we find this match. Shinya Hashimoto faces Dennis "Hurricane" Lane (apparently a K-1 guy) in a martial arts rounds match. Who's gonna win? Who the fuck cares? I'll be glad to see the back of worked martial arts matches once I've gotten through the dozens I could easily cover for this thread.

Round 1 sees Lane going for strikes that don't meet their target. Lane gets some kicks and punches but Hashimoto shoves him into the ropes. More striking by Lane, Hashimoto grounds him. And Lane doesn't get up. Turns out he's hurt his ankle somehow, and Hashimoto just straight up wins.

You don't like to see guys getting legit injured. Unless it was a work, in which case... WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT?

 

[Kenoh]

Matches like that are a good showcase as to why some of their top talent left for AJPW and freelance for a good while.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #138
Kazuchika Okada vs. YOSHI-HASHI
NJPW Wrestle Kingdom VI - January 4, 2012​

There are a few memorably bad matches in NJPW's Tokyo Dome shows in the 2000s but I couldn't find any way to watch them aside for paying for what I'm told is one of the worst wrestling related streaming services today. So instead we skip to 2012, and this match which apparently sucked. It's the first return match of two Young Lions: YOSHI-HASHI, who'd returned from Mexico, learned how to be a heel, and joined CHAOS; and Okada, who'd returned from TNA, learned how the wrestling business can suck sometimes, and not joined anything yet. Let's see what's up.

YOSHI-HASHI attacks Okada before the bell. He gives Okada a bit of a beating before Okada counters with a dropkick. Now it's Okada's turn to brawl a bit before YOSHI-HASHI flapjacks him on to the ropes, sending him outside for a dive spot. Back in the ring, YOSHI-HASHI uses what I think is meant to be an eye rake. It's pretty weird to see this early version of the Rainmaker character as a face, usually Okada's the one using heelish tactics and he was pure heel for the first few years of his run. Sliding dropkick by YOSHI-HASHI gets two. He then goes for an illegal grounded choke, then an illegal cornered... something. Whatever it is, he gets into it with the ref for giving him a five-count over it.

Okada dodges a corner elbow and hits some uppercuts. YOSHI-HASHI recovers with a sitout facebuster and jumping powerslam(??) for two. He pulls out the Bunker Buster and heads up top for the Loose Explosion Swanton, but Okada gets out of the way. (As an aside: somehow that Swanton looked even more dangerous than when current Jeff Hardy does it). Okada hits the Reverse Neckbreaker (that's apparently what it's called, but it's more of an Air Raid Crash on to to the knee) and finishes it off with a somewhat low-impact feeling Rainmaker for the win.

Not too bad, but the reason why it's remembered so poorly is clear: it was really generic, low-stakes feeling, which means it doesn't fit on a Wrestle Kingdom card at all.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #139
Kazushi Sakuraba/Yuji Nagata vs. Daniel Gracie/Rolles Gracie
NJPW Wrestle Kingdom VIII - January 4, 2014​

And we come to what I think would be the final stop on our "Wrestle Kingdom bad match rewind" tour. This effort from 2014, which much like many of the matches on this list, features martial artists who don't understand a worked match! Two of the apparently-millions of Gracies (because apparently, everyone in that family has to do BJJ no matter what) face Sakuraba, who's known for beating Gracies, and Nagata, who has MMA experience also (0-2, total match time 1:23). I'm expecting very little.

We start off with Rolles vs. Sakuraba. They're awkwardly feeling each other out. Sakuraba grabs Rolles' gi a few times so he has to adjust it back into place. Sakuraba goes for a waistlock but Rolles converts into a standing arm triangle. More staring and trying to grab at each other until Rolles gets a double leg takedown on Sakuraba and puts on a triangle choke. Sakuraba gets out and kicks his opponent who's gone full "upended turtle" mode. Rolles tries for a kneebar but Nagata comes in to break it up. I'm going to say this is already better than the other non-wrestler martial artist NJPW matches I've watched. Because something is happening.

Now Nagata vs. Daniel. Daniel grounds but doesn't pound, then does a really weird move where he slides along Nagata's legs, thrusting his crotch forward, and then gets back on Nagata. I wish I knew how to GIF that. He tries to control the arm but Nagata turns around and there's a rope break. I get the feeling Rolles is more suited to this than Daniel, because for this section of the match, the grappling looks both less legit and more aimless. Nagata goes for an illegal choke briefly. Crowd wakes up when he tries to kick Daniel's leg out from under his leg. Daniel brings Nagata into his corner while holding a sleeper, then argues with the referee about a rope break. Oh, okay. The Gracies are heels.

Rolles in now, and he gives Nagata some weird looking strikes. It's like he's just swinging his arms. Reminds me of Jenna Morasca. I feel dirty for making thar comparison. Daniel holds Nagata in the corner so Rolles can give some knees. Nagata grounds Daniel and tries a cross-arm breaker but can't separate the arms, so Daniel reverses into one of his own! This time Sakuraba breaks it up. Nagata soon boots Rolles a bit and tags in Sakuraba. Sakuraba gets fast strikes, a fireman's carry takeover, and attempts the cross-arm breaker himself, but he can't get it locked in before the rope break. Rolles looks like he's about to go for some sort of suplex but instead he drags Sakuraba into his corner.

Daniel puts in some gentle knees. He hits a rolling (floppy) suplex and tries a front facelock but Sakuraba gets on top. He does some weird cross-chops for the crowd. Nagata comes in and they both cover Daniel in kicks. Nagata counters a facelock into a back suplex for two. He gets an armbar while Sakuraba neutralises Rolles on the outside. Nagata goes for another back suplex but Daniel sweeps the leg. And then, instead of trying to apply a submission with any part of his body, he chokes Nagata with his gi, losing by DQ for no real reason. What? They have a bit of a bilingual promo setting up a rematch.

I get what they were trying to do here - the Gracies know they can't win legit (despite being Gracies, who SHOULD be able to win legit) so they go for pro wrestling-style rule bending. Only problem is, there wasn't much reason to care. Crowd only gave a shit for Nagata rallying. The action wasn't as awful as I'd expected, but it definitely wasn't that interesting and the finish dragged it down.

 

[Rosie]

I think the closest I could think of would be either Naito vs Jeff Hardy, which you reviewed, or something from the pre-WK days on Jan 4th in the Inokism on steroids years.

 

[Kenoh]

I get what they were trying to do here - the Gracies know they can't win legit (despite being Gracies, who SHOULD be able to win legit)

Sakuraba beat Royler Gracie, Renzo Gracie, Ryan Gracie, and Royce Gracie and was even dubbed the "Graice Hunter / Killer". His matches against them in non-wrestling matches showcased how weak BJJ actually is compared to Catch Wrestling and even Amateur Wrestling. Nagata was also trained in Amateur and Greco-Roman so if it became a shoot both of them would have won.