Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #125
Abyss vs. Black Reign vs. Rellik vs. Shark Boy
Silent Night, Bloody Night Match
TNA Impact - December 20, 2007​

A bunch of people have heard of this match, even if they haven't seen it. Why? Four words: BARBED WIRE CHRISTMAS TREE. This is a unique match type that I'm pretty sure only ever appeared here. Basically, there's a Christmas tree made of barbed wire in the middle of the ring, and the presents under it are weapons for the wrestlers to use. This also happens to feature two infamous characters from TNA's history: Rellik (that's killer spelled backwards) and Black Reign, or as he's better known, "Dustin Rhodes at his lowest". Is it really that bad? Let's find out.

On closer inspection, the barbed wire Christmas tree is suspended from the ceiling. Shark Boy comes out all banged up. Black Reign comes out with a rat who is adorable and doesn't deserve to be here. Abyss chucks Reign out of the ring. Back in the ring, Rellik unwraps a golf club but Shark Boy grabs it and hits him with it. I now notice Shark Boy's got bandages on the fin of his mask. Abyss downs Reign with a big boot, splashes him in the corner, then hits a hip attack. However, Rellik comes in so the two heels can get in a modified Hart Attack on Abyss.

Coming back from commercial, Shark Boy is rinsing both Rellik and Reign with a kendo stick. Shark Boy unwraps a spike of some sort, but Black Reign stops him using it and hits a Pedigree (which is apparently called the Blackout). Father James Mitchell is in attendance. There's blood on the mat and I'm not sure where it's from. Must have happened during the break. Reign whips Shark Boy into the tree, which he sells like he's a pinball. Reign's about to give Rellik the same treatment but he stops himself. Abyss is about to climb back into the ring but Rellik wipes him out. Rellik hits a wheelbarrow slam on Shark Boy, then he and Reign start pulling each other off pin attempts. Abyss comes in while they're arguing and downs both.

Abyss opens a present to find a barbed wire bat... bat shots for everyone! He then pulls out a bag of his signature thumbtacks, followed by a second bag containing broken glass! (Presumably real glass, because that's a reference I have to keep making in 2023.) Abyss is about to chokeslam both heels into the piles of sharpness but they break out. Shark Boy helps(?) with a top-rope fall to Reign. They whip both Reign and Rellik into the corner and try to swing the tree at both. Rellik gets away; Reign doesn't. Chokeslam to Reign but Mitchell distracts the ref so he doesn't count Abyss' pin. Lights out, suddenly Judas Mesias is out here, spewing blood from his mouth, he hits Straight to Hell (Flatliner) on the tacks, Rellik with a Jackhammer on Shark Boy to get the win.

Not an abomination. Kind of overbooked, and mostly weapon shots, but mostly watchable.

 

[Rosie]

And to think Judas Mesias becomes Mil Murtes.

 

[Chris]

Entry #125
Abyss vs. Black Reign vs. Rellik vs. Shark Boy
Silent Night, Bloody Night Match
TNA Impact - December 20, 2007​

A bunch of people have heard of this match, even if they haven't seen it. Why? Four words: BARBED WIRE CHRISTMAS TREE. This is a unique match type that I'm pretty sure only ever appeared here. Basically, there's a Christmas tree made of barbed wire in the middle of the ring, and the presents under it are weapons for the wrestlers to use. This also happens to feature two infamous characters from TNA's history: Rellik (that's killer spelled backwards) and Black Reign, or as he's better known, "Dustin Rhodes at his lowest". Is it really that bad? Let's find out.

On closer inspection, the barbed wire Christmas tree is suspended from the ceiling. Shark Boy comes out all banged up. Black Reign comes out with a rat who is adorable and doesn't deserve to be here. Abyss chucks Reign out of the ring. Back in the ring, Rellik unwraps a golf club but Shark Boy grabs it and hits him with it. I now notice Shark Boy's got bandages on the fin of his mask. Abyss downs Reign with a big boot, splashes him in the corner, then hits a hip attack. However, Rellik comes in so the two heels can get in a modified Hart Attack on Abyss.

Coming back from commercial, Shark Boy is rinsing both Rellik and Reign with a kendo stick. Shark Boy unwraps a spike of some sort, but Black Reign stops him using it and hits a Pedigree (which is apparently called the Blackout). Father James Mitchell is in attendance. There's blood on the mat and I'm not sure where it's from. Must have happened during the break. Reign whips Shark Boy into the tree, which he sells like he's a pinball. Reign's about to give Rellik the same treatment but he stops himself. Abyss is about to climb back into the ring but Rellik wipes him out. Rellik hits a wheelbarrow slam on Shark Boy, then he and Reign start pulling each other off pin attempts. Abyss comes in while they're arguing and downs both.

Abyss opens a present to find a barbed wire bat... bat shots for everyone! He then pulls out a bag of his signature thumbtacks, followed by a second bag containing broken glass! (Presumably real glass, because that's a reference I have to keep making in 2023.) Abyss is about to chokeslam both heels into the piles of sharpness but they break out. Shark Boy helps(?) with a top-rope fall to Reign. They whip both Reign and Rellik into the corner and try to swing the tree at both. Rellik gets away; Reign doesn't. Chokeslam to Reign but Mitchell distracts the ref so he doesn't count Abyss' pin. Lights out, suddenly Judas Mesias is out here, spewing blood from his mouth, he hits Straight to Hell (Flatliner) on the tacks, Rellik with a Jackhammer on Shark Boy to get the win.

Not an abomination. Kind of overbooked, and mostly weapon shots, but mostly watchable.

I lowkey love this match, it was right around when I started watching wrestling after a forced sabbatical (parents said I couldn't bc they saw the tim white suicide vids on WWE.com in the search history)

 

[Chris]

And to think Judas Mesias becomes Mil Murtes.

Blew my fucking mind when I found this out

 

[Sky]

Entry #126
Kevin Thorn/Ariel vs. Mike Knox/Kelly Kelly
WWE ECW December to Dismember - December 3, 2006​

I took a look at my checklists for matches that came in December, but really, there weren't many. Not a lot happens in December wrestling these days, not even the bad stuff. I was thinking of having a look at some Starrcade matches, but then I remembered this stinker happened at December to Dismember. The same night as that cursed Elimination Chamber. Reminder: this was an ECW show. Because when you think of ECW, you think of Kelly fucking Kelly. So, let's give this a look, shall we?

Kelly, like the ECW fans, would rather see CM Punk, so she grabs the mic and wishes Punk good luck pre-match. The vampire fans start off with a pre-match makeout sesh. I get the feeling I know who's winning this.

While Knox and Thorn initiate some of the most generic mid-2000s WWE-style offence you've ever seen, the crowd chants for either Kelly, or Sabu, who's just been kayfabe injured to remove him from the EC match. I can't tell. Thorn comes in with forearms and elbows before working the back and neck (because vampires amirite?). Ariel leans over the rope to give support, seemingly just to give the camera a shot of her entire ass. Knox gets a hair whip and a lariat. Kelly is positively overjoyed. There's a "SOH CAH TOA" sign in the crowd, presumably from someone who's a HUGE fan of right-angled triangles.

Ariel screams at the top of her lungs (somewhere, a young Madison Rayne watches and learns). Thorn hits a lariat which gets a similar lack of reaction to Knox's. Thorn gets into it with the ref so Knox can fight back. Knox gets a slam for two, and a big boot but Thorn gets his foot on the rope. Knox applies a headlock which gets an EC-Dub chant somehow. Ariel is leaning so hard on the ropes that she almost falls over.

The women get tagged in, though Knox has to be convinced to let Kelly wrestle. And... it's certainly not good. That's mostly on Kelly, who has no idea what she or anyone else is doing. She sells like she's trying to avoid real punches, rather than convince you she's being hit by fake ones. Ariel's primary offence is hair-pulling around the ropes. We get a corner boot choke from Ariel, apparently just so the cameras can get a shot of her with her legs spread as far apart as possible. She then does a stripper dance before an elbow drop. Kelly goes for the tag but Knox refuses to give it to her and leaves. After that, it's academic (though what academy you learn this shit in, I'd never want to know) as Ariel goes for another hair-pull/neck crank before finishing it with that choke STO that Alexa Bliss uses. Post-match Sandman shows up to cane Thorn. No one gets over!

Yeah that was bad. Generic borefest when the men were in, devolving into total dogshit when Ariel and Kelly tagged in.

 

[Sky]

Entry #127
Daniel Puder vs. Mike Mizanin
Dixie Dog Fight
WWE Armageddon - December 12, 2004​

Something that also regularly happened in December: WWE putting on C-tier PPVs. It's very understandable why they don't bother these days. Armageddon 2004 had some real heavy hitters like uh... two matches where a Charlie Haas love triangle figures in the storyline, and Kenzo Suzuki getting a tag title shot. But this is the main infamous one - the "Dixie Dog Fight" between Million Dollar Tough Enough finalists Mike "The Miz" Mizanin and Daniel Puder. It's a worked boxing match. Those are never good. Let's get it over with.

Al Snow is on commentary because he has experience in pretending to train wrestlers. Teddy Long comes out to not hype the crowd up at all. The Georgia boxing commissioner and an outside referee give the match an air of legitimacy. Apparently the rules are three one-minute rounds, an 8-count for knockdowns, no standing eight, no three-knockdown TKO, and no saved-by-the-bell moments. I don't watch boxing, but that seems lame.

No idea how to commentate on this. They box a bit. Puder gets some shots. He slips down to one knee near the ropes and the ref calls for a break. Puder seems to have the edge at this point. Taz references Brawl for All. Round 1 ends pretty soon. Then there's a rest period that's a minute long. As long as the rounds. Round 2 has Miz flailing around and Puder getting a shot to the back of the head. Apparently Miz is hurt by that but I don't know or care. That's round 2. Round 3 sees Miz wildly throwing hands again while Puder has the more disciplined approach. Almost as if he's the one with actual combat sport experience or something. Miz spends a lot of time grappling Puder's head (not allowed, surely?) or clockwatching. That's it, all 3 rounds.

No winner in the 3 rounds, so it goes to a decision... by the fans, for some reason. Puder's more over so he wins. Both cut pretty bad promos afterward, but Puder in particular puts over UFC and buries this match concept. Wonder why he pissed everyone off.

More like Dixie Dog Shit ha ha ha ha ha I want to die. That was genuinely baffling stuff, I have no idea why anyone would want to watch it.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #127
Daniel Puder vs. Mike Mizanin
Dixie Dog Fight
WWE Armageddon - December 12, 2004​

Something that also regularly happened in December: WWE putting on C-tier PPVs. It's very understandable why they don't bother these days. Armageddon 2004 had some real heavy hitters like uh... two matches where a Charlie Haas love triangle figures in the storyline, and Kenzo Suzuki getting a tag title shot. But this is the main infamous one - the "Dixie Dog Fight" between Million Dollar Tough Enough finalists Mike "The Miz" Mizanin and Daniel Puder. It's a worked boxing match. Those are never good. Let's get it over with.

Al Snow is on commentary because he has experience in pretending to train wrestlers. Teddy Long comes out to not hype the crowd up at all. The Georgia boxing commissioner and an outside referee give the match an air of legitimacy. Apparently the rules are three one-minute rounds, an 8-count for knockdowns, no standing eight, no three-knockdown TKO, and no saved-by-the-bell moments. I don't watch boxing, but that seems lame.

No idea how to commentate on this. They box a bit. Puder gets some shots. He slips down to one knee near the ropes and the ref calls for a break. Puder seems to have the edge at this point. Taz references Brawl for All. Round 1 ends pretty soon. Then there's a rest period that's a minute long. As long as the rounds. Round 2 has Miz flailing around and Puder getting a shot to the back of the head. Apparently Miz is hurt by that but I don't know or care. That's round 2. Round 3 sees Miz wildly throwing hands again while Puder has the more disciplined approach. Almost as if he's the one with actual combat sport experience or something. Miz spends a lot of time grappling Puder's head (not allowed, surely?) or clockwatching. That's it, all 3 rounds.

No winner in the 3 rounds, so it goes to a decision... by the fans, for some reason. Puder's more over so he wins. Both cut pretty bad promos afterward, but Puder in particular puts over UFC and buries this match concept. Wonder why he pissed everyone off.

More like Dixie Dog Shit ha ha ha ha ha I want to die. That was genuinely baffling stuff, I have no idea why anyone would want to watch it.

What would you prefer, watching the WM 27 main event, or watch this on loop for the same amount of time as that match lasted?

 

[Sky]

What would you prefer, watching the WM 27 main event, or watch this on loop for the same amount of time as that match lasted?

Honestly, WM27 main event. At least the content in that is recognisable as something. Not entertainment but... something

 

[Sky]

Entry #128
Hiroshi Tanahashi/Toru Yano vs. EVIL/Gedo
NJPW Road to Wrestling Dontaku - April 20, 2021​

With the recent news of Tana becoming President of NJPW (which totally blindsided me) I had to see if I could make this relevant to my thread. The joint-lowest rated Tana match on Cagematch is this, with 3.62/10. (The other is a 2023 match which I'd rather not touch until 2024 rolls around.) I get the feeling I know why, as neither House of Torture (I know it's not HoT yet) nor Toru Yano is very popular with NJPW watchers from what I can tell. This probably won't be that bad, because the bar for NJPW is way higher, but let's give it a go anyway.

"Still Switchblade Era" shouts Gedo, because of course Jay White can't be in Japan at the moment. Dick Togo is out here wearing an ill-fitting beret. Reminds me of the Truth Commission (note to self: watch Truth Commission matches). Yano's out with his KOPW trophy and Tana has the NEVER Openweight Title. Also, because it's 2021 in Japan, it's a clapping crowd, so I'll expect eerie silences.

Tana gets his muscles out to get the crowd clapping. The heels Too Sweet each other down low but the faces jump them. Double shoulderblock to EVIL, and now it's two fights on the outside. EVIL rakes Yano's eyes and tosses him into a barricade, wiping out a NJPW staffer in the process. He then uses a chair to choke Yano, while on the other side of the ring, Gedo is gently caressing Tana's neck. Back in the ring, EVIL puts on a manji-gatame with Togo pulling his arm on the outside. In comes Gedo, who slaps on a hammerlock to work Yano's arm until the rope break. Yano recovers, pulls the corner pad, and despite taking an eye poke whips Gedo into it. EVIL comes in but is downed with a hair pull, and now here comes Tana.

Tana gives some dropkicks, and when Togo tries to interfere he gets dragonscrewed. Tana's second rope senton bomb gets a two-count. He looks like he's preparing a Sling Blade on Gedo, but EVIL breaks it up. Tana gets his leg caught by EVIL, EVIL passes it to the referee so he can try a nut shot, but Tana catches EVIL's leg. He then asks the ref to put his leg down so he can do a dragonscrew leg whip. That's a GREAT spot, and don't you forget it. Dragonscrew for Gedo too. Tana gets the Cloverleaf but EVIL breaks it up and whips him into the still-exposed corner.

Togo creates a distraction so Gedo can pull brass knuckles out of his big bag o'tricks. Tana blocks it, Yano wipes out Togo, and creates a distraction of his own so Tana can grab the brass knuckles. He looks like he's about to give Gedo a taste of his own medicine... before EVIL comes in and uppercuts both babyfaces right in the nads. Gedo finally gets to use the brass on Tana, drawing a DQ. Post-match, there's a beatdown before EVIL pulls out the KOPW trophy and spray paints it black. Because he's a heel. That's what heels do.

And you know what heels also do? Trash perfectly fine matches because they happen to be somewhat "American-style" in Japan. This was an okay if unspectacular match that's right on the top of the list.

 

[Sky]

Entry #129
Sting vs. Tony Palmore
BVD Final Countdown Martial Arts Tournament Semi-Final Match
NJPW Battle 7 - January 4, 1995​

Every year on the 4th of January, NJPW puts on its biggest show of the year. While nowadays we expect Wrestle Kingdom to be the host of banger after banger... well, it's always been like that. Sort of. There's never really been a bad WK. There have been bad matches at WK, though, and that's where I come in! This was part of a one-night tournament featuring Sting and Inoki facing two martial artists, the winners coming against each other in the final. Sting's opponent is Tony Palmore, a kickboxer whose heyday was the 1970s. It's also the only NJPW match, and one of two Japanese matches, to be a Worst Match of the Year! This can't be a good idea, can it?

Palmore looks past it and out of shape right away. The opening consists of him throwing high strikes at Sting while he keeps his guard up. Sting attempts a grapple maybe once but otherwise does nothing. Palmore's strikes are either obviously pulled or complete stiffing, clearly no one's taught him how to work punches properly. Suddenly, Sting gets a hip toss completely out of nowhere, and slaps on a chinlock before Palmore gets a rope break. Palmore starts kicking Sting seemingly legit, including a nasty looking one that gets him in the back of the head. More shoot kicks, then an axe kick that would make Booker T proud. Palmore starts attacking Sting while he's down like the heel he is.

Palmore goes for a kick but Sting counters and they stumble awkwardly in what I think was meant to be a belly-to-belly front suplex, but could have easily been flubbed. Now back to Palmore throwing a mix of obviously-worked punches and wild shoot kicks. Another axe kick and Sting's stumbling. Sting continues to just take it, until out of nowhere, he grabs Palmore's leg and puts on the Scorpion Deathlock to end this match.

One of those superbly odd experiences you only get when non-wrestlers try to wrestle. This was very obviously bad, though not minus-4-star and WMOTY bad. Palmore isn't a wrestler, and Sting got basically nothing until he slapped on his submission. There's a reason why he never did shoot-style, though I'd love to see that.

 

[Chris]

As bad as it is, it was so short that I'm also shocked this was WMOTY compared to some other candidates in all 3 major American companies

 

[Bobby Barrows]

This absolutely is not the worst match of 1995 lol, Taker/IRS or Taker/Bundy is farrrrrrr worse than this lmfao

 

[Chris]

Did Taker not fight Mabel in 1995 too? There was also the King of the Road match

 

[Chris]

Fucking Duggan vs Meng in that travesty at Uncensored I believe

 

[Bobby Barrows]

Did Taker not fight Mabel in 1995 too? There was also the King of the Road match

Taker/Mabel and Diesel/Mabel were also fuckin garbage too lol. King of the Road was trash 1995 was an all time bad year for wrestling.