Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #117
Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Henry O. Godwinn
Arkansas Hog Pen Match
WWF In Your House 5: Season's Beatings - December 17, 1995​

So, December is upon us, and everyone (well, almost everyone) is in a Christmas mood. What better time to look at this show, which had two notably negatively received matches. Sure, it had Bret vs. Bulldog, but it also had this. Early run Triple H pretty much had only one feud, of the slobs vs. snobs type. He clashed with Duke "The Dumpster" Droese, and he clashed with pig farmer Henry O. Godwinn (H.O.G, GET IT????). And so this match was made. A match whose finish will happen in mud mixed with what is implied to be pig faeces. Among actual pigs. God damn. Let's see how bad this is.

One of the greatest losses of the WWE Network: special guest referee Hillbilly Jim's theme is dubbed. Mercifully, this one is starting in the ring. HOG comes out with a slop bucket and threatens HHH with it. He only succeeds in splatting Tony Chimel and some people in the crowd. Very basic match to start, and after one back body drop HHH has to rest on the outside. HOG headbutts his opponent in the ribs, then ties him up in the ropes so he can mash slop into his face. I actually hate gimmicks where the point is being physically disgusting. I hated Bastion Booger, and I hate this. HHH takes back control, with punching in the corner and a neckbreaker. A high knee and HOG rolls out. On the outside, HOG manages to battering-ram HHH's head into the steps. Some of the pigs have fallen asleep. Fitting.

Now they go to the vicinity of the hog pen. They take it in turns to mash each other into the guardrail. HHH whips HOG into the gate. He then tries to Pedigree HOG in, but HOG goes for a back body drop, and now HHH is precariously on the hog pen's fence. He elbow drops HOG off the fence, then heads right back to the ring. Hillbilly Jim helps HOG follow him. Biased officiating!

The basic wrestling continues, then. HOG hits a wheelbarrow facebuster, then whips him into the corner so hard he rolls all the way over. Twice. HOG throws some more slop (thankfully off-camera) and they brawl to the hog pen. HOG teases the Slop Drop on concrete but HHH grabs the rail and falls forward instead. Irish whip into the gate, then HOG hits the Slop Drop for real. The hogs have woken up. HOG goes for a charging clothesline, HHH back body drops, pig farmer's in the hog pen, that's the finish. Post-match, Hillbilly Jim helps HOG bring HHH into the muck too.

You know what? I misunderstood what this match was going to be about. I thought they would be in the hog pen throughout, like the Extreme Rules 2009 match (I dread having to watch that match). Aside from the disgust factor of the slop-throwing spots, it was very basic but mostly inoffensive.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #118
The Undertaker vs. King Mabel
Casket Match
WWF In Your House 5: Season's Beatings - December 17, 1995​

Maybe I'm making a mistake by looking at the King Mabel saga from the finish rather than from the start, biut it was on the same show as the last match so why not? This is pretty well known as the last match Mabel had on the major stage before he got the boot. A meteoric rise due to being big, and a spectacular collapse due to not knowing how to avoid injuring his opponent's legit. It's like Nia Jax, but without the spectacular collapse. Let's go.

There's a fun little detail where the casket being wheeled out by Sir Mo is covered in graffiti (sick BSK reference). Mabel's throne-carriers include a young Jeff Hardy! And don't think I forgot the detail where Undertaker always said he used to draw out his entrances if he knew the match would suck. So, time of Undertaker's entrance, from first bong to the time he steps out of the ring to engage Mabel: 2 minutes, 50 seconds. Make of that what you will. Also, Taker is wearing an opera mask because the big unsafe fucker he's facing tonight smashed his orbital bone in an earlier match.

We kick off with a bit of basic brawling. Taker gets a corner choke, followed by a corner splash. Mabel hits a falling side slam. The crowd pops as if someone's going to run in on this match, but no one does. Taker does his sit-up off a clothesline, then to avoid a second rope splash attempt by Mabel. He struggles to bring the man in gold pyjamas off his feet, but Mo distracts him so Mabel can hit a belly-to-belly and his dangerous-looking leg drop. Taker tries to sit up, but he can't. Running splash by Mabel.

Mo drags Taker out of the ring and carries him towards the casket, He puts Taker in, but forgets to close the lid like a fucking idiot. Mabel goes to shut the lid but Taker stops it. Now it's Taker's comeback. Punches, clotheslines, and Mabel's stumbling until Taker downs him with a forearm. Taker hits a seriously low chokeslam (hampered by Mabel's inability to jump). He kicks Mabel in the back, rolling him into the casket. Mo stops Taker from shutting the lid, but Taker no-sells everything and chokeslams him before rolling him into the casket for a 2-for-1 win. However, he STILL stalls on closing it in favour of taking the gold chain that Mo was wearing (which apparently was on the urn at some point? I don't really know). Anyway, Taker wins.

A match where offence was limited, and which the face won because the heel is an idiot. And this is apparently one of the better King Mabel matches. Fuck.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #119
Hollywood Hogan vs. The Warrior
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 25, 1998​

What's to say about the Ultimate Warrior? He was the most consistently awful "top guy" in the history of WWE or even American wrestling in general. His matches sucked. He was a pure Hogan clone without what made Hogan appealing. He was a nightmare backstage. And despite all this, companies just kept bringing him back. WWF in 1996, and WCW in 1998. And for me, Warrior's WCW run should be remembered as one of the moments that killed the company. Not just because it gave us a Hogan feud rematch that ZERO people wanted to see, but it also forced WCW to give refunds for the PPV everyone paid to see as it cut off the main event of this show. Fuck this match. Let's watch it.

Warrior does his signature run to the ring, and he's visibly winded already. Hogan stalls on the outside for a full minute and a half and says Warrior's out of his mind (yeah, him and the people who booked this). "Warrior sucks" chants are ringing out already. Warrior kicks it off with one right hand, then allows Hogan to stall for another half minute. The first lock-up looks like Warrior isn't even trying. Hogan goes for a wristlock, which he wrings three times, then Warrior reverses it into what is allegedly a wristlock of his own. I say that because it honestly looks like he's just holding and shaking Hogan's hand. Warrior hits a shoulderblock and Hogan has to rest outside. Again.

Warrior offers the test of strength for what feels like forever, but later drops it as Hogan isn't biting. Another shitty lock-up. Now in the corner, Hogan starts flailing rubbish arms and legs at Warrior before going for chokes. Warrior sells this by apparently doing some kind of pull-up. They finally get the test of strength spot, in the style of the WrestleMania VI encounter, but WCW's cameras take extra care to shoot it so it doesn't look like Warrior's sucking Hogan off. This lasts for, no word of a lie, nearly two minutes. At one point you think Warrior's fought back up but Hogan kicks him down again. "Boring" chants are audible for much of it.

They then repeat another spot from 1990: the criss-cross running the ropes before Hogan stops and slams Warrior, but Warrior gets back up. Then Warrior slams Hogan, gathers the energy of the Warriors, and clotheslines him over the top rope. The main difference is that it's taken much more slowly. Now they're brawling on the outside. Warrior becomes the first man I've ever seen to no-sell an eye rake. Warrior nearly bumps the ref, then ducks so Hogan can bump the ref a lot more clumsily than Warrior would have (god, more clumsily than Warrior. How bad do you have to be for that?).

Hogan calls out for someone in nWo Hollywood to interfere, which the Giant does. Slowly. Giant goes to big boot Warrior while Hogan holds him back, but you know exactly how that spot goes. Hogan takes the boot. Warrior then clears out some more nWo B-teamers and gets a visual pinfall. While Warrior's trying to wake the ref, Hogan gives him a back suplex for two. Hogan takes off his weight belt and starts hitting and choking Warrior with it. Apparently all the ref can do is give Hogan a stern look despite this use of a foreign object. Commentary tries to justify it because it's something Hogan wore to the ring.

Hogan goes for a long face-raking hold. He then misses several elbows as Warrior rolls away... then rolls into him and trips him up. That just looks embarrassing. Warrior goes for the running splash but misses. He sells it by apparently having a fucking seizure. Hogan takes advantage until Warrior downs him with one punch. He then takes off Hogan's belt and starts whipping him with it. How does that make sense? It's not something Warrior wore to the ring. Hogan blades, but no one even bothers to take a shot of his bloody face, so he just gives up and wanders to the corner...

...for the signature spot of this match! Hogan gets some flashpaper and a lighter for a fireball spot. He fucks around with it for a while before "throwing" it at Warrior. It doesn't work, but Warrior sells it anyway. The flashpaper then goes off in Hogan's hand. Warrior's supposed to be blinded or something, but it was botched so badly he doesn't even bother pretending to be so. Warrior goes for a double axe handle off the top, breaks it before it hits Hogan, but Hogan sells it anyway. Then he does exactly the same thing again. Hogan hits a nutshot in FRONT OF THE REF. No gimmicks, he punches Warrior right in his trouser tassels. This match makes zero sense.

Hogan hits a leg drop and is about to go for a second, but Horace comes out with a chair. Crowd is supposed to care about the family drama of Hogan hitting his relative with a chair on a previous Nitro, but doesn't. Hogan misses a leg drop, Warrior starts rallying (he's Warrioring up!). Clotheslines, but before the gorilla press and running splash, Bischoff comes and grabs the referee, allowing Horace to hit Warrior with a chair. Why was Bischoff needed? Clearly this match is No DQ. Anyway, Hogan wins this wretched match. Post-match, Horace pours some lighter fluid over Warrior but security stops Hogan from setting it alight. Good thing too - he'd probably have botched and set himself on fire.

What a debacle this was. Slow time-wasting wrestling, literally all of the big spots botched including the intended finish, rules that don't make sense, and it lost WCW hundreds of thousands.

 

[Rosie]

Horace Hogan: The key to the match. Mr. 1998. The future of wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #120
Steve McMichael vs. Joe Gomez
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 7, 1996​

We've made it to number 120, and our reward is... Mongo. GROAN. On the night where WCW had the most important night of its existence to date, where Hogan turned heel and established the nWo, the undercard featured matches such as Steve "Mongo" McMichael vs. Joe Gomez. A non-wrestler vs. a jobber. This can't be good, can it?

Mongo is accompanied by Debra and a poodle. His entrance also has crab claws for some reason. I assume it's some sort of remote-controlled camera in the shape of a crab, but I don't know why WCW would do that. Early on, Mongo does a three-point stance into a clothesline (Jim Duggan's about to sue). When he insults Gomez's parents, the jobber makes a comeback. Gomez hits a crossbody for two. Mongo's using a lot of chops and corner charges, as if those are the only moves he knows. Gomez bashes Mongo's face into the turnbuckle until Mongo lands a sneaky mule kick right in the Alan Iron Eagles. Mongo goes for stomps and rope chokes (like the true ring general he is) before delivering a punt into the midsection. He attempts a kneeling backbreaker but Gomez just slides off.

A long chinlock (not quite a camel clutch, Mongo doesn't hook the arms) but Gomez fights out. Then a sleeper, but Gomez drops down for a jawbreaker. I'm a fan of Mongo's sell of it, honestly. Gomez goes for a back body drop but Mongo hits a seated neckbreaker (I don't think it was meant to be seated, though, I just think Mongo forgot he was supposed to take a back bump). Mongo calls for the Figure Four ("Horsemen style") but Gomez gets a small package for two. Mongo misses an elbow drop, then tries to lift Gomez up but gets back body dropped. Gomez rallies with a series of chops and a dropkick. There's a really weird botch where Gomez goes for a sunset flip, Mongo sits down for a one-count, then just rolls into the sunset flip anyway. Mongo uses a Tombstone to finish it.

Basic, low stakes, low heat, one weird botch near the end, no idea why it was on PPV. There's actually three more ill-received matches from Bash at the Beach 1996 - let's see how I feel about those.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #120
Steve McMichael vs. Joe Gomez
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 7, 1996​

We've made it to number 120, and our reward is... Mongo. GROAN. On the night where WCW had the most important night of its existence to date, where Hogan turned heel and established the nWo, the undercard featured matches such as Steve "Mongo" McMichael vs. Joe Gomez. A non-wrestler vs. a jobber. This can't be good, can it?

Mongo is accompanied by Debra and a poodle. His entrance also has crab claws for some reason. I assume it's some sort of remote-controlled camera in the shape of a crab, but I don't know why WCW would do that. Early on, Mongo does a three-point stance into a clothesline (Jim Duggan's about to sue). When he insults Gomez's parents, the jobber makes a comeback. Gomez hits a crossbody for two. Mongo's using a lot of chops and corner charges, as if those are the only moves he knows. Gomez bashes Mongo's face into the turnbuckle until Mongo lands a sneaky mule kick right in the Alan Iron Eagles. Mongo goes for stomps and rope chokes (like the true ring general he is) before delivering a punt into the midsection. He attempts a kneeling backbreaker but Gomez just slides off.

A long chinlock (not quite a camel clutch, Mongo doesn't hook the arms) but Gomez fights out. Then a sleeper, but Gomez drops down for a jawbreaker. I'm a fan of Mongo's sell of it, honestly. Gomez goes for a back body drop but Mongo hits a seated neckbreaker (I don't think it was meant to be seated, though, I just think Mongo forgot he was supposed to take a back bump). Mongo calls for the Figure Four ("Horsemen style") but Gomez gets a small package for two. Mongo misses an elbow drop, then tries to lift Gomez up but gets back body dropped. Gomez rallies with a series of chops and a dropkick. There's a really weird botch where Gomez goes for a sunset flip, Mongo sits down for a one-count, then just rolls into the sunset flip anyway. Mongo uses a Tombstone to finish it.

Basic, low stakes, low heat, one weird botch near the end, no idea why it was on PPV. There's actually three more ill-received matches from Bash at the Beach 1996 - let's see how I feel about those.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #121
John Tenta vs. Big Bubba Rogers
Carson City Silver Dollar on a Pole Match
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 7, 1996​

Let's look at the rest of Bash at the Beach '96. The first match on this card was Rey Misterio Jr. vs. Psicosis, which was great fun. So, of course you'd have the second match be one where the object is to hit your opponent with a bag full of coins. Looking at that lineup, I'd honestly be surprised if either was able to climb up the pole to grab the bag. This match apparently has backstory, where Bubba hit Tenta with said bag of coins and shaved his beard. I'm sure it makes sense in context.

Bubba's look looks like a low-rent, alpha version of his future look as Attitude Era SWAT-style Big Boss Man. Fucking hell, that pole's taller than I thought it would be, I'm even more concerned now. Tenta comes out with no music. Bubba's in full weasel mode, running away from Tenta and stalling outside the ring. When he comes in, Tenta gets a few hits in before Bubba rests outside again. Both men use illegal moves, Tenta using a boot choke and Bubba with an eye poke. Tenta gets stopped from climbing the pole by Bubba, who hits an uppercut with a LOT of wind-up. Bubba goes for the pole but gets tossed of the top rope. Tenta back to the pole, but Bubba stops him with a back suplex (though looks like he'll collapse throughout).

Bubba to the pole but Tenta shakes the rope so he falls on his Guardian Angels, then atomic drops him on the buckle. Tenta goes for the smart move, as there's no way he gets up the pole, so he tries to detach the pole from the ring post! Bubba takes off his belt and starts choking Tenta with it. The ref's so distracted with Jimmy Hart that he can't see the leather belt even when he's looking directly at it. Bubba gets some tape and attaches Tenta's arm to the rope, then starts whipping him with the belt. Then, more choking. The ref sometimes makes counts and sometimes doesn't. Is this no DQ or not? Who knows. Bubba grabs scissors and tries to cut Tenta's hair, but Tenta uppercuts him in his nads and uses the scissors to free himself. He then tries to cut down the straps that attach the pole to the post, but Bubba stops him.

Bubba brawls a bit, then hits a spinebuster. Realising there's no way he gets up the pole, he tells Jimmy Hart to climb it. Tenta powerslams Bubba while Hart's climbing, so Hart has no idea he's handing the bag of coins off to Bubba's opponent. Tenta nails Bubba with the coins, pins him, and that's it.

Competently structured, but kind of dull, honestly.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

John Tenta deserved better than this to be honest. Such a lovely guy and great wrestler.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #122
Diamond Dallas Page vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
Lord of the Ring Taped Fists Match
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 7, 1996​

"Lord of the Ring", fucking hell. That moniker originates from Slamboree 1996, where DDP won the worst Battlebowl tournament (because it had two tag rounds, not just one) to win a shot at the World Title. Except, it was revoked on a weird technicality that didn't make sense with battle royal rules, and the title shot was given to Lex Luger who didn't even make it to the battle royal. DDP called himself the Lord of the Ring still, though, so this is technically a match for that name. And when you think "Lord of the Ring", you think broken old bastid Jim Duggan in a taped fists match.

DDP tapes up the camera. "USA" chants even though the heel's American too. A Duggan shoulderblock knocks DDP from the middle of the ring to the outside, because that's how Duggan was booked. At least we get some shots of DDP threatening fans in between the time-wasting. DDP pulls out some tape and ties Duggan's legs around the ring post. Nick Patrick has to take time out to remove it, which allows DDP to untape Duggan's fists. DDP headbutts Duggan but comes out worse (I didn't know Duggan had some Samoan in him). Duggan gets DDP in the ropes, and punches him down repeatedly as he seesaws back in again.

They brawl on the outside, and Duggan smashes DDP's back against the ring post. Duggan hits a suplex, then tries again, but DDP grabs the rope and bulldogs him. DDP goes to the top but Duggan hits the ropes so DDP falls right on his Diamond Balls. Duggan smashes DDP's face into whatever he can find, then clotheslines him out. A little brawling on the outside, then Duggan goes back in, but DDP kicks the rope so he's crotched. This leaves DDP the opportunity to hit the Diamond Cutter for a surprise win. Post-match, Duggan's got to get his heat back, so he re-tapes his fist and decks the winner.

Typically of a Duggan match, he's not selling or providing much of interest, but DDP does enough of that for two people. More palatable than I'd expected.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #123
The Nasty Boys vs. The Public Enemy
Falls Count Anywhere Double Dog Collar Match
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 7, 1996​

Lastly for Bash at the Beach, we've got this! I've made no secret of the fact that I think the Nasty Boys are dogshit, but what a lot of people don't know is I'm not a huge fan of the Public Enemy either. I think they're just a gimmick. One of many Paul Heyman masterclasses where he took limited nobodies and made their name off one thing. Like the 911 "arrive, chokeslam, leave" routine, the PE's tables thing was just a cover for the fact that they weren't that good. With that hot take out of the way, this is a double dog collar match. These two teams feuded a lot during 1996. Let's see what they can pull off.

Brian Knobbs is collared to Johnny Grunge, and Jerry Sags to Rocco Rock. I can see this being tricky for me to follow. Knobbs and Grunge have the first chain-pulling contest, which Knobbs wins and knocks Grunge out of the ring. Sags then brings Rock out of the ring with zero resistance. They're brawling on the outside, and we get that evergreen WCW delight: SPLIT SCREEN! Because the match is too hard to follow for one camera! Sags gently whips Rock with the chain. Both Nastys get a garbage can and use parts of it on their opponent. The PE fight back and both are in the aisle. Rock is on the guardrail, Sags trips him and where Rock lands, he's definitely not going to have any Cheetah Kids. Knobbs hits Grunge with an INFLATABLE SHARK, ensuring that this match won't be that low on the list. Come on, it's an inflatable shark.

They're now on the beach set. Sags lamps Rock with a surfboard. Grunge has a chair but Knobbs throws sand in his eyes, leaving him flailing. Knobbs gets a two-count on a surfboard. Grunge bulldogs Knobbs on to an upturned chair. Rock hits a rolling kick off the lifeguard's chair. Knobbs gets another two on the boardwalk. Sags hauls the lifeguard's chair down with Rock on it. This gets the chain tangled in it. Knobbs with more surfboard shots and an elbow drop for two. Knobbs sends Grunge into the crowd, then Grunge uses the chain to hit Brian right in his Knobb. Sags tries to set up a table, but there's a strange spot where he falls over for no reason. I think the camera guy got caught in the chain. Knobbs and Grunge's chain gets tied around the table. Sags piledrives Rock on the concrete, but can't cover.

Rock throws Sags on to the table, which breaks a bit under his weight. Rock then splashes him through. PE double-team Knobbs for a bit until Sags recovers. The Nastys drag the PE back to ringside. Sags gets a second table, but Grunge tosses Knobbs into the back side of it. Sags pulls Rock off the top rope to send him through the table but it doesn't break. He then tries a chain-wrapped fist drop on to Rock through the table, but the table still doesn't give! Knobbs hangs Grunge on the chain over the ropes, and Sags whips Rock into the outstretched chain. A fist drop to Rock, and that finishes it.

Silly brawling, stupid in a fun way, though it was hard to keep track sometimes. Sadly, the table bump being botched bumps it down a bit.

 

[Alexa]

John Tenta deserved better than this to be honest. Such a lovely guy and great wrestler.

I always sort of wished he stayed in Japan longer as I think he would have done well there

 

[Samoa Looch]

John Tenta deserved better than this to be honest. Such a lovely guy and great wrestler.

Both deserved better, at least imo.

 

[Grimoire Lenin]

Both deserved better, at least imo.

Could you imagine what would have happened if Big Bossman stayed just a few months later to see Cornette join the WWF?

 

[Rosie]

Knobbs hits Grunge with an INFLATABLE SHARK, ensuring that this match won't be that low on the list. Come on, it's an inflatable shark.​

Third best Shark related spot in wrestling history. Second is Brock F5ing a Shark, top is Kidd Bandit using a barbed-wire BLÅHAJ.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #124
Angelina Love vs. Awesome Kong vs. Christy Hemme vs. Gail Kim vs. Jackie Moore vs. ODB vs. Roxxi Laveaux vs. Traci Brooks vs. Velvet Sky
Santa's Workshop Street Fight
TNA Impact - December 20, 2007​

Christmas approaches more rapidly than ever, and we're all feeling a bit festive. And TNA recently uploaded this show to their YouTube (link here if you want), so it reminded me that there's two matches on this that are remembered for the wrong reasons. Two WrestleCrap inductees, no less. We'll deal with the infamous BARBED WIRE CHRISTMAS TREE later, but first, here's this! A match with nine women in Christmas-themed outfits, with Christmas plunder. Except Kong and Roxxi, who mostly just added more red to their usual gear. Let's go.

There's a box of toys in the ring. Gail and Kong both decide they want none of this, and further their awesome feud by brawling out of the ring. Camera keeps cutting between the intense fighting and whatever's going on in the ring, which for some reason involves Christy Hemme swinging a teddy bear around like it's a blood-stained axe. There's one of those push-along lawnmowers in the ring, too. Once the two best workers in the match have gone to the back, it's standard chaos. Christy slides through Velvet's legs so Jackie can kick Velvet instead. ODB traps Angelina under the box, jumps on and does her taunt before delivering a Thesz press to Roxxi below. Velvet frees Angelina from the box and they hit ODB with it.

"A little spank action going on", says Don West, on an exchange between Velvet and Traci. Traci then spanks Christy. Kong emerges from the back, clearly the worse for wear but without Gail. Everyone is terrified of her. The BPs try to double team her but get flattened, as do Jackie and Traci. Kong flattens Roxxi with a backfist, before getting to Christy, whom she gives a sitout powerbomb for the win. Post-match, Gail comes back with a chair, and they fight a bit before multiple sets of security stop them.

Silly match that didn't get any time to breathe, so there wasn't enough room for the more ludicrous things (like the Actual Ass Toys that were in the ring being used as weapons) to breathe. Action obviously wasn't great, but it was ultimately harmless.