Entry #107
Jake "The Snake" Roberts/Yokozuna vs. Jim Neidhart/King Kong Bundy
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999
Well, this is it. The main event of this total cunt of a show. This is advertised as a pair of singles matches: Roberts vs. Neidhart and Bundy vs. Yokozuna. Why isn't it that? We'll find out.
We start with an infamous moment on this show. Jake Roberts, who has clearly been having a drink before this show, is tasked with cutting a promo. This is a transcript of what he says.
In a casino, you should gamble. Let me tell you something, Anvil, you don't want to play cards with me, because I'll cheat. Okay, I cheat. You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play Black Jack? I got two of those too. You want to play aces and eights? Well, I got some of those too. Bottom line is this. You do not gamble with me ... When you walk into a casino and you want to gamble, the main thing you must do, is this, you must accept losing. I don't accept losing, and neither does Damien. Damien, my friend! My friend Damien is right here. You don't want to see this, do you? Let me show you something. I tell you what Anvil, go ahead, Anvil, roll the dice. Mr. Cameraman, get your ass back up here. Hell-oooo, I'm talkin' to you. Get that camera back up here. That's what you should worry about Anvil. The bottom line is this, when the DDT comes, then the snake comes out. Worry about the DDT. DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! THINK ABOUT IT!
Truly stunning. He's too drunk even to know how card games work. When Roberts comes out, he can't even walk in a straight line. He puts the snake down, opens its bag a tiny bit... then walks away. Someone reminds him he has to go out to the ring (and presumably, takes his shirt off him, because he doesn't seem sober enough to do it himself). Then he walks around greeting fans, including infamously making a woman rub his bare chest.
"We want the snake" chants after the bell rings. Neidhart decides that he'd rather not do this match, and stalls for time on the outside. We get a wristlock, and Roberts
just about hits an armdrag. Or maybe that was meant to be a reverse slam takedown. Who knows? Who cares? Neidhart backs Roberts into the corner, then backs away when he realises Roberts is right next to the snake (and in danger of trampling it). Neidhart starts working the arm, Roberts pretty much ignores it, only struggling to get up because he's drunk as a skunk. Roberts teases the DDT but embarrassingly just flops down. Snake update: it has now escaped the bag. After it did more work to get out than Roberts did to help it.
More stalling by Neidhart. Roberts grabs the snake... and instead of siccing it on Neidhart, he pretends the snake is his penis. Even masturbating with it. Fucking yikes. The extended crowd shot is merciful this time. And then he lies down with the snake on top of him and makes out with it. I should stop now, but that's not the finish, so we soldier on. Bundy comes out, unannounced, as his match isn't yet, to tell Roberts how much of a drunk idiot he is. Neidhart attacks Roberts and applies a sleeper. He should have done it legit so there'd be no more embarrassing Roberts antics tonight.
Roberts does some corner charges (more like corner hugs), Neidhart tries one of his own, and Roberts dodges. He hits a short-arm clothesline, then flips off Bundy in full view of the camera. Neidhart establishes a front facelock as Bundy stomps away. A spherical man wanders to the ring. This must be the "Former Yokozuna" commentary was talking about. As in, I can't even recognise him as Yokozuna. He's just a blob. Fired for refusing to lose weight, he started intentionally putting on more. This was his last televised appearance before his body inevitably failed on him. Yoko flips off Bundy, tries to attack him but Neidhart and Bundy double team him. All the while, Roberts is slumped against the apron. It's now announced this is a tag team match.
Yoko baits Neidhart into the tried-and-tested "hit your own partner by mistake" spot. A bald man (whom commentary calls a mini-Bundy) confers with Bundy and Neidhart. Probably telling them the new finish. Roberts has gotten back in the ring but can't stand up. Neidhart drags Roberts to the apron and starts biting his face. He then hits Roberts with about four chairs. Bundy joins in the attack and rolls Roberts back into the ring. The bald guy attacks Roberts too, which leads to an "Uncle Fester" chant. I can't even laugh, this is awful. Neidhart and Bundy bully Roberts. Bundy goes for the pin but the ref refuses to start his count until Neidhart is out of the ring. Probably didn't trust Roberts to kick out. By some miracle, Roberts gets his foot on the rope to break another pin.
Roberts takes a wild swing with his arm, hitting Neidhart right in his Hart Foundation. Neidhart and Bundy pull off Roberts' boots and start hitting him with them. Roberts hits both Bundy and Neidhart in the testes and tags Yoko. Yoko runs wild (well, walks wild). As he battles Neidhart, Roberts attacks Bundy despite neither being the legal man. Bundy shoves Roberts over and hits a splash, and the referee counts it (again, despite Yoko/Neidhart being the legal men) to mercifully end it.
Post-match, Bundy and Neidhart get the hell out, to grab their money and leave as soon as they can. Yoko calls for a DDT on bald dude, but Roberts can barely stand up, let alone wrestle, so Yoko hits a Samoan drop to be done with it. Roberts lays the snake on bald man before lying down and apparently starting to disrobe, given what we can see before the PPV cuts to its end card.
...... Wow. That show was a true tour-de-force of bad wrestling, but the main event was genuinely harrowing. Not even infuriating, not even depressing. Just... why the hell did they let Jake Roberts even come out? Why did they let him embarrass himself for so long? What was the point of making it a tag match? Who let this happen? Who let Jake Roberts get his hands on alcohol again? I don't know. And I'm not sure I want to know. I feel exactly the same way I did during the Flair match. In fact, this is going below the Flair match. Not just because there was more competent work in the Flair match, but because someone could have stopped this, and they didn't. Unforgivable on any level.
Let us never speak of this again.