Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Rosie]

"A reverse slam takedown"

He just had a thesaurus of wrestling names and just picked some at random. That and I know at some point he calls a dropkick a "Flying Leg Kick"

-What else can he kick someone with? An arm? His dick?

 

[Samoa Looch]

Oh no... well at least you have Scorpio vs. Fantastico to look forward to, but hoooo boy... please survive this.

 

[Rosie]

Oh no... well at least you have Scorpio vs. Fantastico to look forward to, but hoooo boy... please survive this.

The best match on the worst show ever and it features:

Spoiler

A generic promo where Fantastico starts with "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING!" and a botched finish.

Yeah, that'll be like having fresh cheese on a burrito made from mystery meat which was dropped on the ground.

 

[Samoa Looch]

Silver linings... silver linings...

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #101
Greg "The Hammer" Valentine vs. George "The Animal" Steele
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999​

And immediately I can tell this show's going to take a flying leap off a cliff. George Steele was over the hill when he was around for early Hulkamania, and that was the 1980s. This was the 1990s, and he's 62 as this show goes out. The story (because this one-off event had stories) is that George Steele has been managed by Sherri Martel. Not just managed either, as we're told through several laboured pieces of innuendo. If you've watched UWF Blackjack Brawl, you'll know how faces being randomly paired with valets for one-off shows goes (note to self: watch UWF Blackjack Brawl again for this thread).

Pre-match Valentine cuts a promo and claims Steele feuded with his father. As far as I can tell, Steele and Johnny Valentine only had one match together. Steele's demeanour is less "animal" and more "your senile great-grandfather being taken for a walk but not knowing where he is".

Right at the start, Steele's threatening aura(??) sends Valentine out of the ring, where he tries to chase Sherri. The first lock-up ends when Steele bites Valentine. The ref has to stop Steele from eating some turnbuckle. Then he wants Steele to take his shirt off. While he's got it over his head, Valentine comes in with elbows and stomps, providing the first real offence after two minutes. And then Sherri turns heel immediately by choking Steele while he can't see. Crowd doesn't care. Valentine keeps going, until Steele manages to remove his shirt after what feels like an eternity. Steele hits Valentine with an unknown foreign object that not even the commentators can identify. He then slips it to Sherri who hides it in her cleavage.

Steele goes for a two-handed choke, Valentine responds with some kicks, and then Steele hoofs Valentine in his Boxcar Willie in full view of the ref. Sherri passes the foreign object to Valentine, because She's Heel don't you know? He uses it on Steele while the referee is watching! And then it slips out of his tights because nothing in this match can go right. Steele brawls as only a 62-year-old man can. The match grinds to even more of a halt than usual as Sherri argues with Dutch Mantel on commentary. At some point Valentine regains the object, but Steele knocks it off him. He rolls away as Steele threatens to use it. While the ref's administering the count, Sherri hits Steele with a chair, and Valentine gets the three. Post-match, Steele tosses Sherri out, chases both heels away, and celebrates with a snack of whatever's inside turnbuckle pads.

When Greg "Mr. Slow and Methodical" Valentine is the workhorse of the match, you've got a problem. Add to that shenanigans to which the fans didn't respond, and just how sad it was to see George Steele still wrestling, and you've got a certified ass of a match.

 

[Jay-Ashley]

You poor soul

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #102
2 Cold Scorpio vs. Julio Fantastico
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999​

Okay, here's the odd one out on this show. A match featuring workers who weren't past it at the time of the broadcast. Originally this match was going to be Scorpio vs. Reckless Youth, but between the planning of this show and the execution, Reckless Youth was signed to a WWF developmental deal (he wouldn't last longer than the summer of 2000), and would later go on to co-found CHIKARA. I'd have loved to see that match. It would have been a miracle of overambitious blown spots, like Dirtbike Kid times ten. Instead we get Julio Fantastico (a.k.a. WCW jobber Julio Sanchez and ECW/TNA also-ran Julio Dinero) facing Scorpio.

Scorpio comes out with a knockoff Big Gold Belt that appears to be made of cardboard. Presumably it's not on the line tonight. Captain Lou Albano is also on commentary for this match, presumably to challenge Randy Rosenbloom for the "most annoying voice on this card" crown. Both men start with an exchange of wristlocks, never controlling the arm for too long. Julio hits a dropkick (or "leg drop", according to Rosenbloom). Scorpio does a backflip for no reason. Lou and Dutch have both decided their co-commentator is beyond help and start talking over him. Julio sometimes dances a little between moves, such as a shoulderblock (which Randy calls as an elbow). Scorpio goes for a headlock while camera cuts to a completely nonplussed crowd. He then hits a really loose-looking armdrag. A spin kick dumps Julio out of the ring and Scorpio hits a plancha which the camera totally misses.

Scorpio's knife-edge chops get a "woo" chant, as if a 2023 crowd time travelled to 1999. Julio takes Scorpio out of the ring with a springboard dropkick. He's then about to go for a plancha, but completely botches it by failing to let go. So he skins the cat and tries again, and this time Scorpio doesn't even catch him. Julio charges to the guardrail but Scorpio gives him a back body drop, causing him to kick a child in the head. They brawl on the outside but it's too dark to see any of it. Julio donkey kicks Scorpio right in his Flash Funks, then hits a bridging T-bone suplex for two. Then an elbow drop for two. Julio goes for a dropkick but obviously falls short; Scorpio sells it anyway.

There's a weird spot where both men slide in and out of the ring, which leads to Scorpio hitting a slingshot splash for two. Scorpio goes to the top rope but Julio shoves the referee into the ropes. No DQ? Julio hits an unclean top rope bulldog for two. Scorpio hits an enzuigiri, slams Julio, and then hits a somersaulting leg drop. He motions for the Tumbleweed, goes for it... and visibly COMPLETELY MISSES! Still, that's the finish. The post-match replay shows an even worse angle that makes it even more obvious that the finish didn't land.

A very early-indie match. High spots that are botched, mixed in with the most basic of basics. However, still a strong match by this night's standards...

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #103
The Bushwhackers vs. The Iron Sheik/Nikolai Volkoff
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999​

Oh fuck, this match. One of only five -5 star matches in Wrestling Observer history. (Funnily enough, the most famously -5 star match, Jenna vs. Sharmell, only got -4 from Dave. But one of the matches that got -5 featured the Junkyard Dog, Dave's least favourite wrestler, so maybe that's just up to bias.) This one features four men with a combined age of 216. And of the four, only the Iron Sheik was ever known as a good wrestler at any point, let alone in 1999. This cannot be even acceptable.

The heels come out with manager Nikita Brezhnikov, who is carrying the flag of a country that hasn't existed for years. At least he's carrying the flag of a country; Sheik has what appears to be the Iranian flag, but it actually has the Ayatollah's face where the crest should be. The manager says something vaguely Russian-sounding, Volkoff belts out the Soviet anthem, and Sheik demonstrates the Persian clubs (slowly, and less convincingly than usual). Bushwhackers are billed as "Luke and Butch, the men from down under". They lick some heads and get the biggest pops so far.

Sheik and Volkoff attack the Bushwhackers to start off. Volkoff puts the knees into Butch by gently laying them on his back. Luke is knocked out of the ring off-screen. Butch is getting beaten up until Luke comes back and a double clothesline lightly brushes Volkoff, completely misses Sheik, and knocks the manager off the apron. Now the Bushwhackers are alone in the ring. They get USA chants, despite not being American. Sheik threatens to leave if the USA chants continue, but because his mic is fucked a staff member repeats him. After about two minutes of teasing leaving (in which EVERYONE BUT the ref administers the 10-count) they relent and return to the ring.

Now Volkoff is in with Luke. Volkoff hits what I think is meant to be a big boot, but he barely raises his leg. He then goes for stomps that visibly don't meet anything but canvas. He slowly trudges to the corner, knees Luke right in his Down Under (god dammit, just as I typed that commentary took that line) then trudges towards the centre of the ring where Luke now is. Sheik comes in and uses the devastating Iranian Push-in-the-Chest. The manager starts to attack Luke too while the ref is distracted by Butch. "Look at that pose from Sheik" -we can't look at it, you idiot, the camera is on Luke on the mat. They do the spot where Volkoff mashes his opponent's face into Sheik's weirdly pointy boot, but camera completely avoids it as they're on a long shot. Sheik does come in and kick Luke with the boot afterward.

Volkoff goes for a choke, Butch breaks it up, the referee's distracted, and the heel manager... does absolutely nothing. He gets up on the apron but just gives up. Volkoff visibly struggles to hit Luke with a kneeling backbreaker. Randy even calls it a "soft slam". Another ref distraction, Sheik slaps on the Camel Clutch, and the referee doesn't even remember that Sheik's not the legal man. Butch hits a double axe handle. Camera misses it. "Tag to Volkoff, I hope the ref saw it" -VOLKOFF'S THE LEGAL MAN YOU FUCKING MORON. Volkoff knee drops Luke in his pair of Worst Tag Team WON awards (I already used "Down Under", I can't think of any other way to describe a crotch shot).

More gentle stomps until Volkoff goes for a knee drop, Luke rolls away, and the "Russian" seems to roll on his ankle. Butch with an incredibly cold hot tag, which consists of a few punches and a poorly-timed meeting of heads. The Bushwhackers whip Sheik and Volkoff into each other, slowly. Sheik comes in and hits Butch with a nonexistent foreign object. Volkoff then hits Butch with an actual foreign object, then by mistake he hits Sheik with it instead. Luke comes in to pin Sheik with an incredibly fast count. Sheik and Volkoff argue post-match.

I don't know what I expected. Downright awful match, almost comical in how unsuited these four were at wrestling at their age. Bushwhacker Luke was not only the best worker in this match, but took the best bump (a whip into the corner). And that's sad.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #103
The Bushwhackers vs. The Iron Sheik/Nikolai Volkoff
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999​

Oh fuck, this match. One of only five -5 star matches in Wrestling Observer history. (Funnily enough, the most famously -5 star match, Jenna vs. Sharmell, only got -4 from Dave. But one of the matches that got -5 featured the Junkyard Dog, Dave's least favourite wrestler, so maybe that's just up to bias.) This one features four men with a combined age of 216. And of the four, only the Iron Sheik was ever known as a good wrestler at any point, let alone in 1999. This cannot be even acceptable.

The heels come out with manager Nikita Brezhnikov, who is carrying the flag of a country that hasn't existed for years. At least he's carrying the flag of a country; Sheik has what appears to be the Iranian flag, but it actually has the Ayatollah's face where the crest should be. The manager says something vaguely Russian-sounding, Volkoff belts out the Soviet anthem, and Sheik demonstrates the Persian clubs (slowly, and less convincingly than usual). Bushwhackers are billed as "Luke and Butch, the men from down under". They lick some heads and get the biggest pops so far.

Sheik and Volkoff attack the Bushwhackers to start off. Volkoff puts the knees into Butch by gently laying them on his back. Luke is knocked out of the ring off-screen. Butch is getting beaten up until Luke comes back and a double clothesline lightly brushes Volkoff, completely misses Sheik, and knocks the manager off the apron. Now the Bushwhackers are alone in the ring. They get USA chants, despite not being American. Sheik threatens to leave if the USA chants continue, but because his mic is fucked a staff member repeats him. After about two minutes of teasing leaving (in which EVERYONE BUT the ref administers the 10-count) they relent and return to the ring.

Now Volkoff is in with Luke. Volkoff hits what I think is meant to be a big boot, but he barely raises his leg. He then goes for stomps that visibly don't meet anything but canvas. He slowly trudges to the corner, knees Luke right in his Down Under (god dammit, just as I typed that commentary took that line) then trudges towards the centre of the ring where Luke now is. Sheik comes in and uses the devastating Iranian Push-in-the-Chest. The manager starts to attack Luke too while the ref is distracted by Butch. "Look at that pose from Sheik" -we can't look at it, you idiot, the camera is on Luke on the mat. They do the spot where Volkoff mashes his opponent's face into Sheik's weirdly pointy boot, but camera completely avoids it as they're on a long shot. Sheik does come in and kick Luke with the boot afterward.

Volkoff goes for a choke, Butch breaks it up, the referee's distracted, and the heel manager... does absolutely nothing. He gets up on the apron but just gives up. Volkoff visibly struggles to hit Luke with a kneeling backbreaker. Randy even calls it a "soft slam". Another ref distraction, Sheik slaps on the Camel Clutch, and the referee doesn't even remember that Sheik's not the legal man. Butch hits a double axe handle. Camera misses it. "Tag to Volkoff, I hope the ref saw it" -VOLKOFF'S THE LEGAL MAN YOU FUCKING MORON. Volkoff knee drops Luke in his pair of Worst Tag Team WON awards (I already used "Down Under", I can't think of any other way to describe a crotch shot).

More gentle stomps until Volkoff goes for a knee drop, Luke rolls away, and the "Russian" seems to roll on his ankle. Butch with an incredibly cold hot tag, which consists of a few punches and a poorly-timed meeting of heads. The Bushwhackers whip Sheik and Volkoff into each other, slowly. Sheik comes in and hits Butch with a nonexistent foreign object. Volkoff then hits Butch with an actual foreign object, then by mistake he hits Sheik with it instead. Luke comes in to pin Sheik with an incredibly fast count. Sheik and Volkoff argue post-match.

I don't know what I expected. Downright awful match, almost comical in how unsuited these four were at wrestling at their age. Bushwhacker Luke was not only the best worker in this match, but took the best bump (a whip into the corner). And that's sad.

Best part of that match was Sheik saying something which sounded like "HULK HOGAN, I BUTTFUCK YOU!"

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #104
Tully Blanchard vs. Stan Lane
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999​

From what I've seen, this is one of the better-remembered matches on this show, alongside Scorpio/Julio, though that isn't saying much. There's a bit of history: Horsemen vs. Midnight Express (though they didn't feud all that much), Stan apparently attacked Tully pre-match, and Tully cut a nice, passionate promo. Does that bode well for the match? Let's find out.

Stan Lane whines about the intro he got and gives himself a better one. Tully comes in fired up and Lane ducks out of the ring. He goes back in and puts up his dukes, then rolls out when Tully approaches. How much time has been wasted on this show just on heels being cowards? Fans look bored. Tully chases Stan into the ring but gets hit with an elbow. Stan hits a limp-armed clothesline. Tully drops Stan with an elbow and hits a hip toss (good thing Dutch got to it first, otherwise Rosenbloom would have called it a "spinning arm slam" or some shit). Tully hits a dropkick. "We could see some classic wrestling" -Dutch, immediately before these two start brawling on the outside.

Stan goes for what I think is an atomic drop, but Tully just falls forward, grazes the ring post, and falls down. Stan chokes him with a bit of cable, and the referee could not give less of a shit. He then hits a double axe handle while Tully's on the apron. Stan gets a neckbreaker for two, but camera misses the pin because it's cutting to the crowd AGAIN. "Horsemen suck" chant although Tully's the babyface here, allegedly. Tully hits a big right hand, then Stan hits a weird cross chop. Stan puts on a cobra clutch. Tully eventually escapes with an eye rake. You know, like babyfaces do. Stan then hits a snake eyes (Rosenbloom calls it as a body slam). Rope chokes as camera continues to cut to the most bored women it can find. Rosenbloom tries to make out like they're mesmerised by Stan's good looks. Stan gets a Russian legsweep for two.

Tully fights back and punches Stan right in his Fabulous Ones, then uses the tights to take him outside. Brawling on the outside again. Tully whips Stan into the barricade. He then slaps on a Figure Four on the outside, but Lane escapes with an eye rake. They get back in the ring, Tully applies the sleeper, which Stan escapes by kicking Tully right in the Brain Busters, but only momentarily as Tully no-sells it and starts again. Stan teases a piledriver but Tully gives him a back body drop. Lane hits a back suplex... Tully gets his shoulder up at two... but the ref counts three anyway! As it turns out, Stan's shoulders were also down. Not that the commentators or the fans are any the wiser. Everyone's confused and upset, but Tully gives Stan a suplex. The crowd goes bemused.

Kinda boring, with a weird finish, but still somewhat competent, so it can't go down too far.

 

[Chris]

The match itself was shit IMO but the Tully promo for it was absurdly good, it's the only highlight of the show for me

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #105
Abdullah the Butcher vs. The One Man Gang
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999​

Okay, that's the last match people say "at least it wasn't THAT terrible" for. The remaining matches are shit on a shit sandwich, according to anyone who's reviewed them. And a reminder: there are FOUR DAMN MATCHES still scheduled. We know in hindsight that that turns to three, but... wow. This match has a pair of super-heavyweights who are known for bloody brawls. Could work... if there weren't so many children in the crowd. Let's see what the damage is.

Gang is billed at 345 pounds, way below his usual fighting weight of 450. He throws all kinds of plunder into the ring. This isn't a No DQ match (though given the referees' attitude to things like nut shots and foreign objects this show, does it matter?). Abdullah is accompanied by another fairly hefty man called Honest John Cheatum. Right at the start Gang attacks Abdullah, and starts giving him love-taps with his chain. Abdullah blades ALREADY. Gang starts choking him with the chain and trying to open the wound. They're now on the outside and Gang hits him with a chair shot to the head before gently pressing his face into the ring post. Gang stomps Abdullah while he's slumped against the apron. This puts the "death" in deathmatch. As in "I wish for death".

Abdullah is selling as little as possible. Gang goes for a choke with the chair (and the ref administers a 5-count?? Why??) before hitting a Heroes of Wrestling trademark: stomps that visibly miss! Then another chain choke. Abdullah is a bloody mess. Rope choke. Abdullah finally blocks one of Gang's shots and hits a throat thrust. A punch knocks Gang to the outside... where he blades too! While alone in the ring, Abdullah LICKS UP HIS OWN BLOOD and fuck the rest of this match. I did not need to see that. The Hangman/Swerve blood spot was one thing, but that's Abdullah the Butcher's blood. His hepatitis-y blood.

At this point Mr. Cheatum makes his way on to commentary, and I'd honestly have preferred if they got Cheatum, the one-eyed little guy from those awful WCW mini-movies. That would have been interesting at least. Abdullah has the fork, and goes for Gang's eyes. Both are covered in their own blood. Abdullah maims Gang with the fork. The referee tries and fails to establish order. Gang looks like a murder victim. Now Abdullah uses the chair. Both are bleeding and stumbling around. Abdullah tosses the (infected) fork away and goes for an elbow, but the camera cuts to the crowd and misses it. Now we just need "obvious nut shot" and "heel being a coward" to hit the Heroes of Wrestling bingo!

Gang rolls out, Abdullah follows him, they brawl a bit, all across tables. They toss a security guy into the crowd. All the while, the bell rings, and I think that's a double count-out. I don't fucking care anymore. They keep brawling to the back, so enormously overweight they can barely move. That's it.

Awful, awful match. One of the most unpleasant things to watch in wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #106
Jimmy Snuka vs. Bob Orton Jr.
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999​

Fucking hell, that's a pair of names you'd expect to see on this show, isn't it? The typical legends-for-hire for companies that need someone who at least used to have some name value. Both of these guys were in Herb Abrams' UWF. Orton was in the AWF and IWCCW; Snuka was at Maccabiah Mania 2 and made a few appearances in the XWF alongside the future Sim Snuka. What I'm saying is, these two have definitely seen some awful shows in their career, and this is one of them. Can they shine among the shit? No they can't. But let's see if they can try.

Also, a note: the story of this match is that apparently Orton cheated in a card game involving them. Because they're in Vegas, get it?? Pre-match promos show Snuka not speaking at all, with Albano doing the talking (just like old times when the police found Nancy Argentino's body), and Orton having extremely tiny eyes.

Orton's without his cast. No idea how he's going to survive like that. Snuka wins the initial lockup, then goes for a second rope crossbody, but he rolls too far and ends up with Orton on top of him (looked like a botch rather than something intentional). Small package by Snuka, with Orton's shoulders up throughout. Orton tries and fails to clothesline Snuka out, and he just flops down. Just for the record, no one has cleaned up the turnbuckle debris that got scattered around after Steele/Valentine. Orton hits an elbow to Snuka's forehead. Snuka stalls on the outside. Orton drags him up by his hair and slowly gets him over for a vertical suplex. An Orton knee drop (though the knee missed Snuka completely so it was more like a falling splash) gets two. Snuka is underselling. An Orton back body drop draws another two-count.

Orton, realising he'll probably get gassed if he keeps moving like he is (at 1 mile per year), slows it down and works Snuka's arm. For a long time. A full minute is spent on one wristlock. Orton wrenches further up the arm as "Superfly" chants ring out, and Dutch loses his rag with Rosenbloom being a rubbish commentator. Dutch calls Orton "methodical", which is commentator code for "slow as fuck". "Bob, you suck" chants start after TWO AND A HALF MINUTES of low-mobility arm work. Stomps, knee drops to the shoulder, then an armbar. Four minutes deep into the arm working, some disturbingly-young voices call Bob Orton a certain slur which is derived from a term for a bundle of sticks. He eventually gives up, hammers Snuka in the head with elbows, then engages in an argument with the little homophobes.

When the action starts again, Snuka reverses Orton's offence with a headbutt. Between that and an Irish whip to the corner just after that, Orton's selling enough for two men. They collide at one point, Orton falls with part of his face on top of Snuka, but that doesn't get the pin, Snuka getting his shoulder up at two. Snuka goes to the top but Orton cuts him off. Superplex attempt, but Captain Lou holds Snuka's ankle so Orton just flops back. Orton attacks Albano but hurts his arm, which leads to the Superfly Splash for the win.

That was turgid. No fault of Orton's though - he did what he could do working with maximum-cynicism broken-down Snuka.

 

[Rosie]

All I remember from that match is the crowd chanting the REALLY bad f-Word. Yep. That was a terrible match with a terrible crowd and a murderer with Bob who also had Hep and never told Taker when he bleed Randy's hell in a cell match with him.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #107
Jake "The Snake" Roberts/Yokozuna vs. Jim Neidhart/King Kong Bundy
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999​

Well, this is it. The main event of this total cunt of a show. This is advertised as a pair of singles matches: Roberts vs. Neidhart and Bundy vs. Yokozuna. Why isn't it that? We'll find out.

We start with an infamous moment on this show. Jake Roberts, who has clearly been having a drink before this show, is tasked with cutting a promo. This is a transcript of what he says.

In a casino, you should gamble. Let me tell you something, Anvil, you don't want to play cards with me, because I'll cheat. Okay, I cheat. You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play Black Jack? I got two of those too. You want to play aces and eights? Well, I got some of those too. Bottom line is this. You do not gamble with me ... When you walk into a casino and you want to gamble, the main thing you must do, is this, you must accept losing. I don't accept losing, and neither does Damien. Damien, my friend! My friend Damien is right here. You don't want to see this, do you? Let me show you something. I tell you what Anvil, go ahead, Anvil, roll the dice. Mr. Cameraman, get your ass back up here. Hell-oooo, I'm talkin' to you. Get that camera back up here. That's what you should worry about Anvil. The bottom line is this, when the DDT comes, then the snake comes out. Worry about the DDT. DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! THINK ABOUT IT!

Truly stunning. He's too drunk even to know how card games work. When Roberts comes out, he can't even walk in a straight line. He puts the snake down, opens its bag a tiny bit... then walks away. Someone reminds him he has to go out to the ring (and presumably, takes his shirt off him, because he doesn't seem sober enough to do it himself). Then he walks around greeting fans, including infamously making a woman rub his bare chest.

"We want the snake" chants after the bell rings. Neidhart decides that he'd rather not do this match, and stalls for time on the outside. We get a wristlock, and Roberts just about hits an armdrag. Or maybe that was meant to be a reverse slam takedown. Who knows? Who cares? Neidhart backs Roberts into the corner, then backs away when he realises Roberts is right next to the snake (and in danger of trampling it). Neidhart starts working the arm, Roberts pretty much ignores it, only struggling to get up because he's drunk as a skunk. Roberts teases the DDT but embarrassingly just flops down. Snake update: it has now escaped the bag. After it did more work to get out than Roberts did to help it.

More stalling by Neidhart. Roberts grabs the snake... and instead of siccing it on Neidhart, he pretends the snake is his penis. Even masturbating with it. Fucking yikes. The extended crowd shot is merciful this time. And then he lies down with the snake on top of him and makes out with it. I should stop now, but that's not the finish, so we soldier on. Bundy comes out, unannounced, as his match isn't yet, to tell Roberts how much of a drunk idiot he is. Neidhart attacks Roberts and applies a sleeper. He should have done it legit so there'd be no more embarrassing Roberts antics tonight.

Roberts does some corner charges (more like corner hugs), Neidhart tries one of his own, and Roberts dodges. He hits a short-arm clothesline, then flips off Bundy in full view of the camera. Neidhart establishes a front facelock as Bundy stomps away. A spherical man wanders to the ring. This must be the "Former Yokozuna" commentary was talking about. As in, I can't even recognise him as Yokozuna. He's just a blob. Fired for refusing to lose weight, he started intentionally putting on more. This was his last televised appearance before his body inevitably failed on him. Yoko flips off Bundy, tries to attack him but Neidhart and Bundy double team him. All the while, Roberts is slumped against the apron. It's now announced this is a tag team match.

Yoko baits Neidhart into the tried-and-tested "hit your own partner by mistake" spot. A bald man (whom commentary calls a mini-Bundy) confers with Bundy and Neidhart. Probably telling them the new finish. Roberts has gotten back in the ring but can't stand up. Neidhart drags Roberts to the apron and starts biting his face. He then hits Roberts with about four chairs. Bundy joins in the attack and rolls Roberts back into the ring. The bald guy attacks Roberts too, which leads to an "Uncle Fester" chant. I can't even laugh, this is awful. Neidhart and Bundy bully Roberts. Bundy goes for the pin but the ref refuses to start his count until Neidhart is out of the ring. Probably didn't trust Roberts to kick out. By some miracle, Roberts gets his foot on the rope to break another pin.

Roberts takes a wild swing with his arm, hitting Neidhart right in his Hart Foundation. Neidhart and Bundy pull off Roberts' boots and start hitting him with them. Roberts hits both Bundy and Neidhart in the testes and tags Yoko. Yoko runs wild (well, walks wild). As he battles Neidhart, Roberts attacks Bundy despite neither being the legal man. Bundy shoves Roberts over and hits a splash, and the referee counts it (again, despite Yoko/Neidhart being the legal men) to mercifully end it.

Post-match, Bundy and Neidhart get the hell out, to grab their money and leave as soon as they can. Yoko calls for a DDT on bald dude, but Roberts can barely stand up, let alone wrestle, so Yoko hits a Samoan drop to be done with it. Roberts lays the snake on bald man before lying down and apparently starting to disrobe, given what we can see before the PPV cuts to its end card.

...... Wow. That show was a true tour-de-force of bad wrestling, but the main event was genuinely harrowing. Not even infuriating, not even depressing. Just... why the hell did they let Jake Roberts even come out? Why did they let him embarrass himself for so long? What was the point of making it a tag match? Who let this happen? Who let Jake Roberts get his hands on alcohol again? I don't know. And I'm not sure I want to know. I feel exactly the same way I did during the Flair match. In fact, this is going below the Flair match. Not just because there was more competent work in the Flair match, but because someone could have stopped this, and they didn't. Unforgivable on any level.

Let us never speak of this again.