Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Grim]

What's funny is that in a shoot sumo fight, I'm almost certain John Tenta would have kicked this fucking guy's ass too.

 

[Sky]

Entry #97
Todd Champion vs. The Super Invader
WCW WrestleWar - May 17, 1992​

Three more wheel matches, without going on any tangents this time, before we do something special for entry 100. But for now, we have this match. Super Invader is Hercules Hernandez in a mask and being billed from Thailand. Todd Champion has a military gimmick and is billed from "WCW Special Forces". As is Firebreaker Chip, who is a firefighter. The original plan was to have a policeman and an astronaut involved, so we could have the wrestling version of the Village People. But that's beside the point. This match isn't very good! Let's find out why!

Invader is straight out the gate, hitting some chops, a weak looking clothesline, and an elbow drop. Apparently, that's where his energy ends, as he immediately goes into Generic Squash Mode. Test of strength spot, wristlock reversal, then back to chops and thrusts. Invader hits a somewhat unstable-looking side slam. Cornered choke, Champion goes for punches but Invader no-sells them, then an eye rake. Back suplex, snapmare... it's chinlock time! Rest holds in a squash match, that's what you need on PPV. The chinlock lasts long enough that commentary resorts to advertising the next PPV. Eventually Champion fights out, but a weak clothesline downs him again.

Invader tosses Champion out, then comes in with an elbow to the head and a slam on to the floor. Back in the ring, Invader goes to the top rope but Champion gets the boot up. Champion rallies with some punches, a clothesline, and an uppercut. Invader flapjacks him into the ropes (or rather, Champion sells like it's a flapjack or a snake eyes, and Invader just brushes against him). An over-the-shoulder powerbomb and Invader wins it.

A poor quality squash to highlight a wrestler who sucks, on Pay-Per-View for some reason. WCW must have been in the toilet in 1992.

 

[Alexa]

What's funny is that in a shoot sumo fight, I'm almost certain John Tenta would have kicked this fucking guy's ass too.

More than likely given that Tent was around when Sumo still had pride and all

 

[Samoa Looch]

What's funny is that in a shoot sumo fight, I'm almost certain John Tenta would have kicked this fucking guy's ass too.

He would've.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Man Tenta

Entry #96
John Tenta vs. Koji Kitao
SWS Wrestle Dream in Kobe - April 1, 1991​

This one's pretty infamous honestly. A bit of backstory here. John Tenta (Earthquake) and Koji Kitao were both former sumo wrestlers. Kitao was a legit former yokozuna and so didn't think Tenta was on his level. Even though his yokozuna run was easily the worst ever (this writeup says it all). TL;DR - Koji Kitao was a total shitbag. This match happened because SWS and WWF had a partnership. There was a previous match between these two, two days before, but it didn't flare up like this one. Let's watch.

Slow start. Tenta tries to get control of Kitao early but Kitao pushes him to the ropes. Another staredown, another feeling-out. It seems neither is willing to give, so they're just staring at each other and holding each other's hands. Tenta slaps on a bearhug, and Kitao seems to be struggling to break it, so I'm guessing Tenta has it clamped on legit. Which makes what happens more impressive, as Tenta deadlifts Kitao for a belly-to-back front suplex. He seems to make an STF attempt next but Kitao wriggles to the ropes and goes out. He grabs a ringside table and tosses it right at the ropes, like a spoiled little brat who hasn't gotten his way. The crowd turns on him.

After a bit, Kitao gets back in the ring. Another long test-of-strength spot ensues. Kitao tries to twist the arm but Tenta shoves him off. This Japanese crowd is now chanting for Tenta, the Canadian. Not long after they just start... staring at each other. Doing nothing. Both slapping away each other's attempts to start spots. Tenta grabs Kitao's leg but Kitao then backs him into the corner with a seemingly-legit choke. Ref can't break it but Tenta does. Staredown continues. Now Kitao starts going for eye rakes. Tenta warns him if he goes for that, he WILL get fucked up. Nothing happens, still. Kitao goes for a kick but Tenta makes him look like a fool. "Who do you think you are? This is pro wrestling!" -Tenta. Kitao hits the ref for a DQ, then rolls out and says "I don't want to play anymore, this is all fake anyway" or something to that effect.

Complete farce. Contains just about no wrestling.

What's amazing is that Tenta was 28 in this match and probably looked like he was 48. I may want to check out this match for the Suplex alone (at least gonna search out a clip of that).

 

[Samoa Looch]

Man Tenta

What's amazing is that Tenta was 28 in this match and probably looked like he was 48. I may want to check out this match for the Suplex alone (at least gonna search out a clip of that).

 

[Sky]

Entry #98
Los Villanos (III, IV, V) vs. Los Psycho Circus
AAA TripleMania XXIII - August 9, 2015​

Once again, we're watching a lucha match. Lucha matches tend to be not as terrible, but when they're bad... hoo boy. This one earned the dishonour of being Worst Match of the Year 2015. And it's an old man match, thanks to the Villanos all being on the wrong side of 50, the worst being Villano III who is 62. Luchadors tend to have long careers (it's something to do with the different way of bumping) but that means we get a few cases of old man matches. Is it really that bad? Let's find out!

Before the match, we get a tribute to Pepe Casas, who's also old as fuck, and is in his final year as a referee. Villanos III and V have already been unmasked at this point in time, but they've been allowed to put the masks back on for this special match apparently.

Pretty much off-camera, Monster Clown gets knocked on his ass by the Villanos. AAA production, you've gotta hate it. We kick off with Psycho Clown vs. I think Villano IV? Don't know which is which, their masks and gears are identical so I can only go off their physiques. I at least know Villano V is the spherical one. Lock-up that the ref breaks, then Psycho comes in with armdrags. Psycho chops IV to the mat, which leads III and V to come in and make the save (slowly and weakly). Structure quickly breaks down. Murder Clown gets tossed out, and all three Villanos unite to crash Monster into Psycho.

(It's now I notice that Psycho Clown is wearing a silver armband, because his father is Brazo de Plata, and this is a callback to the great Villanos/Brazos rivalry. Nice touch.)

The Villanos all go for an assisted mask rip spot (two of them holding Psycho down). Then they get him on the apron and slowly walk him to the ring post, which he sells as if the spot had been done properly. Then Monster comes in and tries to fight back, but is overpowered in the corner. They do a leg split spot before IV (I think) does a Jeff Hardy leg drop into Monster's balls. Monster's on the apron now too, and they do the same walk-to-the-ring-post thing. Now it's big Murder Clown, who has a relative hoss fight with V (if by "hoss fight" you mean "Villano V tossing punches that miss by miles"). They all stand around Murder before one decides to kick him to the outside. IV and V slowly battering-ram him so his head grazes the ring post.

Psycho and Monster back in now, and what ensues is slow-motion and structureless brawling. IV and V go off to run the ropes but Murder pulls them out so Psycho and Monster can do a double tope suicida. Murder is with Villano III alone in the ring, and gorilla press slams him. Sorry, that should be: he gorilla presses him, then gently lays him down. I get that he's a recent stroke victim and you have to be gentle with him, but maybe don't have him in a match? The clowns then team up to do a spot I'm pretty sure they did regularly, with Murder performing a falling splash with both his teammates on his back. However, gotta be gentle with III, so Murder just bridges his body over him and doesn't touch him while the others roll off.

In comes Villano V, who's moving slow as fucking molasses. The two larger clowns flapjack throw him and Psycho gives him a "wazzup" style headbutt. IV's back in, but he starts getting smashed about by the clowns too, culminating in an assisted Thesz press against the ropes from Murder. They then go for a mask rip on IV while the other two Villanos are just... sitting around, waiting. They're not even selling. They're just slumped over, watching and waiting. Psycho Clown goes for a kick on III and just walks over him. Murder accidentally attacks Monster, then picks up Villano III and gently lays him down again.

Murder goes high but IV and V stop him. Monster and Psycho both come in with metal baking trays (borrowed from under TNA rings), hit the Villanos with it (which they don't seem to notice), and do their best on a Tower of Doom. III pins Murder who gently pushes him off for two, and the other two clowns then roll up IV and V for two. IV and V attack Murder, make Psycho look stupid, and toss Monster out, before going for a double tope suicida of their own. Only problem is: they can't go faster than a brisk walk, and they both undershoot. IV (diving at Murder) pretty much eats concrete, while Monster at least does a better job of catching V.

III's about to grab a chair but Psycho stops him by hitting him with... a ribbon(???) and grabs the chair himself. He teases a chair shot but refuses out of respect. So, instead, they have a really weak slapfight. Psycho goes for a lariat and III just slowly falls backwards under him. Psycho hits a diving headbutt but lifts away from the pin at two. He calls IV in and the two start nudging each other with their fists. V tries to make the difference but the REFEREES HOLD HIM BACK?? What the hell are they doing? Why didn't they do that for any of the other multi-person spots? While the referee's distracted, IV gives Psycho a big fat kick in the Psycho Plums, and that's three. III and V are annoyed by this sudden rudeza on the big retirement match, but everyone celebrates in the end and the sons of Villano III join in the celebration of their father's last match. (He wrestles two matches after this.)

Very much an old man match, with the clowns having to be extra careful to not kill one of their opponents. The younger men weren't great, either. This is essentially a reminder that nothng lasts forever. That one day, we will all be old and broken and shadows of our former selves. Sobering.

 

[Chris]

I don't know that I stand by it but I called that the worst match I'd ever seen the first time I watched it

 

[Sky]

I don't know that I stand by it but I called that the worst match I'd ever seen the first time I watched it

It's somehow only the 10th worst match in this thread as it stands. I've seen some horrors.

Side trivia note: With this match, Villano III became one of 11 men as of 2023 to have both a Best Match and Worst Match of the Year per WON. Do you know any of the others?

Spoiler: Answer

Pat Patterson (best 1981, worst 2000)
Randy Savage (best 1987, worst 1996)
Sting (best 1988, worst 1995 and 2011)
Scott Steiner (best 1991, worst 2003)
Shawn Michaels (best 1994 and 2008 and 2009 and 2010, worst 2018)
Johnny Ace (best 1996, worst 2012)
Villano III (best 2000, worst 2015)
Edge (best 2002, worst 2008)
The Undertaker (best 2009 and 2010, worst 2018)
John Cena (best 2011, worst 2012 and 2014)
AJ Styles (best 2014, worst 2006)

 

[Samoa Looch]

It's somehow only the 10th worst match in this thread as it stands. I've seen some horrors.

Side trivia note: With this match, Villano III became one of 11 men as of 2023 to have both a Best Match and Worst Match of the Year per WON. Do you know any of the others?

Spoiler: Answer

Pat Patterson (best 1981, worst 2000)
Randy Savage (best 1987, worst 1996)
Sting (best 1988, worst 1995 and 2011)
Scott Steiner (best 1991, worst 2003)
Shawn Michaels (best 1994 and 2008 and 2009 and 2010, worst 2018)
Johnny Ace (best 1996, worst 2012)
Villano III (best 2000, worst 2015)
Edge (best 2002, worst 2008)
The Undertaker (best 2009 and 2010, worst 2018)
John Cena (best 2011, worst 2012 and 2014)
AJ Styles (best 2014, worst 2006)

... HBK and Taker having the best Match twice and then both being involved in the worst of 2018 is just funny

 

[Sky]

Entry #99
Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler
WWE WrestleMania XXVII - April 3, 2011​

Ha ha ha ha ha oh fuck why

One of the worst received matches in wrestling history, at one of the worst ever Manias, I'm surprised that this wasn't the match 100 special either. But I've got to get the well-known bad matches done, and next will be something even bigger. And even worse. So, here's the story. Michael fucking Cole is the most obnoxious heel commentator this side of Mark Madden, and he's feuding with a relic of the ring who's pretty much retired by this point. This sets up a "match" at WrestleMania 27. At least Stone Cold is the special guest referee. Maybe he'll make this bearable. (He won't.)

Of course since Cole and Lawler are going to be away from the commentary desk, we get Josh Mathews (kill me) and Booker T. Oh, and Jim Ross too. At least there's one person who's ever been a good commentator. Cole comes out early to bury JR's entrance (and JR himself). He's fucking talking, in a stupid headguard and orange outfit. This is getting loud WHAT chants, of course, as if I didn't have enough reasons to mute this fucking thing. Jack Swagger comes out, apparently to second Cole, to a devastating silence. Thankfully Austin comes out, nearly runs Swagger over with his ATV, and chases Cole into the Cole Mine. Cole does some fake warming up in there until Austin rings the bell.

Lawler slides out of the ring to beat up Jack Swagger. Cole hides in his plexiglass box and begs for mercy, even offering a handshake... which Lawler uses to smash his face against the wall of the box. Lawler then climbs in and beats him up. Once out, Lawler tosses Cole into the Anonymous RAW GM's podium. Oh yeah, that was a thing too. Cole rolls into the ring and Lawler's about to join him but Swagger attacks him from behind. There's significant downtime while Cole waits in the ring, before he hits a baseball slide kick. He distracts the referee while Swagger slaps on an ankle lock. Cole demands a count-out, which Austin administers... very slowly.

Back in the ring, Cole works the injured leg. And by "works" I mean "stands on it while bouncing on the rope, and wraps it around the rope, and kicks it while against the rope". None of which looks good, and which lasts, no word of a lie, a full minute and 50 seconds. All while the crowd chants "you can't wrestle", and what sounds like "please God stop this". Cole wastes a lot of time tangling up Lawler's legs, which is pointless as they come untangled anyway, then does a shaky-legged bottom rope Swagger Bomb for two. Someone thought this was funny. His name probably rhymes with "Blince McBlahon".

Cole continues to slowly, unconvincingly work the leg. A full uninterrupted minute of Cole just smacking Lawler's leg against the mat. He then puts on the An-Cole Lock, and having typed that I wish I was dead. Lawler kicks out of it and starts stomping away at Cole. Swagger throws the towel in on Cole's behalf... and Austin just picks it up and wipes his brow. This match will, sadly, continue. He then gives Swagger a Stunner so the crowd has at least something to cheer. Cole begs for Austin to make it stop, but Austin leaves him to be beaten up by Lawler's famous right hand punches. The fist drop should win it... but Lawler lifts Cole up! Why?! He slaps on an ankle lock, and Austin waits for about 20 seconds of Cole tapping and giving up before he calls for the bell. Feel-good win for Lawler, brewski party, Booker T eats a Stunner, this feud can end now...

LOL NOPE we don't even get that. BRING BRING AND I QUOTE, the Anonymous RAW GM (through the voice of Josh Mathews) tells everyone that because the referee physically interfered in the match, the decision is reversed and Cole wins by DQ. Air is taken right out of the crowd, the fucking awful Cole/Lawler feud continues, "bullshit" chants all around. Lawler rolls Mathews into the ring, Austin gives him a Stunner, and rides off into the sunset.

Not even a good match to begin with, but WWE flipped the middle fingers directly in the face of everyone watching post-match. That one-two of bad wrestling and it not mattering in the end is why it's so poorly remembered. And I honestly agree. FUCK THIS MATCH. It can sit right above the Ric Flair debacle and be known as one of the worst things to happen in wrestling history.

 

[Sky]

Oh nice, we've gotten to a list of 99 like we did in the old thread. And it didn't take as long. I guess I was right in saying bad things are easier to review.

If you're wondering what I have planned for match 100... just like the old thread, it's going to be a full show. And I think you know which one.

Starting with match 100... I'll be reviewing all of Heroes of Wrestling. Pray for me.

 

[Rosie]

Oh nice, we've gotten to a list of 99 like we did in the old thread. And it didn't take as long. I guess I was right in saying bad things are easier to review.

If you're wondering what I have planned for match 100... just like the old thread, it's going to be a full show. And I think you know which one.

Starting with match 100... I'll be reviewing all of Heroes of Wrestling. Pray for me.

Embrace

The

BOLLOCKS

 

[Storm Trooper]

Oh nice, we've gotten to a list of 99 like we did in the old thread. And it didn't take as long. I guess I was right in saying bad things are easier to review.

If you're wondering what I have planned for match 100... just like the old thread, it's going to be a full show. And I think you know which one.

Starting with match 100... I'll be reviewing all of Heroes of Wrestling. Pray for me.

My condolences to your sanity. I shall pray for you during this troubling time.

 

[Sky]

Entry #100
The Samoan SWAT Team (Samu/Samoan Savage) vs. Marty Jannetty/Tommy Rogers
Heroes of Wrestling - October 10, 1999​

So, here we are. At the beginning of what is purported to be the worst show in the history of professional wrestling. The one with all the old-timers that WWF and WCW didn't want, embarrassing themselves. The horribly-run show where Sheik/Volkoff vs. Bushwhackers happened, and Jake Roberts got drunk. The one with Randy Rosenbloom, the guy who knows nothing about wrestling, being the worst wrestling commentator in history. This is actually happening, in real actual life. It's been over 24 years since this show but it still echoes in the nightmares of people all over the world to this day. I'm wasting a lot of time with the build, but wouldn't you if the alternative were watching this?

Anyway, this is the first match. The lesser halves of two famous tag teams against a team that's so named as to fool everyone into thinking that Fatu's going to be there instead of preparing for his WWF re-debut. Apparently they advertised Tama (which I'll use for the rest of this review because it's shorter than "Samoan Savage") as Fatu for this, which is some carny shit. The SST's manager (alongside Sika, because Afa was too busy) is a man named Paul Adams, who rambles on and on about something or other. During the faces' entrance, Randy claims that Tommy Rogers used to team with Jackie Fulton (wrong brother).

Bell rings, Samu and Jannetty start, and take turns posing for the fans to get boos and cheers respectively. Fuck, Jannetty looks twice his age. A couple of lock-ups that both end with Jannetty being shoved into the corner. The second knocks down an advertising banner on the mat, which a staff member props back up. Shots of the fans interrupt the action. Jannetty gets Samu out with a dropkick (or as commentary calls it, a leg kick) and an armdrag. Tama comes in but gets dropkicked too. The Samoans go for a walk while the faces play to the crowd. Back in the ring, more stalling until Jannetty hits an armdrag (or as Randy calls it, a "reverse slam takedown").

Now it's Rogers vs. Tama. There's a golden opportunity for a distracted referee spot right after the tag, when Jannetty's trying to get Samu out of the ring, but they just don't bother to take it. Tama goes for a boot-catch-enzuigiri spot but doesn't follow through, and Rogers just kicks him in the Samoan balls out of view of the referee. Jannetty tags in, double clothesline, then Jannetty goes into a chinlock. After that rest hold, Jannetty hits a crossbody for two. Tama rolls out of the ring and argues with a fan. Back in the ring, he hits an eye rake to take control. Samu gives Jannetty a cheeky kick in the back, and Tama headbutts Jannetty in his Rockers while the referee is admonishing his partner.

Samu in, and he's seemingly in generic squash mode. Samu goads Tommy Rogers while Tama grabs a chair and smashes Jannetty with it. Jannetty bashes Samu's face off the announce table and gives him a bulldog on the floor. Back in the ring Jannetty dodges a Vader Bomb and tags in to Rogers. Rogers nails Tama with a dropkick (sorry, "flying leg kick") and Samu with a powerslam. He then tries to clash the Samoans' heads together, but if you know outdated wrestling stereotypes well enough, you'll know how that works out. However, they do duck directly into a Tommy Rogers double DDT right after. Double bulldog by Jannetty, then they both dropkick Tama out. Jannetty goes out with a plancha to attack Tama, while back in the ring, Samu hits Rogers with the TKO for a kind of out-of-nowhere win.

Not actually a terrible start. It wasn't particularly fast-paced or exciting, but as a by-the-numbers match it did its job.