Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #83
Sabu (XPW) vs. Dirtbike Kid (EWA)
Hardcore Winner Takes All Match for the XPW World Heavyweight Championship and EWA European Junior Heavyweight Championship
FWA Evil Intentions: About to Explode - August 5, 2000​

And now we come to Dirtbike Kid's swansong. The final match he ever wrestled, against the man who got him his big break, Sabu. Of course, since it's in this thread, it didn't turn out well. Quote from DBK himself in the one interview he seemingly ever did:

The Evil Intentions show was very badly run, to the point where they had given 20 minutes on the card to some stupid gothic dance routine, that had nothing…and I repeat… nothing to do with wrestling… and having John Feltham (who is an ok guy, I liked him) come up to me to tell me that my match with Sabu, could only go…listen to this…. no more than 5 minutes, because they had already…gone over-time allowed.
I thought, you’re having a fucking laugh. Up to the point where they had announced, Sabu v DBK on the card, they had only sold 180 tickets. After we had been added, he had sold 1100 odd tickets in total, in half the time it took him to sell 180, with Dan Severn on the show. And he wanted us to screw over his paying customers with a five-minute screw job, because he didn’t realise how bad he’d booked the show.
In the end, we tried to make it last longer, but it turned into a disaster of a match in our opinion (which should have been a lot better) because of rubbish pasting tables that he had bought, and the complete rush we were put under because the building management wanted to close the Arena, before our match had even begun!!!! Sabu, and myself were happy to a degree as we tried under difficult circumstances to pull off a good match that turned out just ok really. We salvaged a near disaster really, that almost made us walk away from the building, but decided that the people outside shouldn’t pay the price, for their monumental fuck-up!

Maybe I could leave it with that, but I want to see this match for myself, so here we go!

This match starts similarly to how the 1995 match started, with attempts to sweep the legs being dodged. Eventually Sabu succeeds and starts a ground-and-pound. There's notably less matwork at the start of this match, and a lot more brawling. Sabu misses a springboard kick and DBK hits a crossbody for two. DBK goes for a dropkick whose technique is reminiscent of Erik Watts to knock Sabu out of the ring, then hits another crossbody to the outside. Now on the outside, Sabu tosses DBK over the barricade, grabs a fork, and starts to stab his opponent in the head with it. Sabu continues to bust DBK open with the fork, and brings him back over just to grind him and make him bleed more. Sabu is off camera for a while, and all we get is a shot of DBK stumbling about and falling on his shoulder on to an exposed bit of wooden floor.

Back to the ring... and Sabu continues to abuse the fork before hitting a slingshot leg drop for two. Sabu goes out to grab a table, and only finds a chair. Luckily this time some guy (probably the promoter) is on hand with one. You know, so DBK doesn't have to kick the ref to stop the count. Speaking of DBK, he grabs the chair and whacks Sabu in the head with it. He then lays Sabu on the table... which COLLAPSES! The crowd launches into a mix of booing and mocking laughter. Sabu hits DBK with a sloppy looking frankensteiner before the promoter slides in the chair. He then realises it's not the time for that spot, takes it out, and slides it in again! Sabu takes the chair and clatters DBK's already-bloody head with it, then uses it to pull off a step-up springboard corkscrew senton (at least, that's what I think it was; it only gets 2, though).

Sabu's got the chair set up to do his step-up kick, but DBK grabs the chair and hits him with it for a pin that draws a rope break. The promoter sets up the collapsed table in the corner of the ring as DBK slams Sabu to set up one of his trademark random top rope moves. This time it's a moonsault, which this time falls quite short, and only gets two. DBK tosses Sabu out, slides out to follow him, but Sabu comes out on top in the ensuing brawl (that the camera can't see). Sabu lays DBK on something... and the sound of breaking would, combined with the derisory laughter of the crowd, confirms that a SECOND table has collapsed! From what I can tell, Sabu and the promoter bring DBK over to a third table and THAT COLLAPSES TOO!



If you like table breaks, this isn't your match. If you like tables collapsing, this is the greatest match of all time. Sabu hits DBK with the third table before returning to the ring. He has to consult with the promoter before going outside and engaging in chair battle with DBK. Sabu wins, and rolls DBK into the ring for a two-count. This promoter geek comes in to set up Sabu's finish, using his body to help Sabu trip DBK (and land on the upturned first table, on the back of his neck). Sabu then goes for his step-up kick, and we get our first table working properly at the FOURTH time of asking. Shame DBK hasn't gotten up so Sabu misses completely. Ref fast counts to finish it.

Yeah, that was rubbish from start to finish. Probably doomed from the very beginning given the backstage accounts, but that doesn't really account for the production botches (those tables...).

 

[Alexa]

The more you learn about DBK you more you realize he was a huge dick.

 

[Sky]

Entry #84
CM Punk (c) vs. Ryback
Hell in a Cell Match for the WWE Championship
WWE Hell in a Cell - October 28, 2012​

Hello. Survivor Series was fun, wasn't it? And I have no idea why, but a lot of people are talking about one CM Punk. I know he's popular, but the number of people I've seen mention him have risen by a factor of 100 overnight! So, to stick with the times, I thought I might as well have a look at one of his worst-received matches. It happens to be one of the few times his WWE Championship defences main evented a PPV, and one of only two that didn't involve John Cena or the Rock. Sad statistic, I know. This is a match inside the Cage of Discomfort where Punk is a heel that no one really wants to boo, and Ryback is a face who is getting stale and who has an undefeated streak that needs protecting. Do you know what that means? I know what that means! Let's see, shall we?

There's a guy dressed as a pirate in the first row with a sign that says "Feed Me More RUM". Sometimes WWE fans are good. Champ out first, and announced first, which tells you how little Punk was viewed as a Guy. Punk's already in full weasel mode, slinking around outside the ring, looking like he's scared of this meathead. After Heyman outside of the cage lets Punk know how amazing he is, Punk reluctantly returns to the ring. However, he keeps running away (occasionally going for a cheap slap) until Ryback grabs him and chokes him high. Ryback goes for some strange offence that seems to involve just picking Punk up and tossing him down. Punk gets a foot up to block Ryback's corner charge and almost goes for a Tornado DDT but Ryback just tosses him off.

Ryback tosses Punk out, and once again the champ looks like a coward trying to escape a locked door. Ryback picks him up and throws him a couple of times into the cage walls. "Goldberg" chants rise up as Punk hides under the ring. Ryback gets into it with Heyman, and Punk pops out a fire extinguisher and sprays Ryback with it! That's the sort of dumb bullshit I can get into! Now Punk's in control, hitting a few high knees. Punk pulls out a chair but Ryback boots it right into him. Ryback then tosses the chair right at the wall, and the camera nearby is visibly running away! Ryback gorilla press tosses Punk back into the ring. He starts up a "Feed Me More" chant and goes for a corner tackle but Punk dodges it.

Punk hits a springboard clothesline, two axe handles, goes for a third but Ryback catches him and shoulder charges him. Punk gets Ryback with a spinning leg lariat, then hits a suicide dive into the cage. Punk's shoulder looks fucked. Punk hits a neckbreaker on the floor, goes for a second, Ryback breaks it, then goes for a spear, but Punk dodges sending Ryback clattering into the steps. Back in the ring, Punk has a chinlock but Ryback stands up and sits out to drop Punk on his tailbone. Ryback misses a corner charge, Punk hits a running knee, a clothesline, then a flying elbow!

Punk smashes a kendo stick over Ryback, who starts no-selling! He's Rybacking up! Ryback starts hitting clotheslines, power moves, then the Meat Hook! FINISH IT says Ryback, who's going for the Shell Shocked... but referee Brad Maddox hoofs him in the groin! Punk gets a quick roll-up and retains! I forgot this was how Maddox started. Punk can't get out before Ryback gets up and starts murdering him. Then he gets to Maddox, whom he tosses around. Punk runs for it up the cage... but Ryback follows and hits Shell Shocked on the Cell roof!

Made Punk look weak, and the booking with the crooked ref was silly, but really not a bad match.

 

[Chris]

Yeah that match isn't one I'd say bad, meh at worst

 

[Sky]

Yeah that match isn't one I'd say bad, meh at worst

I was honestly surprised that it was a sub-2.0 on Cagematch, which is normally reserved for the worst of the worst

 

[Jay-Ashley]

I was browsing through and Sky I am sorry you had to watch any "Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan matches

 

[Sky]

Entry #85
Jerry "The King" Lawler vs. Muhammad Hassan
WWE New Year's Revolution - January 9, 2005​

Last night I gave the wheel a few spins to decide the general direction of this thread going forward for the next few posts. This is the first thing that came up. We've got Muhammad Hassan, who is an example of why wrestling writers shouldn't do anything that requires subtlety. His character was an Arab-American who was sick of being stereotyped as a terrorist, so they had him be heel and act like a terrorist. And then an actual terrorist attack happened the day of a SmackDown airing so that was it for him. Also there was a segment where his lawyer was played by Tommaso Ciampa. His crusade against the media has seen him take out his anger on commentators, so it's him vs. Lawler on this show. I don't expect good things. Of course not, it's this thread.

JR is cornering Lawler for this match... so that means no commentary, apparently! Because that makes bad matches more palatable, always, and not less. "These people are all here to watch you die" -Hassan. Come on, he's not Ric Flair in 2022. Hassan slams Lawler and does his pose, and Daivari's going wild for it. Then Lawler slams Hassan. Naturally, Daivari isn't as into that. Long staredown. Hassan goes with what works and slams Lawler five times in a row. Lawler rolls out, and instead of Hassan following him, we just get him standing alone in the ring. Back in the ring, Lawler gets a boot up to escape the corner and hits a lariat. Then Hassan rolls out of the ring. We're on three minutes of belltime and so little has happened. Hassan squares up to JR so Lawler rolls out and punches him.

Hassan hits a back elbow, and goes to remove the turnbuckle pad. When the referee goes to reattach it, he misses a Lawler small package that could have theoretically won it. Hassan pushes Lawler into the exposed buckle. The only voice we're hearing right now is Daivari, probably because there's a camera guy next to him. Hassan's knee drop gets two. On goes the Camel Clutch, because Middle Eastern gimmicks can only have one finisher ever. Now a front facelock, which Lawler fights out but Hassan knocks him back down. He keepe reapplying the Camel Clutch but Lawler ain't tapping. Another knee to the face gets two. "Boring" chants ring out.

Hassan vertical suplex for two. Long chinlock, Lawler fights out, and then, you guessed it, Hassan gets another knee for two. He hits a neckbreaker, but Lawler doesn't fall all the way making it look stupid. "Boring" chants are back as Hassan bullies Lawler in the corner. Lawler starts to no sell... Straps down, he's Kinging up! (and my attempts to force the "He's [name]ing up!" meme continue...) Punches, dropkick, fist drop for two. Lawler hits a DDT but Daivari puts Hassan's foot on the rope. Lawler chases down Daivari, which leads to a crowd-popping moment when JR challenges Daivari! Daivari runs through the ring, Lawler gets only his jacket, and Hassan can hit a Flatliner for the win.

Old guy plus green guy equals a boring match. So much of this match was made up of time-wasting.

 

[Sky]

Entry #86
Lita (c) vs. Trish Stratus
for the WWE Women's Championship
WWE New Year's Revolution - January 9, 2005​

Though, apparently, Lawler vs. Hassan wasn't the only potential entry on this show! There's two more matches that I'm definitely going to be putting on, plus a third (Kane vs. Snitsky) that I'm saving for later because I've heard very mixed things about it. Apparently it was decent. How's that possible? It's Kane vs. Snitsky! Anyway, now I'm going to find out why a Trish vs. Lita title match was rated negatively.

Lock-up, Trish tries to do some corner-mounted punches or whatever but the referee stops him. Lita trips Trish and we get a bit of a rolling catfight. "We want puppies" chants because wrestling fans in 2005 were braindead. Lita tosses Trish to the outside, then goes for a Thesz press off the apron... but she's clutching her knee. We'll later find out that she tore her ACL. This is legit. Lita's showing a lot of pain, but she still kicks out of Trish's pin attempt. Now Trish is just trying to get as much as she can out of this match, roughing Lita up without putting her in too much danger. She does wrench the leg with the hurt knee a bit, though. A one-legged Lita tries to come back but collapses. Trish starts choking Lita a bit. Lita keeps trying to stand up. She eventually teases the DDT but her knee buckles once again. Chick Kick mercifully ends it, and Lita's 2005 is over.

Obviously had a damper put on it right away when Lita's knee got torn up. They did remarkably well to not have it finish flatly, but it's not a nice watch.

 

[Sky]

Entry #87
Shelton Benjamin (c) vs. Maven
for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
WWE New Year's Revolution - January 9, 2005​

And finally we have a match that should, by all rights, be good. Shelton's great! Maven isn't bad either! This should be a good match, just let them cook. And I suppose that they're getting extra time thanks to the unfortunate circumstances of Trish/Lita, so why is it in this thread? Let's find out.

Maven's a coward who doesn't want to lock up with Shelton. Lock-up eventually, and Shelton backs Maven into the corner. Crowd insults Maven in Spanish. Maven gets into it, which only makes the crowd louder. Maven teases coming back into the ring, but doesn't. He grabs a mic... and starts cutting a promo? What? And he stands on a chair and addresses the crowd, in that very typically racist we're-in-a-Spanish-speaking-area early 2000s way. Ref does not bother counting. Commentary implies the fans may be chanting that word that's the equivalent of the F slur but I'm not sure. Shelton follows him and tries to get back in the ring. Maven walks off, saying he'll fight him in the USA (which gets HUGE boos). However, he comes back to break the count-out, and immediately gets rolled up. I'm not kidding. This match was one lock-up, a promo, and then a roll-up.

Maven grabs a mic. claiming that didn't count, and demanding a rematch. Loud "goodbye" song from the crowd. Shelton isn't interested, but comes back after Maven claims he doesn't have the huevos. And then... T-Bone Suplex, pin.

Made Maven look completely stupid, waste of time, was on PPV. What's the point of talking about it, really.

 

[Jay-Ashley]

You know Maven has his own YouTube channel? It is quite something to watch/listen to

 

[Sky]

You know Maven has his own YouTube channel? It is quite something to watch/listen to

Yeah it's a nice watch

 

[Sky]

Entry #88
Knockouts Championship #1 Contender's Gauntlet Battle Royal
TNA One Night Only: Live! - January 8, 2016​

From a down period of WWE, we go to the Dark Ages of TNA. The era of "One Night Only" shows, when the company was financially circling the drain and there were serious doubts they'd survive. However, they did, and Hard to Kill in January 2024 is going to slap, I know it. Eight Januarys before, though, there was this live show, somehow one of only three live shows that year, and most of the show had nothing to excite and nothing on the line. There's two matches on this show that people remember not being good, and I'm watching them both. This is an eight-woman Gauntlet Battle Royal, which goes to show, honestly. You think WWE struggles to fill their Royal Rumbles, here's one with only eight participants. And since this is a sort of Rumble, we get Rumble-style formatting! Haven't seen it since the Corporate Rumble back in the old thread.

Number 1 - Madison Rayne
Number 2 - Jade

Jade, of course, is Mia Yim when she was in the Dollhouse. It's such a stereotypical name to give to Asian characters, it annoys me. Just let her be Mia Yim. (Looking at you, current WWE, fuck off with your "Michin".) Oh yeah, and the commentary team is Josh Mathews and the Pope, so might as well mute. Mia starts by missing a dropkick, and Madison hits a not-very-good headscissors. Mia tries to dump Madison already, but Madison recovers and comes back into the ring... which Mia sells like she's been hit in the head, despite them not having made contact. Madison misses an enzuigiri, but maybe Jade oversold it so it didn't look like it hit at all. She stops a Madison running boot by... slapping the boot? Josh makes comparisons to Rousey/Holm, in what is probably the equivalent of a hostage holding up a copy of today's paper to prove they're alive. Is the crowd chanting for Crazzy Steve??

Number 3 - Rebel

It's now a Dollhouse team-up. This was the post-Taryn Terrell era of the Dollhouse, when it wasn't as good. Josh continues to reference Holly Holm when Rebel hits a slow-moving kick. The two of them start to work over Madison, but rather gradually. It seems like they're trying to fill in time. Madison manages to kick both of them out of the corner. They both try to lift Madison out, but the way they do it just looks silly and makes them look incompetent. As does Rebel's half-speed offence.

Number 4 - Chelsea Green

DEAD silence for a woman making her TNA debut, but who now has more eyeballs on her than the other three put together. "Some of you may be familiar with Chelsea" -Josh. Oh yeah, she was on Tough Enough, wasn't she? When WWE decided they'd rather have Mandy Rose than her. Chelsea pushes Rebel over, which she responds to at leisurely pace. Is something wrong with Rebel? She's so slow. It's now Mia/Madison and Rebel/Chelsea. Crowd isn't responding well to it.

Number 5 - Marti Belle

And suddenly it's a Dollhouse dominance again. Marti and Mia hit Total Elimination on Madison; Josh doesn't call it anywhere near as well as Joey Styles did. Rebel hits a Mutaesque handspring back elbow (but that's Muta today, not prime Muta). There's no oomph, no urgency to this match. Mia goes for a facewash and completely misses on camera.

Number 6 - Deonna Purrazzo

This is such a weird piece of trivia. The Virtuosa appeared in TNA in 2016. And she didn't have a graphic, she barely had a piece of music, and Christy Hemme clearly had to check her notes to know who the hell she was. She has no idea how to carry herself, she looks so awkward, but she cleans house anyway, until Jade gets her and the Dollhouse bullying continues. Rebel misses her elbow, and the three babyfaces triple tackle the Dollhouse. Rayne topples Rebel for the first elimination.

Number 7 - Awesome Kong

Kong looks like she'd rather be anywhere else. She is technically the leader of the Dollhouse (she was for about a month) but her leadership mostly consists of throwing women into other women. Chelsea and Deonna try to team up against Kong (and there, right before our eyes, the story of VXT began) but Kong chokeslams them both. Deonna gets tossed, while Chelsea waits for about 10 seconds against the ropes to get eliminated too.

Number 8 - Velvet Sky

Final entrant is Velvet, who 2v1s Mia and Marti with a weird headscissors/DDT combo (looks like the two heels just lift her on their shoulders and then decide to land on their heads) followed by a double bulldog. Madison and Velvet start gently tapping their legs against Kong. Velvet tosses Marti, who survives for a long time until Madison finishes her off. Velvet then gets tossed by Mia. And now we're back to how we started, a gradually-paced Dollhouse beatdown. This match is so weirdly paced. Kong fireman carries Mia to use her as a weapon, Madison knocks them to the apron, then dumps Mia off. It's now Madison/Kong and pinfalls and submissions are on the menu.

Kong works the knees, teases the Implant Buster, but Madison breaks out. Madison takes Kong off her feet with a dropkick for two. Madison goes for a flying nothing, Kong tries a chokeslam but Madison rolls through for two. Spinning backfist, Implant Buster, Kong wins.

What's there to say? All of this match felt mistimed, there was so many cases where multiple women weren't on the same page, the crowd didn't care and they had no reason to care.

 

[Sky]

Entry #89
Abyss vs. Grado
Monster's Ball Match
TNA One Night Only: Live! - January 8, 2016​

Okay, here's the match that was on the wheel. And it was unadvertised at the start of this event. An unadvertised Monster's Ball? How does that work? They weren't even pretending to do the kayfabe of it anymore at this point. The build involves Pope coming off commentary to call out Grado. "He's beloved worldwide" says Josh as Grado gets zero reaction. Also Pope can't pronounce his name. Pope says Grado is a joke (which he is) and Grado makes an open challenge. Which gets Abyss. Abyss trashes Grado for wearing a bum-bag, announces it's Monster's Ball... so Grado starts dancing? What?

Oh, okay, it was a setup to kick Abyss in the nuts. That makes sense. Grado tosses a bunch of hardcore plunder into the ring (including that TNA hardcore staple: metal baking trays!). Abyss punches Grado down and teases using a grater on his face. Grado bashes Abyss with a garbage can twice, but when he goes for the third time Abyss slaps it on to Grado's face instead. Brawling to the outside, Abyss pulls out a table. You know it's 2016 and not 2023 because the crowd doesn't suddenly go rabid for the existence of a bit of wood. Table is propped between the guardrail and apron, Abyss teases a chokeslam through it but Grado fights out so Abyss just... gives up.

Abyss grabs his favourite thumbtack bag. He's about to chokeslam Grado into the tacks until Grado gives him a cheese grater to the balls! Grado goes for the punches and winds up for the Bionic Elbow but Abyss moves away so Grado just stumbles. Grado hits a kendo stick over Abyss's head. Grado climbs to the top rope but Abyss gets up, tosses the garbage can at Grado's face, and sends him falling through the table! Abyss finds some barbed wire boards and starts setting them up. as well as good old Janice. Remember when that was meant to be a dig at Dixie Carter's parents? Remember when he had a branding iron called Bob? Anyway, the usual spot, Abyss gets Janice stuck in the buckle rather than in Grado, then Grado baits Abyss into charging into a chair he'd set up in the corner earlier.

Abyss teases a chokeslam but Grado gives him a Wee Boot into the barbed wire! Grado sandwiches Abyss between two barbed wire boards and splashes him, but Abyss kicks out. Grado picks up Janice, tries to swing it, but Abyss catches him for a chokeslam into tacks! That wins it.

Very generic hardcore match, felt like a walk between spots, and ultimately pointless, but honestly it doesn't feel like a bad match on the level of most of this list. This was definitely the match the user requested on the wheel. Maybe they were thinking of the Abyss vs. Grado Monster's Ball from Bound for Glory 2017, which I remember actually being bad.

 

[Rosie]

Grado, I like him, but the guy's charm is his personality and crowd interactions. Not much of a ring general, and for sure not the best to have in a Monster's Ball against a past-his-prime Abyss. 2016, or 2017.

 

[Sky]

Entry #90
The Kat vs. Terri Runnels
Catfight
WWF WrestleMania 2000 - April 2, 2000​

The absolute state of women's wrestling in 2000. There were a lot of catfights back in the day, but this was the only one that was explicitly marketed as a catfight! Which, in terms of rules, is a through-the-ropes challenge (because at this time women weren't trusted to go over the top rope). The women's match on WrestleMania was contested between a pair of valets, one of whom is only notable otherwise for having gotten her tits out. Also, this was the only one-on-one match on the whole show. WrestleMania 2000 isn't exactly remembered as a classic, is it? There's two other matches I could cover after this, too! Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah (ugh) are cornering Kat and Terri respectively, and Val Venis (ugh) is the special guest referee. Let's get this over with.

Venis has got a black and white striped towel, and I can tell that's the only thing I'll like about this. Actually no, there's someone in the crowd with a sign saying "Steve Blackman's only fan". Superb. Kat's out in an inadvisable mesh body stocking. Both women try to seduce Venis before the match starts. Terri hits Kat with a "spear" and standard hair-pull-bash offence until Venis lifts her off to plant a kiss on her. And as soon as he sees Kat, he dumps Terri on the canvas to plant one on her too. Terri goes for hairdrags (as commentary calls them) before Kat initiates some hair-pulling offence too. Mae Young tries to take her top off but Venis stops her, which means Kat's winning toss goes unnoticed.

Moolah bundles Terri back in. They start catfighting again, Moolah and Mae both get in the ring. Mae tries to remove Terri, Val stops her, she kisses Val, and that means he can't notice Kat tossing Terri out again. Moolah yanks Kat out and rolls Terri back in, while Val Venis is selling Mae's kiss like it's the deadliest submission. When he turns around, that's it, Terri wins.

Though I have to admit Mae Young's antics at the end got a bit of a rise out of me, the point is that everything else in this match was dire. Two non-wrestlers, trying to wrestle, and failing. That's it.