Entry #73
Clowns R Us (Doink/Dink/Pink/Wink) vs. The Royal Family (Jerry "The King" Lawler/Cheesy/Queasy/Sleazy)
Traditional Survivor Series Match
WWF Survivor Series - November 23, 1994
But, of course, it didn't end, did it? After Doink became a babyface, he: got a Christmas gift in the form of his own Mini-Estrella version, Dink; had a match with Dink against Bam Bam Bigelow and Luna Vachon; and started clashing with Jerry Lawler by calling him the "Burger King". The latter resulted in this match, where Doink found two additional mini-Doinks and Lawler found three mini-Kings, seemingly just to shoehorn this into a Survivor Series match. That tended to happen a lot in the 90s, I feel, singles feuds being turned into Survivor Series matches by adding previously-unknown henchmen. This match is apparently just as bad as the previous one. How's that possible? Let's find out!
A bit of historical record on who the little people in this match were, because there's not much documentation on them:
- Dink was Claude Giroux, who was basically the WWF's go-to "haha little people funni" babyface. He appeared as Tiger Jackson a few times, and at least once as the Macho Midget in a frightening mask. I get the feeling he'll be around often.
- Pink wrestled on the indies as Mighty Doom.
- Wink was Roger Calvert, who doesn't have much career info about him. Cagematch and IMDb says Wink was indy mini wrestler Bad Boy Buck but this is apparently wrong. He passed away in 2022.
- Queasy was Little Louie, who was the heel foil to Tiger Jackson/Dink above.
- Sleazy doesn't have much known about him but he had a few matches against Little Louie on the minor indies and appeared in Women's Extreme Wrestling.
- Cheesy is the least known of all, but his name was Larry Gibson and he passed away in 2017.
Lawler grabs a mic mid-entrance and loudly demands the crowd not chant "Burger King", which is... actually rather endearing. Guy's a great heel. Monsoon mentions that the big wrestlers can only fight each other, and the little wrestlers can only fight each other. Wonder if that'll come up.
We kick off with Doink Prime against Lawler, and there's the Burger King chants. A couple of lockups, a boot-catch-enzuigiri, and Lawler's suddenly crawling back towards his kings claiming a broken nose. Lawler does the same spots but Doink ducks. Doink applies a wristlock, stretches the arm out on the ground, then all the clowns come to run over Lawler. The kings come to chase the clowns, but that means they run over Lawler too. Not so much a laugh as a slow outward breath, but that's more than I expected. Lawler has a loud, angry team talk. Lawler tries the same spot as Doink just did, but this time, the clowns aren't stupid enough to give chase, and the kings fall over each other. Legitimately the best part of this match is Lawler being distressed by Burger King chants.
Doink hits three scoop slams in a row and Lawler does a flop. All three mini clowns attempt separate pins on Lawler, which Doink counts two for each. Pink comes out to walk over Lawler and taunt him. Lawler tries to do the slam + fake pin thing, but Doink tosses the kings into Lawler's arms, one of them gets his shoulders down, and Dink counts a pin! Okay, that popped me just a little. Lawler gets a Burger King crown plopped on his head, and he is distraught! Lawler wants one of the mini-Doinks to come out, so Dink gets on Doink's shoulders. He's full Scrappy Dooing it, wanting a square go with Lawler. Lawler responds by getting on a mini's shoulders! See, you've got a difference here. You've got a clown, and you've got someone who's funny.
Test of strength spot. Lawler calls his kings out, which leads to a criss-cross spot featuring four little people that just ends in them colliding with each other. Another test of strength is teased, but Lawler uses brass knuckles or something (it's not clear) to drop Doink. Two mini-Kings help to pull off a rope choke. Lawler tries to whip Doink into all three of his partners' outstretched feet, but Doink counters and Lawler eats it instead. Clowns and kings running around the ring, while Doink Prime hits a back elbow. Doink goes for a flying crossbody but Lawler rolls through, grabs the tights and eliminates Doink. At this point, the match should surely be called, because if little people can only fight each other, the clowns have no way to eliminate Lawler. And yet it continues.
Queasy against Dink now, and he applies a hammerlock. Dink responds by biting him on the ass. Lawler complains to the referee, so Dink bites him as well. Now Cheesy vs. Wink, and Wink starts pulling on the goatee beard of his opponent. As a babyface. Dink back in with an axe handle. Dink hits the world's smallest monkey flip and now Wink is back. Wink tries the same but Lawler holds on to Cheesy and helps get the cheap pin. Pink does some acrobatics, so Sleazy tries the same and falls on his face. Lawler berates Sleazy for his failure, then Queasy for not getting in immediately. Queasy spins Pink on his head, and then distracts the referee while Lawler lifts Cheesy up to splash Pink for three.
Dink against Sleazy to finish. Dink goes for an axe handle that clearly misses, then slams the much larger Sleazy. He hits an elbow, but can't go for the pin as he has to fight off Cheesy and Queasy. Dink hits a crossbody on Sleazy but Lawler comes in to stop the ref counting the three. The distraction allows Queasy to come in and turn the pinning predicament around, and that's it, the Kings win in a clean sweep.
Post-match, Lawler grabs the mic and takes full credit, demanding his Royal Family stop celebrating with him. When they don't, he tries to attack them, and the mini-Doinks emerge from under the ring. All six little people swarm Lawler, and chase him around. Just when he thinks he's escaped, Doink shows up to pie him. That's your match.
Honestly, not as anus-clenchingly awful as I thought it would be. Lawler, the guy in this match who was meant to be the least funny, was actually the only one who got even a bit of mirth in. But, the wrestling took a backseat, and it committed the cardinal sin of a wrestling match: it got no one over. The clowns look bad for losing 4-0, and Lawler got his ass turned on by his team. So, no one gets the win, so to speak.
Only saving grace, imo, is that it's so damn crazy (&) bad, that it's at least kinda entertaining to watch.
