Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Chris]

I don't remember this match but they had one at Judgment Day 04 too where Dawn has a wardrobe malfunction and that was great

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #62
Triple H (c) vs. Scott Steiner
for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
WWE Royal Rumble - January 19, 2003​

This, however, WAS the match I was going to talk about! Triple H vs. Scott Steiner won WON's Worst Match of the Year award in 2003, and the fact that that was decided by people who watched Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie immediately before this speaks volumes. At least there was Angle/Benoit right after this, otherwise this PPV would be remembered as a suckfest. Let's watch the two men who provided most suck in this suckfest: the Reign of Terror era HHH and roid-inflated Scott Steiner!

The pop Steiner gets lasts about a quarter of the way through his entrance. In fact, during the initial staredown, more people are chanting for HHH (the heel). There's an early exchange of punches which Steiner dominates. He does a gorilla press takeover (which I think was meant to be a gorilla press slam but HHH was slipping off to the side anyway). Now brawling on the outside, Steiner hits a clothesline before going for punches that clearly leave light years before hitting HHH, no matter what angle WWE's camera guys show of them. He throws HHH against a bunch of the furniture back-first, then brings him back in wtih a vertical suplex for two. Steiner continues to target HHH's back with forearms and an Irish whip.

Steiner goes for a Boston crab, but he's immobile enough that he can't bend HHH's back at all. HHH gets a kneeling facebuster but Steiner no-sells it completely. Steiner uses a bearhug, because yes, it is the 1970s. HHH needs an eye rake to get out, but then Steiner hits Belly-to-Belly Suplex #1 for two. He tries to set up the Steiner Recliner but Flair drags HHH out of the ring. More Steiner domination until HHH gets a surprise boot out of the corner (this gets a pop. Again, HHH is the heel). HHH stomps away and tosses Steiner out, clattering him into some steel steps. Back in the ring, HHH hits HHH Neckbreaker #1 for two. Ref distraction so Flair can choke Steiner with his suit jacket. HHH Neckbreaker #2 for two.

HHH goes for a rope choke, and when the ref takes him off it, Flair uses the distraction to continue the job. HHH goes for the Pedigree but can't lift Steiner up, Steiner hits a catapult and then Steiner Belly-to-Belly Suplex #2. He teases a piledriver but can't keep HHH up, who hits HHH Neckbreaker #3. Triple H goes for a flying nothing to set up Steiner Belly-to-Belly Suplex #3. More punches and clotheslines until Steiner gets a back body drop. This is followed by Steiner Belly-to-Belly Suplexes #4, #5, and #6. Crowd is booing by the end of this (reminder: Steiner is the face). More hair-pull attacks into the corner, then Steiner Belly-to-Belly Suplex #7. Steiner teases a Pedigree of his own, converts it into a double underhook powerbomb... oh wait, no he doesn't, he botches it and falls on his ass. The booing is getting louder.

Steiner hits a superplex for a very close two. Flair tries to drag HHH away so he can retain by count-out, but Steiner bowls them both over. While the ref is busy with Flair, HHH goes for a belt shot, but Steiner counters it and hits HHH with the belt instead. Steiner walk-and-brawls a now-bleeding HHH back to the ring for Steiner Belly-to-Belly Suplex #8. HHH tries to run into the crowd but Steiner walk-and-brawls him back. He then teases using a chair, but chooses not to. Back in the ring, he does push-ups in front of his opponent. Flair requests a referee stoppage due to bleeding... wouldn't that make Steiner the champion? Referee stoppages are weird, sometimes they're a win, sometimes they're not.

HHH bumps the referee because of fucking course he does. Hebner rolls back in, but refuses to throw the match out because that would mean HHH kept the title. Counterpoint, Hebner: it would stop this match. Steiner Belly-to-Belly Suplex #9 for two. Flair distracts the referee while a downed HHH hits a low blow and a rollup for two. HHH grabs the sledgehammer, and despite the ref's insistence, he uses it anyway on Steiner, which finally draws the DQ. Which means there's going to be a rematch. Yay. Steiner hits HHH and Flair with the hammer, locks in a Steiner Recliner, and that's your lot.

That match dragged. Scott Steiner wasn't exactly the ring worker he once was or anything, but surely he could do something more than belly-to-belly suplexes and brawl. Hell, the point of him working the back was for the Steiner Recliner. He went for it exactly once, and then never again. What was the point?

 

[Chris]

Yeah I can't believe that actually won worst match bc there's usually more laughable bad shit but that match almost made me give up reviewing the best and worst Observer ones, it was so long

 

[Skyefire]

I think big ticket matches are more likely to win Worst Match of the Year than smaller matches. Especially when you count the time elapsed from when the match took place to when the awards were voted on people may have forgotten about a match like Torrie Wilson vs Dawn Marie, especially since no one was really expecting anything special out of them. But when two main eventers put on a stinker, they remember.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #63
Mr. America vs. Sean O'Haire
Lie Detector Test vs. Roddy Piper's Job Match
WWE SmackDown - May 22, 2003​

If you believe Cagematch, Triple H vs. Scott Steiner was not the worst match of 2003. Neither was this, actually, but it seemed like an unorthodox pairing, but here it is. Here we've got two of the more memorable gimmicks of that year. Sean O'Haire's "Devil's Advocate" character, which was completely squandered, and Mr. America, who is absolutely not Hulk Hogan. This is where they collide, in their only career match with each other. If Mr. America wins, O'Haire's mentor Roddy Piper is fired. If O'Haire wins, Mr. America has to take a polygraph test to prove he's not Hulk Hogan. Holy stipulation, Batman! Let's watch.

Mr. America comes out with Zach Gowen, and if there's a more 2003 sentence I haven't heard it. Somehow RAW beat SD for Worst Weekly Show in 2003. What happened there? I'm a fan of the Network dubbed theme they use for O'Haire here. Fits a sinister character like him. A few lockups to start. O'Haire misses a corner charge and Mr. America starts going ham on him. Mostly with punches. Piper stops Mr. America from hitting a clothesline, so O'Haire can take control. A fist drop and several kicks to the back earn Sean O'Haire a two count... as does a punt kick. Then comes a sleeper hold. A minute-and-a-half-long sleeper hold. During which Piper demands the ref call for the bell. You know how it works from there - arm droop, Mr. America raises it the third time.

Mr. America tries to rally but eats an O'Haire kick for two. But at this point he starts to Hulk Mr. America Up - no-selling punches, saying "YOU", punch, big boot. He knocks down Piper and hits an very un-Hogan-like leg drop, but Piper gets up in time to break the pin. Vince McMahon comes out with a bunch of cops. "I don't want to interrupt your match", he says, while interrupting the match. He orders the cops to arrest... Zach Gowen? I'm sure it makes just as much sense in context. Mr. America comes out to reason with the cops, and gets counted out. Then Piper comes out to hit him with a chair because it's the 1980s again.

Very typical Hogan squash structure (despite not involving Hulk Hogan at all), but with a weird ending tacked on. Still not really worse than HHH/Steiner though.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #64
Giant Baba vs. Raja Lion
Different Style Fight
AJPW Super Power Series - June 9, 1987​

@Alexa recommended I do this one next. Thanks, Alexa! There's a lot of weirdness about this match, and not just because Raja Lion worked this match and seems to have vanished. The story was that apparently this was a dig at Inoki and his Different Style Fights, trying to prove wrestling was better than every martial art. So they got this guy in, billed as an undefeated kickboxer with hundreds of wins, but was apparently just the tallest guy Baba could find, plucked out of a curry shop and into the ring. Also they didn't tell him wrestling was a work. Just to pop the boys. Sweet Jesus. Let's see what the damage is.

Raja starts by going for kicks, with all the grace of a giraffe on rollerskates, and FALLS ON HIS ASS on the third one. He goes for some more, apparently not having hurt Baba at all... and falls on his ass again! After a few more attempts at kicks that do nothing, he attempts what I think is meant to be a chop. More silly kicks, and this time Baba catches his arm and goes for a rope choke. Unstable kicks continue, and one actually hurts Baba this time. He goes for a high kick, and goes right over Baba's head. Honestly, considering it's Giant Baba, that's impressive. But also really stupid. Baba grabs Raja's leg, and is about to attack, but Raja escapes by falling on his ass again. They try that same spot again, but this time Baba downs Raja with a slap (at least I think he does; maybe Raja just tripped over again). Another leg grab, another pratfall, and that's the first round.

Round 2 and Raja mixes it up between high kicks that miss by a mile and low kicks that Baba doesn't sell. Then some knife-edge chops (if said knife was rusty and unable to cut anything). He's throwing himself into these kicks, and he's like Bambi on ice. Eventually Baba says "fuck it", slaps on an armbar, and Raja gives up. Post-match, Tiger Jeet Singh attacks Baba because this was part of an angle too apparently.

Wow. So bad, it's unbelievable. Raja Lion is somehow about as bad as One Warrior Nation was.

 

[Alexa]

Yeah, the match sucked, but you have to admire the pettiness that Baba was willing to do

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #65
Chuck Palumbo vs. Matt Jackson
WWE SmackDown - February 22, 2008​

This is from the wheel. Kind of a weird match to have on a wheel, a random SmackDown squash. Whoever offered it gave this opinion: "I think Chuck Palumbo vs Matt Jackson is a really good TV squash but what do you think of it?" Well, let's find out what I think of it!

Oh, this is biker Chuck Palumbo. The walking midlife crisis rides his hog into the ring to very mid reaction. Chuck starts by decking his Young Buck victim with one punch. Chuck does have a pretty nice big boot. Maybe it's just the way Matt sells it. Chuck tosses Matt outside and shoves him back-first into multiple ring posts. Matt tries the leg-catch-enzuigiri spot but Chuck just clotheslines his head off. Chuck could have finished this with a Samoan drop variation, but he lifts Matt up so he can do it with Full Throttle.

Kinda mid as squashes go. What this did to me is demonstrate Chuck's limitations as well as his strengths. All he really does is brawl, and there's a gap between brawling. But still beats a lot of the matches on the list somehow

 

[Rosie]

Entry #65
Chuck Palumbo vs. Matt Jackson
WWE SmackDown - February 22, 2008​

This is from the wheel. Kind of a weird match to have on a wheel, a random SmackDown squash. Whoever offered it gave this opinion: "I think Chuck Palumbo vs Matt Jackson is a really good TV squash but what do you think of it?" Well, let's find out what I think of it!

Oh, this is biker Chuck Palumbo. The walking midlife crisis rides his hog into the ring to very mid reaction. Chuck starts by decking his Young Buck victim with one punch. Chuck does have a pretty nice big boot. Maybe it's just the way Matt sells it. Chuck tosses Matt outside and shoves him back-first into multiple ring posts. Matt tries the leg-catch-enzuigiri spot but Chuck just clotheslines his head off. Chuck could have finished this with a Samoan drop variation, but he lifts Matt up so he can do it with Full Throttle.

Kinda mid as squashes go. What this did to me is demonstrate Chuck's limitations as well as his strengths. All he really does is brawl, and there's a gap between brawling. But still beats a lot of the matches on the list somehow

Chuck was a major Bike lover irl. Guy even works on Bikes his post wrestling career. The idea was never bad. I'll never knock him for wanting to put some of him in his character. Just towards the later stages of his career and a Motorcycle character was probably not the best to have since Taker had his less than a decade ago. But the guy is for all intensive purposes, a great guy. Got a show for his custom bikes on Discovery for a while, allegedly saved a woman in a car accident in 2016. Still crazy that we've had a Young Buck on Smackdown early in their career in a squash (Twice, this and there was one with Big Show).

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #66
Big Show vs. The Corporate Ministry (Big Boss Man/Viscera/Mideon/Prince Albert)
Traditional Survivor Series Match
WWF Survivor Series - November 14, 1999​

This is where I'd put an AEW Full Gear match, as AEW Full Gear happened last night, but to my surprise there's never been any badly received Full Gear matches. None of them really figures in "worst AEW PPV match" lists. Whereas DoN or All Out, hoo boy, there's some choices there. So I'm going back to the original plan of watching Survivor Series stuff. And this isn't the only dumb thing that happened with Big Show at Survivor Series 1999, but if I remember rightly, the title match was acceptable honestly, so it doesn't belong here. This however... one giant against four big dudes. Side note: I'm calling it a Corporate Ministry team despite it having disbanded a few months earlier, because three of the guys in that team were in the Corporate Ministry and one was the protege of Big Boss Man. It's easier to say. Also, this is Nelson Frazier Jr.'s debut in this thread somehow. He'll be back. Let's go.

Let's cover the entrances, as this is a short one. Prince Albert comes out to a generic instrumental rather than, as I'd hoped, a song that sings "My Name Is A Cock Piercing" over and over. Mideon's wearing weird face paint, but at least he's wearing something. We get packages of Boss Man mocking Big Show's dead dad and hijacking the funeral, and oh yeah, that feud was happening, wasn't it? Also, Boss Man is Hardcore Champion, so that's a lot of things happening at once. Turns out Big Show beat up all his partners (who were Kaientai and the Blue Meanie, three guys who were never taken seriously) so he could do this by himself.

We start with Show doing an awful job of dumping Albert out of the ring. Chokeslam to Mideon and he's gone. Then a chokeslam to hairy-backed Albert and he's gone too. He tries it on Viscera but the big leather-loving bastard gets up so... Show just chokeslams him again and pins him. Boss Man waits outside the ring, displaying his cowardice like a true cop. He runs away and loses by count-out. Somehow he got a World Title shot against Show on the next major PPV. Who says Attitude Era booking was better?

Story match, over in a few moves (well, one move repeated a few times), and feels like it just buries four men to serve one. Seven men, if you count the fact that Kaientai and Meanie were murdered earlier. Shrug.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #67
Val Venis/Mark Henry/Gangrel/Steve Blackman vs. The British Bulldog/Joey Abs/Pete Gas/Rodney
Traditional Survivor Series Match
WWF Survivor Series - November 14, 1999​

And it turns out that wasn't the only Survivor Series match on that show that didn't go down well, as this one's currently pitching a 2.78 on Cagematch (as I found out when I was looking up this show). Let's see what all the negative attention is about. It's a team that could be called "Death by Sex" against the odd pairing of bad-back Davey Boy and the Mean Street Posse... I think I could guess why this match isn't liked, actually.

We get a basic start from Bulldog and Venis. Bulldog tries to tag into the wrong corner, and eventually tags in Pete Gas, who looks like he has no idea where he is or what he's doing. He gets one look at Venis flexing and tags Bulldog back in. Bulldog hits a vertical suplex and now Gas can come in, stomping and punching like only a friend of Shane McMahon can. Gas hits a catapult and back suplex for two. Venis hits a bulldog and tags in Blackman. Gas fails to beat Blackman in a striking game, and a pump kick from Blackman takes Gas out in short order.

In comes Rodney, who seems slightly more effective. Key: slightly. Blackman beats away at him with a back elbow that floors him, then tags in Gangrel. Rodney tries a motherfucking CRUCIFIX BOMB (because of course! That's how you beat a vampire!) but only gets two. Tasha Steelz would have gotten three on that, I'll tell you. Gangrel has momentum, Joey Abs tries to get some cheeky offence while the referee is distracted, but hits Rodney by mistake. The Impaler DDT finishes Rodney and now it's 4-on-2. Crowd doesn't seem to give a flying fuck about it, though.

Now it's Joey Abs, the only actual trained wrestler of the Mean Street Posse, who gets two off a vertical suplex. Gangrel hits a suplex of his own and brings in Mark Henry, who gets flapjacked by Abs. Abs rope chokes Henry and goes for that rope-choke-charge move (what's it called?) but crotches himself on the ropes. Henry then does the same move, but doesn't miss. A running splash by Henry finishes Joey Abs off. Now it's jeans enthusiast Bulldog on his own. Henry bullies him and tosses him into the air. Gangrel comes in and goes to the top rope, but Bulldog stops him and hits a superplex to eliminate Gangrel. Blackman's in to hit a backbreaker and a suplex, but he misses a diving headbutt. He goes for a really unusual rolling pin... Not sure if that was botched. Fisherman suplex by Bulldog eliminates Blackman (pretty sure that was in one move, as no one really got any other offence on him).

Venis comes right in, brawling. Bulldog goes for a sunset flip but Henry breaks it up. They try to double team but Bulldog clotheslines them both. Crowd remains quiet. Venis's small package (heh) gets a two-count despite Bulldog's shoulder visibly being up. Venis gets tossed out, but this only distracts the ref so Henry can attack Bulldog. A scoop slam and splash downs Bulldog so Venis can hit the Money Shot and finish it. Crowd doesn't care still.

Really generic, suffered from a poor crowd, no real exciting moments... why was this on PPV again?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #68
Mae Young/The Fabulous Moolah/Tori/Debra vs. Ivory/Jacqueline/Luna Vachon/Terri Runnels
WWF Survivor Series - November 14, 1999​

One more from this show. Notice that this isn't a Survivor Series match. Yep, the 14-Diva match where each of them got eliminated in seconds was PROGRESS. Back in 1999, they didn't have enough time to eliminate each of them! Which is surprising because this match features Mae Young (who somehow always got time for her stupid shenanigans back in those days) and Moolah (who is still somehow recognised as a 28-year champion of a title that technically only existed for 2 months before she dropped it). Of course the heel team includes three competent women and also Terri Runnels, so I don't expect they'll get much, They call this a "Sudden Death" match to hide the fact that it's just a regular tag. Or maybe it's a reference to the two preserved corpses in the face corner.

Ivory (the Women's Champion, might I add) is jumped in mid-entrance by Mae and Moolah, and the bell rings despite her never having been in the ring. Luna brings Mae into the ring, and hits some... offence? I have no idea what she's doing or why it's supposed to hurt, she's just holding Mae's head and doing a little hop. Tori tags in (from the outside, and closer to the heels' corner) and weakly tackles Luna, who tags Jacqueline. We get a DDT (which Luna is near but I don't know why; maybe she's just here for moral support) and a double suplex. Crowd demands puppies. Luna gets back rakes and tags in Ivory, but Tori clotheslines them both. Moolah tags in while Jacqueline randomly attacks Tori. A snapmare, a scoop slam, and both pensioners clothesline Ivory for the three. Post-match there's a bit of a mass catfight and Debra rips Terri's top off (neither was involved in the match proper).

Structurally messy and full of poor offence. That's women's wrestling in 1999!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #69
Val Venis vs. Steve Blackman
WWF Unforgiven - September 26, 1999​

nice

For this nicest of numbers, I had to go with a match from a holder of one of WWF's bad sexual gimmicks of yesteryear. And since according to Cagematch, none of Mark Henry's worst matches happened when he had the Sexual Chocolate gimmick, we go to Val Venis, for this match that took place at Unforgiven 1999. On the same show as the Kennel from Hell (this is late, late Russo WWF), the opener was this aggressively midcard matchup. That's right, the opener. This was meant to get the crowd hyped. Let's see how it is.

Venis interrupts his entrance midway through to go back and grab a bag that apparently contains Blackman's martial arts weapons. Lawler repeatedly implies the bag contains sex toys. God, he's awful. Venis cuts a promo about being blown. 1999 was lame. Crowd immediately falls asleep as Blackman enters.

Noted punchy-kicky man Blackman punches and kicks away to start with, but Venis hits a clothesline and takes control. Blackman attempts a monkey flip but Venis bats him off, before missing an elbow drop. They brawl on the outside and Blackman somehow manages to botch getting his face smashed into the ring apron. Commentary lets us know that the Brooklyn Brawler is refereeing this match because the real refs are on strike. Somehow I'm more confused than I was before hearing that. Blackman targets Venis' crotch after he gets caught on the ropes, hitting an inverted atomic drop, but Venis trips Blackman out. Brawling on the outside. I'm getting the feeling that every Attitude Era match is the same. Val's down after colliding with some steps. Blackman smashes Venis' back against the ring post and gets a very slow two.

More targeting the back, with whips into the corner, stomps and a kneeling backbreaker. Snap suplex followed by... a rest hold. Of course, Venis fights out, with a kick and a clothesline. "He's starting to rise... to the occasion" -fuck off, Lawler. Crowd wakes up for Venis rallying. Knees to the midsection, Russian legsweep, Venis does his taunt before hitting the pin so it only gets two. Blackman hits a crossbody but Venis rolls through for two. Blackman hits a spinebuster and a jackknife pin for two. Venis gets a bulldog, DDT, Money Shot, and it's over. Post-match Blackman breaks a kendo stick on Venis' body until security and medical staff comes out. And the head of security tackles Blackman! Yay, I guess?

Really nothing to say about this one. Generic, had no business on PPV, "why?" is my main question.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #70
The Mega Powers (Hulk Hogan/Randy Savage) vs. The Alliance to End Hulkamania (Kevin Sullivan/Lex Luger/Meng/The Barbarian/Ric Flair/Arn Anderson/Z-Gangsta/The Ultimate Solution)
Doomsday Cage Match
WCW Uncensored - March 24, 1996​

You may notice something new in the opening posts. This reflects my desire to focus a bit more, get the "famous" bad matches out of the way. So I chose to write out the Observer's Worst Matches of the Year and the current Cagematch bottom 50 (minus the ones I've already done, of course). There's some real stinkers in the categories I chose, and there's also some really depressing shit, so that's fun too!

Here's a random pick from those matches. It's a masturbatory Hogan match, featuring an inadvisable gimmick with three cages, and eight heels, two of whom aren't full-time wrestlers and one of whom was named after genocide. Sometimes WCW is too stupid to make up. Let's drag ourselves through this.

Big pyro around the Doomsday Cage to start with, then Michael Buffer introduces everyone one by one. And the commentators talk directly over him. Who did the audio mixing for this shit? He also says Ultimate Solution has the most powerful arms in wrestling history... He must have trained them hard, having not wrestled a match in nearly two years and only 18 in his career. I notice now that the cage is divided between a Horsemen floor, a Dungeon of Doom floor, and a floor with no one on it (because the actors haven't shown up). Commentary asks where Brian Pillman is. You fired him legit to try and do a worked shoot, but he decided not to come back. You fucking idiots.

As the match starts, it's Hogan/Arn and Savage/Flair brawling. My attention is drawn to the wire floors that could give at any moment. Guess no one will be taking bumps this match. They can't even stomp to sell their punches, so it just looks like they miss. Savage and Flair are trying their best, to be fair. Hogan does something that looks like hugging Flair around the pole in the middle of the cage. Hogan responds with a nerve hold. God, how awful must this be to watch in the arena? The lighting is no good. Commentary thinks Savage slammed Arn, but really he just bashed Arn into the pole and let him fall over. Crowd reacts for a Hogan shirt rip and Hulk-up, but that just leads to more brawling. There really is pretty much zero to say here.

Arn at least does something by tweaking Hogan's knee and slapping on a Figure Four. When any of these guys is on their back I worry the cage will cave in. Flair also gets a Figure Four on Savage but the faces turn it over. Flair passes some sort of foreign object down to a lower level. Why not use it? There's no real concept of rules here anyway. Hogan tosses some powder at the lower levels, and then at Flair and Arn, before opening a convenient trapdoor to move to the middle level. Why not just do that to start with? When the referee follows them down (there's a referee? Why???) this apparently means Flair and Arn are both out.

This next level (with a partition in the middle) starts, tellingly, with Savage getting his ass kicked and Hogan standing tall. Jimmy Hart slips Sullivan a weapon, but Hogan blocks it and pulls out a chain which he uses to nail Sullivan and Luger. "This beats anything we've ever done" -Schiavone. Presumably not in a positive category. Luger grabs the chain. A Faces of Fear double team ends prematurely when Barbarian clotheslines Meng by mistake. Hogan uses his chain to SHUT THE DOOR between the partition (????) so Meng and Barbarian are locked out of the action. Flair and Arn try to follow Hogan and Savage now. Aren't they eliminated? Hogan and Sullivan fight to the outside of the cage (????) where Hogan tries to kick Sullivan off the scaffolding. You know, like babyfaces do! They're now fighting downstairs... Savage and Luger join them...

THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN THE CAGE NOW! What was the point of the cage?

They're now fighting in the entranceway, and Hogan takes Sullivan to ringside. Of the actual ring where it usually is, not of the ring at the bottom of the cage. Mic shot by Hogan, then a big boot but no leg drop. Finally the rest of the heels make their way down. Hogan walk-and-brawls Sullivan back to the vicinity of the cage. Notably, Hogan's always on top in whatever brawl he's in, and Savage is never on top; this is clear when they switch partners and Savage starts to struggle with Sullivan. Hogan brings Luger to the ring(????) while Sullivan drags some wood around(????). It's now a split screen between Hogan murdering Luger and whatever Sullivan/Savage are doing. Sullivan hits a nut shot and now all 4 are in the ring, turning this into what would happen if tornado tags were a thing in the bad old days of Hulkamania.

Hogan murders Luger with a chair, but as soon as he leaves Savage to it, Luger suddenly takes control. This is a running theme. More brawling, I'm regretting watching this. FINALLY, here come the two actors, who drag Hogan and Savage back to the cage. At LAST. I never thought I'd want more Doomsday Cage. Where are the other four heels by the way? Did they just disappear? Hogan's even with Solution while Zeus is beating on Savage (yep, again). Sullivan pokes Savage from the outside with a stick, but this just wakes him up to get on the top rope and hit an axe handle. Hogan and Solution are having some of the worst brawling I've seen.

Hogan breaks Zeus' bearhug on Savage and they have a staredown. Zeus chokes Hogan out while Solution slams Savage. Savage goes up top but Solution catches him for a bearhug and he needs Hogan's help again. Savage tries to retrieve a weapon but here come the supposedly eliminated Flair and Arn. It's four-on-two and Jimmy Hart is laughing like a maniac. Absolute heel dominance. Then Booty Man shows up (god, there's a guy who should be front and centre in this thread) and gives Hogan and Savage weapons. Those weapons being FRYING PANS. Hogan throws some powder and the frying pan beatdowns begin. Hogan even breaks the handle off his.

Luger comes in, starts to clean up, and puts on a black glove (a Coal Miner's Glove probably). He lines up an attack on Savage with Flair holding him back, but oops, reliable spot where the heel hits his partner by mistake! Hogan escapes the cage while Savage pins Flair (after Flair's been down and out for about 40 seconds already).

Fully deserving of its bad reputation. A match that confused me as much as it bored me. Action was completely rudimentary, the structure made no sense, the rules made no sense, why were they outside the cage in the first place, the two actors were horrible, just... Fuck.

 

[Chris]

The way they didn't even follow their own rules lmao