Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #33
D-Generation X vs. The Brothers of Destruction
WWE Crown Jewel - November 2, 2018​

With Crown Jewel 2023 coming up, though I might as well take a look at a Saudi show. And then I noticed it's 5 years since this absolutely LEGENDARY match. 5 years ago today, Crown Jewel was taking place from beautiful, progressive [REDACTED], and highlights included Lesnar vs. Strowman, a tournament to determine the Best in the World (won by a non-wrestler who wasn't even in the tournament)... and this. A big one-last-time old man match, featuring a man who formally retired eight years before, and three men who should have done the same. They had a big, boring slog of a match between HHH and Taker in Australia previously, just to build to this. Is it as bad as we all remember it being, five years later? Let's find out, shall we?

God, in the entrances it's sad already, HHH and Shawn trying to do all their shtick when they're both about 50. Shawn's bald which is even worse. They don't even do the crotch chops because you know, Saudi. I remember hearing at one time that the Undertaker used to slow down his entrances if he knew the match would suck, just so people can enjoy some part of it for longer. Length of Taker's entrance in this match: 4 minutes, 56 seconds. Make of that what you will. And we follow that up with just under two minutes of staredowns and stalling... which gets a "this is awesome" chant. Maybe Taker's theory was right.

HHH and Kane starting off... oh wait, no, we get another minute of stalling, featuring HHH trying to goad Taker. HHH attempts a crotch chop but Kane smacks him before he can do it. Kane's moving early on like he can't really bend his knees. I wouldn't be surprised. In comes Shawn, who hits a neckbreaker... They've both already exceeded my expectations by taking a back bump. Shawn tries a sunset flip on a larger man (sad to see even veterans never learn from that mistake). Sweet Chin Music teased, Kane steps backwards, and another staredown until Kane tags in Taker. WrestleMania 25 this is not.

Shawn doesn't want to do this, Taker does the throat taunt, Shawn actually manages a crotch chop (in Saudi), then tries some offense but gets bowled over by a big boot. A lengthy period of arm work, then Taker goes to the ropes for Old School but HHH stops him. No tags for a bit as everyone's in the ring, Shawn's in a Tree of Woe, and Taker tosses HHH over him and on to the floor. This is the spot where HHH tears his pec, and it's very obvious. Taker has the decency to toss Shawn over the top rope so he can hear HHH tell him about the injury. They talk for about a minute after that. In the next spot, where DX are going for stereo chops, HHH is clearly not leaning into his. He's absent for a bit of the action, which allows Taker to lay into Shawn with Old School and a cornered choke (and he actually threatens the referee for delivering a five-count. Not all bad, then).

Taker misses a big boot and Shawn tags in the visibly one-armed HHH. It just leaves him to be the victim of a heat segment, with Taker and Kane beating down on him in the corner, avoiding his right arm all the way. HHH does recover a bit, but he tries a right-arm shot once, and never again. He hits a DDT but it obviously wrecks him due to landing on the right side. Shawn's back in, mercifully. Double down... SHAWN KIPS UP! Now that's a sight I didn't think I'd see. My assessment of Kane's inability to bend his knees seems to be correct, as Shawn hits inverted atomic drops that so clearly don't connect. "You still got it" chants for DX just barely pulling off a double suplex. Shawn hits his elbow drop, both of DX do the stomps for Sweet Chin Music, but Kane blocks it and hits a chokeslam.

Taker in now, hits Shawn with Snake Eyes, a big boot, and a leg drop for two. He knocks HHH off the corner before eating Sweet Chin Music! Double down, and of course Taker sits up. He brings Shawn out to the Arabic announce table (I'm sad that the pandemic has killed the tradition of non-English announce tables to break). Taker teases a Tombstone but HHH makes the one-armed save. Taker and HHH do a weird spot where HHH is getting whipped into the barricade but Taker is the one that bumps. HHH runs right into a chokeslam from Kane into the English announce table, with monitors still intact.

Taker hits the guillotine leg drop on Shawn, then goes to obviously call the next spot with HHH (commentary plays it up as some sort of mind games). Another extended heat segment with Shawn as the victim while HHH lies hurt on the outside. A lot of the time, when Taker's tagged in, he just grinds his arm into Shawn's face... Kane gives Shawn a side slam, then goes to the top rope but Shawn crotches him. Taker drags Shawn out but Shawn pushes him into the post. Back in the ring, Kane gets Shawn in the corner, where Shawn hits him so hard his mask goes flying off. For some reason, Kane acts like he's a luchador protecting his identity even though we've seen his face hundreds of times. Shawn goes for a moonsault to the outside but misses by a mile. Misses so hard he busts his face open.

Shawn tags in the still one-armed HHH, who beats on Kane and gives a spinebuster to Taker. After a series of finisher teases by both men, HHH hits the Pedigree in a way that's only a little less embarrassing than when Eddy Steinblock did it. Kane (by now masked again) gets wiped out of the ring but Taker goes for the Hell's Gate! HBK comes in to break it up, Kane tries a chokeslam, Sweet Chin Music breaks up the submission! This is a spot that would have been cool in 1998. Maybe 2008. Definitely not 2018. Four downed men, then the Brothers sit up. Teased double Tombstone, Shawn gets out with an eye rake, superkicks to both men, then a Pedigree on Kane to finish what was a long, dull match.

You can hide it behind spectacle and smoke-and-mirrors as much as you want, but the fact remains that this is a display of four men who are too old for this shit. I'm not sure it would have even been better if HHH hadn't gotten injured. It is true what they say, though, that Shawn Michaels was by far the best worker in this match.

 

[Chris]

My favorite part was when Kane got his wig snatched

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #34
Disco Inferno vs. Vampiro
WCW Monday Nitro - October 18. 1999​

This is a follow-on from the Dynamite vs. Nitro thread where I noted that quite a few of WCW matches on that show looked bad in theory as well as in practice. Let's have a look at them! And the benefit of Vince Russo's booking is that they're short so I can get some knocked off in a row. We're not starting with Juvi vs. Karagias, which was apparently decent before Bret decided we didn't get a cruiserweight match, but with the second match of the night, and two Russo favourites clashing!

After Vampiro and Disco make their entrance, Lash LeRoux comes out (to what is probably a dubbed Network theme) and distracts Disco long enough for him to get kicked in the back of the head. Also, Lash is wearing a shirt that says "Nowhere is safe". It's said that 90's kids still fear that some time, when they least expect it, a man from New Orleans will appear and have a mediocre match in front of them. Vampiro is, logically, targeting the head and neck, but we miss about 15 seconds of his heat because of a shot of Lash and his annoying voice on commentary. Vampiro goes up top, nobody home, and Disco hits a quick Chartbuster for... the three count? What the hell was that? Post-match Lash comes out, attacks Disco, and hits Whiplash.

I mean, what can you say? Disco hit one move, and it was the finish. That could not have lasted a minute. Welcome to Russo's Nitro, everyone.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #35
Meng vs. Hugh Morrus
WCW Monday Nitro - October 18. 1999​

Skipping over a seemingly decent but illogically-booked Harlem Heat vs. Filthy Animalz tag title match, there's a celebratory interview which is interrupted by Jimmy Hart and the worst incarnation of his First Family. They're getting their shot at Halloween Havoc, no matter who the reigning champs are, and now Hugh Morrus goes out for his scheduled match tonight. Against Meng. Let's see how well that works for ya, Hugh.

Feeling out process, Morrus throwing out strikes and going for an ineffective headbutt. I guess it's all Pacific Islanders you can't headbutt, not just Samoans. Morrus stops a Meng advance by poking the eyes, then goes for a spinning kick which Meng no-sells completely. They take turns with chops (every one of which the crowd woos) before Morrus powders out. They briefly try a bare-knuckle boxing match but Meng dominates that too. Did Meng ever work in the shoot style feds? No? Why not? The crowd stops caring what's happening in the ring because Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are coming out from the crowd. This somehow allows Morrus to recover, hit a slam and two diving elbow. Jimmy Hart has to remind Morrus to pin, but behind his back, Meng gets up, gets the Tongan Death Grip, and kills him.

What a weird, pointless squash. There weren't any obvious botches but... Hugh Morrus has a title shot on Sunday. Why not only murder him via Meng, but make him look like a moron? What's the point?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #36
Berlyn vs. Rick Steiner
WCW Monday Nitro - October 18. 1999​

Next match on the card is an interesting one. The Berlyn gimmick has to be one of my least favourite of this era. They could have brought out a more edgy side of Alex Wright, just replace the dancing with trenchcoats, pounding German dark techno, and maybe some sort of submission finish. But no, give him a stupid haircut, an evil German gimmick that went out of style in the 70's, and throw a green Power Plant grad as his bodyguard called THE WALL. This is a weird sorta heel vs. heel match against Rick Steiner. Let's go.

Wow, either Alex Wright is taller than I remember or Rick is shorter than I remember. They kick off by brawling, Berlyn gets the early advantage, but Rick levels him with a clothesline. Crowd seems to be behind Rick on this one, lots of dog barking when he's on the offensive. He smashes Berlyn into the buckle torso-first, then clotheslines him out. Brad Armstrong comes out to fight Berlyn, and Rick Steiner grabs Armstrong instead of letting it happen... Oh, so he's definitely a babyface now. Because babyfaces are stupid. The Wall gets a chair, goes for Armstrong but hits Rick instead, Berlyn gets the fluke win. The fuck? Rick goes off to murder Armstrong for losing him the match, despite it being his own fault.

Booking was sliiiiightly less stupid than Vampiro/Disco but it's the same principle. Guy gets murdered for about a minute and then gets a flukey win. Why? Russo. That's why.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #37
David Flair vs. Billy Kidman
WCW Monday Nitro - October 18. 1999​

Next match on this card and... oh no. If you talk about the worst of WCW in 1999, David Flair has to be right up there. The unreasonably-pushed son of Ric Flair had none of his father's ability in any aspect, and yet he was kept strong. Nepotism for all! But this is a new booking regime, so maybe things change. He's up against Kidman. Let's have a look...

David comes out in his dad's robe to his dad's music. Ugh. David charges right at Kidman, who starts beating the shit out of him right away without even letting him take his robe off! David slides out of the ring, but when he's back, the rest doesn't help as he falls victim to Kidman's slingshot leg drop. David gets a moment of offence but it consists of a slow, weak-looking corner splash, a suplex, and a rolling headlock pin for two. Kidman comes right back and gets two of his own with a slingshot leg drop. David hits a DDT but can't get the pin because Torrie's distracting him by revealing lingerie. He tries to cover her up, but falls victim to a BK Bomb (selling it absolutely horribly) and Shooting Star Press for the pin. The Filthy Animalz beat down David post-match.

Typically bad David Flair match. At least the competent one controlled most of it.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #38
Madusa vs. Mona
New York Evening Gown Match
WCW Monday Nitro - October 18. 1999​

Seriously, Vince Russo? You've been in here five minutes, and you've already booked a strip match. Not only that, but a strip match between women who have a vague idea of what wrestling is and thus would hate every minute of this. They built this up all show, actually. Madusa made it clear throughout that she hated the idea. But, stripping we must have, so stripping there is. Let's get this over with.

Mona (Molly Holly) looks so wrong as a blonde, I can't reconcile this with her post-2002 look. Madusa comes out in a shorter dress, and clearly this isn't in the spirit of things. Madusa shoves Mona and Mona tees off, hitting a suplex and a crossbody which Madusa rolls through. Madusa gets a suplex of her own, and then hits a Jeff Hardy-style double leg drop (does that have a name?). Madusa's strikes are apparently not just for Mona, but the "entire creative team", because EVERYTHING has to be worked-shoot in Russoland. Madusa's roundhouse kick bumps the ref because of COURSE it does. She then goes for a bridging German, as if this bastard of a match has pinfalls (you've got to wait until 2000 for that). Madusa hits Mona with a chair, then goes to berate the commentary team, but Mona comes out and strips her. That's the win, I guess, but it's not clear because the ref is too gazed even to ring the bell. Madusa grabs a mic and shoots on creative. Ugh.

You know the sad thing? These two can actually wrestle. But instead, we get 2-minute nonsense. Let them do actual moves! What the fuck is wrong with you?

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #39
Buff Bagwell vs. La Parka
WCW Monday Nitro - October 18. 1999​

Skipping past an actually-good Sting vs. Bret Hart match (this is the only thread where that happens) we move on to the entire reason I'm going through NINE different matches from a single Nitro. This is also a return to the bad matches list for one Marcus Alexander Bagwell. We'll be seeing him again and again later. This is apparently following a match on Thunder where Bagwell and Parka teamed together but Bagwell attacked his own partner.

Bagwell's entrance throws me off. He's not strutting or swaggering, he's just walking in boredom. He's generally acting like he wants to be anywhere other than here for this contest, demanding Parka get a move on multiple times and displaying a face like a slapped arse. There's arm work, a headlock, a hip toss.. all of this is rudimentary. It could easily be anyone in that ring right now. Parka attempts a running Thesz Press into the corner but Bagwell walks away. This isn't cool like when Samoa Joe does it, it's just lame. A drop toe hold puts Parka into the buckle and Bagwell starts pounding away. He then does a fake version of his usual taunt... and beckons Parka over. Parka kicks him in the back of the head, and wins! What?

Everyone in the back is celebrating and applauding Bagwell for losing. And Bagwell grabs a headset, asks Russo if he did a good job, and asks if anyone else can beat him. Commentary is bewildered, Parka is celebrating, and then Jeff Jarrett returns to guitar shot Bagwell.

Rubbish. Total rubbish. Dumb worked shoot stuff has go away heat with me. And if I do another Russo show, there'll be more where that came from.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #40
Norman Smiley vs. Horace Hogan
Hardcore Match
WCW Monday Nitro - October 18. 1999​

Our last skipped match of this show was a decent elimination match between Eddie Guerrero, Chavo, and Perry Saturn, and now we get to... Horace Hogan. Sounds about right. The worst wrestler ever to get a 5-star match is up against Norman Smiley, in the beginning of WCW's Hardcore division. And this is the Norman Smiley gimmick where he hates hardcore and is accidentally good at it despite screaming and crying the whole way through. Great for comedy, not so great for actual quality matches.

Horace begins the brawl mid-entrance. Smiley runs away screaming from a raised garbage can, which doesn't stop Horace hitting him with it. Back in the ring, Horace beats down on Smiley before bringing back the garbage can, but Smiley kicks it into his face. Horace then trips Smiley into the can and grabs a chair while his opponent cowers on the outside. Horace gives a few chair shots and tries to whip Smiley into the steps, but gets reversed. Smiley does a rather lewd dance on the steps but Horace gives him an uppercut to the nuts. Horace is in control after a steel step shot, and gets a superplex back in the ring for two. Horace props a table in the corner. Smiley dodges first a chair shot which ricochets off the ropes, and then Horace's charge, so Horace puts himself through the table. Smiley gets the three-count!

Kind of generic hardcore mixed with Norman Smiley comedy. Though it kind of fits the pattern of flukey wins, it's an absolute revelation compared to the rest of the matches on this Nitro.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #41
Goldberg vs. The Total Package
WCW Monday Nitro - October 18. 1999​

Your main event tonight is not Sting vs. Bret, it's Goldberg vs. Luger. Can't say I'm too hopeful, neither is a ring general. At least it can't completely suck balls, right?

Goldberg jumps Luger mid-entrance and they're punching away. Goldberg dominates the early walk-and-brawl. Once they've gotten back in the ring, Luger tries to get some edge with axe handles and... back slaps? However, when he hits a suplex, Goldberg gets right up! He's dominating Luger with big old punches, kicks, and clotheslines. Goldberg nails a butterfly suplex but misses a spear and lands right in the corner. Luger hits a running (well, briskly walking) clothesline. I'm honestly distracted by how Luger looks. He's more steroid than man by this point. A falling elbow drop by Luger gets two. He takes Goldberg on a tour of the corners for a while before Goldberg comes back with a running shoulderblock.

Luger whips Goldberg to bump the referee because, well, obviously. The Outsiders show up, stoned out of their minds on cough syrup. Goldberg pushes Luger into the ring post, but Sting comes out to hit Goldberg with his bat. Bret Hart comes out to neutralise Sting. It's at this point I notice a couple of fans threw their drinks cups into the ring. Bret gives Sting a sharpshooter, Luger attacks him, gives Bret the Torture Rack. Goldberg comes in, spear, Jackhammer, win.

Well no, that didn't completely suck balls, but it wasn't much to write home about and devolved into an overbooked clusterfuck at the end. Thankfully this Nitro is over now.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #42
Hiroshi Wajima vs. Tom Magee
AJPW Champion Carnival - April 22, 1988​

Ah yes, Tom Magee. A graduate of the Hart Dungeon, allegedly, who had a WWF tryout match that Bret Hart carried so hard that Vince McMahon thought he'd seen the second coming of Jesus Christ in wrestling form. However, he turned out to be awful. How awful? This is a demonstration of him at his worst.

Magee's straight out of the gate, lightly chopping Wajima (come on, it's All Japan, you can't be chopping like that). He nudges Wajima out of the ring, before going over the rope really cleanly himself, and brawls with him out the outside, delivering some really poor forearms. He then does a few flips and flexes in the ring alone, demonstrating the only two things that he could actually do. To be fair, his kicks aren't horrible, and he has enough athleticism that he can really pull off a jumping leg drop. What he can't pull off is a belly-to-belly suplex. I found this gif of it.

Pathetic. Back in the corner, he starts laying in weak chops and forearms until Wajima fights back. He kicks a leg before laying on a Boston Crab until Magee taps.

Exactly what I'd expect from Tom Magee. Can do athletic stuff but can't wrestle for shit. Wajima's no ring general himself, and close to retirement after just 3 years of in-ring, but Magee's on another level.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #43
Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Tetsuya Naito
for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship
NJPW Wrestle Kingdom V - January 4, 2011​

And now we're going to do something interesting - watch a match I've already watched for another thread. I included the TNA matches at Wrestle Kingdom V in my rewatch of the TNA 2010-12 era (which I will continue eventually) because they're a bit of foreshadowing of something that happens a couple of months later at Victory Road. That being, obviously, Jeff Hardy getting stoned pre-match and not even trying to hide it. Let's see what goes wrong.

Somewhat off-topic - ever noticed that when Hardy does a lockup, he always briefly goes to one knee? It's a bad start already as Hardy's stumbling while in a wristlock. Naito's doing 90% of the work for the opening exchanges; the phrase "wrestling a broomstick" comes to mind. Hardy is gassed 90 seconds in. First major botch sees Hardy try a leapfrog spot but instead clip Naito and fall over. He then rolls into the spot he was seemingly supposed to be in had he not fucked it up, as if he wants Naito to go for a pin. Naito just rolls him out again. Naito hits a running Swanton, which is honestly pretty impressive. This goes pretty close to getting the three this early, because Hardy's so sluggish in kicking out. Hardy then remembers he's left his phone in his pocket, pulls it out, and slides it away. I'm not making this up.

Hardy looks like a walking corpse, barely able to stand. And I don't even think that's selling. He gets Naito on the top rope and goes for a superplex, but he can't push off the corner properly and just lands on his neck. He does a slow, woozy version of his humping dance, then flops onto Naito for two. Heel Hardy does what he does for most of this run and applies headlocks, until Naito fights out and gets a sunset flip for two. Hardy does a weird variant of his double leg drop where it's a reverse jackknife pin. He then tosses Naito out so he can do a dive from the apron, but only seems to hurt himself. Hardy stretches out Naito with a knee in the back until Naito can get to the rope. God, this is dull when it's not botchy.

Naito recovers off an Irish whip and hits a neckbreaker, then a missile dropkick for two. He then corners Hardy, dodges a kick, and hits a rope hung neckbreaker... but once again, Hardy's timing is off and he lands slowly and awkwardly. At least Hardy's sell of a Frankensteiner is decent, but it doesn't finish the match. Naito goes for the Stardust Press but Hardy rolls away. Hardy teases a Twist of Fate, but Naito counters into a backslide for two. Hardy's in the corner and Naito charges him, but Hardy blocks and hits Whisper in the Wind. Though "hits" is generous, as it seems to miss completely. Badly-timed Twist of Fate, Swanton Bomb, yep, that's it, Hardy retains.

Not a good match, obviously. Naito's sort of trying to carry but he's in the "talented but boring" phase of his career and Hardy is a druggy mess. How were TNA not warned by this display?

 

[Rosie]

Entry #43
Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Tetsuya Naito
for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship
NJPW Wrestle Kingdom V - January 4, 2011​

And now we're going to do something interesting - watch a match I've already watched for another thread. I included the TNA matches at Wrestle Kingdom V in my rewatch of the TNA 2010-12 era (which I will continue eventually) because they're a bit of foreshadowing of something that happens a couple of months later at Victory Road. That being, obviously, Jeff Hardy getting stoned pre-match and not even trying to hide it. Let's see what goes wrong.

Somewhat off-topic - ever noticed that when Hardy does a lockup, he always briefly goes to one knee? It's a bad start already as Hardy's stumbling while in a wristlock. Naito's doing 90% of the work for the opening exchanges; the phrase "wrestling a broomstick" comes to mind. Hardy is gassed 90 seconds in. First major botch sees Hardy try a leapfrog spot but instead clip Naito and fall over. He then rolls into the spot he was seemingly supposed to be in had he not fucked it up, as if he wants Naito to go for a pin. Naito just rolls him out again. Naito hits a running Swanton, which is honestly pretty impressive. This goes pretty close to getting the three this early, because Hardy's so sluggish in kicking out. Hardy then remembers he's left his phone in his pocket, pulls it out, and slides it away. I'm not making this up.

Hardy looks like a walking corpse, barely able to stand. And I don't even think that's selling. He gets Naito on the top rope and goes for a superplex, but he can't push off the corner properly and just lands on his neck. He does a slow, woozy version of his humping dance, then flops onto Naito for two. Heel Hardy does what he does for most of this run and applies headlocks, until Naito fights out and gets a sunset flip for two. Hardy does a weird variant of his double leg drop where it's a reverse jackknife pin. He then tosses Naito out so he can do a dive from the apron, but only seems to hurt himself. Hardy stretches out Naito with a knee in the back until Naito can get to the rope. God, this is dull when it's not botchy.

Naito recovers off an Irish whip and hits a neckbreaker, then a missile dropkick for two. He then corners Hardy, dodges a kick, and hits a rope hung neckbreaker... but once again, Hardy's timing is off and he lands slowly and awkwardly. At least Hardy's sell of a Frankensteiner is decent, but it doesn't finish the match. Naito goes for the Stardust Press but Hardy rolls away. Hardy teases a Twist of Fate, but Naito counters into a backslide for two. Hardy's in the corner and Naito charges him, but Hardy blocks and hits Whisper in the Wind. Though "hits" is generous, as it seems to miss completely. Badly-timed Twist of Fate, Swanton Bomb, yep, that's it, Hardy retains.

Not a good match, obviously. Naito's sort of trying to carry but he's in the "talented but boring" phase of his career and Hardy is a druggy mess. How were TNA not warned by this display?

I remember this match, just so disappointed. I wasn't even familiar with NJPW then, I thought "Oh cool, Jeff's defending his belt in Japan. This Naito guy seems alright" but it was sloppy, and I was like 12 or 13 then. Crazy thing is thay in an alternate reality, a refined Naito vs Jeff Hardy sober but not as beat up as he is now, a genuine dream match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #44
Ryuma Go vs. The Mummy
Falls Count Anywhere Egyptian Deathmatch
UPW International Wrestling Again - October 16, 1994​

This is for @Emb , who keeps sending me Japanese matches. It's not one of those matches, but it's something that might appeal... Japanese indie sleaze! This is one of those weird promotions you only ever hear about when you're doing TEW research: a minor Japanese indie run by Kazuhiko Matsuzaki and Poison Sawada. If the name Union Pro sounds familiar to you, it's also the name of a DDT sub-brand that was run by Sawada in the 2000s and 2010s. From the looks of these results, this promotion also had mysterious monster characters. Not only was there a Mummy, there was also an allied Black Mummy. It's not exactly known who the Mummies were, but they had quite a few matches. And one of them's facing the original Japanese King of the Indies, Ryuma Go. And it's an Egyptian Deathmatch, whatever that means! Let's get right into it!

Right from the start, the Mummies are playing dirty, as Black Mummy and his red-faced friend soften up Go outside the ring before the original Mummy comes out to meet him. And we get the classic hallmark of a bad falls-count-anywhere match... two guys walking to the next spot. Mummy and Co. bring Go to an outdoor area, stick some sort of chain around his neck and beat him down. Then they bring him right back to ringside so Mummy can bash his head off things. Mummy chokes Go with the chain for a bit before hitting him with it, and Go's busted open. Mummy then slowly escorts Go elsewhere in the arena, but Go starts fighting back, headbutting the Mummy and choking him in turn with the chain. The camera work, which often consists of shots of walking wrestlers' backs, gives this match an interesting feel. Very Blair Witch, and I mean that in a negative way.

Go takes the Mummy through another door and through some hallways, but makes no attempt to hurt his opponent before he gets back to ringside. He then picks up a chair and delivers some slow, theatrical chair shots. They're back in the ring, and Go hits a pumphandle suplex for two. He nails a back suplex and locks in a single leg crab, but here comes Black Mummy with some powder. The Mummy chases Go to the outside as he rolls away, but goes completely in the wrong direction before coming in with a forearm. He chokes Go with a chair, but Go comes back and they start walk-and-brawling again. Mummy's wig is falling off.

Go grabs a fire extinguisher, but only uses it once before deciding to walk Mummy some more, which is a mistake because it allows the Mummy to come back and knock Go down. Back in the ring and a Mummy back suplex gets two. He goes for another but Go counters into a hammerlock. Black Mummy has to come in again to break it up. Mummy is now holding the chain and a length of rope, and bashes Go with both. Go rallies, gets a back suplex, a DDT, two lariats, then goes for a choke. Black Mummy pops up but Go wipes him out, then hits a third lariat where Mummy falls too late so they just clatter into each other. One neckbreaker and rear naked choke later, and the Mummy is finished.

Mostly featureless and silly-looking walk and brawl. Really not that deathy for an Egyptian Deathmatch, and not that Egyptian either.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #45
Ryuma Go vs. Black Mummy
Falls Count Anywhere Egyptian Deathmatch
UPW Big Winter Series - December 25, 1994​

I found another match between Ryuma Go and a mummy from the same year and I thought, fuck it, why not? Let's see if the Black Mummy is any better than his white counterpart.

Black Mummy attacks Go with a chair while he's doing his introduction posing, and then initiates the walk-and-brawl again! This time, it's to the wall of whatever gym hall this is in, which takes so long that I have no idea how Go couldn't just break off from it. Black Mummy then takes a chain and starts to choke Go and... wait, is this just the same match? They walk and brawl to some tables, Go fights back somehow (I don't know how, the camera completely misses it) and starts dragging Black Mummy by the chain from one end of the gym to another. Not gonna lie, that's a pretty fun spot. Back in the ring, Go gives Black Mummy some Sheamus-style chest clubs but gets hit by the chain.

More chain-choking, more stomping, and now Black Money drags Go out for another walk and brawl. Go picks up a chair and starts using it, but his opponent doesn't sell it too much except to walk away some more. More face-bashing, then the brawl goes out to the hallways outside the gym. There Go grabs a basin and starts using that as a weapon. He takes Black Mummy on a long run again, and this time it's to the ring post. Back in the ring, Go applies a headlock but is countered by Black Mummy using the chain. Black Mummy's offence consists of four elbows to the back of the head, then choking again. Go blocks a chain shot, hits a back suplex and a lariatoooo for 2... then a lariat followed by a back suplex for another 2... this guy doesn't have much varied offense, does he? A third lariat, a single leg crab, and Black Mummy is done.

Honestly about the same as the first one. I don't know if the fact that there's less of it is a positive or a negative.