Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

(edit: changed my mind)

 

[Sky]

Entry #55
"Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan vs. Tony Williams
USWA TV - October 26, 1996​

This thread needs lightening up, let's talk about a paedophile! Oh wait

An extreme oddity in late, late stage, moribund USWA is "Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan. Known on the Kentucky indie scene as Tower of Doom, he was brought in to further a program that Randy Hales, a member of the USWA staff, was totally EVIL now and he was bringing his own stable in to beat the babyfaces (those babyfaces being Brian Christopher and whoever else showed up that week). This was one of them, who was supposedly a fusion of four different stars of the 1980s. Of course, one promo from him would tell you he was barely even Macho and only a tiny bit of Hogan, and his physique more recalled late-career Dusty Rhodes. He toured the indies, Puerto Rico and Japan, and even became the first ever IWA Mid-South Heavyweight Champ, until his career was ended by his 2002 arrest for buying sexual pictures of children. There's a few videos online of his matches, and he's not good apparently. Let's see how not good.

(Side note: I did a lot of research just to find out what date this match even was. Don't say I don't put in the work for you.)

Tony Williams is literally half MWRH's size. MWRH does the Ric Flair chops, but misses a charge in the corner and gets dropkicked. Williams tries to sunset flip a man larger than him (most common wrestling mistake) but at least slips away before MWRH can sit on him. He consults with Randy Hales, misses a clothesline, hits a second one, while the commentators make fat jokes. MWRH does some stomps that don't hit. He looks to be teasing a crossbody, but can't close the distance so he just does an axe handle instead. He does a big boot then a fat guy version of the Ric Flair strut (please don't remind me). A powerslam and leg drop (that would hurt, having 400 pounds drop on your face) should finish the match, but MWRH lifts Williams up, so sadly there is more of this.

MWRH does the Warrior rope shake, which is the first Warrior-like thing he's done. He misses a backsplash in the corner and eats a few kicks from Williams. He then does the Warrior shake again, no-selling Williams throughout, and decks him with a punch. He goes for a choke in the corner, ignores the referee's count, and knocks the referee over to take a DQ loss.

Brian Christopher comes out to make the save, and Hales challenges Christopher to wrestle this loser on the next live show. This turns out to happen (despite Christopher already having a title match) and that's how "Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan becomes the USWA Heavyweight Champion. (Note: this wasn't the top championship at the time. You can rest easy knowing that USWA didn't have this guy on the top.)

So yeah, the match was lame. A squash that didn't even make the squasher look that good.

 

[Sky]

Entry #56
"Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan/Crusher Bones vs. Flash Flanagan/TD Steele
USWA TV - November 2, 1996​

The second appearance of the Macho Warrior on USWA TV, and he's already got some gold. That's right, he won his match against Brian Christopher and now he's been strapped up (with a belt you'd need like 4 of to put around his waist). His tag team partner is a guy called Crusher Bones, whose son we have to thank for these matches being available online. Thanks, Crusher Bones' son. I get to torture myself.

Bones starts in with Steele. His main offensive efforts entail smashing Steele in the head again and again, then apparently fish-hooking him. Bones whips MWRH for a corner splash, after which he does the strut. He then does his shitty stomps (which Steele stells vaiiantly) and tags in Bones again, but gets his chops in before letting Bones attack. Commentary mostly doesn't care, they just talk about how MWRH is going to have a shot at USWA Unified champ, Colorado Kid. Jeez, they're strapping the rocket to this guy. Bones misses a corner splash and in comes Flash Flanagan for a hot tag. Two atomic drops and a clothesline get a one-count. Flanagan tags Steele back in and immediately Bones starts dominating again. In comes MWRH and the leg drop wins it.

Better than the first match, but that's because the Macho Warrior mostly wasn't in it.

 

[Rosie]

So, the Pedofile's in ring name is:

Two nicknames of the number 2 and 3 wrestlers in the Golden era WWF. Then the first and last name of the faces of WCW and the WWF.

State of your gimmick, dude, that's worse than when I saw in an e-fed someone signed up once with a character named "Austin Cole" with Adam Cole [real first name Austin] as the rep and "Paul the Giant" as his manager with Big Show as his rep. At least that was some idiot online (who's sign up was rejected), not someone who was given your company's Heavyweight Championship.

 

[Sky]

Entry #57
"Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan/Crusher Bones/Mike Samples vs. Steve Dunn/Flash Flanagan/Sean Venom
USWA TV - November 9, 1996​

Week 3/4 of the Macho Warrior's run, and he and Bones are teaming up with "world's most popular wrestler" Mike Samples, that name according to a territory that's largely lost to time, to take on Dunn of Well Dunn, Kobain of the New Church, and some Tennessee indy jobber named Sean Venom.

We start with Bones vs. Dunn, mostly basic stuff: rope-running, hip toss, while Samples grabs a commentary mic and insists that he will not lose to Sean Venom and enter the Snake Box in what is called the Snake Box Match. I wish that had been preserved, just for this thread. Dunn hits a spinebuster but MWRH breaks up the pin. In comes Flanagan, who's outclassing the taller Crusher Bones. We get a delightful bit of camera work, where we see Bones duck a running Flanagan... then cut to the Snake Box, where Samples is, and Flanagan nails him with a dive from seemingly out of nowhere! A sunset flip on Crusher gets two, and back into Dunn for a bit. For a guy called Crusher Bones, he's not doing too well.

Now it's Sean Venom vs. Mike Samples, which is apparently a feud? Lawler on commentary asks Samples to put Venom in the snake box. A task easier said than done, given he's currently being completely controlled by a man who is seemingly a jobber. Samples gets the edge when Venom whips and goes for a back body drop but Samples drags him down by the head. What, was a kick not original enough for you? He loudly calls "BIG ELBOW", hits a back elbow just as planned, then tags in the Macho Warrior. Commentary talks about how MWRH and Colorado Kid have another match, and it's title for title. MWRH's entire offence is a punch and a headbutt before Bones is back.

Randy Hales tries to come in, and the referee is distracted by both faces trying to stop him. Bones eats a spinning kick from Venom. Dunn comes in, hits all three men, and then the match descends into a trio of brawls. It's Bones/Dunn, Samples/Venom (around the Snake Box, naturally) and MWRH/Flanagan. The Snake Box is opened, and camera focuses more on Samples being terrified of the (dead-looking) snake inside than MWRH in the ring. The match ends in a no contest as the ref simply can't restore order.

Somewhat acceptable. Samples isn't a great wrestler, neither is MWRH obviously, but their slice of the action was diluted enough that I can consider this "meh".

 

[Sky]

Entry #58
"Macho Warrior" Ric Hogan/Crusher Bones vs. Steve Dunn/Flash Flanagan
USWA TV - November 16, 1996​

And we've come to the finale of the Macho Warrior's run! That's right, he only got 4 matches on TV. He also got 4 matches at USWA's arena shows, but they were all title matches. Won the USWA Heavyweight Title, challenged twice for the Unified Heavyweight Title, then dropped it to Brian Christopher after this show and fucked right off. The fact he was so often paired with the same people means that the "most matches in this thread" counter is going to look very weird for a while, with Flash Flanagan and Crusher Bones both on 3 matches now. Let's finish this off.

We start with MWRH vs. Flanagan. MWRH does the Warrior shake but Flanagan slips through his legs and trips him. He then does a springboard crossbody off the middle rope! (Flanagan, obviously.) MWRH trips Flanagan, tags in Bones, who takes a drop toe hold followed by a low dropkick by Dunn. Mike Samples is out to do some commentary, and there's going to be Snake Box shenanigans. The faces are tagging well until a kick from MWRH outside downs Flanagan. MWRH teases a Figure Four (come on, no way you know how to do that move) but is kicked off. In comes Bones again, who uses multiple falling headbutts. A referee distraction spot allows the heels to double-team a bit. Dunn gets the hot tag and beasts on Bones while Flanagan deals with MWRH. Ref is distracted so you'd think Dunn would be dominated by both men, but he decks both and pins Bones for the 3.

These Macho Warrior matches are better than I expected, mainly because he's less involved. This one was structurally quite weird but not awful.

 

[Sky]

Entry #59
Low Ki vs. Ahtu
EVOLVE 10: A Tribute to the Arena - January 14, 2012​

This entry's protagonist is noted piece of shit Low Ki! This was inspired by talking about him in the NWA-TNA live chats (there's a fertile ground for bad matches, holy shit). Probably one of the most infamous moments of his career is this match in EVOLVE in early 2012. He was a surprise opponent, making his debut... and this is how he started. Considering I've never heard of Ahtu, I can't imagine he was there to do anything other than take a pin, but... Let's watch.

Crowd is HOT for Low Ki instantly. He runs in with a wheel kick which doinks Ahtu right on the top of his head. And Ahtu stops moving. There's a bit of fun with Ahtu's manager running over and using his shirt to fan him down. Ahtu clearly is out cold, and yet the referee doesn't administer a 10 count, because that's not the finish. Low Ki doesn't ask the referee to administer a count, or even attempt a pin, because that's not the finish! What happened to improvising? What happened to the referee calling the match as if it's a shoot? Nah, Low Ki's got to get his shit in I guess. Low Ki mugs for the crowd while Ahtu gets up... and the crowd chants "One more time"??? He goes for a knee strike to the already concussed head (yikes) and a Warrior's Way stomp, because that's the finish.

Yeah, fuck that match. Fuck it to hell. A complete failure by everyone involved to try and consider the health of a participant. Fuck Low Ki. Fuck the incompetent referee. Fuck Sapolsky too.

 

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #59
Low Ki vs. Ahtu
EVOLVE 10: A Tribute to the Arena - January 14, 2012​

This entry's protagonist is noted piece of shit Low Ki! This was inspired by talking about him in the NWA-TNA live chats (there's a fertile ground for bad matches, holy shit). Probably one of the most infamous moments of his career is this match in EVOLVE in early 2012. He was a surprise opponent, making his debut... and this is how he started. Considering I've never heard of Ahtu, I can't imagine he was there to do anything other than take a pin, but... Let's watch.

Crowd is HOT for Low Ki instantly. He runs in with a wheel kick which doinks Ahtu right on the top of his head. And Ahtu stops moving. There's a bit of fun with Ahtu's manager running over and using his shirt to fan him down. Ahtu clearly is out cold, and yet the referee doesn't administer a 10 count, because that's not the finish. Low Ki doesn't ask the referee to administer a count, or even attempt a pin, because that's not the finish! What happened to improvising? What happened to the referee calling the match as if it's a shoot? Nah, Low Ki's got to get his shit in I guess. Low Ki mugs for the crowd while Ahtu gets up... and the crowd chants "One more time"??? He goes for a knee strike to the already concussed head (yikes) and a Warrior's Way stomp, because that's the finish.

Yeah, fuck that match. Fuck it to hell. A complete failure by everyone involved to try and consider the health of a participant. Fuck Low Ki. Fuck the incompetent referee. Fuck Sapolsky too.

what the fuck? We knew how dangerous concussions were in 2012 and they allowed Sneeze guy to keep working after he got KTFO'd? What the hell is wrong with all these people (except Sneezing dude Ahtu clearly we knew what was wrong with him he had no idea where he was or what he was doing)

 

[Rosie]

Entry #59
Low Ki vs. Ahtu
EVOLVE 10: A Tribute to the Arena - January 14, 2012​

This entry's protagonist is noted piece of shit Low Ki! This was inspired by talking about him in the NWA-TNA live chats (there's a fertile ground for bad matches, holy shit). Probably one of the most infamous moments of his career is this match in EVOLVE in early 2012. He was a surprise opponent, making his debut... and this is how he started. Considering I've never heard of Ahtu, I can't imagine he was there to do anything other than take a pin, but... Let's watch.

Crowd is HOT for Low Ki instantly. He runs in with a wheel kick which doinks Ahtu right on the top of his head. And Ahtu stops moving. There's a bit of fun with Ahtu's manager running over and using his shirt to fan him down. Ahtu clearly is out cold, and yet the referee doesn't administer a 10 count, because that's not the finish. Low Ki doesn't ask the referee to administer a count, or even attempt a pin, because that's not the finish! What happened to improvising? What happened to the referee calling the match as if it's a shoot? Nah, Low Ki's got to get his shit in I guess. Low Ki mugs for the crowd while Ahtu gets up... and the crowd chants "One more time"??? He goes for a knee strike to the already concussed head (yikes) and a Warrior's Way stomp, because that's the finish.

Yeah, fuck that match. Fuck it to hell. A complete failure by everyone involved to try and consider the health of a participant. Fuck Low Ki. Fuck the incompetent referee. Fuck Sapolsky too.

Low Ki, talented wrestler, but his two issues which have always held him back majorly have been:

1. He's a stiff as fuck wrestler to the point of danger at times.
2. He's an asshole.

 

[Bobby Barrows]

Gabe Sapolsky was such a fucking loser too, you have to figure he wouldn't stop the match on anyone's dime.

 

[Sky]

Entry #60
Team Total Divas (Nikki Bella/Brie Bella/Natalya/Naomi/Cameron/Eva Marie/JoJo) vs. Team True Divas (AJ Lee/Kaitlyn/Alicia Fox/Tamina/Rosa Mendes/Aksana/Summer Rae)
Traditional Survivor Series Match
WWE Survivor Series - November 24, 2013​

'Tis the season of the Survivor Series! And the Thanksgiving tradition is surely going to bear much fruit for this thread, because historically, Survivor Series shows have produced a lot of garbage. Not just the traditional matches, of course, as the show from 10 years ago also had such highlights as Mark Henry squashing Ryback, and Big Show stealing the YES chants for a boring match against Randy Orton, in a match created by Vince to prove Daniel Bryan wasn't over. But only one could be WON's Worst Match of the Year, and it's this. A match between the Divas who were in Total Divas and the Divas who weren't. The "True Divas" were marketed as the serious wrestlers of the bunch, but for me there's more competent wrestlers on the Total Divas team (Nikki, Natalya, and Naomi) than the other (AJ and Alicia Fox). Why's the only 7-on-7 Survivor Series match in history so hated? Let's find out!

Oh yeah, because the Total Divas team also featured two women whose total televised matches so far were 3 (Eva Marie) and 1 (JoJo). Some people have Total Divas signs, what the fuck is wrong with them? Fox vs. Naomi to kick things off. Fox uses her power to dominate Naomi, hitting her really clean tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. They go to the top rope, Naomi knocks Fox down, hits a split-legged moonsault for... three? That could not have been a minute and Fox is already out? What? Rosa Mendes in, dodges the She-Calls-It-The-Rear-View but eats a forearm. Naomi tags in Cameron and we get a Funkadactyls double suplex and a double split leg drop for two. (At least Rosa was on her back.) Rosa trips Cameron into the corner (which is apparently called Pelig-Rosa, as if that's an actual finish), and just like that, Cameron's eliminated. Huh? Nikki Bella in, hits a badly-timed Pedigree, and Rosa's gone too?

Summer Rae in now, and shows Nikki some of the dance moves she's learned from Fandango. Nikki responds by doing the Worm. Summer goes for a second round to initiate a dance-off, but she eats a basement dropkick for the pin out of nowhere. In comes Eva Marie, who is fairly loudly booed, as she was booked as a heel. On a reality show. "You can't wrestle" chants as Eva Marie faces Kaitlyn, but that suddenly is no longer a problem as Kaitlyn cleans her up with a kneeling gutbuster. Next is Naomi, who gets to show off some athletic moves. Makes me think, if an athlete of her calibre had gotten the quality of training that's available in WWE in 2023, we'd probably see an absolute world-class wrestler today. She'd probably progress like say, Tiffany Stratton has been. But no, she gets gutbustered and eliminated too. It's been less than five minutes and we've already had six eliminations. How'd that happen?

Brie comes in, trying to go Brie Mode on Kaitlyn, but is instead slow and awkward. Her timing is way off, but she downs Kaitlyn with a simple missile dropkick. She's about to beat down Aksana too before AJ kicks her in the back, and then Aksana eliminates her with a spinebuster. But then Nikki comes in and eliminates Aksana with a bulldog and Rack Attack. Tamina's in to deliver a few pretty weak-looking headbutts. As a heat segment (oh wow, an actual heat segment after 9 eliminations in under 7 minutes) by Tamina on Nikki begins, a "we want JoJo" chant starts, possibly sarcastically. Nikki hits Tamina with an enzuigiri and (reluctantly, with a lot of waiting) tags in JoJo.

It's all Tamina until JoJo gets a kick out of the corner. She then makes the rookie mistake of going for a crossbody on a powerhouse. Tamina goes for a fireman's carry, but JoJo rolls through and rolls up for a two-count! Tamina then hits her half-Samoan half-Fijian Drop before tagging in AJ for the easiest pin of her life. We're teased with some actual passable wrestling with AJ/Natalya, but no, AJ tags in Tamina again. Tamina hits a cornered hip attack, which is the opposite of something I'd associate with her. She goes for the Superfly Splash but misses and Natalya locks in the Sharpshooter for the submission. And of course Michael Cole makes a Montreal Screwjob reference because nothing matters except what happened in the late 90s.

Finally, it's Natalya/AJ, but they wrestle for about two seconds until Tamina tries to interfere, Nikki pops up and boots her, and Natalya rolls through for another Sharpshooter which gets the win.

Yeah, that was lame. The rookies were, I'd say, adequately protected, but that's because of the major negative aspect of this match. It was so rushed. Just a conveyor belt of one elimination after another - here's a Diva, she's gone now. This gained nothing from being 7-on-7. It just made the entire women's division feel pointless. Where's Stephanie McMahon to invent women when you need her, eh?

 

[Skyefire]

Entry #48
Nailz vs. El Gigante
NJPW G1 Climax Day 1 - August 3, 1994​

Last night I was reminded this match happened. Tonight I'm reviewing it. Two of the most genuinely awful wrestlers in WWF history at that time competed in NJPW. This is an exhibition match held on Day 1 of that year's G1 Climax (thankfully, they weren't in the G1, I dread the very thought). Let's go!

Holy shit, El Gigante looks even more of a giant in Japan. At a shoot 7 foot 7, he's 3 heads taller than the average person. The ref (the great Tiger Hattori) seriously struggles to do the customary body search.

They start with forearms, with Nailz's looking worse (and that's even discounting the fact that Gigante sells none of them). Nailz gets eye rakes and a really silly-looking corner choke. Gigante at one point goes for a deadly DOUBLE NERVE HOLD. Nailz walks Gigante over to the ropes and tries to smash his face in them (yes, the ropes, not the corner). Naturally this doesn't work and Gigante starts gently holding Nailz's neck. Back to bad forearms, then back to nerve holds vs. eye rakes. Gigante blocks Nailz's attempt to whip him out of the corner and slowly... slowly... walks towards him to grab him and set up a weak-looking clothesline. A brain claw is what finishes it in Gigante's favour.

What did you expect on seeing that lineup of wrestlers? That was four minutes of a pathetic attempt at wrestling.

So not only did New Japan hire these two losers, they put them in a match with each other??? But, since it's Japan, no doubt Dave Meltzer gave this match 5 stars.

 

[Jay-Ashley]

Same card had The Great Kahli vs Giant Silva

 

[Sky]

Same card had The Great Kahli vs Giant Silva

That was a bit later, they were Chono's heavies. But a 2002 card did have that exact singles match and now I have to see it

 

[Sky]

Entry #61
Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie
WWE Royal Rumble - January 19, 2003​

This isn't the match I was going to talk about, but when I saw the card for Royal Rumble 2003, this match was right before the match I was going to talk about, so here we are! And it allows me to talk about the Al Wilson storyline. So basically, Dawn Marie was marrying Torrie Wilson's father (played by himself), and this was the reason for the feud. And Al Wilson kayfabe FUCKING DIED from having too much sex. So yeah, you've banged your coworker's father to death, that's the setup for a wrestling match! Let's see it.

Dawn comes out with a black veil, but only a short one. Yeah, she's mourning, but she's still got to look sexy. It's the Divas era after all! Torrie doesn't want to do this, and when the ref asks her if she wants to pull out, Dawn elbows her. Torrie comes back with some Standard Diva Offense (catfighting and a hair-pull toss). She hits a catapult and goes for a German suplex, but Dawn grabs the ropes and spins into an armbar. This is starting to resemble wrestling all of a sudden... though it looks like she damn near breaks Torrie's arm legit because Torrie doesn't drop down. Dawn works Torrie's arm for a bit, with strikes to the shoulder and elbow, going for a few pins all the while. She then hits a flapjack. This is actually not as bad as I thought it would be...

Oop, spoke too soon, as Dawn goes for a corner charge and just crashes into Torrie, going for a double down. Torrie does an awkward backslide for two. She doesn't seem to be letting the arm injury stop her from doing armdrags or Irish whips. Dawn gets a springboard clothesline out the corner. A few people try to start "boring" chants. Torrie takes control after a back-body-drop-duck-kick spot (you know the one) and a swinging neckbreaker finishes it after a fairly fast count.

Yeah it was lame, but it wasn't world-beatingly lame. Quite a few mistimings and an oddly curtailed structure make this one suffer.