Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Storm Trooper]

Entry #43
Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Tetsuya Naito
for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship
NJPW Wrestle Kingdom V - January 4, 2011​

And now we're going to do something interesting - watch a match I've already watched for another thread. I included the TNA matches at Wrestle Kingdom V in my rewatch of the TNA 2010-12 era (which I will continue eventually) because they're a bit of foreshadowing of something that happens a couple of months later at Victory Road. That being, obviously, Jeff Hardy getting stoned pre-match and not even trying to hide it. Let's see what goes wrong.

Somewhat off-topic - ever noticed that when Hardy does a lockup, he always briefly goes to one knee? It's a bad start already as Hardy's stumbling while in a wristlock. Naito's doing 90% of the work for the opening exchanges; the phrase "wrestling a broomstick" comes to mind. Hardy is gassed 90 seconds in. First major botch sees Hardy try a leapfrog spot but instead clip Naito and fall over. He then rolls into the spot he was seemingly supposed to be in had he not fucked it up, as if he wants Naito to go for a pin. Naito just rolls him out again. Naito hits a running Swanton, which is honestly pretty impressive. This goes pretty close to getting the three this early, because Hardy's so sluggish in kicking out. Hardy then remembers he's left his phone in his pocket, pulls it out, and slides it away. I'm not making this up.

Hardy looks like a walking corpse, barely able to stand. And I don't even think that's selling. He gets Naito on the top rope and goes for a superplex, but he can't push off the corner properly and just lands on his neck. He does a slow, woozy version of his humping dance, then flops onto Naito for two. Heel Hardy does what he does for most of this run and applies headlocks, until Naito fights out and gets a sunset flip for two. Hardy does a weird variant of his double leg drop where it's a reverse jackknife pin. He then tosses Naito out so he can do a dive from the apron, but only seems to hurt himself. Hardy stretches out Naito with a knee in the back until Naito can get to the rope. God, this is dull when it's not botchy.

Naito recovers off an Irish whip and hits a neckbreaker, then a missile dropkick for two. He then corners Hardy, dodges a kick, and hits a rope hung neckbreaker... but once again, Hardy's timing is off and he lands slowly and awkwardly. At least Hardy's sell of a Frankensteiner is decent, but it doesn't finish the match. Naito goes for the Stardust Press but Hardy rolls away. Hardy teases a Twist of Fate, but Naito counters into a backslide for two. Hardy's in the corner and Naito charges him, but Hardy blocks and hits Whisper in the Wind. Though "hits" is generous, as it seems to miss completely. Badly-timed Twist of Fate, Swanton Bomb, yep, that's it, Hardy retains.

Not a good match, obviously. Naito's sort of trying to carry but he's in the "talented but boring" phase of his career and Hardy is a druggy mess. How were TNA not warned by this display?

This is the first I've heard of this match.

A few things:

1. From what I can tell Jeff Hardy was not in any condition to perform, and New Japan actually had him wrestle a full on match? That's really bad on their part
2. TNA saw all this happen and still allowed Victory Road to happen?
3. This is early Wrestle Kingdom it wasn't as big as it became with Bullet Club/Jericho/etc?

 

[Chris]

It was still meant to be big, NJPW was just coming off severe downtime in business and this was before Tanahashi saved them

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #46
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Bunkhouse Buck
WCW SuperBrawl V - February 19. 1995​

I blame @Chris for this. He suggested I take a look at the Cagematch bottom matches of all time, I picked one at random, then found there was another on the same show. (Actually, SuperBrawl V looks like it could mostly fit on this list with no matches rated 6 or above. What a fucking terrible show.) So here it is, the first act of my SuperBrawl V double header. And wouldn't you know it, it's involving one of my least favourite wrestlers of all time, Jim Duggan! And he's up against 44-year-old Jimmy Golden as part of the increasingly-irrelevant Stud Stable.

Meng's accompanying Buck and Colonel Rob, in an ill-fitting suit and glasses. That bodyguard look is not working for him. Duggan hasn't even put down his comically oversized American flag before he starts brawling. Duggan punching away to start, and Buck provides the most varied offense of the first 30 seconds or so by biting Duggan on the nose. Buck gets clotheslined out of the ring, and already we have our first rest spot of the match. At least we get the visual of the Colonel fanning Buck down with his white hat and encouraging him without removing his cigar. Managers are great. Buck drags Duggan out to the outside, and soon pushes him into the ring post. Back in the ring, Duggan runs the ropes before hitting a ducking Buck with a knee drop.

Duggan gives this match what it needs... a headlock! He then works the left arm, if holding it in a wristlock and clubbing away counts as working (it does, but barely). Duggan hits a long-delayed atomic drop (because, of course, in his prime, the atomic drop was a power move) before punching Buck and going for a pin attempt. This, sadly, doesn't work. More headlocks! After a bit more dominant Duggan brawling, Buck gets a length of rope and nails him with it. Now Buck tosses Duggan out and they brawl some more. We get a brief shot of the Colonel bothering the referee and a quick moment of Duggan climbing up over two black-dressed ring girls. Those things are more interesting than this match.

Now it's Buck's turn to apply a long headlock. Duggan tries to fight out of it and falls back down again. He does eventually lift Buck up and into the corner. Whenever they brawl on semi-even ground, Duggan definitely sells a LOT less. Duggan hits a back body drop for two. And now... back to Duggan's headlock! Buck scrambles out but only for 2 seconds or so. Duggan no sells a knee and a back rake, before punching Buck to the ground and hitting an elbow drop for two. More headlocks before Duggan (babyface) strangles Buck with the strap of his torn shirt. Duggan appeals to the crowd before arguing with the Colonel, and in a normal match this would be where the heel makes a comeback, but no, this is a Duggan match. Spinning powerslam and a knee drop (allegedly, it looked more like a fist drop that missed) for two.

More headlocks. Duggan interrupts a bit of offence to strike at the Colonel... again, it doesn't interrupt his dominance. We get a long hammerlock. Because that's what you need from notable entertainment punchy man Jim Duggan... LIMB WORK! Duggan manages to rip off Buck's shirt after tearing at it all the while. Buck tries to toss Duggan into a Parker punch but he punches the Colonel instead! Three-point stance, win.

Bleh. This match needed to not go ten whole minutes. It was effectively an overextended Jim Duggan squash, with Buck getting limited offence and having none of it sold.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #47
Kevin Sullivan vs. Dave Sullivan
WCW SuperBrawl V - February 19. 1995​

Oh, this is a gimmick I absolutely HATE. Meet Dave Sullivan, the kayfabe younger brother of Kevin Sullivan (they're unrelated). He's strongly implied to be mentally disabled, and is a massive fan of Hulk Hogan. He's also dyslexic, and he sometimes says his name is "Evad" which is not how dyslexia works you stupid fucking idiots. So basically, think Eugene, but worse. He is, naturally, now feuding with the relative who brought him in, which is also what happened with Eugene! And given that Dave Sullivan won the Worst Wrestler WON award in 1993 and 1994, I don't have high hopes.

Schiavone on commentary mentions Dave using "magic boots" that Hulk Hogan wore. So this is also a worse, earlier version of the Abyss magic ring angle! (note to self: watch Abyss vs. Ric Flair for this thread) Dave's brawling is unconvincing - it's the type of punches that are pulled so hard they look like they bounce off. Dave sticks out his elbow, and Kevin sells it very generously as an elbow shot and rolls out. I should also mention that Brutus Beefcake (as The Butcher) is at ringside, in case you need some shit spice on your shit sandwich. The offence is essentially the same as in the Duggan match, but worse. Dave hits an alleged lariat, which is just him colliding with Kevin and Kevin doing his best to sell, but gets tripped by the Butcher.

On the outside, Kevin slides back in and lets Butcher gets a few shots. Dave's moving like he has no idea where he is, but he was moving like that before he got hit, so it's hard to tell. Kevin hits him off the apron again and again. I can't tell what happens at one point, but Dave's writhing like he has an eel up his anus. Dave gets a little bit of offence before Kevin hits him with a boot out the corner. Kevin targets Dave with karate chops (because yes, it is the 1970s). Dave bites Kevin's midsection... ew. It doesn't gain him any meaningful comeback because it's all Kevin for another minute or so. Dave manages to punch out of the corner, but Kevin sends him out so Butcher can hit him more.

Dave gets a two-handed choke at one point... even the crowd pop he gets seems sarcastic. Fairly long heat segment that ends when Kevin misses Dave and crotches himself on the middle rope. Dave looks badly winded as he does his comeback spot (weak brawling, as per). Dave gets into it with the Butcher, and Kevin shoves Dave into Butcher. The clash of heads apparently knocks Dave out (because of the steel plate in his face or something) and Kevin gets a handful of tights for a stupidly fast three.

That was absolutely dire. It dragged on and on for the full 7 minutes it took. Dave Sullivan is as awful as they say.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #48
Nailz vs. El Gigante
NJPW G1 Climax Day 1 - August 3, 1994​

Last night I was reminded this match happened. Tonight I'm reviewing it. Two of the most genuinely awful wrestlers in WWF history at that time competed in NJPW. This is an exhibition match held on Day 1 of that year's G1 Climax (thankfully, they weren't in the G1, I dread the very thought). Let's go!

Holy shit, El Gigante looks even more of a giant in Japan. At a shoot 7 foot 7, he's 3 heads taller than the average person. The ref (the great Tiger Hattori) seriously struggles to do the customary body search.

They start with forearms, with Nailz's looking worse (and that's even discounting the fact that Gigante sells none of them). Nailz gets eye rakes and a really silly-looking corner choke. Gigante at one point goes for a deadly DOUBLE NERVE HOLD. Nailz walks Gigante over to the ropes and tries to smash his face in them (yes, the ropes, not the corner). Naturally this doesn't work and Gigante starts gently holding Nailz's neck. Back to bad forearms, then back to nerve holds vs. eye rakes. Gigante blocks Nailz's attempt to whip him out of the corner and slowly... slowly... walks towards him to grab him and set up a weak-looking clothesline. A brain claw is what finishes it in Gigante's favour.

What did you expect on seeing that lineup of wrestlers? That was four minutes of a pathetic attempt at wrestling.

 

[Rosie]

Nailz for G1 Climax 2024

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #49
"Mr. Magnificent" Kevin Kelly vs. Billy Bold Eagle
AWA All-Star Wrestling - December 27, 1987​

You thought we were done with Nailz? No way! Here's a match I found when trying to find video for Nailz vs. El Gigante (the other one, a match from the AWF, is on hold until I can find out the date it was broadcast). It's a look at his pre-Nailz career, when he was a Hulk Hogan/Ric Flair lovechild by the name of "Mr. Magnificent" Kevin Kelly. He was squashing jobbers in the AWA, like this white kid with an offensive Native American gimmick. Let's see if he was any better back then.

Oh, apparently he was managed by none other than Sherri Martel. Good to know. Ref takes his time to get Sherri out of the ring. Kelly comes in with a knee to the gut and a kneeling backbreaker, which already means he's demonstrated double the moves he ever did as Nailz. He soon tosses Billy out of the ring so he can play to the crowd while Sherri kicks his opponent. After a good minute, Billy tries to come in, gets wiped out again, and Kelly beats him down with a single forearm on the outside. More stalling, more Sherri beatdown. A clothesline, which is a bit better than El Gigante's in 1994, followed by a release powerslam, a back elbow, and a suplex, is what finishes it.

Complete jobber match - at least Nailz was less shit back then. What happened to him that turned him into one of the worst wrestlers that ever lived? We'll never know.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #50
Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell
TNA Victory Road - July 19, 2009​

But really, I've been seeking out a lot of obscure stuff. Maybe I should watch some more infamously bad matches, in order to establish a bit of a baseline. We've had Steinblock vs. One Warrior Nation, which was definitely awful, but here's one of the other matches people think about when you say "worst match of all time". It is of course Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell at Victory Road 2009. A non-wrestler vs. a non-wrestler, in a singles match. The only disturbed mind that could have come up with this is one Vince Russo, and naturally, that's who became the sole head booker recently! Is it as awful as they say?

We start with one of the most infuriating moments of this match: Sojo Bolt and Awesome Kong, the seconds for Sharmell and Jenna respectively, get full entrances! And they're geared up! At least make this a tag match! Sharmell comes out dressed for an Evening Gown match, while Jenna comes out dressed for a trip to the strip club. Especially for her entrance pose, in which she bends over and presents her entire anus to the camera. Sharmell KNOWS that's nasty.

They start with a "sexy" posedown. Sharmell jumps into every move she does, which is understandable for a forearm but less so for a knee to the gut. She faceplants Jenna and puts the boots in (which Jenna doesn't sell at all). Parts of Sharmell's dress are already flaking off. She does what is meant to be a whip followed by a back elbow off the ropes. What really happens is that Jenna fails to run the ropes, she flops down, and Sharmell brushes her arm against Jenna's falling face. This is worth a two-count. Sharmell asks for advice from Sojo. Apparently that advice entailed "do a horrible kick, then go for a camel clutch". There's a joke about cameltoe in there, but I won't make it because this is a classy thread.

Sharmell goes for the same back elbow trick, but Jenna ducks, runs the ropes awfully again, and hits a crossbody fall. I can't call it a jumping crossbody because she doesn't jump. Sharmell weakly stomps Jenna, lightly slaps her back, and goes for a "submission" that involves stamping on Jenna's hair and pulling her up. Jenna counters with an ill-timed kneeling jawbreaker, but Sojo then trips her. Awesome Kong goes to attract Sojo, but the referee is distracted by Kong allowing a 2-on-1. Once Jenna's recovered (which takes a while) the two exchange weak kicks to the gut before Sharmell hits an atomic slap. Jenna responds with probably the best-known spot in this match.

THE WORST SLAPS OF ALL TIME.

Jesus wept. Bless Sharmell for selling those.

She then hits an alleged spear and goes for MORE TERRIBLE SLAPS!

I didn't make these gifs, gifs won't be a regular thing, but you just have to see these. We get a catfight, which rolls over Earl Hebner. Thankfully this doesn't bump him. He breaks up a Jenna choke... but Jenna has grabbed Sharmell's hair extensions! And Sharmell is DISTRESSED at this! Sojo Bolt tries to interfere but Sharmell accidentally charges her. Jenna gives the hair extensions to Kong, who returns them to Sharmell before knocking her out with an uppercut. This leads Jenna to pin her with the lewdest pin in history. It can only be described as "grinding her vagina on Sharmell's face". Post-match, Kong celebrates with Jenna, Jenna slaps Kong, but Kong drops her and splashes her. Kong is the one who stands tall at the end, clearly hating every minute of being involved with this match.

I mean, what can you say? It has this so-bad-it's-good appeal, but this is truly among the lowest of the low in terms of actual quality. There's no question about it.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #50
Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell
TNA Victory Road - July 19, 2009​

But really, I've been seeking out a lot of obscure stuff. Maybe I should watch some more infamously bad matches, in order to establish a bit of a baseline. We've had Steinblock vs. One Warrior Nation, which was definitely awful, but here's one of the other matches people think about when you say "worst match of all time". It is of course Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell at Victory Road 2009. A non-wrestler vs. a non-wrestler, in a singles match. The only disturbed mind that could have come up with this is one Vince Russo, and naturally, that's who became the sole head booker recently! Is it as awful as they say?

We start with one of the most infuriating moments of this match: Sojo Bolt and Awesome Kong, the seconds for Sharmell and Jenna respectively, get full entrances! And they're geared up! At least make this a tag match! Sharmell comes out dressed for an Evening Gown match, while Jenna comes out dressed for a trip to the strip club. Especially for her entrance pose, in which she bends over and presents her entire anus to the camera. Sharmell KNOWS that's nasty.

They start with a "sexy" posedown. Sharmell jumps into every move she does, which is understandable for a forearm but less so for a knee to the gut. She faceplants Jenna and puts the boots in (which Jenna doesn't sell at all). Parts of Sharmell's dress are already flaking off. She does what is meant to be a whip followed by a back elbow off the ropes. What really happens is that Jenna fails to run the ropes, she flops down, and Sharmell brushes her arm against Jenna's falling face. This is worth a two-count. Sharmell asks for advice from Sojo. Apparently that advice entailed "do a horrible kick, then go for a camel clutch". There's a joke about cameltoe in there, but I won't make it because this is a classy thread.

Sharmell goes for the same back elbow trick, but Jenna ducks, runs the ropes awfully again, and hits a crossbody fall. I can't call it a jumping crossbody because she doesn't jump. Sharmell weakly stomps Jenna, lightly slaps her back, and goes for a "submission" that involves stamping on Jenna's hair and pulling her up. Jenna counters with an ill-timed kneeling jawbreaker, but Sojo then trips her. Awesome Kong goes to attract Sojo, but the referee is distracted by Kong allowing a 2-on-1. Once Jenna's recovered (which takes a while) the two exchange weak kicks to the gut before Sharmell hits an atomic slap. Jenna responds with probably the best-known spot in this match.

THE WORST SLAPS OF ALL TIME.

Jesus wept. Bless Sharmell for selling those.

She then hits an alleged spear and goes for MORE TERRIBLE SLAPS!

I didn't make these gifs, gifs won't be a regular thing, but you just have to see these. We get a catfight, which rolls over Earl Hebner. Thankfully this doesn't bump him. He breaks up a Jenna choke... but Jenna has grabbed Sharmell's hair extensions! And Sharmell is DISTRESSED at this! Sojo Bolt tries to interfere but Sharmell accidentally charges her. Jenna gives the hair extensions to Kong, who returns them to Sharmell before knocking her out with an uppercut. This leads Jenna to pin her with the lewdest pin in history. It can only be described as "grinding her vagina on Sharmell's face". Post-match, Kong celebrates with Jenna, Jenna slaps Kong, but Kong drops her and splashes her. Kong is the one who stands tall at the end, clearly hating every minute of being involved with this match.

I mean, what can you say? It has this so-bad-it's-good appeal, but this is truly among the lowest of the low in terms of actual quality. There's no question about it.

I'm so looking forward to when OSW review gets to Victory Road in their Main Event Mafia arc.

 

[Death By Looch]

This leads Jenna to pin her with the lewdest pin in history. It can only be described as "grinding her vagina on Sharmell's face". Post-match, Kong celebrates with Jenna, Jenna slaps Kong, but Kong drops her and splashes her. Kong is the one who stands tall at the end, clearly hating every minute of being involved with this match.​

I bet there were quite a lot of people who would've wanted to be Sharmell in that moment.

And yea... Kong wasn't happy.

 

[Rosie]

I bet there were quite a lot of people who would've wanted to be Sharmell in that moment.

And yea... Kong wasn't happy.

Awesome Kong, even if her career was great overall.

Always deserved better.

 

[Death By Looch]

Awesome Kong, even if her career was great overall.

Always deserved better.

WAY better.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #51
Los Night Queens (Polvo de Estrellas/Nygma/Jessy/Yuriko) vs. Pimpinela Escarlata/Cassandro/El Intocable/Mascara Divina
AAA from Plaza de Toros Chilpancingo - December 14, 2007​

A rare trip to lucha land for this thread! This is one from the bad match wheel, and I get a feeling why it's been recommended to me: because I didn't respond well to the exotico act back in the old thread. This match is full of exoticos! More specifically, what it is is four rudo exoticos vs. two tecnico exoticos and two other tecnicos who are probably in there as a punishment. (Knowing what I know about Mascara Divina, it probably is a punishment for him.) The video is very grainy so it may be hard to tell who's who as a result. Let's go!

The Night Queens come out to Numa Numa. Come on, how could they be bad if they come out to Numa Numa? Just for the sake of reminding myself: Polvo is the one with the shockingly bad facepaint and fake hair to cover his baldness, Nygma looks like a gay stripper member of Kiss, Jessy has spiked hair and is holding an oar for some reason, and Yuriko is the most feminine-looking of the lot. As for the tecnicos... funnily enough, in a match involving six exoticos, Intocable's pretty boy act (an Antonio Pena special) makes him look gayer than anyone else in the match. Pre-match we get Pimpi trying to plant a kiss on the ref and the announcers, and Intocable doing a weak cartwheel.

Intocable and Polvo to start, and Intocable's dancing seems to put Polvo off, which is weird. This doesn't start out terribly, and takes in a cool spot where Intocable kicks off all three other opponents while doing a Tornado DDT. But it's basically Intocable dominating all four by himself. In comes Divina against Yuriko, and they roll around each other for a bit while Yuriko's partners miscommunicate. In comes Cassandro, who is immediately met by three rudos. Yuriko and Nygma try to pull off a powerbomb/dropkick spot, but the timing and spacing is off so it just looks like Yuriko dropkicks Nygma's head and Cassandro just falls off on to his neck. Pimpi comes in to get quadruple-teamed and tossed, followed by Intocable who gets a similar treatment. Nygma hits an X-Factor, then they all take turns to dropkick Intocable in the back.

All four of them team up to toss Mascara Divina (I don't know if that's a dig at exoticos being weak or at Divina's weight, which he has struggled with at points in his career. Either way it sucks). Nygma and Jessy hit him with oars, in full view of the referee. This is somehow legal. Pimpi and Cassandro both get oar shots, with Jessy breaking his on Cassandro's back. This wasn't announced as No DQ, but order has totally broken down. The Night Queens send their opponents to four (out of six) corners and go for oar swings, but miss, and this is how the tecnicos come back. Cassandro does a pretty nice top rope victory roll. Pimpi sends Jessy out, teases a dive... but rolls out and kisses him. Surely exoticos are immune to other exoticos? How does that work?

Cassandro hits all his spots well. Divina and Intocable come in, miss two dropkicks, clash heads, but come out on top in the end. Divina then blows a spot when he was meant to toss Intocable out for a dive on to Polvo and Yuriko, but he just... doesn't? He then seems to be going for a slingshot splash, but doesn't let go of the ropes and just kicks his opponents in the head legit. Soon after that Pimpi does the same thing. Is there just something in the air tonight that makes people botch that specific spot? Cassandro knocks an oar out of Polvo's hand, Pimpi catches it, climbs back up, whacks Polvo with it (in FULL VIEW of the referee AGAIN), which lets Cassandro score the pin. Post-match, the tecnicos do some more fighting, and they get Nygma in to whack his ass with an oar.

Generally inoffensive, but with a few notable botches. Definitely not something I'd call good, but it'll go nearer the top.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

note: the next entry will be entry 54, because with a new high bar I've decided to import 2 more matches from the old thread that are at a similar level: Trio Fantasia vs. Los Thundercats and Sawada/Hammer vs. Lashley/Shad

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #54
Ric Flair/Andrade el Idolo vs. Jeff Jarrett/Jay Lethal
Ric Flair's Last Match - July 31, 2022​

I'll be honest, I could just show that headline and finish the post right there, stick this somewhere low, low down, and you wouldn't complain. I mean, you know this was bad. Ric Flair, 14 years after his supposed last ever match at WrestleMania, and 11 years after what was thought to have been his last match in a pathetic match against Sting on TNA Impact. Ric Flair, who had been on life support in the past five years. Ric Flair, who was on blood thinners (that he skipped on the day of this match so he could bleed properly) and a pacemaker (that he thought, if it became loose, he could just plug back in). Ric Flair, who went to 40 different doctors to get medically cleared until he found one that would approve him. Ric Flair, probable sex offender seeking a payday on a show promoted by his son-in-law. Ric Flair, who said in the opening package that he was prepared to die. He's wrestling. Good fucking lord.

Mick Foley and the Undertaker are here (experts in being close to death, naturally). The entrances are long-winded, because stalling for time is important when you're in the ring with a corpse like Ric. Speaking of Ric, he's wearing the old Big Gold. During the intros, there's a shoving match between the three non-senile participants while Ric just stands there. Commentary reminds us of classics like Flair/Steamboat at WrestleWar '89, which took place in the same building. Long staredown. A full SIXTEEN minutes after the first entrance began, the bell rings.

Another long staredown. Flair slaps Jarrett, who is completely scared of even making contact with this zombie and tags in Lethal. Another staredown, they finally lock up, and Lethal hits a side headlock takeover before moving into Flair's headscissors. This gets a "you still got it" chant. PLEASE do not encourage him, Nashville. Flair does the same takeover, but Lethal can't counter with the headscissors. So, in kayfabe, this old bastard is better than a wrestler in his prime. Flair looks like he's about to fall asleep just applying the hold. Lethal gets Flair into the corner (slowly, gently) but Flair downs him with a slap.

Lethal asks Flair to tag in Andrade, which he does. At this point, it feels wrong to comment on this part of the match, because it's actually competent. Feels like the opening exchanges of a match that could have been better if it were just singles, including Andrade basically taking Lethal's head off with a big boot. In comes Jarrett, who crotch chops and heels it up for the crowd but Andrade hip tosses him around. Andrade establishes a wristlock and tags in Flair, but Jarrett escapes just in time. Another staredown, a headlock, but Flair breaks out and pushes Jarrett to the ropes. Jarrett does his strut (he HAS still got it), and Flair just looks at him. "Ric's bringing this match to his own pace, which is smart" -Schiavone, very euphemistically. "Thank you Conrad" chants, fucking hell. Then Flair does an imitation of his own strut, and then a crotch chop of his own. That's actually pretty funny!

Jarrett clearly has no idea what to do with a man who could die any second. Another standing headlock-based exchange is followed by those classic Flair knife-edge chops. Lethal comes in to interfere and Flair mule-kicks him in the dick. And Lethal flops for it. Now I want to see the other three people in this match with someone other than Flair. It'd be GLORIOUS. Andrade comes out and chops Lethal as Flair sends out Jarrett. Jarrett wanders off to threaten a countout (please) before Karen brings him back (aww).

Back to Andrade vs. Lethal, though Flair does get involved by giving Lethal a cheeky little choke from the outside. Flair's back in and gives Lethal some cornered punches and chops, yelling "For Undertaker" on the last one. Some more chops before Andrade's back in. Again, I hate talking about this part in this thread because it is, you know, good. Lethal hits Andrade with the Lethal Combination, teases a Figure Four, but instead keeps the leg locked and tags in Jarrett. This is basically a heat segment on Andrade, including rope chokes and Lethal hitting a top-rope axe handle. Lethal and Andrade are smooth together. Lethal taunts Flair by blowing a kiss. Andrade eventually counters Jarrett by converting a backdrop suplex into a crossbody... but it's more like a cross-head, and Andrade sells that he's basically taken an inverted headbutt to the midsection.

(Side note: Ric Flair would confirm in his podcast that he blacked out due to dehydration during this heat segment. And yet that one doctor cleared him. Mindboggling.)

Flair comes in without a tag and slowly moves his arm against both Lethal and Jarrett in what I think are supposed to be chops. Lethal goes to the top rope (you never go to the top rope, even if you're not Ric Flair) but Flair chops him to shut him down. Figure Four, but Jarrett breaks it up. Jarrett then goes to the outside and attacks Flair with Karen's shoe. After which the camera desperately tries to avoid any shot of Flair blading. Karen gets into it with Flair's daughter Megan (who's here partly because she's married to the promoter). Flair's now on the barricade, already covered in blood. He sells like he's about to have some sort of heart attack, but it's a ruse and he gets Lethal with an eye poke. Two questions there:

1. Why, in kayfabe, was Lethal trying to attack a man who was having a cardiac arrest?
2. WHY DO THIS SPOT when Ric's health is very much in question?

Jarrett, with some difficulty, rolls Flair back into the ring, while Andrade and Lethal are doing something more interesting outside. Jarrett teases a superplex, but Lethal has enough sense to tag in, drag Flair down to the mat (he was already slipping off the rope), and deliver a regular suplex instead. Notably, Flair lands flat on his back. He's not even lucid enough to land on his side like he's done for decades. Lethal goes for a pin, Andrade breaks it up, which is a good thing because I'm pretty sure Flair is legit out cold at this point. Jarrett goes for a Figure Four, Andrade smacks Jarrett, Lethal tosses him out. This should surely be a double pin result, but it isn't because... ???????

Lethal gets heat of Flair, who has no idea who he is or where he is. Lethal goes for a flying elbow but Flair dodges away, slowly crawls to the corner, and tags Andrade. And then flops. Crowd is shockingly quiet for the Andrade hot tag, mainly because Flair hasn't yet been able to roll out of the ring. He's not moving. Andrade goes for a pin off double knees but Lethal breaks it up. Same thing happens with a jumping DDT. Flair is still laid out in the corner. Andrade does the duck-so-the-heel-hits-his-partner-by-mistake spot, and this is still good stuff in a vacuum, but I cannot concentrate on it because Flair is still possibly dead. Lethal bumps the ref because of course.

Andrade goes for the hot tag into Flair, and it's a truly harrowing sight. Flair's still not fully outside the ring, he raises a floppy arm, and Andrade has to reach over to make the tag. Flair rolls under the bottom rope with Andrade's help. Andrade hits a slingshot plancha on thin air. Flair gets a visual pin. Jarrett's in with the guitar. They're all back to their feet but Andrade pulls Flair out of the way so Jarrett hits Lethal by accident. Andrade superkicks Jarrett and catches some brass knucks (apparently from Conrad). He gives them to Flair, but has to help Flair put them on because he can't feel his fingers. Knucks punch, second referee, Figure Four, Jarrett's shoulders are down... ugh. Post-match, confetti everywhere as Flair's too out of it to even drink water.

I can't do this. I really can't rate it. There's actually some good stuff in this match, but there's no way to call this anything approaching "not awful" when it's just so harrowing to watch. It's not laughably bad like Jenna/Sharmell. It's not mind-numbingly bad like Steinblock/OWN. It's just really sad. Deeply messed up that this match even happened, and as it continued it got more serious and more grim. The number of times that Ric Flair was not of sound mind in this match... I lost count. So I'll tell you what's going to happen. I've made no secret that my inspiration for this thread was the "Worst in the World" blog. The person who runs that blog has a "red block" of matches at the very bottom, for matches that transcend bad and go to downright objectionable, that are morally bankrupt in the fact that they happened at all. I'm not going to copy this exactly but... This is going right at the bottom. This is the worst match I have ever seen, and only when I find a match that's more horrifying to watch than this will that ever change. And may that never happen.